Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 27: The Mystery

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... e-mystery/

I can see now how the consequences of being ‘notgoodenough’, together with my strategy of secretly bending the rules and redefining the game so that I could get my own reward by winning in my mind, how it spread into my future. Somehow I had manifested a family situation in which all doors were closed or were depleted of reward, and they sank into the background of my days. Later, the memory would become defined within and as my ‘tragedy’, a treasury of blame and regret and negative energy experience.
The practicalities of learning things at school lay somehow out of reach. Taking me as not good enough into the classroom had been disastrous and I withdrew more and more into daydreaming pre-occupation and distraction. The skills I developed were all about getting out of things, and finding ways to twist the rules.
I never once considered what would happen if I managed to slip through school without learning anything, but in my mind within my magic world I was waiting in hope that something would certainly come into bloom and blossom, because my life was ‘special’ and ‘enchanted’. Like my position was somewhere between, Once upon a time… and… They all lived happily ever after.

‘Mystery’ and puzzlement and the pursuit of curiosity became favorite occupations in my mind. I came to see Mystery as the dramatic background of Existence, not realizing that this ‘mystery’ was in my mind as all and everything suppressed and that this ‘mystery’ was energetic, that I was poised between hope and fear, promise and waiting. I did not see that I had turned Life into a ‘mystery’ any more than I could see that I had replaced myself with energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an example in the world of myself as the brutality of self interested consciousness, as the willingness to cheat and swindle, as the hope of finding a shortcut so that I can win, at any cost to anything or others and I commit myself to through writing and self forgiveness and self correction walk out of this energy system step by step that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 28: Within me and without me.

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... ithout-me/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within denial that whatever I do/accept/allow within me – manifests in/as the without as me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to take responsibility for Life on Earth as me, but have acted and behaved so that I can continue to dwell within this illusion of myself as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so preoccupied and distracted within my relationship making processes of energy that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand, “that every moment that I create friction – that friction transform into energy within me, and at the same time resonates its nature within and through substance/existence as me that is my equality and oneness.”

– see Heaven’s Journey 11, and 12 And The secret of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experience of ‘hope’, the experience of ‘superiority’, the experience of ‘love’, the experience of ‘winning’, the experience of ‘righteousness’, that I have become within relationships, the experience ‘of’ myself, ‘towards’, when all the time I have been burning off my own substance so as to generate positive energy for the requirements of a machine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship towards my very own negativity experience of myself as ‘unfortunate’ or ‘tragic’, or ‘caused by others’, and through my preoccupation with that, have not allowed myself to see realize and understand that this negativity experience of myself is not ‘unfortunate’, or ‘tragic’, or a point of blame, but a deliberate and intrinsic function of the system that I have accepted and allowed myself to be, as the down-stroke into the substance of me, through which I create energy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that these energetic values of ‘love’, ’hope’, ’righteousness’,
’winning’, are all justifications of the same positive energy, which is really a required stream of energy for the system to satisfy its basic program to survive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the negativity towards myself as part of this system that I have accepted myself to be ripples into the outer world of who I am as consequence in breath by breath so that I have accepted and allowed for all the world hostility and conflict and abuse, all so that I can keep this experience of me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the positivity towards myself as part of the system who I am, that I have become, means that I accept and allow all righteousness, all hope, all superiority, all competition, all spirituality, all business of white light across the world, all part of the system, so that I can keep within this system as this experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in accepting and allowing myself within and as this energy
that I accept it thus for all across the world as me.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 29: Spite

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... -29-spite/

A TV screen:
Military and religious systems working together as a branch of the same tree of the systems of All United Corporations of Ruthless Self Interest as Free Enterprise:
A cluster of military bases, they control all openings around a land of poverty/extreme abuse. The military support/assist, they open up the gate to an army vehicle with a red cross, dispensing ‘charity’.

What is this that I am accepting and allowing within myself , that we must ‘be humane’ and ‘keep alive’ these beings?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a ‘humanity’ that sees its own nature and yet does nothing to change, because it sees within humanity the belief it can’t be changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a ‘humanity’ that sees it very own nature as being human within the statement that we must only keep them alive and not act immediately to see to it that this situation does not arise again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a ‘humanity’ that sees it very own nature as being human within the statement that I will protect with ruthless violence the rights of all with money to freedom in abuse, I will stand my ground here with a gun across my arms and look into your face, you who get nothing, while in my mind it is all explained and justified, and I forgive myself that this is what I live, I forgive myself that in my life I do not question what I am living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as ‘spite’ as a ‘humanity’ that sees and observes its own nature within being human as spite, and in this being of it as ‘human nature’ putting it beyond question beyond examination, the trump card of justifications in Life as the energy of a game, expressed as spite, as human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself to activate a protective ring of spite that would go to all extremes in order to protect itself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include spite within my insistence of myself within this definition of myself as human nature, and therefore justified, so as to protect my own self interest as a system of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek accommodation for my spite within the relationships I make, so that there should be a place for me as spite, so that always I could act destructively should that become necessary according to the orders of my mind, and so that always I could express this wave of spite as if it were ‘only me’ as human.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see inside myself the spite which I have required in this relationship to me, as human, and so within myself accepted and allowed for all, so as always to have a place for spite as human.

I commit myself to change this humanity that I have accepted and allowed as me as human, as what I have accepted and allowed, I disconnect ‘unchangable’, I take a step of self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within my mind to define myself as this unchangability as me as human that I accepted and allowed myself to protect with spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see unchangability as an image of who I am as human so that I can stay within the system that I have designed to keep it as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this system of spite as self protection as unchangeable to become like an automatic system that becomes fast as lightning in the service of my needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see daily in the world displays of organized spite and never thought to look at how and what for I organize the spite within my mind, towards myself and in allowance towards without myself as all.

I commit myself to within writing self forgiveness and self correction change this ‘humanity’ that I have accepted and allowed within my mind, to understand the purposes and the functions of my own spite in keeping the same the system that I have accepted and allowed as me.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 30: Fear of Spite

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... -of-spite/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to spite, and in defining one within the other so that in fear of spite I am in fear of my own fear.

I forgive myself that in my processes of profiling for relationship I gauge and measure my fear in people according to their availability to spite.

I forgive myself that in my processes of profiling for relationship I seek out ways to justify my spite through the spite of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable within a relationship of spite, to participate in a world in which spite is deemed acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as spite.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see how I project this spite I fear upon the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the spite in all beings so that I can avoid the experience of spite.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how in hiding from myself as spite, I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming possessed by spite, and to fear of others that they may become possessed by spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fear of spite, to fear not being in control within a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fear of spite, to fear being challenged within a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fear of spite, to fear the destruction of the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fear of spite, to fear change in the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this system of energy in which as long as I am getting enough energy out of a relationship then everything should stay as it is, within my own control, within my own definitions of what it is.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 31: The experience of automatic spite machine

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... e-machine/

Where am I to go and what am I to do with and as this glass tube of self context purpose that is stuck upon my head. What am I to do, entangled as I am within and as the purposes of consciousness to just get future energized without comprehension or regard or reference to who I am as Life?

I commit myself to stop this machinery of Energy to which I have given of myself as I to this machinery of Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the automatic spite machine that I have become. I forgive myself that I have agreed that if I pull the trigger then it is a signal that my automatic spite machine will act for me instead of me to protect the authority of me as commander of this energy machine that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an automatic hero reflection of myself that bristles with guns and metals of technology all ready to destroy the world, who says, ‘I am here to help you, to protect who you are in the world as an example of righteousness so that you can keep your freedom to abuse’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a ranking of energy within and as righteousness, an image in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly within myself enjoy this positivity in me as mind machine, the crowning over and over of myself as self elite, surrounded by my loyalty as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one can stop the wheels of war when they begin to turn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wash my hands of my responsibility having pulled the trigger of my spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself within the corridors of my own palace of myself within my mind to have a special button that I can press if all else fails that will cause destruction of the world so that I can win, so that I can be the final word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the energetic joy of victory of spite within ‘who laughs last laughs longest’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through this war there will be a trickle down of positivity experience for me on which to gorge myself within a future in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that this spite is me within and as a tantrum of the mind in which I am convinced in my possession of belief that come what may I will and have to take and take of energy to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see the system of myself writ large across the world in consequence of me throughout all time in consequence as me within and as all systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look upon the actual trigger of my automatic spite machine of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon the actual trigger of my automatic spite machine of me, and not see fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a setting and a limit of this experience of myself within the boundaries of my self deceit, so that I may never come across this question of who am I within this fear of fear?

Who am I within this fear of fear, this self interest within self interest, is there any-me at at all but only energy machine in spite of me as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull the trigger of my spite machine as me to vote confirm and underwrite and sign the reality of fear as me, within this fear as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first believe and then to look upon this fear of fear as me and see only fear, fear for ever everywhere as who I am, and then to pull the trigger of this spite machine to return within the folds of who I am as energy, who and what I stand for in this mind of righteousness belief, and war.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 32: Distractions

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... tractions/


Moving suddenly:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed a sentence in my mind to draw me in and with it as distraction when suddenly I stand up in a negative experience as who I am become to move my body in and as design of thought relationship and structures.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand and face myself within this negative and breathe, and give me space to see the nature of discomfort here, and what it is I show myself, rather than moving out above it all within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something of myself I can avoid, and pass on by, moving swiftly on, and for not allowing myself to see that within this I accept allow deliberate distraction and reaction in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing in myself this ‘moving on towards’ as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or look upon this relationship to myself in which I judged myself and left myself behind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or look upon the nature of this spite towards myself, this willingness to shrink inside myself as something wrong about this being of me within a memory that I did not want to see.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let the moment pass in which I could undo those chains.

Rinsing some plates and cups under a tap.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a commentary in my mind as interpretations into words of my physical sensations through which I seek to repossess myself as energy within relationship to energetic words as energy, and so come to move according to the preferences and directions of my mind.

I forgive myself for throwing a tantrum as my mind to recommit myself again to stay with me as breath and walk these points.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day33: Talking, Walking

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... g-walking/


Entering into conversation, noticing how many words pre-charged, no way through, a maze of reaction, within this me trying to justify, no good, stop and breathe. Just stand here and breathe.

In town, buildings soar into the sky, making like shadowy gorges between them. Interesting how a building claims a piece of the land, and then it has stories, according to money, and stories pile on stories till there is a tower, and each story justifies the story beneath it, and all together occupy this piece of land.
Stories justified by stories justified by stories in this system of money where the ‘streets are paved with gold’ = we’ve turned the ground itself into money.

‘Follow the Money’, a sound strategy for investigators of all crimes and scams, and as the old story goes, investigation tends to flounder as the clues lead closer to the source where all the money is, then the investigator or journalist’s job becomes at risk, and then it becomes acceptable after a phone call for the editor that the story frazzles out and blames and justifications be distributed. Or else if it’s got too hot, eventually the MD steps forth to announce, ‘I am not responsible’, meaning I am not to blame.

Interesting how like an energetic system that all sounds, how it protects itself, maybe because it’s so well known, a kind of play that gets repeated over and over, and also because it’s a reflection of the system of me. The equivalent, inside, of this would be to follow the Energy within my own investigation of myself as all the parts of this. So within the film the dramatic part, going straight to the exciting bit, lol, would be between the story getting dropped and the investigator finding the resolution to go on. That would be the hook for me, that in this moment there lies the only chance for the energy not to be recycled but met, and stopped and realigned.

By a strange path I seem to have picked up on this point of resonation within the symbols of this film.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself as a reaction to the backchat in my mind of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate from resolution as me and then to believe that I have lost it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my own responsibility for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my responsibility in all things is also my freedom to change what I have become.

I commit myself to stand up and realign myself within the principle of what is best for all as what is shown to me in the Equality and Oneness of my physical body as what is shown to me in this physical natural system of this world, as what is shown to me in common sense as best for all.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 34: The Question and How in school I did not learn.

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... not-learn/

How in acceptance and allowance of definitions of me as shown to me by others that I came to validate myself through them and how through that, relationships became dangerous, and backchat conversation came to be a ‘must be heard’, like news flash after news flash in a war.

Emergency in the mind.
School; a teacher in the background, droning on and on about some information stuff. While me in this new world of groups and powers and hierarchies and alliances and underworlds and gossip attempt to draw the lines of how it works and who is me in this.

With me as only me to all relationships, and all relationships containing my validity or non-validity as me, as good enough or not, then all relationships I defined as dangerous as me within the hands of others, and these relationships that I made would require constant attention within distraction and preoccupation in my mind accepting and allowing regulation of the energy of me through shades of fear of loss of me in backchat daydreams float about adrift from me, through the window into a sky of hope and longing, or on a jotter, doodles round and round the endless cycles of the petals of a flower, or triangles that sprouted triangles, or letters made to look 3D.

The substance of this backchat as conversation dialogue, triangles of relationship of me to group or group to me or other to other in reference to me as mental gossip in my mind, and all as energy awareness of and as only energy as me, the fluctuating definitions of myself, according to conditions, sometimes expanding into positivity within a thought of being liked or shrinking negativity within a thought of being not liked, and in being not liked the fear of loss.

Some fears of asking questions came to me amongst the school rooms where I did not learn except the lessons of my mind to me as how to function in the world as simulated life machine for energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me within acceptance and allowance into fear of asking teacher questions, because it might have been something he just said while I was in a daydream thus I forgive myself for fearing exposing that I was not here, and within that fear of this exposure, I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my definition of myself as valid within being ‘good’ in the eyes of the teacher, and through that get cut off from energy reward, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from validation as if that is not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of ridicule and scorn from others if I ask the teacher questions, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ostracized by the group and fear of loss of validation and energy reward from amongst and as the group that I have defined as ‘knowing’ that which I separately did not ‘know’. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of loss because I have separated me from validation that is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish me that I have been in a daydream in which I compare myself to the others and judge myself that there must be something wrong with me. Within this judgement of myself by me I forgive myself that I have lived in shame of me as having something wrong with me, and for seeking to disguise this wrongness that I cannot actually see identify or put a shape to, so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a personality of quietness that does not expose in any way as a strategy of retaining my validity according to the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear being wrong, in which I fear my thinking to be wrong, in which I fear exposing the wrongness for which I have judged myself and allowed it that I am ashamed of that is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear exposing that I have not understood a previous lesson, or that I did not read a book. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate entirely from practical common sense that in a school I am seeking to disguise my lack of understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear that if I get a good response in which I feel the teacher likes me, then I will raise the spite of the group against me in being ‘special’ or being ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear the experience of this triangle as the teacher, the group, and me, in which regardless of what I ask, I believe the result will be that I will experience the spite of the teacher or the spite of the group, or both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of spite in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be effected in myself by the spite of others because I have accepted spite as dangerous and disastrous to the continued validation of myself by others, through which as backchat and through relationship of me to others I get reward of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that if the question that I am asking teacher becomes secondary to the fact of me asking it then what I am asking for is in fact validation of who I am, which is impossible and exposes me on my self dishonest foundations. Therefore I forgive myself in this situation that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of my self dishonesty in asking of an other directly for the validation which I have been unwilling to give myself. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship of reaction as fear to myself as self dishonest, rather than to simply stand up within myself and stop.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 35: Leaning on an Open Door

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... open-door/


How long, maybe 12000 breaths since last I wrote, or is it 12000 pulsations of the same breath, I realize more and more I understand so little of this breath, of who I am. The question of ‘how long’ comes up in my mind as if there might be some stability for mind in measuring the difference between what I remember of myself in yesterday and how I experience myself today.

Like change in who I am towards and as and in responsibility today. This application of responsibility as me: everyday I see it in a different way, like how it applies to something else specifically. I explore a new world that is and always has been how it is because of who I am. In practice though I have not really yet discovered for myself how this applies to everything. And sometimes I forget the principle of this, like leaning on an open door. This ‘leaning’ like a habitual reliance on some part of me that I have not seen has also been my choice, not fixed in non responsibility and blame.

That is what it is that makes yesterday seem so far away. There is such a distance between responsibility of me towards it All in common sense, as something ‘global’, ‘true’ within my mind; and as me towards and in and As this and each and every point I walk as me.

I commit myself to this process in which I accumulate and prove to me responsibility in each specific case as I walk these points of me.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 36: Keep you Head Up (1)

http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.c ... head-up-1/

Today, simply to observe, go down into breath, direct myself to let it breathe, to not be interfering, just to see what happens, in my body, where it goes, and how it moves.

Discomfort in my neck. A knot of tension in the top end of trapezius where the tendons root beneath occipitals, so that contraction elevates the head, raises the nose. A part of my physical body that seems to be directly involved in the process of me shifting into me as mind; this thought of ‘not be interfering’ brings up a point of ‘control’.


‘Keep your head up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep my head up’, as in presenting to myself and to others an image of myself that ‘I can’t be hurt’, and that ‘I am above it all’, and that I am ‘not effected’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reactions inside me, and that I have used a strategy of contraction with the muscles of my neck to cut off from the energy of my body, in an effort to protect myself from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep my head up’, as a method of cutting off from my emotions of rage and spite and anger and for believing and fearing that I might lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ‘I might lose my head’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate and expect that I might lose control, and so have brought about that sometimes I have lost control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have won within believing that ‘you can’t hurt me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost if I show that I’ve been hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost if I show that I have lost control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can be hurt without myself accepting and allowing it to be so. Within this belief I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my spite and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have won by holding onto blame.


More on this one…

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