Andrew's Journey To Life

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Sinking into Heaviness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 192
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-192/

Ok I am going to continue with this particular point that I writing out here with regards to my Artist Character. I really wanted to abandon writing about this point and start completely over again, but I am going to rather stick with it and I will start with a new point when I have gotten through this one the best I can.
So I going to continue with the “Reaction Dimension”
To recap, I took the approach of just placing down one singular fear that came up within me in relation to me “walking this art point” and then opened up the different various dimensions from there.

And so I will continue with my Reaction Dimension that opened up from the first initial fear that I placed as “when it comes to selling art, one of the fears which comes up within me is “fear I won’t be able to/ know how to do it because of my past, because I have never been really successful at something, which is what I would want to be in relation to Selling my art, and I see that this ‘fear’ is thus pertaining to money specifically, and my fear that I don’t have the “know how” in how to become successful within this point”

Reaction:
Anxiety in my chest
Heaviness
Doubt
Impossibility
Longshot
I feel that it won’t happen – inevitable failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a heaviness within me as the reaction dimension of myself in relation to the fear I have of failing in my art due to me believing that “I just won’t know how to do it” where eventually I reach that point where things will slow up and get stuck and I will fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself into a state of ‘paralysis’ as a complete reactive state where I kind of sink into a depression within myself as the experience of me failing where I become really heavy within myself and just sink down into this heaviness, the more I think about what may happen in the future with this art point and fearing/believing that my failure is an ABSOLUTE inevitability, and so the more I sink into my reactive state/dimension of me the more I believe all of the thoughts/back-chats running in my mind because they become more real it seems as I start to experience all kinds of reactions, in this case negatively charged reactions to due believing that I will fail at this point, that there is nothing I can do to change that, and then so starting to believe this/believe my back-chat more and more and in this stop trying and just give into my experience of “I will fail” where I sink down into a kind of depression and heaviness within myself where it is seemingly more difficult to move like I am covered in a heavy heavy tar that weighs on my body and makes my movements slow an difficult.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that It is not necessary for me to participate with, and thus experience this reaction, and that I haven’t realized that I am the one creating this experience for myself that has become like routine, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe has power and control over me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and take my responsibility for my reaction dimension here and in this assist and support myself to NOT go into my reaction dimension but remaining here as breath/breathing instead of sinking down into the heaviness experience where it feels like I have a heavy thick gooy TAR over me that makes me heavy and makes it difficult to move my limbs because they are weighed down by this heavy black tar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel powerless and defenceless against my reactions, where I feel like it does not matter what I do or say, I will always get trapped in this “reaction” dimension where I sink down into the heavy depression state in relation to this point of art within the context of believing that I will fail within this endeavour.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to face my “Reaction Dimension” of myself in where I no more accept and allow myself to try to run and try to hide from or suppress my reactions that come up in relation to and as this Fear of Failure within this point I am walking, but instead I commit myself to Face this Point in and as Breath, and utilizing the practical tools of writing, and self forgiveness along with breathing to assist and support myself to stabilize myself within this myself in and as this reaction dimension so that I eventually am able to stand Here and Clear and no more going into my “heavy depression state” reaction that comes up within as a kind of heaviness within my body in relation to “fearing failing at this point of Art”, and so within this I commit myself to assist and support myself to Align myself to a clear and stable practical application as I see/realize/understand that I do not Have to participate within my “reaction dimension” that I have become so accustomed/programmed/conditioned to participate in which I see as why I continue repeating this experience over and over again, because “its normal” to me and has become routine, and so I commit myself to Establish a New Routine where I simply stand – breath – direct and live here and not going there into my emotional reactive states, particularly in relation to this “fear of Failure” Reaction state that I have literally become addicted to due to how routinely I allow myself to go into this experience, and so within this I assist and support myself to stop myself from existing as a slave to energy and my reactions, and Stabilize myself here in and as the Physical as a Self Directive Being, and thus stop bogging myself down in energy experiences that completely possess me where I become infused with certain reactions that completely influence my total expression/living.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Sudden Surges of Anxiety/Fear – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 193
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-193/


In my last blog I looked at/explored the reactions of heaviness within myself that I ‘sink into’ as the reaction that comes up in relation to the “fear of failing in my Art Endeavours” I notice that what comes up very quickly before the heaviness is a sudden anxiety within my solar plexus. I would also describe this “sudden anxiety” as the actual initial fear experience. It is like a fluttering of anxiety that comes up really fast within my solar plexus.

So this is where I will start today as I continue exploring/laying out my “Reaction Dimension” that occur in relation to the initial fear that I have of failing at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the reaction of anxiety which I see as also fear that suddenly comes up within my solar plexus like a sudden fluttering/shuttering energy surge experience that vibrate within my solar plexus when ever I start going into my mind and thinking about and looking at the point of possibly failing at this art point or /and also when I go into my imagination dimension and looking at playing out all the potential / possible various ways that I could fail or will fail, where in doing this this shuttering anxiety experience emerge suddenly and quickly within my solar plexus.

I commit myself to flag point this “sudden anxiety/fear experience in my solar plexus” that comes up in relation to this point of walking this art point so that I am able to more specifically identify exactly how and when this “sudden reaction” comes up within me, so that I can within this assist and support myself to stabilize myself within my application / walking of this point where in I pinpoint and lay out in exact detail in my “writing out of my myself” this point/reaction point so to identify how specifically I am creating it and have created/constructed it within myself, where I am able to look at specifically the different memories/past experiences/beliefs I have attached to this “sudden reaction/anxiety/fear experience” within me.

Also here I commit myself to as I open up and develop understanding and clarity on this point to thus stop my auto-participation in this point where In I automatically accept energetic reactions without in fact understanding them in exact detail in terms of what I am in fact participating with and or accepting and allowing myself to tacitly participate with/agree with/ perpetuate by participating with reactions automatically without understanding the exact context of what that “reaction” is or how it was/is created and all the various relationships I have connected to that particular reaction, and so within this assist and support myself to start develop Real Self Understanding and Awareness that I can TRUST, so to while doing this assist and support me to become more stable and also SELF Directed within myself/ my life / my application no more being guided here and there by energetic impulses that come up/ suddenly come up quickly within my body / my self that often I do not even noticed due to having become so accustom and conditioned to participating with that particular energetic reactions/feeling/emotion/experience within myself.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Exploring How I Create Self Doubt – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 194
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-194/


In my blog today I am continuing with looking at the specific reactions within the Reaction Dimension of my “Artist Character” basically where I am exploring/investigating the “Character” that I have lived out throughout my life in relation to my Art, where I will look at the various aspects of this point of Art, from money to the actual creation side of making art where within this I will investigating my entire Artist Character so to assist and support myself to Correct myself within this point and Assist and Support myself to Align my living to that which is best for All, and thus no more doing art and living out my Artist Character within the nature of Self Interest.

So the specific reaction I am going to look at/apply self forgiveness on today is “doubt” looking at doubt within the context of the initial fear that I started with of which is the “fear I won’t be able to/ know how to do it because of my past, because I have never been really successful at something, which is what I would want to be in relation to Selling my art, and I see that this ‘fear’ is thus pertaining to money specifically, and my fear that I don’t have the “know how” in how to become successful within this point”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into doubt when I start to look at within myself “if I will be able to walk this point of art effectively or not” where what occur is I actually start looking/exploring within my imagination / my past in terms of what I have done/accomplished with regards to art, and how past experiences of My Success and Failure in art and things related to art may influence my ability or in a way would determine my ability within this point this time around, where in looking at all this and projecting into the future what might happen with this point, I start to go into self doubt, where I start to feel anxious within myself and doubting my ability because there is just like so many things to consider and so much that may or may not happen.

I see here that this experience that I have described what I understand to be a mind experience where what I am describing is a process of where I am in a way flooded with images/pictures as past memories/ possible future playouts / fantasies where its like all of this come flooding up within myself and I become overwhelmed and that this contribute to my experience of self doubt where self doubt become the end result reaction I end up within. Thus I commit myself to remember to breathe and focus on what I am able to do simplistically within my immediate environment that will be a direct physical action I can take to move/practically apply myself in a way that contribute to the development of setting up this art point in how I have planned and see is some of the practical points which I require to direct myself in.
I see here that I am lacking self trust within myself in walking this point. It is quite extreme really in terms of how much I doubt myself within this.
I commit myself to investigate how it is that I could have manifested myself into such an extreme state/reaction of Self Doubt, where I have absolutely not trust in me or in what I am doing where if feel often like I have not solid grounding to stand on – Especially when it comes to the money side of things.

I commit myself to investigate my relationship with Money as I see that allot of my doubt is in relation to this aspect of this Art point being viable or not. I see/realize/understand that I have more trust within my ability to make the art than to sell the art, and so I commit myself to investigate why I have no trust in myself when it comes to “selling art” where even writing that phrase “selling art” I go into fear/have an inner reaction towards.

I see/realize/understand that the money component of this equation that I am exploring/putting together in terms of making this art point a viable point for me to apply myself within in terms of generating money / making a living – that this money component is where I experience the most uncertainty and doubt myself the most and have the most fear around, and is the part of the equation where I fear/believe the entire point will fall apart, and so I even fear looking at the point in detail, opening it up and going into it to investigate/see where and how on the one side this point exist within me in terms of my pre-existent relationship to money, and secondly if/how this “money component of the equation I am working on in terms of selling art is in fact viable, and have I investigated/understood this part of the equation effectively enough or is there something else I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point will not work out now, in terms of money, because it did not work out in the past, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insist that this is going to be like it was in the past or at least similar to how it was in the past, within this not allowing myself to see/realize/understand that things are different now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a rush of fear in relation to the statement “things are different now” because this is exactly what I used to say and believe in the past as well and things were never different.

I see/realize/understand that things will only be different if I actually change me completely in terms of what I accept and allow myself to live. And that I am in a position to do this, though I must understand that I will in fact have to “change myself” from the perspective that if I accept and allow myself to exist within and participate with how I did in the past, than I will just create that exact point all over again, and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to within my writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application actually change me for real, and to within my commitment and walking of this change to realize that Self Trust only step forth within real proven change, and so have a guideline here also in terms of how I can assist and support myself to develop self trust and thus stop existing within my reaction state of self doubt, and that is to Walk / LIVE the Practical Correction with regards to for instance this Point that I am walking at the moment within utilizing Art as a Medium to Develop Self Stability in the System in terms of money, where in this I must Physically move myself within this point in a Direct way, focusing on and setting up the necessary relationships that facilitate the flow/movement of money as an integral primary part of this equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically doubt myself this time around within what I am planning and walking/preparing to walk with art, where this doubt exist as a kind of initial reaction point that immediately come up within looking at / walking / preparing to walk this point where its like I just think to myself “there is no way I can do this” Basing this mostly on how things have gone so far for me within this point, where all I want to do here is just give up, and just give into the experience/reaction of doubt, and the certainty I experience that I will fail.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my doubt is more like a certainty within myself, A certainty that I will fail, where I just think within myself “there is no way this is going to work”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I never sit down and write out this point in detail, looking at and investigating all the components and how I have ‘arrived’ at such a position/experience of doubt, that I will just continue going on in doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into self doubt if I am not able to see how a point will play out in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with doubt and uncertainty within starting out with this endeavour because there is still many points I must walk and apply, and that within myself I haven’t yet developed the ability or understood how to remain stable within my “Here” when I am facing a point/path that I do not know exactly how it will play out.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Doubt – Further Explorations – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 195
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-195/


Before I continue with the self corrective statements for the self forgiveness that I had done in relation to the reaction of ‘doubt’ I wanted to describe my experience today in relation to working on my art website.

So today I decided that I work some more on getting my website set up so that I can make the website ‘live’ asap. I experienced a kind of ‘blockage’ when faced with this task of doing what I see is required now get my website to a point where I can actually launch it.

One of the points that I have not been able to bring through is the “how I am going to profile myself”. I have decided that I will profile myself as an “Artist Activist” and I am satisfied with this because then I can incorporate what I am doing with Desteni in terms of “showing who I am” as an Artist/Person.

But this point has not been coming through. Its like I have ran into a wall so to speak. And nothing is wanting to flow. In the beginning the points were all seeming to come together nicely and things were moving. But when it came to this point of “profiling myself” I have not been able to place this/align this and in this placing the appropriate content on the site. And so at this stage it is like I have ran into a ‘wall’ so to speak, where I find now things are not as clear, and are a bit more confusing.

Ok so more just wrote this out as something that was going with my experience today – For Self Clarity Sake.
For now I will continue with the Self Commitments in relation to the point of ‘doubt’ I have been working on.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to see/realize/understand the entirety of this reaction I have of doubt/uncertainty where I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to deconstruct this particular reaction of doubt and uncertainty as a reaction experience I face/experience/am encountered with within my process here of directing me as per my intention to utilize Art/My Skill and Ability in art to generate money in the system.

I commit myself to investigate where it is, at which points “I give up on myself” when for instance being faced with an experience of doubt or uncertainty that I sometimes define as “overwhelming”. And so I commit myself to investigate these behaviours/this particular behaviour of the mental and physical process that I walk through within and as the process of “giving up on myself” / “giving into self doubt” specifically in relation to this point of “Art” looking at and exploring how I have created this behaviour/reaction of self doubt which I then make a decision based on this reaction/feeling/experience to in essence “give up” on my initial plans/intentions to Aligning my Artistic Skills and Abilities to Generate Money in The System. Something that I see/realize/understand is at this stage not being done at all in the very least, but that I have neglected this point in terms of Aligning it within the Current System in a way to generate money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “nothing I ever do will make money” where I approach everything that I do in my life with this initial belief within myself and so to have approached this point of Art with this same belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to actually make my website live which would be the point of me actually engaging the system, where in I would be linking my system in with the greater system at large to initiate the potential flow of money, where my fear of failure is just to great that I will hesitate and go into resistance towards doing this fearing the ridicule of others if I fail, fearing them saying “I told you so” which is actually what I tell myself as the “certainty I have within myself that this will not work, that I am not capable of making this work. Where I become so possessed by this experience within and as my self that It influence within my practical physical living where I will stop applying myself within this point due to having built up within myself the idea/belief that it will not work.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to utilizing writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statements to explore/investigate and correct my internal beliefs that I have created within myself and here also in doing these things, assist and support myself to get an clear understanding of how I create/ build Characters within and as me which I then live out, and so here supporting me to actually understand how I am creating myself and the world.

I commit myself to within my process of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, understand this aspect of myself of how I have created this doubt and uncertainty within myself in relation to this point of Art where this is like a specific equation so to speak that I have created as a primary point within myself in terms of how I act/respond/behave in relation to this point of when ever I approach art and basically start going through the motions of the various thoughts, feelings, emotions, that I experience/walk through/ participate with that determine the experience I have in relation to this point and also how I direct myself within and as this point of “Art” looking and here I commit myself to look at and investigate all the ideas/beliefs/perceptions that I have created/constructed within myself in relation to the point of Art, so to assist and support myself to Effectively Align me to LIFE within the principle of Equality and oneness, and so thus within this I see/realize/understand that I will in fact have to come to an equal and one understanding of “how I created me” thus within the context of my life at the moment, Art has played a role as a prominent aspect of my life and thus so then implying that I will have to understand this Part of myself in Exact Detail, as this is simply a part of me that must be understood, as all parts of me must eventually and inevitably be understood through and within the process of walking myself to equality and oneness with and as myself so that I am able to be HERE in absolute and full Self Awareness of every part aspect of me.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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The Feeling of Impending Failure – Where does it come from? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day196
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... y-to-life/


Tonight I am continuing with looking at the “Reaction Dimension” of my “Artist Character”
The specific reaction that I am going to be exploring is “Impossibility”

I see this point of ‘impossibility’ to be an extension of the reaction of doubt.
It is more like my doubt specifically defined as ‘impossibility’ like making this point will be a ‘long shot’
I have always felt / experienced myself like this point of Art will be a ‘long shot’.

Like that the odds were against me and it was unlikely in terms of an ‘odds’ perspective yet I had a faith in myself and my ability to make the point work. Yet there was a level of ‘hope’ that I held onto. I remember after I graduated and I was renting a place and I had a studio that I worked in and my plan of “being an artist” was not coming together as quickly as I’d hoped and wanted, that it was like I was always looking at a kind of “last case scenario” type thing where I would take one possible point that I could find that “just might work” and I would hold onto that point, and use this to fuel my Art. It was like a tiny glimmer at the end of the tunnel, and I would fixate on that point and just keep going even though practically speaking the ‘odds’ I was working with was quite unbalanced from the perspective that it became more like I would need a miracle to have things work out. So there was Rarely any certainty or stability within my endeavours as an Artist. The math was never adding up in my favour, yet I continued pushing ahead simply seeing this as adversity which I must overcome. I remember I used to look at this point from the perspective that I would need to work twice as hard and as long than people who worked “normal jobs” if I was going to make any money doing this. So this was my ‘mentality’ so to speak, that I will have to work twice as hard and working way longer hours than ‘normal people’ to have this point, and so in a way here had developed an idea that “it was more difficult to “make it” as an Artist. That the competition was more fierce.
But I am still not seeing here how I created this experience within myself where I feel like this point is never going to work. This experience is like, as I move myself within the point, there is within me in the center of my torso like this feeling that “Its not going work” that “its just not!”
This is like expecting a point of failure.
I see that I accept and allow this experience to direct/influence me within this point. Where it becomes easy to give up, easy to come to the conclusion “this is not going to work” easy to give up when things don’t seem to be moving anywhere, where the back-chat start coming up, “see, I knew it”. “I knew this wasn’t going to work”

So this doubt reaction, along with the point of ‘impossibility’ and feeling like it is a ‘long shot’ and also feeling like this point is headed towards inevitable failure, I see that these points are actually related to my beliefs about Art in itself. Like a deep seeded belief that “Art will never work as an occupation” I have touched on this point before earlier in my writings on this point, And I am seeing now that my doubt/impossibility/inevitable failure/longshot reaction is related to the particular Skill/Industry that I am working within, where I have created/accepted that “it will be impossible to make in this industry”

I had a quite a few discussions with “Y” around the point of Art. I see that during this time, I was looking to “Y” for an answer. Though “Y” would never give me the Answer that I wanted to hear, which was – “YES Art is the perfect choice, do that and you will succeed.” That never came up. Though I wish it did. I see also that I formed a belief that Art was a waste of time during this period. I basically solidified the idea that I will never be doing this point, and it will never work. And so in a way I gave it up while I was there. I still continued doing this in my spare time but was not something I looked at at all as a career. I know that “Y” never explicitly said that art will or will not work. But I more tended to interpret what was said and more continued to form my idea that “Art will Never work” It was like I just wanted to have the point done with. I could not bare to string it along as some potential point.

I remember watching my “Z” one morning getting ready for work. He looked so miserable, I remember thinking to myself on numerous occasions that I will never work a job that I hate. Obviously I did not consider what “hate” was at that point, I thought “Z’s” experience was “because of his job” I did not consider the greater equation so to speak of what actually went into that experience that he had towards his job.

I remember “X” used to go to LA and do recordings with a producer there. He was very excited about everything and he and his band recorded an entire album, He was excited about it. But eventually things settled down and things just went back to how they always were around our house. The “Plan” did not work out like what I perceived him working towards. Its like there was this kind of build up taking place and the potential for Money, Money, Money to come from it. But this did not work out all, and eventually things just settled down. There was no real breakthrough. There was NEVER that breakthrough.
I see that I in a way have created this similar “breakthrough” expectation. Like that suddenly, eventually I will breakthrough and get the point working. But I fear that this will never come. Its like I feel sick with fear that its not ever going to work. Its like I have developed this idea that if there are no breakthroughs then something is wrong, then things are not working out or will never work out.

Ok I am going to stop here tonight.
I am still not certain as to
Why I have this “impending failure” experience within the point of doing Art in terms of having it ever amount to anything with any financial return, and why it is that “I know it is just not going to work”

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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The Inconsistency of the Mind – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 197
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-197/

Physical Behaviour Dimension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the Physical Behaviours of and as My Artist Character, as the specific physical tendencies and characteristics that I live out in relation to and as this Character, looking at specifically here the “fear of not being able to make this point effective in terms of setting it up in a way to generate money” where in relation to this I will live out the physical behaviour dimension of such a Character/Personality where I will purse my lips together tightly and forming a frown on the sides of my mouth, and also where I will slump my shoulders more where in this my entire posture becomes more slouched, and also I will actually paint/do art allot less in where I will actually Not Paint/Stop doing art not bothering to even pick up the brush, this as the physical behaviours of and as my Artist Character in relation to the fear of “not being able to make this point work effectively in a financially sustainable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my Mind Character / Artist Character where in the various dimensions of the mind existent within me will in essence take over completely and this will influence me in my practical physical living, thus the directive principle of me within this point, where in my Actual Physical Behaviours will “follow suit” be influenced to the degree where they have become Dependent on the mind to determine for instance when and where I feel, based on how I experience myself within and as my Artist Character – In this actually having abdicated my Physical Practical Responsibility as Directive Principle of myself to Direct myself within this point in a Consistent Sustained way that is practically necessary for this point to work practically, but that I will in fact compromise this sustained practical physical self movement through by accepting and allowing myself as my physical behaviours to be influenced by the mind and the energy I experience within me where I will allow this to determine my physical behaviours/movements/practical application within this point, which then becomes inconsistent and compromised.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to take back my Directive Principle within and as my Practical Physical Behaviours/Application within this point of doing art where in I stop accepting and allowing my physical movements/behaviours/application within this point to be determined by the mind where in essence it is me as the Mind as my Artist Character that is deciding when and where I paint based on the various play-outs/movements/experiences of/as the mind dimensions of the character, instead of this being me walking/moving/physically applying myself within this point in a consistent way based on a practical consideration of what is necessary for making this point work, but that this consideration gets highjacked by my Artist Character, where I accept and allow myself to step into this Character, and thus this taking me within my practical physical application into a NON-Application as now I am subject to the highs and lows of this Character to initiate/direct my Application/Physical Behaviour within my art application and so thus –

I commit myself to assist and support myself to step out of my “Artist Character” as I see that this character’s application within and as Art Making is dependent on the mind dimensions of this Character which creates instability and basically a roller coaster of ups and downs, where for instance in a moment I am taken to a sadness experience in and as my reaction dimension and so then stop painting, where then I am needing a more positive experience to again build up the motivation needed to start painting again, instead of being able to Develop a Consistent Application of this where I Direct me within this based on a practical necessity of what is required and thus work it into my Schedule, not more accepting and allowing my mind to determine the Schedule I follow in terms of my Art making application.

Consequence Dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the responsibility of this Art Point to and as My “Artist Character” where then the application of myself within this point, whether it be in the actual art making process or the financial side of things is left to the direction/determination/influence of my Artist Character and thus the Mind, where then the consequence of doing this is that I never end up following through with this point in a practically sustainable way because the nature of the mind and this character is to in fact give up and become subject to energy and emotional reactions and the various dimensions of the mind which always end up sabotaging a REAL Stable Practical Solution based on a Practical Application Determined and Lived in Common Sense and Consistency.

I commit myself to STOP participating within and as my Artist Character as a way to Support myself within Developing a Practically Sustainable and Effective use of my Art Skills within the context of this world / money system. And thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to Direct Myself based on Principle where I in this assist and support me to move me through resistances and “not wanting to do it’s” and to within this Align my Physical Application within this point to being a Consistent Daily application, not something that I either do or not do depending on “how I feel” and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to explore the particular points/experiences which I still accept and allow myself to give into that “throw me off track” so to speak and where I will “rather not paint/do art” but just trust some experience within myself that divert me from remaining consistent within my Art Application of and as the specific determined application arrived at in practically assessing what I will require to do with and as this point to support this in becoming an effectively viable point within my world within the context of money.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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The Social-LIES I tell myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 198
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-198/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rather stay home than to “go out” where I will have to meet new people and talk to them, thus making a decision based in fear, fear of getting out my comfort zone, where in making such a decision implying that fear is the directive principle, of me and also within this coming up with pleasant excuses to justify why I am allowing myself to be directed by a “fear experience” where this “fear experience” actually exist within me like a possession state where I only stick to doing that that “I am comfortable with” coming up with various excuses to justify not ever doing anything outside of that which/where my mind is safe, because it can predict what is going to happen in the environment, and thus can remain in control, thus I can remain in my mind possession state of being controlled/directed/influenced by fear, and within this accepting and allowing me to limit what I do within my life so to appease the fear of within and as me that act up when ever something comes up that is out of my “comfort bubble”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my energetic experiences, even in cases where these energetic experiences are indicating an aversion to do something, and thus that I should not do something that if I look at that ‘something’ in common sense actually see that it would support me to assist and support myself within my practical physical living and expression of me that is NOT me simply staying in my comfort zone and spending time in my mind / thought patterns / and basically within the various dimensions of the mind, that only support my own self mind possession state of self hypnosis
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that “I am not ready to socialize” where I speak such back-chat in my mind as my mind as a way to manipulate myself to not step out of my comfort zone where I have already exactly what I need/require as the MIND as the necessary mind stimulation points already carefully crafted and delivered on a silver platter as the environment that I have formed as my immediate environment where I spend most of my time that I have formed in a way to support me within and as my mind, Instead of having Directed myself to always be stepping out of my comfort zone as the practical support application of getting myself out of the mind and into Being HERE in and as the physical and thus assisting and supporting myself to break my pre-programmed self hypnosis state that I have designed / programmed as the various dimensions as thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies, fears, inner movements, likes, dislikes, inner dialog, through out my life within living/existing in and as and designing my mind in Unawareness where I had basically no understanding how I created/was creating and designing me at all, as I was not aware of the Self Creation Process and how I as life am in fact creating myself and what is Here as this world, and so now do not want to “step out of” that pre-programmed comfort zone in my within and without and support me to in fact become self directive instead of living in an automatic way where I have within this given my directive principle away to my mind as the programming and systems of and as the mind.

I commit myself to investigate the judgements/perceptions that I have of myself that come up as the excuses/reasons/justifications for why “I am not ready to socialize” and thus deciding to NOT socialize based on these excuses, thus committing myself to investigate such judgements in writing due to seeing how much I actually continue to validate such judgements as “good reasons” for why I always never socialize with people, and within this also applying self forgiveness, and self corrective application to assist and support myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by these such judgements within myself that I have decided are or Real Value and Credit. And so
I commit myself to in fact start working with such “perceptions/judgements” of self with writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application because if anything these Self Judgements I have created and formed about myself are becoming “stronger” so to speak and I am seeing how I will accept and allow myself to base decisions on such judgements, even within knowing that to face myself in situations where these Self Judgements would be Challenged like for instance going out more and communicating with others, I to face such situations would in fact be beneficial for me to “GET REAL” instead of existing in a mental reality that has become far disconnected/removed from practical physical reality, that can be understood, in looking at that such mental reality judgements insist that “I should rather just trust these judgements I have of me” that by all accounts in trusting such judgements only fuel these Self Judgements even more that indicate that I am “Less Than” that I am “Unworthy” instead of assisting and supporting myself to actually realize that I am Equal and One to all beings from the perspective that not one is more or less than another but that ALL life is Equal.
I see/realize/understand also that I am in some instances, deliberately sabotaging myself by “repeating mantras of self judgement to myself like “ but I am less than others” speaking such statements within myself as the process of deliberately placing myself in situations, points, where it is less supportive, doing this over and over again, thus obviously making it more difficult for me to Develop those skills that I judge about myself that I would have actually had an opportunity to practice/realize of and as me if I were to just “DO IT” instead of deliberately repeating mantra’s of self judgements about myself that I knew was not true but would impose on myself as some kind of addiction to self pity, and so
I commit myself to deliberately place myself in situations that I may not find comfortable and that I see/experience resistance to as the mind resisting such points, doing this as a point to practically assist and support myself to Align my Living to a more practical physical equal and one living, instead of just existing in my own internal reality that is quite limited and in fact Self Destructive to Me Doing what is in fact actually best and most supportive for me in my Living.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to change my self destructive behaviour of and as living/existing in the mind and thus assist and support myself to Align my living to a more practical physical expression of me here in and as the moment where I direct myself to break out of my programming and develop my Living in a way that is IN FACT BEST FOR ME AND BEST FOR ALL.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Developing Self Awareness Through Writing – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 199
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Mind is much more powerful than me, and that within this become actually reactive towards this such belief, where I react in fear that the MIND that I have created as myself is to much, is to big, is to engrained, for me to be able to “change my ways” accepting and allowing myself to exist within a state of “giving up” as “not even bothering” to even attempt to change”, this indicating / signalling the participation in this belief that “I can’t, I just can’t do it, there is no point, the mind is to big, I will have no affect, I will fail”

I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements to continue investigating/working with myself daily as the practical application of assisting and supporting myself to develop self awareness, understanding, and physical corrective movement within the process of changing my starting point of my Living from the mind/self interest to Physical Living within the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the belief I have formed within myself and now LIVE that the mind is too much and too big for me to be able to Direct Myself to a Stable Directive Standing within my application of “stopping my mind” and stopping myself from being overwhelmed by the mind. A point that I still as of yet require to Align within myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself within and as dedicated writing, via daily blogging, and working on my DIP assignments as well as other necessary writings to PRACTICALLY assist and support myself (with the emphasis on “PRACTICAL”) to develop self awareness of my mind and how I have created myself and existed within and as my mind, this to facilitate myself within stopping the automated living that I have accepted and allowed of myself within essentially “Living According to My Mind”, using dedicated writing to develop an Intimate and Intricate clear and perfect understanding of how I have formed the relationships within my mind/ created my mind and now have come to live that out in my physical behavioural living – Instead of ending up trying to Force myself to Change without utilizing writing to develop an actual understanding of the mind process at work to facilitate this Changing of Self from living/existing as a mind to Living/Existing Here equal and one to the physical where I become self directive based on the common sense principle of what is best for all, instead of being directed by my mind as the various components/dimensions the mind utilize to influence/control/direct/enslave self.

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Prioritizing REAL VALUE – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 200
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an “aversion” to painting where within this aversion I am defining painting as a complete waste of time, that there is so many other better ways to spend my time so that I am developing the necessary skills to stand as an effective example of Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment within myself in relation to painting, where whenever I am preparing to paint or considering/looking at the point of making a painting or making art I end up experiencing disappointment, because in that moment when looking at/considering or preparing to paint/do art, I feel as though what I am about to do is not an effective use of my time, and then in this am both caught between and torn between “to paint” or “not to paint” not knowing which direction to go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment in relation to the point of not ever really getting to refine my painting skills/abilities to a point where I am effective within this skill, where within me I deep down feel/believe that this painting/art point is not in fact going anywhere, that this is just a temporary thing, which also create quite a contradiction within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never getting to actually refine my art skills.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the back-chat “Art is a waste of time” where within such back-chat I am implying that I should not do art and that its a waste of time, yet am at the same time I am practically applying myself in this point, and so in entertaining, and participating with such back-chat am creating the experience within myself of being torn between either painting or not painting, fuelled within and as the back-chat statement “painting is a waste of time” that is in complete contradiction to what I am attempting to live / physically moving myself within and so create stress and friction and inner conflict within myself as I walk this painting/art point, while at the same time, contradicting myself in my back-chat where I am stuck between either doing it or not because I don’t know if my belief/back-chat that “painting is a waste of time” is real or not.
So When did I define Art as a “waste of time”.
I remember I used to value doing Art as being a high purpose. I was do dedicated to it. I was so engrossed in it, in learning about it, researching it, practicing, exploring, investigating, refining, pushing. I was this way up until around the time I found Desteni. I had still held my value system towards art within myself during this time, but I had already started to decline in my “artistic output” though I did not consider art as a waste of time.
I also remember after art school one time I was at my aunts house and my relatives where there. I stayed for a little while but then left early because I was going back to my house to work on painting. I remember speaking to my uncles about it and they were more business men that worked in the system in a 9 to 5 kind of way, and in communicating with them I formed this perception that they thought that I was dedicated and that I would amount to something with my art because of my dedication.
So I stood my ground in a way. I was “set” on my “task at hand” I was determined to make art work.
Even though I was faced with business type men I did not look at what I was doing as a “waste of time” in fact I considered it to be more ‘noble’ in a way to be “more important than what they were doing” so here I was actually judging what they were doing and I had within myself exalted art to a “higher status”.
I realize now that this is not the case, that everything is equal. Previously I had believed that Art was “more superior” There is also the point here that “I was following my dream” which was intertwined into the definition I had created/constructed around the point of art.
I used to look at allot of art books and I used to want to be as good as the Artists in the books. I still do.
I want to reach a degree of expertise in my field that I am satisfied with. But I feel like this is a want that distract me from what is actually real. Meaning the actual context of our world currently where war, starvation, suffering and the destruction of humanity and the earth is taking place – Like we are eating ourselves. That is REAL, that is a priority.
So my question is Where does refining my skill-set in Art come into play or/and does it come into play at all.
Obviously Id like to become effective in my ability within expressing/communication in this point. Because that is what I am doing. I am expressing/communicating me. I feel like the point to really discover how to communicate effectively within art is possible, but perhaps not yet in this life-time.
That is where I am torn.
I mean practically speaking, Art seeeeeemmmmmmsssss like a route that I ‘could’ walk but that is a BIG “seeemmms like” so implying still an uncertainty, a doubt.
Ok getting back to “Art is a waste of time”
In the past, I had nothing else to do but do art. There was no other purpose to my life. Therefore I could do art night and day.
When I started with desteni, I started applying myself within different various processes/tools and this takes quite a bit of time during the day.
And now also I have different responsibilities with Desteni that I see as being of importance and thus “developing my skill in art” takes a back-seat because obviously it does not matter how skilled I am at art, if I have no understanding of who I am and what life is and how I function and create reality then WTF.
The Development of Self Awareness takes president.
And also here I can see now how I have formed this idea that “Art is a waste of time” because the process of self realization is obviously the priority point, and so within my process of doing Art, I must become effective at ensuring that My Process never takes a back-chat seat or second place. Because that then WOULD be a waste of time, because it is ME that is essentially taking the back-seat waiting for me to actually pay attention to me, and Support myself to see/realize/understand who I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am wasting my time, when ever I place my process in second place, because my process is ME, and without ME in the picture, then no matter what I do, I am not really HERE anyways but suppressing myself behind some pursuit that I have given more value than ME. The very point that is required to actually Substantiate my Existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my process second behind art, where in for instance my Daily application of me within process, within my process of writing and doing my DIP lessons, and supporting on the forums and in Networking etc starts to diminish due to me placing my attention on art.
I commit myself to ensure that my Commitment to Myself/Process is my number one priority where I am always moving and motivating me within this instead of treating it as something to just get done with each day to move onto other things in my life, which then would indicate a mis-interpretation of what in fact is of REAL VALUE to me, this world and what is best for all.
I commit myself to dedicate myself DAILY to developing Self Awareness and Effective Practical Living within The context of what is best for all, doing this through assisting and supporting myself through the various Desteni Process that are set-up and that I am participating with and to NOT EVER forget that this is THEE most important part of my life, not because I must make it this way, but because it actually has the most value to life as it support REAL LIFE as the bringing forth of a world of oneness and equality and what is best for all.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Judging My Expression – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 201
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Judging My Expression

Today and yesterday I spent some time making some paintings. I see this point within myself of where I “lose faith” in myself in terms of when the painting does not turn out the way I want. I am going to explore the various mind dimensions of this point.

Fear Dimension.
-fear that I am not smart enough to do intricate paintings that I see others have done, and thus that “I will never get it”
-Fear of never improving
-Fear that I reached my highest ability already
-Fear of Failure

Thought Dimension
Seeing myself with many paintings around me where things are working out and I am making allot of paintings and my skill is improving and I am satisfied with my expression and the expansion of my expression and in this seeing myself as happy and satisfied and vibrant.

Imagination Dimension

Imagine my parents or someone I know or don’t know looking at the paintings after I have finished with them and having “no response” where they just respond in a real mundane way, or actually that they think within themselves “that’s not that good” So here I imagine other peoples responses to the Art I have done, where often as I am making the Art, I will actually start to imagine other peoples responses to the art, and this will vary in terms of me imagining both positive and negative feedback.

Back-Chat
What if I don’t get better
What if I have reached my peak already
What if I am not smart/intelligent enough like not enough brain power.
What if there is something physically wrong with my eye sight.
This is never going to work/I will never get it
These paintings are horrible
Will I ever get better?
I don’t want anybody to see these paintings – they are so bad
My paintings are so amateurish
I can’t do this

Reaction Dimension
Embarrassment (because my paintings are not that great)
Anxiety
Impatience
Hopelessness
Tense – like a constant frustration
Restlessness
Disappointment/Depression
Inadequate
Irritated
Frustarted/Angry

Physical Behaviour Dimension
Physical tenseness and Stress in my body due to “my paintings not working how I wanted”
Restlessness – not able to relax

Consequence Dimension
Here I see that the consequence of participating in the various mind dimensions related to “my paintings not working out the way that I wanted” is that I will create a constant stress within my life/myself. I see this process of participating with the various mind dimensions related to this point of “my paintings not working out how I would like” is a process of self judgement and that this in a way is “counter productive” so to speak, like in a way working against myself as I walk the process of doing Art. So The Consequence is here making this path actually more difficult and strenuous and in a way working against myself if I were to just breath and direct myself within this point and stop going into the mental realities I have created within/around/in relation to this point.

Self Forgiveness

Fear Dimension

-fear that I am not smart enough to do intricate paintings that I see others have done, and thus that “I will never get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not smart enough to do highly intricate paintings and highly skilled paintings, that I believe within myself requires a certain degree of brain power/capacity that I believe/fear I don’t have and thus will never be able to get my paintings to look like what I want them to look like.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that if I continue to apply myself within this point that eventually I will become effective to the degree that I want, and that instead of trusting myself in this common sensical approach have gone quickly into Fear (The Dimensions of The Mind) and thus creating an experience/interpretation of the point through/as the mind which I have giving my attention to and made real thus causing a chain reaction of sorts as the various dimensions of this Self Judging Personality/Character are activated and what then thus ensures is the experience within myself created through/as the participating /playing out of the various contexts of mind dimensions.

In my next blog I will continue with the Self Forgiveness statements on the Fear Dimension along with Self Corrective Statements.

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