Gian's Journey to Life

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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Day 635 – 32 words, ARTICULATE part 1

Postby Gian » 26 Mar 2018, 13:25 ... art-1.html

Articulate - Having or showing the ability to speak fluently and coherently.

Coherently - (with reference to an argument, theory, or policy) in a logical and consistent way.
In a way that forms a unified whole.

To articulate myself, to express myself in a fluent, consistent way where my words as sentences forms a unified whole. The art of I/Me to place into words what I see within Me, one and equal.

I am basically only now familiarizing myself with this word. I have heard it before, a few times in my life, Each time I have heard of this word it was more in the sense of being a weakness of mine, I had to each time ask, what does this word mean? Someone would tell me, explain to me. I have found that I had a misalignment with this word within me each time.

The first misalignment I had within this word within me was that I believe that I must be intellectual to be articulate. This isn’t the case, as to be articulate within expressing myself, I simply have to slow Way down, look within me, see what is here within me before I speak on a certain point or matter, or respond to someone, but most important how I communicate with myself, and to within that kind of “sort” through the information/words to find the words that I do have and to place them in the best possible way to express to me/others what I see in words/sentences.

The weakness comes in where I RUSH, where I go into EMOTION/REACTION to speak either to myself or to others, within these moments as a reaction I scramble EVERYTHING within me, all information, and so the form the information takes is that of emotion, a mess of energy and words. I lose the sequence within me, or I lose the ability to place everything in a sequence as what I see.
My biggest challenge has always been to articulate myself in everything I see within me within what I am doing, or why I did certain things, or how I even think about things – how I process information within me.

This has been a challenge for me because of a certain believe that I have within myself that is the approach, the drive for HOW I articulate myself.

The Believe that SCRAMBLES the information within me comes from the belief that No one is hearing me or will hear me. Within this I go into the energetic experience of rushing to say what I want to say, to get it out, even if it is all mixed up and wrong, as long as I get to say this thing/point and get it out there. Within this approach I go into energy each and every time, I then go into reaction as fear, fear of not being heard.

When I take this back to myself as the origin of this point. I can see that I have played this out many times in my life, more than I count, where I go into this fear of not being heard (thus fear of not being taken serious, being taken into consideration) and now I need to look at how am I not articulating myself to myself, how I communicate to myself.

I am looking at this point right now – I see that I rush everything with myself, I do not give myself the time and space to actually sit down and to look at information, or to get more information if needed, to have a sequence, to have a unified whole in what I am looking at within myself to understand myself, and thus to work better with ME as who I am, I have LOST value within myself, I have come to see myself as not worthy to spend the time and efforts on me.

I have slight memories coming up where I am a child, where I wasn’t given moments to express me and to develop the proper words to express me. I see myself surrounded by adults that saw me as less, and what I had to express was simply a fleet of a moment of a child that has nothing important to share, I am just this child that wants to distract and take time from the adults, my observations, stories and experiences I wanted to share wasn’t important, the adults gave me maybe 50% of their attention, then they had to be busy again, get back to what they were doing. I was left with this experience, not knowing what to do with it. To adjust myself to the behaviour of the adults, I had to RUSH myself, I had to quickly share something to be heard or to get direction, I would now rather share through speaking quickly, I would become emotional and try my best to simply get it out.

This didn’t have an effect much, as the adults just gave a nob, a quick answer, they confirmed to me that they have given me a fleeting moment of their time with a smile and a word, not any real support, no clarifying and no understanding, no actual participation.

Through this over time I started giving up on sharing my stories, sharing my experiences and to articulate them openly and making it known, I did not develop an effective way of articulating within me the information as the feedback was limited to adjust and enhance myself. I started following the Emotions, where I acted on how I feel instead, how I reacted, I started trusting the energy within me how to move and direct myself, what to say and how.

This over time has given me the classification of being spontaneous in my actions, and random, it inspired people, I was given praise for being spontaneous, being random and at times even given a label of being charismatic, because everything I did and do comes from emotion/feeling, no actual structure, no unified holistic approach where everything I do makes sense, as I could never make sense of anything really. I had to follow what I feel and how I feel things and somehow through my actions express that as it was here.

I do see that it is a strong point, and why so many enjoyed me being that way, but deep down there was actually a cry for structure, for direction, for something stable to build on, which would have been the ability to articulate, to take the information I have and to place it in a sequence, where things could have steps, and outcomes that could have been planned better and where I could actually have had the ability to make sense of what’s going on in me and not assume everything as emotion, as fear, as stress and anxiety.

I see and realize that I must focus on forming the information within me in a way where I can make sense of it, where it is practical, common sense and best for all, thus me, where I can actually apply and LIVE this word within everything I do, to stop and forgive the energy that I have become addicted to, to move myself as, I have come to TRUST the energy/emotions and feelings as I have never lived articulate. My life has been very inconsistent within me, which is chaos and no plausible change that can be shown in a consistent way, even when I have the change, that change is also just a mess within me and thus I find myself unable to share it.

It was actually on the point of me wanting to SHARE myself more in videos and blogs on all the things I have faced, walked and changed and I realized I had this bloc, this energy that keeps coming up, that throws me way off and whatever I wanted to share never really came through, and I always referred in my blogs and vlogs to the point of being spontaneous and charismatic. This left me disappointed and feeling incomplete after each blog of vlog, as I knew it could have been powerful, but instead it ended up being this blob of energy.

I started this 32 words challenge as I see this will be good for me to start applying the word articulate within myself with each word that is within the list I have created. To express and share me within it.

I will do what I usually do not do, I will spend the TIME to write each blog, to give me the opportunity, and google, to google the words.

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Day 636 - Tense Jaw and Bad teeth within my process

Postby Gian » 26 Mar 2018, 20:57 ... ithin.html

Who would have thought there could ever be a connection between a tense jaw and bad teeth? Well, I am going to share my own personal experience with my tense jaw and my bad teeth (yes bad teeth, breaking, chipping and just not strong). As always I will also share what I have uncovered with the tense jaw point.

When I started to become a “man” and my jawline started developing and became visible to the ladies, I got some comments that my jawline is great. I also saw the older guys who had jawlines that were visible that they got more attention, and some of them just looked tough/hard and thus was respected.

I remember I started focussing on popping out my jawline more by making my jaw tense, this I did though biting down on my back teeth, kind of like letting my teeth hold onto each other real tight. This allowed for my jaw muscles to pop out and be more visible, to be more pronounced.

I remember specifically when there was a male type of moment of competition or challenge sub-consciously going on, where I would specifically focus on popping out my jaw muscles to look tougher, to look like a man that is hard, like my jaw can take a punch, this game was played out for a long time during my school years, and there were ample opportunities to play this jaw popping game.
Besides the male ego challenge point, for the ladies, I would basically keep it popped all the time, as to show a little something manly.

Playing this jaw popping game meant I had to place a lot of pressure on my teeth for many years and within this, I also had to not just bite down on my teeth to pop the jaw muscles, but I also had to grind on my teeth to move it. It was NO different than how bodybuilders compete, you have to pop the muscles and move them, show them, those actions in themselves are stressful on the jaw and teeth.

NOW, after reading that we have to take a step back and look at WHY oh why did I participate within that construct to be a man, to be seen as hard and tough and having something manly or nice, like a sculpture. The answer goes a bit deeper, it goes to an insecure point within myself that has two sides to it, where this one point was an outlet for these two points.

The first point is, I felt insecure within my environment as a man that can handle the other men, to compete and to not lose, and thus to not be bullied, to not be harmed, this placed a LOT of stress on me specifically in the line of survival – Biting on my teeth and grinding my teeth was an outlet, and also participating within the manly construct and winning sometimes made me feel more relaxed and thus I could release some stress, I felt safe and secure, unless I lost. So I already taught myself that tightening my jaw and biting on my teeth was a great way to deal with stress in relation to survival.

The other dimension is even deeper and this one goes way back to the point where it eventually led to me feeling insecure and playing this game and participating in this construct. This goes back to when I was young when I was still just a child, and this point of when I was still a child is still now playing out as it is now obvious since I stopped the male ego game of jaw popping.

I cannot pinpoint the exact age and what happened when I was young, but I know it is ancient this point, and all I can do is explain how I experience it right now, the design is right or wrong, where I am mostly living in the anticipation/stress of doing the wrong thing, doing something for what I will be shouted at, or get spanked for (again survival). I am always in this state of “fuck I did it again”, I am doing something wrong, I am in someone’s books not doing things the right way, and I am probably going to hear about it later or in some form or another.

I have a great example of today, where there was an accident. I was wearing slip on shoes to go walk in the field, I knew my partner was going to wear these shoes later on, so I went out to walk in the fields, within this I noticed the whole fields were wet and there were lots of puddles of water everywhere, and so the WHOLE time I was walking with the clenched and stressed jaw around, in the anticipation that I am going to do something wrong with these shoes, and so it happened, I stepped in a puddle of water and the shoes got all wet inside. After that, my jaws and teeth were so tight against each other that even after making myself aware of it, breathing and relaxing them, it took two seconds and there it was back to how it was, it has become so normal for my body to just have my jaw tense and my teeth grinding and biting down.

That is but one example, now take that and place it throughout an entire day, all day, all the time, with anything I do. That is the state my jaw is in, and the pressure my teeth is under. It feels like I am constantly under camera surveillance and god is watching, and god is fucking ready to tell me what I did wrong and that I am and will never do the right thing.

The imagery I have is of me as a child literally playing with my toys in fear of even playing wrong with them, and getting punished for playing with my toys, never mind playing wrong with them, so I am a child that simply does not play with his toys because of fear of playing wrong with them, even though no one ever came to me and said, you are playing WRONG with your toys, it came from other parts I feel in my reality as a child, the impression and signature I feel within me is that of I can only do wrong.

The Jaw is a fascinating design. By just having my jaw muscles tight I am clamping down my teeth, and within this grinding them, placing incredible pressure on my back teeth, and within that, I am tensing and tightening the muscles around my jaw that leads to pain and stiffness, I also form mini headaches because of the constant tension. It does not stop there, it now goes to food, not wanting to spend time eating or taking food in with my mouth, and throughout the years from all the jaw clenching and grinding I have made my teeth sensitive, so eating solid food becomes an annoyance. It can also be painful sometimes, especially if a piece of the tooth has broken off. This overall effects my health, my body, everything, so the jaw really has a lot of power. so here we see how I play out this point/illusion of strength and how the physical is showing me the consequences of being weakened.

I have written about this point many times, but not specific as I am now in mentioning the points. Previously I took on the topics of Stress, anxiety, the bad boy character and so forth. This time I am going straight to the physical, the signs and designs and seeing what is here.

I am a very HIGH energy person (according to previous input from others), as I was referred to in my younger days, I was FULL of energy and excitement. I used to LOVE anything that had to do with adrenaline, I always thought it was a damn good thing, people enjoy it, and I deceived myself mostly with telling myself that me being that way is me being ALIVE and living. I fooled myself as I could never really see where and what the energy really was, I cloaked it as positive when in fact it was negative. This high energy was me not knowing how to deal with stress/anxiety and kind of me rebelling against it, which only, in the end, enforced it, as we can not really do anything "right" when we are in high energy, mistakes and accidents are bound to happen, and thus reinforcing the belief that nothing I do can ever be right. a vicious cycle.

Since I started applying the Desteni tools of breathing, slowing down and becoming aware of me here as the physical, as my body, dealing with the points that exist within me, I have stopped this point of seeking adrenaline, of being in high energy to a certain extent. I say certain extent because it gets reactivated each time something happens, something takes place and then it feels like I am dealing with this point all over again, just when I thought now I can be a monk walking in calm and breathing, something happens and I am right at square one, another dimension opened up at this point.

And here is where the two points of the childhood experiences and the jaw popping experiences come into play. When a situation/event takes place, may it be a big once in a life time thing, or a thing that can occur on a daily basis where I feel my survival is on the line (jawLINE) – I activate the JAW popping game of making myself feel strong in a moment where I belief I am to weak to actually do the "right" things, as the experience of myself is that of weakness, the weakness I am experiencing is that I feel I cannot make the right decision ever, so I have to be strong to make the wrong decision regardless and live with it regardless of the feedback I get from others, and to deal with others I have to be strong, I have to be able to stand for the sake of my survival.

So, while my jaw and face may look strong on the outside, on the inside my teeth and my mouth and my jaw muscles are weak and suffering. It is by the very actions of wanting to be strong or put forth a strong sense of self that I am weakening myself, as taking on this strong character that always does everything wrong I am reinforcing the belief that I am weak, and no matter what I do always make the wrong decisions.
It is like being a sponge, and believing that by putting a stone on top of yourself and squishing yourself flat so that only the stone is visible will suddenly make you the stone, just because you aren’t seen or visible, but in the meantime that pressure of the stone is destroying the sponge, you.

For an immediate correction of this jaw clenching point and releasing pressure from my teeth, I have been focussing a lot on relaxing my entire face, it is a consistent focus and awareness to do this, as it takes two seconds and I am back into the old habit, I also support myself by placing my tongue against the roof of my mouth and keeping it there in awareness. I do feel a LOT of other points being challenged within this relaxing of my entire face, I have to multi-task and correcting points within myself as energies I am holding onto, to let them go and to stop certain ways of looking at life through facial expressions that are automatic.

To be continued.

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Day 637 – 32 words, ANNOYED word 2 - (for Parents)

Postby Gian » 29 Mar 2018, 00:05 ... 2-for.html

I am annoyed right now, it is this feeling of just wanting to STOP whatever is annoying me.

The situation right now is, I want to write a blog, it is me in my room with my partner and my 4,5-year-old son. My partner and I are sitting at our computers busy with work, my son is sitting on a cupboard with his rat in a blanket, he is wrapped in the blanket and the rat is running around him on the cupboard, now my son has something he is doing with this blanket around him, how he is wrapping himself in this blanket, he is playing a game. Now, as I am sitting here wanting to write a blog and my wife is sitting at her computer, my son is CONSTANTLY calling out to us to look, I am not exaggerating here, every 5 seconds he says my partners name to look at him so he can show her what he is doing, it is as if his doing is his showing at the same time, Now I have to hear this as well while focussing on my writing, but I just can’t, it is CREEPING into me, this consistent Leila, Leila, Leila, Leila, and my partner does not direct every call, she is also focussed, so he does this till he gets attention, So, now I am also getting annoyed at my partner for not directing it immediately, I do not want to say a thing, because I know I am in reaction, I know my son is calling my partner, so me saying anything would be strange and obvious for what it is, a reaction from me, and I hold myself back when I know I will speak from reaction (sometimes I let one or two slip, this is when I have accepted and allowed the annoyance to become reasonable and motivated by anger to control(to control to hid what??) Then even if you give him attention, then it just continues to the next thing.

While I am now sitting at my computer ready to write my blog, this feeling of annoyance just gets bigger, I breathe and I focus, I breathe and I focus, but it continues, and then this feeling comes up of just wanting to say “””CESAR, ENOUGH!! Please focus on your game for a bit, at least longer than 5 seconds before asking us to look, us looking at you constantly isn’t fun and not part of playing, what is the POINT of us looking at everything you do all the time, you must enjoy your play, us looking does not change anything”””<--al of that is mind reasoning/justification, thus invalid) – I want to STOP this, I want to end it, I want to get rid of it, because I want to get rid of the experience within me, how I experience myself, I HATE the experience within me, it is like something is scratching within me, and I don’t know how to get it out, I don’t know what is it that is scratching within me – all I know is this experience of annoyance.
So, now it is time to scratch this open myself, time to slow down and go within, and see within what is here. I am literally doing this live so to say, as it happens right now. Thanks to my wife that is now granting me the time to have the time to do this as she is now with our son, talking about why the rat does not have babies, and that there is a man rat needed and so on.

Not having things as I WANT it to be – so how do I want to have things? I am asking this question because it is in direct conflict with my reality and within myself and what I have to work with, which means, I am looking for the RIGHT circumstances for me to not have to face or deal with me and what is hidden behind the annoyance, my past, were I can just relax and believe that nothing is wrong, there is nothing within me to deal with. These circumstances would mean I have to live completely alone, away from other people, away from people and animals and any responsibilities that is more than me, this means I would have to literally just have me and my life, and care about what I do next, where I go next and nothing else must exist within my reality that might ever come into my space. This will be the best setup for my MIND to have, to never deal with my annoyance, where annoyance is obviously just the cover-up for something else within me, annoyance is like the bodyguards defending what is behind the annoyance.

I see that I needed some extra information on this word to really go deeper, as I need more words to give me a key to go through the door, and I have found this just now on Google, which makes a ton of sense and really opens up another door for me into understanding annoyance, this scratching within me.

Definition - Middle English (in the sense ‘be hateful to’): from Old French anoier (verb), anoi (noun), based on Latin in odio in the phrase mihi in odio est ‘it is hateful to me’

Now, since I got that definition and also more of the root of the word, I immediately connected to the “it is hateful to me” here I interpreted it in the way that I am annoyed at things that I BELIEVE are hateful TOWARDS me, so I have this defence mechanism within me where anything in my reality that I perceive as being hateful towards me, which is like being deliberate towards me, to harm me, to teas me, to take advantage of me – I go into annoyance to charge myself up, to then generate this energy within me to build up a defence force to defend me against what am currently perceiving as being an attack on me deliberately, to spite me, to cripple me.

Let me now show what I see with the event that took place and how this new perspective on the word opened up quite a nice and clear understanding for me to NEXT time when I get annoyed to stop myself, to then remind myself to LOOK for where am I perceiving and accessing a BELIEF that whatever is happening is deliberate, an attack on me in a spiteful way to kind of diminish me and make me react, when in fact it isn’t, it is me accessing past memories, as past experiences where I had situations that carried similar setups and are now projecting it onto my reality in the current moment so I can relax, breathe and realize that NO ONE is deliberately attacking me to be spiteful or nasty or doing something to me to harm me and being hateful towards me in an indirect way.

So, before the annoyance started with my son saying Leila, Leila, Leila the whole time to get her attention, we told him that we need some time now to get to some of our things, so he understood that and that we will not be able to sit with him and play with him, as we will need to be busy to get certain things done. So, now after communicating this to our son, he gets on with playing on his own, but he starts calling out my partners name the whole time to now LOOK at how he is paying and what he is doing, which is still now taking our time and not granting us the moment to get to our things. This is where I then Take it as a deliberate attack on me/us, I perceive it as my son now taking advantage of the fact that he can simply call our names and get our attention anyway through us looking, but not having to actually play with him, and this is what then scratches within me, that he is playing us, taking advantage and being deliberate in sort of “outsmarting us, like he is saying, hahaha, you don’t want to play with me, sit with me, then I will still take your time but in a different “annoying” way. Maybe then you will give in and anyway come play with me and stop what you are doing.

What happened is (occording to my perception still) – we communicated with him that we will not be able to play with him, by being with him, and will be busy on our PC’s – we did not say anything about - we will also not be able to give you attention though looking at everything you do as we will be focussed on writing and checking assignments and so on, so even if you call our names out for an hour, we will not be able to look as we will be focussed, unless it is an emergency or something urgent, then we will.

So, the annoyance is with ME 100%, as I did not communicate effectively with my son, I did not take the time to lay it out for him (as he does understand what we are saying) I wasn’t specific, and neither did I actually communicate with my partner about what she meant with needing time, with what she is okay with, so my son did Call out for my partner, as she only said to him, not playing with him, but she didn’t say anything about speaking, so he spoke to her, I, on the other hand, assumed that all of it meant, he must be quiet as well to a certain extent to let us focus (not like totally quiet, he can scream and so forth – I am referring to him wanting our specific focus the whole time) here I see that I am also not on the same page with my partner with what is she okay with when she needs to focus, as we both have different levels of focus, I need some serious quiet time, and she does not so much (I assume again lol).

Solution – when and as I am experiencing Annoyance, I remind myself of the new deeper definition of the word I have discovered of – it is hateful to me” where I have changed it to ‘ it is hateful towards me” as I then can access where am I accessing the belief/perception/assumption and experience of what is happening to me currently is hateful towards me from the other individual or the situation/circumstances” to then check where in my reality have I not communicated and aligned myself with my reality within the specific point I am finding myself experiencing “annoyance” within – to then sort out the assumptions I am functioning within myself and my reality, to then according to the feedback I get realign my communications/movement to be more specific and in detail to be that which is in consideration of all involved.

It is like when I was about eleven years old, and my older cousins pinned me down and tickled me, I assumed they would stop after I ask, but they didn’t, they contused till I could not breathe, till I peed my pants, this created an experience of someone being hatful towards me, deliberate harm that did not start out as harm, so now whenever something takes place where I am being tickled, I get annoyed to be able to get angry, build up that energy to be able to then take on control mode, to take on a stance of fury and to destroy this thing I interpret as some hidden deliberate harm.

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Day 638 - What do I STAND as, Fear or Life?

Postby Gian » 02 Apr 2018, 01:22 ... -life.html

What I fear I attract. When I leave my brothers and Sisters to fear I equally accept and allow the attraction/creation.

Fear is an illusion, when we stop fear it does not exist. So why do I fear? The question changes here to be more specific to rather what do I fear, what is more specific than why, why is simple, I fear because of the believe that I am separate from ALL that is here, so I place myself in a bubble of me against everything, where everything is against me, where I am in a consistent state of blame, victimization, fight or flight, control and following irrational thoughts and thinking.

When I ask what I fear, I can see where I have accepted separation and abdicated responsibility for myself, and when I abdicate responsibility as myself, I abdicate responsibility for ALL and everything that is here, as I am all that is here as the manifestation of what is here one and equal. This places me within a consistent position of fear/paranoia/stress and anxiety.

What I fear is HOW I will die, and within the fear of HOW I will die, I fear suffering, what I will go through, how the death of me will be, I fear suffering, I fear torture, I fear abuse, I fear a position of powerlessness where I have NO say, no way out, no way of making a difference or preventing what is going to be done onto me or could be done onto me to the point where I die, and then what I fear after that is either existing with this trauma for eternity as what I went through or simply not existing/destroyed.

Can I make peace with suffering? Can I stand one and equal to suffering, to torture, to the abuse and abuse of the physical body that is intentional and against my will, can I stop the fear of this, and even when this occurs, if it were to occur, can I stand equal and one within such a moment, and yet not have fear, to not give into the mind as illusion and to actually be here and stand within who I am.

Sure, it isn’t necessary, what is my fear telling the universe/LIFE/existence? It is saying, please let this point manifest so that I can face it just to not fear it, so I see and realize that either way, I can stop the fear, or manifest the fear to only end up stopping the fear anyway, only to realize that after it all, I am still here, I am okay and I must move forward. Either in this life or the hereafter, I am always with me, and fear either way is useless and an illusion..

FEAR is showing us as humanity how to manifest within this holographic existence, where we are collectively GOD, and what we participate within we manifest in fact, we as humanity as a whole together always through all time are manifesting and creating.

Scriptures such as the Bible are passed on sins, it is a book where people have written the past and the future within, and so have locked in generations to keep on creating the revelation as the end of days, because this book is a great example how what our grandparents FEARED as the end of the world to come should be ,and yet has never come, yet we as the grandchildren still now carry that end times scripture within us, as if we are taking a burning torch and carrying it on to keep it burning and thus keep this manifestation in sight and creating it. And so it shall be. So, to be clear that this is showing what we fear isn’t necessarily manifested in our lifetimes either, as manifestation takes time, but take a look, we as HUMANITY are GOD and to god (the physical/life) a day is a thousand years on earth. A thousand years is but 12 fully lived generations plus minus for the human form as god vessel.

If we strongly believe in the end of days, the end of the world, we will create it, we will make it happen, we WILL manifest it and we will experience it as a collective, as humanity, if we BELIEVE heaven on earth will be here within a hundred years, it will be so, we will create it, we will make it so, yet FEAR seems to be the easiest path, suffering seems to be preferred above real labour/work and to create.

Ask yourself this, whos fears/i;;usions are we carrying like a burning torch to keep it alive, to manifest it,, to make it so? and we must realize that we keep running with that torche forward to manifest that illusion/fear just because w efear doing somthing in vain if we stop, and that ALL we have believed in, participated within to menifest a fear will have been for nothing, so we would rather NOT stop and keep going just to not do it for nothing, even if it means destroying everything and going through unpresidented suffering for generations.

I have witnessed this for myself, how I can be SOO lazy that I would rather live in dirty room with things standing everywhere and me just sitting on my ass because I feel like it, rather than getting up and cleaning my room.

I have seen how I prefer the mess, the chaos, the destruction and negligence of things within my world, within MYSELF as a being, over spending some time, some moments of a bit of “discomfort” to create myself, to develop and to expand, I would rather live in a world of complete disorder and discomfort as my surroundings than having some discomfort within myself as my experience.

Because I FEAR I will fuck up, and so through the fear of fucking up, I have given up and simply let everything be a fuck up, because that way nothing can be pinpointed to ME being the fuckup, because LOOK everything is a fuckup, there is no evidence to blame just me, I didn’t create this.

Why are we accepting and allowing the destruction of earth? Because we all fear if we stood up and showed our heads, then we will suddenly be responsible, and thus it will be able for others to blame and judge us, so we rather not get up at all and just get lost in the mess, to hide in the mess and we would rather be murdered, starve and go through horrendous experiences such as the end of the world, than having a hit of discomfort within ourselves, we hate inconvenience, yet we as a group as humanity accept and allow inconvenience for earth and our species as the life here in the physical inconvenience as if it is natural – as long as we just do not experience anything inside of ourselves that is uncomfortable for a moment to change.

There is NO stopping what we have already given permission to manifest and that has already manifested and that now will be the consequential outflows of that acceptances and allowances as our FEARS to manifest, and yes whatever we can imagine as our fears will come true, this is oneness and equality, this is what it means to be god in fact, we create what we BEHOLD.
But, we are god right?

For a moment, take in the fact that you are god in fact, you manifest in fact what has been, that is here and what will be, what if god stop, a dead stop, what if god simply does not move forward on what is already here and say till here and no further, I forgive myself, I accept full responsibility for what is here as ALL time, all consequences, I forgive all fear, I stand as LIFE, I will myself to stand as what is best for all life, I stop to fear my brothers and sisters, I stop the illusions of separation, I a all that is here as LIFE, I allow myself to let go of all illusions of fear, no matter how extreme the fear is, I stop, I am here, be still and Know that I am god, I am god, what does that mean, be still, still and darkness.

I realize that I am the one in fact behind the steering wheel, I can turn around now, I do not linger anymore in regret, in shame, I no longer linger in the illusion that it is too late, I Stand as LIFE.

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Day 639, 32 words –DISCONNECTED word 3

Postby Gian » 03 Apr 2018, 23:12 ... ord-3.html

At first, when I read this word there was no attraction towards the word to work with it, to explore the word. I looked at it and I saw nothing. This is where my Desteni tools kicked in, I slowed down and breathed and looked at the word instead of just scrolling past it with my eyes looking for the next word, a word that I would have a “feelings” towards to work with.

As I paused and looked at the word and kept saying it to myself, DIS – CON – NECT – ED, still nothing came up. I placed a red flag, as I noticed that nothing was “coming up” I still sensed this kind of white barrier within me, I say white because that’s what comes to mind like there is something hidden, yet not hidden, and this word is behind that white barrier.

When I look at this barrier that comes up within me, I see that this IS the point of disconnected, as there should be NO barriers within me, as that is a disconnection within me from me. I am finding this quit “exciting” now as I am exploring this word, but not through the definition of the word or the sounding of the word as usual, but I am finding that I am actually finding the manifestation and living of this word within me, which has no feeling, no reference, as that is the implication of this word – Disconnected.

As I have disconnected me from something, then it is obvious that there is no connection to have a feeling, or emotion, or memory, or thought, or reference, or anything to come up within me to say YES!! This is the word I must work with, as there is something, the point of this word is that there should be nothing yet something, the nothing is that there is no connection, yet there not being a connection as a “problem” makes it something and not nothing.

So what am I disconnecting myself from? Wow, this is quite interesting, I have a slight resistance coming up now with a hint of anxiety arising as if I am surprising myself, yet at the same time I kind of already at a quantum time processed what it is, which is that I have disconnected me from ME. This ME is a part of who I am yet I disconnected myself from that part, I discarded it as not relevant within this world, and thus not relevant to me.

I will now go to the dictionary to find the definition of this word too.


having had a connection broken.
"he expected the disconnected phone to start ringing"
· (of a person) lacking contact with reality.
"I drove away, feeling disconnected from the real world"

detached, separate, separated, divorced, cut off, isolated, dissociated, disengaged, removed, unconnected, unattached;
"I drove away feeling disconnected from the real world"
· (of speech, writing, or thought) lacking a logical sequence.
"a disconnected narrative"

When I look at the word Disconnected, I see IS Connected with a D in front of it – The D is like this white wall I described within me, the D is standing as a Denial, a denial that I am connected, IS connected. What am I standing within denial of within my reality, within REALITY as all that is here? That I am not connected/disconnected.

I am going to go back to self and see with my own eyes why I am living I denial of the fact that I am connected to all that is here, not in a spiritual way, but in a literal scientific way, not just in matter but in fact in actual current day to day events, happening and all that is actually going on, that I am in fact connected to it all, especially in my direct reality, I can see how within my direct reality I have points of abdicating involvement or playing a part In certain things that takes place, or how things move or are going and so I within myself disconnect myself from certain points moving to stand outside of it as an observer. I do this as I FEAR speaking or acting on certain points that are being moved and then having a hand within it, I fear this because I fear that if things within certain events and situations do not work out, that I will be connected to why and how things possible move. This is a position I take the belief that if I do not see the monsters then they will not harm me, a childhood belief.

Within the other part of the definition of the word disconnected it mentions is “lacking a logical sequence” – wow, I never knew the definition can be that specific in defining disconnected to attach this definition somehow to be relevant to logic, and then sequence, which is WORDS and making sense of reality.

This is something I have been struggling a lot within my reality, as my previous blog on articulate made it clear, and probably dozens of other blogs since 2012.

This makes the moments where I disconnect myself from reality/events/situations/circumstances and MYSELF much clearer – as I have never been able to place what I SEE or what I want to DO into a logical sequence to be able to ACTUALLY participate in a way that expresses me in my totality and to have the effect that I wanted, that was within me, that which I saw in fact, and so I within this simply disconnected myself and to rather have NO play. But what I am not seeing and realizing is that I am always a player, even if I am simply standing on the side and watching, listening and seeing, my very act of just standing there not saying a word, not moving a muscle is playing a role that affects the whole play ANYWAY.

Ok – time to slow down, as I have been writing out the phase of exploration above, I started developing this unrest within me in relation to this word – DISCONNECTED – a small feeling of sadness, a memory of childhood, a moment of breaking something within me, giving up, distancing myself from ME, a part of me, a part that I have seen useless, a part of me that I dug a hole for and put it in there and closed it up. I feel that this part of me was something that annoyed and burdened others and thus with this part I was ignored and shunned from reality, unless I killed this part of me, and I developed a HATE towards myself for being this way, having this trait, this expression that didn’t seem to fit in, this soft and kind part of myself, this caring and loving child.

Looking inside of self I see many memories popping up, many moments where I slowly started disconnecting myself, where I slowly started placing this white wall of an illusion within me, the illusion is that I believe I can disconnect myself, and I have been living within this illusion through living out the opposite of what I disconnected myself from within myself, outside of myself.

The memories/moments all took place at the age of 6 and 13. ALL these memories are specifically in relation to animals/nature – I want to jump to the statement of ‘ I have stopped caring for nature and animals as a true expression s society didn’t care and every time I cared no one cared and found me annoying and a burden when I requested action” but I will not jump to this conclusion of the memories – the memories were all with animals and very specific, but these events could have been in relation to anything else and still had the same effect, the effect where I stopped actually caring, where I stopped actually showing affection towards anything.

I have disconnected myself from the decision I have made where I chose the matrix over life and where I have abandoned life within me and so within this world, where I gave over my expression to that of a personality with multiple characters to survive, to fit in, to be cool, to get a girlfriend, to not be bullied, to not be seen as weird, to not be seen as the person that is different. I have killed my care through making that decision that is more important for me to survive and to let the animals/nature/life suffer and have no one be the voice for them, as I gave my voice away to a system instead, in my head.

Now, I see and realize that the past is the past, I cannot go back and regain the experience and expression I was as a child, as it is coming from a memory, and memories cannot be trusted. So, I see and realize I must WILLINGLY create myself to actually CARE, to DARE myself to be all that which I was afraid of and LIVE it, express it, to end self-interest and fear, as I see and realize that it is more valuable to have lived for real than to fake for survival, to stand for all than to just stand for myself, and to be different, weird, strange, and annoy and burden people with care is much better than to coward away in awareness of what is going on. Now, I am not saying preaching, I am not saying going into irrational actions of the mind as projections of images of what this must be like, I am stating and committing myself to start with myself daily, to implement this expression as me as my environment and from there I expand naturally, creating this real time, to realize my in fact connection, remove the illusion of disconnectedness and so all the fears.

A voice for and as LIFE, as I am connected in fact, not even connected, I am simply all here as one, now to bring inequality is the point I commit myself to stand as within all forms and shapes and all matters that actually matter.

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Day 640 - When all conspiracies lead to an inconvenient TRUTH

Postby Gian » 07 Apr 2018, 17:06 ... ad-to.html

Today I am going to take on a topic I have been avoiding for a while, I have been avoiding talking about “conspiracies” because I have judged myself for not being capable or able to place information in a sequence that brings about a holistic view of what I am seeing and want to say, to not hurt anyone or to offend anyone.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to just make a video on any conspiracy and giving my point of view on the conspiracy is because I have not been able to conduct my own real-time research into the conspiracy, I have only been able to go with what has been provided as knowledge and information on the internet. This is from people’s personal research, articles, videos and so much more.
The thing is, which conspiracy do I focus on? If I were to give my opinion/point of view, because there are literally dozens and I see it this way, for one conspiracy to make sense, all of them has to be able to come together in the end to create a holistic view and thus a certain truth.

So I have probably spent about 300 or more hours of my life in the past three years watching a ton of videos and reading dozens of articles on many conspiracies. I never cared about investigating any conspiracies in the past as I have already seen years ago that focusing on myself is more important and changing myself and to become my utmost potential, and so my focus has been for years on writing, applying self-forgiveness and developing myself, eventually rebirthing myself as life as the physical.

In the many years of walking my own process of change I have come to realize the importance, in fact, the MOST important thing, that to focus on self is the most powerful thing there is, and here I am not saying focussing on self as being selfish and self-interested, I am saying focussing on self in the sense of birthing self as life, to become a human that moves and breathes that which is best for all life, to live in such a way that my effect of change is literally in me moving my fingers, my every breath to be that which is best, that is within consideration of all that is here. To be able to always in any given moment take self-responsibility for any thought, feeling or emotion that comes up, to investigate myself and understand myself, to empower myself where I actually can, in fact, empower myself, and so as I am empowered I become an empowerment for others simply through who I am as my expression.

I started this journey ten years ago. Over time I had this idea that most people should be turning to self, to the process of ending brainwashing, conditioning and mind control of self through walking an actual process of doing this, which is what is available at – I kept my eyes on what is happening within my own social groups, where people are moving and turning to, and I have in the past 5 years noticed that instead of an internal movement things have been moving more outwards, more into the environments of conspiracies – here I would like to say even though I use the word conspiracies, I do not see it as conspiracies such as how the system has labelled it, I see it as actual scientific movement of investigating all things and hopefully keeping what is GOOD (best for all).
The term conspiracy has been used to place a “negative” energy to the word as to ridicule and humiliate those that are partaking in anything that is considered a conspiracy and so to invalidate what they are saying through just using that word conspiracy. The same way communism was demonized by that word and what was placed on it. Same way Hippies are seen as just stupid dumb people knowing nothing of life, all programmed just through the word hippy.

Now, moving forward with this post I am going to make a GREAT point that comes from my own personal investigation and what I have come to as a conclusion as a real possible solution for all conspiracies, I will also mention what the benefits are of conspiracies and yet where they become more of a distraction than a benefit. I will also share how all conspiracies lead to a single truth that we all must always take from any conspiracy.

I have watched and read many articles on all the following conspiracies.

· - Flat Earth
· - Halo earth and what is inside
· - Flat earth with a dome and small moon and sun, even two suns
· - Flat earth with extra continents hidden from us beyond the Antarctica, where the Antarctic is a ring around the planet, not in the south pole as one continent
· - Antarctica and what’s really going on there on a spherical planet, pyramids, ancient civilization or aliens still living there.
· - South Pole, halo earth again
· - Polar shifts that naturally occur every 20000 years for causes of earth’s problems with weather, the government not informing us of this occurrence.
· - Global warming and sustainability hoaxes
· - Planet Nibiru or planet X coming to earth and the government is hiding it from us as the real cause of global warming
· - The moon is fake
- The moon landing was faked, either all of it, or we did go and is hiding something found there.
· - Man never even went to space or the moon as we can’t leave our atmosphere, satellites are not even out of the earth, because of the radiation around the planet.
· - Giants still exist and the government is hiding it
· - Rocks and mountains are ancient Giants that were up to 3000 kilometers tall, their faces and body parts can be seen everywhere and scientifically been proven as being human remains petrified.
· - The true age and history of ancient civilizations such as the pyramids and their origin and purpose.
· - Aliens/UFO’s and abductions and still flying around the earth, with the government secretly working with them.
· - Area 51 and Roswell alien interviews.
· - Illuminati and the elite and their controls to the means of control.
· - Some mountains around the world were Giant 6km tall trees, even bigger, and scientifically proven to have been trees in the past but has been petrified. All cut down now.
· - Underground bases build for elite when the earth is flooded with melting ice/water to escape into.
· - Reptilians/Anunnaki as man’s creators, hidden history, advanced ancient civilizations existed with high tech better than ours today.
· - Chemtrails, what are they for, to poison us and to drug us, or to hide something in the sky?

This list can go on, I might not think of it all right now, but on the topics, I have mentioned above, I have done investigations, research on each and every one of them intensely.

But as I said, I personally did not go out and did the physical work and checking it out, I suppose me going to the Antarctic will be impossible, in my lifetime, due to me as a normal citizen not being able to go. Or going to the South Pole and checking out if there is a hole, or visiting Area 51 and taking a walkabout there, or me visiting pyramids and ancient structures to actually see it and do some tests (if these methods of testing is even reliable) and see for myself, I mean it is impossible for me as one person with a limited life time on this planet to check out everything and to focus on each and every point, so the best that I have is through other people who are doing the individual research to the best of their limited abilities within this world. This is also where it becomessomething different.

What we look for we will find, not because it is there, but because our minds eye is fixed on what it is looking for, therefore how we look for something will always be in the finding of it, in our actions, our angles, our attitude, our videos, pictures everything will be to prove it and make it seem as such. This is simply how it works, we will find it if we are looking for it and we will even in our looking create it, manifest the proof through our very actions that are aligned with our intention and biases.
This is when I watch videos and read articles, I know that the research and investigations were done TO find what they were looking for, and not to NOT find what they were looking for. So through every single “conspiracy”, I have found exactly what the conspiracy is looking at, I have been convinced by each and every conspiracy. So, I took myself out of the conspiracies and I looked at all of them in one big picture, knowing that each and every conspiracy has convinced me, BUT it is no different than how the people that the conspiracy is conspiring against has convinced me of their “truths” – when I say no different I mean, to me it is still just knowledge and information.

The benefits of conspiracies:

It breaks the previous brainwashing of the person from what they have been conditioned to and enslaved to without questioning it, and to open their reality to everything that is here and the possibilities of reality. Which hopefully will lead to them realizing that they are programmable and brainwashable and that tthey are able to be mind controlledand brainwashed.

The negative side of conspiracies:

It creates a new narrative of knowledge and information that renders a person useless with no ability to do anything about the current situation but to lose themselves on the opposite side of a situation and simply brainwash and mind control themselves through the new information presented and become obsessed or disoriented with the new information, which lead to no point of actually realizing the implications of what all of it means in relation to themselves as a being, where the conspiracy becomes the focus point, and not themselves through the realization that – HOLY SHIT – I was brainwashed and mind-controlled without ever noticing or caring, because look these conspiracies just changed my reality forever, so let me focus on who am I, developing myself, because I have never done that, this places everything of ME that I define as ME into question and who I am as a being, so I better start focussing on me and my process. But what tends to happen is the person brainwashes and controls themselves with the conspiracy theory to occupy their time and thus become a programmed robot for the conspiracy, no different than what the person was before, only now they are on the side of presented truth, not actual yet.

So the single TRUTH that all conspiracies lead to is that we are all programmes, brainwashed and mind controlled. Conspiracies are doing a GREAT job at showing this, within the fact that you can go from not questioning anything to suddenly having a bubble burst and a new world/reality opening up, which shows one thing, there was a bubble, who placed it there? how and why? how do I stop this, how do I become the director of myself, how to I take authority back as myself as who I am and to thus not be controlled again, to not be brainwashed again, to not fall for a narrative but rather be the narrative of myself as life in this life or the next (death) as LIFE.

Useing conspiracies to process benifits (Desteni process at

I started watching as many conspiracies as possible, not to go into them or to follow them or to make them my life purpose to prove or disprove if it is real or not, I watched them from the starting point of my process, I use, and used conspiracies to fast forward and to support and assist me in breaking my brainwashing and to pop as many bubbles as possible, to break facts into fiction, to break believes into opinions, and to from there deprogram myself from childhood brainwashing and thus adult mind controls. I within this applied my breathing and writing of self-forgiveness within my process of Desteni, using all my tools.

I now see the moon and sun different, I see mountains different, I see the sky above me different, I see everything around me different from what I was forced to learn as a child, but be careful here, I do not now see mountains as dead Giant or cut down trees, that again is looking through a veil/brainwashing and thus another problem created, a contamination, I simply have started seeing everything more for what it is HERE ( a clean slate) currently as an expression and me within it, I do not read into it, I do not look at a mountain and think about volcanoes and lava and the earth that moved and crushed, I do not think, wow that mountain looks like a tree or a dead Giant from long ago, I see the mountain and stop thinking, I do not know anything about you and still have everything to learn. Unless I can start communicating with the mountain itself, which is possible, I do not know anything, as nothing in this world can be trusted, NOTHING of the current system or human gadgets saying what things are. If you create a device to find silicone in something, you will find silicone somewhere.

I am realizing more and more how important it is to be Silent and know that I am god, that I am here, that I am within this word but not of this world, the world here referring to what humans have set up and created, I am of the earth, the universe, life. Darkness is all I can trust and me directing and moving myself in each moment and breath of every day is what I can trust, when a thought, feeling or emotion arises, I cannot trust that, where does it come from? I mean, I am now more than ever aware of how brainwashable I am, how easily I can be mind-controlled and be placed into something by following a simple feeling, emotion or thought, experience – and this is what the elite wants, for us to NOT be silent and know that we are god, as long as we are not focussing on ourselves we can be directed in any and all directions and they do not care if that is to truth or lies, they want us distracted, that’s all.

Imagine, that is all they need, they do not even need us to NOT find out the truth, that’s irrelevant, they will keep us distracted even with the truth in our hands, they win, because that truth is still outside of ourselves, so they have all the power to control what is within us, because we are abdicating ourselves, we are giving ourselves away and giving permission for them to be our gods, because we aren’t taking that throne within us, we are stuck on the outside in their playground.

Required input for self-honesty introspection.

Do not think that for a moment, revealing some truth about the world, about anything that is currently labelled as a conspiracy will EVER wake up humankind, if World War 1 and World War Two could not wake up humankind. WW1 and WW2 has shown to what extent the human race has been brainwashed, and this brainwashing and conditioning LIES within each and every person, and even if the WORLD changes as those two wars did, it changed the world, nothing of man changed. Suddenly revealing or finding out the world is flat, or Giants exist, or Aliens exist, or that the government has been doing things or hiding things, those aren’t comparable to WW1 and WW2, so how will they have any different effect, not even famine, or starvation or death, torture or violence to a very high degree changed the human species. Not even if it is revealed that there is an entire planet inside of our globe with an advanced giant race living there, we will not change, we will continue as we are, as it has been proven throughout thousands of know and recorded history - Even if there was ancient civilizations of humans on this earth with greater technology and spirituals means, where are they? they ended, they did not make it.

The journey for real and actual change is within each and every person’s ability and responsibility and that’s all where it is and ever will be. So use conspiracies to lead people to personal transcendence as their action for correction, give them a path and tools to use, and here I suggest strongly to visit

Take another look at at common sense, only when we internally change as a specie, as humankind, can we truly change the FACE of the planet to be that of heaven on earth no matter that shape, we can daily already in our small steps of change have a define impact in the physical, in our words of self-honesty and self-responsibility, we can change and become walking examples among our fellow people. This is real effects, real change which those who seek to control cannot handle or know how to direct, as the mind stops, the tool that the elite is dependent on to use to mind-control and to brainwash ends in each person through ending it within themselves first and standing in silence and knowing who they are as life, as oneness and equality.

Only once we as a human species has changed the face of the earth through who we are as beings and changing the economics, the politics, the structural way of how things move and are directed, till not one person on this planet round or flat isn’t starving and being abused, only then shall we through our living be granted the RIGHT and way to then start with REAL research, real investigations into matters that we so desperately want answers to, and then we will have the luxury of doing all of that in truth and total transparency for all. But that isnt here yet, and so it is used against us as allways.

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18


Postby Gian » 10 Apr 2018, 22:54 ... rious.html

Life is so god damn serious (sour)!! Really? Is it life that is serious? Ok, I will take this back to myself – I am so GOD DAMN SERIOUS!!

Why am I so serious? And when do I get so serious? I mean, it sometimes feels like everything is just serious, like I am walking on sharp stones that is LIFE or DEATH, if I just take one single step wrong on these rocks I will fall into DEEP SHIT, shit that I can’t handle? Shit where others will make things shit/hell for me?

All my ACTIONS and WORDS are connected directly or indirectly to the one thing, the one ring that binds us ALL – MONEY. Every word I utter/speak, every action I take or make leads to consequences with MONEY – may it be positive or negative, that’s the point of the word consequences.

Did I say the right thing? Or the wrong thing? Who LIKES what I said/say and who does not? Did I do or am I doing something someone does not like, or like, I mean fuck, what is this, my survival/life is literally dependant on what others think of me, or is it?

We go deeper. Reason can be YES, if your boss does not like you, or your clients does not like you, FUCK it, you can suffer, get fired or have no customers, regardless of what you have to offer – If the opinions of others are against you, you lost, and you will feel the wrath of opinions through how your very survival is threatened, like a deep spitefulness, a knife used to show you are disliked, so suffer.
Ok, expressing the seriousness as the feeling, the emotion within is what’s coming up, the imagery and the words, sentences, which are sentencing me to my own convictions of me as my own judgments of myself and onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BE and ACT so serious in everything I do, as if life or death hangs at the balance of if I am being serious or not in my appearances, in my acting. Am I acting the right way, if this character convincing enough to be on the edge of being right, this sharp edge of a knife that I can so easily slip off from and cut myself in half, who am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I have been TOLD and thus to HOLD onto as the MOST important things in life, which is MONEY and people liking you to be the MOST serious of things, and thus within these two points find myself in a prison as people are everywhere and money is all I see in this world, so apparently everything is important except me, so I must take this very serious.

Anything that has to do with MONEY must be so fucking serious, so fucking fragile, it is like handling fucking god, be careful with money, take care of money, protect your money, make sure you have enough money to retire, make sure you have insurance, it is VERY serious issues, because you can die, well you will die. But still be so oh so serious about this, but please be so reckless with how you treat the planet and animals and nature and all else that exist here, that is less serious.

Talk about taking things personally, so many people, so many colours, so many histories, so many different pasts, so many of everything, always be serious, because you might just not be serious one time and DIE.

There is a major difference between being serious and respect, consideration and understanding. Seriousness is the part where everything is personal, say the wrong word, write something wrong, and you are in serious shit, better to always be serious to avoid serious shit, be the serious shit to give the serious shit, just be serious.

Reckless isn’t the opposite of seriousness, reckless is the opposite of consideration, the opposite of seriousness is actually RELAX and breathe, stop your fear and insecurities.

Now – serious exists, the ENERGY that we take on within serious is the problem, the serious energy that consumes us with the emotion of burden, the emotion of life or death is on the line here in every single things we do, big or small, that our very essence is on the line.

This is revealing a “problem” – wait, I am getting serious again, I just cannot stop myself, I MUST be serious, because then everyone else will take me serious, and then I will have value, wait I am anyway getting to my point of what the problem is through exposing my serious approach on what the problem is haha.

Your hair is falling out - Serious
Your teeth are bad – Serious
You don’t look so healthy – serious
Your relationship – serious
Your job/business – serious
Solving global issues – serious
ANYTHING to do with MONEY – serious

Serious – sourness

How can we solve or do ANYTHING in this world when we take on the essence/spirit of SOUR to solve things, to take things head on, with the sourness attitude and approach.

To take things serious isn’t to take on a “character” that is possessed by a certain mind set/personality that now behaves and acts a certain way to be serious and to apparently be “genuine” – that is an illusion, which is a problem attempting to solve a problem.

Take a look – ANY problem that is attempted to be taken on to a solution where a serious character is involved, shit goes sour, the sourness route, it starts to have like an acid attack on it, trying to dissolve the problem by attacking it with an acid, sourness. By taking the sweetness out of everything and anything to apparently solve a problem, dissolving the sweetness – because ones VIEW point within the serious character sis that of DEATH of LIFE, a polarity design, this or that and so REAL solutions cannot be seen or approached, the seriousness will stop anything that is “different” and not serious, not one way or the other.

In your relationship, take a look, any point that is taken on to solve a problem or to resolve conflicts of interest, to come to an agreement turns SOUR when the approach is SERIOUS – it is a fuckup.
How can we ever get really serious when we are only serious to be serious about seriousness as a way to show or hold up something about ourselves on a personal level – may it be of self-value or of self-interest intents (fears or insecurities hidden).

We are like little serious soldiers that seriously uphold an Image of who we believe we must be in certain to even all events/situations that we have accepted and allowed to be a imprint onto us from our parents/those that has gone before us. Imagine yourself being a little soldier, with your one hand by your head saluting to your two parents standing in front of you. I mean, parents do suck the fun out of anything, NO, NO, NO, don’t, do not do that, That cost money, stop it, NO you can’t, NO, I said NO and I said so, I am your parent that is why, you don’t do that, stop doing that, you are my little hero, you are my princess, you are my prince, you are adorable, you are this and that and so on, you are just everything EXCPET you, a sour childhood indeed for most. So you better be serious about living what your parents told you and programmed into you, because that shit defines you, that’s serious shit, you do not DARE breaking that shit, you do not dare failing at those programs drilled into you, you little soldier. It is NOTHING personal to parents, YOU/I accepted and allowed it, WE must change ourselves, so don’t take anything out on your parents. Although you changing you for you can seem a bit different, some friction.

We are programmed to FEAR everything, we are programmed to walk around in this serious manner about ourselves, like everything is at risk all the time, that we must and can never DARE ourselves to express, it isn’t trustworthy, because there is NO fear in expressing ourselves, so it is dangerous, we cannot cross the lines of control and be creative because that unknown, so the serious instructions in everything, from relationships to money HAS to be followed to the T.

How do we move from programmed fear driven SERIOUSNESS to actual SERIOUSNESS as life.
SERIOUS can be SEE I ROSE – how do I RISE, and see it for ME/myself – I remove myself from the eyes that I place onto myself as to what I should and should not be doing, and so I rise above the programs and step into my self-expression and creativity to be HERE fearless. I rise from fear and I SEE I am HERE.

A Simple example – if YOU ever face a situation where you will go into the typical thought of “I must fear this situation” stop the fear and see HOW can you actually direct the situation OUTSIDE of the guidelines of fear OR insecurities, yet have the BEST outcome for ALL involved.

I suggest you look at the following typical situations most people face within this world that is defined as serious, I want you to REMOVE the word serious from the situation, and remove within you the FEAR of what such a situation possible can mean, or are currently meaning for you and others.

Having a ton of Debt – serious right?
Business is failing – serious right?
Relationship issues – serious right?
Not finding a job – serious right?

Now, I am not saying they are NOT serious, I want you to see how the serious MIND SET is like having a square box in front of your face with only a small hole cut in it to see through. Removing that box/seriousness opens up a whole new view/world and removes the FEARS of possibilities and instead opens up possibilities for creative and expression of self, outside of what we were programmed to see and how it should be and will be and can be.

Do this for yourself, and see who you are without fear/insecurities and move and direct yourself with solutions within creativity and expression that is best for all as an outcome. This also means removing a lot of emotions/feelings that has been developed around this “serious view” in approaching life and situations, like depression, anxiety, stress and so forth, breathe and drop them, drop that shit, it is limiting the view and creative self. but still, don't get delusional.

Now as a side note – do not create any expectations, because that’s acting on the energy of “hope” and thus positive enforcement, instead of real practical steps – these real practical steps can surprise you if one dares to break the bondage of self to fear.

To just one last time make it clear - serious things are things that requires direction - it is the who we are within the seriousness that determines EVERYTHING - and this who we are within it, that will be HOW we are driving it, and because we all have this weird way of being serious, we tend to drive things to a negative most of the times, to a point of fear, instead of solutions and direction (direct actions)

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Day 642 - Haha, I lost my Marbles - The Marble Example

Postby Gian » 29 Apr 2018, 21:50 ... arble.html

When someone says “they have lost their marbles” it is an indication of they had something collected and then that collectedness is now not there anymore, it is scattered, everywhere. This is usually when someone goes a bit mad, or have an anger fit – I would just say it is when I react, I lose my marbles.

The GOOD thing about losing my marbles in a moment of reaction is, I choose what I want to pick up again after losing them all, and scattering them all over the place, it is a deliberate action from me that is required to now pick up these marbles, so I have now scattered this collection of spheres, spheres of information/characters/personality name it all, each sphere has something within it that I have defied myself as. This is what I am saying the marbles represent and how it is possible to lose it or scatter it because it isn’t real – it isn’t real within the fact that when I get angry or react I can lose them.

I had a moment today of Reacting, a very deep reaction. A deep reaction is different from an obvious reaction, an obvious reaction is when someone calls me a name and I react to that as an example, a deep reaction is when I react and I just cannot put my finger on it, what am I reacting to within myself, what is it that I am not getting, or seeing within the “external point that is bringing up my inherent point within me through the reaction, so a deep reaction is one that I can’t see in the moment of reaction, the actual reason.

Practical imagination for support

Imagine you are holding ten thousand tiny marbles in your hands, your hands are cupped together and held in front of your chest, you walk around with these marbles every day, these marbles DEFINE you, each and every marble has a word on it, and each word is a definition of who you have defined yourself as, one marble will say Loving, the other will say introvert, then angry, depressed, drunk, addict, dancer, family, mom, dad, I mean the words go on and on, BUT within all these marbles you have a whole bunch that are just emotional and feeling marbles and now all these marbles are all mixed, and you carry it around you all day, you are these marbles and you have to make sure you keep these marbles together or you will lose yourself, if only one goes missing.

Now imagine as you are walking around with these marbles you bump into people, people bump into you, or certain events/situations occur these marbles are shaking each and every time in your hands, some might even slip a bit, as if they were almost going to fall out, and you will in a moment react and get it all together somehow.

Then, on some days, these marbles and carrying these marbles EVERYWHERE with you gets a bit heavy, you feel like just putting them down somewhere and not having to carry them, you know a marbles is heavy, thousands of them are very heavy, and now you can imagine carrying them around within everything you do what weight that places on you, the efforts, the struggles to not drop them, lose them.

With all this great effort to walk around with these marbles you have invested a LOT of your labour and time in collecting them over years and now carrying them with you, so the value of these marbles has become very high, they DEFINE you in all ways, they are all very well equipped to support you in your life, your way of living life, it is how you collected your specific marbles over time to be exactly relevant to your life, to build your personality with these marbles.

Sometimes someone will push you, you will drop a marble and you will go fanatic to find it, because t now feels like you are losing a piece of you, so you must find it, and this person that pushed you are now to blame, because if they did not do what they did, you would not have dropped this marble and possibly lose it, and you would not have had to go through all the efforts of looking and finding this marble to put it back with all the other marbles, and so you can feel secure in knowing who you are, who you have defined yourself to be, the weight of the marbles should always be an exact weight you carry around, so you must have them all, you know the weight very well.

So, Every night when you go to sleep, you lay down in bed with all these marbles in your hands holding them tight, you think about them, you assess them, as many as possible through thinking and as you start falling asleep your hands start relaxing, your marbles gently roll and fall out of your hands, the weight of the marbles leaves your body, and so for about 6 to 8 hours you can have rest, every night, as the marbles weight isn’t with you anymore. But, each morning when you wake up, the first thing you do is quickly gather all the marbles in fear of if you do not do it fast enough you will not get through the day, not knowing who you are, so you place the weight of the marbles on you as fast as possible, so you can feel secure with this weight on you, within who you are. You get up and go through the day again like every day, with all the marbles accounted for.

Remember, when you were born you had No marbles, but from day one you have been given a hand full of marbles by your parents, a special collection that they have and picked for you and that they saw fit for you, this is your basic marbles, from culture to religion and all the way to your name and who they think you are and should be, and the make sure that every day they train you to hold the marbles, they show you and even force you to hold these marbles, you don’t understand, but you trust them unconditionally. By the time you are seven you have taken and made all the marbles yours and who you think and believe you are, you have picked up quite a bit of marbles from all other parts of your life, you can even remember from where and whom, but you are no an addict and possessed collector, and you will only collect marbles that are in alignment with those first marbles that were given to you and forced onto you, you are now a collector. Good and Bad marbles.

As you got older and your collection of tiny marbles has accumulated into thousands, all held in your hands, just fitting between your hands, and anything that does not agree with your marble collection cannot fit in there or the marbles will fall out and splatter everywhere, so whenever something or someone comes along that has a totally different marble collection than you and tried to give you some of their marbles, you will either accept or reject, but either way, your marbles are rattling and things do not feel so stable, so you will even fight to stop the other person or even try and prevent them from entering your reality, because you fear losing your marbles, you fear losing it all and not knowing who you are.

The scariest thing for yourself is that you have no clue actually how many marbles you have any more in your hands and what is really in there, you just keep holding onto all of them in the fear of losing one that might be important, or in the fear of if you try and look through them you can make a mistake and lose them all, so you start avoiding at all costs looking into your marble collection, you even start and try to control your environment and reality to live a certain way that makes sure you only go and DO things that is safe for you to be in to not lose your marbles.

But, this creates a very sensitive reality, a very fragile reality, because within this setup you now believe the whole world is evil and everyone is after you to get your marbles, your special collection, and this creates a paranoid experience within which you live consistently, of losing your marble, which is you fearing losing yourself and who you think you are according to these marbles.

One day, someone comes along, and this someone does something or say something, and as their words and actions represent threir marbles, because everyone is limited to their marbles and what they have, it is like they are trying to force their marbles that does not fit into your collection into your collection, and so with this pushing and shoving you let your grip lose a bit and you drop a couple of marbles, lets imagine you drop a third of all your marbles, and in the fright, the reaction of your marbles being shaken and falling out from this other person, you freak out, you react and you start scattering everywhere to find your marbles in the fear of losing yourself, within this scattering around of finding your marbles you are also trying to now force your marbles onto this other person, to defend yourself, to protect yourself, or even from them stealing the marbles you have now dropped, so at all cost you will go at them, according to what at all cost means in your marble collection and if that marble is even still in there after losing it to use it. This can be in the form of word or actions as the marbles you are using.

After such an event you will find yourself in n interesting position, you will for a moment look at yourself and wonder, who was I just now, losing my marbles really turned me into someone else for a moment, maybe that’s because, within all those hidden marbles of which you have no idea anymore at this point what is in there, something came up that was in there and you just don’t know what it is, but you suppress it and you have now recollected all your marbles that have fallen, so you are okay, you now know who you are again, you hold on tighter to the marbles and now have added an extra marble, you collected another one that is specific to that event and how to handle it next time, if the unknown marbles does not take over and decide for you again (possession).

So, as we can see, these marbles are not really real, they feel real, you spend a lot of time on them, you designed your whole life around them, you have designed yourself as them, the collection, you have literally decided to hold onto them and make them you for decades, so they must be real, yet when someone pushes you, or gives you a shove, or just do something, you are able to lose grip and lose them, drop them – which means they are not you, as they are able to be lost and you are able to the suddenly become someone else for a moment.

So, what if you decided to one day just relax your hands, hang them down, stop holding onto all these marbles that places so much weight on you as who you believe you must be, how you must be, what you must be, I mean everything, and just breathe and NOT collect marbles, not play in the marble collecting game, who will you be? That is the thing that NO ONE knows, that is the fear, in the end, to remove the conditioning and deciding a clean slate, the unknown.

Losing all your marbles through events is what we call going mad/crazy/insane – someone that suddenly has a breaking point, the weight of their marbles are just too much, drops it immediately in a sudden moment and they go crazy, this is losing your marbles, and this is the instability that exists as a whole for everyone in this world at any time, and this is what death brings, when we die, we cannot take our marbles with us, they stay behind. And as the good old saying goes, as above so below, so we don’t know who we are here so if we die with the marbles in our hands, we won’t know who we are hereafter, so we have an opportunity here, to let go of the marbles in a supportive manner where we can one by one understand the marbles and in its place as we remove it create ourselves, get to really know yourself here without an any marbles, and so death does not exist really, or more so the fear of it.

No, I want you to really consider this when you go to sleep you let go of all your marbles, that’s how you can sleep, yet where are you when you sleep, when you are not your marbles? Why aren’t you aware of where you are when your body goes to sleep, do you even then exist? Will this not be a great indication of what is in the hereafter if we die, why would it be any different? It is about YOU here, not if the body is dead or alive. You aren’t aware of your body if it is dead or alive when you sleep, it is not in your awareness at all.

So now, taking it back to more practical terms. Have you ever lost your marbles? Has anyone ever made you react and then you become someone else? The first thing you must realize here is that the marbles as who you believe you are, isn’t real at all, even if it feels real, they are just marbles, a collection of stuff that makes up apparently you.

So what I do for myself is the following, whenever there is a moment when I feel shaken, when I feel and find that I am within a reaction of anger, love, NAME it all, all emotional states or feeling states, (thoughts/thinking is you accessing the marbles, the spheres of contained information labelled by words for access) so when you can have a CLEAR mind because you are in an emotional or feeling state, like love or anger, it means you are being shaken and can’t access your collection of marbles to “think” straight. Thus you are possessed. And in these cases I find myself always afterwards looking for all my marbles again, who I am, to feel safe and secure, BUT this is where I stop myself, I see and realize that if I lost marbles here, then they aren’t real, so I rather breathe and let it go completely, and whatever marbles I find myself looking for or did look for in the moment of being shaken, I also breathe and let it go, I realize they are just marbles, not me.

This way I start letting go of the weight I carry as who I believe I am, whatever it may be, and in its place, I place breathing and a principle, the principle I live by. If I did find a marble and acted that marble out through throwing it at another or doing something with it towards another that leaves a feeling and emotions of regret/shame or any trace of abuse, I forgive myself and I let that marble go, sometimes there are many of the same marbles and I will go and I will find them and take them out myself, this is through the process of writing myself to freedom and self-forgiveness.

Through this process, I am becoming who I am, by removing and letting go, nothing to add on. What I do do is, I place supportive commitment statements that I deliberately place in to live in that marbles place that is always within the principle I live by, which is living what is best for all life.

Every time you see your marbles are being shaken, or falling apart, know that they are just marbles, not really real, they were made real and kept real, all you have to do is drop the marbles and not participate in anything that comes up in your experience, thoughts/thinking. This leaves you HERE breathing as the directive principle that moves as the physical, real-time within what is best for all life including yourself.

Lose your marbles the right way. Do it deliberately and with a direction –

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Resistance to be intimate with myself - The Eco No ME too Into Me I SEE

Postby Gian » 21 May 2018, 00:43

Blog - ... yself.html

I am becoming more and more aware of how I have this resistance within me to be intimate with myself, to be with ME in silence, I see that this resistance is here consistently, like a ghost on my heels in everything I do, this ghost is representing the “past” – how this works is, in each and every moment that I am living “externally” the moment for me to truly express myself as myself as who I am, becomes a ghost, and the more and more I do this, the ghost is getting bigger and bigger, and eventually I will push myself to a point of “breaking” – this is where I will have to make the only decision that is actually a real decision, to be with me here in breath, or not exist basically. The reason I see for this resistance to be with ME/Myself, to be intimate with myself, is due to ALL that I have already done, and I know (this is important, because this is actually not the fear of the unknown, but actually the fear of I KNOW, yes resist and postpone) that the moment I am with me here in BREATH – then all I have even been, lived and done, GOOD or BAD would be forgiven, and thus I will have to release myself of my own Debt, why would I do that if I have literally defined myself according to my debt, my wrongs and rights, mostly my wrongs. I thrive on the self-definition that I have created in my own eyes and that I believe I have created in the eyes of others, this is building interest each day, and there is a lot of value on it as I make myself belief and others – the value is based on belief, I can’t suddenly change…. Then I would lose it all, my investments, I have spent my whole life creating/building up.

So, how is this eating me up to constantly give into the resistance instead of pushing through to be with myself? It is through the habit’s and patterns that I have established as external parts of my reality where I have to constantly participate within to keep defining myself according to my investment, my interest, to grow. I have to keep on compound the interest by participating within the habits and patterns, even if all of them are not best for me, or others. But to enforce the belief and try and give it REAL value I have to constantly manifest and create the exact same consequences within my life that are real, based off the belief/value/interest, to eventually grow the apparent real proof that this belief is real, this value of mine is real, that this is who I am, because now I can show people real things, I am my gold, and to proof that I as my own gold/resource needs to have proven value, so I keep on proving my value through consistently patriating in the habits and patterns to manifest the same shit over and over – even if it means I end up with total destruction of myself, at least I can then be with myself and say, SEE this is my value, my worth.

How did this get so messed up? That my worth and value of myself is that which is external from me, even if it good or bad. Why do I not see value in MYSELF as life, which is always the same value and needs no proof, I am already that proof by breathing, being here, it is self-evident, so why do I keep on insisting my value is something else by participating in ALL these external things to proof a point about some irrational point of value?

Here I look at the interest that has been planted within me, I say planted because I went through my first 18 years of life through a factory called the system of money, well there we have it, I have literally been living the exact same way within me as the money system, I have no value as long as I do not make money, I have no purpose and no one will be interested in me if I do not have money value, if I do not have a home, car, family, food, as proven by the billions in poverty, no one has an interest in them. So, I have to consistently create this character/personality that has value and an interest for others to be interested within and to see value, so that I can externally have the same, a fear driven force, and most of the cases all of this is a struggle, because it is in direct conflict with who I am in fact as life that is a total full and complete value always, so this fake value point starts taking over, where I start functioning exactly like the money system, giving LIFE no value and always only valuing the external (how I am, what I do), profiting, and this isn’t necessarily good, because of the conflict.

Bad, and shitty habits form, we can see across the world, Alcohol, drugs, porn and many many other addictions are existent here, as a way to release all the build-up stress, anxiety and fear that we have for ourselves as not bearing enough value and thus interest for others and thus surviving within this system of money.

So, going back to more personal points. Instead of writing self-forgiveness or breathing and letting go, and getting to just be with me in silence, I will instead drink more coffee, sit down and start bench watching videos on local politics, UFO’s, conspiracies, or I will simply start to THINK a ton, a lot, about everything, about life, about making connections, about people in my life, about all the small things and everything I can possible think about, In the fear of it all, as I’m actually through the thinking as the mind consciousness system checking and evaluating if my value and interests are still protected, that I still have value, if anything shows me that I might lose value, that I am insecure, I almost immediately break down and this leads to insecure habits and patterns of self-destruction that is self-harm and harm to others. Like the markets just crashed and a massive economic collapse just took place within me, and so all is running for their lives, and everyone is panicking and then after the self- destructive patterns and habits, I will find myself a new way, a new characteristic trait that might save me, my interest/value – and so I will test that part out, play it out and in a few days, weeks, I will have feedback, and usually it fails according to my mind consciousness system, so all repeats and same old points play out, and so it goes in circles, and as this continue the value of myself is going down and down, because in reality shit is getting worse, and since my value is externally placed, I can never be stable, and so I see, I have to come to a point of stopping and living what I know – Who I am.

It is hard to let this go, to stop participating within the internal economic system of interest and valuing self through thinking and the calculating and accessing process of what habits and patterns one has invested in to FEED ones betting systems, the videos, articles, recordings about anything and everything and to actually start taking this process fully internal, till my own self-value is that equal and one to life and noting externally changes anything of me, so I stand clear. The thinking is extreme, it has to stop, the calculating is extreme, and it has to stop.

Can I sit on my bed for hours and breathe and be here with me, letting go, be silent, instead of giving into participating in distractions that feeds my thinking/betting systems.

Posts: 1093
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Chess mate - Your Turn to MOVE, or not!! South-Africa

Postby Gian » 16 Sep 2018, 16:53

blog link ... r-not.html

I am in an interesting position within myself, in relation to the world. Specifically within my own country and what is going on here.

South - Africa is in a technical recession, our real estate has dropped by 32% - unemployment has gone up by 5%, politically everything is pointing negative, people are as I speak here striking on the roads, burning tires and branches, closing access for drivers/movement, this is but one of many from the last few days alone in my near environment. It is nothing new, but it all adds up, VAT has increased by 1% , now at 15% VAT on anything you buy, fuel is about to increase by another R1,20 according to predictions - where it is already at a very high price now of R15,60 a litre - thus EVERYTHING in prices increase, from bread and milk to water and electricity - with a country of 56 million (counted for) people, and 30,2 million already in poverty, with all these prices and recession going on, it is putting a lot of pressure on things, especially when in this climate your politicians are openly and freely with ease promoting racism and the murdering of one race and calling the one race rapists and murderers and thieves and that this one race is to blame for everything, it does not matter if you are the new generation after apartheid, which I am part of this one race due to my skin colour, it makes things even worse, especially when policies are created against this one race, and when this one race is specifically targeted to pay for the past through taking land, changing the law and constitution to make it legal, any actions to do so is thus legal, even evicting by force and murder. Parliament hearing on land expropriation was a massive fail and waste of time, most if not all MP"|(Members of Parliament|)s only got more motivated and angry, so it seems expropriation based on emotional outbursts will be happening.

I have now had an interesting point arise within me for the past two months and I am now opening it up for myself (and you reading this), my focus has been on politics, it has been watching each and every video of politicians, parliament meetings, the news, newspapers, and being alert to every actual event happening in my environment, and seeing the negative, the bad and ugly, nothing good to see really. Things are increasing, getting more and more, besides the general 57 murders a day in our country and the chaos of poverty around the country, violence, and crime, businesses collapsing. I have within all of this entered a space within myself of waiting, not moving much, not living much, just sitting still and waiting, as the impression my country is giving me through news and articles and videos and meetings is that we are living on a time bomb that can go off at any time. I feel like I have to be quiet, to hear the ticking of the bomb, to be ready to respond, to avoid being part of the initial explosion.

But, WHY? This is the question that keeps on coming up, why do I want to respond to not be within the initial explosion? it sounds reasonable and logically so that I may live, so that I may survive, not to be abused, not to be in the abuse, then my Desteni teachings come in, to go even deeper, to question this even more, because WHY as logic only takes one as far as self-interest go, because, within the consideration of when this ticking time bomb goes off, millions will suffer in poverty even more, in raids, in extreme violence and even civil war, as our parliament members have spoken about openly in parliament just last week, saying there will be a civil war, and many other ethnical groups literally in the hundreds of thousand preparing for civil war. So, why do I need to be saved and be safe? because I am human and need to live, just like anybody else, when my life has no more worth than anyone else, when my breath is equal to those that cannot respond to this time bomb that cannot get away, that will be stuck in it.

I take a deep breath.... I look within myself and who I am and what I stand for and why I stand for what I stand for, I stand for life - I stand for a life here on earth that is best for all life, this is my stance, I stand to change myself, to change me for me absolutely, I stand to be an example naturally through my change, and so when I look at my why, why save my own ass out of this while others cannot, while other might not want too, when others choose not to and fight, kill, murder and suffer, I see within who I am and my stance that I cannot and have no effect YET on what is happening, and me staying here will not have an effect at all, I could be the one dying first at the moment of explosion, at least then I have already saved myself through self-forgiveness to a degree, yet there are billions on earth in other places, and I still have (if life allows), many years to live if things go naturally, and within that time I can have an actual effect and change within this world, so I will only save my ass as to stand and be the example for others to save their own assess and so stand together to save the ass of this world, this is my purpose for this life as life. There is no need to stand on the bomb and die when I can move my ass to be effective for much longer and support and assist more and more people where possible within the Desteni message and way of life.

I am learning that I am important, and thus I should import myself where needed and where I am effective, and do not remain within an idea of being a saviour, a hero, even if it means leaving many behind for now, I trust myself to move and to grow and to expand as the time I have here as to be that which is best for all life all ways and so place myself where I can have the most effect and to be effective, to not compromise based on ideas and believes, on emotional points.

This post comes from me having to look at possibly having to move my ass if shit gets out of hand in my country, and should I move my ass before, or only as it happens, sharing this also to share where I am at within myself and with what, as these points are happening now, taking place and reality is showing that this needs to be considered - I never in my life had to think or look at these things, I always had the idea that everything will just go smooth and be okay as it was for me to be able to change myself and the world from here for all, and so it will be, but reality outside of me, my home, has other things happening, and even if I want to ignore them, or hope they go away, I can't, as they are affecting me and will one way or the other, and what I do/live, and stand for, and to keep moving and standing this life as much as possible, and I will not compromise that from my part and side.

Why do people die when hurricanes hit their homes, even though they were warned a week before to leave? What mentality is that? an economical hurricane or political one must be foreseen by self, no one can forecast what is going to happen, self can only follow the words and see the side effects/actions and based on that see if the storm is going to hit, and this storm has been brewing here in SA for years now, it is getting more intense, gusts of wind is hitting, at what point does the storm become real, or do we hope for the storm to die out and things settle? The most difficult part is to trust self with self-assessment and what if it is wrong? Or one was right? Then trusting others and their assessment, when it is emotionally based on fear, when is it a stable and direct decision and action? These are the points and challenges I am facing right now.

The biggest point I guess that fucks me over is, even with all the things going on, I have this believe that there is time, that I can wait a bit longer, that I can hope for the best, that nothing will happen to me, and then living within that and do nothing, and so the other side of things is, If I do do something and move my ass, then nothing happens, and so I did everything for nothing and was unnecessary, so my time was wasted.

I see here, that what needs to happen is, I have to remove all the knowledge and information within me of projection as could, could not, should, should not, to consider things practically and make a decision/a choice based on it being my choice to move my ass, regardless if anything is going to happen or not, but to rather work only with what is here, and so even if something does happen or does not happen I can still stand by the decision I made and LIVE it as me. So not justifying my actions based on possibilities, but rather have a choice based on what is here and not what is going to happen or not.

Self-forgiveness will follow on all points above.

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