Day 78: I Need Stability In My Life
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This is a continuation to Day 77: Dirty Little Family Secrets
The most crucial/important part/aspect I am realizing within/as the family point is that I've allowed myself to completely give into/as my mind when/as I am facing my family - because it's as though I have created two personalities in relation to my family - meaning that I will mold/shape my expression to those in my family immediately creating a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't see those in my family as actual people who have had been preprogrammed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives - within this I will create a personality based on being stable/unstable when/as I am facing them in the moment, only my entire basis on what stability in fact means to live has been convoluted based on a polarity system that I am living in their presence - because when I am experiencing myself as being stable, here, and breathing - I immediately observe those in my outer-reality within/as the starting-point of judgment - now when I am experiencing myself as being stable, I get quite silent and the people around me notice that I am behaving rather weird/strange - because I have assumed/perceived that stability in fact represents to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs - so I have especially/specifically in relation to my family have treated them as a division lining between 'me' and 'them,' that I don't actually investigate why/how those in my immediate outer-reality have behaved the way they have - and so my defense mechanism in other words would be to avoid/suppress hide communication at all costs because I experience myself as easily falling - from the perspective that I simply forget to actually breathe, being stable, that I immediately mold/shape my expression - because I experience myself as having to be on guard for the apparent attack that I already mind-project is going to happen before it actually does - and so I am of course going to face a consequential outflow because of already assuming/perceiving that something is going to happen - so I've noticed that I also hold my breath as though I am waiting for the inevitable of the abuse coming from my parents - and thus my body becomes quite stiff in complete defense mode - so I will wait until my family has left the immediate environment to actually focus on my breathing - thus, it's quite clear that I am already sabotaging myself to walk the family point, before I have even walked the point - because I immediately connect and link my mind-projections of how much I am going to be attacked/abused in some shape/form.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create two personalities when/as I am in the presence of my family and within this would this create a belief/idea about how much I have to be stable, here, and breathing - that I move from one energy point to experiencing myself as being stable to being in defense-mode, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power based on how I will immediately mold/shape my expression to those in my family, and thus I would be too busy over-analyzing the person/situation that is connected/linked to my family to even actually take a deep breath - to understand that I am creating a personality based on the connection and link of my mind-projections to how I am apparently suppose to behave. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from actually getting to know how I can walk stability, here, and actually no longer move from one personality to another that was only a polarity game to try/attain/attempt to figure out everything - instead I allow myself to learn to understand that being in the presence of those in my immediate reality, is actually an awesome chance/opportunity to live here. When and as I see myself moving from one personality to another based on those in my immediate reality - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining who I am suppose to be in the presence of my family - but instead I commit myself to really getting to know myself within/as stability, no longer being dominated on all these projections to how I am suppose to be like in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through the presence of being around my family, connect and link my mind-projections of how I am apparently suppose to behave - thinking and believing that when I am in the company of my family that I must behave in what I've believed to be stable - Within this I would then be creating stability as an personality to mold/shape my expression - and then I would immediately assume that I am actually living stability, only it was never stability that I was living - but just another experience to continue molding/shaping my expression to remain a characterization that was only my mind trying/attaining/attempting to over-analyze what it means to experience stability, only it was never about experiencing stability - but living stability here in each moment within/as self-awareness. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from getting to myself within/as stability when I allow myself to go far away off into/as my mind and over-analyzing how I am apparently suppose to behave - linking it to past/memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to - when and as I see myself making mind-correlations based on how I am apparently suppose to mold/shape my expression to live out an experience based on polarity - to actually learn to live stability, remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into/as my mind - but to instead really start investigating that if I can spend so much effort/dedication on how I am suppose to experience stability, that I can in fact live stability, no longer dominated by/through how I am apparently suppose to behave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only face my family based on a separation point between 'me' and 'them,' that which I have carried a belief/idea that I am facing myself versus my family - and within this would only see my family has something to overcome/obstacle - dependent on how I have wanted/desired myself to be behave within/as stability - dependent on moving from one personality to another that which I would never see my family as individuals who have been preprogramed to have certain belief-systems to live throughout their lives. I now see, realize and understand that I can never be able to face my family within/as complete trust and intimacy, if I am not even seeing my family as people - meaning I am not seeing them as equals when I am too busy in my mind creating all these assumptions about how I am suppose to overcome them and instead I furthermore commit myself to really also getting to know my family as people based on the principle of Oneness & Equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my family are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome based on what I am creating within/as my mind about how I am not seeing my family as human beings that are one/equal to myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that my family are people who didn't just magically wake up one day to attack/abuse myself, because it's quite obvious that it was the separation point, as I am seeing now to treat other people as an separation point is all sabotage for myself - where I take a part how/why I am separating myself those that is reflecting back to myself and within that would thus sabotage myself into thinking/believing that my family are reflecting back to myself from the starting-point of being an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome, and so I am only giving them a value to live based on my grounds to live out a character that was never actually stable in the first place or could ever be. I now see, realize and understand that my family are human beings that are worth much more then to simply being an idea/belief - but an awesome opportunity for myself to see how I can really get to know myself based on living the principle of Oneness & Equality when/as I am presence of those that I am communicating with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people within/as my world/reality only are an obstacle/transcendence point and something to overcome because of how I wanted/desired myself to experience myself as being stable based on past experiences/memories I have had that if I am not constantly facing an experience then I am fucked - and because of this would thus think and believe that if I did actually stop not living the experience that is the stability character then that must mean that I have done something wrong/negative/bad - and within this would thus create energetic charges based on craving the experience I have linked to be stability to remain living out a character/personality - not seeing/realizing or understanding that it is myself that is in fact living here within/as self-awareness that doesn't need/require someone/something to prove that stability is here and real. I now see, realize and understand that dependent on the experience based the people within/as my world/reality I would immediately have desire about chasing after an experience that this would be my entire basis of trust to walk this process - instead of actually trusting myself live stability - when all the while that which I was changing myself to live out energy. I commit myself to, when I am living out an experience and calling it stability, to always make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing, expressing me as who I am - not taking on abusing others to make me experience myself as being stable - thus I instead within moments in where I see that I am craving for the experience of stability - to stop and breathe - bring myself back to here and express myself as who I actually am and within that I furthermore commit myself to get to know people and myself as no longer living by/through an experience - not form an idea/belief/perception about stability according to believe that change is finally here.
To Be Continued...