Bella's Journey to Life Day 43: The End of Searching - Return to Innocence
Within investigating energetic addiction as that one point each one is 'carrying', 'following', 'looking and yearning for', I am realizing that it's about parts of ourselves we've separated ourselves from and then set out to 'find'.
We don't know 'how to' get there, but we are in everything that we do striving towards 'something', and within that we hold a certain 'attitude' towards life, manifested in how we live, how and why we do things, how we participate in our relationships in our world.
So that One point within each one, projected as energetic feelings of positivity, a future salvation, a revelation, ascension, highest experience, enlightenment, getting home - whatever you may call it – comes undefined and foggy from the depths of our being and is driving each one toward 'out there' to 'seek and find', keeping one hoping and thus waiting, and the more one seek the further away that 'something' seems, or sometimes for fleeting moments it seems so close, yet never Here; because within this whole process of ‘seeking’ and ‘searching’ we get further and further away from the core of our beingness, from ourselves.
The nature of relationships one has throughout one's life, the patterns that play-out within that: can reveal much about that One point. Because it will be the One point that is not allowing one to have relationships of Hereness, giving it your all, living your all, embracing whatever comes up within self with an invitation to tell its story, to unfold, so that self can expand, see, self-realize, forgive and let go, and thus set self free from the conditioned past and get to the self-clarity and self-honesty it requires to start re-creating oneself and one's life, re-defining oneself in self-awareness, making new agreements for one's life as co-existence in this physical reality, making new agreements for one's relationships, this time in full awareness and self-honesty.
Who and how self is toward relationships reveals who and how one is toward oneself within the mind. What one wishes for and expects from a relationship, is what one is 'missing' within and from oneself;
Because we do not learn to fulfil ourselves, to give life to ourselves, to communicate with ourselves in actuality, we do not really get the opportunity to express and unfold ourselves as individual beings and develop self-trust and self-worth as life.
So we do not develop that actuality-based intimate relationship with ourselves that would enable us to have an insight of who we are and how we create ourselves; If we would, we would see what goes on inside our minds, what drives us, how we move within life; what are we allowing to hold us back, what is the nature of our addictions and why, how are we limiting and sabotaging ourselves - we would see, understand and realize how we abdicate our life-authority, first to the systems of the world and then, with growing-up, to the mind consciousness to 'do the job for us'.
And because we are not really the ones 'doing', not the ones moving ourselves, not the ones making our own decisions (the mind consciousness does it for us through our programmed beliefs, our conditioned emotional- and feeling-reactions, our internal conversations and backchat, the images we hold and attach values to, words and definitions that we've given power over us...) -
...because we are not really the ones ‘driving our vehicle’, we are sitting on the back seat and have an autopilot doing most of the job while we follow, and at the same time kind of looking for a better driver 'out there somewhere' or for a 'higher vehicle' or whatever the picture fits.
But we are not realizing that to get what we REALLY are looking for - we have to give it to ourselves, we have to become the driver in absolute certainty, in absolute responsibility, in absolute clarity and, yes, humbleness... equality and oneness, Here, fully, complete: I am Here.
It's only from that actual I am Here as an absolute certainty, a Living Word - only from this starting-point of self-equality and oneness that we are able to actually move ourselves, to direct ourselves, to make decisions, to determine who we are and how we walk this life and why.
The self-realization of I am Here is the ultimate End of searching, is the ultimate 'enlightenment' possible in this physical reality - and the only relevant one to state the obvious.
It's fascinating how people expect, hope and believe that they can be something more in some other reality, the ‘afterlife’, the 'higher realms' or whatever it is one believe in;
But how can we be anything more or higher in any other/higher reality, when we haven’t even gotten to know, understand and realize this one physical reality in all its multidimensions and interconnections, in all cause and effect of its patterns, realizing self within the context of the whole!
So - is this 'endless search' within the mind an addiction?
Is it an energetic projection of ourselves 'out there somewhere'?
Is it a justification to not stand-up and do what it takes to redeem Life Here?
Is it an excuse to keep dreaming, hoping, waiting?
Is it a mechanism of the mind-consciousness system to keep us preoccupied and 'lost' so that consciousness may preserve its authority over and occupation of the physical body as the being (the being that is born into this world as a physical body only, with no conditioned consciousness or preconceived ideas)?
Is it the protection-mechanism of the self-consciousness we have become in our quest to 'understand the world', so that it doesn't have to let go of its knowledge, its definitions, its self-image, its possessions and thus its perceived 'security' and 'safety' of "this is where my place is in this game and everything is okay"?
These are questions we each require to self-honesty answer for ourselves, if we want to get ourselves onto the actual driver seat and be the directive principle of ourselves.
To understand ourselves as the mind we have to look at the existential patterns of ourself that is sitting in the back seat;
to then transform and re-form the mind within and as self-honesty and self-dignity as life.
To understand ourselves as the physical we have to look at the vehicle, the how we move, what moves us, what influence us, how does that mind-control work from the inside out;
to then transform and reform the vehicle as physical living in absolute awareness and self-responsibility as life.
So it's fascinating that the three separate points (the vehicle, the autopilot, the self in the back seat) are actually able to become a one and equal point of/as directive principle.
We can in fact look at how one in fact is all three points: the being, the body, the mind - yet in separation;
where the being is trapped in the mind through the consciousness of this world that the being tunes-into and becomes part of, having separated itself from itself as physical being, and with time the mind as autopilot gets to drive both the being and the physical into more and more separation, suppression, deterioration.
We are the mind-consciousness. It's who and what we become. Yet we are it in unawareness, we are it divided and systematically automated: into conscious, subconscious and unconscious parts of ourselves.
And within that, we become the opposite of life/LIVE which is EVIL: we become beings of self-dishonesty, self-sabotage, self-interest, sneakiness, nastiness, cowardice, arrogance. We are all and everything that we hate, all that we judge and fear, all we despise, all that we spite;
All and everything is Here, within and as ourselves, in little corners of our minds, saved as memories of words, pictures, interpretations and definitions, relationship experiences and our reactions to them, our value-judgements, our conclusions and vows – all of this past determines all of our movements through the conscious, subconscious and unconscious, and maybe that is so because we don’t see, because we do not look.
And whenever things push to come out, there's this self that has become such a coward that all it does is put up a nice face and go "oh no, I am good person, I am okay" - and so self literally only exists as Ego, trying to control all its multiple personalities ranging from 'negative' to 'positive', suppressing and denying the ‘negative’ and superimposing and projecting the ‘positive’ – and within that illusion of control self as Ego becomes ‘comfortably’ numb, especially once one has developed the fuzzy ‘logic’ that apparently explains and justifies one’s existence, acceptances and allowances.
So self is looking for self, but not considering: How can we have the ‘positive’ for real when we deny and suppress the ‘negative’? How can we get something ‘out there’ when we don’t even look right Here?
Why do we seem to not have the courage to bring it all Here, become aware, see, acknowledge and embrace everything as self and then finally 'do something about it'?
Will it take courage to amalgamate, forgive and transform everything of self in self-awareness?
Is it the only way to actual self-realization as life, as creator, as responsible and self-willed individual in the context of this reality?
Is the conditioned energetic experience of each one as self-consciousness going to protest and resist and defend itself and bring up reasons, excuses, justifications why there's other ways to 'get there'?
It's fascinating because it's always gonna be the justification of "my way" that one will 'fall' at, which is the path of defending one's limitations and submitting to the fear of losing what one 'know' or 'who one is', the fear of 'losing control' - when in fact one does not have control, it is the mind-consciousness that has the control and is quite sneaky at that too, because we have completely abdicated our responsibility, our authority, our directive principle to the mind do drive us, to do it for us;
not considered within this however is the nature of the mind as fear in accepted inferiority, existing thus to ‘superiorize’ itself, by 'protecting' the suppression of the physical being; 'protecting' its own self-definition; 'protecting' itself from its own fears; 'protecting' the beliefs, fears, desires the suppressed being as an evolving mind develops; 'protecting' its addictions as the perception of ‘security’, ‘power’ and ‘control’; 'protecting' itself from life which is unexpected, open, all-inclusive; 'protecting' its search for “something out there” - not allowing the being to realize that it is itself that it's looking for, and that THAT self is right HERE.
Within this, it is self-evident that the only place one has any power left as a being, is in the breath, in every moment. That is the window to the physical and out of the mind.
I breathe, therefore I am Here.
I am Here, therefore I breathe.
That is the simplest, yet a vital point of self-realization, self-will, self-movement - because even our breathing has become automated, and not only that, but emotional and mental reaction patterns have the power to alter and affect our breathing, which is also a form of mind-control, and they do so through our own acceptance and allowance: because we are not here, we are not the ones breathing.
Can that be changed?
Is it simple?
Is it is easy?
Is that a valid excuse not to?
Who decides whether it will be easy or not?!
The End of Searching is like the return to innocence.
I am Here. That's it. It is enough. I have me. I am here breathing. I am in this world. How does the world look like? How do things work? What kind of world would I like to live in? How do I make that possible?
The Return to Innocence in fact IS: The end of searching.
So how do one return to innocence?
One walk backwards, throughout all the moments of one's life that impulsed, formed and conditioned who one is today, how one is today, what defines one today, what makes up one's experience of oneself today.
Walking through the matrix of the self-creation that took place in unawareness through the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind due to suppression, denial and separation: one will have to embrace oneself; one will have to allow oneself to see things for what they are; one will have to be humble; one will have to develop and establish self-honesty; one will have to remove the layers that cover-up and veil the core of one's being; one will have to forgive oneself; one will have to in self-will change the patterns of one's practical-living from self-suppression, self-sabotage, submission, separation and self-interest into self-honesty, self-support, self-equality, self-worth and practical common sense.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'protect' and 'justify' my existence of self-separation to not have to face myself and take self-responsibility for the entirety of me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into oblivion by creating relationships of separation and 'searching for' myself 'out there'; 'searching for' that something 'more', 'better', 'higher' that will give me the ultimate-experience of 'completeness' / 'fulfilment'.
Within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I am Here, and thus everything is Here as me, my creation - and thus what I've in fact been looking for and waiting for: is myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into submission and inferiority to such an extent that I've ended-up fearing my own fear, fearing myself, and thus remaining hiding and defending my limitations so that I don't have to face myself in full awareness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as self-consciousness in separation from life to in the image and likeness of this world-consciousness make-up justifications, excuses, reasons why I "cannot stand-up", "why bother", "it's not worth it", "what if...", "it's a risk", "I'm okay", "everything is under control", or "but I still have to...", "I need the experience of...", "I don't feel like it...", "I'm not ready" - etc.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is in MY hands, that I decide: whether through directive principle in self-honestly in full awareness OR through my acceptance and allowance of the unconscious patterns of my conditioned existence which I simply follow as they automatically play-out.
What will it be?
What are we waiting for?
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to make the decision of who I am as an absolute stand, even though I understand that it will take the accumulation of many breaths, breath by breath living the solution as me, within who and how I live, to manifest and establish me as life, as directive-principle, as a self-willed being walking in self-dignity as life;
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that this process can only be walked breath breath - as we cannot do 'more' than what can be done in a moment of breath; and cannot be 'more' than who/what/how we are a moment of breath.
I commit myself to the decision of walking a journey to life as I peel the layers of consciousness that veil my beingness.
I commit myself to walking this process breath by breath, training myself to be the directive-principle of me in every moment of breath.
I commit myself to walking in humbleness as I walk my process of bringing all parts of me Here through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application – so that I may transform all of me into a self-created practical living being that can be an example of self-dignity and integrity as life.
I commit myself to investigating and stopping any and all addictions / energetic projections through which I keep myself preoccupied, distracted and 'not here' - so that I may walk the realization of I am Here and become the authority of me as life, while I piece myself back together - so that I may in fact be Here and free to explore and expand my beingness for the first time.
I commit myself to walking this process of returning to innocence, stopping the accumulation of knowledge and information which is the result of my ‘endless search’ for "something", ‘out there somewhere’ –
so that I may work with, face and direct the knowledge and information I have already accumulated and in-formed myself through, until I re-create myself into a being no longer existing in fear, driven through mind-control from the inside out, no longer participating in power-games due to accepted 'inferiority' and trying go ‘get somewhere’ in an attempt for 'superiority', no longer always looping, trapped in polarity and separation –
so that I stand in self-equality and oneness, live self-expression in self-trust and self-acceptance, and bring forth an equal and one world system that will thus support all life into freedom, dignity and expression – as actual evolution.
I commit myself to showing and demonstrating that all the knowledge and information mankind has accumulated in its search throughout time: has Not brought forth actual solutions for human nature, neither individually nor collectively.
I commit myself to showing and demonstrating that we have not actually evolved or progressed, because we have attempted to do so in separation from ourselves.
I commit myself to showing and demonstrating that we have only evolved our tools and technology which is the externalization of the mind, and our money-system which is the externalization of energy as polarity-consciousness –
but we have not evolved our beingness, we have not evolved our ‘who we are’ and ‘how we exist’, we have not evolved the patterns of our existence/world into a better system that benefits life; because we have compromised our Awareness as Life to Consciousness as System, and have abdicated our authority to systems while we only occupied the back seat/the secret mind of ego, leaving our body and our earth, our very beingness, to the mercy of an autopilot that wasn’t even programmed by ourselves.
I commit myself to investigating, acknowledging and forgiving = taking responsibility for all automated patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as – so that I may set myself free from the mind-control of the conditioned past and re-create myself in self-awareness as life, in equality and oneness.
I commit myself to establishing a self-honest relationship with myself – so that I may transcend the accepted self-separation and allow for the being, the body and the mind to amalgamate as one in self-equality, so that I may see, embrace and direct the entirety of me; so that I may be/become the directive principle of me here, as a self-willed being in this physical existence.
I commit myself to sharing the common sense that each one individually will have to walk this process of ‘changing self’ through self-honesty, self-will, self-forgiveness – before we can start establishing relationships of actual life-support, dignity and respect, which will be an example and the foundation for the establishment of new systems for our world: systems based on the value of life that will thus support all life equally.
I commit myself to sharing the common sense that everything is already Here:
We are already Here as humanity, and all we have to do is put our ego aside and work together as One group: LIFE.
Which is exactly the same process we are walking individually within self:
Realizing I am Here, thus it is to work with all of self in self-equality until I stand Here as ONE actual being: in full awareness, in self-realization as life, as creation, as creator.
Then the actual Journey to Life may begin... But first, let’s return to Innocence.