Bella's Journey to Life Day 29: Searching for that Feeling ... "And when I get that Feeling..."
In the last couple of weeks I've written about the points of self-definition through others, seeking acceptance and validation, trying to enhance self-worth through external factors - all points boiling down to an accepted 'inferiority' and the 'lack' of self-acceptance and self-worth.
Obviously the solution is always self, and therefore it is to define and determine How self will live self-acceptance and self-worth, while stopping the ‘search’ for ‘validation’ and ‘value-attribution’ from outside oneself.
There is however still this ‘nagging feeling’ within me. And when I look at my life and my 'motive' within approaching any point, and especially relationships, I realize that I am searching for a certain ‘feeling’ – perhaps a ‘feeling’ to neutralize that ‘nagging feeling’...? So this is what I’m starting to investigate now, because I’m realizing that my experience in life has mostly been that ‘nagging feeling’ and anything I would do or engage in would turn out to be ‘just not good enough’ and within that I would see myself as ‘just not good enough’ – but instead of stopping, I would continue, partly consciously and partly unconsciously, searching for that ‘feeling’ that makes it all ‘feel right’
I've written about how the world system in all its units (family-system, education, media, money-system, science etc.) is set up to promulgate a lifestyle where we from the very beginning 'learn' that we have to 'gain' and 'attain' worth/value, that we have to 'earn' our right to life, our right to be here. Just 'being yourself' isn't good enough.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself to such an extent, that I seem to not know how to be myself.
Within this I forgive myself for thinking and believing that there is some 'way' of 'how' to be myself - instead of realizing that this idea is coming from the exact same system/approach/consciousness as I mentioned before: wherein we create the idea/concept that we must 'find' ourselves, 'earn' ourselves, ‘attain’ ourselves, make ourselves 'more' through 'gaining' attributes of 'value' as defined in this world;
Instead of the simple realization that I am Here, therefore I am 'enough'. I am Here, therefore my responsibility is here. I am Here, therefore I must care for myself as life, and naturally within this care for all as life equally.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that this 'me' that I "don't know how to be" has been covered-up with layers of ideas, ideals, images, concepts, mental-, emotional- and behavioral-patterns, judgments and self-definitions: that ‘who I am’ as life is buried underneath all these layers of impulsed, formed, created and manifested consciousness of a mental reality where money is god and self-interest the loyal servant of god, where we interact with each-other based on exactly these layers of in-formation as consciousness that are constructed systematically in a fuzzy-logic based on which we judge each-other and categorize each-other in polarities of 'more than' and 'less than' (just like the current money-system);
And so we exist as capitalists within our own universe - our body – and despite of being a oneness as a body we are not in equality but serve only the self-proclaimed king - the mind - without even effectively caring for or even knowing the whole physical uni-verse that we are in all its parts, dimensions, interconnections, relationships, functions and play-outs.
The solution is self-evidently HERE, it is ME. It is to literally - in actual Living Words - deconstruct the whole system that I've become as a pawn in the greater world-system, forgive the separation I have accepted and allowed within myself and my reality, to literally dis-cover the power of self-equality, self-determination, self-will and self-directive principle in self-honesty and practical common sense;
to then re-create myself in awareness as life, through stopping the accepted patterns of separation and of polarity as the concepts of 'inferiority'-'superiority', 'more than'-'less than', and through applying corrective and dignifying living as who I am, in self-dignity and self-respect.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thought and perception “I don’t know how to be ‘me’...” is in itself a point of self-sabotage wherein self is going into ‘inferiority’ and ‘victim-hood’, and then whining and depressing seems ‘justifiable’, when in fact one is only allowing oneself to cycle in mental-/emotional-patterns of self-victimization and the projection of the solutions in separation from self.
So there is nothing to 'find'.
There is only something to 'give': Life.
So it is to Self For Give and embark on a Journey to Life by standing-up to be and become the self-directive will that changes my existence into a way of life that supports all life as equal, as co-existence.
Back to that ‘Feeling’.
I realize I require to specify and define that ‘feeling’ in its nitty-gritty detail, because in self-honesty I still find myself 'hoping' and 'dreaming' and 'wishing', while I’m experiencing myself as if I'm 'missing' something - and even though it is clear to me that what I'm missing is ME HERE, there still exists an energetic distraction which is so undefined yet so ingrained that it seems to infiltrate the core of my being, influencing my perception, my decisions, my for-give-ness to myself.
What I understand in common sense is that I must GIVE me to me. No one else can do that for me, and if anyone or anything would, I would per implication be 'slave' to that point.
So let me go back to the beginning of my writing. When I look at my life, there is this ‘nagging feeling’ and I perceive there being something 'missing'. It's as if I'm looking for 'fulfilment' - all the while I am here
Why am I not 'enough'?
Who or what determines whether I am 'enough'?
Why do I allow myself to degrade and devalue myself and then to search for 'elevation' and 'value' in external factors, for example in relationships?
Just now my parents, my childhood, and the point of 'the fugitive' popped-up (the latter I wrote about in a previous blog).
There was always this feeling of 'nostalgia' or of 'missing' a 'home'. I don't know why, but I didn't really feel 'at home' in my parents' house. And as a child, I was always as if looking for a way to FEEL AT HOME, to feel 'welcome'. I felt better when I was at friends' houses, and I started looking to spend more and more time in other people's homes. When I was older, I started to look for that 'feeling' in relationships. This made me often stay in relationships that weren't good for me. Another point that pops-up is the dreams I had a young girl. I must have been kind of 'in love' with my father (him being the first man in my life and then the system educating me about relationships and ‘life’ and so on), and when it was clear that my parents did not get along well and were considering a divorce, I said they should divorce (their being together was really horrific) and my secret dream was to then move with my father, as I perceived him to be this stable, calm, humorous and easy-going person. I imagined that life could be much simpler, and I could have both support and freedom, and could finally be carefree and do things and explore things and so on.
So within my design there is this point of external authority as 'support figure' that is supposed to be there to give me structure, stability, trust, and the security and freedom to move/expand. So can it be that I have programmed within my consciousness a rule saying that I cannot have fulfilment without such point of 'authority' or 'structural support' other than myself 'being here for me'?
The other day I was looking at the perception that I did not have a happy childhood – in that moment immediately I had to think about all the suffering and poverty in this world, starvation, famine, crime, war. So, obviously, happy childhood or not – that is not a valid point as it cannot be measured objectively in the context of this world, this reality. It is only a point that defines my self-definition and my perception of 'worth' or 'lack' thereof – which is so for all people, the first years of our lives are not called ‘formative years’ for nothing. Did I perhaps as a child think that I am not loved because my parents couldn't give me love, at least not in the way I defined and wished for love to be? Why was I constantly 'missing' something?
And is this 'something' the same thing that I feel to be 'missing' still today while searching for that 'feeling'?
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge, define and categorize people, situations, options in life: based on my idea of how much or how little they would contribute to me getting closer to 'that feeling'.
Within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that having such perception-filter, I am never actually looking at a person for who they are, or at a situation for what it really is, or at an option in terms of responsibility, growth, self-fulfilment; but only from the starting-point of getting that ‘feeling 'fulfilled' -
so the question to be asked is: Who or what am I living for?
Why am I not the center of myself?
Why am I not 'enough' for me?
Why am I not the one to empower me?
Why am I not the one to give to me what I require?
What equations have I adopted, accepted, allowed or created that tell me I need someone or something to fulfil me, to give me the permission and the support to live, to expand, to accept myself?
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an addiction to a 'feeling' that keeps me preoccupied and distracted and thus not fully here, thus not effective in dealing with the actuality of my reality, in making informed decisions and leading myself to directive steps in my life through which I can truly make a difference in my reality.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into relationships from the starting-point of finding 'completeness' through feeling - instead of realizing that within this I've been creating an energetic-entity out of a relationship: something onto which I would project all my fears and desires, consciously or unconsciously, and would expect it to 'protect' me, 'fulfil' me, 'save' me (from myself?!); as I give it the authority to.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give my authority and my self-directive power away to a separate entity I create as a ‘relationship’ or a ‘partner’, out of the belief that it must exist to complete me because “I am not enough”.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and entertain the perception and idea that “I am not enough”, instead of realizing that such perception is in all ways impulse onto us through all systems of the world and thus perpetuates the ways of the world as dependency creation, consumerism, separation and abuse through inequality.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to GIVE to myself the gift of life, in self-acceptance and self-worth.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the feeling of 'missing something' to define me and determine my self-worth -- instead of realizing and acknowledging that much of how we feel and who become is formed in the formative years of our lives through the impulses of circumstances and conditions we could not choose or foresee or have any influence upon –
yet as grown-ups, within realizing how this world functions and why history just keeps repeating, it is OUR responsibility to dig back and find all that which we've adopted, accepted and allowed to define us that is not in fact supporting us in empowering ourselves and acknowledging our power as life and therefore our responsibility, to FORGIVE all that which we've adopted, accepted and allowed that is in any way a mental or emotional definition undermining our self-equality and oneness and our ability to accept ourselves and stand in self-trust, self-worth and self-respect as equals of life, and let it go once and for all; giving ourselves back the power we’ve abdicated to the system within and without, to finally stand as life and be the ones to make a difference, within and without.
When I look at people being 'happy', I always question it, I become doubtful and suspicious. When I undertake something to make myself 'happy', I question it in the same way.
It occurs to me just now, that I would sometimes get excited about a project, an idea or an undertaking, a course for instance or anything that one can 'do' as a hobby or education - but then I would end-up thinking and believing "it's not worth it", and I can see now why:
It's because I would attach the hope and desire for 'happiness' to that one project/idea/point, then however realizing that nothing external can bring or give you 'happiness' that is real - so I would let it go and at the same I'd feel a certain 'sadness' or 'disappointment' that I wasn't giving it to myself.
The actual sadness is in fact about not giving self to self. Sometimes it was also sadness about not giving myself that project or whatever point it was, because it would've been a possibility for me to express me, for me to do something I enjoy. Yet due to my tendency of projecting the enjoyment, the fulfilment to that point in separation from myself: I was sabotaging myself, and ending-up thinking and believing I can never be happy, fulfilled, complete, content.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there exists only self-fulfilment, and this practically implies the realization that self is life, is all, is equal. Within this - giving self back to self, gifting self with the gift of life as self-will and directive-power: one will live and co-exist in ways that all life is supported.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can never be happy, fulfilled, complete, content - "unless I find that something, there must be something".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define happiness, fulfilment, completeness, content within "something" separate from me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I've in fact created that "something" to exist in some alternate reality as a separate entity which must make me ‘feel’ a certain way, and the more I try to 'reach' it the further away it seems.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have created this idea of a ‘special feeling’ in my childhood already, based on the impulses I had as a child and not knowing how to address or communicate my inner experience with my world, I created a projected alternate reality within my mind where ‘all is fine’ and ‘I am happy’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed memory and past-definition to define me and my life, to determine how I experience and how I value myself, and to direct my choices in life – while I simply ‘follow the feeling’, in spite of the evidence that the more I follow, the further it seems.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that we all have such ‘alternate realities’ in our minds, which is why we do not in fact communicate with each-other but only resonate signals according to our ‘hidden’ desires and fears – and then we look for the ones that will validate our desires and make our fears seem far away; the ones that will resonate similarly and then when we get together, we ‘support’ each-other in our delusions instead of actually supporting ourselves and each-other in self-honesty, assisting ourselves and each-other to wake up and stand up and GET REAL.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the motto ‘follow your heart’ has been used in many ways from all systems of the current system to keep us following our delusions that were formed out of reactions to this system of inequality and deception, and instead of standing up, getting to know the system and how this reality operates to actually change it; we go into reaction and start fighting what is here and creating alternate realities in our minds, not realizing that what is here is the accumulative effect of what we cause as who we are – yet we do not see cause and effect, we only see self-interest within and as our own mind.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in my own creation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed a world where we trap ourselves in our creation – the world – and then fight against it, denying the fact that we are all responsible for this creation and for keeping ourselves and each-other trapped within it as the world as we know it.
...to be continued...
I commit myself to investigate how I trap myself within my own creation, and how I have created perceptions and ideas of ‘inferiority’ and ‘superiority’ – so that I may stop and forgive the self-separation I have accepted and allowed, and remove all that from my consciousness which is part of the delusion with which we sabotage ourselves into ‘powerlessness’ and ‘helplessness’ while we project ‘fulfilment’ and ‘salvation’ into external factors like god, money, sex, relationships, power, fame and other ‘values’ as defined of this world.
I commit myself to restoring the value of life within myself and my reality – so that I may be and become a living example of self-equality and oneness as the directive power to actually make a difference, by taking responsibility for our creation, stopping the deception and abuse that’s been accepted and allowed, and transcend our existence into a living-reality that is best for all life.