Day 583 - Not Wanting to Be Here with Myself Con't
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With the process of being here with myself, specifically during work, I have been applying a point of not allowing myself to become bored or go into these points of simply not wanting to work and rather be somewhere else. How I have been applying this point is by allowing myself to be here with my hands while I'm working, meaning giving myself that physical awareness that I was not giving myself previously as I was placing myself within projections and thinking about being elsewhere and/or doing something else that I would prefer to be doing. My application within it is far from perfect at the moment, I mean I did it well for one day and then the day after that I allowed myself to go back into the mind and I did lose that awareness because, well from what I can tell, I allowed myself to define the day as a `Friday` which means that I had and have a day off after I'm done the shift at work and would like to go into that experience of having the day off rather than being at work for the remainder of the shift duration.
So, what I want to further apply within this point of maintaining physical awareness and being here with myself is this point of letting go of this excitement for the day off because within that point of excitement resides the point of self interest, the points that I would prefer to be doing rather than working, so like bringing myself back to a point of grounding rather than allowing myself to go into the mind into that point of excitement - you know like understanding that the day off is simply going to be another day where I am here on this Earth walking this life lol, like truly there is no real reason to be excited other than to simply have time off of work but within this point of becoming excited to not have to work within a day comes this point of personal preference, when in reality the physical remains the same yet the perception of having the time off changes the experience of self within the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into an experience of myself within having time off work, allowing myself to go into this state of excitement at the idea of having time off work and time to `myself` where I can do the things that I want to do, and within this experience separate myself from myself within the physical reality and separate myself from the physical reality as a whole
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this experience of myself while at work where I feel that it is a drag or that I am bored within work and within this allow this experience to direct me to go into projections and imaginations where I start to place myself outside of myself and into the mind, and within this not give myself direction within the physical reality but give my direction and my power up to the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of excitement at the prospect of having time off and doing what I want to do, allowing myself to imagine the things that I want to do or am going to do and within this point separate myself from the physical reality and my physical awareness and self direction via allowing myself to participate within that excitement and within those projections
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that the physical reality is basically the same each day - sure things to do change each day but the overall being here is the same, there are different things to do and different things to work on but nonetheless as I allow myself to be here within the physical body and within awareness the point of being here remains the same - the only point that things change is when/as I allow myself to go into energy and create an excitement or create a point of melancholy in relation to work
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to establish this point of physical awareness within my day, wherein I am here with myself feeling the body, feeling my hands, maintaining an awareness of breathing and giving myself direction and not allowing myself to become distracted but being directive of myself, meaning to bring myself here with myself, aware of the body and aware of what I am doing, moving myself within the physical reality and not allowing myself to get lost within the mind or lost within a form of entertainment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with myself and reality where I would prefer to escape reality than to be here with myself within reality and face myself and reality in an equal stance, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forego my responsibility in this reality to direct myself and be here within this reality as a being on this Earth,
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that when/as I allow myself to go into the mind and attempt to escape reality when I am at work and bring up this point of entertainment within the mind and start thinking about being somewhere else or start entertaining myself within the mind to escape reality, that I am not being honest with myself in relation to what I am actually experiencing within myself in relation to work and thus, in a way, suppressing myself via going into that experience of entertainment within the mind
When/as I see myself starting to become bored or distraught with work and I am going into the mind with a specific type of energy, of like not wanting to work simply because it is work or simply because I do not want to be there at the moment, I commit myself to flag this despair at being at work and realise that what I am doing is separating myself from myself within the physical reality and separating myself from my beingness, and so I also commit myself to relax within myself and breathe and bring myself back to awareness of my hands within work and make that decision within myself to move myself within work rather than deliberately moving slower in relation to hoping to bypass time because I realise that as I go into this state within the mind it creates a heaviness within the body and makes moving and the bodily processes difficult and it only does make time seem longer, so within this I also commit myself to breathe and move my body at a comfortable pace within work and not deliberately slack off but to rather breathe and move myself within the pace of the breath and what the body is actually capable within that moment
When/as I see myself becoming lazy here at home and wanting to entertain myself with movies or series I take a step back from the movie or series and bring myself back here in breath and awareness of myself, realising that if I allow myself to go into that energy of wanting to escape reality and give up my movement that, for one, I am not going to be satisfied with myself going into that resistance to being here with myself, and that I am giving up my movement and my awareness of myself and suppressing that ability to move and direct myself here in the physical reality
Ok so in this process what I will be applying, specifically within work, is to make sure that I am here with my hands while at work, feeling the cases that I am working with and being aware of what and how the body is moving/going through and do this, starting on the drive to work - feeling the steering wheel as I move and direct the care and within this move and direct myself within the physical reality. So at work is where I am going to be applying this point the most because at work is where/how I see it originating from, like wanting to escape work and escape myself at work then leads to this pattern coming up while I am at home on the days off.