Viktor's 7 year Journey to Life

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viktor
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Re: Viktor's 7 year Journey to Life

Postby viktor » 26 Dec 2018, 20:21

Day 397: Romanticism Fucked Up Love
https://dreamersjourneytolife.wordpress ... d-up-love/

Romanticism Fucked Up Love – it sounds pretty bold – however – it is true. For context I recommend listening to Alain de Bottons lectures on love, romanticism and sex – they are available on Youtube.

Love is actually a modern concept. It was birthed somewhere around the 18th century along with the ideas of romanticism and it came to impact the way we had up until that point understood marriage and relationships. Before love, marriage was an act of reason. We married a person on the basis of their wealth, family lineage, their skills, and compatibility. What was of main importance was the survival of ourselves and our genetic pedigree – love in the sense of finding our ultimate partner to satisfy our romantic needs – that did not exist. Marriage was a practical institution that granted stability, status and security.

Then love came about – and was forced unto the institution of marriage, naturally causing a lot of conflict. Suddenly, our life partner was not only supposed to stable, wealthy, bring security and be otherwise compatible – he or she was also supposed to make us feel whole, loved, excited, be good in bed, be mysterious, passionate, and fulfill our dreams and desires in all possible ways. It is pretty obvious to me that expecting such a range of experiences to be evoked by only one person is pretty unrealistic – especially considering that most of us are deeply flawed as persons and for the most part incapable of even fulfilling ourselves.

Today we still live in the remnants of the mentioned love/romanticism endemic – and our relationships are as a result more volatile than any time ever before. And my theory as to why is because we have been fed with completely unrealistic expectations as to what a marriage is and how and what our partner should be. The first mistake we make is that we believe that our partner will be able to fulfill our emotional needs and forever make us feel whole, content and satisfied. It will not happen. All of us are flawed – without extensive self-work we are not able to give anyone that deep and unconditional embrace that we expect to find in relationships. And still – that is an expectation we hold unto and walk into a marriage with. It is bound to bring problems.

Another problem is that marriages has become about self-realization. We want to realize ourselves – and our partner has become a form of product that we purchase because we feel pretty confident he or she will able to bring us those experiences. Marriage and relationships have as such become a form of consumerism. We want to consume an experience. The daily reality of practical survival – which will show its nasty face when the honeymoon-phase has come to its close – that is not considered in the initial decision – and is many times considered secondary to that which we call love – even though it is far more important practically speaking.

A more realistic starting point for a marriage instead of love and the hope for perfection is that our partner is an idiot. Not a idiot in the sense of someone that is deliberately mean and hurtful. Rather an idiot in the sense of somebody that just does not get it. He or she is simply a bit retarded, stupid, dumb. And we all know that we hold such a condition of being a idiot – in some area of our life – we might try to hide that we are flawed, weak and stupid – however our lifelong partner is bound to find out at some point. And when we do find out – it is important not to judge the flaw. Try instead to look at the person as if they are a child. Would we ever judge a toddler because of their weaknesses? No – we would look a what is causing their weakness and help them to strengthen that part of themselves.

Thus – our question should not be ‘Have I married the wrong person?’ – it should be ‘What is wrong with the person I married, and, how can I help them and myself to fix it?’. Hence – we will never marry or enter into a relationship with the ‘right person’. There is no such thing. What we can do is marry a ‘good enough person’ and then build on the relationship – support our partner and ourselves to develop the qualities and experiences we want to have. That is possible. It takes hard work and it is not remotely romantic – however it is rewarding because at some stage the changes are going to come through – and the relationship will be a lot stronger compared to if everything just worked out pretty okay from the beginning.

The way I see it – the future of love is to be found in self-created relationships. When we realize that there is no prince charming and no princess either – then we can step into our real potential and start creating the experiences we want instead of waiting for them to show up at our door step.



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viktor
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Re: Viktor's 7 year Journey to Life

Postby viktor » 19 Jan 2019, 23:09

Day 400: Helping Out
https://dreamersjourneytolife.wordpress ... lping-out/

This week I have been focusing on pushing through points of laziness/apathy in a particular set of situations – more specifically when I am asked to do something in a moment when I am not prepared to do it, or when I am busy and feel like I am interrupted. In such moments I have a tendency to react in resistance and exclaim that I do not have time, that I am busy with something else, or that I am too tired.

Pushing through these moments of resistance is a matter of real-time action – the moment when I get the question – that is when I have to be ready to move. It is not something that can be thought-up – I have to push and live the change physically in that moment. And for me – a big point of motivation has been that I do want to be of help and assistance to my family – and I want to be a part of creating a supportive environment that is best for all. And obviously – I would have wanted that another helped me if I asked – and thus I see it as common sense that I do what would I have wanted for others as well.

The challenge has been to physically push through – because that requires firm decisive action – and it requires giving up my self-interest – which is the hard part. Because it might sound rewarding, joyous and fulfilling to care for, tend to, and treat others the way you would like to be treated – however – it oftentimes means that you put your own needs last. It definitely requires discipline – and my modus operandi thus far is to simply do what I want to do – which in many cases is to not help out. The moments when I am successful and I manage to push – usually it is because I do not give myself the time to ‘feel’ whether I want to help out or not – I simply do it – I act in the moment without making it more or less.

I suspect that part of the reason as to why I sometimes react to being asked if I can help out or be of assistance is because these aspects of life were pretty traumatic in my childhood. Firstly – household tasks and responsibilities was by my parents on a overall basis approached with anger, irritation, frustration, stress and anxiety. It was never seen as enjoyable to clean or do some other chore – and the results were inspected with a detailed focus on potential mistakes. Thus when I was approached by my parents to assist and support with something in the household, it was usually done from a starting point of anger and blame – where I was accused of not helping sufficiently in the household and that I had to do more. Unfortunately this have caused me to develop resistance towards helping out especially in the household and helping out in general – and I am pretty sure I am not alone with having such experiences.

Part of the solution that I see is thus to change my relationship with cleaning, household chores, helping out and being of assistance – and instead of associating it with negative experiences – see, realize and understand that these points are actually of great support – and that I can approach them with gratefulness. For example – cleaning – instead of becoming stressed by it and feeling as if it is a waste of time – I can utilize it as a moment of interacting/checking up on all the various parts of my house. I approach cleaning my car similarly. It is an opportunity for me to show appreciation for the support my car provides – and also to tend to it properly and make sure it is supported in the best way.

Thus – moving back to the original problem – which is to push through points of laziness/apathy in a particular set of situation. I see, realize and understand that a solution is to place my focus and attention on the positive and beneficial outflows that I will create by pushing through – and understanding that by moving through my resistance – I will assist and support with bringing through a environment that is best for all – and hence – best for me as well. As such – I will not place attention on the emotions – rather I release them with a quick self-forgiveness statement – and then place my focus on CREATING an environment and life that is BEST – which among other things is done by assisting and supporting in taking care of household tasks – and in general – helping out when such is required. And here also understanding that when I do push myself to help out and assist and support – this will in turn impact me positively – because if my environment is healthy – then I am healthy.



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viktor
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Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 20:50

Re: Viktor's 7 year Journey to Life

Postby viktor » 14 Feb 2019, 07:42

Day 402: Consequences of being a miser
https://dreamersjourneytolife.wordpress ... g-a-miser/

I have lately been working with anxiety/fear in relation to money. This time the fear came up in relation to the house my partner and I have built – because we have started noticing a couple of mistakes. They are not serious errors. However they will cost a bit of money to fix – and some of them might potentially be harmful for the house in a long-term context. It was the latter kind of mistake that triggered my anxiety.

Primarily the anxiety I experience is a fear of losing money/financial assets – which would be the case if I would have to make a big reparation on the house in the future. Another part of the experience is that I feel stupid, and that I judge myself, because I think that I should have been able to see this coming and prevented it. Thus – experience is a combination of on the one hand fear, and on the other hand self-judgment. On top of, or on the side of this primary experience, exists resentment/judgment towards the contractor that we hired. I feel betrayed and disrespected.

There is a myriad of experiences – and this tends to happen when some part of the physical structure in my life is harmed or collapses. It is one of my weak spots. In writing about this point I have realized a couple of things. I have understood that I cannot judge myself for the mistakes I did in the past – it is of no use and will not lead anywhere – and apart from that I was not even able to understand the problems and issues back when the house was built. I have also realized that value of connecting to people that I see have integrity and backbone – and be more careful about who I select and decide upon to come into my life. Further – I have seen that I have to be more decisive and strict when it comes to following through on what I see is common sense – and dare to stand by what I see – and not be comforted by others who are less interested in wanting things to be the best.

I have also understood that when it comes to services, you get what you pay for. And that it is stupid to pay less in the belief that you get more. When it comes to big investments that are supposed to be used for a long time – it is worth to spend a lot of money to make sure you get an effective result. It is better to save money by not spending them on things that I do not need – and then – using the money – and the required amount of it – on the things that I need – rather than compromising the purchases of things that I do need.

Thus – here comes self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a miser when it comes to purchasing things that I need and require to live a functional and effective life – and believe that I can save money and still get effective quality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am going to have to face the consequences of my decisions later on by accepting and allowing myself to compromise, and not buy, purchase, the kind of quality I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of investing money in quality – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I will have great use of this quality, and that it will support me, and enhance my life, and that this is why I have money to begin with – if I only pile my money and save them up for a rainy day, I will not be able to create and effective and functional life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making mistakes when it comes to money, and judge myself for having to spend money on correcting mistakes and errors, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, instead of forgiving myself for my past errors and moving on and creating my life with the understandings I have acquired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that acquiring good products and services requires money, that creating things that I want in this world requires money, that nothing is for free – and that I have been duped into thinking that I can make a great deal – because there is always the fine print – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to educate myself when it comes to using and investing money – to not accept and allow myself to exist within and as a state of fear and anxiety – but to rather be rational, cool, level-headed and act with the base understanding that I will get what I pay for

I commit myself to use my money without fear and anxiety, without wanting to save in the belief that I will get more out of the purchase – and thus I commit myself to use my money to enhance and empower myself and to create a better life for myself and others.

I commit myself to not judge myself for the mistakes I have made with money – and I see, realize and understand that the only way to learn is by allowing myself to try, to test out, and to use money, to buy things, and to see what the consequences are, like I have done in this case – and then change myself when I see that my way of creating does not have the outflow of what is best for everyone involved.

I commit myself to educate myself when it comes to money and learn to use it in a way that is best for all and that fosters the creation of a world that I want to see – and dare to invest and spend money in things that I see are best – and understanding that spending money is not the same as wasting money – because I will get something in return when I make an investment




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