Andrew's Journey To Life

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Post by Andrew »

Underestimating The Moment – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 771
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I leave again tomorrow to go home. I tried leaving a couple days ago but then ran into car trouble so had to get that fixed before I return home. When I arrive home I will be heading into the winter season, both seasonally as well as business wise. My experience is that when I get home that it will be a form of a ‘beginning’ of sorts. So at the moment, I am kind of just preparing for that. What I am observing about myself is that I have connected a lot ‘negativity’ to ‘New Beginnings’ because of the past I have had with ‘new beginnings’ where ‘nothing ever changes’ and so in thinking about this ‘beginning’ now taking place where I am starting a new phase of things, a part of me is excited but there is a part of me that is also heavy, and down, and telling myself, “who cares, it’s the same ol’ thing because things aren’t going to change this time around” So my question is, How do I actually change this heaviness, and how do I actually make a difference in my life instead of living out the usual patterns that end up creating the negative relationship I have with ‘new beginnings’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself “things never change” and to connect an energy experience of anger and frustration to this statement. And so within this allowing myself to be influenced by anger and frustration energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize even that these subtle energetic dimensions that I have connected to “new beginnings” is actually influencing me where I will just dismiss the heavy experience I have within me instead of investigating where it is coming from so that I can change it and change myself through understanding it and also being more aware of it so that I don’t allow it to subtly influence me in the background of myself.

I commit myself to realize that writing supports me to see more of myself and open myself up and so become more aware of myself and so thus overall supports me to Direct different parts of me that go undirected because they are unnoticed when I am writing a lot less or not as engaged in a process of Self Introspection that is very much strengthened through self writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to already go into Self Defeat, before I even begin something because of how it went in the past, where I have accumulated so many reactions where I have reached a point of thinking “whats the point”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is impossible to step out of my experience that is here in relation to starting this new phase of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear that things will just be the same as always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up this new phase, where I want and desire things to be different this time, instead of just sticking to walking day by day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my creative and directive power through allowing myself to project in mind and fantasize in my mind what the future will be like, instead of sticking to HERE, and Creating it HERE in the very moment and breath I stand and breathe as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project excitement, fun, and creativity into the future, projecting this idea of how “things will be” moving forward, but in that separating myself from me Living HERE day to day which is where I can practically and physically be and become the change I want to see, through Living it here in and now, in this moment, seeing, realizing, and understanding that all and any change comes from the decisions I make in real time, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the HERE Moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate the moment within which I Stand, where even though it might seem ordinary and even mundane or something that does not have a lot of potential, I see, realize, and understand that it is in this moment, and the decisions I live HERE in this moment in the present that shape myself and my life into the future.

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that the moment I find myself in now is my creative moment, and where my creative, directive principle exists, and so I commit myself to remind myself to not underestimate the moments of my life that is HERE, that I often define as ordinary or mundane.

I commit myself to practice focusing myself into and as Real-Time Living, and I commit myself to practice Challenging what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as boring, and uninspiring moments. Challenging them, from the perspective of Challenging myself to acknowledge that Who I am is determined through my thoughts, words, and deeds, in each and every moment, and that if a moment is one I see and define as boring, this does not change the fact that I am still creating myself in that very moment and that my decisions, my thoughts, my words, and my deeds, are Equally as Potent in Transformational and Creative force as any other moment, and so I commit myself remind myself this and realize that there is a lot of support I can give myself even if at first I allow myself to engage with a moment through my mind and preprogrammed ways of being and engaging.

I commit myself to embrace the moment I am in, no matter what it might seem like, as I see, realize, and understand that each moment that is here is Equal in its Creative Potency. I will either creating something boring for myself or I will create something interesting, or I will create some other outcome, either way, it is my will and self movement and direction that determines the outcome where I am 100 percent responsible for who I am and what I create.

So here I am reminding myself that my actions do matter in a moment, they NEVER don’t matter. And also in relation to this, that I can stop existing in future projections of this new phase of my life, because in a way, I am already In it so I don’t have to imagine it, rather I can just Focus on Right Here and Right Now, and Focus on Who and How I am Living Day to Day and Moment to Moment, as this will determine the shape and form of this next phase of my life.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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What does ‘CALM’ mean to me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 772
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In this blog I am going to be mapping out the Word ‘CALM’. This means I will be exploring my relationship to this word and what energies, experiences, ideas, words, thoughts, statements, behaviors, pictures and any other dimensions of myself I have attached to it.

One of the first images that came up when I spoke the word ‘Calm’ to myself as I looked at what other words I could see within the original word ‘Calm’ is I saw the image of a quiet cut-block with the sound of distant crows cawing (cawlm)echoing throughout the silence. This image comes from my past memories. I grew up out in the country and this image of calmness is one I would encounter throughout my childhood and even later in my life growing up in that environment.

An aspect of this word ‘Calm’ that I see within my relationship to and as it is that it exists within a point of separation from me where ‘Calm’ is more a picture that I see and the experience I have connected to that picture/memory within me instead of it being something more tangible and present. There is not a lot of areas in my life right now where I actually experience myself as ‘Calm’ for me it more has become something to attain rather than something that I ever really experience except for seemingly fleeting moments.

In a way this word is abstract to me. I know what it means, I know what it is, but I feel like I have never been able to make it part of my life.

I find myself more stressed and anxious and stumbling and bumbling to try and get myself stable in the core areas of life, and things in my life seem more hectic than calm. I can understand what ‘calm’ means, but it is something foreign to my life and I feel like its been a struggle for me to actually achieve ‘Calm’ within myself and within my life, and it has been years of pushing, to try and create it in myself and my life and so there is a form of hopelessness in relation to ‘Calm’ as well where when I see this word, I just see the struggles I have had the last some years and how it feels like there is so little Calm in my life despite my efforts to create it, where In reality I more just have to GO GO GO GO GO and so there is a Dimension of exhaustion I have connected to this word where calm is like something I try and achieve but struggle to do for myself. Calm is more like something I try and do in my down time when I take moments to Rest and that it is NOT a part of my actual daily routine which is more grueling. This is interesting, that right now ‘Calm’ is something I try and access by taking a break.

I can also see hopelessness as well as bitterness where having this word ‘Calm’ exist as part of my life seems impossible, almost laughably so.

Overall, I do see that word of hopelessness connected to the word Calm, where it doesn’t seem like I will be able to have that calm and peace as part of my life in the near future, so from that perspective I kind of just give up on it and accept that its not here now and that it will only ever be here in the future sometime if ever. So it always seems like its just “out there” and just “out of reach”

I mostly try and achieve calm by taking a break from my life but that these moments are more like momentary collapses rather than where I really experience a sense of calm and peace.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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The Inner and Outer of Taking on New Projects – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 773
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In this blog I am going to begin a process of supporting myself within Self Creation when it comes to taking on new projects or tasks and so here am going to begin with mapping out the ‘normal’ cycles I go through when it comes to walking projects from beginning to end.

The first phase of the project usually begins when it first opens up. This is often met with excitement. During this stage or phase of the project when it first emerges I find this is where I will start looking at and thinking about all the different possibilities and outcomes that could come to pass. Though I will often have excitement during this phase I will also have reservations. Fear is another emotion that I face during this time, and actually a lot of projects never get much past the very beginning stages of physical movement because for what ever reasons (which I am here to find out) I allow myself to lose motivation or talk myself out of actually bringing the point into physical movement and creation.

I am actually at this stage right now with a project I am working on. A new point opened up and it is different to how I have been doing things in the past. Its not completely different, there are some core points still in place, but there is also some New Core points that is being realigned.

I have noticed that excitement within me, and I have also noticed Fear. Fear about things not working out. Fear about my own personal capacity to handle the new responsibilities associated with the project.

Now this brings up an interesting dimension of walking projects. For me I notice that I really internalize things a lot from the perspective of I will look at aspects of myself that I don’t like, that I judge, that I see as weaknesses, and I will think to myself that “I have to change these weaknesses into strengths or else the project will never work” and so I see that in doing this I end up putting a new pressure on myself where suddenly its like there is a new onus on who I am in relation to my personal process and how I am walking my personal Self Support in changing myself and living my best self.

With regards to this personal process dimension of taking on new projects, I do find that again there is a mix of optimism as well as frustration. Optimism from the perspective of looking at the possibilities of Self Change, and thinking “Maybe this will finally be the moment where I really change” and then in the same breath, I experience a heaviness, and think “I will never change” and so as I go through this internal dialogue or internal processing of what I will have to do or what I perceive I will have to do in terms of personal change to make sure the project is a success, I find that it will begin to weigh on me where now there is more pressure on myself to not make mistakes, to make sure I am walking my process of self change where this is something I have linked to the success or failure of the new project I am about to embark on.

Sometimes it works well, and my new project is moving along and I am also moving along with my personal Self Process, actively changing bad habits and patterns that I have identified as points to change and create into strengths to support the new project to succeed. But then what usually happens is that I will hit a stumbling block, and I will start to let up a bit on my personal work and then I will end up falling back into old destructive habits and then there is like a crash that takes place because now I fear and think I have failed and my project will never work now because who I am on a personal level is not strong enough and good enough to stand and see the Project through into Success and into its absolute Fullest Potential. And so then I crash and just give up on the project thinking I failed.

So this dimension of the interplay between my personal process and my outer process as the project I am walking is a common occurrence for me as something that I routinely face when ever I walk new projects.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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RUNNING In the Human RACE – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 774
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For the last few days I have been directing myself to Breathe, and slow myself down throughout my day. So what I have been doing is paying more attention to the tendency I have to allow myself and my mind to just kind of spiral or get worked into a frenzy through just constantly thinking as well as in my behavior just constantly jumping around from one task to the next, and in this just getting swept away in my mind, in thinking and in the experiences that are generated through thinking and acting impulsively and hastily.

I have come to accept the pace at which I move through life.

Even though I do see that this pace is actually not the pace I would like to Live at.

So during the last few days I have been supporting myself more deliberately to Breathe and Slow myself down, both within and without of myself, and so that experience inside me of feeling the need to rush or to be doing something has been more pronounced because I have been deliberately slowing myself down despite the internal dialogue such as the backchat statements

‘Its going to be too late’

‘Things are going to fall apart’

‘You have to be productive’

‘You are lazy’

‘This is terrible, you really have to get going’

As well as the urges and surges of energy all compelling me to move myself to just do something.

Now this doesn’t mean I have been nothing. It just means that I have been more selective about what I am doing making sure I am not acting impulsively or basing my actions and movements on the anxiety experience that drives me for a good portion of my week and that has been driving me for some time now in my life that I just haven’t been able to release and change about myself.

For me I have noticed that throughout my life that I have only ever managed to “slow down” for short periods of time where before long I am back to my normal pace of things which I see is more connected to and driven by anxiety, fear, restlessness and other experiences like this.

The main approach of this application that I have been walking of “slowing myself down” is consisting of firstly “Breathing”. Breathing is that reference point of where I want to be, which is ‘in the physical’ where part of my approach to slowing down, has been to focus ‘HERE’, on my physical body and to spend less time in my mind which is the location where I see I end up perpetuating and playing out my ‘rushed experience’.

An early memory that comes up where I experienced a rush of anxiety that I can relate to my experience now in my life of feeling anxious and restless and essentially rushed, is when I was around 12 years old. I remember seeing these drawings that this kid who was in a grade lower than me had done. I remember immediately thinking “those are better than mine” and in the same breath experiencing a FEAR and Anxiety pierce through me thinking that “I was a year behind” that I had to now somehow make up a year to catch up with this kid.

What I see now is that I had already defined myself a lot in relation to my art at that age, and so I felt that without having art as being something that “I was the best at” that I had nothing. So in a sense I experienced myself as not good enough because my art was not as good as his and I was struck with Anxiety and Fear which Drove me to be better instead of realizing the Equality of Life and that each Individual has something unique to them to offer and its not about being better than others, because everyone is Equally Worthy of Life. In my eyes, I felt I had nothing. I felt I had to stand out from the crowd, that just being like everyone else was a bad thing, was not good enough. Interesting that all this was already happening within me by age 12 or 13.

Its interesting how our world is set up in a way to enforce competition and everywhere you look there is divisions and categories of humans which starts even in school as every child is given a number according to how good they are doing in school where then each child is defined by this number instead of there being a focus and development on bringing through each individual Childs unique potential, done so from a foundation and understanding of Equality.

So when I look at the sort of anxiety I experience within my life today, that experience I had in that early memory has a similar signature. Of course today I am much older and I can see how along the way I may have attached and connected all sorts of other drives and motivations that fuels that experience within me throughout my day where I am just constantly feeling the need to Go Go Go. I can also understand how this may have developed initially from an experience of feeling like I am nothing, and unworthy, and not recognizing my own equally unique Value as Life.

Another dimension of this ‘Anxiety-Drive’ is Fear of Running Out of Money. So part of this process I see I must walk with Slowing myself down within myself and Living and Becoming the word ‘Calm’ and ‘Relaxed’ and ‘Stable’, is sorting out the delusions within myself with regards to this Fear of Running out of Money. What’s funny about this fear is that the word RUNNING is actually in the fear statement, which is really how I experience myself through the week where its like I feel like I am Running and Running and then I get home and crash or get to the weekend and crash. So I personally would like to change this entire playout because I realize it is not supporting me and I realize that it probably isn’t the best way for me to Direct myself, where a part of me wonders if I would be more effective if I just slowed down, instead of conjuring up all sorts of movements and actions from the starting point of worry, fear, and concern.

The main point here is that I would like to make a change in this regard with myself, and essentially shift myself out of the behaviors and mind patterns that’s all about rushing, and excitement and in a way either feeding or trying to supress this anxiety experience within me. And to rather than just supress that, to actually work with it through this process of Breathing in awareness and focusing my attention onto my physical body and physical presence throughout the day and find ways to support myself to GROUND Myself in my Self Presence instead of accepting and allowing this to be hijacked by Anxiety, restlessness, boredom, Fear, and other experiences like this which I see are contributing to my overall experience of feeling like I am constantly in a rush, jumping from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next without ever stopping and Being Here, and just Breathing and being Stable and Content within myself.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Reacting Emotionally to Work Decisions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 775
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Today was my first day back at work after taking some time off. I was somewhat tentative my first day back, moving into the day slowly and just taking my time moving into things again. So, I am not yet in the ‘full-swing’ of things. My observations about today was that I did or am wondering why I was apprehensive in terms of getting things going again after my time off and why I didn’t just dive in and get things moving with more force, certainty and directivness, but instead was more feeling things out.

I can see that there is some slight reactions within me in relation how I approached today. Before my break, I was pushing myself to work longer hours and was more just overall at a point of wanting to push things.

Overall I would prefer to have a more relaxed application with work, where I didn’t feel so strained or rushed which is how things came to eventually materialize before I took a break. So as I move back into my work application again one thing I would like to investigate, and explore is my relationship with time and money as well as feeling rushed or strained at work and basically investigating what I can do support myself to have a more balanced and stable experience when it comes to work. I am satisfied with how things are at the moment in terms of what I have to work with to support myself to continue to explore, refine, specify, correct, and create my “working-Life” relationship. Though ultimately it is simply my LIFE overall and ‘working’ is just an aspect of that.

Physically my back was quite sore after work today. Daaaaannng. Like quite sore indeed. My Job is very much a physical job and my physical well-being is important to the application and sustenance of my job so any time I have physical ailments It does have the potential to bring up some reactions such as fears and such.

So today, going to work after some time off and then having some nice back pain after work is definitely some FeedBACK in terms of now what to focus on tomorrow and consistently as I am taking on such physical work

I also had some Emotional Reactions coming up today in relation to some decisions I had to make regarding some direction with my job. That is one thing that, when it came up today, I noticed had been missing from my life since taking some time off. So this is definitely a KEY for me as a point to Support myself to Correct with my Job. Here I can practice making Decisions without getting emotional. It was interesting to have these specific emotional points come up again today. As I noticed them coming up, it was alike alarm bells going off where I was like “Heeeyyyyyy I haven’t had these types of thoughts in a while” and so realizing that these specific natured emotional reactions I have in relation to making particular decisions at work are quite specific to my job and indicating clearly an aspect of myself to Correct.

So this is actually quite cool because I am seeing this now as perhaps one of the more ‘important’ things that came from today where moving forward now I will support myself to Stabilize myself in relation to these specific emotional points that come up when facing particular decision points and projects related to my work.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Being Creative in a Marketable World – An Artist Journey To Life: Day 776
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I have spent the last 3 and half years working Full-Time as an Artist! That’s pretty cool. I have really enjoyed it and throughout that time have encountered some interesting challenges. Although I have been “making a living” doing art for the last 3.5 years, before that I spent a great deal of time creating art and have actually been developing this art career point since I decided to go to art school when I was 19 years old.

One of the greatest challenges I have faced in particular since I have been earning a living with my art is the balance between creating art that is marketable versus creating art that is truly a unique expression of myself.

Our world and money system is an interesting thing in that there is very specific rules that one must follow to ensure the success of a business. (Or at least this is what I am lead to believe) And you know, what I have found is that these rules also seem to exist in the individual as well. I have encountered this with creating art where it seems individuals are more comfortable purchasing art that is ‘safe’ I will say.

That these ‘safe’ items sell more frequently and readily where the more experimental pieces don’t seem to sell as quickly. And this also goes for apparently controversial contemporary art as well where if it doesn’t have that very recognizable essence of being or looking like contemporary art, than people are afraid to buy it who have contemporary collections.

This has been quite a dilemma for me because obviously when you spend a lot of time creating art you start noticing things about this process. I have for instance noticed that “Art” follows a lot of rule and follows the trends of today. Art today has a very specific look and feel unique to its time just as it did 100 years ago. But its strange because I also notice that this kind of limits REAL CREATIVITY which from my perspective doesn’t follow a trend or preconceived pattern which can be replicated.

But to get to the bottom of this question could be quite a story so I am not going to go into all the dimensions in this blog.

For now I am going to stick to my approach.

Basically, I start with making sure my business side of my Art Making is stable, which means that I am creating art that is creative, but also marketable. Then from there I am essentially funding my own creativity from the perspective of where and when I have enough art for sale that is more proven to sell, or money from sold art, then I can experiment a bit, and be a bit more creative with some pieces.

There is also grants and things like that you can get from the government but even with that you are catering to a specific idea of what art should look like. Essentially you are selling your art the government or at least for them to give you a grant to create art that they think is valid.

But I really question that also because our world is really in quite a state of chaos and suffering which to me does suggest that the major systems in this world and the ideas and directions they are supporting are kind of in question looking at how everything is existing right now.

So this is quite a challenge for artists today and for artists that have lived throughout time, to create truly unique individual expressions.

For me I see this as being a work in progress for myself. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever do this in my lifetime.

It takes courage to try something new, to create something that may not look like ‘art’ but that is a real expression of yourself. This especially being so with the pressures of existing in our current money system where if you don’t have money, you don’t eat.

Sometimes I wonder if people yearn for that real honest individual expression in art and would be willing to pay for that. But then, its like the pressure of money and that FEAR of not having enough money to eat or make more art enters the picture and influences what I do.

So I just do my best to find that balance, ultimately with the end goal being to create a world that allows for that Real Unique Individual Expression to come through and flourish throughout our world not just in Art but in all things and all different expressions.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Trusting Others Before Trusting Yourself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 777
https://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpres ... e-day-777/

Do you put more weight on what other people say, or are you stable enough and clear within yourself and your understanding of yourself and the world to Trust your own insights and observations?

I wanted to write about this point today both as a reminder, as well as just opening it up a bit more to clarify, and substantiate for myself.

It has to do with me trusting my own observations and insights as opposed to trusting what other people have to say.

I realize it is important to listen to others and consider their feedback and unique perspective on things, but I also see the importance in making sure that one remains grounded and clear within self where one is using another’s feedback as a cross-reference not as an authority.

I was listening to an interview from EQAFE yesterday and the interview mentioned this point with regards to trusting yourself and knowing yourself enough to not be so influenced and swayed by what other people say and do in this world. Like for instance just following trends just because others do it and say “its cool” instead of CREATING your own style based on your own Unique Self Expression. A fascinating reference point given in the interview with regards to how to support yourself in establishing this clarity and trust within yourself is to make sure that you are doing this with yourself firstly in relation to who you are in and as the mind, meaning, to practice taking DIRECTION with and for yourself in relation to your mind as a starting point for developing ones stability of self instead of just being directed and bossed around by the backchat in your head or emotional reactions that flare up within oneself.

Today I was speaking to a friend of mine and I noticed how much I was moved into emotional/fear/anxiety reactions through the conversation we were having. Some of these reactions were subtle, but escalated throughout the day where by an hour or two after the conversation I could tell what he had said affected me and I was reacting to what he was speaking about because it was contrary to the ideas that I had about certain things.

My realization was that yes its always cool to consider feedback from others, but also what I noticed was how I had completely abandon my own ideas and directions I was moving in based on the feedback I have been getting the last few years from my own reality and so I took this persons words as authority and completely devalued the feedback I had been getting from my reality that was directly related to my day to day living. So this kind of just revealed how I still haven’t established that TRUST within myself in relation to the Directions I am taking in my world and how one persons opinion can sway me or throw me off track instead of being something I can use practically to refine my own personal direction in myself and my life.

So this event today emphasized to me that I still have work to do with practicing my own SELF DIRECTION And Establishing that DEEP STABLE TRUST within and as Myself in relation to my own mind as the first place starting point where I Practice using Common Sense and Practical Insight to Direct Myself and Live in a way that is best for me rather than just following and obeying the impulses and inner talk of the mind that I have programmed into and as me throughout my life as well as through the sins of the fathers in absorbing family and cultural programming ect, where this has become me and “I” am not where to be found because “I” have not yet effectively learned to be HERE and Direct and Express ME as a Directive Principle.

So the process I am walking is learning how to DIRECT MYSELF which I see, realize, and understand Starts with Self as How I Direct me starting with Directing Myself in relation to my mind through not giving into the what the mind tells me to do or tells me who I am. Or giving in to the various emotional programmings of the mind such as depression, apathy, fear, submissiveness, that have kept me “on track” and in the TRAP of my life as routine and preference and comfort that I have patterned myself to be that is not a reflection of my best self and utmost potential.

So one word that I can redefine for myself in relation to this point is the word “Authority” So to support myself to practice living my own Authority for myself.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Driven by a Fear of Failure – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 778
https://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpres ... e-day-778/

Recently I have started to investigate within myself who I have been throughout my life and what has been driving me all these years to have lived my life the way I have and become who I have become.

In my investigations I was looking at this aspect of myself where I always wanted to become the best that I could be, and really tap into the potential that exists within me as a Life Expression.

I am still very much driven to do this however one thing that I am seeing is that this ‘Drive’ to be and become my utmost potential is actually connected with FEAR.

If I look at who I am now in my life, I see that I often feel like I am not living to my full potential, and so within me there exists both a DESIRE to be this Ultimate Self, while at the same time Absolute FEAR that I will NOT do it, and that something, or more specifically I will get in my own way and prevent myself from realizing my Full Potential in this Life-Time.

When I was younger I also noticed this inner drive within me to realize my utmost potential. But even then there was a dimension of this that was connected with competition and being the best in relation to others, instead of being MY BEST, meaning where I Live in such a way that is Unique to me where I support my individual strengths and abilities specific to ME and who I am and where I am in my life where this could in no way be the exact same as someone else and so there is really no way to compare one selves ultimate potential with another’s but rather where Each ones Ultimate Potential is Specific to them.

So what does it mean to Live MY Ultimate Potential?

So in seeing this connection I have had to FEAR in terms of Driving Myself to be the Best I can be in my life, I am now seeing that I will have to revisit this question of what it means to really live and fulfil myself into my fullest Potential and to revisit this question from a point of Stability and Stillness. I am going to now place here a definition of the word “Freedom” that I see as a cool starting point for re-looking at this question for myself

“Freedom – moments that you have with yourself by taking a breath, slowing down and becoming still. In so doing you give yourself the gift of being able to look, reflect, direct and move with self awareness; ensuring that you have the freedom to make a decision without fear and accept the consequences of your thoughts, words and deeds. Trusting that whatever comes, whatever will be: I am here.” – School of Ultimate Living

So moving forward I am going to assist and support myself to remove FEAR out of the equation of what is motivating and driving me in attempting to become my utmost potential as I see that it doesn’t support in me being able to See Clearly and Direct myself in Awareness of Myself within this endeavor which is probably why after all these years, this Fear and Desire in relation to this point is still existing within me.

Till next time.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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Realizing What it Means Live With Purpose and Passion – An Artist Journey To Life – Day: 779
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For all of my life I have had a Purpose. But what I am starting to realize about myself is that although I have had ‘A’ Purpose, I have not had Purpose, meaning my purpose was always something outside of myself that I could dedicate myself too. When I was young I dedicated myself to athletics, when I got older and still now today I dedicated myself to my art, but what I am realizing is that having ‘a point’ to dedicate oneself too does not mean one has Purpose. Let me explain.

I have been living with my partner now for over and year and we have been together in our relationship/agreement for around 3 years. One topic often comes up between us is the difference between ourselves, particularly related to the point of “Purpose” or “Having a Purpose” or more specifically, how in my life, I have always had “a point” with my art, where she never really had that “one thing” that she did where instead she just kind of did many different things.

From a really young age I began doing art and found I really liked doing art, and so I continued doing this throughout my life. I went to art school, and I decided I wanted to do art as a living. It wasn’t like I ended up in my 30’s or even 20’s not knowing what I wanted to do or not yet having found something I enjoyed doing and was satisfied to make my Purpose in Life so to speak, with me I always had Art for this.

But with my Partner, and also so many others in this world, they are the opposite side of the coin, with my partner she never had that, I always wondered what that would be like if I didn’t have my art to focus on and dedicate myself to, as something to develop and refine. I always thought my life would be boring with out it, I thought that my partner must get bored “not having a point”

But over the past couple months an interesting realization has emerged within me in observing myself in my life and observing my partner in her life.

With myself, what I have noticed is that yes, even though I had or have A Purpose as that point of Art to dedicate myself to, I found that I was really struggling to find Passion within it. It more just became something I did, and within myself there was no real passion or drive or Purpose within me in relation to how I was walking this point of Art in my life.

I would come home from work and just go sit on the couch. I didn’t want to get off the couch, it was comfortable. I became more enthralled in watching hockey and analyzing hockey statistics, than I could be enthralled with my own Purpose in doing art. I was more excited about the lives of people I watched on tv series and didn’t really have excitement about my own life. Doing art became such a labor, and man I tried, I tried to get myself enthused to do it. Enthused to get up each morning and live this purpose that I have been dedicated to as a child, and A part of me really wanted to be enthralled, excited, motivated, inspired, but I just couldn’t develop it within myself. I ended up in an experience of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and this was going on for a while, where I noticed I dreaded getting up in the mornings, and I couldn’t wait for weekends when I could just sleep and not have to worry about getting up. And then when it was time to get up, I would do it and then just lounge around and kind of just entertain and distract myself through the day until it was time for bed again, and I would never really do much art or really do anything outside of the basic expression I have developed to sustain me financially. I was quite conflicted because here I am, and having this point of Art as a Purpose and apparent Passion of mine to explore and develop within myself and my life where some people don’t even have a point at all, but I just couldn’t get motived to do it! What I am seeing is that I mis-interpreted the point of purpose, thinking that it had something to do with having this one singular long-time point of art that I have had and done throughout my life, but that I am now seeing is not really what it means to have a purpose or passion for life.

Now for the last few months I couldn’t help but notice my partners expression and I noticed that she started developing this pattern of getting up in the mornings quite early. Even on days off she would be up early. I thought this was quite cool. At the same time she had also started moving herself to develop some discipline and consistency in other areas and parts of her life that she saw she wanted to do to support herself and develop herself. Again I thought this was cool.

After a while of observing her moving herself in these applications, this point came up within me something along the lines like: “ Boy for someone like me who is suppose to “have a point” or “Have a Purpose” compared to someone like my partner who “doesn’t really have a point” She actually seems more like the one who is living her life with Passion and Purpose”

Now this really struck me. Because in observing her I saw a Dimension that I did not really grasp before about what it means to Live with Purpose.

My Realization is that Purpose has nothing to do with ‘What You Do’ and everything to do with YOU and How you LIVE PURPOSE AS YOURSELF where Purpose and Passion is something you Embody and Develop from Within, not matter what you do or where you are in your Life, it simply begins with a decision within yourself to Live and Develop Passion and Purpose as yourself in your Living.

For some time now I have equated finding purpose and passion to my art and how I develop and move myself in that point. But then I also see here how in doing that I am leaving out a large portion of my life when I am not doing art.

So in observing my partner recently I really starting seeing this dimension of what It means to Live Purpose and Passion. Essentially I am realizing that Purpose is NOT conditional. And that it must come from YOU. Meaning for instance if I want to be Motivated to Wake up each morning with Passion and Purpose, than I am going to have to do that for myself by Waking Up each morning and getting my ass out of bed. Why? Because og Deliberately developing that point FOR MYSELF of Waking up with Purpose and Passion in the morning like I have been wanting.

Also in looking at Purpose and Passion in this way of it being IN and AS Self, I started to then see that if I actually Lived with Purpose and Passion and Direction than this would translate into ALL things and ALL parts of my life. So I have to start Living Purpose and Passion within Myself First in relation to Who I am and how I live in each moment, then naturally it would translate into my art expression also.

So now I am in the process and will walk this process for myself of realizing that Having Purpose and Passion begins within ME and is to be Developed within and as myself in each moment And in a way It has nothing to do with my art, though I see I can extend it into my art application but fundamentally the essence of it must start with and exist within ME and how I am Living in Each Moment and Each Breath.

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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

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My INNER Standing Rock – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 780
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My Standing Rock

The protests in Standing Rock have been making the news a lot lately. I thought it would be interesting to do some Self Reflection on this point and bring the events of Standing Rock “Back to Self”

That is why I called this blog “My Standing Rock” because here I will investigate the nature of what is going on in Standing Rock and then look within myself to see where and how I am existing within myself within the same nature as the events happening in Standing Rock.

What I have noticed about this world is that there is a lot of protests happening all over the place for various things, though I also noticed that one point that is being missed often is that the very thing that is being protested is actually something that the protesters themselves participate within and exist as, yet they go out marching in protest of such things and forget that they also participate in the very same things.

So lets look at Standing Rock.

It’s a Native Reserve and they are protesting because there is a pipeline being built underground very close the river and they are wanting to stop the pipeline to ensure the protection of the water source that could be affected if there were ever to be a leak in the pipeline. I mean that is very basics of what is going on.

So the question for me is, is there a part of myself that I segregate inside myself and essentially trample over in the process of feeding another part of myself.

I see I do this with certain parts of my life, where I cater more to my strengths and sometimes neglect my weaknesses instead of making sure that I develop all essential parts of my self equally to become a well rounded individual.

Interestingly the first thing though that came up for me was “my body”. My Body is the part of me that I actually neglect and ignore while in the process of striving to feed another part of myself – My Mind feeding the indulgences, desires, and interests of what is going on in my mind.

I am certain I have laid many pipelines within myself to streamline the experience of my mind while in the meantime forgetting about the affects this has on my physical body. For more information about how this works, I suggest to investigate The School of Ultimate Living (SOUL) to understand this mind-body-relationship.

Now the whole point of protesting is interesting. I find for me I go into Protesting instead of taking action. Like Protesting happens only after its already too late. So its like a façade and actually behind the Protesting there is actually Procrastination as the multiple actions in the past NOT taken to change the situation where now when the consequence starts manifesting, one goes into protesting.

I noticed I do this with my art sometimes where I end up in experiences of frustration where it feels like “I don’t have any time to do any art” and I get frustrated because of being busy and not having enough extra time to develop my art which I have been wanting to do, and then I will Protest, like going into emotions and frustrations and blame, though, if I am Self Honest, I see that I could have actually done something earlier, and directed myself to create art in moments where I did have the time, and that my protests are only covering up the fact that I didn’t direct myself earlier.

That is one aspect at least. So here I see that one Solution for my situation to avoid protesting is to take action now, within the realization that if I do nothing, then I risk ending up in a situation where I did nothing but wish I had done something. Another dimension of this Solution is that when I see myself going into an Inner Protest to realize that this is a Red-Flag and indicating that I must now look back at my life and look at where I didn’t move myself when I could have and then the move myself to correct myself so that I do not allow it happen again.

Protests are in a way a point of Disempowerment actually, and so the point is to move from Disempowerment into Self Responsibility through where instead of going into protesting, one rather take the opportunity to Stand in Self Responsibility, realizing that I am Responsible and look back and see where Self Could Have Done Something Different or acted differently to not have participated in creating the consequences in ones life and then Directing Self to Change so as to not do it again.

So here I am speaking directly about how I experience and see PROTESTING taking place within ME.

I am not really here to say if the Standing Rock Protests are right or wrong, I am more investigating how I can support myself to live more effectively within the context of creating a world that is Best for ALL, and so part of this process is Bringing All points back to SELF and Seeing this world as a Reflection of who we are on the inside and then working to change how we personally function within ourselves like in the case above where I talked about my inner experience of protesting and how to change this to Self Responsibility.

So those are some Self Reflections on the Standing Rock Situation.

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