662: The Anxiety Within Me
In the last 4 months of not smoking, I've noticed a peculiar behavior emerge. It probably did not emerge just in the last 4 months, but it was in removing the habit of smoking that I started to notice and become aware of this other habit I had. And it very much still relates to why I was smoking and reveals more of the reasons behind my smoking.
The habit is when I am talking to someone - on the phone, or in person, I notice this mostly when I'm at work, I become anxious and I reach for food. Most times I've noticed it where I'll reach for whatever snack, mostly nuts, that I keep at my desk, and it's been obvious to me that it's this anxiety triggering the behavior to reach for food, because often times I'm not hungry, I have not had the thought prior to it about having a snack or anything else.
Initially, it was just something I started noticing myself doing... I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I'm trying to talk to them while I have food in my mouth lol.
Then I started to see what was behind this behavior, noticing the moments I actually reach for the bag of nuts, and the moments deciding to reach for the bag of nuts... and I noticed a steady stream of anxiety within me while speaking with other people.
And so another dimension of this nature of me I have become aware of. And that's what this process is about... peeling back the layers to see what's at the core of me! And as I step closer... there is anxiety. What am I anxious about exactly? the details are not finely in view yet, but I'll see through this process, especially within self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for food at work and elsewhere when talking to other people as a point of dealing with anxiety coming up within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as a distraction from anxiety I experience when talking to other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must eat food in moments when I'm feeling anxious as a way to deal with this anxiety instead of realizing I can be in the moment, vulnerable and without a need to distract myself and understand what it is I am experiencing
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get to know this anxiety within me that has been for years triggering behavior of coping and dealing with this with food, stuffing it down deeper instead of understanding where it comes from
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious around other people - to think and believe I must feel nervous and uncertain instead of realizing in moments with others I still have me, and I am still here and a few good breaths and bringing myself back to myself can ground me in the moment to further understand what I am exactly anxious about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for years, cover up and distract myself from what I truly feel in moments, so that I can better understand myself and stand in full awareness of myself, wherein I have the power the change and direct me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food, like cigarettes, as a crutch for my experience where it's like I'm walking with a limb and I need help and support to stand upright, and so food is what I lean on for support, because there is a weakness in me I am not strong enough yet within
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this weakness within me wherein I think I shouldn't have a crutch and I should be able to stand on my own two feet instead of living patience within myself wherein I understand that there was a moment of trauma or instability in my environment or within me that caused this discord and weakness and that it' not bad or something I should be ashamed of or deny or think I have to quickly fix but instead give myself the proper time to heal, through forgiveness, and to gently push myself to learn how to stand up and on my own two feet without the need of a crutch
When and as I see myself reaching for food when I'm talking to others on the phone or in person, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that who I am in that moment is anxious and that I am reaching for food to distract myself from that anxiousness and to deal with/lean on that food to be a point of support and so I commit myself to realize that I am enough of a support for myself now to in such moments, stop and breathe, and give myself a moment to be with myself, to ground me in that moment, and to stop myself from reaching for that food.
I commit myself to learn how to live without a crutch
I commit myself to understand why it is I've come to lean on a crutch, such as food, to better understand myself and better see a solution to let go of the crutch
I commit myself to stop judgments towards myself for the crutch I might need, as a point of support for the weakness in me, and instead be patient with myself, but to finally and once and for all, walk myself into the slow but sure process of strengthening my ability to stand on my own two feet
I commit myself to keep investigating this point within myself to get to know me and what it is I am actually living as who I am