Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 17: Contact and Regret

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... nd-regret/


(continued from Day 14: Parting Company)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in regret as if I would like to punish me for not being able to get what I want and desire on my terms. From Creation’s Journey to Life: Letting go of Regret.


That relationship:
Did we ever have a conversation about who and what we are as beings in existence? And was it ever possible to reach beyond the bounds of our experience of ourselves reflected in each other?
These would be the post-death questions of regret as I look upon relationships and meetings in which there was no contact.

The realization that I did not get that what I want was just the same as that I did not give that what I wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that moment when I did not give that which I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that moment that I did not share myself without condition of return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that moment when I could not see the presence of another but only me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that moment when I did not dare to see the presence of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that moment that I missed because I was not here, but was instead pre-occupied and distracted in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this regret is my preoccupation in my mind in which I feed this image of myself in and as my history of me, in which there is no other, but only me and me in relationship to me, and in this relationship I am angry with myself that I did not do what I could have done, that I did not seize that moment or recognize that it was real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry with myself that I have accepted and allowed for me and for all others a reality according to my mind in which all beings are strangers to themselves and to each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is real, appropriate, and deserved by me to exert on me within this secret isolation of my relationship to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to recognize that in regret that what I have accepted and allowed within myself is me continuing to dwell within the confines of this system of myself as mind in judgement of myself exerting anger on myself as images of memory.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn from this regret, and change, but that instead I have allowed myself to tolerate regret, to accept it as an outflow of who I am as this belief in which I hide that I am not responsible for who I am and therefore cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in my anger at myself and my regret that I am showing me that ‘Here I require to make a Change’.

Self Correction

When and as I see myself going into this experience of regret, I stop, I breathe, I look at where and how it is I did not stand, I use this anger at myself as my resolve to change. This regret of contactless I change, I commit myself to sharing who I am.

Commitment.
I commit myself to learn from my regrets, I commit myself to a world that Is, that can be changed, a physical reality that can be realigned to what is best for all.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 18: Lost in Space

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... -in-space/

In the mind, nothing real, but only energy. ‘Lost in Space’ I might have called this aspect of the Rotten Fruit, or lost in energy as mind.

Early stages of the rotten fruit from the rotten Tree of Life.

I never considered how I came to be thought in my mind as a child, perhaps I assumed ‘it had always been so’, but the question never arose. Like as in a slow process of integration out of sleep, I woke up one morning and there I was, without such things as questions, yet.

A memory I kept throughout the years is one in which I hide inside a coal-box while my father hunts for me. He is angry because I forgot that he was going to pick me up in his car from school, and I am angry with myself that I forgot. It is as if I have taken his special present to me and dashed it on the floor. Inside this box, in fear, inside this brand new secret mind, I pray to God to save me.

This memory is like a piece of evidence that I myself have saved. Evidence that this me as mind in creation of relationships was already underway. When I say relationships a picture in my mind comes up, a picture of frame-works, structures. Already a relationship of me to god and god to me, god as this benevolence, as this secret consolation, watching me and hearing me from somewhere in the sky, and connected in with god, pictures from Sunday School of Jesus with a child on his lap and children round him, rabbits, animals and flowers and sunny-days. And God a bit sad that he could not help me, but at least he knew that I was there, inside a coal-box in a garden, somewhere down on Earth. And me to God, the victim of fear, in this relationship to fear that I had accepted and allowed, as well the victim of my own forgetfulness and self judged guilt of having been absorbed in day dreams and preoccupations in my mind. I clenched up tight into a ball and longed escape from this reality.

Longing for god to help me to escape from this reality; ‘He knows I am not bad’. In this primary relationship that I have made of me to the world, there is no reality at all, there is this ‘god’ that does not exist, and me as ‘fear’ that does not exist, there is this ‘badness’ that does not exist, there is this longing for something in the future that does not exist; none of it is real, all of it just thought and energy, pictures and beliefs. This is me in the beginnings of an existence here on Earth, in which already I have accepted myself as not here, not real, not life or Earth, but as secret energy relationships in the systems of a mind.

Within ‘He knows I am not bad’, is folded up comparison, another link in this relationship, into which enters my father, who does not know ‘that I am not bad’. In physical reality there is this man, calling out and looking for this child, but I believe in my mind that I have caused these feelings in him, that I have caused this anger which I believe to be real, that I have hurt him by forgetting all about his special gift of picking me up from school. Quite by mistake in this relationship, I have overlooked him and have made him small and I fear the consequence. What I want from him is his affection, and I have put at risk the possibility of that. For me to be the small one here as a child in the lap of jesus in the picture, valued, included, and for him to know, like in my picture of God, that I am Here. And what am I to do to get this reward of his affection, but be ‘good’, not slight him as I fear I’ve done, but be grateful for his favours. I want to manipulate him, to make him how I want him to be towards me, towards me like he is towards my sisters, I do not want to be like one of his troops in his imaginary army which seems to be how he wants to be towards his boys.

In writing about this I realize how I was in a relationship of opposition with my father that in order to get the affection and recognition or his attention so that I could grow and strengthen and become more of who I am, I accepted and allowed that I would have to play this part for him, to fit myself into his imagination, in effect to skip the childhood bit, and ‘just’ ‘be’ a ‘man’. I accepted and allowed myself to play this part to please him, ‘not to rock the boat’ as he would have said. That my duty was towards my family in this ‘voyage’, to not ‘upset’ the others, to not ‘cause’ the stirring of emotion. So gradually as a system of the mind I evolved this secrecy of who I was, believing my expression to be offensive in a way, that it would tend to ‘cause’ reactions.

Well I’ve drifted far ahead from where I started with this memory, from inside a coal box. But I see now that even in these early days of me how this belief that I am responsible for the feelings of others was already accepted and allowed by me within and as my mind. I see now how in my mind I had already formed a relationship with something that was not real, called God, who I had caused in my mind to become sad. I see now how in my mind I had created a reality in which I had ‘made’ my father angry, in which he was ‘hunting’ me down.

Another thing. There is another dimension to this memory as I bring it here; the smell of coal and humid earth, and cobwebs, the smell of creosote, and watery wood. Enjoy. This memory-tag reminds me that even while involved in this insanity, that I am Here.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 19: Yesterday’s Blog

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... days-blog/

Self Forgiveness Statements on points raised in yesterday’s blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am responsible for the reactions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not responsible for my own reactions in me, and to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these reactions, and to believe that these reactions are who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my own reactions in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my own reactions to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow in me the blame of others for their own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my expression can be offensive without the permission acceptance and allowance by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that offense exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take part in a world in which it is accepted and allowed that each is responsible for the others’ feelings and emotions, and I forgive myself that within this I have accepted and allowed a platform of blame and spite and competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief that others are responsible for my thoughts feelings and emotions to justify my manipulation of others to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief that others are responsible for my thoughts feelings and emotions to justify my judgements of others, to justify my blame of others, to justify exertion of my anger towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be use this belief that another is responsible for my feelings by giving myself permission to be hurt or to be effected, so that I can use ‘emotional blackmail’ or in some other way manipulate so that I can win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak because of my belief that I am responsible for the reactions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a world in which each keeps quiet in fear of causing a reaction in the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reactions which do not exist but which I have projected on to an other. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that god exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my feelings and emotions onto a being that does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am causing feelings in a being that does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know what is in the thoughts and feelings of an other, and in a being that does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships with things that do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the thoughts feelings and emotions that are in my mind as if they are real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make relationships out of energy polarities that are in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the relationships that I have created in my mind and to use those relationships to weave a web of relationships and for not allowing myself to see that all of this is based on nothing being just illusions that I have accepted in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the relationships that I have made out of illusions in my mind to define who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an image of who I am out of the relationships that I have created out of illusions in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this image of who I am in my mind is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to make this image of me that I believe I am alive with my experiences of emotions and feelings in the belief that they are real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for recognition in the world and for not allowing myself to see that I am seeking for recognition of this image in my mind of me so that I can charge it up and make it more real and more alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my mind as an image of myself that is made of energy, that I have defined with the relationships that I have made of energy, that I constantly support and feed with experiences of energy, so that I can survive as a system of energy as a mind of energy.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 20: Resonating-I-Stance

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... -i-stance/

Resistance. I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to be within the lie of this belief of me, this resonating-I-stance that cannot live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach out for this memory of me that I have been, and sort to bring it here to represent myself while I am absent, so that I can fool myself that I am real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make-believe this memory of myself as something real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make-believe of me that I am something limited and defined, as something I have found and lost, as something that existed once, as something that has been and so can be, as if I could project this self of me instead of who I am.

All I am is here, this breath, and this breath here is all I am.

And so in this I remember to remind myself to come back here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe for a moment that I do not need this self support of me, and in that moment slipped into some avenue of quantum time as mind and image in which I look to charge myself and increase what I am and add to what I seem to be.

How long is that moment? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the judgement in my mind as me that claims to know how long a moment is, or what is long or short or wide or deep in space, when all I am is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand and realize that what I see allow accept as being ‘a moment’ is measured only by the judgements of my mind.

I commit myself to understand and realize this moment here of self support of me as breath.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 21: Word Abuse

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... ord-abuse/


“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that to write books, chronicles history and autobiographies about how the bubble of the ego is created in words aligned to justify MIND creations so that the ego can live forever in the memory of generations to follow, only perpetuates the feeding frenzy of the mind on the living flesh of body and Earth, like a parasite that can never get enough.”
From Creation’s Journey: Day 24.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form relationships with words in which I ‘like’ their shape or energy or sound and do not look beyond this ‘liking’ that I give them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose these words that I enjoy, to use them in a sentence if I can, in preference to other words, even though, and in fact because their function has become my self-enhancement as an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the meaning of a statement I have made with words aligned to energy, so that I design into it a subtext of ‘appreciation’ as well as understanding. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with words like toys with which I play with my experience of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use communication according to my mind as decoration, as deception, as a device to make me seem like ‘something’, as a device to sell myself as if I am a ‘product’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to recognize my abdication of responsibility in this moment of an ‘impulse’ to write a word.

I commit myself to self forgive the impulse that I show myself with words that ‘come to hand’ as ‘charged’ and ‘wanting to be used’, to investigate specifically the nature of this charge, as represented by this word, exactly how I would as mind enhance this image of myself by using it.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day22: Is there anywhere else to go that’s Real

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... hats-real/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is some reality that I can choose.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that this belief that I can choose amongst realities is the source of all my fears.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that if I can choose between realities, that then I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is somewhere I can go where I do not have to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is not me that I am facing now, but something else.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 23: The feeling/thought of having ‘Got it’.

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... ng-got-it/

A memory comes up of being at school.
At my desk in the math’s room, I have a teacher standing over me behind my right shoulder. He is looking at my work. He asks me to go through the steps I made to get to where I’ve got. The practical tone of his voice puts me at ease. I start at the beginning, which is where I have faltered, so I go into a mumble. He puts his finger on the page. He explains the steps I need to take, and while he speaks, I understand. It seems quite simple. This warmth of feeling comes over me that I get support, individual attention, and the emotions of fear and being trapped alone in my confusion all evaporate. I see in this situation a kind of intimacy, that here is an adult being that actually tunes into my personal dilemma. Within this feel-good, I am listening and following his words and I nod my head as if I get it, and I feel that I am getting it but secretly I am more concerned with the pleasure of this feeling. I like his finger, I notice how he cuts his nails, I like his voice, and I like it that there is suddenly this option in my world of stability and calm. And then I hear him ask me if I get it, and I say yes. I do not know if I get it or not, but I do not want to displease him. As he moves away, my understanding of the work seems to move off with him.

Here I see myself letting go of the task in front of me of learning through absorbing information and integrating it step by step into my body, because I am distracted and pre-occupied with emotion and feeling.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my task of learning by believing in my mind that I already know what it is I learn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in thoughts of understanding in my mind in which I am satisfied by an idea of already ‘knowing’ without ever actually having learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a relationship with a teacher in which I fear that he might find out that I do not understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for my feelings and emotions and my stress in my physical body by accepting and allowing myself to be put at ease by the tonality of a voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed a task when really I have not even focused on what I have before me because I am preoccupied and distracted in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind the thought ‘I understand’ when really I am just resonating with the words I hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for my feelings by accepting and allowing positivity in myself because I get ‘support’ or approval of an other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be trapped by fear, and for not allowing myself to realize that this is me accepting and allowing myself to be overpowered by something that doesn’t even exist.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand that this negativity and positivity is all the same energy that swings one way or another and that it is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity of instruction in my task as an opportunity to be rescued from my own negativity to get into positivity so that I can feel good about myself again, while still putting responsibility for my feelings onto an other, and completely missing the purpose of why I am there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the opportunity of contact with this teacher as an opportunity to have a friend in which I am liked and can then feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for this need I have accepted and allowed to be ‘liked’, resulting in feeling shame about my pleasure in having the teacher stand beside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this thought that comes up in me that ‘I get it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this ‘positive’ feeling of having ‘got it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in school and situations of learning to have become pre-occupied with relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear in the voice of my teacher the possibility of stability and calm and to be attracted to it and effected by it and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that these are qualities which I could give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for lying to my teacher about understanding what it is I have to do, so as not to displease him, so that I can fit into this image of being ‘likeable’ to him, and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that really I am angry with myself that I deceived myself in believing the thought in my mind that ‘I understood’, and I am angry with myself that I am ashamed that I never really checked whether I understood or not because I was more concerned with pleasing him.




I commit myself to oust these constructs in my mind through which I have allowed myself to be so destructive to the process of my learning.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 24: ‘Getting up’ ?

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... etting-up/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how when I slide my leg out of my bed and onto the floor that it is not real that I am ‘getting up’ but that I am stepping into my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have programmed my world as something that I ‘get up’ into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in ‘getting up’ I am stepping into a program that I have accepted and allowed as being ‘the world’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I initiate this program of ‘the world’, that I initiate this program of ‘this has nothing to do with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in ‘getting up’ that I am rewarding myself with this programmed suit of ‘upness’ in which get my hit of positivity in separation to which I am addicted as a system of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in ‘getting up’ that I repeat my vow upon the altar of my heart that I will never see or realize consider imagine or suspect my own hostility towards existence as a whole, or my own repulsiveness that I repeat the pulse of this my starting point into the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in ‘getting up’ that I initiate my spite and that I spit upon the world.

I commit myself to stay within and as my breath when I step into the world.

I commit myself to see and realize and understand in constancy this my connection and responsibility as I step into and touch the world.

I commit myself to realize and understand the consequences of my starting point of who I am both within me and across and through the world.

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 25: Being ‘Notgoodenough’.

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... oodenough/

Being ‘Notgoodenough’, and secretly the Winner. This is a start in opening up a point that has been shrouded, protected by shame, and I see it turning up in instances right through my life, and I recognize it as a central theme. The issues of procrastination, laziness, and regret, that I have explored in previous blogs all seem to fit into this as aspects of this larger system.

Interesting how in absorbing this assessment of self of not being good enough the words should form into a self definition as, ‘I’ ‘Am’ ‘Notgoodenough’. Within that statement of who I am I see and recognize now this energetic ‘I’ of consciousness choosing to become and live within the structure of as Notgoodenough. I have not yet traced this back to a first moment that I said, ok, this is who I am, this is how I am going to get my energy to survive, but I see myself in various settings, standing apart from a group, as ‘Notgoodenough’, the definition written beneath each setting, being ‘Notgoodenough’ at… whatever. So like in this one; here is ‘Notgoodenough’ at, riding a bicycle, in which ‘Notgoodenough’ is not actually riding a bicycle but standing on the edge of the playground watching others riding theirs’. My history looks like a repeated image of self as ‘Notgoodenough’ standing at the side of things.

Negative experiences of this as less-than, regret, self-pity, shame, self anger, self hatred, ruthless self judgement, blame and spite, fear. The self judgement carries positive properties because in viciously devouring myself I am being very ‘good’ at it, rejoicing in self righteousness and hope. Totally engulfed in energetic being, I am standing at the side of god, and right, ‘at the side of’ this being that doesn’t exist, pouring scorn on myself. So in this part of the cycle, how to profit and reap a reward; justify the negative, from I can’t compete as a loser, ‘I could have been a contender’ as regret, I change the definition of the situation in my mind world into, different rules of the game, into ‘I am getting away with it’, ‘I have won because I don’t have to do anything’, and …‘this world has nothing to do with me’.

So through trickery and self deceit I secretly win the competition. In the new position of ‘not having to do anything’, comes the justification of procrastination and the development of laziness, and comes along a retirement from activity and base setting of boredom and soon enough, an energetic refill becomes necessary, entertainment or self flagellation, and back through the paths of regret.
So competition in doing the least, according to the insane rules of this energy system, in which I become the elite, in doing nothing. Self hatred and totally anti self life would exist within the unconscious, bursts of inturned rage with self, stabs of shock fear in momentary consciousness of suppressed images and memories of points of self judgement, self condemnation and self victimhood. Sometimes I would react to one of these stabs by coming to a complete standstill, frozen, a shock of fear that came and went, another chance to self undermine and mine the substance to refuel the cycle. Into where, a medium of excuses and justifications and self manipulations to bring about the positivity and evolution of this self as energy in having won by secret rules.
Looking for loop holes in the law, for the purpose of fulfiilling the needs of self interest within the actual rules of the school system, and so being ‘untouchable’, I see images of myself in school winning by being outrageous; like singing very loudly, off-key, and half a beat or two behind the others, slipping the wrong words into psalms, clapping ridiculously loud and long, or laughing really loud and long at the wrong moments, wearing hair not merely short but cut off altogether, wearing the school uniform, but not as we would know it, playing truant while apparently studying hard in libraries that did not exist, feigning sickness or injury ‘to get out of’ physical activity. The evolution of the artful dodger through the being of ‘Notgoodenough’.

It seems to be supportive for me to make an outline of all these points, get a perspective on these relationships I have made, which fit together in this network. Understanding that the workings of this machinery are limited in nature makes me realize how I can in fact stand up and become one and equal to this system and change it, so I commit myself to change remove this limitation on myself, and move my starting point out of this system of energy as self interest that I have lived and so become.


To be continued…

Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 26: Becoming Notgoodenough (as rotten fruit, Heaven, Creation)

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... oodenough/

That memory of bicycles from the last blog; I took a closer look at it.

I was new at school, I had everything I needed, but I didn’t have a bicycle. The other boys had bicycles and used them all the time. I wrote to my father asking him to send some cash to the school. When I got the letter back, he wrote a paragraph of stuff which meant NO, and the last line of his letter was the one that got me, because, in my mind, this is what I read: “…how can we talk about getting a bike then?” I hooked into that line, to me it meant that my need to get a bicycle was something that had been dismissed, not worth talking about. Then something crashed inside, I was devastated by myself, none of it was real, I had taken in and misread a sentence and twisted it around within my mind as if it were the evidence of the reality that I was projecting. I squinted at these lines through my tears. In my mind I had my hand out but he was not going to throw that lifeline, for some mumbled reason. The fact that this was written on paper seemed like a confirmation of something that I had been only dimly aware of, the way that I had interpreted this sentence was as if it was irritated and terse and rhetorical, and so I received it like a slap in the face. I folded up the paper away from the gaze of those around me and went away before they could see my face. I went up to my bed and sat on it, got the letter out again, but nothing had changed, it was what it was, as I had made it to be. It seemed clear that it was so that ‘I am Notgoodenough’, the belief had been accepted and allowed and it was because of this that there would be no bicycle. My eyes returned to the window, and my thoughts turned to, ‘what now?’ And hope. Like what now in a world in which I am Notgoodenough? The physical reality would be that I would walk while others rode their bikes, but in my mind wherever I went I had become Notgoodenough.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word good to positive energy in my mind, and as a ‘reward’ in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good according to a system in my mind as being this positive energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a system of energy, as Notgoodenough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret being Notgoodenough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change because ‘I am Notgoodenough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energy rewards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek reward for myself through and as my own self definition of ‘I am Notgoodenough’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that living as this word I am living as self judgement

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that living as this word I am living in support of comparison of one life to another in the world in support of a world of conflict, competition and of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon who I am as life to live within and as an energetic system mind reality in support of all systems in spite of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words NOT, GOOD, AND ENOUGH together in a definition of myself of who I am as energy.

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