Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 451: Steadfast (2) In the Midst of Life, there is Life

Continuing from Day 450…

From the point of Steadfast coming up as a word to redefine and live, I come to look at now the point within it of seeing me accepting me not making my best effort.

What is my best effort – my personal, honest assessment of Best within me? Just within never having really asked this, I see how much I have relied on a version of best that I’ve defined as if through the eyes of others; and I see that very often in my past ‘do your best’ has meant to me that something less than my own personal best effort would also be acceptable, since what is or is not my best effort is only known to me within my secret mind, so, demonic snigger, there is room here for deception.

In fact do your best has sounded like good news to that cursory or chagrinned part of me that I opened up in the previous post, that part through which now I’m walking, seeing how much I’d sabotaged my opportunity to live Steadfast, I now practice Steadfast in this introspective walk, by going more diligently into the details of that sabotage, and better understanding them.

And looking at that definition in my consciousness that ‘I am not worth the effort, since I cannot change’ I see how much my effort has a secret limit to it, and ‘best’ has really just become a presentation to the world, being used for purposes of deception; so here is this word Best defined as part of me as in this personality within a drabness, not as a living word, but rather with a kind of sourness, or a sneer to it.

What sort of mediocrity do I decree for me in my creation process, applying this word as it stands like this in me to my ‘best’ potential? What could be instead of this, within the nature of this word Best as a living word, as a component of the living principle of Life, and as well a part of me realigned with who I am as Life in the midst of Life?

How to link up Best as defined by me, for me to align with the Best that is defined within the principle of life? Re-establishing for me within myself, the Principle of Life, as Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All: is seeing in my introspection what I have applied of this, or not, in points that come up in me in the moments of the day, in points I upturn in my introspections, hidden aspects of my self; that is how the compass/backbone of this principle stands behind my application of self-forgiveness, stands behind my redefinition process of myself, and of the words through which I live.

Written here, the Principle of Life expressed in words, in words of English Language; translated into symbols I can in my human consciousness understand. But how would it be defined in the words of the language of Life itself? What would be the contents of this word Best for this universal force? Would it even be a word, as such, or a living being in and as itself? What happens within me, being aware that I can as yet not answer such a question, is the opening awareness in myself of how great the force of this word Best might be, and a vision of what Best might be without the limitations I had put on it.

Just playing now for a moment with ‘The Force of Best’: what comes up in me is an image that Mykey described in Redefining Steadfast, it was the image of a ship, an ice-breaker, and a focus on the breaking chunks of ice around the bows. It was that strength, or push or force that he described which really struck me. Here was for me a new addition to an image of a ship that I had previously imagined, where my ship was much about a Steadfastness of keeping straight and upright in a stormy sea, keeping that grip, holding fast; in addition to this for me now was to focus on that force of pushing through, and then not just as the master of the ship, but as the ship itself. That image of the ice breaking apart under the impact of the ship’s bow pushing through serves me here as an image of Steadfast.

Where was such push to come from? Something that I realized when I began to redefine the word Steadfast, when asking me the question, of how I was to even set about it? …was to stay with me in my recognition of the importance of it for me, that within that recognition, to have that push of setting other things aside and give this my immediate full attention.

Exposing characters that I have embodied in my life that have acted as a hindrance to my questioning of me what is actually in fact entailed within this word Best that I have lived, as well as considering what Best might be for Life itself, have all supported me in seeing exactly how and in what way Steadfast might be possible for me, a specific change in me that I can deliberately bring about.

Seeing these foundational beliefs that I have accepted and allowed, that ‘I am not worth the effort’, and also ‘I am not worth caring for’; these have been like unconscious mantras resonating through my life. Being faithful to my judgement of my ‘worth’, I have defined ‘effort’ for my self-support accordingly aligned with these foundations.

So I see here how ‘my best effort’ has also been infected by these mantras, as well as what this word Best would become for me; so in a process of elaborating who I am within and as this disempowerment, when it comes to my self assistance and support, there is no push, well, not none, but less than I could muster. And seeing a glimpse of the actual truth of things, that I am Life in the midst of Life, carried in that glimpse is the importance to me of getting a grip on this, on this life that is actually me, and the importance to me also of my redefining Steadfastness that now I actually need and reach for. So I see here that is in that realization that I initiate that push for who I am within and as that ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word Best as being associated only with the world of comparison and competition. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in judgement of competition and comparison. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider in myself what is Best for me, in how I have defined this word within me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider what Best might mean for me beyond the word of competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am apparently getting away with something when I tell myself that I don’t really have to push myself to really and in fact get something done, and I respond to that belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘getting away with it’ in a positive energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no consequence in this, not seeing how within this that I have strengthened my belief that it doesn’t matter, that who I am within my effort doesn’t matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live the word Best according to my judgements of my worth, that within this I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be limited to my measure of my worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be without the core of me within it; not seeing how I have secretly defined a limit to the effort that I’m making, not seeing how I have defined myself within the limit to the effort that I am willing to make for the sake of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the phrase that anyway, I don’t matter, a form of comfort in the implication that therefore I do not have to have responsibility. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed for responsibility to have a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the phrase, I don’t matter, to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me the statement that whatever I try to do, that it doesn’t matter, that if I feel uncomfortable within myself or if I’m challenged that I can put it all aside until I’m feeling like it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to the feelings that come up in me when I make an effort, that if I’m feeling good with what I’m doing then I continue with it; and that if the feelings
change, then I respond immediately to my belief that anyway this does not matter, and so postpone what I’m doing, even knowing with myself that this is not my best effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own judgements of myself in failure. And that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not make my best effort then that failure that I see will not be real, because then I can come back with, well I wasn’t really trying. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this strategy to be fighting with my mind, to be in argument with parts of me, not seeing how my actions and behaviors are being defined by my fear of my self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I see myself in regard to my own process as being accepting that I do not push myself to walk through points as they present themselves to me in the moments of my day. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me within those judgements definitions of myself as just being weak or tired. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see these basic programs in my mind for what they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a religion in myself in which I feel ok with remaining faithful to my judgements of myself, judgements of my worth, and then feel uncomfortable if I make an effort for myself in disregard of this religion. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice of remaining faithful to this religion by acting on the movements in me that come up in me as feelings.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 452: Steadfast (3) Being Real on Earth

References here, two recordings from a recent Life Review: Being True to Your Self, and Redefining Truth and Self. ... ife-review

When it has become ingrained into the processes of thought – as with me through many years - it’s hard see self judgement in any clear way – subsumed into and as a thing there is then no perspective of it possible – the effect of this, in redefining words to live, is that to take the energy connection from the definition of the word is really difficult; with judgement so ingrained, there are layers formed in which I do not see sometimes how I stand in judgement of judgement itself and so I do not see that my stand as judgement has not changed, and though I recognize points within that were obvious points of judgement of myself, points I can review and deconstruct, forgive, and through doing that I can release some layers and illusions I have lived, there is still an aspect of all of this in which I have felt as if I’m going round in circles.

So it comes as a welcome opening to me in all of this to hear a recent Life Review in which judgement is discussed in ways and terms I never have considered. And here I’d like to share the impact of this Life Review on me, and how it has supported me as I continue on my journey through unraveling the question of Steadfastness for me, because I see how much Steadfast has its roots in how I stand by me, and also how much Steadfastness has not been possible for me while rather than simply standing by and for my self in moments, I have been instead reacting to my own reality. Indeed asking me the question: Can I live with who I am without reacting to me, brought up immediate responses from my body, seeming to confirm for me that the question had been exactly on the point.

So, stepping out of the Judgement is bad or wrong trap, in which the very angle or approach one takes in trying to become a better self, be a better person both towards myself and others, in fact upholds the separation; a perspective of what has happened here is that the word Judgement is so ingrained and integrated into bad and wrong, that it has become impossible to see around it, work with it, work with who I am within it. And yet substituting instead of this word, concept, thought, that is entailed in Judgement, the new perspective that I’m simply standing in reaction to my own reality; for me a door has opened in the sense that I can work with this.

Through writing out the details of the issues that I had with Inconsistency (Day 450) I came to see the point that what developed in my life from seeing myself in absolute as inconsistent in my very nature had been a loss of faith in me, in my decisions, in my commitments to myself, and the point that I explored was how that belief perspective of myself had undermined my willingness to stand in Steadfastness, and I explored the point of how I had then blamed the world for this.

And yet in listening to this Life Review, a new perspective opened up: seeing that inconsistency within my self had actually been a point of honesty, an observation of my own reality; and that interpreting this as a curse or something put on me had been based on the belief that Self itself must be consistent, that seeing the inconsistency in me was showing me that there was something wrong or different about me, compared to others. And so these problems that I gave myself came out of the nature of Judgement that defines one as this or that thing, and in this case seeing the Inconsistency within my Self from one moment to another, I then saw myself as lacking. And seeing Self as something that must always be the same, it was a separation of myself in that therefore I cannot rely on me, cannot have faith in my decisions.

So here a clear example in my life in which I was comparing a definition of self that I believed in, to the self that I observed within reality, and then standing by my elevated perspective of it all, overruling my self honesty. In that a life is what it is that you decide to live, here is then a life in which the decision that’s been made by me is to live in faith with that belief, founded yes on being a better person, but at the expense of my own reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my faith in a projection of myself as being a better person than what I honestly found myself to be, as is, in different moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice to live my projection of a better self consistently, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency within and as living that projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency and faith within and as a projection of a better self, and that I have lived within attempting to impose that self upon my real self that is unpredictable and responds in various ways in different situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the real self of me that is different in different situations is the real self I have to work with in these different moments.

My choice and my decision here is to learn to live Commitment to the Self that is the as is Self of me that is here in the moments of my day, and to learn to disengage myself from the projection of myself that has become so ingrained within my mind. My choice and my decision here is to disengage my faith and my consistency from this projected self and to replant it solidly as a part of my support for who I am and how I am toward my real self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as a reaction to my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this reaction to become ingrained in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life that is in the shadow of my own reactions to me.

I commit myself to bring these realisations and decisions into and as a part of my redefinition of Steadfast, that in Steadfastness I am steadfast in my relationship to who I am and how I respond in moments, to the real me, I am steadfast in my walking of forgiveness of myself, and consistent in support of me, that in seeing myself - as is - I can immediately work with that; a self that maybe out of line, or of accord with Life, a self that I maybe even haven’t ever seen.

“So I started with just that simple definition: staying true to the decision of accepting the difficulty and the challenges that I’m going to be facing in any given moment, and staying true to accepting the difficulty of the challenges - what does that mean – that means that when I’m facing challenging and difficult moments, that’s where I am true to myself, to see it through. To see it through: the difficulties, the challenges, the mess – not judge myself – not react, not think I should be more, better, this or that. It’s not going to help me thinking what I should be or who I should be when I am already something, is it? Just look at who you are, as is, and if you are not happy with what you are seeing, change it.”
Extract from: Being True to Yourself

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness

… So…continuing here with my personal exploration and Redefinition process of the word Steadfast: how I have defined it and how I have stood and stand within and in relation to this word.

What I’ve done so far has mostly been concerned with opening up and clearing, and so understanding, to some extent, my personal difficulties, problems, objections and obstructions to bringing this word into my life, and so through that, making way for me to whole-heartedly engage with Steadfast as part of me. And in that phrase, Whole-Hearted, I see here how the point comes up again of my denial of Steadfastness as me, like a fear of really owning it.

Keeping a grip on seeing this process through is for me the physical exercising of this word in real-time: that seeing of something through, as well as follow-through, they both are qualities of Steadfast that I am now kind practicing in my writing out of me. How I can apply this seeing something through, such as for example, me, through life, is what now I start to open up as well.

Having opened up so many realizations about myself in previous days, and about mistakes that I have made – and how I have then lived the consequence of those mistakes – now, in the course of writing this, I come to a place or part of me - that I have also often accepted and allowed – in which I tell myself that I’ve done enough – that I have released myself from this and that, so why not now just let it be, in this example, let Steadfastness kind of naturally develop… yes, right… hmm… something that I see in this is how I’ve made it all so big, so epic: the elements involved within the picture of the helmsman at the wheel, with who I am as the ship itself, and as the voyage, these components of Steadfast are now kind of looming over me… and though they are blown up large I also see they still have value.

So at this point – which is some days later on – I form a plan to ground myself: I take myself back into that moment in time when Steadfast first came up in me, ‘as a word that I could live’, and I realise now that this was my interpretation of the event; the word came up in me, and in a way I was reacting to it; thinking in my mind, I knew what this was for, and why it was there. I did not consider that a point in my awareness could have been just showing me the simple fact that in that moment, it was a word that I was not living.

…So not a where have you been all my life kind of moment in relation to this word, lol, where then it seemed to pop up from the blue, as I followed that interpretation, but more like: How come I let go of Steadfastness, the steadfastness that is part of me, and how come I made that choice within me of letting go that Steadfastness of me, that then led me into that quagmire in which I was reaching out for something – like a suggestion of a word to live – to help me.

So here, going back along the timeline from that reaching out for strength, I look in to the moment of that choice, that moment when I in fact abandoned Steadfastness as part of me. And I realise that this is not a one-of kind of moment; I recognize it as a place I tend to get to. Often there is a decision and an action in a moment that I know would immediately support me, no big energy involved, it is simply just do this or do that, quite straight-forward; while all the energy that follows has come from my resisting that, making a big deal out of that refusal, and the turmoil that I cause within me in my judgement of the way I am and for passively looking on while I let myself continue into something else instead that is obviously not best for me, or supportive of me.

So now I look at Steadfast more on a smaller scale: the follow-through, the seeing of it through, through the tasks involved, through the individual steps: here is where it is in the small moments, rather than in the epic voyage, that for me the living steadfastness can be more consistent.

Being steadfast in relation to myself would be in simple moments not reacting to my own reality, but rather, remaining steadfast in my unconditional forgiveness of myself, where yes I see the reality of who I am is going into judgement, or irritation with myself, for ‘being the way I am’, for doing this again, or that again, in which what I have accepted and allowed is that there is for me a point, a final straw, a moment in which the reality of me is that I am now in fact not unconditional – or steadfast - any more, I have chosen giving up on me, I am now holding who I am against me, and within that irritation what I see is that yes in fact within and as this stance, self forgiveness is actually useless, meaningless; from self forgiveness as a constant living action, attitude, support for me, what it has become is self forgiveness as an incantation in my mind. And yet not seeing this from within and as my righteousness, or seeing how insubstantial it is, I come to blaming self-forgiveness as being not enough, and then I am looking around for something else that I can do to bring me back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Steadfast, to fear facing that Steadfast exists within me, that I have accepted and allowed within this fear, a deeper fear that in facing this, that I might lose my justification in playing the victim role around the apparent and alleged absence of this word. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to protect, excuse, and hold together a personality that I have lived around this point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both abuse and use this word that represents a living part of me for the sake of the agenda of this victim personality. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘keeping a grip’ within and as energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a fear of letting go of the control that I impose upon myself through and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the steadfastness that is already part of me, in separation from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not see the steadfastness that already is an expression of me, and to then go into a not-knowingness about myself in which I tell myself I do not have it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lacking steadfastness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have made the choice to not be steadfast with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in that the steadfast that I live is not an absolute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in judgement, as superior to the reality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing me within the act of making choices that are not in support of me but are instead choices that support my returning to the ways of mind and consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact within myself that who I am as judgement is who I am within and as a personality of reaction to the reality of me, the me that makes mistakes, that does not learn so quickly, and that who I am within and as judgement is a projection of myself that is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being steadfastly with me in support of me to become instead irritated with me, impatient with me, giving up on me, and within that I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that through my own impatience and irritation with me I take away the space and time from me to see myself for real and for me then to understand the reality that I am seeing, and through that come to understand how I might change myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in judging me that I have not given myself the opportunity to understand myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the steadfastness that is part of my expression to not extend into my relationship with myself as steadfast in my standing with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my steadfastness in standing with me to be conditional.

Through all of these considerations, I open up another question: What has to happen or change in this relationship, for self forgiveness to become constantly the embrace in which both I see myself, as is, and also hold myself, and support myself, in which I come to trust myself to walk with me throughout this process of this journey of my life here on Earth, in a steadfastness in which I stand with me throughout the moments as they come?

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 454: Steadfast (5): Welcome to the Land of Plenty

Sitting with two friends in a café in a local mall, the words, Welcome to the Land of Plenty, printed on a nearby placard, caught my eye; sometimes a word or a line stands out for me, as if being somewhere new within myself, or that I am ready now to receive these words, as simply what they are, and in that they have for me a fresh significance. And so in looking into that, I asked myself, what would Welcome represent for me as a living word, as an expression of Life’s abundance, an unconditional expression/definition of relationship of one being to another, and, would I want that to become a part of me as something that I lived?

And for me the answer to that was obviously Yes I would like to add that into me, and yes I have a place for that, and in fact the place I have for that has opened up in my redefining of the word Steadfast; without seeing clearly for myself the conditional nature of my response to the reality of me, what I had accepted and allowed in that, then this word Welcome may also have remained for me within the shadow of half-heartedness, and this moment in the café in the mall would not have been the same.

The way that words operate and function in the very fundamentals of our definitions of ourselves and so of our experience and of the nature of our lives is something that becomes clear in the Redefinition process; how it was for me in seeing the possibilities of Welcome as a word entwined into my relationship with me was a feeling of expansion in my body, was in the recognition of a gift, a sort of warmth, a quiet joy, and the possibility of letting go of that reluctance that I have in me in sharing who I am with me, and so with others.

A gift: not like bingo, here it is, but like there is something that is specific here that I can work towards developing in a part of me, that was kind of nebulous before. Nebulous: I mean like in relationships with other beings, there are relationships in which you can accept and become used to in some subtle kind of way a constant put down, such as in the example of family politics, where gradually you accept it and then come to allow it as the way things are, and that acceptance and allowance gradually shapes the way you are, you do not see it any more: so also with the relationship with self, reflecting something like that, in which you become used to the abuse of your own self judgements, and you become identified eventually with the perspective of a projected self that is better and superior to the reality of who you really are, and so in that relationship, your actual real self is not a welcome sight when it turns up, so to speak, on the doorstep of your mind, or on the threshold of your projected world reality, and who I am on the receiving end of that is kind of apologetic for being me. And so within and as both parts of this relationship, Welcome comes to have a kind of hollowness about it, it comes with reservations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in reluctance to accept the word Welcome as a living part of me. I commit myself to look into the nature of this reluctance: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchat that I’ve accepted and allowed within it. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to not extend a welcome that is genuine and real. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to secret reservations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out a perspective of myself in which I take offence at who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Welcome to myself as conditional and limited. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing in my sharing of myself, a welcome to this self that I am sharing, a welcome to the world, a welcome to this home of me, and to everything within it.

So in redefining Steadfast, Welcome comes along as a supportive word: when I recognize this moment as it comes up in me, that replay of the programming that I’ve compiled, of who I am within and as personifying Severity and Aloofness, choosing to abandon who I am as Steadfast in my living Self Forgiveness, seeing and understanding what I am accepting of myself in this moment here, understanding the addiction that I have within and as this stance, instead I take responsibility, I commit myself to stop, and breathe and remember how I came to give myself the opportunity of seeing this word Welcome, how it formed a bridge and an opening of the reality within me, how by means of this word Welcome I can look into my relationship with me and see that there’s a different way to be.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 455: Not of Anything that was Already Here

Ref: First Contact – Free Recording ... tal-part-1

Speaking as a witness, Vivienne, in the historic recording that opens the Journeys into the Afterlife series – 1 - First Contact – speaks about the first Dimensional witnesses’ reactions on seeing the opening Portal, in trying to understand what just happened: “…this physical form, this manifested point that was here was something that was not of anything that was already here…”

About that phrase “not of anything that was already here”- it reminded me how much our understanding of everything that happens depends upon our ability to relate it to something that’s already here; how much of what we see and know depends upon connecting to our tapestries of past events, and that sometimes an event such as the opening of the Portal shows us how much and to what extent that we rely on that. For us beings Earth-side something happened here that had no precedent, and being on Earth-side, it had a time and date, a physical location, a physical point in history: we can say that on a certain day in 1998, the Portal opened. And for the first time in our physical history we hear direct accounts of what was being observed of this event from other beings on the other side, from within the other-side dimension.

Something that became clear to me as I listened to this first recording of the series, was to what extent a question suddenly arising in a world that smoothly operated and functioned on the absence of an independent question, first of all gave rise to a wave of fear. This was in the context of submission to the belief that everything was already taken care of and in the hands of higher powers, and yet although amongst the dimensional beings there was a rush of fear, they were also drawn magnetically towards this question erupting in their world, and they dared, in spite of everything that was the foundation of their world, to anyway approach it and look into it: from whence that courage to explore something that was “not of anything that was already here”?

And same for us: to live that courage that is within us; to pause a moment in our tapestry productions, and step back a little from the loom and from our weaving of ourselves as threads that must be always anchored into it: that in truth that panoramic story of our world was ultimately just a story anchored into nothing; it’s grandeur was deceptive, the detail overwhelming, and yet beneath it all a starting-point the same as that belief that reigned in Heaven, that same belief in which we were defined, that belief in which we lost ourselves into a million separations.

Courage: not that courage that is defined in fear, but a courage that’s defined in certainty of self that’s here, that I am here, that in that Isness of myself I can decide for me to pause this tapestry production that I’ve called understanding, and simply listen to and to consider for myself the words being spoken, these words that have no precedent, these words that are describing the outline of a different definition of our being and of our context in and as life here.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 456: Welcome: A Statue of Zero

Sometimes something might catch your eye, yet even so you might still dismiss your own awareness…

Coming from the outskirt hills and into town, I look down from the fly-over, and through the window of an Audi showroom, and see a statue of a zero; just a detail flashing by, something from the edges of the urban landscape, that soon slips out of view, while our vehicle becomes immersed in the interiors, where buildings crowd us in, streets and crossroad lights, and my attention is absorbed by close up things, pedestrians and billboards, a mynah bird, a pot-hole, the antics of a truck in front of us straddling both lanes. And yet I carry in my mind that statue of a zero, undecided whether or not to let it go.

What significance or value had I seen within those words? Looking at it now I see that it was as if what had woken up in me was that part of me, call it say the poet of my youth, who in relationship to words would recognize a movement, or a signature, like a seed of inspiration, seen within plain sight; that in moving me in a certain way, I then took it as a recognition of a hidden key to a different understanding, where back then I would devote myself to an exploration of the chemistry of the words involved, and I would experiment with this seed as if it were a new-found catalyst, see what else might open up around it, see if it might perhaps become a poem, or an opening up of something in a world that seemed so closed.

So in a way contained within that question of whether or not to just let go of what had caught my eye, that seed of ‘A statue of Zero,’ was the question of what to do with this part of me, that I had let recede into the distance of my life, a part of me that was actually still alive and well within me, where in my mind and in my relationship to me, now I see how much I believed that I had superseded it, and overruled it, judged this part of me as immature, almost like as if that parts of me were objects in the landscape of my life that I was passing by, justified and maybe also partly driven by a definition of myself as in being a man, having put away those childish things.

And so yes, I brought it with me, saved it for later on to have a look at, and what I see is changed in me is that the chemistry of words now has other aspects for me; where once I started from a mystery and was satisfied to end in mystery; in which a poem for me was something floating in the air offering a glimpse of greater depth; that in this example of A statue of Zero, where I had picked up on a resonance, where that resonance for me was enough within itself, like seeing for a moment the synchrony of the physical world with words and with my life, and then simply as a child, celebrating that; not seeing that mixed into this resonance were also tones of loss and of regret that seemed to validate a song of life and give it weight; that in the resonance there was a reference to my childish self for whom emotion was the deep reality.

So for myself and for that child, to whom emotion was the deep reality: I bring that part of me to me here now, and live this welcome to this part of me; I give myself the choice of how I am to relate and also to respond, and listen to that childhood story of a world that seemed to me back then to have missed and driven past the point, and left behind a wasteland littered with the fragments of a poem; and so within myself acknowledging this child I bring to me, that rather than reject and leave behind this child, instead I recognize this underlying passion, though it has expressed through anger and regret and self pity, and that I have justified it through a belief of chemistry that came from an acceptance of emotion as the current language of the world; so what I leave behind instead is this relationship with me in which I was reacting to myself and judging me, I forgive myself for standing for a reality that was actually not real, and support instead this primary standing.

I support this part of me that looks out through the window of a car and catches on a Statue of Zero as an expression of myself, as part of me that still shows up in my perceptions, as a seed that can open up into an understanding of a part of me that was unacknowledged, by me, and then became a chapter of my life that seemed in retrospect to be like a wasteland littered with the fragments of a poem.

This is all quite personal and specific: after all, it is my Journey into Life, yet what can happen to a life when that lack of self acknowledgement is projected out upon the world is an aspect of my story here, and what I’m sharing here is also an example of the outplay of a redefinition process of the word Steadfast, and of Welcome as my choice of words to walk as I come to realise to what extent my relationship with me is actually in my hands, and here, my choice to either judge myself and walk away from parts of me or else to welcome me, and in that opening of a welcome, give me space to understand myself, and through that understanding, reunite myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live with an acceptance of a dis-honouring of part of me by me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live acceptance of that.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 457: Exploring Personal

Personal: I’d never really looked at how I had defined, been living out, this word. It seems that I’ve been content with it functioning as assumption, that it was clear, distinct, as a tool with which to draw a line, define a boundary, justify an area of privacy, and yet I see now also how within this it had just a single function, I had not asked the question of who I was alone with me within and as this word; what that actual content was within that was just a vague assumption. A question such as this marks the outset of a journey, not with expectation of an immediate end in the form of an instant answer, but with more instead an exploration of what is it that is contained with the word.

Even since I was a little child, those memories are still there: such as moments in a garden with impressions of a checkered clover lawn, no more or less intimate for me than the feelings of my toes within my socks and in my sandals, or that experience of me quietly within myself while all around the movements of the wind amongst the branches of the trees would come and go, build up and fade away, and then break through again, from a different angle, with a different feeling of the air, a different brushing of a coolness on my arm; and yet still that quietly being within myself experience remains, way back when, and now; that intimate within me and without me overlap where everything both intimately near and deeply far into the world, is reflecting my relationship to me and me to it, where sometimes within the experience of that, there is no boundary. That is how it is sometimes in waking up, with my body stretching out all ways to the horizons of my bed and the even sense of gravity pressing down, defining how the contours of my body rest, and so I enter into specificity.

Describing what is personal in personal experience, I clutch at straws, like as if those straws were movements, movements deep within me, movements I am accustomed to and recognize as me, as an everyday unconscious, with personal as an accepted automation, that personal within things all the time at every moment of the day, unremarked, un-noted, like the being within and as integral to it all, and yet when faced, intangible, lost within the myriad relationships to everything. And yet, not lost: but more, displaced; I mean with clutching at a straw, I clutch a realization, and though that realization remains as yet still undefined, I have it in my grasp, and write it.

The image of a garden gate comes up in me: just a simple gate that opens with a latch. Opening up the world of Personal, I am looking here at an example; at a memory of a quiet moment as I walk along, a moment that I would just normally walk right by the details of; that leaf perhaps, a generous spread of leaf that sways horizontally from its stalk, above its shadow on a patch of grass, just a life besides the gate, an aspect and a passing moment of this local world, through which I tread, reflecting back to me my own reflection, and yet my own reflection is to me, just incidental, while who I am within this isness is focused on a task, I am going to fetch some water. That single footstep in my day, along with all the thousand others that get filtered out of memory, out of record or remark, there is no time in all the world for sharing that. And yet not giving me the time in those small moments to consider who I am and how I am towards and in these things accumulates like a personal unconscious.

Going microscopic further emphasizes this, all those tiny moments of that personal familiarity that go by even in a moment without the question of who I am reflected in this stream of things; they kind of wrap around me and support me, and hold me steady in my world.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 458: Play within Communication

What sort of images come up with the word Play: for me what comes up first are the interactions of children, with each other, with their toys; and then there is the play of Players as free-agents within the structure of a game; theatrical connotations; leisure; entertainment; coming into play, there is the playing out, the playing down, the playing along, the playing up… so much of it to do with games and gamesmanship, activities of ‘leisure’ as opposed to ‘work’, and within ‘work’ defined as a negative, so ‘play’ promoted as a positive.

So like seemingly implied in this, a mass of information about the energies within the word, how it functions in the system, and I was bedazzled by it all, in a kind of righteousness that seeing all this, I already ‘know’ what play is, so what more could I possibly find within it, and in that I did not recognize the resistance that was in me.

But now looking at the word again, this time not as something that ‘I know all about’, am ‘familiar with’, and therefore do not need to redefine it, but instead to see this word in a different way, not as a piece of knowledge and information only, but to see as well that this ‘knowing’ experience, this ‘familiarity’, represents the programming within this word, that I have accepted and allowed, and so come to trust, and that trusting of these programs is the source of confidence with which I tell myself I ‘know’ this word, and therefore do not need to spend more time on it.

How much the potential of a word is, call it crucified – as an image of the life within it, nailed upon the grid lines of the programming – within the ideas and beliefs that seem to fill it out and make it so convincing, so simplified and obvious and everyday, and yet trusting and believing in and following those grid lines only lead back to the starting-point of who I am, as convinced, as knowing, while the potential of the word is overlooked. Or else sometimes like with this, I inadvertently touched on something real, and there’s a reaction in the mind, a withdrawal really, a contraction; the hypnosis levels escalate, with the magnetism of the entertainments, the emergence of distractions even more compelling; all the various scripts that lead to Therefore Take No Action, these are like the roads to Rome.

That’s what happened to me in a way, I looked into the word and it was like a Holy Shit type moment, of seeing something there within the depths of it, and then all of a sudden I was wanting to watch some film, a series, do something else, take a break; and even though I knew that I was in extreme resistance, it did not help; because that relationship to resistance in which recognizing the experience of it, is really just recognizing me in my acceptance of it, that within and as it, I recognize myself as this giving up experience, and then label that ‘resistance.’ So within that I really disempowered myself, and within and as that disempowerment I became just merely witnessing it all. So I watched a film, and took a break and then this morning finally got back to it. Although I let this happen, still there is a steadfast trust in me I am gradually developing, and strengthening; that I will get back to it, that though I still respond to backchat such as you can’t do this, it won’t lead anywhere, it’s a waste of time, it’s kind of wearing thin. So even though I’m swept away and fall within this energy, I do get up again. So yes in redefining words there can be that startling moment in which the ground of the world shifts slightly, and there is a realization that the programs and projections that I’d been living as a word had been so severely limited, and yet at the same time I had experienced as so complete, and that it had been in that experience of completeness that I’d placed my trust.

But anyway what of that Holy Shit type moment? Imagine that you’d spent your days on Earth in front of a TV series, and the word Life had been written plain in every episode you’d seen, like a little picture of some goings-on, until one day you’d looked into this word and suddenly suspected that all the time that little picture had been surrounded by a world, only that world was impossible to see, impossible to grasp because every reference that you had to it was contained within that little picture, within the terms of it, and so what was the residual of that suspicion, but an overwhelming sense of something missing, and what exists within a sense of something missing, but the thing itself, something on the very brink of tangibility, something real, that matters.

That was something like that Holy Shit moment; a fear, that deep within this word Play for me was something of great seriousness, some essential part of me that I had missed, something Real about the way I’d lived this word, and yet not seen: what was it that even in this redefinition process that could have struck such a serious chord, the realization that beneath the programmed surfaces of fun and games, there lay a fact. And when I looked through what I’d written out I realized that the word Trust coming up for me in this context was what it was.

What the word Play represented for me as a child, which was like a creative space, a process of discovery; with my brother I would move from this to that, using whatever was at hand to ply into whatever current story we were living out, or adventure we were in, while an interruption of any kind thrown up by the circumstance of physical reality was simply taken in, adapted to and absorbed into what we were doing. Imagination and action would initiate each other in the service of the present moment, and within all of this there was a natural flexibility. So, creative space, discovery, imagination, invention, action, present, flexibility: words that I may not have known at the time but yet were already like components of what I lived within our Play: as well as this, the Play itself was also communication, and as well, collaboration.

So looking at this memory of childhood play, I could describe it as participating in a collaborative communication dialogue, in which the goal was not a fixture, but constantly changing and shifting according to what had been established in the present moment; it was like an ever branching process of discovery and invention, that was the process that I meant within the words: Let’s play…

And yet writing this and sleeping on it too, I realise as well, that these words discovery, imagination, invention were more like expressions of myself; it was more that in Play I felt free to express these parts of me, so that what defined the play itself was the presence of trust in our communications and our collaborations. This brings up the question for me of how and to what extent later in my life, with the acceptance of this absence I then defined communication itself and lived it thus, or at least had expectations of communication that had no element of play, and then come to see play itself as separate to communication. There is that ripple effect in redefining words because the words are all defined within the matrix of each other.

In a relationship between two friends, where there has been a tiff, the word exchange becomes more formal, guarded, and it takes time to heal that trust that had been simply there before; where there had been those unpredictable creations and discoveries, there are instead, unchallengeable assertions, back-ups, statements of fact, risk assessments, the world of the relationship becomes more stark; instead of being an end within itself, communication now requires a reason, and has a goal and aim, and the words themselves are depended on as programs and projections only. As in the aftermath of the tiff between two friends, where the fabric of communication has been torn, there is that dissonance that interrupted flow, there is no play, that’s like where we fall back on the mind to somehow, create communication, because we’ve lost our way in being it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that communication could still be real in a world in which my trust of me was only tenuous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could somehow get by in a world in which my expression of myself depended on relationships with others, in which I defined my trust of me according to their trust. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disempowered in relationships in which each one’s trust of self depended on the other; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust of me within and as expression of myself was an expendable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my lack of trust for me in expression of myself was something that I could do nothing about, because I did not trust myself, rather than seeing realizing and understanding that trusting me was a thing that I could learn, something I would want to learn for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me in doing something for me in support of me in my lack of trust in me in self expression.

Great support for me in opening up this relationship between Play and Communication has been, Veno, in Wanting to Know before you Start, Journeys into the Afterlife: “And that’s another interesting point to have a look at… in your relationship to your mind, in that blind trust that you have with it, in not really asserting your authority in speaking up and standing up for yourself in your awareness more, in relation to your mind - in what you are going to accept and what not - but to start creating a new trust with yourself, with your awareness. And that new trust is going to come through your application as reality unfolds, as your life and moments open up, by your actions, by your doings: that’s the new trust that you need to start creating. That yes you are not always going to know what is going to open up; you’ve got a general idea, but there is always so much more that will open up both inside yourself and life as you allow it to unfold as fact. Then assess and reassess and adjust as you go. That’s the new way of creation that’s going to happen.” ... fe-part-95

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 459: That Shitty Feeling

By the time I print a finished version of these notes, I hope that I will have made them more ordered, structured, easier to read, easy to understand, principally for me, but for those who read them also; I do not want to give the false impression that this organization is spontaneous, or that this was how it was to start, the form in which it came up in me; in fact I scribbled down different aspects as they came up, different dimensions of the thing, understandings, comments, notes, of the points involved from differing distances and perspectives; my written notes are quite a mess: full of little arrows and crossings out, and asterisks, and square brackets, where my notes were actually about something so completely different that they might be filed beneath the heading of ‘related but at the same time altogether different subjects.’ And so, for example, reading through these scribbled notes, I might now write and underline the heading: ‘This is where it started’, and then another heading: ‘Other things in parallel, or not in parallel at all to this.’ Or ‘Where I thought it came from.’ Or ‘My understanding of this, my analysis of this.’ Or, 'How all of this has shaped my life,' or ‘how I see this gets reflected in the world’… I mean understandings of ourselves, our feelings and emotions, our minds, and of our introspections have all such multiple dimensions, and as the understandings and the revelations surface they do not arrive in linear order, or create between themselves one single point. Over this paragraph itself, I might write: ‘How I supported myself by going through my scribbled sentences and paragraphs, writing headings.’
Often in the process of my writing, I write out and speak self-forgiveness statements: these are not separate from my explorations, or from the progress of my journey; without the tool of self-forgiveness, suppressions cannot simply open, because it is the un-forgiveness or judgement of the self that holds suppressions sealed in place, that holds them down; and while those judgements are in place they act as bonds of that illusion that we live, that we cannot see beyond. That is how a life can be lived without an inkling of a general self-deception. As in this example that I’d like to share, I came through my introspections with a new perspective of my life in which I clearly saw how many of my actions and decisions had been made in relation to a certain feeling in me, rather than in direct relation to myself or to the physical world of people, or to the physical itself.

It’s interesting how the most trivial seeming everyday event when opened up and looked into can reveal internal points of energy, infiltrating deep and far into the past: from examining the nature of a shitty feeling frequently present in my everyday experience I suddenly get an insight of the darker forces that I had hardly noticed, driving my unconscious landscape. As within so without: just as with the fake news of a controlling media, there comes a time in which one dares to question it; internally, the layers of excuses and justifications that accumulated into false realities come up for questioning as well, that acceptance of a stance of ‘happening to be the way I am.’

In the story that I’m sharing here, that instance of looking at a moment of ‘happening to be the way I am’ was in being confronted by a moment in which someone with whom I normally share a greeting, did not respond; and what this triggered in me was first of all a familiar shitty feeling, and then a familiar litany of questions, such as: What have I done; Have I done something wrong; Is it something that I’ve said or not said; something that I’ve done or not done; Have I upset them in some way; Has there been some gossip going round? By familiar what I mean is, this is not like something new to me; and that this is not a massive reaction that I must immediately look into; you could call it more a rather tired old reaction, definitely there, but in the background. And yet something that was new to me in that moment was the question of: Ok, but what is it that this point is anchored into? I mean this shitty feeling in me has obviously really nothing to do with this specific person; it is my everyday relationship with myself that keeps these points running around my mind, that keeps this shitty feeling fresh and new.

So that was like the break-through question: How was it that I came to create points in my mind in connection to ‘Hello’, and responses to Hello? And what exactly does this shitty feeling consist of? And immediately just in asking this I could see how much of all those questions coming up in me were like distractions from this feeling, were like seeking out somewhere in the outside world to land the blame.

Tracing back into my life the occurrence of this shitty feeling was not a difficult thing to do; to some extent it was always there with me, standing like a guard to my expression, but something that came up for me were memories of my early life at boarding school, in which I had mistakenly trusted in the advice of my father of ‘just do what others do and you’ll be alright,’ which I had then misconstrued into ‘give my trust to these others to define me’… this strategy blew up in my face, when as a group, my peers fell into a synchronized rejection of me – putting me in Coventry – meaning, not speaking to me; having given away the power to define me, I made the mistake of believing that this Coventry was a response to something about me that made me unacceptable – that shittiness that I felt inside myself I took to be the shittiness of who I was. That trust that I had foisted onto them had rebounded as a belief in the veracity of their consensual judgements, and since the judgements were hostile, I started to believe, and so trust also, that the inner shittiness of who I was was real.

That was where I began to hide myself away, and try to keep my mouth shut, never speak again, and stuff like that. Even sometime later when it was explained to me that what had happened was that I’d been put in Coventry, it did not change that for me with groups of peers there was now a risk, an element of danger, of possible betrayal. That it was possible for a group to synchronize in breaking someone down was a new dimension in my world, as well as what I had established in myself which was that experience of shittiness as apparently a reminder of who I am, that I then went on to making patterns with: of fearing it and reacting to it and avoiding it and running away from it.

Running away from your feelings seems possible when they are attributed to the actions and behaviors of others, and when they accumulate in relationships: then, just going somewhere else seems like an escape: here is where the devices of self manipulation, excuse and justification gradually weave their stories, imaginary worlds like comic strips, from out of which and from within which that shitty feeling seems to only be a constant nagging in the background; here is where the option of drugs can act like a salve to change the feeling into something positive; and so here is where in service to that shitty feeling and to the fear of the experience of it, it accumulates into what might seem like an addiction, where the blame of others is then focused onto blame of chemicals.

Looking through the chapters of my life I was appalled to see how many situations I had just ran from, when in every case that experience I feared I carried with me, not seeing it, because it seemed so intimately part of me, not seeing it because my self manipulation was so well practiced, not seeing how that guardian that stood beside my self expression had been placed by me for my own protection, so as not to experience that shittiness of me.

When I asked myself what kind of stories did I tell myself through my life about what happened, what was my excuse? And what I saw was that the ‘shock of broken trust’ had formed the fake news headline, or ‘betrayal’; the shocking badness of it all, that I had given something precious away that now was ‘shattered’ and ’broken’; in which I was the innocent, the victim, and this betrayal was to be seen as something done unto me – so that for my comfort, blame could be established from it – and that shitty feeling could be viewed as my justified response to that.

And yet beneath this story that I chose to live, what lay there within me was my awareness that I had given my responsibility for me defining me, to someone else, in trusting them. So beneath the story of the shock of broken trust and of betrayal was that shitty feeling that all of it was down to me, that I had given my trust in me to someone else – as a manipulation really – and also in a way, a self betrayal, this was the point beneath it all that I dared not see directly.

It was interesting for me to look into the backchat statement that came up in me in various forms in my reactions to such situations:- What have I done? Because looking into that sentence and the way I asked it in myself, how I couched the question, it was as if in the tone of it I was asking the world for an answer, as if in preparation to defend myself, the question posed as if in a protest of innocence. There are so many ways of habitually asking such a thing, or of internally re-iterating it, without ever really seeing the words for what they are – and crucially – of seeing how such a question could support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these words without consideration of my own support but instead to use them to support my separation from myself.

Here is an opening for me in which I can make a start in changing what I have imprinted into me: as and when this backchat comes up in me, I recognize it as a question that can really in fact support me. As and when that shitty feeling comes along, I can stop and breathe and realise that yes this shitty feeling has been here in me – by my permission, by my instigation – and so obviously I have the power to let it go – I do not any longer accept the belief that this shitty feeling is who I am, there is infinitely more to me than this – and letting go of this belief, I let go also of the trust that I held in it. I do not have the expectation that now as if by magic I have through all of this eradicated this shitty feeling from the threshold of my expression, of my saying of Hello, of my speaking words into the world from within myself, from my writing of those words, and yet I have given to me the means to work with it. A shitty feeling in itself is just a feeling when the power has been removed from it.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 460: The Unknown Eqafe Recordings

What has now become a library of previously unheard information, I mean the content of the Eqafe recordings: amongst and with those questions asked and answered also in and as Abundance, there is that glimpse of truth for which we have not asked, for which we could not ask; because beneath those layers of acceptance and allowance those key questions have become submerged, and we have till now been content with coping with their absence, accustomed to a life of exile from ourselves… a life in which those questions have no place to come from.

The Eqafe recordings: it is now some ten years since they started, yet awareness of even their existence spreads so very slowly throughout the world. We thought at first that it would spread across the net like fire, that millions would be listening to the message of the Dimensionals, to be interested in the existence of the Portal, in perspectives of our human reality, and the reality of others in our world beside ourselves for the first time coming through, and that our gratitude for an outside view of things would be shared by all, and yet perhaps it was our own enthusiasm that down-played the fact that spreading news of this would not be easy.

And in a way, my own enthusiasm messed things up because even with a glimpse of what is real I myself caught fire and went round ranting and raving, attempting to break down the walls of programming, causing those around me to back away and wonder if I might be mad; that was how inadvertently I actually strengthened the resistance.

Enthusiasm: what is in this word? Looking up the roots of enthusiasm I find literally, ‘possession by a god’, as in excitement as possession, being ‘with God.’ And while looking up enthusiasm also I noticed listed there, in the dictionary, an antonym: ‘indifference.’ I mention this within the consideration that indeed there was in retrospect a kind of madness in my ravings: I had suddenly gone into reaction to a kind of resigned indifference that I’d been living, and so swung into a polarity of that within and as enthusiastic ravings.

What is done is done; to those whom I subjected this I ask for their forgiveness; and I forgive myself; gradually I learn to walk in equanimity with myself, and to express my understandings from a grounded place inside me. If I were to redefine myself within and as Enthusiasm, I would change the word of God within it to the word of Life, because it was in the realisations that I was not in the context that I had ascribed myself as playing a role as insignificant, in the ‘greater’ scheme of things, but that actually in living I therefore was involved no less or more than Life itself. So the enthusiasm that I lived had the emotional charge of the lost within and as myself as found; and the release that I expressed was the release of that oppression that I’d been living, of that damnation that I had imposed upon myself and had so much believed in.

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