Kristina's Journey to Life

Place your Blogs Here
User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 27 Mar 2019, 06:29

656: Now How Do I Deal?


One of the aspects of stopping smoking for me is stopping suppressions. Smoking was a way to deal with myself in many moments of different experiences and now that I'm not smoking, I am having to learn how to cope with myself in those moments. And so for me, learning how to try something new, willing to reach out when I really want to suppress, and understanding that it's going to take me doing something different to get different results.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more proactive when I see I am experiencing emotional turmoil and instead want to just 'wait it out' and see if it subsides

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to communicate with others when I am experiencing emotional turmoil as wanting to keep it inside and not share it with anyone and not ask for support when I see I need it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself to do something different than the same actions that created the emotional turmoil in the first place as willing to actually be and do differently to attempt to produce a different result

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the same actions in anticipation of a different experience without realizing I have to change to create a change and to experience change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more willing to support myself within the tools I have such as writing and self-forgiveness when I see I am in a state of emotional turmoil but rather revert to a program setting of 'remain here' until it subsides as if that is the solution to my problem instead of realizing the complacency perhaps produced the emotional state in the first place and I require to become more proactive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent in my process as not willing to try new things to move myself out of certain emotional experiences where I see what I've been doing is not working and so I will have to will myself to try something else

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize my self-will to try new things when it comes to supporting myself out of certain emotional experiences wherein there is actually lots I can see I can support myself with but there is not many I have allowed myself to try

When and as I see myself stuck in an emotional experience and not willing myself to move/try something different in terms of self-support, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am living out insanity in doing in the same thing expecting a different result and so I commit myself to will myself to try something new and different and that I see can actually support me

I commit myself to reach out for support from others more when I see I am feeling alone in an emotional experience

I commit myself to be willing to communicate more when I'm in an emotional experience as not allowing myself to suppress my experience

I commit myself to get creative and innovative when it comes to trying new things in my process of self-change and support



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 31 Mar 2019, 03:48

657: A Creator Trapped in it's Own Creation

A point here of realizing the extent to the addiction and automatic habit I've created out of smoking and within that, the realization of the power I have as a creator because as a creator, I've enslaved myself into my own decision and choices. Throughout the years I made a decision in many moments to smoke which created it to become automatic to the point where I don't have to decide anymore, the body/mind/being smokes without the decision needing to be made. It's an established and accepted habit. Now - in making the decision to stop, I have to go against my very own programming that I designed... and finding that very difficult yet also very revealing... a creator trapped in its own creation...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reward myself with a cigarette after I finish an activity - as if smoking is the reward I get for completing a task

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the habit through consistent action of having a cigarette every time I finish doing something... whether getting ready for work, or making dinner, or eating dinner, or writing a blog... to always go have a smoke and through the years, programming myself to automatically go for one without even having to think about it and so when I stop the smoking habit, see the automation in its full expression as the thought and physical sensation rise throughout my body to move myself to smoke

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I program myself within certain habit and behaviors... through years of accepting and allowing moments of those certain behaviors and habits that eventually, in time, become part of my physical design wherein I do not even have to think about it anymore, my body just 'does it'

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the amount of time I've spent programming myself and my body to be a smoker and to smoke after specific activities and during specific moments throughout the day and that I may have to walk equally the same amount of time to rid myself of the programming from my physical flesh

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to smoke cigarettes to where I become addicted and it becomes an automatic habit, but to then feel helpless and powerless in stopping the habit instead of realizing how powerful I am actually as I have trapped myself into a habit through my own actions that I now believe I cannot stop

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how powerful I am through moments of acceptance and allowance and to not realize the extent of my power as what I accept and allow, over time, consistently becomes part of my physical flesh

When and as I see myself wanting to smoke after certain activities, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I have programmed myself throughout years of acceptance and allowances to smoke after certain activities and that I must now be equally committed to creating a consistent stopping in those same moments as the only way in which I will de-program myself from the smoking program I've conditioned myself to live out and so I commit myself to stick to my breath and breathing in those moments when the physical flesh tells me I want to smoke as the physical sensation of the habit formed in my body and to not give in to the automation of my own creation that says, within every fiber of my being, to just smoke. I commit myself to instead stand as the point of change where I am choosing to not follow the program I've created and to instead create me into something new



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 31 Mar 2019, 21:06

658: Me as the Nature of Capitalism

Here a point of seeing when I want to create/make/produce more of something as a point of quantity over quality and what actually is then sacrificed in that stance...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to produce quantity over quality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's more important to focus on the quantity of what I produce rather than the quality of what I produce

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I exist as the nature of capitalism wherein it's become more important to produce a lot to sell, buy and consume rather than produce quality products that last the test of time, that exist to support and not to exploit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the nature of capitalism wherein I would rather produce a lot that is easy to consume rather than produce what really matters where the quality become the focus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's better to produce more of something at the expense of its quality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself more time and attention to something and instead rather get it out there quick and easy to maximize a profit/potential/return

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about the return that what I can give

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the nature of what I give is more important than the return

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to produce that which is cheap and easy to maximize my profit/return instead of giving the proper time, attention, care, and detail to what I produce/create to ensure it is in fact what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider what is best for all in what I produce/create

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that which I produce/create/sell/give to others to be governed by that which is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to want to push as much out there into the world/public without consideration of what I am putting out there, and how it will be received and whether that receptivity is what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not aaccepted and allowed myself to slow down in moments to give real porper care and attention to that which I create to ensure that which I gift has the quality of what is best for all within/as it's essence/nature/signature

When and as I see myself valuing quantity over quality, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in my need to produce more/most I compromise the quality and do not give the proper time and attention and care into that which I am creating and so I commit myself to make the quality of utmost value and importance and that if the quantity is what must be sacrificed to produce/create the highest quality as that which is best for all, then so be it as I see it's more important to produce what is best for all than how many people I can get to accept/buy/consume it

I commit myself to stop the nature of capitalism within me wherein producing quantity over quality became most important

I commit myself to expose how capitalism as it currently exists as quantity over quality is, in fact, the abuse of life on earth and that we can redefine capitalism is to based on what is best for all

I commit myself to create/give/produce from/as myself the highest quality as what is best for all



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 12 Apr 2019, 16:44

659: Do You Hear what they Are Really Saying?

Here a point where I sometimes find myself annoyed or impatient in moments of communicating with others - not wanting to hear what they are speaking about, feeling like they are wasting my time - especially if I think what they are saying "doesn't matter" or is irrelevant to what we are actually trying to do...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up my time for others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give others a moment of my time in really hearing them out and being present with them instead of waiting for them to stop speaking so I can move on with what I was doing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be interested in others' words and expressions instead of learning to stop and investigate what matters in matters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write most people off as selfish and not worth my time as thinking and believing 'they' mostly speak about things that don't matter instead of listening to their words and in my presence and silence, HEAR what they are actually saying as what is beneath the surface of what we are presenting to others as our words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the idea that what others say is not important instead of asking myself if I think that about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my words as that which doesn't matter

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the attention and time as really hearing myself out to get to know and understand what is here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can walk alone within this world in thinking others will only hold me back or pull me down instead of realizing I may be the one to support and uplift and that I do not have to fear others holding me back or pulling me down as I am directive principle of/as myself and if I get held back or pulled down it is from my own doing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I do not have to fear being influenced by others as I have already proven to myself I am willing to walk alone

When and as I see myself not giving others the time of day as not wanting to hear them out or listen to them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is a reaction to the belief that others will hold me back or pull me down and that I do not have to fear others holding me back or pulling me down and that perhaps I am here to support others to move forward and to pull themselves up and so I commit myself to stop avoiding/hiding/resisting spending more time with others and instead embrace others as the realization that we must change together, all as ONE as Equals

I commit myself to practice giving people the time as my presence to really HEAR what they have to say as to Hear what is actually here for them so that I may better support them here

I commit myself to give myself permission to hear others in a moment of the day and to to be willing to STOP in the moment to hear them out as valuing what matters in matter



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 16 Apr 2019, 06:26

660: I've Reaped what I've Sown

Not too long ago I noticed an interesting consideration within myself that I have not seen before, but was oh so grateful for. This was just past the two week mark of no smoking (I am now closing in on the 7 weeks mark) and I noticed this particular point came up to have a cigarette, and within that, an experience of longing and missing - like a feeling of wishing I could experience it again while simultaneously knowing it may never be ever again... and in that, the missing and longing to smoke.

At that moment, I realized the commitment and decision was made, and the willingness to walk it, despite how much discomfort and challenge there is, I am giving it my best to change this habit, and so I said to myself, "You are not going to smoke, it's okay, but you are not going to smoke. Just accept that." And it was like a point of gently nudging myself to face the reality of where I am, and in that, face the reality of the discomfort I experience physically in not smoking in those moments when I really want to... it was like a moment of giving myself a hug, acknowledging it's a tough phase right now, and it sucks, but also telling myself that it's temporary and to just keep pushing.

It was a really cool moment with myself because I could see this awareness within me telling the 'me' that smokes and has become dependent on this habit that it's time for a change. And the really cool part was the awareness felt stronger than the dependent voice to smoke... while it causes a bit of a ruckus, it really couldn't say anything to convince me to smoke because clearly, I could see the reality of the situation and the nature of my decision and the nature of the process to change and who I am wanting to be... that self-awareness was strong.

To me, this was another amazing reward of the Desteni process. The years I've put it to challenge myself and to change my habits and to question my fears and to push my potentials... to not accept limitations and to strive to be better has resulted in this awareness that came through and was there for me this time. It was me. I was there for me when I needed me to be there... when I faced a moment of weakness, and of temptation. I had established enough self-awareness within myself that it stood in a moment when I really needed it to.

Man, I was grateful in that moment and also kind of in awe at the whole moment as the inner-dialogue and inner-process I went through when that 'want to smoke' was triggered - how I handled myself and how I got myself through that moment was remarkable because it was new and it showed me the inner strength I've developed. I was proud. I am proud of who I am and have become. The sow of what I've reaped.



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 24 Jun 2019, 05:24

661: Reasons for My Blog Silence


Hi all, happy Sunday.

It has been a bit since my last blog post. I wanted to check in and give you an update on what I've been up to and also refresh myself within blogging.

I started slowing down the blog posts when I quit smoking on March 1 of this year. Initially I was writing through the beginning stages but I found every activity that was part of my "normal routine" was a trigger for smoking so I essentially had to stop my "normal routine" as a point of support - basically just stopping for a while and taking it VERY easy in my reality (meaning - just doing the absolute basics and letting myself watch a lot of Netflix).

It took almost two months to start feeling myself again where I could do my normal routine stuff without feeling like I wanted to smoke after every activity. I am the most comfortable I've been in my day to day living, without smoking, than I ever have been before.

No smoking has been going great. This is probably my 4th or 5th attempt to stop smoking. This time around there seems to be a much more rational talking myself out of the act of smoking. But to me, this is actually my awareness - my self-honest awareness of who I am and who I want to be gently reminding myself in moments of temptation why I decided to quit. And so far, that awareness has not swayed and I have not given myself any justification to go back to smoking, because this awareness is damn too practical and rational about it lol. I am eternally grateful for the change in me :) If you'd like further support on stopping smoking, or any addiction for that matter, - I am here! It literally is now clear within me if I can stop smoking, anyone can. I will be releasing some vlogs in time to come talking more about my relationship to smoking and how I finally got to a point where I was able to decide to stop. Seriously - if I can, you can.

Next point:

Last month I finally started releasing a project I've been working on with some other fellow destonians - Inner View. I've released the full first discussion (can see it HERE) and 3 of 4 parts of the 2nd discussion (can see HERE). There are 2 more topics recorded and will be slowly but surely released over the next couple months - so please subscribe and share.

I came up with this idea last fall to get the destonian ladies back together and in front of the camera and start opening up some topics for discussion and to get our perspectives out into the world. They were eager and like mentioned, 4 topics were discussed in 4 months time - so from that perspective, the project flowed and moved quite nicely with participants and topics good to go.

The other side of it, however, took much longer. I had decided to edit the clips to make them more digestible for people before just releasing an hour and a half discussion. The editing proved to take the most time as I was a beginner editor - what did I know about editing videos? There was my day to day living (work, partnership, animal/house/self-maintenance responsibilities) reality that would come up as priority and slowed the project down. And also there was a massive wall of resistance that I hit within it.

I knew no matter what I wanted to get out what we had recorded, and I had to will myself to work on it here and there to get it finally moving. But even in my lack of movement, I knew I would move on it and I just had to be patient with myself and give myself the proper butt kicking needed because I knew the direction I wanted to go, and even though I wasn't going in that direction for some time, I knew I had to take the steps to get to where I wanted to go and to produce what I wanted to produce. It took a whole lot of baby steps.

It was a long process and many frustrations with myself for taking the time I did but I learned a lot about myself and was able to apply some of the things I've learned about this process of changing my nature in the last 10 months. Like trusting that the resistance I was facing was a self-limitation, a self-imposed fear that if I could move myself past I knew I would be growing and changing myself. I was creating something new, I was doing new activities, I was changing up my routine and learning new skills and me as "who I've always been" as what I've always thought I "could" or "should" do was challenged and that sometimes comes with resistance. But I was ready and willing to do what was necessary to walk through that resistance, no matter how long it took, to get to where I wanted to go.

And so I did. And so please watch, give your feedback, share your insights, subscribe, and join in the discussion! It's been a very fun project to coordinate and each conversation, each person that participated, supported and nurtured me, I'm sure the others discussing and watching, and themselves!

So that is a bit on what I've been busy with. Thanks for reading and walking along!



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 27 Jun 2019, 06:40

661: Reasons for my Blog Silence

Hi all, happy Sunday.

It has been a bit since my last blog post. I wanted to check in and give you an update on what I've been up to and also refresh myself within blogging.

I started slowing down the blog posts when I quit smoking on March 1 of this year. Initially I was writing through the beginning stages but I found every activity that was part of my "normal routine" was a trigger for smoking so I essentially had to stop my "normal routine" as a point of support - basically just stopping for a while and taking it VERY easy in my reality (meaning - just doing the absolute basics and letting myself watch a lot of Netflix).

It took almost two months to start feeling myself again where I could do my normal routine stuff without feeling like I wanted to smoke after every activity. I am the most comfortable I've been in my day to day living, without smoking, than I ever have been before.

No smoking has been going great. This is probably my 4th or 5th attempt to stop smoking. This time around there seems to be a much more rational talking myself out of the act of smoking. But to me, this is actually my awareness - my self-honest awareness of who I am and who I want to be gently reminding myself in moments of temptation why I decided to quit. And so far, that awareness has not swayed and I have not given myself any justification to go back to smoking, because this awareness is damn too practical and rational about it lol. I am eternally grateful for the change in me :) If you'd like further support on stopping smoking, or any addiction for that matter, - I am here! It literally is now clear within me if I can stop smoking, anyone can. I will be releasing some vlogs in time to come talking more about my relationship to smoking and how I finally got to a point where I was able to decide to stop. Seriously - if I can, you can.

Next point:

Last month I finally started releasing a project I've been working on with some other fellow destonians - Inner Views. I've released the full first discussion (can see it HERE) and 3 of 4 parts of the 2nd discussion (can see HERE). There are 2 more topics recorded and will be slowly but surely released over the next couple months - so please subscribe and share.

I came up with this idea last fall to get the destonian ladies back together and in front of the camera and start opening up some topics for discussion and to get our perspectives out into the world. They were eager and like mentioned, 4 topics were discussed in 4 months time - so from that perspective, the project flowed and moved quite nicely with participants and topics good to go.

The other side of it, however, took much longer. I had decided to edit the clips to make them more digestible for people before just releasing an hour and a half discussion. The editing proved to take the most time as I was a beginner editor - what did I know about editing videos? There was my day to day living (work, partnership, animal/house/self-maintenance responsibilities) reality that would come up as priority and slowed the project down. And also there was a massive wall of resistance that I hit within it.

I knew no matter what I wanted to get out what we had recorded, and I had to will myself to work on it here and there to get it finally moving. But even in my lack of movement, I knew I would move on it and I just had to be patient with myself and give myself the proper butt kicking needed because I knew the direction I wanted to go, and even though I wasn't going in that direction for some time, I knew I had to take the steps to get to where I wanted to go and to produce what I wanted to produce. It took a whole lot of baby steps.

It was a long process and many frustrations with myself for taking the time I did but I learned a lot about myself and was able to apply some of the things I've learned about this process of changing my nature in the last 10 months. Like trusting that the resistance I was facing was a self-limitation, a self-imposed fear that if I could move myself past I knew I would be growing and changing myself. I was creating something new, I was doing new activities, I was changing up my routine and learning new skills and me as "who I've always been" as what I've always thought I "could" or "should" do was challenged and that sometimes comes with resistance. But I was ready and willing to do what was necessary to walk through that resistance, no matter how long it took, to get to where I wanted to go.

And so I did. And so please watch, give your feedback, share your insights, subscribe, and join in the discussion! It's been a very fun project to coordinate and each conversation, each person that participated, supported and nurtured me, I'm sure the others discussing and watching, and themselves!

So that is a bit on what I've been busy with. Thanks for reading and walking along!



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 30 Jun 2019, 20:04

662: The Anxiety Within Me

In the last 4 months of not smoking, I've noticed a peculiar behavior emerge. It probably did not emerge just in the last 4 months, but it was in removing the habit of smoking that I started to notice and become aware of this other habit I had. And it very much still relates to why I was smoking and reveals more of the reasons behind my smoking.

The habit is when I am talking to someone - on the phone, or in person, I notice this mostly when I'm at work, I become anxious and I reach for food. Most times I've noticed it where I'll reach for whatever snack, mostly nuts, that I keep at my desk, and it's been obvious to me that it's this anxiety triggering the behavior to reach for food, because often times I'm not hungry, I have not had the thought prior to it about having a snack or anything else.

Initially, it was just something I started noticing myself doing... I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I'm trying to talk to them while I have food in my mouth lol.

Then I started to see what was behind this behavior, noticing the moments I actually reach for the bag of nuts, and the moments deciding to reach for the bag of nuts... and I noticed a steady stream of anxiety within me while speaking with other people.

And so another dimension of this nature of me I have become aware of. And that's what this process is about... peeling back the layers to see what's at the core of me! And as I step closer... there is anxiety. What am I anxious about exactly? the details are not finely in view yet, but I'll see through this process, especially within self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for food at work and elsewhere when talking to other people as a point of dealing with anxiety coming up within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as a distraction from anxiety I experience when talking to other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must eat food in moments when I'm feeling anxious as a way to deal with this anxiety instead of realizing I can be in the moment, vulnerable and without a need to distract myself and understand what it is I am experiencing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get to know this anxiety within me that has been for years triggering behavior of coping and dealing with this with food, stuffing it down deeper instead of understanding where it comes from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious around other people - to think and believe I must feel nervous and uncertain instead of realizing in moments with others I still have me, and I am still here and a few good breaths and bringing myself back to myself can ground me in the moment to further understand what I am exactly anxious about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for years, cover up and distract myself from what I truly feel in moments, so that I can better understand myself and stand in full awareness of myself, wherein I have the power the change and direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food, like cigarettes, as a crutch for my experience where it's like I'm walking with a limb and I need help and support to stand upright, and so food is what I lean on for support, because there is a weakness in me I am not strong enough yet within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this weakness within me wherein I think I shouldn't have a crutch and I should be able to stand on my own two feet instead of living patience within myself wherein I understand that there was a moment of trauma or instability in my environment or within me that caused this discord and weakness and that it' not bad or something I should be ashamed of or deny or think I have to quickly fix but instead give myself the proper time to heal, through forgiveness, and to gently push myself to learn how to stand up and on my own two feet without the need of a crutch

When and as I see myself reaching for food when I'm talking to others on the phone or in person, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that who I am in that moment is anxious and that I am reaching for food to distract myself from that anxiousness and to deal with/lean on that food to be a point of support and so I commit myself to realize that I am enough of a support for myself now to in such moments, stop and breathe, and give myself a moment to be with myself, to ground me in that moment, and to stop myself from reaching for that food.

I commit myself to learn how to live without a crutch

I commit myself to understand why it is I've come to lean on a crutch, such as food, to better understand myself and better see a solution to let go of the crutch

I commit myself to stop judgments towards myself for the crutch I might need, as a point of support for the weakness in me, and instead be patient with myself, but to finally and once and for all, walk myself into the slow but sure process of strengthening my ability to stand on my own two feet

I commit myself to keep investigating this point within myself to get to know me and what it is I am actually living as who I am



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 08 Jul 2019, 06:00

663: Resistance, Complacency, and Fear of Failure

Another blog about resistance... I swear resistances have become the story of my life. My approach recently has been to 'wait it out' instead of being more direct in understanding WHAT exactly I am resisting and why. And so, some forgiveness to get myself moving through the resistance instead of just waiting on the sidelines:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a resistance towards my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I resist doing certain things because those things are beyond my comfort zone - they make me challenge my insecurities and self-doubts and self-definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to just let my resistance to life 'play out' and that eventually, I will 'feel' like doing something again instead of realizing that despite how I feel, I must act - that is me truly transcending

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to act in spite of my resistance

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get to know a understand WHY I am resisting what I am resistance - as deconstructing the nature of my experience instead of accepting it as resistance and waiting patiently to pass

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent within resistance where I sit and wait for it to pass instead of being more proactive to uncover what is causing it as the root of my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing certain things because I fear I will fail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because I think and believe if I fail at what I will attempt to do, everyone will see it and know it and judge me for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me for failing instead of embracing myself for even trying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what other people think instead of honoring myself enough to even try

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my valuing what others think more than my own life, exist in a complacent state of waiting for this resistance to work itself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define failure as that which will destroy me and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to redefine failure as a practical reference for something not working out where it becomes an opportunity to try something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in the problem as a failure instead of sticking to the solution as a way to move myself forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suspend myself in life, wherein I sit in a state of waiting, because I fear moving forward in things like I'd like to do because I fear it won't work out, that I will make a fool of myself, and others will see this as well instead of realizing I have only this one life and I will be full of more regret if I do not ACT now and instead allow fear to freeze me

When and as I see myself resisting doing certain things I'd actually like to do or I see would be cool to do, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that it's my responsibility to understand the nature of why I am resisting doing something in life and to change my relationship to that thing so I no longer resist it and so I commit myself to see the opportunities within resistances as an indicator of where I can redefine myself and my relationship to things in life so that I can more effectively move through life, one step at a time and not getting caught at walls of resistances

When and as I see myself fearing to fail, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that part of my resistance is due to how I've defined fear with a negative energy within it and that I can change how I define it to be of something that is of value and a practical service to me as letting me know there's another way for me to go and so I commit myself to not fear failure but rather walk moment to moment with the trust that I will be shown the way to go, and I will direct myself within principles that are best for me



User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1706
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 15 Oct 2019, 02:01

664: Update on Me and Realizations from Inner Views

Hi all!

I know - it's been a few months since I last published a blog. I have some blogs waiting in the wings, I just had not gotten around to publishing until now. That being said, there is a lag in the subject matter so bare with me for a moment. I will do my best to get those waiting on the sidelines up and out and to continue publishing more 'present' subject matter in the near future.

The reason there is such a delay between writing and publishing is that I have taken on some new projects for myself... doing lots more vlogs (which you can see HERE) and editing takes WAY more time than I ever consider. Also, I'm back in school. Just 1 course per semester but still... between that and a full-time job, it takes up most of my weekday evenings and some of my weekends.

I am patient so you will have to be too. And so without further delay here is the first blog written in regards to Inner Views, the kickstart to getting me back into vlogging...

*********************************************************************************

Since starting the Inner Views project, and especially spending so much time editing the recordings and preparing them to be published, I am getting a lot of intimate time with the discussions and reflecting specifically on me, my words, and who I was in those moments as I recall them.

One thing that stands out as a point for me to become more aware of is, well there is actually two:

1. It's not about what is right or wrong - it's about who you are, and your starting point for doing things.

The first point is seeing how much I still saw a morality about what is right and what is wrong influencing me and what I was expressing. I had a very black and white definition of things where doing something is either right or wrong instead of considering where one is coming from.

So for instance in the IV1 - Communication recording - I start out saying very clearing what communication is not to me - and how it can be something different and that ultimately we all have it wrong and we have to do it right. I realized quickly that there are many ways to express yourself and many ways in which people learn to communicate and so it's not about defining one way of communicating as better or worse than another but rather having an understanding of WHY one communicates the way that they do and how it can become more effective. So a judgment of 'that is right' or 'that is wrong' becomes irrelevant.

2. There is more to the story... there are multiple dimensions to one person's experience, so many factors and things to consider that contribute to a single moment of someone's life and who they are and how they experience themselves. I had the tendency to sum things up in a very limited view.

The second point kind of comes through the first one as well, but that there is WAY MORE to a story then we realize. I have a tendency, again, to view something very black and white and not considering all the other colors of the rainbow and so realizing the responsibility I have to actually get to know the backstories of people lives is vital before jumping to conclusions about how to support someone or how to approach something.

I was quite humbled throughout the editing process of Inner Views because I got to hear again the discussions that took place months before and the dimensions I could see were so much more than in the moment of discussion. It's like stepping away from something and then coming back to it and seeing a whole new angle to it. And I was humbled in seeing there is still, even after YEARS of realizing it, again seeing how much there is still to learn. I don't know it all and I am in a constant state of learning and if I can open myself enough to be willing to learn than I am opening myself to constantly growing because as soon as I think I know it all, or I have the right idea, or that I know the one and only way... I am shutting myself off from a greater reality, and more possible potentials.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see things so black and white and either this way or that way, right or wrong, instead of realizing the vastness of the colors as dimensions there are to things that's what actually matters in terms of creating an outcome of our actions is who we are... the starting point, the reason WHY we think/say/do what we think/say do...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define actions through the morality of right and wrong as somethings are okay to do and others are not instead of realizing what matters is the reason behind ALL things - and that reason we give it and that reason is what determines the purpose and outcome

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ensure I am clear in my reasons of living - for each moment of each thought, word, and deed to ensure I am creating a life, not based on morality as a right or wrong, as a judgment of what is good or bad, but rather based on principles of self-honesty and self-integrity as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and act on thoughts of morality where I think some things are okay and others are not instead of realizing WHY things are the way they are and seeing the starting point and story behind each action as a reason for its existence to thus be able to determine if it's best for all as the actual assessment to be made, not the judgments based on a limited morality of reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a judge of things as defining it as right or wrong, good or bad, instead of realizing the reason for things being the way that they are as an actual point of responsibility where I investigate WHY certain things exist the way they do instead of just shunning something as bad/wrong and thus cutting myself off from the reality of our world and the understanding of what actually exists here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how much more to the story there is as the reason things are the way they are and that judging something/someone is good or bad is a disservice to seeing/understanding and getting to know what is here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to open myself up to understanding the story behind the actions, and behind the words as realizing we often only ever see what people want to show us, or can't help but show us, as the tip of an iceberg and what actually exists is massive under the surface and so I forgive myself for not realizing how much more there is to each person and to each thing in existence as each point has a story, a timeline of events, how it was influenced and shaped and who and what contributed to it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be willing to put in the work to get to know the real story of everyone and everything instead of just assuming knowing anything based on my own limited ideas as I see, realize, and understand that my perception is limited when based on a morality of right and wrong and black and white

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself and so expanding myself within the realization and understanding there is much I do not know and I am constantly in a state of learning and that's exactly where I want to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define learning as being inadequate

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be okay with not knowing something and to be willing to ask for help and support and to ask questions to create a better understanding

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to encourage others to ask questions by thinking and believing everyone should no better all the time and that if they don't know basic common sense than they are somehow less than instead of realizing we are all having to walk backwards to a time where we existed without self-definitions, beliefs and ideas, when we were always learning and open and embracing the world around us - ready to learn and engaged in getting to know and expand our abilities and skills

When and as I see myself existing in judgments of right or wrong or good or bad, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a limited perception of reality and that in allowing this, I am cutting myself off from what below the surface as the massive iceberg under the water and so commit myself to push myself to consider not just the black and white as the wrong and right and to instead realizing it's about who we are and WHY we are and that's what matters as the actions we take the words we speak

When and as I see myself assuming to know someone's story or knowing the solution to some problem, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I have proven to myself over and over again that I am more served by being open and humble to know more than what I think I know instead of assuming to have all the answers and so I commit myself to remain curious about what is here as our reality and to get to know all dimensions and angles, and perspectives that shape our world and reality so that I can know it for real and learn from the many experiences of the billions of people on earth.

I commit myself to be open to learning

I commit myself to be open to knowing more

I commit myself to be humble in my openness to learning.




Return to “7 Years Journey to Life”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests

cron