Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 461: Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm – within sharing the delight of a discovery in life – and in the nature of such discoveries - being each a gift for me but also those around me – where within this it is more like I am taking part in the discovery, and within this there is also an expression of Gratitude, that I can enjoy me within and as a part of Giving.

Clarifying for myself this word Enthusiasm, I begin to see now how it plied into my life; like as in a river, with me furthering and furthering a decision that I made when I was young – to make that effort, push myself to be specific, to use my time to specify those goings-on within me, to articulate those feelings, movements, shades, as much as possible; that, I realise now, was and is an expression of the why of me, to focus that responsibility, to articulate the discoveries that I made inside myself and in the outer world, and so to then express them.

That decision was in a way to go with who I am, and I accepted Enthusiasm as an aspect of it, and yet how had I defined this word? It was clear that it was my own responsibility to me to answer for myself that question of, ‘What does it mean, to live?’ and it was my decision to share what I had found. That I felt liberated within making this decision confirmed for me that it also was an expression of the why of me, I could easily own it as a natural part of me, and so accept how this would then define a path for me in life.

Youth can have such an easiness about it, sometimes: as an artist it became my purpose then to earnestly express a Joi-De-Vivre in painting, where in giving form to this enthusiasm I believed that I could start a conflagration, or at least help to tip the balance in some way to the programming that seemed rife around me. I did not see to what extent going with the gut could also be a falling into step with just another aspect of the program, and it would be another 30 years and more until the Desteni Group came together and the Portal opened; so in terms of understanding consciousness and the workings of the mind, and the significance of living out the definitions of our words, I was still at that time very much illiterate and in the dark.

So with that original decision in my life to be and to become that constant effort to specify, to articulate, to discover, it’s now for me to look into the Enthusiasm that I lived, that came up in me, on discovering and going with these motives in me, that the reward which I experienced was that there was something I could give, in celebration and affirmation of the We in our existence, that the Discovery was not for me, though it was my joy to be conveying it. That is very different to that general ‘Joi-De-Vivre’ that I saw as like a magic antidote when I was young. That Joi-De-Vivre was cool in itself and sometimes acted as cool reminder, and yet it led to, came from nowhere in a way.

So in redefining Enthusiasm I bring into it this new component – the awareness, presence, affirmation, of this reality of the We that is here – who we are as discovering this Life together, who we are as present in each other’s discoveries, who we are as empowered in and through our shared discoveries, that acting as a group we can become a single force to change this world in which we find ourselves to be.
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 462: Lexis

The elements of the world
the elements of the earth and wind and sea,
and fire of human passion being and history abound
within each and every word and overfill these vessels
these crucibles of life
while between our selves, the earth itself,
the wind itself, the sea itself the fire itself
the physical expresses us
emerges from and reaches through our words

while with the forest standing here
as a witness to the depth of time
the rushing of the wind through trees
tells me in the inner quietness of my shelter
of the value of these moments

that breath with which to speak our thoughts
and make them physical, the sounds that are
our life force and intention both as one
distracted in the alchemy of words
in which our footsteps lose their way
and find themselves again
in those moments of a stillness cherished
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 463: My Precious

How it was today that I arrived here – that I made landfall in a way, as if upon a firm white beach – swept ashore by the ocean of my sleep – by the oceanic experience of words – experience as a kind of turbulence of pictures, feelings, fragments, in suspension from the words themselves – or from a single word – but from being swept and totally adrift within that turbulence, I gradually assimilate that familiar sense of no way back, no memory track into the cause of things, that word, that word that resonated my unconscious, resonating with where I am within myself, stirring up those pictured connotations, as if there were a perspective of awareness seeking to connect and show me something, a word I can’t yet face except in metaphor, presented in the fragments of a dream, fragments that recede and dissipate in the clutches of my waking mind.

And yet being comfortably stretched out on the bed, comfortable within the weightiness of rested limbs - without a need to move myself – but just to gently stretch and readjust the arms and legs – I felt no need to go into that mental clutching process that I know so well – but instead to simply stay within that weightiness of spine and limb, that simplicity of extension in my waking in my body – where still the sheet and blanket and physical sensations are slightly merged with the feelings in my body, such as where some coolness in a pocket of the sheets spreads without a boundary to become the cooling of my blood; and I move my ankle slightly into congress with that source of coolness and as well, that source of relaxation; and opening my eyes I see that still I’m in that same place in which I fell asleep, though different in that now the room is bathed in daylight and the world beyond the lighted curtains now is full of sounds of early morning. And so connecting with those sounds, carefully I swing my legs outside the bed and place my feet upon the tiled floor. That form of carefulness is for me a kind of practice; that on getting up I do not get hooked straight into the programs of my waking mind.

Sometimes words can seem so fine, and dazzling in their virtue, like these points of light by which we navigate the voyage of our lives, and yet a single point of light can make the world that is surrounding it a world of darkness. In my previous post I wrote about a point of value, a precious moment, something deeply cherished – and looking into Cherished what I found was that point of giving unto something that I would want for me: that point of being believed in, valued, cared for, that point within me, that in seeing it in others for me, it supports me in allowing it for myself, to give to me, and so to live, and so also to extend into the world. And yet that even though I stand by it, deep within me, in spite of who I am, mostly I forget it, overlook it, only come across it in a way, in a dramatic moment now and then, and so those moments I then put a value on, as if those moments were different to the other moments in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anywhere there existed a special moment, measured out in preciousness, distinctly from the other moments that are here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what kind of world that I create around this single point of light, to look around this point and see the wasteland that I have created. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see this wasteland that exists within my life, of moments tagged with lesser value, where I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the moments as less than extraordinary, and then to live accordingly.

If there did exist that ‘writing on the wall’ saying only simply ‘this is life’; could we handle it, could we even begin to get it, while believing in ourselves that, yes we already know that, not seeing how that believing in our knowing robs us of the essence of it, and so with all the moments that we know. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand beside this medium of knowledge in reference to my life and so the lives of others.
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 464: Grounding the Principle

Quotes from The Crucifixion of Jesus, parts 134, and 135, Redefining the word Word:

“In the beginning was the Word and the word was God, and the word was with God.
In the beginning was the Word and the word was Life, and the word was with Life.
In the beginning was the Word and the word was Me and the word was with Me.”

“… the one missing dimension within all the history of existence, is the consideration of self and others, as self. Have you ever looked at yourself through the eyes of others, and just wondered what living vision am I expressing? If I look at placing myself in the shoes of others, what would I have wanted for me? It’s also in the statement: Do unto others as you would want to be done unto you. It’s the basic principle of Life we haven’t adopted and really allowed to become an integral part of a guideline for ourselves, our relationships, our everyday lives…”

In this post I want to share some personal directions that my investigations took in the context of listening to and hearing these recordings from the Eqafe series The Crucifixion of Jesus.

Grounding the Principle: Here I open up the word Grounding, linked to Principle; I want to redefine these words so that in my starting-point, they integrate, I do not have to link them, draw them together, so that for me the Principle is as much a part of Ground as Ground is part of Principle, and both as One, as Me. So it’s a deliberate self-support in changing my starting-point, towards realigning Me with Life.

In opening up a redefining of the word Grounding, initially I am checking in the dictionary - the root word Ground - I find there are few or only minor changes to this word in recent centuries: the Ground, as in the surface of the land, and the word Earth at times standing as the substance of the ground itself, standing unambiguously, as a simple fact, that fertile stuff that has been grounded up and grinded into grains by worms and nature, from which the roots deliver plants, from which our trees erupt into the sky, and firm and stable underfoot, we rely upon the ground to stand and make our observations.

A word like this might not seem to be requiring further exploration, or even close examination, and yet the word itself, as the root of Grounding, raises questions, because our bodies also are the substance of the Earth, as well the substance of our beings is of the physical. For me, that picture of our feet upon the Earth has contributed to an implication that we are in substance separate from the ground: it is as if a tweak has slipped into my perception of reality and become established there, and when it comes to redefining Grounding, what I am finding here for me, is that this tweak has formed like a tendency to skew the reach and practicality of Grounding. Sometimes in the histories and evolution of our words, it is like a metaphor establishes as a reality, and then in living out the word we are unknowingly attempting the impossible: to live out an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this picture in my mind of ‘grounding’ as my feet upon the earth, standing stable, not seeing, realizing or understanding that my body also is the substance of the earth, that my body and my being are one and equal in their physicality, that my grounding is not separate to the Earth, but in and as the stability of my relationship to Me, as a part of Physicality, to how I stand within myself as Me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand defined by me as separate from the principle of Life, of what is best for all, as best for me, in which the principle of what I am takes second place; I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to view the Principle as separate from my starting point as Me.

That who we reflects the words that we are living, in how we have defined ourselves within them, in how we have accepted and allowed the words with definitions made by others in our histories, that our actions and decisions and creations in each moment of our lives reflect the words that we have accepted and allowed as who we are and are living out, and therefore for us all the creation of the world in which we live:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word Creation as if it were a choice between creation or non-creation, when all of my expression is a constant multiple creation, the on-going product of the words I live. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in my mind and then believe that I am not creating, that I can pause my self expression, not seeing how this belief itself is a creation that erupts from the illusion in my mind that I can pause my own existence. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I must redefine the words I live while I am on the move, using words that I have not yet redefined to support me, using what I have to change the contents of the words that don’t support me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see realise or understand that if I had a single function for myself here on Earth, here in the opportunity of physical reality, that function would be to ground the principle of life in me within the words I live, and so to alter my starting-point and so to through that, alter my creations.
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 465: Back to Self, and Exploring a Projection

Some explorations, opening up a moment of Me, and relationship to System.

Looking at a mild discomfort, a movement within me, the turning of a point in the region of my solar plexus, the shadow of its energetic resonance as it ripples through my inner world, passing through a moment of experience - in a meeting with another human being - and then is gone, is sinking into memory; I have experienced this same reaction often, but never really brought it back here to ask myself what the features are of this within me, where in a way the usual statement I accept would be, ah yes that is just a part of me that I feel this way - only that – I usually brush past this, what more is there to say, I accept that there is no more to it, and so moving swiftly on, I smooth it into my normality, as if that moving-on was also merged into it.

Experiencing this reaction and as well my reaction to it all as one I passively experience my automation, and call that Me, where defining it as such I am defining Me as impenetrable, inaccessible, it is like I have accepted and allowed this word Me to also function as a term of self dismissal. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the inner statement, That’s just Me, to justify a tendency to dismiss investigation of an event inside of me, by apparently moving on, away from. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a judgement of myself as a part of my definition of Me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotion to self investigation, in which I react to thoughts of failure of getting access to the information of what exists within Me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that experience that I have linked to failure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that experience of the judgements that I put on me in giving up on me.

So here slowing down the swiftness of that moving-on, and bringing back the moment of that apparent ‘mild’ reaction, so that I can look at it, that passing shadow in my experience of me reacting in the outset of a conversation with another being. In specifying what was the actual nature of this energy, of this discomfort, what came up next was that this was ‘mild’ fear: and so the question followed, fear - connected to what? And then rather than looking directly into me, I looked outside of me, to seek the cause of fear in something that the other being was doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to finding in myself an energy that I have labeled fear, by immediately seeking out the source of it in terms of where to place the blame. I forgive myself within this that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I still have not investigated the nature of that fear, where rather than owning it as mine, have instead reacted to it with this reflex of seeking where to place the blame.

So calling it Fear: Fear apparently of people leading the conversation into areas in which they can compete and win and so assure themselves that they have not lost control, or prominence – I mean many of us - if not all - have experienced this strategy – after all it is like a raison d’etre of consciousness, and so of the designs and personalities expressed by it – and energetically, like expressions of maintainance, upgrade and refreshment drives – playing out an algorithm of energy fulfulment, scanning for an opportunity, a personal spin. An expression of the self as willingness to accept the drive to exploit the material shared for one’s own ends, and so distract and self deceive to get that energetic hit of winning, so that the superiority is stabilized and renewed, and prevails in setting the agenda.

And so bringing it back to self: who am I within the mirror of this projection: “Fear of people leading the conversation into areas in which they can compete and win,” within the experience of these words is a statement like, “Oh no it’s happening again, there is nothing I can do… “Like I can see where this is going and I am powerless…” And within that, I am left to hoping that it will not happen, hoping that they won’t go and do this… so immediately I have given my power away, I mean I could say something like, “Let’s not go there…” but instead I let it play out. What fear – or other emotion - exists within the making of these decisions, of what to do, and not do? How do I imagine how it’d be for me, as me, if I simply stopped the play-out in its tracks? It’s like I’d have to stand with me as a change of character, saying no, and with that saying no I’d have to stand stable, and not get drawn into the game. Is that the fear, that when tested I will not have the stability, and so will get drawn into the game, that I myself will lose control, will lose my balance, lose my way? Does this nice guy personality have any real stability? In looking into this it shows me that this is a position only that I have fallen in the habit of, it is based in insecurity, based on ‘swiftly moving on’.

As I look at this complaint, and start to open it, I realize how much that perceived “Fear of people leading the conversation into areas in which they can compete and win,” is but a cover, a generality and a distraction, because here disguised in this perception is my unwillingness to look into myself, into my own needs of self assurance, that I have judged in me, and so am here projecting onto others; making it in this scenario that they are to be blamed; that they were tending to their needs to win. And so, avoided is the issue of myself amongst and in these words, superior in my observations of the outside world, while at the same time being the victim to it; in a way, in fear of challenging the system.

Projections onto others can be useful when recognized, being those rejected pictures of the way things are inside me; because in looking into them I can show me details that I may not as yet be ready to immediately own. So in a way it’s kind of helpful – for a moment - to validate the projection, while seeing it for what it is, for the purpose of extracting further information - with the claim that it isn’t just and only me; that it takes two to tango; and it’s true that all of us have systems, participate in systems, though that is not all there is to us, but when both are busy in this game we set off reactions in one another, as well as in ourselves; and what makes the ground more slippery is the conviction that it is mostly the other and only just a little bit ourselves, just that little bit within ourselves that we employ to understand the situation, just that little eagle eye aloof that claims to know the details of the other’s thoughts and motives. There is quite an arrogance within the claiming of this knowledge while at the same time remaining in denial of its source within ourselves, coming from our own experience of doing it too; it’s as if this knowledge were just pulled out of the ether, and as if our ability to do that is an aspect of our claimed superiority.

And then in blame, in serving up the allegation – in making it stick - we revert to our definitions of the other for reference and evidence to prove our claims, making it as if those definitions in our minds were perceptions of reality. And so then we see these other beings as like rigid objects, taking up and standing as positions, and in the act of trying to defend themselves, protect themselves from collapse, seeing them as possessed by their personalities, not having any other choice, and so within this, robbing them, constricting them, and locking them down. I mean when both are at this then, there is a sense of all being lost; the potential of the meeting also – in the fact that the opportunity of collaboration has been lost. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear such constriction foisted onto me, of being locked down, of being robbed of other aspects that are me, of accepting and allowing being defined by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be defined by others as if in an attempt to keep the peace. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how in such an inner deal I have accepted and allowed the play-out of the system both within me and without me, and so am within this accepting and allowing the consequential play-out of the world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in this.

So within this there exists for me like a fear of owning my experience of giving up when it comes again to that old situation of being aware of abdicating all to system, a vision of puppets clattering uselessly in the dark, the facing of the fact of my giving of the power to the strings I have accepted and allowed, and allowing myself to participate in that feeling of uselessness and waste that I have linked to it. And my pattern here would be to revert into a silence, to revert into that illusion of potentiality, to abandon that opportunity of collaboration, and of mutual creation, to give up on the reality of the other person having choice.

Here within this is a layer of spite, and here again my own projection. I mean here I am looking at the expectation of the other responding to me the way I wanted them to, that together we might perhaps do something, that was not expressed, was not even clear to me, was not defined, and because my expectation did not happen here I was giving them both the power and the blame and then taking umbrage in a way because it did not happen. The actual failure here was my own manipulation. And then, in me, dismissing, or brushing past that momentary umbrage, that is so familiar, hardly even noticing it, defining it as ‘mild discomfort’, I see how it is I slip so quickly from a glimpse of awareness of my abdication, to those feelings of uselessness and into the apparent solace of blame and righteousness.

That issue of control, of accepting and allowing self to become an expression of control, as a point of permission, submerged beneath the layers of automation: it becomes an ‘issue’ where an emotional connection is made, linking to that point, together with a judgement where a dream of self seems to rise up from the bed, and dis the self that is currently overwhelmed in its comfort of acceptance, in the flowing streamlines of the consciousness, not seeing how this view of things has also been prepared, and undersigned by me, that this knowledge of awareness is no different, is just another annex of a false reality.
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 466 : Gossip and redefining ME

Examining gossip and self-gossip: the question to self comes up of: if this were a personality, what kind of personality would it be, if this were a general experience, what would that general experience be, the feeling of it, the atmosphere around it… and for me looking into this I realized that if it were a personality it would be like a sort of a wet-blanket person, a constant threat to rain on my parade.

And listing out the verbs it was: to undermine, to put it down, to belittle, to make small, to sabotage its confidence. And the presence of such a personality in my mind would say things like: stop showing off – don’t expose yourself – you better keep quiet - you are too big for your boots – know your place – you’re so selfish… you ought to be ashamed… if all of those statements, feelings, could be rolled up together into a general shadow looming in my mind that would well describe my experience of ME that accompanies my self exposure in expression – a sword of Damocles – to exaggerate – so as to expose it more – though the feeling in itself is subtle.

Writing out these back-chats – with a pen – I realized how much these words derived from actual experiences of sibling bullying and manipulation – were words that I had internalized – and made my own – and strategically allowed to be as my own controlling self attacks – and as I wrote the words, my writing faltered, becoming smaller, tighter, with a hesitance coming into it, more and more restricted, as if I’d strayed into an environment of judgement – a mine field – to exaggerate again – in which me allowing the flow to continue – could be dangerous…

Such dramatic terms, and all of them derived from realities that once existed, yet now continued to exist within my mind – it was not that I had no responsibility in this, they were not just simply imprinted into me without permission – I recreated these ‘family’ relationships as energetic constructs in my mind – it was like I put a cast of characters together to represent the different forces in my mind – it was my design of how I was to operate as an expression of my family group – as an imitation of it, but as an independent entity – carrying along with me a group of working models of a possible existence as a mind – in a world that was otherwise unknown to me – so it was like in the absence of an alternative, I accepted and allowed these constructs as a backing – I construed them as a form of strength, as an independence aid, and in relation to these constructs I conceived myself as less-than them – seeing that for them to operate and function in a ‘natural’ manner, I conceived them as a ‘truth’.

These are like the technicalities of child robotics in a world of consciousness. Essentially within this voluntary scheme my definition of ME would be required to dwindle, atrophy, to become no less and no more than the ball in the game, rather than the game itself, rather than the stadium in which the game is played, or the world in which the stadium is built. All of this I willingly accepted; it was not like I had been destroyed – after all, my experience of me remained within the center of it, subjected constantly to the permissions that I resonated out. Here I was like a ME design submitting to the ways of consciousness.

Now I need to round it up a bit; I am aware that spite may enter into and interfere with my understanding of the family dynamics – seeing that both the spite and blame and my judgement of it both play a part and are a part of it – here is where I stand in that experience where it is not clear how much of what I see is my projection – where in one extreme it all seems like all projection and blame and in the other extreme it seems that what I see is absolutely true; and yet in both I tend to veer away from this reference to ME that I know so little of, this reference to ME that has been so long cast within taboo.

Knowing so little of what exists within and as this ME, I have spent many years standing literally on the brink of it – it is as if so far the physical reality that I have actually entered into is like various groups of cells and muscles in my lips – living in and as the Brink – so far short of doing such as a thing as actually for real walking on the Earth.

Implicit in the path of self-intimacy is self-honesty: where could Into-Me-I-See lead without first clearing for myself what definitions I have accepted and allowed as ‘ME’? To apprehend the fact that each of us are standing by this cosmic gateway we have to clear away the thorns and brambles that have grown in front of it. ‘Cosmic’ yes, as an expression of Magnificence, but Cosmic also in an Earthly sense, as a glimpse into this physical substance that as yet we know so little of, or of ME as being a part of. So, seeing this word ME as if for the first time, I realise that yes I may have lifted up a corner of the veil, and that this glimpse is here supporting me to further clear and clean the word, and honour it.

What would be the thorns and pains around the word ME that would make such natural honouring an impossibility? Something that I have realized in this writing is how much the word ME had figured in this life as almost like taboo – being connected to the cardinal sin of Selfishness – a word used often in the day to day manipulations of my family life - judgements of my badness, in which using the word Me came to have some guilt attached to it.

About the self inflicted pain of guilt, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this connection to exist; I forgive myself that I have provided for and stood beside this connection to exist; I forgive myself that I have deliberately accepted and allowed other peoples definitions of ME as being part of my reality; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by others; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should go ahead and live this life of ME as other people’s definitions of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in other people’s judgements of me, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify the guilt I felt in my definition of ME. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I had deliberately attached to ME. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain that I had accepted and allowed myself to attach to ME.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within me the experience of a Sword of Damocles to exist; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own self judgement, and to live as powerless to change the experience that comes out of it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self judgement and make of it a thing that I am haunted by in my moments of self exposure/self expression. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people might be saying about me, not seeing how within this what I actually fear is what I am accepting and allowing to be said by me about me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look upon the fact that I have given up the power to define myself for me and in support of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed other people’s definitions of me as a self manipulation in which I do not have to see how much I fear what I might see when I look upon how it is that I have defined this ME that I am living, and how much and to what extent that I avoid to face the ME that I’ve become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read the word: Into-Me-I-See, and not seen within myself how much and to what extent I have brushed past the word ME that is at the core of it, and so have within that not seen ME at all but only seen within my mind an idea of that, an idea of ME that is pleasing to me, and yet not real.
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 467: Magnificence and ME

https://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress. ... fining-me/

The Mine Field: you will need to read the previous post that leads to this one to get more context, but here I start with some of the working and functional self definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word Me. In this part of the process of redefining ME, I continue with investigations into definitions that I have already accepted and allowed and incorporated into the word of ME, definitions that are not best for me, definitions that I have accepted and allowed through the backchats of my mind. (see Day 466)

In general terms of Consciousness, if you allow yourself to be the victim of your backchat, a victim, as in being restrained within its boundaries, you will learn to fear the consequences of expansion, of straying too far, of questioning the edicts; and then accepting and allowing such fears to become imprinted into you, a personality will emerge, neatly shaped by your reactions to the merest hints of such specific fears, as dictated by the backchat. So from generalised - functions and controls of Consciousness - I now go into more the specificity of ME, that is in how I personally furnished those general Consciousness dimensions, into the specific nature of my personal backchat, exploring more the firewalls of the taboo that I accepted to be created, the taboo of understanding, Self-Intimacy and Seeing-Into-Me.

As skated over in the previous post, an incident occurred in which the image of a mine field surfaced – showing me – sort of incidentally - in my own words the fear of walking into this, showing me that hidden in the very ground of ME, there were like these back-chat bombs, that if I were to firmly tread then I might trigger a disaster. It is through incidental words that surface in my writing, in my de-script-ion of ME, that I recognize these points of self support that come from deeper parts of me, points that somehow slip through the filters of my conscious introspections; and what I have found is that by looking further into them I see the beginnings of an honouring of self. Exactly how the words Self Honouring and Self Honesty fit into each other is still a mystery to me to unravel for myself when I am able: for now I walk as within these Journey posts towards stability in my self.

For now, the incidents of words emerging for me in support of me as I inscribe them into physical existence will serve me in my purpose of opening up the definition complexes of ME in which I have accepted and allowed myself to coexist with functions of self-squashing, self-dishonouring, self-demeaning, self-diminishing as decreed by the backchats in my mind. Here is not just to simply open them up but to deconstruct them, to stop them, and to replace them using words I choose that instead support me.

So, tentatively stepping on the ground of my specific mine field, I am now looking at the incident (see previous post) in which the word Magnificence came up almost as a primary glimpse of what this word ME could accommodate as redefined, relieved of all the strangulating mechanisms of the backchat.
And at the time of writing, thoughts came up in me of how much less-than this ME I know is in comparison to Magnificence – like, BUT how could I possibly live this word, be one and equal with it, and so in equality become it, in accepting it as a part of me?

At the time of writing there was something that I did not see – it took some days to recognize the words I wrote – that within my I-Am-Less-Than-This reaction to the word Magnifence what existed that I could not see was fear. Fear of standing as Magnificence. It was through seeing this that I saw its relationship to my other backchat – this word Magnificence had not just popped up as a random alternative to live; it existed shoved away suppressed almost as the target of my backchat; when I looked into the backchat there were fears of being exposed in self aggrandizement – self magnification – judgements of such things within myself; memories of moments of being squashed in self exuberance – fears of letting go – where I had manifested exuberant expression it had been interpreted as showing-off; where I had manifested celebration of being me it had been interpreted as self aggrandizement, or big-headeness; where in stepping out of character, I had been accused of fraud. And yes indeed such character manouveres did exist, but they were not the whole of it. Magnificence was like a driving force of my exuberance, was like the fire of my creation, and like the inspiration of my non-sequiturs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Magnificence: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and consented to the designs of consciousness to utilize this fear, to instead of standing as Magnificence, instead to
subdue and diminish and misconstrue Magnificence in whatever form it might manifest in my expression – and in a way to take this word and harness it in service of my fear.

…continuing next post…
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 468: Dimensions of Magnificence

In Etymology I found a little history of how it was that Magnify was only recently - a couple of hundred years ago or so - adapted into English as in simply ‘making bigger’, such as with a Magnifying glass; I learned that up until that time the word was more - and still is in other languages – concerned with Honouring a person or a thing. And yes there is a sense of giving Honour in looking more closely at something, considering the details, looking in to it. There is Honour in this sense of looking into Me, giving time to me to open up the details of my inner world, of considering who I am towards and with and as myself within those details, and within the question of, “Is this how I want this or that relationship to be?” there exists that honouring of me as the directive principle.

So in considering these roots of the word Magnify, I come across a new dimension of Magnificence, within this, willingness to honour self, a dimension that is much more stable than the version of Magnificence that I had previously had existing in me – which was highly energetic – like as in a spray of fireworks across the sky, or some towering deity bedecked with shining jewels, or an ineffable extreme of beauty, kind of breath-taking types of things, and massive and overwhelming and other-worldly – looking at these connotations I can see how it seemed impossible for me to actually live this word as me, one and equal with it, and also how I was content within living with this definition of myself - in a comparison - as so much less-than it.

Just as in how you can open up – apparently - a random book, and yet meet some lingering trace of you in the words you see, an enigmatic relevance, an answer to a question you had asked, or written, acting at least as a reminder to me of the extent that our awareness is infused throughout the everything in which we live, and a reminder as well of how much we are supported here if we could but see it, or but respond to it – or see ourselves within it: so also with the process of the physical writing out of self.

In considering the nature of my backchat, I came - through this process of physical writing - to be looking at this word Magnificence - and to looking at how it sort of lay disguised behind the backchat, as if it were an inspiration of it, in a negative way, to specify the backchat lines, and it seemed to me that considering this word magnificence supported me in understanding the personal design beneath the backchat, and so supporting me in understanding, to put a stop to these restraints that I had accepted and allowed within me.

So also with the general nature of the backchat as – for me- a shame induction: looking into the word Shame, what I find within this word is an experience of dis-honour, the experience of being and becoming as dishonoured, and with accepting and allowing, listening to and participating in such backchat it becomes the experience of self-dishonour.

Ok I’m going to give myself some time to digest these things: within the process of redefining the word ME, here I’m writing out the questions of: Where specifically Shame stands as the label of an energy experience of self dishonour, and so has become detached from it, to the extent that the question fades away of what has been this honouring of myself that I have broken up, walked out on, that I have in some word or deed deemed as dispensable for the sake of my survival; and where with Magnificence I have lived up to my word, such as in honouring a commitment that I made to me, a decision in support of me, a standing up for me, a giving to myself of time to consider what it is in me.
Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 469: The Strengthening of Honour

…this… continuing from Days 466, 467, 468…

I have been considering the general element of Shame within my backchat, and words that have emerged - through the process of my writing-out - have been first Magnificence, and then, Honour.

By the Strengthening of Honour, what I mean is getting to know more intimately this word, how I have been living it, how I might change the meaning that I’ve lived as it, in relation to it, and in separation from it, and to bring it from a vagueness and a part suppression in my mind into sharper focus, so that it might become a word that I can live deliberately at any moment.

How was it that I came to seeing this? Between one Journey Day and another - between one write-out session and the next - there is for me a period of sorting, integrating, letting go of to some extent that which has been written, letting be, letting it be flexible, letting parts to find their places in the reality of this living Me – here – I have been giving myself time, giving to myself conditions that I know would best support me in coming to solutions of what would be best for me.

Within that – I am practicing an honouring of self – I honour the nature in me, seeing that the process of coming to realisations of solutions is not for me direct or quick – but needs some time to integrate and settle –and so through a period of a week or so, what comes up in me - as if from a fresh beginning - is the realization that what I need to do now for me in support of me is to get a real and actual grasp of Honour, come to know it better, come to recognize it in others, define it in myself for me, make it tangible, all these kinds of things.

So in support of creating more of a grasp of Honour right here in this writing-out of Me, I start to use the beginnings of the definition of the word Honour that emerged from out of the word Magnificence and Magnify (day 468) of giving time to me to look more closely at what exists within me, of considering who I am towards and with and as myself within those details, within those definitions that I have accepted and allowed within this very word of ME.

So in this sense of Honouring there is a giving me of Time, where that Giving also is a key, in which I am honoured in giving time to me, in acknowledging that I am Here, that the quality of attention that I give myself is from a standing with me. To relate this new honour to the backchat (Day 466) I am looking at this question: How often in my backchat have I simulated out of judgement formulas of words and phrases to act as triggers of instant self-dismissal, of active ignorance, of exasperation, of impatience, of reasonings to justify a decision to withhold an honouring of me, and within that to be honouring instead a sense of power through bullying and punishment, and as a victim, through submission?

This question then unfolds the realization that it is not merely that I need to practice honouring of self, but to also shift the honouring that already exists within my acceptance and allowance of submission to the backchat of my mind. As and when this shaming backchat comes up in me I commit myself to slow down, to stop, to breathe, to ask myself again, what is it that I am honouring here? I commit myself to stand with me; I remind myself that this process of commitment, of standing stable for and with myself, is itself the practice of the word of Honour that I choose to live as me.

Adam Closs
Posts: 512
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Post by Adam Closs »

Day 470: The Golden Thread

In the process of writing, something that often happens - after posting - is that much more information comes up – such as another angle that I had not seen before or at the time of writing; in a way, posting a blog is like making an assertion – and then having made that assertion – it is as if I have somehow cleared myself a space for a continuation, or for a different view to open up.

Along with this, in the process that I’ve been sharing recently, I realise now, in browsing through the Eqafe Recordings a process of Redefining and Living Honour: in the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination, 19, 20, 21 – and I realise that although I listened to these recordings quite some time ago – and had on a conscious level forgotten all about them, I find here that I have been walking it for myself, slightly differently of course, but with some similar discoveries. Looking at this I see it as an example of how the information shared through the recordings can slowly integrate and then some time later re-emerge.

Yes this is a road less travelled, and yet it has been travelled, and it has been, is being shared; there are those who have gone before us in this process, and through their sharings have opened up a way, have made it easier. So in realizing this I feel grateful – in realizing that that Golden Thread is not just spun from out of nowhere, but from the sharings and the twinings of so many different and unique strands of beings who share the single purpose of aligning With and As the Life that we are coming now to recognize ourselves to be - and also that that Golden Thread is an experience within me where for some precious moments I am aware that I am with me, have come back to me, am in some way meeting me, showing me - that though there have been parts of me bewildered and distracted, there is also part of me that knows exactly what I’m doing.

On an emotional level there is first an experience of doubt and then of comfort, that I was so lost in lostness that I could not even see it, and then in realizing that none of that was real, I am comforted, and reassured. And on a deeper level, I see and realise that I must now take this golden thread experience and look more closely into it support myself within this endeavor of Redefining and then Living this word Me.

…so …continuing next post…

So, in retrospect now a reference and a link from my recent posts to the above mentioned Eqafe recordings:

Respect Integrity Trust and Honour
How Do I Stop Punishing Myself
Self Respect Through Honour ... on-part-19 ... on-part-20 ... on-part-21

In the transition from one era to another, on a personal level, there is the transition from an old existence as in making the best of what I happen to be, of being a victim to the belief that I cannot change myself, and so am living in a way as a life that has been chosen for me; to a new existence acknowledging that in fact I and all of us do have this ability, and that with effort we can practice it and strengthen it.

In the DAWN OF A NEW AGE of awareness, how are we to walk the ability we have to change ourselves so that each of us can make this transition? If you have not heard this recording on - You Tube - by Veno - through the Portal, made back some eight years ago, then I recommend you do: it gives the context for the push by all of us in sharing Desteni, in our Journeys into Life, in our videos and blogs. DAWN OF A NEW AGE
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