Andrew's Journey To Life

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Its to late to learn that Now – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 182
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-182/


I am still feeling bad because I abandon the writing out of my Artist Character – This actually I see is a point that I have really struggled with in terms of my ability within writing. I am sure that this extends to other aspects parts of my life but I find it is a much more prominent point particularly within writing.
What occurs is that at times when I am writing, I will find that I start getting overwhelmed and feeling trapped and constricted by what I am writing. I feel like “I am missing the point” or just not getting to the point the way I had hoped/wanted. And then I end up getting to a point where everything seems like such a mess that all I want to do is start over again from scratch. Sometimes when I delete things that I have written I experience a relief within myself, like a burden off my back. So my latest attempt at writing out my Artist Character turned into this exact experience where as I get into the writing and write more and more on the point, I experience myself becoming heavier within myself and this burden starting to grow and that this experience of heaviness becomes more and more with each word/sentence I write. So its like instead of writing and letting go, I experience the point to be more growing and becoming more where instead of actually supporting myself within releasing a certain point with self forgiveness, I am actually adding to it and making it more which is the opposite of what I am wanting to do. And so this exact scenario has occurred recently within writing out my Artist Character. Then I get STUCK, and I don’t know whether to push through or just cut all ties and start again. Sometimes I will write 10 to 15 pages and just want it all to disappear because it weighs as such a burden on me. I then experience frustration because I want to support myself in my writings and get to know myself but what seems to end up happening is I end up creating an inner turmoil within myself as my experience due to feeling like I am not hitting on the points that I am wanting or that I am not effectively organizing myself and getting things sorted out so that It is clear. I end up questioning what I am doing and wondering if there was a better way to do it. Its like I seem to be jumping all over within my mind in terms of laying out the various Character dimensions. Lol as I think about/debate whether or not I should continue with working on my Artist Character I experience pain in my back, like a straining / tension in my back as well as a headache forming in the back of my head.



When I last left off writing about my Artist Character, I was looking specifically at the point of Selling Art.

What I am going to do here is take One Point of Fear and Start with that, instead of listing off ALL my fears about this point, which I identified as one of the reasons I experienced so much overwhelmnent – because I just got lost in all the fears and various different points I was listing off in each dimension and so this time around I am simply going to start with ONE point within the Fear Dimension and then from here move on and look at its corresponding point within the next dimension (thought) and then walk through the different dimensions of a Character in this way, just working with one point within one dimension at a time. (or in some cases a few, but keeping it more to a minimum than going for the max)

Fear Dimension
Ok so when it comes to selling art, one of the fears which comes up within me is “fear I won’t be able to/ know how to do it because of my past, because I have never been really successful at something, which is what I would want to be in relation to Selling my art, and I see that this ‘fear’ is thus pertaining to money specifically, and my fear that I don’t have the “know how” in how to become successful within this point.

Thought Dimension
The thought that I see that correlates to this fear is I see my past, like it is me looking at / scanning my past and just seeing kind of like a blur, like nothing really standing out in terms of me being really highly successful with something. Like a consistency and steadiness within my life related to actually my “lack of money” or there was not really any moments/times in my life where I become very successful at something – particularly within the context of “The System” which mean pointedly a Monetary Reward.
See image of myself in a business suit as well as others in business suits.
See a picture of the first drawings I sold and the man that bought them

Imagination Dimension
See myself back doing something else like working a labour job.

Back-Chat Dimension
I have No Experience (with success at money)

I am not good with money
I have Never done this before / been successful with money
I am not qualified
Oh well, not much I can do
I wish I had the knowledge

Reaction/Emotion/Feeling/Experience Dimension
Sinking/Dropping experience within me
Disappointment (stop dead in my tracks inside myself)

Anxiety in my chest
Heaviness
Doubt
Impossibility
Longshot
I feel that it won’t happen – inevitable failure

Physical Behaviour
My body slumps more
Shoulders drop
Lips purse together a slight bit more and pull to one side and start forming a frown

Consequence Dimension

The Consequence is that I don’t actually ever “Learn How” or develop the skills, and knowledge to be effective with this point, but just stop at the point of “I have not experience in making money” and never walk/direct myself to in fact learn the points for myself by Living this aspect point and thus educating myself within doing this. So the Consequence is that I do not teach myself how when I am in fact capable of doing so.

In my next blog I will continue with applying self forgiveness on each of the dimensions that I have laid out here…

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Believing The Road of ART Always Leads to Failure – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 183
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-183/


Fear Dimension
Ok so when it comes to selling art, one of the fears which comes up within me is “fear I won’t be able to/ know how to do it because of my past, because I have never been really successful at something, which is what I would want to be in relation to Selling my art, and I see that this ‘fear’ is thus pertaining to money specifically, and my fear that I don’t have the “know how” in how to become successful within this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into/experience fear when ever I look at or consider the point or am faced with the point of Utilizing Art to Make a Living, where this immediate fear reaction I see is one that I have manifested as a kind of “blanket experience” that I have just accepted willingly blindingly in full trust where I have accepted and allowed this experience of Fear within me that comes up in relation to this point to be the determiner of the decision I make/have made in relation to this endeavour where so many times I have made the decision to not walk or even look at this point of utilizing art / my training in art to “make a living” due to the initial automatic experience of fear that come up within me in relation to this point that I have accepted and allowed to determine who I am and the decision I make here.

I commit myself to no more accept and allow this experience of fear that comes up within me to influence me within my decision and direction within walking the point of utilizing my Skill and Training in Art to “Make a Living”. I see/realize/understand that in the past I have accepted and allowed myself to trust this fear and allow this fear to influence me when looking at/exploring this point where I ended up just giving into the experience of fear and in essence trusting the experience instead of Practically Applying myself within this point and trusting the practical common sense research/investigation I have done as well as the practical application and feedback I get within moving myself in this point.

I commit myself to ensure that I am NOT accepting and allowing FEAR to influence common sense seeing, and so whenever I see myself going into this experience of FEAR in relation to this point of utilizing art to “make a living” or seeing this fear starting to emerge, I Breathe and I stop, I remind myself that FEAR is never rational and thus I Direct myself to Align myself with Practical Assessment with an Emphasis on the PRACTICAL and in this assist and support myself to Develop Self Trust in Trusting Myself within making Practical Assessments and thus stop accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with fear where I just give up and give into this fear and jump off track and just throw everything away due to Fear and the experience of Fear that I have given validity to, instead of Re-Aligning myself and my validity to PRACTICAL Considerations that are mathematical and not based on a feeling/emotions/Energetic Experience.

Thought Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture/presence of “Y” come up within me in relation to when looking at considering the point of Utilizing Art to Make a Living, where the image of “Y” become a point of consideration within me that I base my decision of “If I will be successful at this or not” where this image/picture/representation of my “Y” within me become a point of influence on me within looking at this art point because “Y” also walked a similar path in his life where “Y” was never able to find financial success with his Art Form and so within this I believe that the same will be for me, and so when ever I am Considering this point of “walking the path of utilizing Art/My Art skills to make a living, a picture/representation/ presence of “Y” comes up within me and I immediately react/go into fear and believing “its not going to work” because it did not work for “Y

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living the same life as “Y” and walking the same path as “Y” and so hesitate when ever I participate in Art because I believe that in by participating in Art, that I will be walking the same path as “Y” not realizing that it does not matter if I participate in Art, and Utilize Art to Make a Living For Myself, that that does not mean that I will automatically walk the same path as “Y”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe ART was at fault and the culprit as the saboteur of “Y’s” life, and thus hesitate in participating in this point and actually fear doing this do to accepting/believing that “Art” was the reason why “Y” ‘failed’ within this point, within making this point a success in his life, where I have not considered all the other multitudes of practical points/variables that played roles in “Y’s” life in terms of why this point did not Align Effectively within the context of his Life, but that I just Took the entire point and Blamed it souly on ART and ART only as being THEE Problem so to speak. And in this I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook the actual context of my life and where I currently stand in relation to this point – also seeing the differences in my life from “Y’s” life and within this allowing myself to actually Trust myself and my abilities/skills that I have developed to practically Align this point of Art to Support me financially instead of just believing there is not way in hell this is going to work basing this in part to my observations of “Y” and his success in this point, believing that then thus my success will be the same, and so within this allowing irrational fear override practical consideration. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself from seeing that My life was different that “Y’s” life and I have a much more sound foundation in training and understanding in order to Apply / Utilize my Skills/Training in Art to Earn an Income and Actually make a living with Art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so possessed with fear of being / becoming “Y” and living “Y’s” Life, that I forget to even look/see me and look at who I Practically am and in this actually being able to assess my skills and abilities from a practical standpoint, because I was just so consumed with fear of becoming/being “Y” and that I would live the exact same path – not noticing already the differences of the paths that I and “Y” have actually walked and in this realizing and accepting that I am Not walking the same path as “Y”

In my next post I will continue with the Self Corrective Statements

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Paralysed by My Fear of People Seeing Me Fail – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 184
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-184/


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize a picture of “Y” within my mind to Justify the experience of fear I experience within myself in relation to walking the path of art, where in experiencing fear inside myself in relation to walking the path of utilizing art to make a living for myself I can justify this fear through bringing up a picture of “Y” in my mind in order to validate this fear, because “it must be real” and so I find a reason for it to be real, and thus make it real, instead of investigating this actual experience of fear that come up within me in relation to utilizing my Skill/Training in Art to Make a Living and Make Money.

I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to justify my experience of fear that comes up/emerge within me that is in relation to the point/consideration of utilizing Art as a SERIOUS and Viable Path to walk to support myself financially where in I justify this fear that comes up within me in relation to this point through participating with an image/picture/thought that comes up within my mind of “Y” where when this picture come up I immediately start going into back-chat in relation to this picture, particularly within the context of validating my experience of FEAR, that I see is in part a Fear of Failure where this picture of “Y” within me becomes a doorway for back-chat and self devaluation and so I commit myself to when ever I notice this thought as the picture/image of “Y” coming up within me in relation to when I start looking at/considering and also even while actually walking this point of Art Already– that I commit myself to Stop and not participate in the picture/thought of “Y” within me where in I start to go into back-chat and just strengthening my fear and so rather I Stop and Not accept and allow myself to feed my fear through by participating within myself with a picture in my mind of ‘Y” where in this I am feeding my fear, and so I breath and walk through the fear, reminding myself to focus on Practical Application and not just basing decisions on Experiences of Fear that suddenly come up that I instantly obey.

I see/realize/understand that practically speaking I have walked a different life path than “Y” and that along the way I have developed certain specific skills and training that “Y” did not have/learn, and that these “Skills/Training” Align me differently within the system than “Y” was aligned without those skills training, and so here I commit myself to practically apply my Skills Training to the best of my ability in a way that when all is said and done I will KNOW within myself that I actually applied myself practically and TESTED if this point of ART will or will not work, where at this stage I cannot make this assessment as I see/realize/understand that I have not practically applied myself within my skills and abilities and understanding that I have but rather stood back and allowed fear to determine my ability which was not practically lived and tested, but actually suppressed and “decided upon” within my mind with a fundamental ADVISOR in this Decision was the experience of fear of that arose within me that I responded to even though I did not understand where the fear came from and what was the source of such fear.

I commit myself to stop comparing my life to “Y’s” life where I am constantly and continuously analyzing this and thus instead allow myself to actually live here in and as breath and not repeat the past, but rather allow myself to be here with me during my day and direct myself according to practical consideration and application and testing and feedback, and so thus assist and support myself to become effective at testing/walking REAL PHYSICAL REALITY something that I have not moved myself within doing because I instead focused on my fears and doubts in my mind and not ever allowing myself to move/walk in the physical due to fear, fear of failure, fear of embarrassment in failing and so was to paralyzed to in fact walk for REAL and FACE me in my Success or Failure – Neither of which I was willing to do previously and so just postponed ever walking anything which “notwalking” at all is actually real Failure, where ‘Failure” in Doing is not Failure – It is simply testing and adjusting and showing self in real time what self is capable of/effective with or not– the real failure comes when Self never test self at all because self is afraid of being embarrassed when other perceive self to have failed. And so I commit myself to breath and walk in breath Here Daily Applying myself in and as the Physical in Real Physical Application and thus I commit myself to Walk/Apply and supporting me to getting to an effective physical application that will be/ is an Actual Physical testing of what will work and what not so that this test can be trusted, and I can either close the door on a point and move on or find its effective and continue refining my application within it – instead of NEVER getting to this closure point due to NOT actually applying myself in a way that Stand as a Practical Viable Test, because I was to much influenced by my own mind and fears and judgements and worries and concerns what other people think.
In my next post I will continue with the Imagination Dimension

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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It Seems So Easy in my Mind. – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 185
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-185/


So Here I am looking at my “Imagination Dimension” in relation to the Fear of not knowing what to do in selling my work because I don’t have the experience or know how within this point.
I find often in relation to art my imagination goes into thinking about making allot of paintings and just painting all day and getting really good at painting, but that what I see here is that my imagination does not taking into consideration the practical implications of such a picture, meaning what it in fact would entail to place myself in such a position where I am able to paint daily to make an living.
My imagination just looks at the good stuff, and miss all the stuff about the actual details of for instance setting up and maintaining a website and cataloguing all the art I do, shipping the art to the customer, communicating with individuals about having shows etc. All my imagination does is goes mostly to the point of me just painting and then magically having my art hanging on the gallery wall or something like that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ahead and participate in my imagination about “all that could happen” to me if this point of art were to work out, where I will go off into my imagination thinking about being really successful at this point and then seeing myself in my studio making art and being in shows etc, but then I will suddenly come back here and experience fear within myself now because I start fearing losing this imaginative scene that I had just placed myself in and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to toggle back and forth between my imagination dimension and my fear dimension of this “fearing that I will not be able to do it” where the more I aggrandize the fantasy in my mind about what it will be like if I could make a success with this point, the more I experience fear when I suddenly “snap out of it” and realize that I have really only just begun this process and I still have to test everything. And also within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my Imagination cultivate an understanding of “reality” of “how things are and how things work” that is NOT at all practical and considering ALL and every aspect of Actual Real Reality, because in my Imagination Dimension I never considering the depth of the physical process necessary for actually for instance supporting myself within selling my paintings and how that would practically physically work in fact for real, because I normally just focus on the nice stuff in my imagination jumping and skipping through time and through moments in this not at all supporting me to Align myself HERE with practical physical reality that is real in every moment where Time and Space move in real time and there is SOOOOOOO much to consider within this like for instance what am I going to eat, how am I going to pay rent etc…points which within my Imagination Dimension I forget about / not even take note of at all but that things just seem to be easy and work out.
I commit myself to make this whole process of Selling My Art as Practical as REAL as Physical as possible by assisting and supporting myself to Align myself with breath to walk here in and as the physical in REAL Time and Space and in this always considering what is real and what are the practical functional necessities that I MUST Direct to ensure this point is STABLE and Effective.
Within this I when and as I see myself going into my imagination dimension and fantasising about this point to in each breath ensure that it is cross referenced with and as the physical, and also thus GROUNDED in actual practical physical application within the question – What Can I do NOW to practically live/move/direct this point, and so in this stop the process of me going off into my mind/ into my Imagination Dimension and Just Fantisising how its all going to be, which I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually do quite a bit in my life where I always fantasized about doing art and being effective at art, but yet not actually Live this Practically realizing that to Live Things in the Physical Practically is not how things look in the mind, and so thus I commit myself to move myself OUT of the Imagination and Align myself to HERE to the physical where things do not move unless I practically physically move them, and to have this be the starting point of actually walking this process of selling my art, to ensure that I keep things as practical and Liveable as possible.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... -life-day/


Yesterday I started experiencing doubt and uncertainty in relation to the process of “pricing my work”. Actually I started to experience fear about this. I see this fear was related to either pricing the work to high or pricing the work to low. But mostly pricing the work to high. If I price the work to low then in a way my Ego is still protected because I can then claim that I am ‘humble’. But if I price the work to high then “people might think I am greedy” which is where the fear come up. I fear that people might think this. I fear that I might “overvalue” what I am doing, and then because of this experience embarrassment in relation to whom ever would thing that my work is priced to high. So I ended up “letting this get to me” and just gave into the experience of myself and basically gave up on the point.
Today I went back in and started to Re-Align the points again. As I was doing this I was thinking “why didn’t I do this yesterday” because in a way it was quite a simplistic point but yesterday I allowed my fear to direct me to stop working on/directing the point.

Ok so for today I am going to continue on with the “Back-Chat” Dimension.

“I have No Experience (with success at money)”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because “I have no experience with success at money” that this means that I am and will not be able to change this about me in this simply affirming to myself that I cannot change instead of assisting and supporting myself to in fact change myself as who I am and live as now from who I existed in the past, particularly in relation to money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not capable of learning the skill of being effective with money, but have accepted and allowed myself to believe that that is something you are born with and you either have or you don’t and that “I don’t have it” – A Skill at Making Money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of correcting myself within this point to subtly blame my parents and family genetics for the reason “I am not good with money” where in this also actually affirming to myself and accepting the statement as me that “I am not good with money” – something that I will speak to myself/say inside myself which obviously does not assist or support me in correcting this living pattern of myself so that I can actually become stable and effective within generating money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of directing myself daily in developing the necessary skills to become effective and stable in money – Blame my Genetics, which is actually like a form of Blaming God – Because genetics can be corrected through assisting and supporting self to develop Full Self awareness of how self is actually creating self which includes the genetics aspects – supporting self to do this through a process of writing, self forgiveness and self correction, where “God” is something where self accept and allow self to abdicate ones responsibility from oneself by making the statement “there is nothing I can do” which is exactly what the Concept of GOD is used for – because God is apparently “MORE” than the human and the puny human cannot possibly understand the mysteries of the universe – which to accept this is to abdicate ones power and creative principle which is what I see I was doing within the point of how I was “blaming my genetics” because I see that I was BLAMING instead of working with myself to Change me – even if aspects of the point did exist in my genetics, that is still not an excuse and thus I must stop sabotaging myself by using it as one where I HOLD myself in an IDEA that I create about how genetics work that “I am defenceless and powerless” and that I can spend my entire life trying to change me if it is in my genetics I will have no success, where I have essentially agreed that this IDEA I have formed within myself is TRUTH instead of realizing that I know very little about how I actually am creating me or my reality and really know nothing about genetics so how could I form such an idea about how genetics work when I really don’t know but am just basing this idea on knowledge and information instead of practical self investigation and application within writing, self forgiveness and self correction as the process of developing self awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and in a way protect who I was in my past through by the back-chat I speak within myself that hold together and re-affirm who I have accepted and allowed myself to live at, instead of stopping all back-chat about who I am and what I am capable and not capable of and simply work with writing, self forgiveness and self correction within the principle of taking responsibility for every aspect of myself, and within and as this correcting myself to stand as what is best for all, and thus that imply becoming effective within the System/Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my genetics are something separate than me that I do not have access to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define genetics as some colossal component of the human body that is beyond “ME” and in this separating myself from my human physical body and my genetics like I am something separate than my genetics.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am equal and one with my genetics and are thus Self Responsible for them as well, as I am my Genetics and I see that It is simply not acceptable to blame my genetics for who I am and what I do, instead of taking responsibility for myself and changing myself so that I am Aligned to Actual Living as that which is best for all, and thus within this would be correcting my genetics which I understand at this stage is formed through my behaviour and repeating that behaviour over generations, thus I must correct the behaviour and form new patterns to form new genetic patterning, instead of just continuing to live out the old patterns like I am a robot slave living out a program with no say or power or free choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself to my past where in my past I did not apply or direct myself within learning the necessary Skills to become effective within Generating Money – Thus in the money system, and so have accepted and allowed myself to define me as THIS not allowing me to change this/myself through applying/directing myself differently in my daily living.

In my next blog I will continue with the Self Corrective Applications

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-186/

I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application to “let go of the past” which means I within my process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application investigate exactly how it is as how I accepted and allowed myself to live in the past, that thus had a consequential outflow of “having no success with money” in where if I actually look at the point, I see that I simply did not at all align myself within the context of money in a way that was practical and sustainable but in fact ignored the entire systematic side of “creating art” ignoring this side because “I was an artist” was my excuse, not realizing the role that money plays in this world. And so here to correct this behaviour this time around where in Money becomes an essential component in the Equation of My Life/Daily Living.

I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to stop those behaviours that is in contradiction to me assisting and supporting myself to become effective within my life which include stability within the current system which is a Money System, and so I commit myself to take a hard look at myself and ask myself when am I going to be willing to stop sabotaging my life by doing that / living out that which in fact DISRUPT my attention/direction / and specificity within myself which I will NEED in order to become effective within what I am doing within the context of having it something that is able to stand and expand within the System.

I see/realize/understand that in order to change/correct this part/aspect of my life that I will have to live differently. That I will have to live/apply myself within a specific way, that is Self Directed and Based on Self Presence, and Consistency, and thus am required to in fact Change me as it require a “Complete Application” where every breath is accounted for Directed in a specific way, obviously this requires me to cut out that/those behaviours and ways of living that are not aligned to this Sound Living Behaviour that requires each breath of every day. Thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to Live a complete change in my Application as I see that there is no “Half Way” there is either the New way or the Old way, as doing it half way or only some of the time is actually the old way.

I commit myself to stop breaking my commitment to myself and rather to remain standing within my commitment to actually change myself and see what happen, but never getting to see what happen because I give into the mind and just stick with the old way which nothing will ever change until I give it up and “go in” Full On.

I see/realize/understand that the point is simply to Direct Myself Daily within the necessary practical points to Align myself effectively within the money system. This Requires a Total Commitment of Self which is actually the point I am working on where from this perspective the point is not “Genetics” per-se but simply the Decision and Diligence to Remain Focused each day and ensuring Each Breath is Directed in an effective way, one breath, after another after another, where in this I focus on Practical Movement within the physical where if this is done consistently I will be able to develop the necessary Alignment of myself to be effective and stable in the System.

I commit myself to place in writing my Direction of Me in terms of Future Plans from the perspective of assisting and supporting myself to remind myself what I am doing, and where within myself/my life I must Align/Correct my LIVING BEHAVIOUR(s) and Patterns accordingly to actually walk what is possible with Committed Self Direction.

When and as I see the back-chat coming/come up within me that “I have no experience (with success at money” when ever I am applying myself within the Art point, I stop and I breathe. In such moments I Remember that that the most effective approach is FULL Self Direction as a Life Commitment that is lived Daily where each breath is actually treated as Life and Lived as Life in a Self Supportive way. Also within this I commit myself to Make Mistakes, meaning to Test things out – To put things into application where I Direct myself to move forwards and put things into application where at times I may have to test things out to actually get Feedback to better Align the point, but to not accept and allow myself to stall at these such points out of fear of making a mistake and so I commit myself to make mistakes, meaning being willing to move things into application after I have effectively tested the point to the best of my ability where the only thing left to do is test it out and see.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-188/


Today as I was sitting down to read a fear came up within me in relation to the point I am busy writing out here in my blogs. I suddenly had the thought/back-chat emerge within me “what if I am kidding myself and what if I have over-looked something and that I am completely blinding myself from seeing the actual practicality of this point where what if in ‘truth’ this point is Not going to work” It was kind of like a “sudden realization” kind of things where I thought – “What if that which I think is going to be how all this goes, does NOT go as planned at all, and I end up standing at the end of the line with no options and nothing left to do after I have tested this point and find it doesn’t work.” As I sat down to write tonight I still experienced the “fear/energy” that came up within me in that moment sitting there ‘realizing’ “what if this doesn’t work”. My old boss sent me a text and asked if I wanted to work for a couple days in the coming week. I went quite quickly into fear when I got this text, and my back-chat was speaking “what if I am supposed to do this”, “I am lying to myself if I say no” and so basically I started to look at this point of “if I should work the coming 2 days”. I noticed Allot of fear within me in relation to saying no. “Fearing that there is a reason that he texted me” like “there is something that is going to come up in the future where ‘I will be sorry’ if I say no”. I noticed that I was afraid to say no, and the fear of not having money was driving me to make a decision. And then that is about the time the fear came up within me about this Art point falling completely flat.

So for now I am going to continue with the Self Forgiveness on the “Back-Chat” in relation to fearing that I won’t be able to make money within this point because this is not something that I done in my past.

Back-Chat

“I am not good with money”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being “not good with money” and actually hold myself to this definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to honestly believe that “I am not good with money” and not seeing myself as capable or smart enough to learn this skill, but believing that simply, I am Not good with this point and that is that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure within the point of generating income with my Art, to the degree where resistance comes up when ever I start moving closer to actually engaging in relationships where MONEY is the core of those relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/believe that things will just turn out like they always do, and so when ever I get close to actually embarking on placing/establishing the necessary “money points/relationships” I start to pull back, and go into thinking and imagining about it instead of Directing myself from physically implementing it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I hold back the more I am giving myself the opportunity to entertain fears and hopes, instead of physically engaging the system and in this trusting ACTUAL REAL TIME FEEDBACK that can be physically measured and tracked and thus to base my decisions on this real physical feedback, instead of what I create in my head as pictures, memories, imaginings, feelings, emotions, fears.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am doubting myself before I receive actual physical feedback, and thus I see that my doubt is not based on anything real but only exist as a feeling trying to convince me its real that has not practical physical context that can be reliable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump back and forth between the good and the bad where one minute in my mind everything is working great and all my decisions where correct, and in the next moment nothing is working and all my decisions were incorrect, where none of this, the positive or negative is based on anything real.

Thus

I commit myself to implement the necessary physical points so that I can get some realtime feedback where I the sooner the better, so to assist and support myself to have some real time feedback with which to make my assessments on and then thus accordingly Align, and Refine.

I see that my experience I had today as well as the doubts I have within myself in relation to and as the back-chat “I am not good with money” only have a contextual basis in the MIND, and that when actually looking at and considering and assessing real physical feedback these experiences/back-chats will simply will no longer have anything to substantiate them, which at the moment I see I am still allowing myself to do by holding back within getting the necessary physical points that I require to implement, implemented where I am more taking the approach of “just holding off as long as possible” where I see/realize/understanding this “approach” of “just holding off a little longer and as long as possible” before I actually have to engage the point is a FEAR Approach, and so I commit myself to stop Stop my accepted and allowed “inner approach” to this point where in I will tell myself “I have lots of time” meanwhile actually subtly “holding back” due to fear which I cover up with telling myself “I have lots of time”. And so I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to “hold back” and rather take a more DIRECT approach to getting this point I am busy with now up and LIVE as there is NO actual reason for me to be holding back at this stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all the ways and times in my life where I “have failed with money” particularly where I have failed with money in relation to ART and use this past memories/moments to validate the back-chat “I am not good with money” where in trusting such back-chat and being influenced by such back-chat I am accepting and allowing myself to follow pre-programming that does not Support me or Support what is best for all, and so

I commit myself to assist and support myself to within writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application Align myself with Living HERE in and as Breath, doing that which is within my hands/power to effectively support myself within my life, including giving specific detailed and focused attention and direction to this Art point within the context of learning how to make this point work within the context of the current money system in an effective way as a viable income source, instead of just accepting my Pre-Programmed Artist Character that I have created/constructed in my past that has proven to be of no support as how I lived this Character Previously and ended up not being able to sustain myself particularly financially, and so eventually the Art stopped as well as there was no more money to fund the point. And So I commit myself to Identify ALL the Characteristics of my Old Life Artist Character to ensure that I do not simply step/fall into this Character and start automatically living it out, but that I Walk the Art point this time around based on Directive Principle considering what is effective within the money system and what is best for all.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Sorting out my Past Perceptions about Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 189
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-189/

Here I am continuing with the Self Forgiveness on the “Back-Chat Dimension” of my Artist Character that I created/existed/programmed as myself within my life, looking specifically here at the point of “fearing that I will fail” because of not having ever done what I am intending/planning to do, where in essence I am making the statement that I require/need a past memory or reference of ‘already having done it’ in my life at some point to be able to succeed at that point now. Where in this I am also looking specifically at “the money aspect” of it, and also fearing that due to not having a past history of “making allot of money” that this will lead to inevitable failure because I have not already conditioned/programmed myself to be effective within the above mentioned points – Thus here also implying that “I am less than my conditioning and powerless to my conditioning”. And also implying here a self accepted belief that I am not able to change, because becoming effective within this point of Supporting myself with my Art implies an ACTUAL Self Change.

Continuing…

Back-Chat: I am not qualified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dis-empower myself through and as the back-chat statement “I am not qualified” speaking/making such a statement within the context of being effective within the business side / money making side of Art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself extensively within this point of Utilizing my Skill within Art to generate income where I have insisted over and over again to myself that “There is no way anybody can make money with/through Art” and within such an insistence and repeating this over and over have engrained this idea/belief into me and so now thus when ever I consider or approach this point, I go into absolute doubt due to having constantly spoken this back-chat of “there is no way anybody can make money with/through Art” over and over again within me, where I have actually lived this statement within my life, and have not yet lived the statement of “one is able to make money with Art”

Ok so I have moved here into a different back-chat point, as when I look at this point of “not being qualified” what immediately came up within me is this point of how I believe that “Art in itself is Flawed”. I had previously looked at this point also and am again seeing this point come up quite prominently within me at the moment so am going to open this up a bit more and see what’s here.

So I am seeing here that it is not really about qualification actually, but more about the actual “Substance” of the point of Art in itself where I see that I am accepting the standpoint that “Art will not work” Like “Art in itself is flawed” where I am carrying around this idea within me that “Art will NOT work as a stable product/point to sell” that “it will fall”.

So in terms of the “Art” side of things, I do see myself as Qualified, though I also see that I still have Judgements about myself and my art that I will have to write out as well, to in fact support me to get clear on these points so that I am not in Self Judgement towards my Art. Now in terms of this initial point of “now being qualified” I see that this is more within the context of my “success rate” as an Effective Sales Person, which I see myself as “not qualified in” particularly I see here a fear point coming up in relation to the fact that “I have nothing to go by” meaning its no so much that I see myself as incapable within this application of sales, but that I doubt myself because I have nothing to ground this point in as I have never really walked this point, and so I see that there is doubt stemming from this dimension of things. So

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and doubt in relation to my “qualifications” of “being a sales man” in relation to selling Art, due to my past experiences with this where I perceived and defined myself as BAD at this, and actually feeling as if I really did try, and so this cause FEAR within me and the back-chat of “What if I did try and just failed because I am really just bad at sales/selling my art”, and then now also go into thinking about “what if my art was just not good” and so now when I approach this point now, have this underlining fear/belief that “I am just bad at this (selling art) and that this will cause the demise and failure of this point, along with also the point that “maybe my art is bad” where I have actually one foot standing in each point at the same time where it is like a double fuck up where I have left myself within a point of uncertainty essentially doubting myself at my ability to Sell, and Sell My Art, and also Doubting MY Art as being good/effective enough to sale, this experience/opinion having been constructed based on my past and how I lived/walked “My Artist Character” previously in my life/past, which I am now accepting and allowing to “Haunt” me so to speak, or at least determine/influence my experience of myself as I am Here walking the point of exploring/investigating/applying ways to utilize my Art to generate income.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I need a business degree” to be good at sales, and that in relation to this idea, I haven’t learned hardly anything about sales and so that “I don’t have the right training or foundation to take on this point for myself within selling my Art” So this is related to the Aspect/Dimension of me believing that I am bad a sales in relation to art which I see I have created as a belief within myself in relation to my past ongoings within this point of living out my Artist Character, where then the other side of the coin is that “my art is not good enough” which I have also nurtured as a belief about myself/my art.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life” Day 190
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-190/


When and as I see myself starting to get on my case with insisting over and over again that this point will not work, I stop and I take a breath and I bring myself here. I realize that the constant hounding within me around this point where it is related to why it will not work, and why I should give up and why its going to fail, is my back-chat /mind and so I do NOT participate within and as It. I Commit myself to keep this point related to art as Practical as Possible and focusing on simply moving the point physically and practically. Within this here also I am “Flagpointing” this point/experience within me where my mind just run on and on and one about this point about how I am going to fail and why its not going to work etc, where the basic message being presented in through various back-chat angles is that “I WILL FAIL” and so when and as I see/notice anything within myself coming up within the context of this Art point that has a “negative” or “Positive” energetic Charge, I simply Breath and NOT go into the point, but assist and support myself to remain in and as breath and sticking to the practical physical reality.

When and as I see myself participating within myself within the point that “Art is innately Flawed” I stop myself in such a moment, and focus on my breath and assist and support myself to remain here in and as the physical and not go into this “idea” that art is inherently flawed and for that reason will not work. I commit myself to breath and focus on Physical Application and pushing through the resistance and doubt within myself that comes up when I am not moving myself but instead going into my head about it.

I see/realize/understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and limit the point of Art through by accepting and allowing myself to become bogged down by my back-chat and emotional experiences connected to such back-chat. I see that I have not in fact yet given myself the opportunity to test this point physically in a way where I can then get some feedback and from this feedback assess accordingly, but have “jumped the gun” already, already judging what I am doing and accepting and allowing doubt and uncertainty as an emotional reaction experience to influence me/direct me to stop practically applying myself.

When and as I see myself starting to Judge my Art work as being “not good enough” and that “It won’t sell” because it is not good enough. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I will require some time to get back into things and that I can only move as fast as I can physically move and I cannot move faster, and so thus there is no point to go into doubt before I have effectively and thoroughly tested the point practically/physically.

The same works for “Selling”. I am still here in the beginning stages of this point and it could take many months before I start getting the thing moving and flowing effectively within the context of having the necessary points in place to be able to make a determination of if “my plan was effective” because at this stage I have nothing to base my plan on due to having to actually physically test the point which I am busy doing. Thus I commit myself to stop going into my mind to attempt to come to a conclusion of “what will happen” I understand that in the past I never at all considered Money within the equation of making art and so naturally it made sense that money did not flow from this as it was not part of the equation. That is not the case this time around, though I must be patient with myself in allowing myself the grace to implement my plan before I judge it and judge myself as a failure, which is jumping to conclusions.

I commit myself to realize that who I was in the past is not who I must live as today. But that to change myself effectively I will have to give up “my old life” which requires diligence and discipline. Thus I stop holding onto and re-affirming in my back-chat that “i am bad at sales” because of who I see myself as within looking at me within my own mind within past memories and behaviours and ways of being which exist in the past now and cannot be changed, and so thus Its best to Stop participating within such pre-programming and rather assist and support myself to work with myself in a practical way where obviously to make conclusions of what I am capable of now based on my back-chat is not practical.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to instead of Aligning my attention to being within my mind, thinking and worrying about this point, to Align my attention to HERE in and as the physical in and as Physical expression and application so that I give myself the best opportunity become effective within this reality, which I see/realize/understand is NOT just existing in my head about stuff, but rather actually Moving myself in and as the Physical and actually PARTICIPATING.

I commit myself to put the point to the test – instead of worrying and judging before I do this. This is a practical solution for the doubt and uncertainty related to both “is my art good enough” and also “am I good enough at selling it” I will find out. And so thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to “Find Out” through focusing myself on simply physically moving the point, and doing this consistently and leave the “maybe this maybe that what if this what if that” out if it.

I see/realize/understand that I have had effective training in Art and that my training in Sales and Marketing is effective enough to take on this point and learn as I go. The point now is stick to the physical Implementation of the point and leave the drama out of it.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-191/


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am participating in emotional/feeling reactions with regards to the success or failure of myself within the point of Art that I am not HERE but in my mind existing within a Mind Character instead of assisting and supporting myself to establish myself effectively HERE in and as the physical in and as breath where I am able to apply and move myself in a physically practical way based on common sense and that within doing this can assist and support myself to become Effective at that which I am doing, due to me having supported me to learn to LIVE HERE applying myself Consistency in a way that is essential in becoming effective in ones physical reality, and but to accept and allow myself to sink into/participate with emotional feeling reactions in relation to this ART point that, I am diminishing my effectiveness within the point due to now just existing within and being influenced by the mind, and thus my practical physical application applied HERE in and as Self Attention and Directiveness greatly diminish and so within accepting and allowing myself to participate /engage with emotional feeling reactions I dis-empower myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself starting to go into emotional/feeling reactions in relation to the point I am now walking with my ART, either positive or negative, to stop and breathe and remain here in breath, here assist and support myself to REMAIN IN PHYSICAL APPLICATION and practice existing HERE in and as the physical in self consistency and physical expression as I see/realize/understand that this will assist and support me most effectively where within this I assist and support myself to walk out of the my mind, disengaging the relationship that I have set-up and established with my mind dimensions as how I lived/existed/interacted within my life and stepping out of this and step into The Physical Practical Reality assisting and supporting me establish myself HERE in Equal and One Alignment with and as the Physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with the experience of disappointment at times when / as I am walking this point with Art, where sometimes “things don’t seem to be going my way” and here I forgive myself for not realizing that when I become overwhelmed with Disappointment, I am indicating/showing to myself that I am still Aligned in my living to my mind where the dimensions of my mind are still determining and influencing me within my life, which can be seen within and as the experience of becoming overwhelmed with disappointment.

Here I commit myself to assist and support myself to not accept and allow myself to go into the experience of disappointment, especially particularly to the degree where it becomes overwhelming and filling the entirety of myself up as this total experience of disappointment in relation to my Art, particularly when I start thinking/believing that I will fail or its not going to work out, and so I commit myself to Re-Establish My Expression within Art so that it is Oriented to a Physical Expression and Application instead of always projecting myself into the future and in this going into my mind and thinking about all the things that could or could not happen and often building up/activating experiences/reactions of disappointment as well as other experiences/reactions that are either positive or negative, and so to as I Correct my Approach and Application of myself in Art to assist and support myself to Align this to a Practical Physical Application where I stop “jumping ahead” so to speak and then coming up with various interpretations of how things may or may not go, where when I do this I “enter the realm of the mind” that contains all my past memories, beliefs, patterns, programming etc, where then my reactions become “distorted” from the perspective where I start judging what I am doing based on experiences / points coming up in my mind which I am not in fact seeing in their entirty where they are coming from and so end up attaching various experiences and reactions to what I am doing HERE that has NOTHING to do with what I am doing HERE in a Practical Common Sense way, and so I Direct myself to Keep this Practical Application with Art as Simplistic as possible working with what is physically HERE in a common sensical way, and within this also developing the ability to work within the physical in and as Self Stability without “jumping ahead/into my mind” but developing my ability to Move WITH AND AS The Physical which move veeeerrrryyyy sllllloooooooowwwwllllllllyyyyyyyy and grounding me in the physical which I have not done previously but accepted and allowed myself to want things to move quicker and thus went into the mind, and so I see, practically speaking that part of this process of correcting my application within art is to Orient my expression of this too be aligned one and equal with the physical and thus being patient within myself as I get me oriented to living Here in and as the physical applying myself step by step by step in a physical way, where doing this will inevitably and is ultimately the only way to get things done as thinking and imagining about something has nothing to do with actually moving/creating/developing/manifesting that point physically here in an effective practical way.

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