Paul's Journey to Life

Place your Blogs Here
User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 22 Oct 2015, 05:34

Day 580 - Survival Within Groups

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... roups.html

I have been watching this show called naked and afraid which is about these 12 individuals who attempt to survive within the jungles of Colombia for 40 days without clothing. Since this is a reality show they always have this moment where they speak directly into the camera sharing themselves within what they are experiencing within a specific moment and I have been noticing a peculiar point coming up within me. As they are talking into the camera within the `share yourself` scene they share themselves within a specific way, in an honest way, like you can see their expression quite easily when they are in front of that camera, and then when the scene changes to them within a group their entire expression changes as well, like they are not as direct with themselves as they are when in front of the `share yourself` scene, and they present these types of characters and personalities in which they embody as a point of relation to their partners or team members for the survival.

So I have been noticing this point coming up within me of asking and questioning why they need to hide themselves so much around the other people and why can't they be as direct and honest with the other people as they are within themselves.

This point is not about the other people but about myself as I am basically questioning myself within the same dynamics. Like I often find myself embodying personalities and personas in order to, lol, survive within the social system, you know like not allowing myself to be as direct with them as I am with myself and not allowing myself to express myself within this state of comfort and `naturalness` as I do with myself. So what I have been looking at within myself is this point of fear and survival in relation to the social system, which is quite a cool point because within the show the most difficult point that opened up within the survival system were the dynamics between the people and between the groups wherein they could not express themselves within a point of comfort and honesty with themselves or with other people to come to a conclusion of living within a point that is best for all - there were always like these fears of hurting other people's feeling and holding themselves back out of fear of creating conflict of things like that, and for the most part, I have found the exact same structure within myself; meaning not allowing myself to express myself within this point of comfort within the reality around me because of this point of fear of the social structure and the fear of hurting other people's feeling or a fear of creating conflict and thus I suppress and hold myself back when communicating with the people around me.

This point of fearing conflict has existed within me for quite some time and it has been a point that I have been suppressing myself within and not allowing myself to express myself within a point of comfort, and for the most part I have gone into such a point of suppression that I then cut myself off from the relationships because I `felt` as if I could not be myself within the dynamics of the group and have thus then been a person who has preferred time with myself and have been anti-social because, primarily, I have not been true to myself around others. The fear of conflict and the fear of expressing what is going on within myself has been a point that I have allowed within myself to hold myself back within expression, and thus have not allowed myself to be honest with myself while around other people = dawning these masks of personalities in order to fit in to survive rather than to express myself in honesty with myself.

Within the next blog I am going to look further into this point, you know, like start giving myself more awareness of when I am in those moments of suppression when in groups and when I am hiding myself or fearing things coming up, so that I can gather more material to this point and then apply Self forgiveness accordingly.



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 15 Nov 2015, 07:20

Within my previous blog I was looking at who I am within groups and the point of survival interlaced within our actions to the extent that we cannot truly express ourselves, or rather hold our true expression back from other people because of that dynamic of fear that persuades us to behave and act a certain way; a way that we see fit to please other people within the group that we live within and to not cause conflict - this usually rising to an extent that we've suppressed ourselves so much that we build up this emotional point within ourselves and `break down` or lash out on people rather than simply expressing the point within the first place, and this is something that I have done within my life for the most part, save for the lashing out part. Instead of allowing myself to lash out within the suppression I have commonly just ended the relationship previously, so that I would not need to deal with the suppression or deal with the person or myself within the suppression, you know, because I would not allow myself to express myself within the points that were bothering me. This is what I started to do here in this household with my roommates, and I do see how it does lead to this point of lashing out and like creating a rift within relationships - it is simply the point of not expressing it and then having all that suppressed expression come forth within one moment and thus creating conflict rather than addressing the point immediately and without reaction.

So within the past few weeks of noticing this point and working on this point I have started to become more vocal with addressing the issues that were bugging me, primarily the condition of the cleanliness of the kitchen. Previously I would just allow them to do their thing, create messes and clean up when it suits then, but all the while I would suppress that point of wanting the kitchen to be clean and wanting a nice place to cook and to not have to deal with other people's dishes in my way when I would want to cook, and within this point of suppression I would allow myself to then create judgments and create this internal friction within myself and the other person because I wanted those things to be noticed and addressed without me saying anything, which doesn't work at all, because they are simply going to continue with their habits, because they are none the wiser to the internal friction that I am creating within myself. This suppression is due to the fear of survival - so like when I would have this point come up within myself, when I would like the kitchen to be clean I would go into this fear of conflict within myself, fear of saying something in the `wrong` way because I was reacting within myself in those moments and basically not trust myself to direct the point without the reaction, and then the point of suppression comes up soon thereafter.

What I have been working on in the past week is allowing myself to express this point without the fear, without the fear of making someone angry or the fear of feelings becoming hurt or ego becoming hurt because, I mean that is simply the projection of myself into another person, and so like when there has been dishes left out for a few days or something like that that still have yet to be clean or dishes strewn around the kitchen…I am bad for this as well with a lot of coffee cups being left around, I have allowed myself to address it immediately without the point of fear of conflict coming up, meaning that when there is that dish there and the dude who is responsible is within immediate proximity I simply shout out to him to if he is right there in front of me to simply say it to him immediately, like these pots have been here for 3 days now, just get to them already, and for the most part it has been working, and also what I have noticed is that the `break` in the relationship is less as well, meaning that since I do not hold it within myself against the person and let it out immediately then there are no reactions held against that person. Like there was a pumpkin that was left out for like a month and a half and it was becoming quite rotten and the other roommate and I were talking about the pumpkin with the dude responsible for it and he said that her was going to take care of it soon, but it didn’t happen - so when we was outside right by the pumpkin I simply pointed at it and it was dealt with after that, so there were like 2 ways that I could have approached that and the one would be suppressing that point and allowing irritation to build up and/or anger build up within myself as I expect him to deal with it himself without being asked to, or to simply direct it within the moment that I did.

I do see that there are a few more points for me to work on within this point because I do see that there is a subtle point of irritation coming up within myself when looking at these points, and I see that it is in relation to the point of expectation that they will handle it themselves and expecting them to do so, which isn't always going to happen - some people need to be directed within a particular point and/or reminded of a particular point, just like everyone within process - if other people weren't there giving us perspectives and help on particular points then we may not see some things or give ourselves that push to change the point, so I will look at this point in the coming weeks, changing this point of reaction of expectation into a point of support for another person in a point of showing a person the point….and within this making sure that I am absolutely clear within the point of direction.



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 05 Dec 2015, 11:48

Day 582 - Not Wanting to be Here with Myself

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... -with.html

I have been going into this pattern at work where I have not been wanting to accept the situation that I am in or the time that it takes to get through work. For the start of work I am fine with working and expressing myself within the job and then after a while, like when it hits the 8 hour mark I start to think about being elsewhere and thus not wanting to continue with working yet I still have to. When this point comes around I start to become antsy and discontent with myself within work…it doesn't always need to be work, it can be anything really for an extended amount of time, so when this discontent and restlessness starts to come into myself I then go into my mind to create a point of entertainment for myself so that I can bypass the time in a way in which makes me feel pleasant with the situation that I am in. From this point though I obviously separate myself from myself here within the task and give away my awareness and give away my physical presence because I do not want to be physically present.

I see points of allowing myself to get lost within the mind, and allowing myself to become bored and allowing myself to become directed by the mind to exist within this construct of myself. I mean the point here is quite simple, it is simply a point of breathing and bringing myself back here and accepting the situation for what it is and breathing and stabilising myself within the mind and giving myself back my awareness.

So the point that will assist me the most is not allowing myself to go into that state of not wanting to be here within time; not allowing myself to go into the mind and think about being somewhere else and accept the situation for what it is, be here within the body, forgive any emotions or reactions coming up to being within the place and then bring myself back to breathing. Like for instance I was in the hospital yesterday waiting to get checked up and overall it took me about 8 hours to get through the whole process and during the 8 hours is a lot of waiting time. I was becoming quite discontent with waiting, I started to feel quite bored and was thinking about going back home and eating something and so each time I was thinking about being elsewhere and I would bring myself back here there was frustration coming up with having to wait longer. I was finding it a bit difficult to bring myself back here with myself because there was nothing to `occupy` myself, nothing to do, nothing to focus on other than time and waiting. Although, within this I see that as I bring myself back here all I needed to do was breathe and be aware, like I was looking for something to distract me from myself within the point of waiting, so within this I simply did not want to be here with myself within a point of contentment at just being with myself and with the surroundings.

The solution here is to allow myself to bring myself back to that point of just being, like not needing any distractions or anything to keep my attention but to simply be and breathe and allow myself to be content here within the body and with myself. I mean this is a point that I have been looking changing for a while, this point of looking for a point of entertainment or amusement while I do something else, like something to keep my attention off of myself rather than to simply be here with myself breathing. I see that correcting the relationships with myself in regards to not feeling comfortable within the body and wanting to move quickly through situations or just get things done so I can go and do what I would rather be doing to be assisting as I walk this point of not wanting to be here with myself when I am doing something that I do not want to do. But also to simply just accept the things that I do not want to do…I mean here within this point of `not wanting to` do something there is a point of personality and preference and also a point of self-interest. I am creating my own point of discontent via allowing self-interest to direct me within these situations, when, in reality, staying within the hospital and continuing to work should be a point of self-interest because those points support myself within life.

Within this series I will be again walking this point of self interest and correcting my relationship to self interest and apply self forgiveness on the points of not wanting to be within particular situations or environments, and stabilise myself within this point of not wanting to do things or be in certain environments and apply this within work wherein I become stable within work and simply be here within work without wanting to be elsewhere.



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 13 Dec 2015, 05:58

Day 583 - Not Wanting to Be Here with Myself Con't

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... -with.html

With the process of being here with myself, specifically during work, I have been applying a point of not allowing myself to become bored or go into these points of simply not wanting to work and rather be somewhere else. How I have been applying this point is by allowing myself to be here with my hands while I'm working, meaning giving myself that physical awareness that I was not giving myself previously as I was placing myself within projections and thinking about being elsewhere and/or doing something else that I would prefer to be doing. My application within it is far from perfect at the moment, I mean I did it well for one day and then the day after that I allowed myself to go back into the mind and I did lose that awareness because, well from what I can tell, I allowed myself to define the day as a `Friday` which means that I had and have a day off after I'm done the shift at work and would like to go into that experience of having the day off rather than being at work for the remainder of the shift duration.

So, what I want to further apply within this point of maintaining physical awareness and being here with myself is this point of letting go of this excitement for the day off because within that point of excitement resides the point of self interest, the points that I would prefer to be doing rather than working, so like bringing myself back to a point of grounding rather than allowing myself to go into the mind into that point of excitement - you know like understanding that the day off is simply going to be another day where I am here on this Earth walking this life lol, like truly there is no real reason to be excited other than to simply have time off of work but within this point of becoming excited to not have to work within a day comes this point of personal preference, when in reality the physical remains the same yet the perception of having the time off changes the experience of self within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into an experience of myself within having time off work, allowing myself to go into this state of excitement at the idea of having time off work and time to `myself` where I can do the things that I want to do, and within this experience separate myself from myself within the physical reality and separate myself from the physical reality as a whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this experience of myself while at work where I feel that it is a drag or that I am bored within work and within this allow this experience to direct me to go into projections and imaginations where I start to place myself outside of myself and into the mind, and within this not give myself direction within the physical reality but give my direction and my power up to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of excitement at the prospect of having time off and doing what I want to do, allowing myself to imagine the things that I want to do or am going to do and within this point separate myself from the physical reality and my physical awareness and self direction via allowing myself to participate within that excitement and within those projections

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that the physical reality is basically the same each day - sure things to do change each day but the overall being here is the same, there are different things to do and different things to work on but nonetheless as I allow myself to be here within the physical body and within awareness the point of being here remains the same - the only point that things change is when/as I allow myself to go into energy and create an excitement or create a point of melancholy in relation to work

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to establish this point of physical awareness within my day, wherein I am here with myself feeling the body, feeling my hands, maintaining an awareness of breathing and giving myself direction and not allowing myself to become distracted but being directive of myself, meaning to bring myself here with myself, aware of the body and aware of what I am doing, moving myself within the physical reality and not allowing myself to get lost within the mind or lost within a form of entertainment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with myself and reality where I would prefer to escape reality than to be here with myself within reality and face myself and reality in an equal stance, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forego my responsibility in this reality to direct myself and be here within this reality as a being on this Earth,

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that when/as I allow myself to go into the mind and attempt to escape reality when I am at work and bring up this point of entertainment within the mind and start thinking about being somewhere else or start entertaining myself within the mind to escape reality, that I am not being honest with myself in relation to what I am actually experiencing within myself in relation to work and thus, in a way, suppressing myself via going into that experience of entertainment within the mind

When/as I see myself starting to become bored or distraught with work and I am going into the mind with a specific type of energy, of like not wanting to work simply because it is work or simply because I do not want to be there at the moment, I commit myself to flag this despair at being at work and realise that what I am doing is separating myself from myself within the physical reality and separating myself from my beingness, and so I also commit myself to relax within myself and breathe and bring myself back to awareness of my hands within work and make that decision within myself to move myself within work rather than deliberately moving slower in relation to hoping to bypass time because I realise that as I go into this state within the mind it creates a heaviness within the body and makes moving and the bodily processes difficult and it only does make time seem longer, so within this I also commit myself to breathe and move my body at a comfortable pace within work and not deliberately slack off but to rather breathe and move myself within the pace of the breath and what the body is actually capable within that moment

When/as I see myself becoming lazy here at home and wanting to entertain myself with movies or series I take a step back from the movie or series and bring myself back here in breath and awareness of myself, realising that if I allow myself to go into that energy of wanting to escape reality and give up my movement that, for one, I am not going to be satisfied with myself going into that resistance to being here with myself, and that I am giving up my movement and my awareness of myself and suppressing that ability to move and direct myself here in the physical reality

Ok so in this process what I will be applying, specifically within work, is to make sure that I am here with my hands while at work, feeling the cases that I am working with and being aware of what and how the body is moving/going through and do this, starting on the drive to work - feeling the steering wheel as I move and direct the care and within this move and direct myself within the physical reality. So at work is where I am going to be applying this point the most because at work is where/how I see it originating from, like wanting to escape work and escape myself at work then leads to this pattern coming up while I am at home on the days off.



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 31 Mar 2016, 01:39

Day 587 - The Resistance

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... tance.html

There is still a lot of resistance that exists within me resistance to writing, resistance to letting go of self interest and resistance to letting go of myself basically and allowing myself to simply be here without desire and without internal movement and basically a resistance to being aware of what is here, within me and within the outer world as well.

I realise that I do not need to go into this resistance, yet the thing that holds me back is the memories of myself within resistance and like constantly forcing myself to move myself because it is the 'right' thing to do; and this relates to the point of having duty within work and within moving myself within the physical. The belief that is is my duty and that is why I experience the resistance when moving in writing or moving within the mind construct or simply moving within dishes or within properly feeding myself. It all seems like this point of duty and the thing that I need to do because it is the right thing to do. So within this in haven't realised the simple point of putting in work or working. I have not yet realised what work in the physical is not have I understood myself within it. Like I haven't understood what movement means without that sense of duty or within that external force that then drives me to put in work. Lol and I really don't know where to start within understanding that point you know. It is like if I move myself within the physical in and from a sense of work then comes the duty and the belief and experience of it being a duty rather than a self expression, it's kind of like a catch 22 here where the point in which I aim to understand (work) also triggers the point that is causing the problem, and moving myself within understanding the problem then breeds the ground for the problem to exist. So I reiterate the point here that I have not realised myself within work and who I am within work or putting in effort within the physical reality.

At the moment there is less resistance because I want to write this out as an expression and as an understanding of myself. Yet there still runs in the background that sense of duty or doing what is right which then causes this point of almost stress. The writing at the moment is an expression of myself because well it is for no one other than myself although I may post it later, and it is an expression of myself because I have been looking at the point of resistance as I was watching the movie and questioning how it functions and how I am allowing myself to go into the resistance which then brings me back to the points that I started with, self interest, self awareness and letting go of myself.

As I've been walking this point of resistance I have always fallen when/as I have aimed to write about the point of resistance and tackle it. I also see that I have been quite hard on myself when approaching this point of resistance; not giving myself a moment of rest out of the fear that if I rest for a moment I will go right back into the resistance. Like if I sit and eat and watch something then I will end up giving into thoughts of enjoying sitting on the couch and doing nothing. So I guess this comes down to the simple point of just moving myself within a moment. Although, I also must live words of being gentle and considerate of myself, not pushing myself with force or rushing but with an understanding that I do actually enjoy moving myself and being productive within a day but I also need to let go of self interest or a point of reward at the end of the task. So this is, once again, the start of the process of walking this point of resistance and all that exists within this point of resistance, because I am unhappy with the lack of movement and dissatisfied with allowing things to slide only to get back up and put them in place again within myself and repeating the process ad nauseum.

In talking to someone about this point, it is laughable at how much of a perception and belief that I have created around this point, because the solution is simple. Please myself. Stop that which I am doing with myself and with time in which I am displeased about and make a proper change to those points within myself so that I create this point of satisfaction and pleasure being here with myself in this world. I mean I have created so many external points to place blame on, and thus I have been abdicating my responsibility for creating this distress and displeasure within myself. So it is quite simple really, work on moving myself within the points that I am dissatisfied with and slow myself down a lot more to see when I am going into the pattern where I know in the end I will be dissatisfied with myself.

This point ties into the previous blog because within the point of defeatism the resistance that I've gone into has been the core point within/as the point of defeatism = believing that I cannot change this point or that I am only going to struggle further with this point. So I will be continuing to take a look at this point, again, and writing forgiveness on this point in relation to the thoughts that exist and the feelings and experiences that exist within the point of self interest and within the resistance as well.



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 06 Apr 2016, 11:56

Day 588 - The Resistance Part 2

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... art-2.html

Resistance still comes up quite often and, as I wrote in the previous blog, it is hard, or I make it hard on myself to get myself out of the resistance due to energetical experiences of self interest and of bringing myself back down to earth. It's like I enjoy this experience of comfort of being a couch potato and I cringe at the thought of giving it up for a moment to bring myself back here and give myself a task or work on something. What this is showing me is that there is still a resistance towards facing myself and also walking the physical process points that are applicable to me within process at the moment, like I am still going into energy quite often and not wanting to let that experience of energy go to then tackle the physical process points that need to be addressed within my life at the moment.

Like now, I have been watching a series and there is that energy running around within myself of feeling comfortable within allowing myself to just watch the show and do nothing else because it is something that is `easy` for me to get lost in and, well, in doing so I have been losing myself. Meaning I have not been giving myself the insight needed to really be introspective of myself and thus I have been `losing` myself within this point of resistance. I have been finding that I have not had much to say about myself or about life with other people than the basics, like the point of understanding this world and understanding myself has been blown away in the wind as I've participated in this point of resistance.

In letting go of judgments and letting go of being hard on myself to desire to change this point, like desiring to change this point yet not putting in the effort to understand what is actually going on within myself, I see that I have allowed this point of comfort to take reign in my life. Regardless it is still this point of resistance, resistance and reluctance to letting go of the experience of myself within the point of comfort to tackle a physical point, and I have been resisting to letting go of this point of comfort and taking that first step to move past the experience of myself within comfort and face these points of change.

There has been a lot of anger that has come up within myself in relation to this point in the last few weeks and it has only been a point of distraction from understanding it and from working with it, I mean the anger is a point of emotional manipulation because all I am doing is getting angry at the point and making no movement or change within the point of resistance and the point of letting go of the experience of myself within comfort, so it is only a distraction from myself to keep myself from actually changing the point of even introspecting to a point of understanding what is actually going on within me.

Letting go of this point of comfort is something that I have clearly struggled with throughout process. It is something that I realise is a large construct within the unconscious mind and within my process of being hard on myself and beating up on myself each time that I've gone into it I have only accelerated the problem because I have not been being gentle or caring of myself within the point, and thus within being hard, and due to the other constructs that exist within me regarding control and dominance = as I try and dominate myself within being hard on myself I only resist further and create more problems for myself within the point.

I will continue with the process and be looking at living the point of gentleness and care and consideration for myself within the words that I live and continue to look at this point of resistance within myself.



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 14 Apr 2016, 04:15

Day 589 - Resistance to Applying Myself

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... yself.html

I have been approaching the point of resistance in the past few weeks and there are points that I do resist that are easy to move through and do and then there are other points of resistance which are more of a struggle for me and these points are within applying myself. So there are things like dishes or cleaning which I have been resisting that are easy to apply and get done and then there are points of things such as writing down my readings and keeping track of the management of myself within diabetes. This point came up when I was talking with another person regarding a pattern of high blood sugars in the morning and they were related to the point of resistance and what the body goes through when in this point of resistance, like the sluggishness which then creates a slow movement of the processes of the body which then heightens the blood sugar over night - and at that time I was still resisting a lot of things. So recently this point happened where I woke up with quite a high blood sugar reading and I was in this point of resisting some things and not resisting others and the point that tested out to be the cause of the high blood sugar was resisting writing down the blood sugar readings for the day when/as I was not resisting other things, like I did dishes and I worked on other responsibilities and so it made me question wtf was going on.

The point of recording the blood sugar readings is a point of applying myself and a point of taking care of myself and basically keeping track of myself so that I can apply myself and see patterns within myself to then correct to then give myself better care and a better life for myself. That is a point that I was resisting on the night before the morning of the high blood sugar and that is the point that I have been looking at recently. Where in my life am I lacking this point of applying myself, and how I am lacking or resisting applying myself.

I have found that it comes up in many instances, like the resistance to sit down with myself and write out a point and to apply self forgiveness on a point, which is the point of keeping track of myself and managing the patterns so that I can correct myself and see where/how to correct myself or to apply myself within a bit of creativity to see an opportunity to correct myself. So I have been looking at this point lately and looking at the solution to it. I mean writing down the blood sugar readings is quite easy, I only need to take a moment out of my time after work and go through the metre and write them down, and I have also been looking at this point of applying myself in regards to not allowing things to pile up and become a large task to do when/as it reaches its limit and to where I cannot `stand` it any longer. A perfect example of this is dishes. I eat a bowl of cereal a few times a week in the mornings before work and what I have done is to just leave the bowl on the table and leave for work and then the cereal dries up and sticks to the bowl which then makes it more difficult to clean later on. This is a point of allowing things to accumulate rather than managing the dishes or points as they come up, and it was a point of resistance that is creating this. Like I just wanted to leave things and go to work and also when I get home - to make food and then shower and go to sleep when all it takes is a little moment out of my time to wash or even rinse the dishes. So that is what I have been applying as I've been finding this point in a few areas of my life

Keeping `on top` of things is a lot nicer because there isn't an overwhelming experience of so much to do on the days that I have off and I can thus then get to more stuff because the things aren't piling up. This point also applies to other points within my life, like pertaining to emotions - there have been points that I have not been directing or applying myself within at work, so rather than allowing the point to accumulate recently I have been applying forgiveness at work and allowing myself to take the time within myself to process and look for solutions.

So, This is another point of resistance that I have been facing and another point that has contributed to an accumulation of other points that have been growing. It is still only in the beginning stages because the high blood sugar trigger happened recently, but I can see where and how I have given into this point of resistance and how, through small contributions managing the points to gather introspection and gather little bits of information as I look at it to then come up with a solution or correction is not that hard, it only takes that one decision or moment to `get back on top of things`



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 07 May 2016, 22:43

Day 590 - A Moment of Resistance

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... tance.html

Today the point of resistance and self judgement came up again. It wasn't from like a point of just waiting around and going into resistance but it came from physical points. I had things that I wanted to do, like cleaning and basically organising the apartment a bit more, but I was feeling tired because I didn't get much sleep before hand so I decided to lay down and sleep for a bit. When I laid down I was feeling tired but after a few moments I started to feel low and when I feel low I cannot go to sleep because the body is not in a restful state. I waited for a bit to see if it was actually a low or just a feeling - sometimes when the blood sugar drops after injecting insulin it can feel like a low - so I waited and it started feeling worse so I got up and had a glass of juice, drank it and started to watch something as I waited for the juice to kick in and get the blood sugar back up so that I can rest. I waited there for a while and still felt low, it was like waiting three hours or something for the juice to kick in and I still didn’t feel like I was going up, so I tested again and I was still low. So I had a bowl of cereal and injected for the bowl of cereal and then spent a few more moments awake until the blood sugar leveled out and I could sleep again.

So that is the set up for the resistance. Because I had things on my mind that I wanted to get done and because I had `complications` with the schedule that I had set up for myself due to going low there was a thought that came up that I have just wasted my time and that I was therefore useless and/or - idk - I went into quite a bit of judgement within there. So like the resistance started to come up when I woke up because I felt as if I had already wasted time through struggling to sleep and/or sleeping too long so I within the judgement I didn't want to move myself and within that I also went into resistance until someone ended up calling me and after talking for a while about the point.

There is a point here of it not being about what I am doing but who I am within what I am doing and who I am was, from what I see, already within resistance before I slept - like there was still wakefullness within myself before I decided to sleep and there was still things that I could get done, but at the moment I decided to sleep and within sleeping while I was already in that point of resistance only brought it up again when I woke up and then the other factors or excuses came into play of it being too late in the day and needing to do other stuff as well. So the point here is that I allowed myself to go into resistance in the first place before I slept and did not direct that point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to properly consider and look at who I am within myself before I sleep and if I am in a point of resistance that is bringing on the feeling of tiredness or if I am physically tired and need some rest

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe and bring myself back to self awareness when/as I feel tired yet cannot directly say that I need sleep at the moment, and in this awareness to look at myself and who I am within myself and to, in that moment if I see that I am actually going into resistance or I already am in resistance to be the directive principle of myself in that moment and discontinue the allowance of the experience of resistance to direct me

When/as I feel that I am tired and I am simply looking at the screen and not doing anything and not moving myself in the physical reality to, in that moment, take a deep breath and as I inhale, bring myself back to self awareness of myself here in my body and in that moment look into myself if I am feeling resistant to directing or applying myself within the physical reality or if I am actually physically tired and if I am feeling resistance to then, keep on breathing and give myself direction in that moment and to as well not allow the experience or the thoughts regarding resistance to direct myself.



User avatar
PaulQuessy
Posts: 672
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Location: Waterloo
Contact:

Re: Paul's Journey to Life

Postby PaulQuessy » 29 May 2016, 17:21

Day 591 - Flexibility

http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ ... ility.html

I have been looking at being flexible recently, being flexible with the reality around me and being flexible with myself and in my movement. I started to look at this point when I was driving to work and I was very tense within myself because I was fearing that the car would break down and/or fearing something going wrong at work that would then compromise the movement of other plans that I had via adding onto the things that I had to get done and/or keep on track. That was the point that was the most pertinent = that I had points that I wanted to keep the car intact for and I was trying to hold everything together within myself and thus I was tense.

The reason flexibility came up is because I was and have been stressing myself out over everything working the way that it always has so that I can remain on a certain path and schedule and thus not allowing any room within myself for movement of myself or a change of reality around me..without going further into stress and panic basically. So with wanting everything to remain the same within my reality and have everything work without breaking down I have not lived the word flexible or allowed myself to be flexible within myself to allow room for those changes, for both the reality around me and for myself.

The creation point of this is not thinking that I can simply handle what comes up within a moment, believing that I always need to be prepared for everything before I go out and venture into whatever plan I do have or whatever comes up. There is this belief that I cannot process or trust myself to take whatever comes up and apply common sense within that moment and thus I want to and aim for everything to remain the same around me and within me so that I do not need to go into more stress regarding change and application of myself within something new.

Flexibility also comes up in relation to money….I suppose this whole point is regarding survival. Trying to hold everything together within myself so that I may be able to survive, specifically with money, like fearing the car breaking down and having to spend money on fixing it thus taking away from the movement of money towards other things. So here this point of flexibility comes in as a point for me to relax with myself and approach anything that comes up with myself, not from stress of needing to get other things done or having other plans for myself within that moment but from a starting point of embracing the change that is forever going to exist within life and to embrace a movement of flow within myself. Also to allow myself to release stress from myself, to allow myself to bring myself back here in self trust and not be so tense with the workings of the world and the physical reality

Flexibility is a word that I have not been living within my life through allowing myself to remain within stress and wanting things to remain the same and not break down or become dysfunctional in any way. But within this point that I have lived I have not given myself the opportunity to relax and release and process more information than I currently have adapted myself to. Not allowing myself to be flexible has turned into quite a detrimental point for myself because it has turned into a point of survival and wanting or believing that I need to hold tense within myself in order to survive = fearing the outcomes of many situations and in this fear not allowing myself to move with comfort and adaptability.

What I see as being the contributor to this issue is having this point of planning ahead of myself as a constant thought process that I go into. So I place myself within the future and think about what I want to get done or what I aim to do within the future and basically lock myself into that position within my mind set and within my body as well. Therefore the solution - as is with most things is letting go, being here and breathing = not going into the future and sticking myself to a certain plan. Having a plan will still be cool as that can be a guideline for the direction that I will take, but allowing myself to go into a point of solidity regarding the plan only allows this point of flexibility to diminish, so it is to allow myself the movement and space inside of myself regarding time and money to give myself that expansion required within myself to develop this point of flexibility within myself.

This is something that I will be practicing within the next week and will update in the coming blog. Thanks.




Return to “7 Years Journey to Life”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests