Bella's Journey to Life Day 23: A Fugitive of my Own | Considerations of a Self-Exile in Self-Imprisonment
I've been watching the series The Firm, and I find it activates the point of 'fugitive' running from a threat, having no stable home - it is a restless feeling of being always on the run.
I recently moved to a new place - and as most of the times, it feels like being a guest. Now how do I define 'guest'? It's someone who is under the auspices of the home-owners, someone who does not have equal rights/responsibilities/access but must submit to the instructions of the home-owner and honor the host with a sense of obligation.
Looking at this, I’d say the key words here are: 'equal', 'access', 'owner', ‘obligation’.
It’s as if one has to ‘earn the right’ to be here, and when that ‘right’ is given, one is obliged to the giver. Fascinatingly enough this pattern is how the whole world-system / money-system is constructed to operate, where people have to apparently ‘earn their right’ to be part of the system and when they do, they feel ‘obliged’ to serve the system as a form of being ‘grateful’ that the system is giving them a home, a place in this world.
Furthermore, what I’m seeing within this is an accepted ‘inferiority’ and value being placed within 'access' and 'owner', whereby the owner has direct and unquestionable access to a stable home and therefore a form of ‘power’, which I’ve perceived and defined as 'superior' while I in relation to this define myself as 'inferior' as I do not own a house nor have access to a home as an equal part.
One vital point revealed within this, is how we define ourselves in relation to = in comparison to others/the world, and therefore we define ourselves and our self-worth in relation to a system, which makes us equal to a system. We make of ourselves systems within a system, while we fail to see and accept ourselves as life and equal to the value of life. We measure our self-worth on the systems of this world, which implies that we define our self-worth in separation from ourselves as life.
However – within all this, the key question would be: Who defines whether I am /can be an 'equal part? Who defines me as 'inferior'? Who is making the comparison and draws conclusions as value-judgments towards self and others?
Why am I doing so? The answer is in the habit - it is in the past that inhabits me. It is older than I am, it is in the history of my mother, my grandparents, my family. It is in the acceptance of powerlessness and inferiority towards the world that comes from the generations before me, which I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am’ and how I experience myself.
Born into the first (grandparents) and the second (parents) world war, enduring the terror and the uncertainty of the circumstances, growing up with hopes and dreams yet stigmatized through the secrecy and caution the respective parents had to maintain in order to ensure a certain safety for the family, these people have come to accept a certain fate and form certain judgments about the world and themselves; they’ve come to direct blame towards certain things and idolize other things, which is what creates the polarity friction that generates the energy with which to form an attitude towards life and patterns of behaviour that make-up the personality-suit of a being, as the ‘suit’ it wears to suit the conditions of this existence and have a place in this world.
I myself was also born during a war. It was in the summer of 1974 in Cyprus, during a reign of terror and under such confusing circumstances that you didn't know who to trust. Everything happened so fast and people had to leave their homes and run for their lives while bombs fell from the sky, and that is what my parents were busy doing just before I was born. We were fugitives, and we were lucky I suppose that our family was not met with any incidents of torture or rape, nor did we have to report any missing persons like many other families did after the war. My family left their home, lost their house and belongings and had to start over in a new city after the land was divided and it was clear that there is no possibility of returning any time soon. That was 38 years ago.
The safe womb of my mother must have felt not very comfortable while she was in agony for her life and mine, while we were running from the war troops, not knowing whether the next bomb would hit us and signify our end.
It must have been loud, it must have been terrifying, but obviously I have no conscious memories of the time. Only the resonance of an unsettling feeling of being on the run, of never getting home, never settling in and knowing you belong, realizing you don't own anything as everything can be taken away from you at any given moment.
The newly situated family struggled but made it, managed to make a new start and find jobs and work for a rent. My grandmother was politically active and had taken on a responsible position in the fugitive committee of the state, as there was a time where the runaways had to stay in refugee camps until the government was able to accommodate them in specifically prepared parts of the country. We stayed on a refugee camp for a while too, so I guess my grandmother was wanting to help support the refugees out of first-hand experience of what it means to exist in uncertainty, having lost everything, with no support coming from any side that would promise a bright future for the families - mostly children and women, as most men were caught up within the military and political circumstances of the time.
A couple of years ago I found myself out in the streets of Berlin on a new year's eve and it took less than ten minutes for me to decide I don't want to be on the streets - fireworks and party-bombs banging and popping everywhere, the loud noise of which scared the hell out of me and placed me in an experience of threatening danger, so much so that I immediately knew I would not be able to enjoy the night outside, as I was in that moment finding myself in a complete different reality – a resonant deja-vu of a memory I was not even consciously aware of: War.
It is 'fascinating' and sometimes even disheartening for me to see and realize to what extent my perceptual reality and reactions match those of my mother - at least from what I know of her and how I've experienced her throughout my life.
This makes me consider that we should really work on making a difference in this world in terms of stopping history, because history keeps repeating as patterns of consciousness passed on from generation to generation mostly as unconscious resonant imprints, and it is not seldom that fear and hatred and conflict emerge from the unconscious as something that is 'there', something that 'must be right because I feel it in me', without the children having any possibility to relate to what they're experiencing and place it into context so as to make informed decisions and get to a clean slate.
I didn't know why I always had an aversion towards loud places or crowds of people, or why I seemed to fear people altogether, or why I always felt like being on the run and never able to settle and simply ‘be here’, as if I was damned to have no place in the world to call ‘home’. Obviously as without so within: I felt within myself as if I didn’t have the right to exist, I wasn’t accepting myself as ‘being here’, and have instead looked for that acceptance, permission or validation from others.
And as far back as I can remember, that’s how I felt. I've never known it any other way, I've been that since I can remember, it's been 'me'.
I am not saying that is all there is to it. Surely the integration of such 'experience' as 'who I am' and 'who the world is' did require my involvement as well (and that is where the point of self-responsibility comes in), wherein I would have accepted certain circumstances and situations as 'the way things are', where I did not question my reality or my experience, but made conclusions about myself and my world based on the impulses that were already there to in-form me. And so I was becoming a product of my environment, in-formed by my environment about 'who I am' and what 'the world is'. And even though deep inside I knew that something isn’t right, something is seriously wrong, this cannot be it, there must be another way - I found myself fitting in and adjusting to the ways of the world I was faced with, just like any child will do, even if that is done through rebellion or isolation or withdrawal. We find ways to 'cope' in this world, but seldom do we have find ways to LIVE.
What I am saying is that: there is so much we take for granted, there is so much we do not consider about how we came to be who we are, what acceptances and allowances brought us to the currently accepted self-definitions and judgments, how we directly or indirectly validated the resonant experience of ourselves and formed ourselves to be who and what we are today.
And often, when such considerations are made, we tend to blame our forefathers or the world or the system or something out there, and end-up bitter and hard towards life and ultimately towards ourselves. We seldom investigate such points from the starting-point of investigating and understanding ourselves as creators so as to empower ourselves to free ourselves from the chains of the past and be the ones to stop history from repeating, not only for ourselves but for all life, for all children to come.
Now - asking myself 'why' I was born into such an experience with the consequences I am facing within and as myself today, then clearly what I am finding as a 'lesson' for myself is that I have to learn to accept myself, and I must be the one to give myself the 'right' to live, give myself the permission to be here and occupy the space I breathe in, give myself a home as myself as I am here, and stop running - there is nowhere to go, but simply to accept myself Here;
realizing that Here is where I have the directive-power to understand, determine and direct as myself what was and what will be, and what will be is either the repetition of the past or the healing of the past through self forgiveness, to from here create a future in self-dignity, a world where all living beings have equal rights, equal access, equal power, equal opportunities in life - where we don't have to 'earn the right' to be here, we don't have to 'earn' a place in the world, but manage our world as a oneness of equals in a way that it welcomes and supports all living beings equally, as an actual Home should.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself through the resonant experience I came to be faced with as product of this world - not realizing that that is who I am as a product of my environment, but it doesn't have to be who I am forever; that it is not who I am as life, but only who I am as part of a system.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to take responsibility for who I am as part of a system - to investigate how I came to be and experience myself the way I 'know' it, so that I may see and acknowledge where and how I gave direct or indirect permission to be defined as and identify with such experience; realize what acceptances and allowances resulted in me being/becoming what I am today and how I feel about myself and the world; and understand that such experience is the manifested consequence of what I have accepted and allowed of the system and thus it is who I have become as part of the system – and that therefore if I want to change the system I have to take responsibility for the part of the system that I've become to begin with.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my world and others for my experience of myself. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize I have to investigate the patterns that result to my experience, the equations that result to the accepted definitions I’ve come to adopt or create about myself and my world; and to realize that in the end I have in fact created my own experience through my own acceptance and allowance and the fact that I did not consider taking full responsibility for myself and the experience of myself in this world.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in this world, without realizing that I was within this implying and accepting inferiority and powerlessness of myself towards the world, towards the system - and that one is not able to change any point unless one stand equal to and one with it, as it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and change 'who I am' in separation from myself, instead of first accepting and acknowledging the truth of me as what I have become of the system as a system, to from that starting-point of self-equality and oneness stand-up in self-responsibility and change what I see I can change through actualized self-application in real-time as I participate in my physical reality.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that we've been fighting against ourselves, we've been existing in inner conflict and the denial of ourselves for so long - and that it is only through stopping the denial, stopping the conflict, stopping the judgment and separation: that we are able to embrace ourselves as we are here to begin with, to acknowledge what it is we have become equal to and one with as systems within a system, what aspects of history repeating we are representing within our existence: to from within that understanding stand-up and change ourselves equal and one, by placing knowledge and understanding into practical application and becoming the solution we want to see in our world.
I commit myself to investigating, acknowledging and accepting as me all points I dis-cover within myself no matter how ugly or uncomfortable they might be;
and from here I commit myself to stop all judgment, denial and separation within myself, and to instead stand equal to and one with any given point I dis-cover within myself/my participation in my world that is representing a point of dis-comfort and dis-ease as: to from this starting-point of self-acceptance in self-equality and oneness - stand-up and transform that which I see is not supporting me as life, that which I see is only keeping history repeating and me trapped in patterns of unworthiness and misery; into practical living applications that place me equal to who I really am as life and one with the support of all life as the change I want to see in my world.
I commit myself to stopping myself from seeing myself through the eyes of the past, through the eyes of my accepted, adopted and created self-definitions as formed through the limited fuzzy logic of my self-consciousness which is a replica of this world consciousness that is keeping history repeating and manifesting the world as we know it.
I commit myself to stopping myself from seeing myself as a limited and defined system which can be nothing else or which is even damned to exist like that forever; and gifting myself the gift of life, making a definitive and determined decision about who I will be as life and about what I will accept and allow as life and what not.
I commit myself to opening myself up to myself as life so that I may be my own self-support, accepting myself here, giving myself the permission to be here as an equal, and willing myself to stop the accepted limitations and patterns/definitions/play-outs of the past, so that I may live and expand to my utmost potential and within that: bring-forth a world where each and every single being have the freedom to live to their utmost potential.
I commit myself to a new form of parenting where we don’t simply imprint our children with our knowledge and information expecting them to ‘make it’ in this world through power-games, competition and struggle for survival – but instead to reveal to our children what we have learned from the past, the mistakes we made, what we’ve understood about how this reality operates and how we create ourselves and this world through our acceptances and allowances, denial and ignorance; so that we may give ourselves and our children the possibility to make a difference, to stop history from repeating, and to not feel obliged to simply accept what is presented to them in this world as if it were the only way.
I commit myself to stopping the ‘sins of the fathers’ within and as myself, and sharing the realization that we are products of the ‘sins of the fathers’ yet we cannot blame it on them as they had not known any other way; that the patterns of existence based in fear, separation and survival of the fittest is something that was always passed from generation to generation, forming the next generation that was mutating but not evolving, advancing but not progressing, creating knowledge but no solutions –
and therefore it is up to us here and now to stop the ‘sins of the fathers’ within and as ourselves, so that we may show that we ARE able to learn from history through self-honesty, common sense and the acknowledgement of cause and effect, as we do see and experience the consequences of the accepted ‘ways of the world’ within and without.
I commit myself to educating myself and my world about the necessity of accountability, responsibility and self-directive principle, so that we may see, realize and understand that we will either keep blaming others or be the ones to change.
We will either create or be created: We will either create in self-honesty through self-directive power and responsibility OR we will create in ignorance and denial through our acceptances and allowances and the abdication of our responsibility to a god, a system, or some kind of savior to do it for us.
I commit myself to sharing the realization that no one is coming to save us, and no one can do it for us, lest we be slaves; We have to save ourselves, we have to stand-up for ourselves, we have to take self-responsibility for who we are and what the world is, because the world without is showing us what we have accepted and allowed within – How much worse must it get before we stop!
No one can breathe for another, no one can self-realize for another, no one can stand-up for another.
Therefore it is clear: Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, Self-Responsibility is the Key to Freedom, the Key to Life.
Self-Honesty implies the end of self-dishonesty, the end of denial, the end of suppression, the end of separation. It is time we stand equal to and one with the truth of ourselves, as much as it hurts, and realize that we have to Stop blaming, Stop abdicating responsibility, Stop waiting and hoping and dreaming; We have to take responsibility as creators and work with the actuality of reality, work with What is Here, starting with ourselves within, and expanding to our world without.
As above, so below. As within, so without.
It’s time we as humanity place our knowledge into application and take from all knowledge and wisdom only that which can be proven as common sense and lived as best for all – so that we may LIVE it into beingness as ourselves, LIVE it into creation as a new world where the children to come will be free to live and express and expand to their utmost potential.
It’s time we stop accepting life as struggle, and bring forth solutions that will make life FUN – equally for ALL!