Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 06 Mar 2019, 06:38

648: Consequence of Assumptions

A point here of how in my assumption of information, I created consequences for a lot of people including myself. This was based on the idea that the information I had was absolute and right information where if I would have taken a closer look with common sense, I would have questioned the information and realized there was some missing. And then in this missing information leading to assumptions which led to consequences for more than just myself, me as my mind as my programmed to victimize and blame was backed into a corner, nowhere to go, but wanting so desperately to find someone to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be clear on information that then created a ripple effect on a lot more people's lives than my own - and in making assumptions about something, create a complete shift of daily events that could be consequential to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that mistakes or assumptions I make that direct me in my life and choices I take don't have an effect on others instead of realizing they do absolutely whether I see them or not and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be absolutely clear on all information I receive for a particular situation so as to avoid any consequence my assumptions or miss-takes could have on others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and feel sorry for creating a ripple effect and being a consequence on a lot of peoples lives because I made an assumption instead of being absolutely clear about some information and to within this feeling bad and feeling sorry not give more attention to what my mistake was as to learn what I could have done differently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped in a corner because my programming was to blame someone or something else on the experience of 'fucking up' and creating consequences on other people's lives - wherein I looked to other people involved to be the ones at fault instead of embracing the reality I could see clearly was ALL ME and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not own up to my mistakes but to instead waste time thinking about who I could blame it on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize and manipulate myself in relation to a mistake I made wherein I wanted to be the one that others felt bad for, and that I was the one seen as a victim because I was not willing to fully take responsibility for myself and how my actions influence and create ripples in other peoples lives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to own up to my mistake the moment I see it happened and to instead go into victimization and manipulation wherein I wanted to make others the source of my experience, as somehow creating the consequence we were all in instead of taking ownership of it myself as I could see it was all me

When and as I see myself not absolutely clear on information that was given to me in regards to a particular situation, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this not being totally clear can lead to making assumptions and those assumptions can be wrong and lead to consequences for myself and ripple effects in other people's lives and so I commit myself to stand within the point of responsibility I have to have ALL the information accurate and to not rely on my assumptions as I see I have a responsibility to how who I am and how it affects others and so I commit myself to absolutely confirm I am as clear as I can be when working with information for a particular situation and not lean on assumption

I commit myself to consider how every moment of my life has an indirect or direct influence and effect on other people's lives

I commit myself to realize the responsibility I have as an individual is great and so I commit myself to take that responsibility seriously in not rely on assumptions and rather becoming clear and what is needed or requested of me



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 07 Mar 2019, 05:11

649: A Commitment to Bloom

It has been now over 2 months of writing a blog daily for my Journey to Life. Tonight was the first night where I was actually not going to write, I would say with a valid excuse, but I am choosing not to because this is the first time I have been able to commit to this point and to walk it with a consistency of ease and I refuse to stop for a moment.

The daily writing has been so supportive for me. I was looking at this point the other day of how I felt like I was finally moving in my process - how I actually am making strides within my process and I considered that because of the daily blog. And then I had the thought "my blog is not really walking my process" as thinking it's a point I'm defining outside of myself - something I am doing rather than changing who I am.

But this daily blogging is precisely me changing who I am and that who I am is determining what I do and what I am doing is this daily blogging as my Journey to life. This is my Process... this is me walking my process, and every day I come here and show myself and YOU what I am walking.

There is daily movement, there is daily action of self-honesty, self-responsibility and self-integrity. I am learning to trust myself and others are learning to trust me as I am here every day, showing up because that is who I choose to be. And for the first time, I can say I am proud of myself because I am showing up for myself.

7 years ago a challenge was given to walking this Process Physically as the Journey to Life - to Commit to writing yourself out for a minimum of 7 years to transform yourself into what is best for all. 7 years later and I have only written less than 2 years worth of blogs, but I am more so committed today because I see the relevance, the purpose, the validity, the cause, and the effect.

I decided I was going to take on this Journey again because I saw so many reasons why I wasn't and so many excuses that kept me cycling through the same point. I know what it takes to walk this and I knew I had it in me, I just wasn't given myself the opportunity to show myself.

So I just wanted to share, like I do daily, that I am here and I'm not going anywhere and I am more so committed today than yesterday and I trust that with each daily application of writing my blog, of self-investigation, of self-responsibility, of self-honesty, of self-forgiveness, of EXPOSING myself and daring to LIVE OUT LOUD - revealing to all truths of me I once wanted to keep hidden, I am becoming stronger and stronger.

And while in this moment, physically, I am weakened, I still make a decision to come and write here. Even when I didn't have a topic. Even when I had a valid excuse. Even when I decided already I wasn't going to write, here I am. because I made a commitment myself and I want to see the commitment in full bloom.



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 07 Mar 2019, 17:25

650: Test your Stability - Change your Routine

A point here of feeling like nothing is normal - I am currently healing from a couple wisdom teeth being removed and so it's completely shifted what I've been doing the last few days, what I am able to do, what I can eat and can't eat - totally changing my routine and within that, within me, there is a yearning for "normalcy" as a point of the external environment being my point of stability - the normalcy keeping me feeling normal. The realization that it must come from within me and this exercise in being outside my comfort zone as my routine being completely shifted shows a deception within me where I created stability to come from outside of myself as my daily routine instead of from within/as myself as who I am...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my physical condition as 'just wanting things back to normal' and to within this, force myself and my body to be normal even though I am causing more harm than good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed and agitated by the lack of normalcy I am currently in, wherein my whole routine is changed and my physical ability is diminished wherein I have to take things slow and take into more consideration of what I eat and instead of wanting to walk with what my body and condition needs and requires, rather want to just 'be normal' again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my situation is not normal and to within this, yearn for a normal that I've defined as what I'm comfortable with instead of embracing and getting comfortable in the discomfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need things to be the same day in and day out to have any kind of stability within myself instead of realizing that the stability must come from within me, and not based on my physical environment or routine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet create consistent stability from within/as myself and instead place that stability on my external environment and routine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn for a normalcy in my routine where I can do the same actions, and say the same things, and eat the same foods, and everything is timed around the same time each day and to within this, feel comfortable and controlled wherein there are no surprises and that to me is stability instead of realizing I have been deceiving myself all this time as stability is not something that is separate from me but comes from within/as me and so I can have massive change and surprises - each day being so different from the previous, and still remain stable as it is Who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need things to be the same day in and day out in order to feel stable

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create inner stability that supports no matter what is going on around me or outside of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can be stable even if things change around me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted an allowed myself to trust on who I am as the point of stability I can count on

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can trust myself as who I am as a point of stability that will support me through moments of instability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe when things are different outside of me or if I can not do the same tasks I normally do, then my stability is lost instead of realizing that I have separated myself from my own stability by placing it outside/separate from me here as actions I take rather than who I am as my reason for taking action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can separate myself from my own stability

When and as I see myself reacting to things not being normal, or having to step out of what is normal to me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am in such a reaction implying my routine or 'same' external environment is what produces my stability and within that, am separating myself from my own self-stability and so I commit myself to realize that stability is within who I am and thus the actions I take and that I can actually trust myself to remain stable in each moment according to who I am regardless if things around me change and so I commit myself to count on myself in moments of instability as standing within my own inner-stability where the stability I am comes from who I am and not where I am or what is around me

I commit myself to create my inner-stability to support the outer-stability

I commit myself to be willing to stand in the unknown and abnormal moments as finding comfort in what's uncomfortable

I commit myself to challenge myself more to be uncomfortable as where I can create a self-comfort to expand

I commit myself to rooted my stability HERE within/as me by pushing to change things up in my daily routine as not following the same ol', same ol' and rather trying something new



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 08 Mar 2019, 17:28

651: Exposing the 'Fear of What Others Think'

A point here of some fear I am experiencing in relation to those who see these blogs, and what they think of these blogs aka me, and my words and my process to Life. What I realize is that in my fear of what others think of me is the absence of my own self-created self-definition wherein I have not yet made a decision about who I am, particularly within these blogs, but overall in general and so in that void there is room for others to add their own interpretations and to me, this is where I see the fear is coming from.

What if I filled that void myself? What if I decided who I am and made clear within myself why I do what I do - would I fear others adding their own observations? Would it matter where they stand in relation to me if I had established my own standing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear some to see these words - to fear to see my self-forgiveness and the living commitments I make in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst in people in assuming they will think of the worst of me if they read these words and ask themselves why I do this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself why I write openly and publicly and thus give to myself the answer as the living principle instead of leaving it open for interpretations where others can fill in the blanks and I fear the words they will use

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to articulate, calculate, and design precisely who I am within writing blogs so that I am clear and there is no room for interpretations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I define who I am, I no longer fear others defining who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in me not defining who I am and what I will and will not live, I open myself up to others defining me and projecting themselves onto me, and fearing THEY are right because I haven't done it for myself and so that living definition of me is not yet in place

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the power I have to create myself and the power I give to others when I don't as either I define me or I let others define me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my fear of how others see/interpret me actually comes from me not seeing/defining me and once I have defined who I am, and what I will and will not accept and allow - then there is no room for fear as I've already made the decision on who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself into thinking I have to walk through a fear of how others see/define me instead of realizing the only thing I am missing is defining me for me - deciding on who I will be and what I will live by and what I will not accept in my life and in that definition, I am clearly laying it out for myself, and so others, who I am

When and as I see myself fearing to share me here as I fear others misinterpreting me here, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my fear comes from a lack of self-will and creation wherein I have not yet specifically and deliberately defined me for me - the principles I will live by and what I will and will not accept and allow as who I am and thus how I live and that once I do, I will no longer fear someone else doing this for me as I am no longer at the whims of someone else's interpretation and so I commit myself to define, design, and create me as who I am, what I will accept and allow and what I will not as clearly mapping out ME for all to see

I commit myself to stop fearing how others will interpret me and instead start creating me

I commit myself to realize fear of what others think if me implies I have not decided who I will be yet

I commit myself to create ME in deciding who I will be as thought, word, and deed



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby mikelammers » 09 Mar 2019, 12:57

For what it's worth. Your words are most supportive although that might not be your experience!



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 12 Mar 2019, 06:18

For what it's worth. Your words are most supportive although that might not be your experience!
Thanks Mike!



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 12 Mar 2019, 06:19

652: Agreement Support

Agreement. What is an Agreement? To me, in the context of how I've been living it, it's a point of understanding the time and space needed and required to actually change.

My partner and I agreed to walk this life together - to learn how to live and exist as equals, to work and live as partners in life. What I've realized recently is it's about actually agreeing, UNCONDITIONALLY, to walk the time it takes to actually change. And when I react to things 'not changed yet', even though I see the determination and commitment, it implies I am not unconditional in my agreement.

The agreement is agreeing to walk THIS LIFE, until it's done. If it takes 90 years to change ourselves - is it worth it? Yes, because Life is worth it. And within that - it's not about waiting for the other to change.. the agreement is about SELF. ME changing ME. My partner is here within the same stance and that is what we agreed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditional in my agreement in needing things to change within a certain time frame instead of realizing what it means to actually LIVE an agreement as a living principle - agreeing to give and live support for oneself and another, UNTIL IT'S DONE

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that an agreement is not about how long it takes to change, but is the nature of the partnership that allows the space to change - the environment which facilitates change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be an unconditional point of support for my partner in having expectations on when he should be changing and in what ways he should be changing instead of giving him the space he needs to walk his process, as I see he does, and being here as a point of support when he needs it, as he is here for me when I need it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that an agreement is not a need of a partnership, but rather individuals willing to walk together as equals, alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that an agreement is the space to create change not the agreeing to have expectations or desires in life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give my partner the space he requires to change and to thus give myself the space I require to change and so giving each other the space necessary to change - in that becoming supporters in change and not enforcers of change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that an agreement is not about expectations of each person but rather principles as what we are willing to walk and the nature of our walking together - but that there exists no conditions of time as we agree to give this life to walk what we need to change who we are in this life and who we are in relation to this life

When and as I see myself expecting a change from my partner as an expectation of a timeframe in which there must be change, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the agreement we walked into was an agreement for LIFE to walk this lifetime together, alone, to change ourselves and to support each other to change and that there was no stipulation on when that change had to happen and rather depended absolutely on each partner as their willingness to walk self-change and so I commit myself to stop the need for change in a timeframe as I realize I am living a conditional agreement and rather free myself within the agreement I walk with my partner as giving each other this life to do what's necessary to be done and to get it done

I commit myself to give my partner the time and space he needs to change and to be here as a point of unconditional support as the living agreement we set out for ourselves

I commit myself to give myself the time and space I need to change and to ask for support from my partner when I require as he is here standing in unconditional support

I commit myself to create the space within my agreement where each has the time and space to do what they need to do to support themselves and to not put on any expectations on either of us and rather remember the agreement is about the principle of walking together within a starting point of self-change and that as long as each is standing in that point, we can walk as equals and so I commit myself to become unconditional in my starting point of walking together, yet alone, with my partner as knowing I don't know how long it will take, but we will walk this until it's done.



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 14 Mar 2019, 05:20

653: Competing with my Partner

One aspect of my agreement with my partner that has become glaringly obvious and oh so troublesome for us is the fact that we seem to not work together as a team, but rather end up working against each other - like we are actually competing, each trying to win over the other.

We both are aware of this, and how silly it is, and how problematic it is when it shows up in certain aspects of our lives. For me it started out in thinking we just can't work on projects together but I know this is like giving up instead of being willing to look at myself and see where I can change to actually make it work... where can I change to allow us to better work together?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner where it's like we are on separate teams, playing a game, and there can only be one winner instead of realizing we are actually on the same team, with the same goal, and it can be a win/win situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and thus define my partner and I as 'not able to work together' where I JUSTified that statement 'as fact' for him and I - that we JUST can't work together - instead of realizing it is our Ego's that can't work together and if we were to drop our egos... scratch that, if I were to drop my ego and find the common denominator in terms of our ultimate and end goals, I would see the simplicity of working together and that we can, in fact, come together in agreement to work together

I forgive myself that I have accepted a, in fact,ed myself to think and believe that my partner and I just don't work on projects well together and it's best that we work independently of each other instead of realizing we end up going head to head because we are both stubborn and want to be right and think our way is the best way as all ego relationships do - all in the heads... and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself, get off my high horse, and be willing to hear his way as a point of practically learning to work together where I do not give in to this belief and definition that we just can't work together on projects and instead push to change myself so that we can

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within team sports and competition as I want to compete against others and win and be better than others, and be #1 and to within this programming, carry it into my relationship/agreement with my partner where even the simplistic and most mundane of tasks, I am attempting to compete and come out as the winner and to within this, not realize what nature is being accepted and allowed in the subtly of my actions of trying to win - which is putting him in a position of being the loser/less than and me basically being better than another human being

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the nature of competition and team sports wherein the ultimate goal is about winning and being #1 and having another team lose - and even in our facade statement of 'games are just for fun' - we all know very well the value we put on winning and so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question the value we put on winning as being #1 and being the best and creating a loser in another/another team

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the nature of competition and how it exists within me in the most subtle of ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that competition is like a war where I want someone to actually become diminished in my winning where I become bigger than other and so in my becoming bigger, someone else has to become smaller - I must overpower another to subdue another

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to challenge my competition character every time I see it emerges within me in relation to my agreement with my partner where I want to be right and I want my partner to be wrong as challenging a fundeMENTAL programming that exists in our world where we let some win and others lose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to be right and my partner has to be wrong and that is just the way things MUST be because I cannot fathom being wrong or not knowing something - because my ego is so full of itself it cannot consider there is a vastness it is unaware of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego get in the way of humility and groundedness where winning and being right and competing have no real value to me in terms of who I am and rather working together with another human being become of most value and priority

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put finding ways to work with other human beings as more important and valuable than winning over another human being

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the importance of this day and age for us ALL to stop competing with each other and to rather start willing to listen to someone else and to be humble enough to try another's suggestion as not needing to be right/the winner in our self-created competition but rather see the value and importance of being able to work together

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize competition is a man-made construct of the mind and that I don't actually have to compete with anyone for anything - that who I am is valuable enough and I don't have to 'win' to prove I am something to someone or that I matter or have value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life as winning and to make life a big ass competition where I want there to be losers because I must win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create losers in my need to compete and to win

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the world of losers created in my need to compete and win

When and as I see myself competing with my partner as if we are not on the same team, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that competition and wanting to win is ego games and a waste of my time as I am valuing competition and creating losers more than I am valuing human beings working together and so I commit myself to stop the games and to get real and start humbling myself in honing my skills of working with others

I commit myself to redefine my agreement to be that of 'working together'

I commit myself to practice working with others as a principle of utmost importance

I commit myself to expose the nature of competition and it's unacceptable existence in this world and the consequences it creates until it ends once and for all

I commit myself to show myself and others we can thrive in life and not just survive in competition

I commit myself to show myself and others that a win/win solution is always possible

I commit myself to drop my ego and to listen to others as a point of practicing working with others

I commit myself to not accept the idea I can't work well with others and instead change myself to work well with others always



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 19 Mar 2019, 05:44

654: Since I Stopped Smoking...

It's been more than 7 days since I last had a cigarette. I have been a smoker for more than half my life and I've attempted to stop only a handful of times, unsuccessfully obviously. The last time I tried was about a year and a half ago and I quit for 3 months. A lot of the same factors as my reasoning for stopping are part of this attempt but this time I had an opportunity to have a little help to get started. I had a couple wisdom teeth removed and both times previously I've had teeth pulled, I've given myself dry-socket from smoking right after. This time I decided I would give my body the proper time off to heal as effectively as possible and so I thought well if I won't be smoking, why not use this as an opportunity to stop for good.

So that was the initial consideration for the timing to stop. The other factor is money. I spend a lot of money to smoke and I am having a hard time these days justifying smoking my money away - especially when I can't actually afford to smoke - the practical reality situation wins again. So money is a big motivator.

Another aspect of the decision is to simply change my programming. I have smoked for a long time, my parents smoked/smoke and many members of my family smoked/smoke so it's another generational/family design I think it's about time I break. I would love to be able to pick up a smoke here and there and enjoy one without the addiction or dependency nature that comes with it... but right now, I can't, that's not my relationship to it. So another part of this decision is to change this relationship to smoking once and for all - where I am FREE and CLEAR to move without that action dictating when, where, how, why, and with whom...

So more than 7 days in and it's not necessarily any easier. The decision is still clear. There have been moments of becoming ecstatic at the thought of ridding myself of the habit once and for all... feeling thrilled at the idea of not any more 'having' to smoke. Which sounds crazy, right - thinking I "have" to smoke but that is how I experienced it. There was no choice from my perspective... I had to do it.

But the most interesting aspect so far I'm noticing with this stopping is the TIME that has become available. There is lots of time I used to fill with smoking and now I experience myself as completely lost... like what do I do with all these transitional moments of in between actions... having a cup of coffee in the morning, after breakfast, on my way to work, on my break from work, on my way home from work, with my afternoon coffee, after dinner, before bed... all these in-between moments where I used to stop and just smoke, thinking I was relaxing and gearing up for the next task are now completely available to me to do whatever it is I wish to do.

But I have no idea what to do. Those transitional moments seem to be the most challenging. The in-between moments... I jokingly ask my partner "now what" in these moments lol because he's not a smoker and so I'm genuinely curious as to what goes through himself/his mind in these moments of in between... when he doesn't go to 'smoke break' what does he do?

So I have to relearn how to utilize my time... how to transition from one moment to the next without using a cigarette to be the ice breaker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is too much time available without smoking and now I don't know what to do with myself in those moments of when I used to smoke

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself in moments of 'in between with smoking as a way to fill time or to KILL time and to now without smoking, feel lost and confused on what to do with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe smoking is a good use of my time because, without it, I feel I am not using my time properly as I have too much time I don't know how to utilize properly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will never know what to do with myself in those moments when I used to smoke and to rather realize it will take time to adjust to a new habit of not smoking wherein I am not dependent or in need of smoking and rather am able to direct and move myself within each moment, unconditionally, and without influence of a dependency

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost in moments of transition from one activity to the next where I used to fill this time with smoking and now that I'm not smoking, not sure of myself or what to do with myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in those moments of transition where I'm in between actions throughout my day where I used to smoke and now that I'm not, breathe instead to support myself to ground myself in my body and to ground myself into my physical movement, the breath, as the real-time living until I get strong enough to move myself more directly from one moment to the next

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the amount of time I've spent on smoking/my addiction and how much time that translates into creating myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need to smoke to fill up the spaces in between myself and my life instead of allowing myself to embrace the nothingness of the moments in between where there is nothing going on and I can for that moment stop, breathe and stand within/as my physical body

When and as I see myself feeling lost or unsure of what to do with myself in moments of in-between actions or transitional moments after or into an action, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the amazing gift and opportunity I have to, in those moments of in between, breathe and get into my body - get grounded and into the physical and really align with my physical breathing as the application of realtime living and so I commit myself to in those moments of self-doubt of what to do with myself were I used to fill it with smoking, I instead use it to fill me inside my body with breathing and focusing on my physical fingers and toes and ground myself here

I commit myself to retrain myself to be able to live free and clear here without the need or want of smoking a cigarette

I commit myself to realize I can live without smoking as I once did for the first part of my life

I commit myself to rid myself of this dependency of smoking by utilizing the gift and support of my physical body/breathing

I commit myself to find more efficient ways to utilize my time and to maximize the full potential of all the time available to me in one day



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 26 Mar 2019, 06:00

655: Who Am I in those Moments when I Don't Smoke?

Continuing from the previous blog in looking at the relationship I have towards smoking and time, what I can see is how there is a definition of purpose defined within smoking. Where in these in-between moments when I would usually smoke, now they are vacant and I see a void of purpose... not having any direction or meaning to myself in those moments. It's like smoking once gave me a reason and purpose at that moment... to smoke... and now that I am not smoking, what is left? Where am I? Who am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose and meaning within/as smoking as the moments where I would smoke, now that I'm not, feeling lost and without a reason or purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those moments of smoking as having something to do with myself and not actually having to face myself as the question of 'who I am' without smoking... without an idea or belief or definition... with nothing... who am I?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate and question who I am without smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a smoker and to think and believe without that definition I am without something or I have lost something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am somehow lost without the habit of smoking instead of realizing this lostness is the self-definition I've given to myself as 'being a smoker' because I am no longer smoking, I do not fulfill that definition of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate this lostness and mourn the relationship with smoking that's finally coming to an end

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate the lostness and the mourning of no longer smoking as a process I must walk to once and for all free myself from the habit of smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will never have direction in those moments where I used to smoke but now don't and so in for so long defining who I am within those moments and now taking that away, feeling unsure of who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get excited about the uncertainty of who I am in those moments where I am no longer smoking as the opportunity to create and decide who I will be

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the opportunity I have to create myself as a new self-definition without smoking as something that was in a way already determined and now, in stopping, I have a chance to determine for myself who I will be in ALL moments of my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the lostness I experience in moments where I used to smoke is real instead of realizing I can never actually lose myself as I am always here and it's only the relationship to smoking that I have lost as putting an end to it and so I must allow myself to walk through that process of stopping/ending the cycle of me smoking as an actual death process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself within stopping smoking as an actual death process as I am putting an end to a habit that I have given my life to for many years

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to mourn the loss of ending smoking

When and as I see myself defining myself as lost or without purpose or meaning in those moments of no longer smoking, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is simply the process I must walk to walk through the ending of the relationship I've had towards smoking where it was a point of self-defining myself in moments - to have a reason and purpose in moments of something to do and so I commit myself to now embrace and understand who I am without smoking... without everything that I've created a relationship towards that I've become dependent on and to rather face who I am with nothing

I commit myself to face and embrace myself in those moments of not smoking as seeing who I am and deciding who I will be in those moments

I commit myself to not fear being lost in those moments of no longer smoking and rather see me for the first time without smoking

I commit myself to allow myself to mourn the ending of the relationship I've had with smoking




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