Bella's Journey to Life Day 14: Fear and Loathing through Self-Victimization
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see and realize that within victimizing myself, I am abdicating my power and my responsibility and actually implying that I am 'less than' that which I am ‘blaming’ and 'less than' that which I expect to ‘save’ me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that blaming is a form of self-abdication, wherein we make others responsible for how we feel and what we experience within ourselves.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that what I am experiencing within myself: I am creating or have created through the accumulation of all that which I've accepted and allowed throughout time - therefore I am always only faced with my own creation, my own consequences, myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the hate I am experiencing is the result of accepted self-victimization; and that this is revealing to me that I am both the 'abuser' and the 'abused' - I am doing it to myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for how I experience myself - instead of realizing that what I am experiencing is not really real, but only real from the perspective that I am living it, it is my creation, created through the interpretations of my perceptions, the implied definitions I have accepted and the value-judgments I have allowed myself to believe-in about myself and my world.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in division within myself - wherein one part of me is the 'abuser', the 'nasty one', the 'hater'; and the other part of me is the 'abused', the 'victim', the 'sorry one'; Instead of realizing that I am only doing this to myself, and in fact not only to myself but also to my world.
Within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that through accepting myself to exist in/as such pattern, externalized in behavior, I am being an example of the very system we are all trapped within as the bipolar ways of the world and thus supporting the very system that binds us, the very existence of separation, abuse and exploitation as we see it in the world as we know it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as ego within self-victimization.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see and realize that ego exists not only as 'superiority' and 'domination' but also as 'inferiority' and 'victimization' - because in both cases it's all about "me, me, me" and within that, I am so preoccupied with "me" as the energy-body of conditioned thoughts, feelings and emotions, that I fail to see what is really going on around me, who others really are or what I am actually manifesting and supporting within this world.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exert my self-loathing and hate onto others, projecting my inner into the outer and waiting for something in the outer to 'change', or to 'save' me, to give me an impulse of 'change' or 'salvation' - instead of me bringing the point back to self in full self-responsibility and realizing: I am the origin of it all, I am the starting-point of my existence, I am the cause and effect.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that my existence is and will be formed according to my starting-point, whether through what I ‘unconsciously’ follow and allow or through self-directive will in awareness; and that as long as my starting-point is one of ego (whether in perceived 'superiority' or in and accepted 'inferiority') I am creating an experience of ego and supporting a world of ego, instead of giving myself and others the chance to stand-up as life and live in freedom from fear, to expand and express in self-dignity, self-empowerment, self-respect.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear of loss; wherein I fear losing that which I perceive I have, possess or own - instead of realizing that I own nothing, I possess nothing, because that which can be ‘lost’ is not real in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be possessed by my own consciousness in polarity, to be owned by ego - instead of realizing that the fear of loss is based in a mind-reality that is not in fact real, but only the creation of my consciousness.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that consciousness as the conditioned mind/ego we all have come to exist within and as: is set to 'win' and 'own' and 'possess' - and within that we can actually see that for this to be that way, the accepted starting-point of self-consciousness as ego must be fear and the perception of 'lack', 'powerlessness', 'inFeariority' - otherwise it would not exist within a constant race to 'gain', 'get', become 'more', 'higher', 'better' and ultimately 'win' the race. But what is it racing against...?
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that consciousness as the conditioned mind consciousness/ego we all have come to exist within and as: is set to 'win' and 'own' and 'possess' - and within this we can see the obvious fact that the mind is not life, as life is never about 'winning', 'possessing' or 'owning'. Rather, life is about Living, life is about Giving, because to Live we must in fact Give to ourselves Life, Give to ourselves the gift of Life in self-awareness as life in oneness and equality, realizing that what we do to ourselves we do to everyone and everything else, and what we deny to ourselves we deny to everyone and everything else; and therefore we must start with Giving ourselves to ourselves, forGiving ourselves, Giving ourselves back the power to stand-up and direct ourselves into living-solutions of integrity in self-responsibility and self-respect.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose self-respect while expecting respect from others.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to Give to me what I expect others to give to me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be the One - the One to pick myself up, the One to 'save' me, the One to embrace me, the One to care for me, the One to guide me in self-honesty and practical common sense.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and leave myself alone; to abandon myself in the claws of the mind as consciousness as ego which makes it all about "me, me, me"; but this me is not really the real me, it is the embodiment of the ideas, value-judgments, perceptions and reactions I have accumulated ABOUT myself throughout my time in this world system, wherein I have allowed the system to determine and define 'who I am' and what my apparent 'worth' is - instead of me being the directive-principle that determines who I am through first of all accepting myself here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within nastiness and spitefulness against my world, thinking and believing and perceiving that it is the world's fault that I am who I am and that I experience myself the way I do -
instead of realizing that I have equally played a role throughout my life in creating and manifesting "me" as who I am and how I experience myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust anything that automatically comes-up within me as a thought, emotion, feeling or experience/perception - because the very nature of automation implies preprogramming, and therefore what comes up within me automatically without me directing it: is obviously but the conditioned consciousness of "me" as I have allowed myself to be 'formed' and 'informed' within and through this world system, through my participation in all the contexts of my world: family, friends, school, job, money-system, sex-system.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that we are all products of the relationships we have been exposed to, and that therefore the ways of the world as the bipolar abuse-patterns we are facing are the result of who each one is and how we exist with each-other; and that as long as we continue existing in polarity, swinging from 'winning' to 'losing' as mental concepts and acting out from 'the abuser' to 'the abused' as manifested outflows of our accepted concepts of mind: we are enslaving ourselves and each-other to eternal damnation within the cycles of abuse that is this world, that are our relationships wherever we look, that is the denied truth of our beingness that will not/ cannot change unless we recognize our role within the whole and stand-up to stop the abuse within ourselves and our relationships through self-responsibility and self-dignity as life.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that to stop the accepted patterns of abuse, we have to stop the polarity within self - because abuse only exists where there is no equality and oneness.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that self is always the origin and therefore if I want others and my world to change: I must change.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that there is only one actual choice that is real: to create or to be created; to live or to be lived; to stand-up or to go under; to take self-responsibility or to remain the victim of this existence; to be the directive-principle of change and transformation and actual evolution or to remain an observer only and allow 'the world' to determine the future which in that case will be a future of consequences based on my acceptances and allowances and the fact that I did not stand-up to make a difference within myself and my world.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is others that must make a difference and that I cannot make a difference - instead of realizing that such self-annihilating ideas only come as a form of self-sabotage through the self-consciousness, because consciousness as ego can only exist through friction and conflict and thus it needs the polarity to create friction from which to draw its energy of survival, of war, of competition so that it can maintain its 'fight' against everything and everyone else in its pursuit to 'win' - even if that 'winning' means to 'prove' to the being it inhabits that it is apparently 'worthless', 'powerless', 'unable' or 'inadequate'.
Because it's not only those that are 'arrogant' and trapped within delusions of 'grandeur' and 'superiority' that are trapped within ego as ego - it is also those that give in to delusions of self-pity in accepted 'victim-hood', 'powerlessness' and 'unworthiness'.
This shows clearly the true nature of consciousness and how it functions and operates within polarity - and how we are trapped in polarity patterns within ourselves, enslaving ourselves and each-other.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive my world as a prison and to perceive my relationships as a prison and to perceive my body as prison, when it is clear and obvious that I as the mind consciousness as ego is the actual prison that constricts and deforms the body and abuses the relationships with others and manifests the world as we know it, where we exploit and consume life as we mine energy to feed the mind - instead of feeding life and nurturing life as ourselves and each-other in dignity and practical common sense.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize self-equality and oneness and accept myself as the origin of my reality, the law of my being.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize and recognize that I have become the victim of the very laws I have accepted and/or created within myself and have imposed into my world and my reality - and that once I see and acknowledge this, I can no longer deny that I do have the power to make the actual choice: of either accepting and allowing the preprogrammed laws of my being that were created through my ignorance and self-abdication to determine my existence and my reality OR standing-up within myself to change the laws of my being into practical applications that will support me as LIFE in oneness and equality, and not the "me" of the mind in separation and degradation.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that we are all enslaved to the 'agreements' we make either explicitly or implicitly - and that currently this world, this existence, is subject to and victim to the silent agreements we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist within and that we can see in all our personal relationships as well as the relationships of the world systems.
I commit myself to changing the laws of my being into practical applications of oneness and equality as LIFE so that I may support myself and Life, so that I may support Life as who we all really are beneath the masks of self-consciousness, beneath the concepts of separation, beneath the cages of ego.
I commit myself to an agreement with myself: to no longer accept the automated ways of this world, the automated ways of myself - but to investigate the root of evil as consciousness and understand the laws it is based on; to take responsibility to change the laws of consciousness into laws of awareness as life, so as to bring forth an existence of life where all life is supported and where we can finally put an end to separation, abuse, fear and exploitation. This I start with myself.
I commit myself to stopping the inherent fear as I realize it is a construct of the system and exists only to ‘justify’ our separation and accepted ‘powerlessness’ so that the system can prevail and keep on feeding off of life like a vampire.
I commit myself to stopping myself from feeding off on energy, realizing that what I require is simply the breath and myself in awareness as life.
I commit myself to stopping self-victimization and self-abdication; stopping the existence of myself as "me" as ego; and standing-up in self-responsibility as life to be the ONE that makes a difference.
I commit myself to making a difference in my life in a way that will in fact support me in expanding, expressing and freeing myself from the self-imprisonment of the mind - so that I may be a living example of what is possible in our world and our relationships once we stop the ego and the accepted fear/inferiority/powerlessness and accept ourselves as life in self-worth, self-dignity, self-respect.
I commit myself to giving me back to me, taking back the power I've been abdicating to the mind of conditioned thoughts, feelings and emotions - and being the One that love, being the One that give, being the One that stands as the self-directive power of actual evolution.
I commit myself to Giving to myself the gift of Life, so that I may be a living example of what it means to Give and what it is to Live - so that we may transform our existence from ‘taking’ and ‘wanting’ to an existence of Living and Giving; from ‘lack’ and ‘powerlessness’ to Self-Fulfilment and actual power as Life.
I commit myself to discovering what power as life really is and entails, so that I may live that power as myself and walk as a living example of how self-empowerment as life in equality and oneness can make an actual difference in our existence and our world - through taking the responsibility to change and reform the laws of our being, the agreements of our coexistence into agreements that are based on the principle of what is best for all life, and thus within this stopping the enslavement of mental polarity once and for all and establishing oneness and equality of life in all possible ways, for all; so that all may realize equal power and equal responsibility, so that we may through common sense on Earth as our common ground with a Life as our common interest: give equal access, equal wealth and equal freedom to all, in the realization that the value of life is life and therefore all life must be equally supported.
I commit myself to changing the systems /agreements /laws of our existence into such that will support all life equally in all possible ways.
I commit myself to walking myself out of the mind of ego as self-consciousness and into life as who I really am; walking in self-awareness as life and accepting the gift of life through practically living self-empowerment and self-responsibility and no longer accepting ideas of 'inferiority', 'powerlessness', 'helplessness', but instead taking full responsibility for myself and for the solution to my existence, by living the solution as who I am.
And so I commit myself to becoming the solution I want to see in the world, giving what I'd like to receive, and placing the interest of LIFE as the highest priority - because the interest of life is in fact that which will be best for me, that which will actually support me in shedding the layers of limitation and breaking free from the shackles of the mind.
And so I commit myself to transforming self-interest into life-interest, as I align myself to life, as life; as I redefine 'self' to be equal to life and not the mind, thus I redefine 'self' to be equal to and one with ALL instead of being only equal to and one with the conditioned delusion of self as created through this world as ego in separation from life.
I commit myself to stopping my separation from life.
I commit myself to stopping my separation from myself - and to no longer seek 'salvation', 'solution' or 'resolution' in separation from myself; but to accept myself as the One, the origin, the cause and effect of my existence and thus live and apply the realization that only I can stand-up for myself, only I can make a difference to my reality, only I can take responsibility for me.
I commit myself to no longer allow within myself the bipolar patterns of ego to play out - and to stop myself from following and believing the experience induced by such bipolar patterns; as I realize that such automated reactions are the result of the systems of this world and my acceptance thereof;
So I stop accepting and allowing such systems of separation and abuse to exist within me, I stop accepting and allowing myself to exist through and as such systems - and I commit myself to un-covering myself from the layers of systems I have made myself subject to, dis-covering myself as life and freeing myself from this imposed and accepted self-imprisonment through self-will, self-honesty and self-directive power in self-acceptance as life, as the origin of my existence, as the cause and effect of my beingness.