Day 2: Self Consciousness as Ego System
I went to this cafe to have a piece of cake, and an acquaintance of mine was sitting there with his kids, they had just ordered something to eat. So I said hello and we praised the place for the good quality food they make and so we chit-chatted for a moment and then his phone rang so I took the opportunity to take out my writing pad and focus on that.
I realized that I would have had a difficulty to ‘end’ the chatting, thinking and believing that it is awkward to stop or end a discussion because what would the others think of me... Another thing I noticed is that, after I had my piece of cake and wished them a nice day and took off, I had this awkward feeling as if thinking and believing that this guy must have found me ‘weird’. All the while it was I that had the perception of 'being weird'!
This then reminded me of something my partner said to me some days ago: that it seems I am convinced that people don’t like me, that nobody likes me – and this may sound trivial and banal, which it is, however it is a point that seems to undermine my whole self-experience. It’s this self-consciousness that is somehow programmed to believe that it’s not fitting anywhere, that everyone is always evil, that people always want bad things or think bad things about ‘me’.
Another point my partner said to me is that I tend to ‘bite’ on one point as if there was nothing else and that I seem to have difficulty forgiving myself. Because, when he for instance will share something he sees about me and I acknowledge the point: instead of immediately forgiving myself, letting go and moving on into a solution-application emerging from the realization/acknowledgement, I tend to feel ‘bad’ about myself and go into self-judgment and self-annihilation based on just that one single point.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use self-judgment as self-sabotage, instead of realizing that this is a tactic of the mind as self-consciousness, designed to preserve itself and have me remain its slave.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved in the limitations of the mind, instead of utilizing and applying the common sense that: since I see and realize what I’ve been doing and existing as – I am able to stop and re-direct myself into effective and supportive living.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant self-judgment, compromising the windows of opportunity as realizations that open up in a moment, where I could instead take the opportunity and walk through the window of change to actually, practically change myself and stop all that which is limiting and compromising my ability to express and direct myself effectively, supporting myself as life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to that one point of perception, probably coming from early childhood experiences, that “nobody likes me” – and within that to live my life from the starting-point of being liked and desiring acceptance/validation from something outside of me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to give that acceptance to myself, as I am here, and acknowledge my value as life, to live self-worth as who I am, rather than waiting for others to give me self-worth and value.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth, instead of living the practical application of accepting myself and establishing self-worth through consistent practical-living of self-honesty aligned with what’s best for life, for all, as equals.
All this is also reminds me of an experience that is repeating in my life, wherein – when I find myself in groups of people, there will always come the point where I’ll want to remove myself because I feel ‘I don’t belong’, I feel I am ‘not included’ or ‘not equal’ to everyone else.
Yet it is ME that is creating/accepting/reiterating this perception. There is definitely a point in time during such moments, when a thought will come up, or a judgment will come up, or even a feeling/emotion will come up: and once I accept that thought, judgment or feeling as ‘real’, as ‘true’, the whole construct of “I don’t belong” will manifest as an experience to ‘justify’ why I feel inferior, why I feel weird, awkward and unloved.
All the while it is I that is perceiving ‘me’ as weird, awkward, unloved. It is I that is unloving.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to slow down so as to observe and recognize the thoughts, feelings/emotions or judgments that come up to literally form the perception of ‘not being liked’ – because if I were to recognize those components, I’d be able to stop.
I realize that my self-experience, as everyone’s self-experience, is based on polarity judgments and definitions we adopt, accept and allow within self, from which perceptions equate which we then tend to accept as ‘real’, as ‘the truth’.
I realize that the way I experience myself lies within my responsibility. I am responsible for what I accept and allow within myself, I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my mind, and I no longer accept and allow the conditioned patterns of thoughts and emotions that automatically come-up when triggered through systematically-programmed situations to influence who I am.
When and as I see myself going into the perception of “I am not liked” or “I don’t belong”, I stop – I breathe, and I remind myself that this is a conditioned perceptual pattern that is being activated and that I do not have to accept that as ‘real’, I do not have to allow such pattern to define and determine who I am and how I experience myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-consciousness in separation, where all that matters is how I feel and how I am perceived by my world – which is a matter of value, and value in this world has been defined within polarity, where some are ‘more’ and others are ‘less’, while the money-system we’ve accepted even perpetuates such consciousness through competition, comparison and survival-fear; whereby we completely disregard the value of life: the breath of life that is equal in all living things.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to accept and value myself as life, as equal, as one with all that is here.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that self-consciousness exists always from a starting-point of fear, in the perception of lack and the desire of ‘more’, while it exists in separation from life and feeds off of life to preserve itself as the idea and perception that it is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that – even though such self-consciousness is not actually real, it is what we’ve made ourselves real as and based on the image and likeness of that, we manifested the world as we know it. Therefore to change the world into a place where all life is honoured and cared for, we have to change ourselves within.
We have to expand from self-consciousness in separation, from that point of ego that is only seeing itself in ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ charges of energy that activate based on patterns we integrated throughout our lives and keep repeating; to a living-application of life in awareness that regard and consider all life, and therefore also consider the implications and consequences of one’s existence, one’s role within the whole.
Because how can I expect the world to change, when the very patterns I exist within and as are the patterns that re-create this world as we know it and keep us trapped in mental/emotional polarities in separation from who we really are as life!
Looking back at the experience I describe above, I’ve never known it any other way. The creation of this self-consciousness must have occurred at a very young age, and no conscious memories exist of when such experience came up for the first time. Even when looking at old photographs of me in kindergarten, I see a girl that’s lost, confused, uncertain of what it is she’s doing here or why it is she feels the way she does.
In my family, we did not have actual communication in terms of sharing how one feels, sharing how one experience oneself or what one is actually going through in one’s inner world. I never learned to share myself, I never learned to ask how others experience themselves, and so also at school I did not have close friends to whom I would confide and share myself. This sharing only started within the context of relationships/sexual relationships much later, but had the consequence that I’d use my relationships with males to search for that point of ‘family’, that point of ‘home’, that point of intimacy and communication, however this was done in separation from the rest of the world, in fact in separation from myself, and therefore I would tend to create bubbles of relationships wherein I would try and feel safe and secure and ‘at home’, while in fact I was polarizing myself further more. And I would try and get that feeling of ‘belonging’ and ‘acceptance’ from such relationships, which resulted to such relationships being of self-interest, wherein I was in fact only trying to ‘comfort’ my self-consciousness, instead of actually living, expanding, and forgiving myself, changing for real and supporting others to break the self-imprisonment, as many people actually have a similar experience to mine, wherein they’ll feel like ‘the odd one out’, ‘unloved’, ‘misunderstood’, ‘invalidated’ through society and the world, all based in patterns of early childhood, as our parents were helpless creatures subjected to a cruel world of survival, where if you don’t play by the rules you are doomed to lose, to be cast out, to fail and be an outcast in this world.
And so we are taught the rules of the game, and we become the rules of the game in a way that our very existence re-creates and perpetuates the very system we are all victim to.
So – we have to realize one thing:
no matter how badly we suffer within, as long as we have flushing toilets, money in our pocket, internet and phone devices, we are the elite in this world. We are the ones, the only ones, that are in a position to make an actual difference in this world and to work on redefining the rules of the game in a way that will end the polarization of life once and for all; in a way that will dignify not only our own existence, but that of our children and all the children to come, so that no single being has to suffer poverty, starvation, famine, war.
We have to realize:
the world we see ‘out there’ is the direct reflection of what we all accept and allow to exist within, in the secret chambers of our mind, while we exist as self-consciousness only, a self-consciousness that exists in separation and has lost any and all connection to life – life: that is all as one as equals.
So, even though we may be walking through the manifested consequences of ourselves as we walk this process, and as such consequences are never beautiful, such consequences never ‘feel good’ – we have to remember that it is no solution to swing to the opposite-polarity and wallow in guilt, remorse, regret and depression about what and who we have become. No.
This is where self-forgiveness comes in, to let go of any reaction we are having TOWARD reality, realize that what we are facing is ourselves, it is what it is and the best we can do is learn from it.
LEARN from it for real, so that we stop repeating the patterns of the past, the past that has created the present that is an atrocity for all as we can see everywhere in this world – and start walking the transformation of ourselves and our relationships through self-corrective practical-living, establishing patterns of dignity, equality and respect for life – for ourselves, each-other and the whole world.
And yes, it will take a while, because what we are now and what we have now as this world, this reality, took many breaths of repetition and reiteration to be established. And we can see that what we have established as this world system and as ourselves is not best for life. Therefore it is to investigate the patterns of ourselves as we participate in our world, and start changing the patterns as ourselves into something that is truly worthy of life, something that we wouldn’t mind existing as eternally.
Because really – Would you like to continue existing forever the way you are now in the world as it is currently? I am certain no living thing would wish that upon oneself or anyone else. Therefore, common sense: it is time to change and recreate ourselves and this world in a way that we can be truly proud of our existence, within and without.
The solution I see to self-consciousness is an interesting one. If one investigate in self-honesty, one will realize that self-consciousness exists within and as self-interest. The question it asks is always “What am I getting?”
Regardless whether what one is “getting” is ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ – that point of self-consciousness will make it always about ‘winning’, getting ‘more’, like a vampire sucking the life out of everything and everyone in its way, just to thrive on the energy of ‘being this’ or ‘being that’ or ‘being better’ and ‘more’.
So the solution to this, while we exist as self-consciousness, is an interesting one: it is to start GIVING. Reversing the question of “what can I get?” to the question “what can I give”. And within that starting-point, whole new perspectives open up and suddenly one will realize that it is irrelevant how I ‘feel’ within myself about myself, because I am no longer defining myself as ‘lacking’ and ‘needing’, no longer approaching life from the starting-point of “what can I get”, but I am now opening myself up here and I realize that I can GIVE.
First of all I give me to me – that is the process of self forGIVEness. I give me the love that I’ve always searched for in another; I give me the acceptance I’ve always yearned for from others; I give me the value that I’ve always expected others to show me I have. And within the starting-point of “what can I give”, suddenly the experience of lack and need disappears, because it was never real. Suddenly I realize I am here, therefore I can give. So every moment and every being I meet, I am the giver.
And within this application, and while I stop the backchat in the mind that’s trying to tell me things like “but you feel inferior” or “but what will others think” or “but you need this or that”... the self-consciousness that we are starts to transform into a life-awareness, aligned to what is best for all.
And as we walk from a starting-point of equality and oneness, this self-consciousness we’ve been merges and amalgamates with everything and everyone we meet, and the invisible boarders of ourselves start diffusing, and diffusing, and diffusing, until no consciousness remain: until no backchat comes up to whisper things in our head, until no fear comes up to try and justify why we exist in separation and defense-mechanisms, until all that remains is ‘I’, an I that is ‘nothing’ and yet sees everything and embrace everything as self, as one, as equal.
From here we can then start practically redefining our existence, we can start determining how we want to live and co-exist in practical ways that will regard and consider every living thing equally and will bring forth a living reality that will be best for all. Because when I give me what is best for life, and I start giving what is best for life to everyone and every thing I come across – the world starts changing because I am changing. The world starts seeing and considering what is best for all because I am seeing and considering what is best for all.
So that is the process we are walking from self-consciousness as ego to self-awareness as life. From an Ego-system to an actual Eco-system that places life as the highest value, and therefore applies oneness and equality in all possible ways.