Day 439: Righteous Fear
Recently in Journeys into the Afterlife, 93, Veno asks: What conditions have we accepted and allowed inside ourselves, our bodies, our lives, that has essentially become our disempowerment, our victimization, our weakness, that is accepting and allowing us to become abused by where we find ourselves, our experiences, who we are instead of rising through it and above it?
It took me a while to absorb and process this question, but in waking up one morning I was looking into a response to it, a vision of a life in which fear of how I was defined in the eyes of others and then fear of the experience in myself as so defined was a dominant condition that I had accepted and allowed.
Approaching things like this in reaction, such as OMG, this is terrible, I am so messed up would be creating out of the discovery of some mechanism that I’d installed as a part of me, a whole dramatic production; fears can be persistent and so much integrated into everyday experience, that bumping into them can just be part of life, just part of the experience I recognize as me, and it can be a bit of a shock to notice them, and from there to see the same reactions everywhere, how often that I have engaged with them, and then to see how much they’ve actually shaped my life, and then to see what might be done to change this shaping that I have accepted and allowed.
And yet also I find dramatic terms quite supportive in my writing, spelling it out large, it helps me see into the details of the construct, or the emotional design,
for example, in paranoiac moments: like in glancing shadows that flit across my mind: seeing in people’s faces, that they’ve changed their mind, regarding me, that they’ve found out something that I’ve said or done, or with people that I believe that I’ve offended in some way, going then behind my back, consciously or unconsciously talking shit about me, to influence in a negative way how people see me and so define me: these are instances in which a fear of how I am defined within the eyes of others, and fear of my own experience in accepting and allowing me to be thus defined, has gradually evolved and elaborated, into for example, reacting to or despising gossip, and then garnering a sort of righteousness from that position.
How such elaborations can eventually create a paranoid reality and form a quiet inner nightmare of a life, seemed clear to me that morning that I mentioned, recently, as I woke up, as if lying comfortable and flat upon the sand, where the sea had drawn away, and what I saw, as I looked sideways across the beach were instances of my life as memories, examples of myself as people meeting on the sand, and in each and every meeting, the foremost questions in my mind were centered on this point of how was I defined by others, and fear of what my experience would therefore be, and as I looked from scene to scene I saw these repeated moments of anxiety or concern, in checking on my current status, and wondering how I stood. What I saw was how much in my inner life this fear had become a personal compass.
And from where I lay comfortable and relaxed, it seemed like a big relief, that all of that was in the past. And so a new question came up in me: Who am I in seeing this for the first time, I do not know this part of me, calm enough within myself to see these points about my life. And as I began my day, I lived a sort of clarity that was new to me. Thanks to what I have absorbed through hearing Marduk’s update on the history and purpose of sleep, and through that, deliberately for the first time resting in myself, the nature of my rest has changed; I have been dreaming more, I have woken with a sense of rejuvenation in my body. And what I realized was, that it wasn’t true - that all of it was in the past - it was like through truly resting in myself in the trust of sleep, I had given me a break in which to see what I was habitually doing in my meetings up with people.
For example, I have a plan to do something and as I look through the steps involved, a ‘snag’ turns up, that would seem to make the plan impossible: or to add a trouble or a difficulty to it, such as asking someone for something, or seeking for assistance: why so difficult, because I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid this fear, that lays disguised within the ‘snag’, even at the cost of giving up on my plan, and then within this pattern I find a way to justify not doing it, finding that I could easily do it later, that it wasn’t important, or find a feeling that confirms that I did not really want to do it in the first place, coming at myself with after the fact type of self manipulations as a salve to bring me back into a compromised okayness.
As shown in Quantum Mind Self Awareness 121 -The fear that what you fear may possibly and probably be right - is a distinct fear: it becomes more intense when you start to actually move and start to take the action that the original fear is undermining, rising up as you approach the door that opens into action and physical reality. Is there a little tempting righteous feeling to be had within listening to this fear: that I am right… a little certainty that if I take this action then I will cause the thing I fear to happen, and then where will I be, having ventured into my own betrayal of myself in spite of my predictions, what I knew for sure within my righteousness, that moving me would lead me to a bad experience. Such dialogue and reasoning are like dramatic bindings that keep one in and as the energy of the mind, and bound into a life experience that is not real.
Something that I see here in this pre-programmed fear that what you fear may possibly and probably be right, together with the belief that it will come about, unless heeded, unless kept secret, or else suppressed - plays an insidious role in even the simple act of asking questions, where asking a question has the potential of opening things up, exposing things, of clarifying a situation, of deepening and expanding one’s awareness - it also through this pre-programming gains a risky quality; that the question itself might trigger and release this fear to manifest in reality – so that within the belief that I might cause my fear to manifest in asking a question plays a role here in me opening this fear up and writing about it – with backchat such as this: What will people think of me if I expose this underlying fear, and how will I then experience myself through this?
Looking at this question I see how loyal I have been within an agreement that I must have made at some time in my life, that I must always automatically accept/believe projected judgements, backchats, and so experience them as well, where accepting and allowing myself to be swept up in the drama of my mind, I have acted so as to avoid such things, so as not to face the fear of this experience.
Opening further this fear of being defined, I look into the nature of fearing causing reactions – where in the nature of emotional reactions, one points the finger, starts into a vicious definition of another being, on a personal level. So looking into that I ask myself about the origins of that fear in my life.
An excursion into my past: moments in which I have believed that I am responsible for causing reactions, that for example, because I’ve done/not done something at school, my teacher has gone into reaction of anger and then into personal mockery: looking at that belief that I am responsible for causing this emotion, I see and understand how I created in myself a fear of causing reactions, as well with other teachers in this school having idiosyncrasies, the actual real cause of their reactions was like an unknown factor, they were unpredictable; but that I was part of it, that it was something personal, something I was doing, that was clear.
What wasn’t clear at all was how to not be causing these reactions: if the cause was in my very nature, it seemed as if there was nothing I could do about it, and then believing that, I was disempowered. I mean: You-Can’t-Change-Human-Nature is one of those root assumptions for building a reality: from the inherited, genetic, or pre-programmed legacy, whatever, the That’s-the-Way-God-Made-Me program: I had not questioned that.
Instead, I felt that me causing these reactions was evidence that I was in my being deeply wrong or bad, and I judged myself in that, in righteousness I stepped away from me and harbored guilt into my being, guilt for being me. From personal attacks coming out of the emotional reactions of my teachers, and eventually of my peers as well, from frequently being used as an example to the others of how not to be, and from my own guilt and judgement of myself, I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the consensus of the immediate world around me: I became quiet and careful and sparing with my words, if I found an opportunity to not be present in a class, then I took it. The practicality of having education shrank into a very minor point in my everyday emotional drama. In fact gradually I found sneaky ways and means to not be present in the school at all, and so avoid these issues.
But staying with the point: the origins of that fear: just how far back to go? Through writing out these points I get an understanding of this fear, as well the simple fear of asking questions, and yet the environment of school is long time past, the environment of lostness in my lack of understanding of myself is also past. Just like Marduk’s update on the processes of Sleep, I need to update my own processes of being awake, remove these old designs that clutter my awakeness. Such as with these ‘snags’ that come up in my plans and my creations: to take them as they come, and recognize the fear that is within them, and name that fear, and so give myself the means with which to deal with it, so that I do not shape my life with instances of stopping, giving up on plans, and getting stuck in patterns in myself, but instead, allow myself to move.