Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 13 Feb 2019, 05:45

628: Who Are You When the Internet Drops?

A point here of the internet dropping for the day and not having access to what I perceive to be something of most value... and how in that internet dropping, I became stuck, not able to move into anything else because the dependency on the internet kept me checking if it was back on, and waiting for it to come back on - not at all embracing the day without the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on the internet where if it goes out for a bit, feel lost and unsure of what to do with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively towards the internet going out as a point of dependency so much of it it’s like someone taking away my life where I become annoyed because someone took away be ability to do things instead of realizing there is MUCH to do offline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the internet to become a distraction where I want to spend more time online than offline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe not having the internet is like not having my right arm where somehow I am debilitated and going without something so functional to me instead of realizing it is a moment to reflect on who I am in relation to the internet and see clearly the dependency towards it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a routine around being online that when the internet drops feeling lost as not knowing what to do with myself because so much of my time was invested online

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel like doing anything offline because so much of my time and self is put online and so when I lose the internet feel so much out of my routine that for a moment I feel lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create a balance with being online or offline where it doesn’t matter what I’m doing I am the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being offline or without internet,
as my whole life stopping

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see not having internet as an opportunity to spend more time offline and getting to things I put off because I place being online as more valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is nothing to do without the internet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist not having internet as a choice being made without my input

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about when the internet will be back instead of grounding myself in the physical, offline reality where there is a vast reality for me to explore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am limited without the internet

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the internet is like my mind where it is a practical tool and can be constructive in my self-development and connection yet it should not define who I am or what I do… it is a TOOL that I use not something that enslaves me and so if I don’t have it for a moment, I am the same… or like the mind, wherever I am, whatever I am doing, with or without something I remain the same

When and as I see myself reacting negatively to not having the internet I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this reveals a dependency towards the internet wherein I think and believe I cannot function properly without it and feel lost not having access to it and so I commit myself to practice spending more time offline as getting comfortable with that so that there is a balance and a stability within me where when on or offline, I remain the same

When and as I see myself thinking about when I’m able to be online again, I stop and I Breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I have used the internet as a way to distract myself from my actual reality wherein I resist doing things that are not online and so I commit myself to push myself to spend more time doing things that are not online to remove this need to be online and to remove this belief that is where I am most engaged and within this I commit myself to create a routine that value equally being on and offline realizing that being on or offline I am still here, I am still in my body, I am still breathing and so nothing has actually changed within me only what’s outside of me and if I am moved by something outside of me then I still got work to do



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 14 Feb 2019, 06:31

629: Prioritize Resistance

One weakness I see I have that I can work on strengthening is prioritizing. At work and at home I notice certain tasks will come up and I tend to do them first, even if there are other tasks I've started that are more pressing, I tend to just go with what comes up in a moment and so I'm constantly putting off other things. Part of this weakness of not prioritizing effectively is due to a resistance where some of the tasks I put off are also ones that are more challenging to me where I am not as comfortable doing them or I don't have much experience within it so I resist it because it's unfamiliar. Though the awareness of the weakness is the first step in changing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not prioritize things that are more important than other things and instead do the jobs/tasks as they come to me instead of being willing to put those aside for a moment to do the more important/bigger/more pressing jobs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of taking care of the tasks that are more time-sensitive or that are more urgent and instead deal with the tasks as they come to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the tasks that are of a priority as being more important, more crucial/urgent and time sensitive because they are often the ones I have the least experience with and am less familiar with and so I resist it as a point of being challenged and rather do the smaller, 'easier' tasks first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a resistance to direct me in how I prioritize tasks where if there is even a slight resistance, I will put it off 'for later' and do that which is easier for me, where I don't have any hesitancy or self-doubt within because I have not done it before instead of taking on that which I resist first as a point of making sure I am not succumbing to any self-limitation just because I am not familiar with it as I realize just because I don't know something, doesn't mean I can't learn and doing it will, in fact, be the only way I get familiar with it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to prioritize that which I resist as the things I should be addressing first and foremost as making a living decision to not be bound by limitation and rather practicing that self-directive will where I willingly walk through the resistance to prove to myself I am not defined by my limitations or things I am not familiar with and I am indeed open and willing to embrace something new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have a weakness in prioritizing instead of realizing I have a weakness when it comes to facing resistances and that that is what I can focus on as a solution to prioritizing more effectively - ensuring I am not putting anything off because of a resistance within me towards it but because it's not as important as other tasks

When and as I see myself prioritizing resistances as putting off that which I resist, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that putting off that which I resist is causing a problem in my ability to prioritize as tasks/jobs/responsibilities that are more important yet that I have the least experience within and so I put off for later so that I can do the 'easier' jobs that don't cause me such discomfort first and so I commit myself to prioritize resistance as doing that which I resist first as making a decision about who I am in relation to resistance and that is that I am willing to talk through resistances as that which I don't know yet or understand yet but to do that which I resist as walking through the walk and getting myself familiar with the unknown

I commit myself to prioritize based on the practical reality of what is most pressing and urgent and not based on how I feel about the tasks/job/responsibility

I commit myself to not allowing resistances to slow me down but to instead be a gift of seeing where there are still boundaries within myself that I am able to move through

I commit myself to prioritize practical reality over my emotional experience towards something where I do it because it needs to be done and not because it's easier for me

I commit myself to strengthen my ability to priorities based on principles and not preferences as the minds need to remain the same



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 16 Feb 2019, 07:53

630: You Can't Hide

Someone recently said something to me that was kind of shocking to hear... they knew exactly how I felt about another person, without me ever having to say it directly. I in fact never did say it directly to anyone, yet somehow this person KNEW what I thought I was hiding, so perfectly may I add, within myself. Because while I had experiences that I defined as disliking someone, I never dared show that to them or others... or at least I thought I didn't...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can hide who I am by not speaking my thoughts, without realizing my BODY and my PRESENCE Resonate exactly who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel negatively towards someone but to show them a positive face and to think within this I am hiding my real feelings instead of realizing we humans communicate on a much deeper level then the false face we show each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am so cunning and slick when I don't tell someone how I really feel about them instead of realizing how good I've gotten at deceiving myself in thinking I can deceive others and not at all realizing what I'm actually communicating in my body and presence

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am resonates as my presence... not necessarily in my words and how I speak to others and that who I am must change at the level of my presence/resonance to actually be able to live self-honestly I must be able to resonate that which I actually present to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can hide my inner experiences towards others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe anything is hidden instead of realizing everything is actually exposed and we are only kidding ourselves in thinking we can hide within ourselves from each other

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my body, my presence, my resonance reveals exactly who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show a fake face to others I don't like in hiding who I really am in relation to them instead of taking responsibility for who I am in relation to others and to STOP the discord I experience towards others as actually being able to stand in front of them without hiding anything because I am without judgment, blame and hate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress who I am in relation to people I don't like by smiling and talk pleasantly with them instead of actually taking responsibility and removing the discord but realizing it's not them, it's me and thus the problem is mine to solve

When and as I see myself attempting to hide how I feel about others by presenting a face that is nicer than how I feel about them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how deceptive this is actually to myself as I realize I cannot hide my real face which is my real experience in relation to others an that it is my responsibility to sort that out and so I commit myself to stop hiding my real face and rather become self-honestly forgiving myself for what I'm accepting and allowing within me that I'm attempting to hide from others

When and as I see myself thinking and believing others do not know how I really feel about them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that who I am, the real me, is revealed in my resonance as my presence, communicating loudly through my body language and voice tonality and overall energy of me and so I commit myself to get self-honest about what I resonate and take responsibility for anything that is not in alignment to what is best for al which excludes blame, judgment, anger, and hate.

I commit myself to align my inner and outer self to be one and equal... where I do not hide my inner hate with a nice smile and rather forgive the hate to see the value of all equally

I commit myself to stop deceiving myself in thinking I can deceive others and myself in how I'm actually experiencing myself

I commit myself to stop fooling myself in thinking I can fool others to believe I like them when I don't and to dig into the why I don't like them to be able to forgive, let go, and change

I commit myself to investigate all parts of myself as what I dislike in another and to take responsibility for that dis-like as it is a dis-ease as it usually implies I am accepting and allowing blame, judgments, and hate

I commit myself to expose all of myself to all of myself so that I no longer have anything to hide



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 16 Feb 2019, 08:32

631: Sounding Self-Forgiveness

One point that came up as I was coming to an end of the 30-day of self-forgiveness was to continue the journey with a 30-days of sounding self-forgiveness. This would be to speak the self-forgiveness out loud, sounding myself as the words, as the forgiveness, with my voice. I thought that would be a very cool point to walk as I also have hardly given myself the opportunity to really establish myself within my voice, and my sound.

What is interesting is one of the very first experiences I had with speaking self-forgiveness was quite radical in that I saw physically what I was moving within myself... how I was actually physically releasing these threads of information from myself, as giving up ideas, beliefs, self-definition, and limitations I've held onto for so long, and at the same time, experiencing this centering within myself, within the very core of myself. It was a remarkable experience because there was movement and substantiation with every line of forgiveness I spoke. Since then, however, I have resisted sounding my self-forgiveness... I have always reverted to writing out the forgiveness as I justified it with telling myself "it flows better".

In self-honesty however, I see it is just one big massive resistance. And although I've done it here and there throughout the years, the resistance has always remained. And so rather than expanding my self-forgiveness journey from writing it for 30-days to sounding/speaking it for 30-days, I hesitated and stopped myself. I hit that wall of resistance.

But the point hasn't changed, and it is still here as a journey to walk. And I've decided I am going to go for it. Yesterday and today I did some while driving in the car and again there was this physical experience the self-forgiveness seemed to have... like the cells around my mouth and in my fingers were coming alive...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist sounding self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exists as resistance toward sounding self-forgiveness for years now instead of making a decision to sound myself within self-forgiveness as making a physically sound, and direct statement of who I am and what I will accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question or investigate or attempt to dismantle this resistance to sounding self-forgiveness and instead accept it as is and perhaps miss out on moving through points much quicker than I have thus far

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize my resistance to sounding self-forgiveness is me as my mind attempting to stay alive and to avoid the one thing I know will extinguish the constructs of me that are of energy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take and make the living stand of who I am as within sounding myself as self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to quantify my process of change through sounding self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the realizations and opportunities that open up within me such as continuing my self-forgiveness journey from writing to sounding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse whenever I've considered sounding my self-forgiveness that there is never ever something urgent within me that requires sounding self-forgiveness instead of realising that there is A LOT of things about this physical reality and our physical systems that I do not understand and until I do, there is LOTS of forgiveness to be done so I commit myself to remove that justification and excuse from myself because I know it is absolutely not valid

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get to know myself as my SOUND

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create a sound mind, being, and body through sounding self-forgiveness

When and as I see myself resisting self-forgiveness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this resistance is an attempt to hold on to parts of me I fear to let go of and not realizing that the very things I fear to let go of I will have to lose anyway to realize and see for myself they do not define who I am - because that which I define of myself, once lost, is also lost and so could not have been real in the first place and so I commit myself to face my fear of losing myself through sounding myself as self-forgiveness and to realize only once all self-definitions are removed I am actually found

I commit myself to establish myself as my SOUND here

I commit myself to the daily sounding of self-forgiveness for the next 30 days

I commit myself to honor these opportunities that open up within me as they emerge and no longer allow myself to wait/hesitate or 2nd guess myself but rather trust me as what is opening up within me, in a moment

I commit myself to resonate myself as my sound through/as existence to say I am HERE and I STAND for Life and I will not Give up on Life



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 17 Feb 2019, 08:46

632: The Illusion of Inner Strength

Today I listened to part 1 of a 6-part series about "inner strength" from Eqafe. I could absolutely relate to the recording as how I have in MANY moments throughout my life denied, lied, and suppressed how I actually experienced/felt in a moment just to "save face" as showing a presence of strength... because I have come to define my emotional experiences/reactions as a weakness.

Presently I see this mostly with my partner, where there will be a subtle reaction/conflict between us and as per usual, we will ask each other about it, and if my partner asks me if I reacted, I will say no as to appear stable. And this really bothers me because I know first hand how important it is to have a partner willing to be self-honest as a point of cross-referencing for you what you are seeing/looking at/experiencing yourself and if they deny in a moment what they are really experience, it can fuck with your ability to be able to see... So he will see a reaction within me, and in my denial, I am not allowing him to strengthen his ability to see/access what is actually 'here'.

So this is a point definitely requiring some work... suppression in general has been a key theme throughout my life. It's almost as if I've suppressed my emotions so much throughout my life, it feels as if I am not able to actually define my emotions when they come up, because I never really gave myself the acceptance and space to get to know what I'm experiencing, I've always just quickly stuffed it down, down, down.

And so as I'm getting my toes wet with more sounding self-forgiveness, I realize there's an opportunity to get to know myself more as my emotions and feelings as energy - because that is the purpose of sounding self-forgiveness, to MOVE the energy into substance. To substantiate the energy we've extracted from the body for the purpose of the mind as feelings and emotions. Sounding self-forgiveness is like giving the energy back to the body - putting it back into the physical.

A little sharing here on what I'm currently working with... the first point of support in sounding the self-forgiveness was this Atlantean's interview about the Illusion of Inner Strength. And that is no stranger to me. So I will be walking this series for the next little bit, actually applying the suggestions and tools shared in the recording. The first one being to give myself a couple days to see if/when this pattern comes up of denying/lying about who I am in a moment as what I'm actually experiencing and wanting to show some kind of strength when internally, there is movement going on, there is not stability... that is the first task.

I will share my findings as I go. For now, some self-forgiveness on the initial points I can see I've accepted and allowed as the illusion of inner strength...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny/lie/suppress myself in moments when I have a reaction and when my partner asks me about it, pretend it didn't happen as a means to present myself as more stable and strong than I really am or feel in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest in EVERY moment I react and my partner asks me about it as making sure I am supporting not only myself in NOT suppressing what I'm experiencing but to also support him in his ability to SEE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to suppress myself in moments of a reaction and present myself as strong and stable as if that is better instead of realizing this belief/thought is based on the definition that to have a reaction is to be weak and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me reacting as being weak and fear others seeing this weakness within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist so much as ego that I would rather suppress my real experience such as having a reaction so that I can maintain an image of being strong and stable instead of humbling myself and letting go of the self-image I try to exalt and support myself for real to get real and face that which I am experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist having a reaction as resisting being weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define weakness within a polarity where weakness is a negative, and strong is a positive and to attempt to suppress the negative and portray the positive instead of realizing I can't have one without the other and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to DROP the energy polarity and rather get to a point of REAL stability that is not moved by energy in motion but rather self-directed with/as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I have a reaction and to revert to an automatic program of lying about how I actually feel/experience myself instead of fighting for self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as weak as being vulnerable because I don't trust others in my vulnerable state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself because I think I cannot trust others instead of realizing I can be here for me and that I don't have to fear others because I got me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's acceptable to lie/deny/suppress myself in a moment of a reaction when my partner asks if I did react instead of being willing to face that reaction as actually getting to the SOURCE of the reaction as realizing that when I react and suppress, I ignore and avoid the opportunity I have to see who I am as that reaction, to understand why I reacted, and to be able to correct myself in relation to what I reacted to in order to ONCE AND FOR ALL, stop and change the reaction

When and as I see myself denying/lying/suppressing myself in moments of a reaction, especially when my partner asks me about it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this automatic pattern is built within me on the foundation that to react is to be weak and that I must present a strong/stable image, which is not a sound argument as it is existent within a false belief and definition and so I commit myself to in these moments drop the ego, embrace my reaction, and become vulnerable to who I really am in that moment as the reaction to support myself to get to know myself as the reaction, understand why I reacted, where it comes from, and how I can change it and to simultaneously support my partner in his seeing of what is here as me

I commit myself to drop the idea that to react is to be weak and rather be humble as living real strength

I commit myself to stop the ego of the mind that would rather present a false image of strength and create real strength as the principles(pillar) of self-honesty

I commit myself to get real with myself about how I experience myself in moments

I commit myself to stop suppressing and start embracing

I commit myself to walk a process of getting to know myself as my emotions and feelings



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 18 Feb 2019, 18:34

633: Hopeful Imaginations

A point here of feeling quite disappointed from a play-out in my reality where the imagination and HOPE for it was completely different, and from that high expectation, the great fall into the negative...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create disappointment, as a super low, within myself because of having expectations as a future projection of how things were going to play out and charge it with extra strength positive energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give so much time and energy as an investment into my imagination of something to come and when it was not at all what I imagined and fantasized within me myself, feel foolish and disappointed and literally feel like falling within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away within my imagination where I took an actual physical reality and imposed my own ideas and desires unto it that was not at all substantiated in reality but existed within my mind as the absolute best which generated a good feeling that I held onto as THE reality I wanted to play out and never allowed myself to consider ALL possible play-outs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on my imagination as if it were actually reality and within this, create compromises for myself because I did not plan and act according to what is REAL and instead looked to my imagination as it was a 'nicer' image I could get excited about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in polarity within myself where I generated a positive energy charge from thinking and fantasizing and imagining something to come and placed so much hope onto that being the reality and when reality said, "NOPE that is not real, this is real"... feel diminished and smaller within me realizing the trap of hope and the importance of sticking to reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to my imaginations and fantasies to be a savior to me where I hoped and counted on those imaginations to be the reality that played out and when it didn't, be in the same position I was before where I still require a solution as a new direction because I initially gave that to the imagination thinking it would do what I needed it to do instead of realizing I still require to do what I need to do in physical reality to produce the outcome I would like to see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to the physical reality and instead entertain imaginations and fantasies as possible future playouts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my imagination manifesting as a reality and so not move myself effectively in physical reality because I rather wait for the imagination to maybe play out then put in the time, labor, and work to create that which I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not step it up within myself wherein I don't need to value and invest myself in imaginations of future playouts that I think will save me and instead walk in real time, in this real reality and do the necessary physical steps to create a stability within myself and within my life where I don't need to imagine something better because I'm living and creating my best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my imagination to play out so I don't have to do the hard work of changing and applying myself

When and as I see myself becoming excited and hopeful towards my imagination as a possible future play out - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that within this hope and participation of imagination, I am basically waiting for a savior and not acting in real-time to the best of my ability and so I commit myself to stop compromising myself and my reality by hoping my imagination comes true and rather act myself to create that which I want and that which is best for me

When and as I see myself disappointment and falling within myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand here I have already accepted and allowed too much as giving value to my imagination and fantasize and not enough to change me to create something where I don't need imaginations to depend on and hope for

I commit myself to stop depending on my imagination and to rather walk in real time, moment to moment, day to day



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 19 Feb 2019, 07:04

634: How Do You Deal with Stress?

When I am stressed I see the first thing I have a tendency of doing is getting frustrated with my partner. All of a sudden I'm focused in on what he's doing wrong, or what he's not doing enough of... everything he says I roll my eyes at. When I am feeling stressed, he becomes the target I aim it at.

One aspect of this is because the stress is indicating something I am not taking full responsibility for, or where I have not done everything in my self-honest ability to prevent a situation where stress is being created... there are things I haven't done or am refusing to do which creates stress. And while I SEE this, instead of taking absolute responsibility for it I throw it unto my partner to deal with. I become a stressor for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict within myself when I am stressed and as a way to release this stress, become blamey and judgmental towards my partner as if he's at fault for something instead of seeing WHY I am stressed and the solutions to sorting it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a practical way to deal with my stress is to focus in on my partner and what he's apparently doing wrong instead of addressing my own stress head on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with stress I experience as lashing out at my partner instead of realizing the support of working together, not becoming more divided

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop myself when I see I am annoyed and irritated at my partner as if he is the cause of my stress instead of focusing in on MYSELF and what is causing the stress, and how can I change what is causing the stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated with myself when I see I've created stress within myself/my life that I could have prevented but didn't and then project that irritation onto my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my default programming and automatic response of stress to become blaming another person for it, reverting to the victimization I've become so accustomed to instead of standing within my power as self-empowerment and actively looking for and creating solutions to my stress that does not translate into becoming a stressor for another

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allwoed myself to realize the consequences I create within my partner when I project my stres sunto him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is acceptable to project my stress onto anyone instead of realizing how I am only causing ripple effects on other people's lives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in not taking responsibility for myself or what I create as stress in my life, I can cause stress for others around me

When and as I see myself beocming blamey and judgmental towards my partner when I see I am clearly stressed out, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is NOT the way to handle my stress and I can be more empowering for myself and my partner if I were to simply take responsibility for myself in who I am AS the stress and to actively seek and implement solutions that I see are necessary to quell the stress I experience. And so I commit myself to stop stressing others out by allowing my own stress and to rather see what is pressing within me as needing my attention and care - what it is that is becoming stressful that needs changing?

I commit myself to empower myself within stress to see where I can specify myself and my application and to not disempower others by blaming them for my stress

I commit myself to keep stressing the importance of SELF-RESPONSIBILITY



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 20 Feb 2019, 07:05

635: I Am Depending on Who I'm With

I listened to an old recordings I had from back in 2010 where the point of discussion was around how I had never actually learned how to communicate with males because I had programmed and conditioned myself to be a very specific person, with very specific words and tonalities, body language and movements and a very specific presence around males... always within the starting point to 'catch a mate'. And so the point was how I never really developed how to be myself around men. Which I remember how bad this used to actually be - meaning how much I actually changed myself for and in the presence of males - and although I've seen a change, I do still see this change within me when in the presence of males.

Of course I've 'caught my mate' lol so the context is different, but that lack of developing 'how to be myself' around males still has a consequences in my life today and so I see I can become more directive and specific within myself when around males... and really anyone for that matter.

There are moments where I will become diminished within myself when I am around someone I define as powerful, or I will become tense and cold when I'm around someone I 'dislike' or want to avoid or I will become quiet and shy around those that I think are more fun or outgoing than me...

The point is there is still a change within me when I am around certain types of people that I am not directly or within awareness deciding to actually be... it's just a program that runs on autopilot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around other people according to who I've accepted and allowed myself to be in relation to that type of person as what I've defined as them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be myself around ALL people, men, and women, equally the same as me just being me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never develop a way to communicate with men that is of equality and oneness wherein I don't see them as an object of desire or someone I can get something from and rather another human being that is the same as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous and tense around males because I never allowed myself to be myself around them and always believed I had to be a certain way so that they would see me in a very certain way and so constantly trying to uphold this facade

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be the same when in the presence of everyone and anyone where depending on who I am with I do NOT change because who I am is not dependent upon what types of people I am around because I have not defined and judged them within a certain category and then placed myself in a specific and certain category in relation to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge people according to how I think they are in relation to me and according to that, change myself as to fit into a definition I've placed within myself as to 'how I am supposed' to be around that type of person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate being with other people wherein I have categories and storage units within my mind that hold information about the different types of people in this world and who I am in relation to those types of people and when I get around a certain type of person, I take out my toolbox of personalities to then become that personality in the flesh

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot just be myself with males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot just be myself with people I see powerful and authoritative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot just be myself with people I see as fun and outgoing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tire myself out by having to think so much about who I must be when around certain people - always calculating the best personality to use

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet create a constant within myself wherein I DO NOT CHANGE when in the presence of males, people of authority, or those I see as more fun and outgoing as me and rather express myself based on my actual decision and directive principle and not because of some self-definition I've given to myself and the definitions I've given to others that I think I must act according to those guidelines

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to practice seeing ALL people as equals and thus allow me to BE equal to all people

A friend of mine shared some really cool practice support when it comes to this point... to SEE the skeleton of the person instead of the flesh and the form... because we are all in fact just skeletons... just a bag of bones and THAT is our actual equality...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see others equal to me as underneath it all - the sex, the form, the flesh... we are all just a skeleton

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define others according to their sex and flesh and form instead of realizing the presence as the being is what matters in who the person is and that who I am in relation to all other people is what matters... not the personality suit I put on depending on who I'm with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically change when around other people as thinking and believing I cannot simply be myself

When and as I see myself changing physically within myself when around males and others I define as powerful, authoritative, outgoing/fun, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that underneath it all, we are just skeletons and we all look the same and are the same and that who I am should not be determined by who I am with and so I commit myself to STOPPING myself in moments when around those I change myself around and to rather practice being myself by firstly breathing... slowing down in those moments to ensure I am not participating in a personality that wants to present myself as someone in relation to an idea/definition/judgment I have within my mind about who other people are and thus who I am

I commit myself to practice staying the same whomever I'm with

I commit myself to learn to love being myself with anyone and everyone

I commit myself to develop a relationship with all people that are supportive of each being able to be themselves... open and comfortable

I commit myself to stop changing myself according to ideas about who I am in relation to others and instead change myself because I see the very nature of myself, as my mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, has been conditioned to exist in separation and not in consideration of life in/as equality and oneness



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 21 Feb 2019, 06:26

636: Resistance

I have been facing major resistances the past few weeks - and only this week did I realize it was actually a resistance within me towards pretty much everything I've been doing and creating in my life. Initially, I was looking for the reason I felt unmotivated, disinterested, and overall lethargic... looking for a reaction that was influencing me in this way and in my experience. Then my partner offered a bit of insight as basically, I am resisting everything I've been busy with as my process of self-creation.

I am no stranger to resistance, yet it's been a while since I've experienced it. I did not see it like that initially. And now that I have, I realize there is much I can do because I've worked with resistance before. Not sure if ever to this degree, but I've dealt/faced and walked through it on multiple occasions. And so here I am again, facing another wall, a seemingly infinite wall I cannot fathom something existing beyond. Though I know that is not real, and like every wall I've experienced within myself, this too can come down.

In the most heavy duty direct way, I can walk through it - do exactly that which I'm resisting, which there is quite a list currently. More gently, I can walk through it in writing and self-forgiveness to create that foundation as a new script within myself, the new story, the new author writing the new chapter and then from there, I can move. I have always gone the direct way, diving in the deep end, and I've only begun to see recently the importance of being gentle, taking my time with things and giving myself the proper space to do it right.

So I will start here by saying I am facing a massive fucking resistance to my life and it has immobilized me. But I am not disempowered as I see the power I do have to move on from it. While the wall seems high, and the challenge impenetrable, I know there's a way with my will. And even in writing these words and acknowledging this is here I am making the decision to change directions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist that which I've been busy creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking actions that normally I apply that support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot possibly move from this resistance because I see already the influence it's had over me to stop me dead in my tracks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a moment in those moments of resistance, where I think I don't have the energy to do the simplest of things to rather take some breaths and slow myself down and to see the opportunity I do actually have to make a decision for myself, and not from the resistance to direct myself in what I do and don't do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this resistance within me as something so much more than what I've ever experienced instead of realizing that all the resistances I've walked through and learned from can support me here and now within this current resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the resistance and not do even the simplest of things that will support in starting to move myself to at least face the direction of walking through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe resistances are a dead end and I must stop and turn around instead of realizing the extent of the defenses of my mind and programming that I have installed within me to ensure I do not move beyond what was conditioned of me and to ensure I do not move to become a self-responsible, self-honest, self-created co-creator within this existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the resistance towards my life and in that, become inactive which then creates consequences in other areas of my life where I was meant to move and didn't and thus created a snowball effect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe resistances are more than me instead of realizing that I am one and equal to/as the resistance as what I'm currently accepting and allowing within myself - in stopping in the face of a resistance, I am saying the resistance can stop me and direct me and so that is what I'm accepting of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need something motivating me to move me, to create me, to make decisions

When and as I see myself going into resistance within my life, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that a resistance implies a change, a threshold I must walk through and past to step beyond my conditioning and programming and to step into a point of self-creation and so I am exactly where I want to be and so I commit myself to work with this resistance so that I can walk through this resistance and get to the other side and thus take full advantage of the gift the resistance actually is in showing me where I'm able to expand

I commit myself to see the resistance as a gift of self-expansion

I commit myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application in moments of resistance to support myself to start moving in the right direction as walking through the resistance

I commit myself to not turn away from the resistance as beleiving it is a dead end and instead take the stand to walk through



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 22 Feb 2019, 07:25

637: Sick Again!?!

I'm sick again. This is the second time this year and within me are the thoughts "not again" and "what did I do wrong" and overall a judgment towards me for being sick again as thinking this is a negative consequence to something I've done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to becoming sick again in thinking I shouldn't be sick again since I was just sick a month or so ago

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being sick as not wanting or willing to let myself really relax as being sick because I think I'm not supposed to be sick, and I've already been sick so I've 'done my time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being sick in thinking and believing I've done something wrong, as a point of a negative polarity as a judgment of 'bad' instead of considering and asking myself what created this, or how was this created and what can I learn from this experience?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed for getting sick again in thinking this will only slow me down when I've already been too slow and this is just not what I need right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think being sick is not something I need right now when in reality - my body is sick. that's the reality. and so obviously that's what it needs because that's what it is and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my body when it gets sick in realizing it is also self-aware, and walking a process of assisting and supporting all as one as equal as life and so who am I to say what my body needs when I am not aware of every cell of/as my body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship and awareness of and with every single cell in my body as an actual part of myself that is aware and here and existing and living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel foolish in writing the last line of forgiveness because I think someone might read it and think I'm a kook for suggesting it's possible to be aware of every single cell in my physical body instead of realizing THAT is the mind as ego in its limited existence and ignorance that is aware of only the sphere of the head it occupies and thus does not realize the actual awareness of the physical body as a breathing being here - the body is ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which is alive is aware

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own limited awareness onto my body and other living things wherein I actually think because I am not aware of all functional parts and pieces of this reality, then neither is anything else instead of realizing this physical reality - this substance is alive and aware

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the realization that LIFE in all its facets are aware because I think someone else will judge me for it instead of realizing the idea/belief that LIFE is not absolutely aware is ignorance in the flesh

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant to the (h)SELF in the FLES(h)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as my physical body, as my physical FLES(h) that is my physical SELF(h) and to thus understand what it is going through, what it needs to go through, how it supports itself and how it expresses itself - to understand it's existence in its entirety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I'm a victim to the sickness of my body in having no choice over getting sick instead of realizing the body is specific and the symptoms has a cause and I am a creator equal to and one with my body as that cause and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take equal responsibility for my equal participation as the creation of being sick

When and as I see myself resisting being sick, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am quite limited in my awareness and understanding of the physical body and what it needs, and how it functions and so why it would become sick and so I commit myself to slow myself down, move myself to embrace the sickness as a trust in my physical body that it is standing within what is best for all/me and further I commit myself to move myself to stand equal to and one with my physical body within/as what is best for all/me

I commit myself to stop thinking I can't be sick because I was just sick instead of allowing what is here to be here and to understand it

I commit myself to stop victimizing myself to being sick and rather see the gifts in being sick

I commit myself to stop judging myself in thinking I've done something wrong and that's why I am sick

I commit myself to continue to push to become aware and develop a relationship with my physical body as I realize it is aware

I commit myself to realize ALL life is aware and is here and has an ability to communicate it's existence

I commit myself to stop the fear of judgments from others get in the way of sharing common sense

I commit myself to stop participating in the limited reality/awareness within my mind and expand my awareness of the physical LIFE substance that is here, alive and aware




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