Bella's Journey to Life

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Bella
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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

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Bella's Journey to Life Day 7: Self-Sabotage - The Mind will Divide and Conquer until I Stop the Separation


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in complete mistrust of myself and others through constantly being busy in my mind with questioning reality in a way to 'validate' and 'prove right' the personality-backchat in the mind that I have come to realize is set out to 'prove' me a loser, a failure, not worthy of forgiveness, not worthy of love.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt anyone that express affection to me, just to 'prove' within my mind that I am not worthy of affection - when in fact it is I that is not giving me the affection minimum of allowing myself to forgive myself, allowing myself to be 'liked', allowing myself to take some credit, allowing myself to be worthy, allowing myself to accept myself, allowing myself to TRUST.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to through the mind always try and find points that would 'support' my feeling of mistrust, to not have to accept and receive the trust that is being offered to me by another, because apparently I have to validate my mind in thinking and believing that nothing and no one can be trusted and that people always let you down.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of my parents as letting me down, and to from this one point walk my life through and as the projected memory and thus the fear of: being let down;

at the same time existing in the desire to trust and be trusted, but never actually allowing myself to practically live that trust as who I am and how I live;

therefore within that I actually exist in constant fear and desire - the desire to trust and be trusted and the fear to be let down: a projected polarity of the mind based on that one point of memory, on which I have based the entire experience of myself, instead of letting go of the memory, forgiving my experience, forgiving myself and moving on to actually live and allow myself to trust reality in common sense without the backchat that is trying to 'prove' people evil and bad within my mind to justify my fear and limitation.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the mind is always only creating logic that is trying to prove and validate that which it 'knows', that which it identifies with, be it 'positive' or 'negative', because that is the self-consciousness program that has become alive through repetition and make-belief while the being that self really is becomes suppressed and dominated by a mind consciousness that feeds off the energetic effects produced and experienced within the physical, provided the being that I am follows the reactions and the belief that they are 'real'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that what I experience is 'real' only from the perspective that I make it real and it will be real as long as I accept it as such and as long as I give it permission to exist - but in fact that which I experience as reactions and thoughts and emotions is but the mind-set of a conditioned personality that I did not choose or decide to be, but became through 'the sins of the fathers' as the feedback and communication I was exposed to as a child of adults that understood themselves and the world not any better than I do.

I commit myself in letting go of all points I did not directively decide to be/become, and to re-design myself based on equality and oneness, self-dignity, self-respect, self-honesty and practical common sense as best for life;

to stop all self-sabotage, stop the mind-existence of ego as self-consciousness, and birth myself as life, as an equal and integer, accountable and trustworthy individual, as the directive principle of self, as who I really am as life.

I commit myself to removing the chains I keep myself chained onto, both within and without.

I commit myself to stopping myself from following the automated emotions, thoughts/backchat and behaviors that come up within me - because I realize that the purpose of such secret-mind components is to 'validate', 'justify' and 'prove right' the personalities of mind I have become throughout my life in this world system, whereby I myself have become a system, a system based on wants, needs and desires that are not even my own but were impulsed onto me by my environment, and so I have come to consume life instead of living life, to consume myself instead of living myself, to consume others instead of LOVING others as my neighbor - as Jesus suggested 2000 years ego.

I commit myself to loving myself enough to stop every moment I see myself going into a reaction / thought / emotion that is trying to tell me that I am not getting enough, that I need more, that I cannot trust this or that person because they will let me down, that this or that person do not really like me otherwise they would do this and that... -
and I commit myself to stopping the controls of the backchat that is trying to 'have its way' and 'prove' to me that I am a failure, unworthy, unloved.

I commit myself to not letting myself down - realizing that this whole point reflected through my mind is showing me: myself -

and therefore I commit to living and applying self-trust through stopping the backchat in every breath;
and I commit to living and applying self-worth by not letting myself down.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let myself down every time I follow the mind of beliefs, thoughts, emotions and all kinds of automated reactions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self-sabotage and ultimately self-destruction -- where I have become my mind by following the mind yet inside me there is also this being, me, that is oppressed and limited by the mind, and thus I exist in constant inner conflict and mistrust, which is then reflected back to me within my world /my reality for me to see me and Stop.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect others to show me I am worthy by 'not letting me down' while I within myself have accepted myself as unworthy and thus have let myself down.

I forgive myself for expecting from others that which I do not give to myself: acceptance, worth, love.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to give to myself acceptance, to give to myself worth, to give to myself love.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from worth and from acceptance through creating conclusions and self-definitions out of childhood experiences and then existing in an attempt to 'prove me right' - because if I am 'right' then I will be able to blame others as for instance my parents, my childhood, the world, for being who I am and experiencing myself the way I do.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that only I can give myself self-worth as life; only I can give myself self-acceptance as life; and that I cannot expect from others that which I am not willing to GIVE myself - again a Jesus message from eons of time ago.

I commit myself to stopping the backchat as it is only limiting me to an existence of isolation, self-loathing and spitefulness.

I commit myself to stopping all blame that I project onto others.

I commit myself to stopping self-judgment and all judgment for that matter - to see things for what they are in self-clarity and practical common sense.

I commit myself to stopping my expectations for my desires to be fulfilled by others - and to fulfilling my desires for life as myself: through giving me back to me and standing up to live self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love in the way that I would like to receive it, so that I am also able to give it to others equally and unconditionally.

I commit myself to allowing myself to receive what is given to me by others as a gift of life, be it unconditional sharing, time shared together, feedback or support.

I commit myself to stopping myself from existing in a capitalist, consumerist state of mind wherein I 'measure' everything that is given to me to find it 'unworthy' just because I see myself as 'unworthy'. I stop myself from going into debt within myself and causing the death of life, and I instead choose the death of the lie, the death of the mental possession, the death of the separation, the death of ego as self-consciousness - to birth myself as life, as directive principle, as a self-willed equal, as an expression of real love and compassion, as an expression of self-dignity and respect for life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to respect myself as life - only because I've been following the mind and the therein accepted definitions, ideas and judgments - based in comparison and fake values sold to us by the system, instead of accepting and honoring ourselves and each-other as the value of life.

I commit myself to being the giver - both for myself and others.
I commit myself to giving that which I would like to receive.
I commit myself to living that which I would like to receive.

I commit myself to stopping self-pity, self-degradation and this whole loop of self-sabotage - realizing it's gonna take some time, but I will not stop until it's done and I am free from the accepted controls; until I break free from this self-imprisonment I have cast upon myself through the mind; until life as who I am is here as me, and I stand in self-dignity as the directive principle and the oneness of me as I am here, directing all my parts here as equals, united as one as I stand.



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Bella
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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

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Bella's Journey to Life Day 8: ANTI is PRO & Resistance is Futile | What we Resist will Persist


I have a friend whom I observed having strong reactions against system forces such as police and the like. What I noticed is a form of anger and hate come up whenever we come across such people in uniform. A couple of times already I had wanted to share my perspective and say that this approach is a form of judgment and blame, and that one has to investigate how these/such people came to be where they are now as well as investigate how the system creates people and what one's own role is within the whole pattern.

Well - firstly, I decided to look at the whole pattern for myself, to see why hate, anger or any reaction for that matter is a form of separation and a way of projecting blame and abdicating responsibility, as if these/such people are the representation of the system and we/one is not.

Looking at the whole world system, we can see that everything operates in polarities, and that it takes two to tango. Whereby this tango of the system is a dance based in fear, because the system 'educates' people and classes to fear each-other, to perceive each-other as threat and to boost their ego on the friction that is created through inequality and discrimination. If we take the example of police forces against protestors, both sides have a form of ego defined through the convictions and the perception that one's own 'side' is somehow better than the 'other side'. Instead of looking how to uplift everyone else to the value one is actually recognizing within oneself as being degraded by the way we live in this world - we are utilizing the same tactic of trying to take 'the opponent' down.

So here I'd like to look at how everything is part of the system and how it all -consciously or unconsciously- works together to maintain the one system. And fascinatingly enough it all 'works together' even within how people are 'working against each-other', because that is how we are actually proving that we are somehow unable to really, truly work together for what is best for all and therefore we apparently require a system to regulate our co-existence. So as long as we perceive ourselves as separate bubble-existences within the system and accept the 'survival of the fittest' to determine the future without taking the chance to utilize our intellect, compassion and common sense ("common sense wanted!"), the system can prevail as the directive-principle of life on earth, a principle that dictates the values of individuals and groups based on 'differences' in 'value' as 'money', supported by the holy trinity of consumerism, competition and fear/greed - because we ourselves do not acknowledge the equal value we all have as life.

The system is, as we see clearly in present day, based on profit: money is the profit/prophet of god/the system. In fact money as profit-creation IS god.




My friend once told me that...
Let me give some background information at this point so that we can have a better 'picture'. This friend comes from a background of punk and rebel culture and has experienced quite some harassment from state forces in the past, especially in revolutionary years around the 80s and 90s. So yes, it's only 'natural' that he has this anger and hate against the system and its uniformed forces that, granted, are often arrogant, violent and discriminating.

So he once shared with me that one day he went to take his son from school, and his son had a bruise on the face as he had fallen and hurt himself the day before. As they were approaching the school yard, two women saw them and asked my friend if he was beating his son. My friend in his surprise decided to pretend being a drunk and accordingly he gave a response to the two women. The story ends with the women sending the social services to his home to check up on the situation which could thankfully be resolved immediately, but that is not the point of the story.

The point I am seeing is, just like my friend reacts with anger and hate toward the state forces like police the moment the sight of them triggers his memory of his own experiences with such a point - the two women he came across may have had similarly bad experiences with drunken husbands or neighbors that would beat their children and therefore the sight of a 'punk' and a 'bruised child' immediately triggered the reaction of anger and hate and the above story took place.


We can also in such situations, and we should, ask ourselves the question "What is it about me that made such reaction/feedback to come up towards me? - Is there within this whole situation possibly a hint for me?"

Looking at my friend when he comes from work sometimes, where he works with several mostly male colleagues, I sometimes see a strong 'male side' meaning: that attitude of how men will boost themselves up when interacting with men. This 'man attitude' is so ingrained in most cultures that the pattern is like a universal attitude, and it is this attitude we can see for instance in rebels, anarchists, punks, (just to name a few 'revolutionary' groupings of people against the state) when they, together with (!) policemen or 'state forces' start 'getting into the dirt'. And it's really irrelevant 'who started the fire'. Because while in it, both 'sides' are driven equally by the same force of 'evil' and that is separation, from which is born fear, projection, blame, anger, hate.

And thus instead of that we LIVE, in equality, we struggle in survival within inequality - which is the opposite of life: EVIL.


So, in both cases / in both directions in the above example we see a generalization and projection of a 'label' onto a person, and we can see that in both situations the reaction is to 'take it personally' because in one's mind the definition does exist of a 'policeman' or a 'punk' or a 'drunk' and people are very quick to judge someone by appearances and place them into a category, concluding from that "who the person is".

Reacting towards a 'label' (whether when oneself is being labelled or when one perceive another through/as a label) and taking the point personally is an indication that within oneself there exist value-judgments about oneself and/or others in one's world and a certain unconscious acceptance of the 'label' (both in relation to 'self and in relation to 'others').

These value-judgments undermine our self-trust to such an extent, that we feel 'hurt' in 'our honor' whenever an external point questions our integrity or our benevolence, because somehow we always question others' integrity and benevolence too, thus we expect the same to be done unto us.

There exists no trust between equals of life; and we either place ourselves as 'superior' (which is mostly only when one have a kind of 'power' in this world as money, dominion, status) or we see ourselves as 'inferior', and out of this accepted 'inferiority' an anger is born, and the only way we know how to deal with that is by projecting a 'superior' image / personality, or by bullying others back and projecting war, whether acted-out as violence or charged within one's mind as blame, spitefulness, hate.


And so we can see how 'inferiority' and 'superiority' always exist together, creating an infinity cycle that is an actual trap. And fascinatingly enough, the way to break the cycle, the way out of the cycle: is equality.

We human beings have to truly actually understand what equality implies and entails. The whole Desteni research is demonstrating how equality and oneness is the directive principle of existence, in most peculiar ways, yet without doubt. It is obvious common sense and absolutely self-evident once one start seeing through the patterns of our existence.





I am not saying the situation is easy. I am saying however that we mostly do not consider that by sustaining and justifying such 'mental wars' within ourselves and our interactions with our world, we are in fact perpetuating the current system of separation, war industry and mistrust, in which we all play our part.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept a system that divides and conquers people through the separation of people in classes, groups and categories based in unequal value-judgments; wherein the highest value is placed in that which supports and works for the system to make sure the system is maintained, and not life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that even those people and groups that do not directly support or work for the system are equally part of the system, as they allow themselves to polarize themselves as 'against the system', not realizing that whatever we resist persists and that therefore the more resistance we force against the system, the stronger the system must get.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that anger and hate are projected reactions, whereby we project judgment and blame against everything in relation to which we've accepted ourselves as 'inferior', thinking and believing that our 'inferiority' and 'powerlessness' is to blame on others - when in fact it is ourselves that is accepting and allowing an experience of 'inferiority' and 'powerlessness' through the acceptance of inequality, value-judgments and separation within ourselves;

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see and realize that regardless of our status in the society system, we are all equally parts of the system that constitute the system, because if all would take responsibility for creating and manifesting a system that is best for all and supports all equally, we would not have to exist within a structure of inequality and limitation, within a system of reward and punishment and imposed 'scarcity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize a system of reward and punishment in my personal interactions with people (my own children, my neighbors, groupings such as 'the police' etc) - not realizing that by doing so I am in fact tacitly accepting and perpetuating the world system as we know it; a system that thrives through manipulating its people with reward and punishment tactics, within this also brainwashing people to accept certain value-judgments about themselves and the world, resulting into oblivion about the actual value of life - the value that equally inhabits all - so why is it not seen within our habits? Why are our habits the opposite of LIFE/LIVE which is EVIL?
...while the value that inhabits all bodies is equal as the air we breathe, the breath as substance we require to sustain our lives on this one planet we share. So why isn't it the same value that inhabits our minds?
Is everything in reverse?

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that by exerting blame and anger against the system I am actually only stating that I am a slave to the system, whereby I may try to see myself as not being part of the system but I'm somehow 'outside the system' or 'beyond' it - a belief I create because I hate the system for what I see it does to people, yet I do not stand up to support common sense as the end of separation, the end of inequality, the end of all abuse once and for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize the very tactics and methods of the very system I hate in an attempt to find 'justice' for myself - instead of realizing that no justice can ever exist in a system of polarity, a system of inequality, a system where for some to 'win' others must 'lose'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that everyone is a product of their environment and that the choices we make in this world are based in fear of survival - and that many have to compromise themselves and their values of life in order to sustain their families; and that to change this, we must change the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label and categorize people based on their job, their status, their position in the system - never questioning that I may have done the same had I been in their shoes.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the brainwashing we are subjected to through the 'education' we receive within the system is forming people into 'soldiers of self-interest' in a system where one has to fight against others to survive, a system where one has to 'prove' one's value in order to be supported in the system, even if the ways through which we 'prove' our value are harmful to life/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a system in which we are forced to 'prove' our value and 'earn our right to life' - and that I have accepted this system as if there is no other way, instead of standing up to expose the manipulation (man.I.pull.ate) that rules the world and the lack of common sense in our habits.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as 'powerless' and 'inferior' in this world, not realizing that this accepted powerlessness and inferiority is only the result of consumerism and competition as a 'way of life' as taught through brainwashing as 'education'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that through revolting and protesting 'against' those whom I perceive as 'powerful' or 'superior' - I am only stating that I wish to be in a 'powerful' and 'superior' position myself (and how often do we do that: elevating ourselves in the mind to be 'better', 'more', 'high'), not considering that there is a way that will bring forth a win-win scenario for all, a way that will eliminate the need to fight against each-other, a way that will stop the mental value-judgments we create about ourselves and each-other based on fake values imposed onto us by the very system we despise.

I forgive myself that even though I witness and experience the spite of the system against me/against life, I have accepted and allowed myself to 'fight back with the same weapon': a bullying spite - instead of realizing that me projecting spitefulness and blame only perpetuate my enslavement, because as long as inequality exists in any way, I cannot truly and freely express and enjoy my value as life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider that I get what I give - and therefore if what I give is judgment, blame and spitefulness, I will be receiving judgment, blame and spitefulness: a vicious circle as we see in history repeating.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider that there are ways to bring forth an actual solution once and for all - and that in fact a solution cannot come from what we already know within the system; the solution has to transcend the system - in order to create something new that will in fact support and honor all life equally in all possible ways.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that everything toward which I experience a dislike or despise against is the result of a system - as I am the result of a system - and that therefore if I want to change my experience and everyone else's experience in this world, I have to change the system.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that we people are made 'who we are' by the system and as such we in turn support and perpetuate the system through how we exist as 'educated' by the system - and therefore if I want a substantial and radical change of the world I live in, not only the system must change, but I must change and everyone must change through self-honest self-education in common sense; in order to change the ways of our co-existence into dignified practical-living that is truly in support of life - all life equally.


I commit myself to investigating the ways in which I (through my participation and all the reactions that come up within me and I accept/give permission for) support the current system of separation, inequality and abuse - to start stopping the ways of the world within myself and my personal relationships/interactions first.

I commit myself to stopping the judgment and blame I exert towards the world and the system and/or myself, realizing that it is us, the people (who we are individually and within our relationships) that constitutes the system and thus it is US that create the world as we know it.

I commit myself to investigating how the system exactly functions and operates and what it is that has to change in order to stop all abuse, all separation and exploitation of life and to come up with a solution that will be best for all and will put an end to this existence of constant competition for survival.

I commit myself to finding ways to expose the patterns of this world so that all may see and understand how we are all equally part of 'the game' and that we are able to stop the game and change the rules of our coexistence in a way that will give all equal freedom, equal dignity, equal value.



I commit myself to stop seeing people in categories and labels, but to investigate how each person I meet came to accept such labels and categories for themselves and their world, so as to find practical ways of freeing ourselves from the limitations of fake value-systems as imposed onto us in this world system, and to find practical ways of bringing forth real value as life for ourselves and our world.

I commit myself to investigating myself every time I take something personally or react to something in my world - realizing that my reaction is an indication that I am placing myself as 'inferior' or 'superior' in that relation/context, and that such 'inferiority' or 'superiority' is a concept of the system and is not in fact in any way relevant to the actual value of life.

I commit myself to investigating how every person I meet came to be where and who and what they are, so as to make sure that the I/we walk a solution that makes sure such atrocity and disgrace will not be re-created.

I commit myself to educating myself and my world as to the patterns we've been accepting and allowing ourselves to exist within, so that all may see clearly that it is the accepted human nature and what we call 'life' (=our 'way of life', our system) that is creating this world as we know it THROUGH us, and so instead of taking the opportunity to use our intellect, our evolution, our technology as the 'right hand of god', we are the 'left hand of the devil' in this world!

And therefore if we want to change the world, we require to change both ourselves and how we co-exist: our systems within and without.



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Bella
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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

Post by Bella »

Bella's Journey to Life Day 9: Open Wounds and Quick Fixes | Patience ...without being a patient

In my process I’ve been lately facing the consequences of myself head-on and there’s certain things that is gonna take time to change, and there’s things that’s gonna take time to be formed.

Within this I am finding myself impatient, but most fascinating is that I discovered that this impatience is connected to the emotional experience of ‘failure’ that has been coming up lately when I look at my life.

I am head on faced with my own creation, and it’s not cool. The tendency then is to want things to change immediately, and/or even change through external factors. Which is also not cool.

Now – it’s one thing to look at it this way, and another to be stuck in the experience of ( as the result of backchat: ) one’s life being a failure, having no one really in one’s life because one has not been here but has isolated oneself - it’s like being literally trapped within oneself while life goes on and everybody else too.

I’ve existed within this bubble my whole life. Only now I am seeing it.



It’s fascinating what ‘shift’ of perception/reality an emotional charge enforces, and also that it is the repetition of the same thought patterns that charge the emotional response and vice versa. So it’s a vicious cycles through which one creates alternate bubble-realities of self-entrapment – until one stop.

When one stop, it doesn’t mean all respective experience disappears.

It takes many breaths of corrective application as the re-alignment of self in practical terms, re-defining who one is in actuality through what one does and how one does what one does, before one can re-form one’s existence, one’s world into something that is the result of creating / living-creation in willfulness and clarity. Something one can be proud of in terms of freedom, dignity and contentment.
So it is obvious common sense that PATIENCE is required.


Impatience can be a real bugger, because through impatience (which is in essence a rush for quick fixes, a race-for-salvation type of panic stretched out through time) we easily allow ourselves to follow thoughts and emotions in the belief that they may be holding the key to our ‘salvation’.

What we don’t consider thereby is that the solution must come from self-honesty and self-clarity, the solution must be: self, living the solution as ‘who I am’.

What we don’t consider thereby is that those thoughts and emotions that come-up as response have been there before and their purpose is to either drag you down into ‘inferiority’ and ‘powerlessness’ or to push you up into ‘superiority’ and illusions of ‘grandeur’.

And so we become a PATIENT within impatience. Mentally dis-eased, swinging between polarity moods, trapped in a personality suit of black or white.



The solution to impatience is patience – without however being a patient. Without being a loser, a whiner, a “it’s all about me, me, me”-troll, a great pretender or Inspector Gadget.


So we require to redefine Patience to stop existing as patients;
to live patience as who we are in every moment of breath as we walk in real-time to self-realize / real-I-see.

Patient:
pace-end
Ending the race, standing stable Here, setting a new pace: to walk breath by breath, one breath at a time.

Patience:
pace-and-see
Walk in breath and See what is Here



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run for quick-fixes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a race against myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be prisoner of time, instead of realizing the simplicity of walking step by step, one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘panic’ when I look at my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my life as a ‘failure’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘unhappy’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I create the feeling of ‘unhappy’ the moment I accept that I have to look for something ‘more’, something to ‘fulfill’ me, something through which to gain more ‘worth’ and ‘be happy’ – but in whose eyes?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look at myself through the mind’s eye, in judgment and spite.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to spite others for being in my eyes ‘happy’ or ‘successful’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that we all reap what we saw and therefore it is common sense that each is walking through the manifested consequences of what each has created. It is therefore self-evident that I am ‘only’ facing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to give myself time to face myself, and that I have searched for a quick fix as if there could be a way to avoid facing the manifested consequences of who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the manifested consequences of who I am – instead of simply seeing things for what they are, learning the lesson, and moving on to actually make a difference, in my own life and beyond.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for a long time hide within myself all the sadness and hate that I had accumulated throughout my younger years, and that I have instead chosen to simply ‘function’ and thus I diminished myself to just functioning and did not allow any intimate relationships with others so as to not have to face that sadness and hate of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be trapped into cycles of thoughts and emotions that seem to want to prove that I am a ‘failure’ and this it is ‘justified’ to hate my life.

I forgive myself for regretting not having realized the self-sabotage sooner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame and judge myself – instead of realizing that such attitude is part of the self-sabotage and must be stopped in the moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop the cycles of such self-sabotage because then I would have to face the truth of myself, the manifested consequences of who I am, and I fear that.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my past.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear time, and thus I’ve been running in time, running after time, running behind time, losing time – instead of realizing that I can only be in real-time when I walk breath by breath, one breath at a time.

Then I am equal with time, as real-time, here in every moment – and within self-equality and oneness I can be here, thus I can be patient. And when I live patience, I do not HAVE to BE patient – I simply walk step by step. And when impatience comes up, I stop, I breathe, I remind myself that I am here, and that I can only walk one step at a time, breath by breath.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become impatient as a reaction/mechanism of rushing, thinking and believing that the ‘hell’ of walking through the manifested consequences of myself can in any way be shortened when I rush and race in time.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that real change has to be walked into creation in real-time: walk the talk.

I commit myself to walking the talk and integrating my realizations into practical living application immediately as I write something out.

I commit myself to flagging the moments that trigger fear, that trigger rushing, that trigger the activation of ‘survival-mode’ that makes us all into these zombified mind-monsters – because through flagging the trigger I place myself in a position of recognizing the trigger and stopping myself in the moment, stopping myself from going into ‘survival-mode’, fear or rushing.

I commit myself to understanding and recognizing my fears and how they were formed/created, so as to stop their re-creation and walk the self-correction of stopping the concepts and illusions attached to the fears; to get myself out of the mind and into reality – to live actual solutions into beingness as a new way of life that will be supporting life, not fear.

I commit myself to slowing down and walking breath by breath, one breath at a time; while I walk through the manifested consequences of myself and experience all that which I had denied and suppressed within myself; while I forgive myself for suppressing and denying myself; while I stand up to walk a new creation, a new way of life, a new way of me, a new way of co-existing and interacting with each-other.

I commit myself to opening myself up and daring to stand here, in the middle of the fire, embracing the fire as I am it; while I purify myself through self-honesty, self-forgiveness, corrective living application and self-respect as life.

I commit myself to establishing self-trust through/as applied self-honesty and practical common sense, as I live and within how I live every moment here in my living reality in every breath.

I commit myself to sharing myself with the people that enter my world, so that we may all start opening up and stopping the denial of the world and the suppression of self we’ve been maintaining while in survival-mode.

I commit myself to supporting and bringing forth a solution for this world that would allow all to stop existing in survival-mode and start LIVING for Real!



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Bella
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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

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Bella's Journey to Life Day 10: I don't wanna Wait in Vain

So the other day I was looking at the attitude of a friend as a physical attitude and its consequences in the world (see my blog.....). That point forced me to look at myself and my own attitude, and through an experience I had the other night I saw something interesting.

I spent the afternoon with my partner and we had a great time working with the earth and planting some new plants, then cleaning the balcony and finishing up, and we were both really caught up in the activity and accordingly focused on it. We were at his place, and so my partner continued with cleaning the inner side of the space that leads to the balcony.
I was enjoying the green view and the sparkling raindrops that the short rain was now reflecting on the plants... And slowly but surely I realized I had nothing particular to do and started feeling awkward. I realized I was like waiting for something, for something to happen, for something to determine the next steps.

I asked myself whether perhaps I should not be there, perhaps my partner wants to be alone and do his thing, so I asked him whether he wants to be alone and he said it is not a problem that I am there. So I realized it was I that was the one having a 'problem', it was I that was feeling awkward, it was I that wanted to leave, but I could somehow not move myself freely to simply leave. As if I was waiting for something.

When I realized this, I took a moment to breathe and make myself comfortable within myself, to stop the awkward feeling and simply be here for a moment. Then, I simply made the step to take my bag and tell my partner "Hey I'll be going over to my place now", upon which he simply said "okay" - and everything was simplistic and simply what it was.
We hugged goodbye and I shared that I had enjoyed myself that day, and I left and everything was fine, clear, simple.


What I recognized within this is the automated response that comes up when I don't seem to be finding or seeing a 'purpose' to my presence and I immediately start to question whether I am wanted there, whether I am bothering, whether I am not supposed to be there.

An interesting realization within the whole situation, was when I realized that I was experiencing opposing forces within me. I wanted to leave and go and do something but I wasn't admitting that to myself for some reason, and at the same time I wanted to stay but didn't see why and what for. Within this, I realized that I was WAITING. I was waiting for SOMETHING.

What was that something I was waiting for? I was waiting either for my partner to tell me that I have to leave, or my partner to come to me and hug me or sit with me and give me a moment of 'intimacy'.
So I was waiting for my partner to determine my 'purpose', my 'movement', and also as I am realizing now: my 'worth'.

If he was to ask me to leave I would perceive that as me being 'not worthy' in that moment for him and would make a 'negative' experience out of it - OR if he would have come closer to me and we'd have a moment of 'closeness' I would make a 'positive' experience out of it and perceive myself as 'worthy'.

Both polarities do not in fact say anything about ME, but through my own acceptance and allowance: I accept such value-judgments to be formed within me based on the interpretation of the feedback coming from outside of me and I allow that perceived feedback to determine who I am through determining how I see myself and what I think and feel about myself and my relationships in my world.



It is fascinating that from such small points, such trivial and banal situations we can actually see so much about ourselves and about how we create our own experience and form our relationships.

The fucked-up thing about that is, that we are within that forming our relationships and our interactions from an unconscious starting-point, as we allow the conditioned mind as our self-consciousness to form the conclusions, assumptions and definitions we extract from the situation as equations, which we then base our decisions on.

So we base our decisions in the fuzzy logic of the secret mind, in unawareness of the totality of ourselves and our reality/our world. We base our decisions on the fears and desires of the conditioned self-consciousness and end up going into the direction the mind wants to go - which is a preprogrammed direction based in ideas of 'safety', 'knowing' and 'self-interest', and therefore such direction is not in fact allowing self as the actual being to expand, to explore and discover oneself for real.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as waiting.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my 'worth' based in polarity value-judgments according to my interpretation of external feedback, and thus to define my 'worth' based on how I think others see me - instead of acknowledging and accepting self-worth as who I am here as life, based in the core of my being and not on perception through the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to direct, to determine and to form 'what is here' - instead of taking full responsibility for who I am, what I want, where I'm going.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a starting-point of lack, thinking and believing I am missing something, something that must be given to me from the outside - instead of realizing self-equality and oneness here as me and accepting myself as the starting-point and the directive-principle of my life as myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest a persona of 'waiting': 'waiting' to be allowed, 'waiting' to be given, 'waiting' to be invited, 'waiting' to be valued... - instead of be allowing me to be HERE, me giving me to me, me inviting me to live, me valuing myself as life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that through accepting myself to exist within and as 'waiting' in that one point of for instance the partner-relationship, I am actually accepting myself as 'waiting' in all aspects of my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' for others to come forth with solutions when it is clear that this world requires every single self-willed individual in order to bring forth a solution for our world that will actually support life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'unworthy', 'without purpose', 'without value' - when it is clear that we are only waiting for ourselves, as it is up to us to see ourselves as worthy of life and make ourselves worthy of life; we must give ourselves the purpose of creating life, creating ourselves as life to begin with, as that would be the only actual value and the highest value a human being could take on: dignifying life and bringing forth a purified existence where the value is life and all life can be equally free to express and expand, to live, to move, to create.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wait for direction from the outside - instead of realizing that if we do not give ourselves direction in self-honesty, we remain subject to the systems of this world that operate automatically based on profit and self-interest, which is in essence based in fear; and that these systems exist and operate both within and without, as we have created and manifested this world in our image and likeness: a bipolar existence based in apparent 'scarcity' where life has become a race and a struggle between having and lacking, and this system is driven by the friction cause through competition, comparison, greed - all of which is essentially based in fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an existence of fear, an existence of separation, an existence where all and everything is enslaved to each-other, yet each one fears making the first step to freedom, fears giving up what we think we own, what we think we know, who we think we are.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to what I 'know' out of a need to feel 'safe' and 'secure' - instead of realizing that that which I think I 'know' and that which makes me feel 'safe' and 'secure' are the very patterns that constitute this world as we know it - and if all fear the unknown, if all are waiting for others to change first, we are surely not getting anywhere.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an existence of 'scarcity' where we manifest money as scarcity based on our own inner perception of scarcity, where each one is always looking at the rest of the world through the filters of separation and therefore through an experience of 'lack' and 'need' which in turn fuels self-interest and makes it all about "me, me, me", and we are all literally driven by self-interest and have lost our own actual drive as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an existence of 'scarcity' - instead of realizing that there is enough of everything for all here and each one could have a fulfilled life of self-expression and actual value with doing what one is good at doing, if only we would stop antagonizing and racing against-each other in a quest for a bigger jackpot for "me", a quest for self-interest and personal elevation.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I find myself 'waiting'.

I realize that 'waiting' is wanting - wanting someone to change first before I change, waiting for someone to determine the next steps, waiting for someone else to take responsibility, waiting for the right moment.... when in fact I am always only waiting for myself to stand up and live.

I realize that if we don't stand up and live and bring forth an existence where all will be able to stand up and live - we'll be waiting in vain and we'll be in fact worthless in life, as we have not accepted ourselves as life, but have waited for others to save life and bring forth a solution for life.

I commit myself to taking responsibility at any given moment - being the directive-principle that dares to stop the game, dares to lead the way, to make decisions, to move self - because I realize that if I don't move, nothing moves.

I commit myself to making myself and others in my world aware of the manifestation of ourselves as 'waiting' - so that all may see that 'waiting' is actually postponing, is actually abdicating responsibility, is actually giving in to the mind as the self-consciousness that is trapped in concepts of 'inferiority' and 'superiority' and always busy with "me, me, me", instead of allowing self to stand equal as life and bring forth the equality of life as the actual value that can be practically lived, honoured, applied and established, so that all may be able to live their full potential as life; and surely once life is free, much more is possible than we can even begin to fathom at the moment.

I commit myself to eliminating the idea of 'scarcity' that has become a mental concept manifested as money that dictates this existence in polarity terms of 'having and 'lacking', so much so that all thoughts of human beings exist in terms of 'having' and 'lacking' - be it money, sex, relationships, image, worth, value - it's always about 'having' and 'lacking' and therefore the human race is manifest based on this very program, and regardless of what we participate in we are always trapped in this program of polarity. We are driven by it and are programmed to re-create it and perpetuate it over and over and over again, as our history of mankind clearly shows. This must stop.

I commit myself to stopping the concept of 'scarcity' from driving our existence. I commit myself to bringing forth common sense and the realization that all can have and be everything, once we re-form our system into a system that will ensure the foundation for all to have equal power, equal opportunity, equal value, equal access in life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from being subject to the self-consciousness of my conditioned mind - and I commit myself to investigating and exposing all the ways in which we are enslaved to conditioned patterns of polarity that cause abuse and the exploitation of life.

I commit myself to removing the veils of the mind cast upon this existence to blind us from the actual truth of ourselves that is right in front of us yet we do not see...

I commit myself to exposing all the ways we deceive ourselves through the mind, driven by self-interest which is in essence fear - and I commit myself to bringing forth an existence without fear, starting with myself.




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Bella
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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

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Bella's Journey to Life Day 11: Bringing myself back to What is Here - Working with What is Here

As I am still finding myself very much in the survival mode of not having enough money to have actual choices in life, I am looking for a solution to the reaction of 'panicking' about 'not making it' in this world - which is obviously to stop the fear, stop the panic, stop the backchat and look at what is here, to consider the practical possibilities of how to best work with what is here.

Since I can remember I was trying to do things on my own and be 'independent', especially as a form of rebelling against the over-protectiveness of my mother who used to want to do things FOR me, arrange things FOR me, design my life FOR me - and in that she would in a way take away my responsibility, which I then always tried to 'take back' and 'prove'.

Today, ironically, I sometimes find myself wishing for someone to 'mother' me, or wishing for a father to just be here for me, and I find myself all alone in my world, having to actually take responsibility for myself.
I always wanted to be alone and make it alone, as I had mistaken that for 'freedom' and 'independence' - not wanting to acknowledge and accept the fact that life is interdependent and that we have to work together in this world.

I feared interdependence as I perceived it as dependency, all the while I was creating an actual dependency to the concept of 'independence' and 'freedom' within my mind.

In my younger years I often fell victim to bullying and spitefulness and so I manifested a fear of people and started avoiding people out of fear of being ridiculed, fear of rejection, fear of that experience of inferiority and awkwardness that I experienced as a child and young adult.

So I effectively pushed everything and everyone away from me throughout my life and I attempted to walk a path of 'self-enlightenment' through the mind. Needless to say I had a rude awakening, especially once I came across Desteni and realized the delusional and self-righteous beliefs I was caught up within - realizing the delusion of beliefs in general for that matter. I saw that I had created myself an alternate reality based on pretence, wishful-thinking and an imposed 'positivity', whose only purpose was to hide and suppress the actual experience of myself in relation to the actuality of my reality.

After I spent three years on the Desteni farm where I woke up from several of my self-delusions, as well as woke up to several points of my own truth as what I had become yet denied throughout my life, I decided to 'return to the matrix' to test who I am and to make the best out of myself in a process of standing equal to the system as the only way to change the system into something that will be best for all.

Now - over a year has passed and I am finding myself still unequal to the system. I have not been able to mingle with people to the extent I would have liked to and establish myself as a presence of self-equality, plus I am trapped within survival conditions that do not allow for choices and expansion towards something that would place me in a position of responsibility.

Seeing this and observing my reaction to the point, that's where I start considering that perhaps I am looking too 'far away', perhaps I am enslaving myself to unconscious accepted beliefs and ideas about what taking responsibility entails, about what walking the world matrix entails, about what 'making it' or being 'effective' in this world entails.
Perhaps I am looking at idealized concepts of myself and the world - instead of looking at what is here and how I can best work with what is here.

Therefore - let me bring the point back here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and my life to other people’s lives in this world - wherein through comparison I perceive that I don't have anything while others have everything in terms of chances and support in this world, obviously failing to consider that everyone is walking their own consequences and facing their own creation as themselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and my life to ideas and ideals of 'effectiveness' and 'success' as they exist within my mind, brainwashed into me through movies, media, the consumer-society and the money-system of this world – instead of working with the actuality of my reality to get myself to a point of self-equality and oneness as starting-point of a trans-formation, a new creation, a correction of all that which I have allowed to bind and define me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to accept a money-system that imposes onto us ideas and concepts of 'success' and 'failure' based in fake values of the mental in inequality, while disregarding the physical reality we all equally share.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within despair and anxiety towards my life/me in the world, based on judgments I have accepted and/or created about myself and the world rooted in the morality of polarity as the mind-control philosophy of this world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire some 'profound' experience to feel better about myself, something to give me ‘more worth’ - instead of realizing that I am obviously walking the manifested consequences of myself; meaning that what I am faced and confronted with is the result of my own acceptances and allowances, the result of my participation or non-participation throughout my life, the result of my own judgment, self-judgment and accepted fear – and therefore it is to stop the judgment, stop the fear and make myself worthy of life as life in self-responsibility and self-dignity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept and manifest fear in relation to this world matrix, wherein I've allowed myself to exist in accepted 'inferiority' towards the world system and have been constantly attempting to 'redeem myself' through superimposing an apparent 'superiority', in a way trying to stand above things, which is like trying to stay above water and not sink: which obviously takes a lot of effort and uses up a lot of energy, which I would not have needed to engage into had I only accepted what is here as me. Therefore the solution is to first accept what is here as me and stand within and as self-equality and oneness, to then walk in humbleness and humility the process of re-forming what is here as me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within a mode of trying to 'prove' myself - rooted in inferiority patterns of the past from when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize and accept self-equality and oneness, bringing myself 'down to the essence' of my creation as what I am faced and confronted with - realizing that it is from this point of self-equality and oneness only that I'll be able to make relevant and informed decisions towards a self-correction that will redeem life in all possible ways.

I commit myself to walking this process of removing the accepted mind-control as fears, beliefs and self-definitions that are rooted in polarity judgments passed onto us by the generations before - because I can see within the history of mankind that such judgments are only causing history to repeat without considering life as a whole; such judgments are only causing the repetition of patterns of separation, self-interest and greed/fear, both on the bigger scale as the world as well as the smaller scale as one’s individual life experience.

I commit myself to stopping the comparison that is manifested in all possible ways - so that I may align myself to oneness and equality of life within the starting-point of self-equality and oneness - which implies the self-forgiveness of the accepted consciousness patterns that keep us enslaved in separate bubbles of the mental, the end of suppression and denial about who we are and what the world is, and the taking of full self-responsibility for who we are, how we exist and what we are creating through our participation in every breath.

I commit myself to stopping myself from following the preprogrammed ideas and ideals of the mind in relation to ‘who I am’ and ‘who I should be’ in this world.

I commit myself to effectively working with what is here, instead of projecting and superimposing the mental onto the physical, because I realize that such application is only manifesting more delusion and consequences.

I commit myself to getting to self-clarity about where I stand and what I am walking - getting to self-honesty and applying practical common sense to support myself in standing-up as life in self-dignity, thus within this also placing myself in a position of being able to support my world and others in my world that find themselves in similar situations.

I commit myself to stopping anxiety and any reactions towards my life and my experience of myself - realizing that what I am facing is simply the manifested consequences of myself that I require to walk through, because it is the result and outflow of who I have been and how I have existed; realizing that it will take some time of corrective application to re-form the patterns of existence into that which is best for all and to walk myself into and as self-trust, self-worth, self-dignity and self-enjoyment.

I commit myself to investigating the beliefs and ideas that govern my mind - to debunk all delusion and get myself to practical common sense, working with what is here to purify what is here.

I commit myself to investigating the universal beliefs and ideas that we've accepted and allowed to enslave existence - to debunk all delusion and bring forth common sense so that all may see and realize the necessity to stop, stand-up and re-form this existence into something that is worthy of life, a world that is best for all life equally.



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Bella
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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

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Bella's Journey to Life Day 12: Everything is in Reverse

That which one resist and deny the most is often a door to self-realization and the truth/the actuality of oneself.

That which one defends most dearly is often another brick in the wall of self-delusion.

Everything is in reverse.

That which we fear often holds the key to self-expansion and transcendence.

That which we love is often the box of our limitation, the very cage of our enslavement.


I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see and realize that I as the mind do not want to change in spite of the evidence all around me that change is required.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the mind as self-consciousness is not who I really am - as I can see that a baby that comes into this world does not yet have a mind consciousness, yet it is able to interact and communicate with all and everything that is here directly and attentively, without fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge that as we are 'educated' and 'informed' to become 'formed' in this world we are slowly but surely losing our inherent connection to life as ourselves and everything that is here, and then spend a lifetime 'missing' that connection and searching for it in all kinds of external things like 'god' and 'love' and 'light' or ‘sex, drugs and rock’n’roll’- instead of going back to the origin of life as self beyond the limitations and delusions of the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place value in intellect and ideas of grandeur, when it is self-evident that the more power one has in this world through money, education, status: the more one becomes self-righteous, the more one sees the need to ‘protect’ one’s self-interest, the more abuse one inflict, accept and allow against life as oneness and equality - instead of power being equal to responsibility and those that are in positions of greater power and fortune in fact taking the responsibility to support and empower those that are in positions of lesser power and fortune.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge that what we call life is not life in fact - because life is given to all equally and is thus an expression of GIVING, while evidently this current existence and world system is an expression of TAKING.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I must in fact give what I would like to receive and not wait for others to give first before I start giving; and that I must forgive myself first and not wait for others to forgive. This is the way of self-responsibility and self-movement – an actual initiation - and the only point from which change can come forth and a new way of life lived into beingness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow the fuzzy logic of my self-consciousness that is based in self-interest, separation and greed/fear and is thus only focused on TAKING - instead of acknowledging and accepting myself as life and thus as capable of GIVING.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to forGIVE myself for the self-abuse, self-diminishment and self-degradation I have allowed through accepting a system of abuse and exploitation as if it were 'life', when in fact it is the parasite that feeds off of life, consumes life, just like we consume ourselves and each-other through the mental within concepts of inequality where the "I" is in a constant race to "win" while we enslave the physical as we disregard the equality of the physical like the air we all breathe and the requirements we have in common to ensure our survival on this planet as the dust we all return to.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that that which is keeping me from forGIVING myself is the very parasite that I recognize in the world as a system of self-interest, separation and greed/fear that is unwilling to let go of the which it believes it owns and possesses; and that self-consciousness exists as such a system within, based on the same functions and principles the world-system / money-system is based on, which is in essence Fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that Fear is what my self-consciousness will use to keep me as life in check and use my life spark only for its own purposes of self-preservation - as self-consciousness is defined through the definitions it has formed about itself and the world and thus through that which it already 'knows' as the fuzzy logic it has developed to 'explain'/ 'reason'/ 'justify' why it exist the way it does and why the world is as we know it and thus why apparently no change is possible or even required – out of fear of loss and the desire for ‘power’/’control’.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I've been sabotaging and compromising myself through and as the self-consciousness that inhabits me: a system programmed by this world to serve the world as we know it, instead of serving life as the giver of life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed fear to keep me trapped within the habits that inhabit me and inhibit my expansion, expression and blossom as life – even though I see and experience the limitation, constriction and enslavement of myself within and as this consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place value in the fuzzy logic of my self-consciousness and to place pride within how I am "able" to explain why I am the way I am and why things are the way things are - instead of realizing that each one is utilizing their 'logic' based on one's own self-consciousness and that that 'logic' is set to only validate and justify one's own self-consciousness, one's own bubble of existence, one's own self-interest - while missing all common sense and failing to utilize the mind as a tool that could serve life in a responsible, self-directive way, taking into consideration and regarding all life equally in the understanding that we must stop the power-games, stop the cycles of abuse, blame, revenge, stop history from repeating and write a new script as solution for humanity to be practically lived as that which is best for all in all possible ways.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have become my own self-enslavement through the mind as the mind, as I have become the mind system as self-consciousness while I suppress and deny and hide myself in the depths of my being and allow the system parasite of self-interest, greed, ego, fear to exist through me as me, making my decisions for me and manifesting this world as we know it.

I commit myself to forgiving myself and letting go of ego as the self-consciousness that drives me - so that I may be and become the directive principle of myself as life to make informed decisions in life that will support and honor life as the real actual value of all and everything.

I commit myself to stopping fear as I understand that fear is the fuel of self-consciousness, fear is that which tells us we have to 'protect' ourselves from ourselves and each-other and thus we spend a lifetime hiding and protecting and constricting ourselves while we completely miss life and the opportunity to live and be equal to this creation as creators, bringing forth an existence that is best for all.

I commit myself to investigating and exposing the evil ways of self-consciousness - as I realize that it is the same system within and without that we have allowed to govern our hearts and enslave us through fear ('inferiority') and ideas of grandeur ('superiority') and so we are trapped in mental polarities while we miss the equality of life that is here as ourselves waiting for us to wake up, to stop the fear, to see what is here, to see that WE ARE HERE, and therefore we are able to trans-form what is here to what is best for all - best for all life equally.



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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

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Bella's Journey to Life Day 13: Stopping the Hater within Self

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the hater when I witness a situation where someone will bully another back in hate.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that hating the hater makes me into a hater myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the anger that comes up within me when witnessing a hater is in fact revealing to me that I hold a judgment against the hater and a self-judgment against myself, believing I am inferior to the situation – instead of standing in the point of common sense and equalizing myself with the moment that is here to effectively direct the situation through common sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to a reaction with a reaction, based in morality value judgments, without realizing that by reacting in the same way I become equal to that which I react to.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with anger at my world when seeing the patterns of our existence wherein each one always wants to have the last say, to be right, to win a situation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in helplessness and powerlessness, thinking and believing I m not able to show and explain the point in common sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of inferiority when another is superimposing superiority, and then from that starting-point of accepted ‘inferiority’ to try and impose a ‘superior’ solution – instead of pointing out the obvious, as for instance pointing out what it is that one is placing oneself equal to when reacting in hate and anger and bullying back.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to consider that by reacting in anger and hate towards the hater, I am in fact placing myself equal to the pattern of the ‘hating’ and the ‘hated’ – instead of stepping out of the polarity and resolving the point in equality, pointing out the common sense that no solution can ever be achieved when each one is always trying to ‘win’ and have the last say, and that seeking ‘revenge’ or ‘justice’ in a polarity system can never be what is best for all.


I’ve been writing about the point of self-consciousness these days, and yesterday I read a blog that demonstrates and deconstructs the system of self-consciousness in a very clear way.

It is fascinating how both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ are but ‘gods’ and ‘demons’ of the mind – points to which we assign certain ‘values’ based on polarity value-judgments of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, and we do that within ourselves in the mind just like we do it in our world.

The purpose that self-consciousness serves is the pursuit of winning, the pursuit of personal happiness – whereby the happiness of self-consciousness is not even necessarily the point of actual happiness for the person it is inhabiting.

Self-consciousness derives pleasure from ‘control’, regardless whether this is done through the ‘positive’ or through the ‘negative’ – the goal is the same: ‘being in control’.

It is that point of ‘control’ that is programmed to equate with ‘personal happiness’ – and so it is for instance that people will stay in abusive relationships or will continue with patterns of self-abuse simply because it gives them the illusion of ‘control’. The very limitation and actual imprisonment they are subjecting themselves to: make up the framework for their perceived ‘control’, wherein it is not even the person itself that has any form of control, it is the mind as self-consciousness that preserves itself within the patterns it ‘knows’ and can ‘deal with’, hence the perception of ‘control’. The mind as self-consciousness will often drive a being to desperate and degrading actions against itself or against others just to get that thrill of perceived ‘control’.

The consequences of such ‘control’ is what we see in our world wherein we make everything about being ‘right’ and being ‘in control’ and within this we make everything about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and inflict upon this existence an endless race where ‘the winner takes it all’.

We have ended up in an existence where everyone is bullying each-other and everyone is always bullying back, as everyone is driven by this energy of self-righteousness – and that is the very point that always seeks to win, always seeks revenge, always seeks to have the last say.

When we look back at history, it is obvious that we are not getting anywhere by looking to blame others and trying to prove ourselves/our side to be ‘right’.

So how do we stop this game? How do we stop the power-games, the cycles of blame and the finger-pointing? How do we get ourselves to a point where we can start afresh, with a clean slate?


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant mental state of trying to be ‘right’, trying to ‘win’, trying to have the last say.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive ‘worth’ and ‘validation’ and ‘power’ from such behaviour, wherein if I do not get to be the ‘winner’ I will feel ‘less than’ and ‘invalidated’ and ‘powerless’ and I as mind as self-consciousness cannot allow anything or anyone else to be ‘more than’ me or ‘better than’ me or to be ‘right’ against me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take people’s behaviours personally and see others as being ‘against me’, not realizing that this conflict of interests is in fact a characteristic of self-consciousness as something it can create friction from, because without friction it cannot create the energy as the endless ‘race’ it requires to sustain itself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to ‘strike back’ whenever I perceive that ‘something is done unto me’ – instead of realizing that this ping-pong game is the very pattern through which we are recreating wars and conflict in our world, both on the smaller and the bigger scale.

I forgive myself for taking things personally and judging others, without questioning myself as my own reactions that come up within me – as I have not allowed myself to see and realize that what comes up within me is in fact me and therefore I am facing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always place the blame in ‘others’ because through this I can abdicate my responsibility to others and do not have to face myself or change myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that others must change first because others are ‘more wrong’ than me and when others change only then will I consider changing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility through projecting my inner world into my outer world and blaming others about what I am experiencing – instead of realizing that I am creating my own reactions through and as self-consciousness in separation from life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and change myself and my world through ‘control’ – instead of realizing that this only keeps history repeating and that it is only in equality and oneness that we are able to effectively redirect and reform our existence of polarity into an existence of oneness and equality as best for all.

I commit myself to stopping my own reactions and equalizing myself in common sense before I engage myself into directing a situation where ego is playing out.

I commit myself to stopping ego within myself, because if I want to support others in stopping ego within themselves, I require to be the example of how that is possible and how we can walk ourselves out of the mind of polarity and into life as self-equality and oneness.

I commit myself to exposing ego in all possible ways, so that we may all see and realize that by existing as ego we are only perpetuating the state of the world as we know it, where war, abuse and exploitation are the common denominators of a system that abuse life, just like we allow the self-consciousness as the ego we have become to abuse the life in ourselves and each-other.

I commit myself to actualizing my standing in oneness and equality with every opportunity that presents itself to me – and I commit to pointing out the patterns and not the people, as I see that we all exist within the same patterns of abuse and self-righteousness and therefore it’s not about who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’ but it’s about stopping the power-games altogether and realizing practical solutions of common sense that will bring forth a win-win resolution to all conflict and war, because as life we can give to all that which we would like for ourselves.

I commit myself to not reacting with anger when faced with the unacceptable of this world, but to instead investigate and explain how the pattern exists and how we all participate in keeping it alive – because when we see how we are keeping the pattern alive we can also see how we can stop it and put an end to the power-games and the illusionary ‘control’ we so desperately try to maintain.

I commit myself to not give up in the moments I am faced with ‘powerlessness’, but to utilize the breath that was unconditionally given to me by life itself to equalize myself as life and to stand-up and stop the accepted ‘powerlessness’ within myself and accept myself as equal of life, as that is the only starting-point from which we are able to bring forth solutions that will be best for all.

I commit myself to walking in humbleness and stopping the power-games I exist within in all possible ways.

I commit myself to realizing and walking the practical example of how life as equality and oneness is the only actual power, through and as which we are able to make a difference within ourselves, our world and this existence as a whole.



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Bella
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Re: Bella's Journey to Life

Post by Bella »

Bella's Journey to Life Day 14: Fear and Loathing through Self-Victimization

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see and realize that within victimizing myself, I am abdicating my power and my responsibility and actually implying that I am 'less than' that which I am ‘blaming’ and 'less than' that which I expect to ‘save’ me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that blaming is a form of self-abdication, wherein we make others responsible for how we feel and what we experience within ourselves.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that what I am experiencing within myself: I am creating or have created through the accumulation of all that which I've accepted and allowed throughout time - therefore I am always only faced with my own creation, my own consequences, myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the hate I am experiencing is the result of accepted self-victimization; and that this is revealing to me that I am both the 'abuser' and the 'abused' - I am doing it to myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for how I experience myself - instead of realizing that what I am experiencing is not really real, but only real from the perspective that I am living it, it is my creation, created through the interpretations of my perceptions, the implied definitions I have accepted and the value-judgments I have allowed myself to believe-in about myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in division within myself - wherein one part of me is the 'abuser', the 'nasty one', the 'hater'; and the other part of me is the 'abused', the 'victim', the 'sorry one'; Instead of realizing that I am only doing this to myself, and in fact not only to myself but also to my world.

Within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that through accepting myself to exist in/as such pattern, externalized in behavior, I am being an example of the very system we are all trapped within as the bipolar ways of the world and thus supporting the very system that binds us, the very existence of separation, abuse and exploitation as we see it in the world as we know it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as ego within self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see and realize that ego exists not only as 'superiority' and 'domination' but also as 'inferiority' and 'victimization' - because in both cases it's all about "me, me, me" and within that, I am so preoccupied with "me" as the energy-body of conditioned thoughts, feelings and emotions, that I fail to see what is really going on around me, who others really are or what I am actually manifesting and supporting within this world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exert my self-loathing and hate onto others, projecting my inner into the outer and waiting for something in the outer to 'change', or to 'save' me, to give me an impulse of 'change' or 'salvation' - instead of me bringing the point back to self in full self-responsibility and realizing: I am the origin of it all, I am the starting-point of my existence, I am the cause and effect.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that my existence is and will be formed according to my starting-point, whether through what I ‘unconsciously’ follow and allow or through self-directive will in awareness; and that as long as my starting-point is one of ego (whether in perceived 'superiority' or in and accepted 'inferiority') I am creating an experience of ego and supporting a world of ego, instead of giving myself and others the chance to stand-up as life and live in freedom from fear, to expand and express in self-dignity, self-empowerment, self-respect.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear of loss; wherein I fear losing that which I perceive I have, possess or own - instead of realizing that I own nothing, I possess nothing, because that which can be ‘lost’ is not real in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be possessed by my own consciousness in polarity, to be owned by ego - instead of realizing that the fear of loss is based in a mind-reality that is not in fact real, but only the creation of my consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that consciousness as the conditioned mind/ego we all have come to exist within and as: is set to 'win' and 'own' and 'possess' - and within that we can actually see that for this to be that way, the accepted starting-point of self-consciousness as ego must be fear and the perception of 'lack', 'powerlessness', 'inFeariority' - otherwise it would not exist within a constant race to 'gain', 'get', become 'more', 'higher', 'better' and ultimately 'win' the race. But what is it racing against...?

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that consciousness as the conditioned mind consciousness/ego we all have come to exist within and as: is set to 'win' and 'own' and 'possess' - and within this we can see the obvious fact that the mind is not life, as life is never about 'winning', 'possessing' or 'owning'. Rather, life is about Living, life is about Giving, because to Live we must in fact Give to ourselves Life, Give to ourselves the gift of Life in self-awareness as life in oneness and equality, realizing that what we do to ourselves we do to everyone and everything else, and what we deny to ourselves we deny to everyone and everything else; and therefore we must start with Giving ourselves to ourselves, forGiving ourselves, Giving ourselves back the power to stand-up and direct ourselves into living-solutions of integrity in self-responsibility and self-respect.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose self-respect while expecting respect from others.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to Give to me what I expect others to give to me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be the One - the One to pick myself up, the One to 'save' me, the One to embrace me, the One to care for me, the One to guide me in self-honesty and practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and leave myself alone; to abandon myself in the claws of the mind as consciousness as ego which makes it all about "me, me, me"; but this me is not really the real me, it is the embodiment of the ideas, value-judgments, perceptions and reactions I have accumulated ABOUT myself throughout my time in this world system, wherein I have allowed the system to determine and define 'who I am' and what my apparent 'worth' is - instead of me being the directive-principle that determines who I am through first of all accepting myself here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within nastiness and spitefulness against my world, thinking and believing and perceiving that it is the world's fault that I am who I am and that I experience myself the way I do -
instead of realizing that I have equally played a role throughout my life in creating and manifesting "me" as who I am and how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust anything that automatically comes-up within me as a thought, emotion, feeling or experience/perception - because the very nature of automation implies preprogramming, and therefore what comes up within me automatically without me directing it: is obviously but the conditioned consciousness of "me" as I have allowed myself to be 'formed' and 'informed' within and through this world system, through my participation in all the contexts of my world: family, friends, school, job, money-system, sex-system.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that we are all products of the relationships we have been exposed to, and that therefore the ways of the world as the bipolar abuse-patterns we are facing are the result of who each one is and how we exist with each-other; and that as long as we continue existing in polarity, swinging from 'winning' to 'losing' as mental concepts and acting out from 'the abuser' to 'the abused' as manifested outflows of our accepted concepts of mind: we are enslaving ourselves and each-other to eternal damnation within the cycles of abuse that is this world, that are our relationships wherever we look, that is the denied truth of our beingness that will not/ cannot change unless we recognize our role within the whole and stand-up to stop the abuse within ourselves and our relationships through self-responsibility and self-dignity as life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that to stop the accepted patterns of abuse, we have to stop the polarity within self - because abuse only exists where there is no equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that self is always the origin and therefore if I want others and my world to change: I must change.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that there is only one actual choice that is real: to create or to be created; to live or to be lived; to stand-up or to go under; to take self-responsibility or to remain the victim of this existence; to be the directive-principle of change and transformation and actual evolution or to remain an observer only and allow 'the world' to determine the future which in that case will be a future of consequences based on my acceptances and allowances and the fact that I did not stand-up to make a difference within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is others that must make a difference and that I cannot make a difference - instead of realizing that such self-annihilating ideas only come as a form of self-sabotage through the self-consciousness, because consciousness as ego can only exist through friction and conflict and thus it needs the polarity to create friction from which to draw its energy of survival, of war, of competition so that it can maintain its 'fight' against everything and everyone else in its pursuit to 'win' - even if that 'winning' means to 'prove' to the being it inhabits that it is apparently 'worthless', 'powerless', 'unable' or 'inadequate'.
Because it's not only those that are 'arrogant' and trapped within delusions of 'grandeur' and 'superiority' that are trapped within ego as ego - it is also those that give in to delusions of self-pity in accepted 'victim-hood', 'powerlessness' and 'unworthiness'.

This shows clearly the true nature of consciousness and how it functions and operates within polarity - and how we are trapped in polarity patterns within ourselves, enslaving ourselves and each-other.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive my world as a prison and to perceive my relationships as a prison and to perceive my body as prison, when it is clear and obvious that I as the mind consciousness as ego is the actual prison that constricts and deforms the body and abuses the relationships with others and manifests the world as we know it, where we exploit and consume life as we mine energy to feed the mind - instead of feeding life and nurturing life as ourselves and each-other in dignity and practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize self-equality and oneness and accept myself as the origin of my reality, the law of my being.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize and recognize that I have become the victim of the very laws I have accepted and/or created within myself and have imposed into my world and my reality - and that once I see and acknowledge this, I can no longer deny that I do have the power to make the actual choice: of either accepting and allowing the preprogrammed laws of my being that were created through my ignorance and self-abdication to determine my existence and my reality OR standing-up within myself to change the laws of my being into practical applications that will support me as LIFE in oneness and equality, and not the "me" of the mind in separation and degradation.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that we are all enslaved to the 'agreements' we make either explicitly or implicitly - and that currently this world, this existence, is subject to and victim to the silent agreements we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist within and that we can see in all our personal relationships as well as the relationships of the world systems.

I commit myself to changing the laws of my being into practical applications of oneness and equality as LIFE so that I may support myself and Life, so that I may support Life as who we all really are beneath the masks of self-consciousness, beneath the concepts of separation, beneath the cages of ego.

I commit myself to an agreement with myself: to no longer accept the automated ways of this world, the automated ways of myself - but to investigate the root of evil as consciousness and understand the laws it is based on; to take responsibility to change the laws of consciousness into laws of awareness as life, so as to bring forth an existence of life where all life is supported and where we can finally put an end to separation, abuse, fear and exploitation. This I start with myself.

I commit myself to stopping the inherent fear as I realize it is a construct of the system and exists only to ‘justify’ our separation and accepted ‘powerlessness’ so that the system can prevail and keep on feeding off of life like a vampire.

I commit myself to stopping myself from feeding off on energy, realizing that what I require is simply the breath and myself in awareness as life.

I commit myself to stopping self-victimization and self-abdication; stopping the existence of myself as "me" as ego; and standing-up in self-responsibility as life to be the ONE that makes a difference.

I commit myself to making a difference in my life in a way that will in fact support me in expanding, expressing and freeing myself from the self-imprisonment of the mind - so that I may be a living example of what is possible in our world and our relationships once we stop the ego and the accepted fear/inferiority/powerlessness and accept ourselves as life in self-worth, self-dignity, self-respect.

I commit myself to giving me back to me, taking back the power I've been abdicating to the mind of conditioned thoughts, feelings and emotions - and being the One that love, being the One that give, being the One that stands as the self-directive power of actual evolution.

I commit myself to Giving to myself the gift of Life, so that I may be a living example of what it means to Give and what it is to Live - so that we may transform our existence from ‘taking’ and ‘wanting’ to an existence of Living and Giving; from ‘lack’ and ‘powerlessness’ to Self-Fulfilment and actual power as Life.

I commit myself to discovering what power as life really is and entails, so that I may live that power as myself and walk as a living example of how self-empowerment as life in equality and oneness can make an actual difference in our existence and our world - through taking the responsibility to change and reform the laws of our being, the agreements of our coexistence into agreements that are based on the principle of what is best for all life, and thus within this stopping the enslavement of mental polarity once and for all and establishing oneness and equality of life in all possible ways, for all; so that all may realize equal power and equal responsibility, so that we may through common sense on Earth as our common ground with a Life as our common interest: give equal access, equal wealth and equal freedom to all, in the realization that the value of life is life and therefore all life must be equally supported.

I commit myself to changing the systems /agreements /laws of our existence into such that will support all life equally in all possible ways.

I commit myself to walking myself out of the mind of ego as self-consciousness and into life as who I really am; walking in self-awareness as life and accepting the gift of life through practically living self-empowerment and self-responsibility and no longer accepting ideas of 'inferiority', 'powerlessness', 'helplessness', but instead taking full responsibility for myself and for the solution to my existence, by living the solution as who I am.

And so I commit myself to becoming the solution I want to see in the world, giving what I'd like to receive, and placing the interest of LIFE as the highest priority - because the interest of life is in fact that which will be best for me, that which will actually support me in shedding the layers of limitation and breaking free from the shackles of the mind.

And so I commit myself to transforming self-interest into life-interest, as I align myself to life, as life; as I redefine 'self' to be equal to life and not the mind, thus I redefine 'self' to be equal to and one with ALL instead of being only equal to and one with the conditioned delusion of self as created through this world as ego in separation from life.

I commit myself to stopping my separation from life.
I commit myself to stopping my separation from myself - and to no longer seek 'salvation', 'solution' or 'resolution' in separation from myself; but to accept myself as the One, the origin, the cause and effect of my existence and thus live and apply the realization that only I can stand-up for myself, only I can make a difference to my reality, only I can take responsibility for me.

I commit myself to no longer allow within myself the bipolar patterns of ego to play out - and to stop myself from following and believing the experience induced by such bipolar patterns; as I realize that such automated reactions are the result of the systems of this world and my acceptance thereof;
So I stop accepting and allowing such systems of separation and abuse to exist within me, I stop accepting and allowing myself to exist through and as such systems - and I commit myself to un-covering myself from the layers of systems I have made myself subject to, dis-covering myself as life and freeing myself from this imposed and accepted self-imprisonment through self-will, self-honesty and self-directive power in self-acceptance as life, as the origin of my existence, as the cause and effect of my beingness.



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Bella
Posts: 1708
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 13:07

Re: Bella's Journey to Life

Post by Bella »

Bella's Journey to Life Day 15: Self-Degradation and Standing Up from the Pit of Regret

Self-abuse has many forms.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I am too fucked-up.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I am a horrible person.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project these thoughts onto my relationship and create the idea that the partner is 'too good for me', manifesting the fear of my relationship failing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to measure my self-worth in relation to relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'unworthy' if I cannot have a functioning relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place worth in relationships and separate myself from 'worth' - wherein I create a desire for relationships thinking that I will be 'worthy' when another tells me I am worthy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to form relationships from the starting-point of desire, which by very definition implies projection, separation, delusion.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to measure myself based on whether or not and how I have a relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I hate myself because I am not living up to my actual real desire: which is to live and expand and allow others to expand equally - within self-fulfilment as life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I hate myself because I have inflicted pain to those I love as I gave in to the fear of losing them; and thus I have not really allowed myself to intimately, truly get to know myself and another beyond fear, beyond the existence of self-consciousness that is constantly busy with ‘fearing loss' and ‘maintaining control'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the reason for experiencing hatred and loathing and pain and anger within myself: is because I am doing it to myself and from that I am doing it to my world, and from there I begin to hate myself as I see what I am doing, what I am allowing, what I am accepting within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the excruciating pain for not treating others as I would like to be treated - cannot be forgiven.

I forgive myself for thinking and believing that I am not worthy of forgiveness. Within this I realize that such thoughts emerge from the mind as self-consciousness - it seems I am a consciousness that is addicted to the 'negative', 'suffering', 'pain'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to support suffering and the real negative of this world through accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the 'negative' of the mind. I realize that it is me as ego as self-consciousness that is abusing this energy to feed on.

So the question is: Who am I as a being? Who am I as life? What will it take to stop the self-abuse, stop the back-chat, stop the mind from feeding off of the life of me?

It will take all of me, as the will of life.

I commit myself to 'saving' myself.

I commit myself to picking myself up from the atrocious creation of my self-consciousness, embracing it, amalgamating with it in the realization that I am it, I have become it, therefore it is I that can change it.

Stop the inner wars, inner conversations, the inner race. Breathe. You are the one that has had enough of abusing itself. I am the one that has had enough of abusing myself. I've had enough of creating bullshit. I've had enough of eating bullshit. I am not willing to accept others as less than who they really are - so why am I accepting less from me than who I really am as life?!

I commit myself to stopping the regret, and stopping the backchat that tries to tell me "it’s too late" or "you’re too fucked-up" or "it’s not worth it".

I commit myself to stopping self-degradation the moment I see a thought or emotion wanting to automatically come up to validate a perception of ‘worthlessness’ or ‘inferiority’.

I commit myself to stopping the cycles of abuse within myself, stopping the division within myself, and working WITH the mind to amalgamate into a physical-living being that stands as One in self-equality.

I commit myself to valuing myself as life.

I commit myself to accepting myself as worthy.

I commit myself to standing up within myself and becoming an example of the value of life – becoming the solution I want to see in my world.



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