Josh's Journey to Life

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josh
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Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

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Day 337 – A dimension of Insecurity

Insecurity as I understand it:

In a situation where I do not / not sure how to act therefore react with disempowerment and inferiority thus giving the situation / being authority over me as superior to me within that context and then go into fear and then insecurity towards that being / situation.

The other day, I was at my brother-in-law’s house at night and our kids were running around. We were in the garage with the garage door 1/3rd open. The boys walked through the opening and into the darkness of the night in the driveway. I noticed this, but continued to talk to my brother-in-law not paying much attention. Some time went by, not sure how much, and then I noticed that I could not hear the boys and the last thing that I remember was they slipped through the garage door. Realizing that I had no idea how much time they were gone and that it was nighttime, I went into a slight panic. I asked my b-n-l if he knew where the boys were and he was not sure. He made a cursory look in the house and could not find them. At that moment, I because very panicky. I went out through the partially open garage door and yelled out into the night walking into the open to get as much of a view as possible, but could not see or hear them. Then anger triggered as I got pissed that the boys would just run off like that into the night. I walked quickly home (I live a few doors down), and got my car and started back down the road towards my b-n-l’s house. While driving I started having thoughts of how this time I would definitely spank the boys and I started imagining myself yelling at them and telling them how foolish they were / are and how they are putting themselves in danger and not considering others. I felt helpless, like I would not know what to do with myself if I were not to find them. As soon as I drove by my b-n-l’s house with my window down, my b-n-l walked out into his yard and yelled, “found them inside!” At that moment, relief hit, still with anger a bit, but with the realization that I could not possibly by angry with them since they actually were inside the whole time.

So, in this situation, the boys going missing because a point of insecurity with me, where I did not know what to do or what I would do or say our how I would account for myself if they were missing and thus their seemingly being missing because a point of authority / superiority over me where I felt disempowered within the point that if I were to find them it would only be if they happened to be still on the streets somewhere and not kidnapped or something. I felt uncertain as to where to go looking for them first; and within this I then felt insecure about the whole situation. Then as a matter of regaining my power, I created the illusion of authority / superiority and knowing how to handle this situation by reacting in anger towards them where I imagined just how angry I would be and act towards them when and as I found them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in panic to the perception that our boys had gone missing outside.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when and as I realized that, at least it seemed, the boys had gone off into the night.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts like “what would I do or say or how would I account for myself if the boys were really missing?” to the trigger of realizing that they may be missing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts like “holy shit. They’re missing! They’re off in the night somewhere! How can they be so foolish!?” to the trigger of my realizing that they may be missing. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame towards our boys for what seem to be them running off into the night wherein I am blaming them for not taking consideration for their actions when it was I who was not considering my own actions in paying better attention to them. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that blaming our boys for what appeared to be them running off was in fact a way for me to create the illusion of empowerment / superiority within and as myself from a starting point of feeling disempowered / inferior to the situation and also as a being who was not paying attention enough to know where our boys were in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling powerless / disempowered to the situation of having our boys go seemingly missing within the point that I am powerless over the outcome of whether I find them or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat “I have no idea if I will find them or not – it’s completely up to chance!” Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the emotional energy of disempoweredness towards this situation thus giving this situation authority over me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling inferior to this situation. Within the point of feeling disempowered, inferior, and uncertain as to what to do or where to begin to look, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in insecurity to this situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to / towards our boys as a way to create the illusion within and as myself / my mind of power, superiority, certainty, and control over this situation. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with backchat like “I can’t believe they just ran off! How could they be so stupid? How could they be so selfish? I will definitely spank them for this! If anything gets the point across and is deserving of a spanking, it is this!” of which fuels and charges the positive feelings experiences being empowered, in-control, and superior to this situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into imaginations about all the things that I would say and do to the boys, in my anger, in order to “teach them a lesson” in order to make myself feel better / create the illusion within and as myself, about the situation at hand, that I am superior, in-control, and empowered which is a positive experience that I am attempting to create within and as my imagination as a reaction / solution to the negative experience of feeling, disempowered, inferior, fearful, and insecure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the backchat of “not knowing where my boys are / not being able to know for sure if I can find them / not knowing what might happen to them / the consequences to myself if I were to actually loose them”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in uncertainty towards the best resolution of this situation as in where to look first and if I could even find them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the solution to my emotional reactions of fear, uncertainty, disempowerment, inferiority, panic, uncertainty, and then insecurity is to simply slow down, stop all the back-chat through breathing and deleting the thoughts that come up and also grounding myself through the breath by moving the emotional energies from my body into my chest area in the in-breath and then releasing them through the out-breath until I am clear.
When and as I see myself in a situation where it seems that my boys are missing or that they are doing something that they are not supposed to be doing that could be dangerous or detrimental for them, and then I start reacting in panic with thoughts like “where are the boys? Oh shit!” and then my heartbeat increases and my breathing becomes quick and shallow while I pace around in a form of restlessness, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into a panic when and as it seems / or I have lost my boys or that they are doing something that they are not supposed to be doing that is dangerous or detrimental to them, physically. I see, realize, and understand that panic will not help me whatsoever in remedying the situation at hand and that the best course of action is to remain calm, breathe, and then formulate the best course of action to take and walk it breath by breath.
When and as I see myself reacting with the emotional energies of disempoweredness, uncertainty, and fear towards the observation and back-chat that “our boys seem to have run-off into the night and that I do not know where they are and that they may by kidnapped or lost and that there is no guarantee that I can even find them and I have no power to call them or summon them into my presence” – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the illusionary energy experience of disempowerdness. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in fear. I see, realize, and understand that disempoweredness is an illusion and that fear will not do anything to protect me or solve my problem. Instead, I direct myself / commit myself to breathe in drawing the energy of these emotions into my chest area while at the same time stopping my thoughts / backchats, and then breathe out, breathing these energies out of my body and grounding myself here in the physical. I see, realize, and understand that no matter the situation, the best course of action is to always remain here, stable, within and as each breath and the physical where it is that I enable myself / empower myself to be as effective and directive as possible thus giving / gifting to myself that best possible chances of success.
When and as I see myself reacting in disempowerment, inferiority, fear, and then insecurity to and towards a situation that I have thereby given authority to and over me, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into the experience of insecurity because I see, realize, and understand that I create this experience within and as myself through my acceptance and allowance the polarities of empowerment / disempowerment, and superiority / authority / inferiority / submission to exist within and as my mind as if they were physically real instead of what they are in fact- mind illusions. I see realize, and understand that as the physical / as physicality, I am in-fact equal and one with all that is here and that I step into my true power and authority and self-security when and as I stand as the physical, breath, and direct myself as the physical without any mind-interference or energies directing me – when I direct me here. I thus commit myself to remind myself, in those moments, that I am in-fact equal and one with what I have given authority / superiority to, so that I commit myself to breathe and ground myself here where I thus empower myself as all as one as equal. From here, I direct myself to find the best possible solution to the situation that I face and walk it breath by breath stopping all thoughts, emotions, feelings, and behavioral patterns as they come up.


josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

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Day 338 – Waiting for That Special Moment

I find myself waiting for that special moment, that special time in the day where things will be better. This means that I am judging what I am doing throughout the day negatively. This means that what I do in respect to my daily responsibilities I have judged as negative and boring. The curious thing is that I don’t have anything specific in mind that will be more exciting that what I do in my daily routine. I work for money, I work around the house, I tend to my responsibilities to my kids, my animals, and my yard, I do my writings, I do my research, I get some physical exercise, I reserve a little time for entertainment – yet, I still have this slight anxious feeling throughout it all, that I need to be doing something more – that life needs to be just a little more fun, more exciting, more explosive even. So, like, I am always just a little unsatisfied with everything that I do, looking forward to the next moment, not completely here. Then, when it comes to the point that I do have some extra time, I go into the desire to have life the ultimate pleasurable experience and then start thinking of ways to achieve this. When I think to myself, I should do more writing, or should clean up a bit with this extra time, I then react with fear, dread, and resistance towards these thoughts because I know that these activities will not yield the level of excitement that I am looking for and thus feel as if I will be unfulfilled if I do anything else than that which is most exciting. Thus, I am always looking for that special moment of ultimate excitement, which acts like a point of self-sabotage, because that moment of ultimate excitement does really exist in the physical, it only exists in the mind as energy and that energy always collapse back into its source – the physical – leaving me here, right back where I started every time – looking for the next high, never here just living in the physical, fulfilled, complete in every moment of breath in the simplicity of just being right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking for that “special moment” where things are more exciting, fulfilling, pleasurable that they are right here and now in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “life is about living for those peak experiences of total excitement, total gratification, total pleasure” when I see, realize, and understand that I created this believe within and as myself based upon memories of how I defined life in the past based upon influences that I received from others, from TV, from pictures, images, and ideas about life – where I am dutifully living out the past instead of living right here in every moment of breath as the physical doing what is practical and best for all, only and always.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when moving self here as the physical, where self is here in every breath moving the physical body to do and accomplish the various tasks and responsibilities required throughout my day – that when I am here directing myself as the physical of no mind, that I am in fact really living, really fulfilling myself, really creating that special moment in a constant way where I am always living that special moment as myself here as the breath, as the physical. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from living every moment as that “special moment” here in breath as the physical / as the breath by believing that what I am apply myself towards, such as chores etc., is “not enough and that I need something more” and thus creating a form of restlessness and haste within and as myself as I rush towards completing my required tasks so that I can get to that special moment that exists only in my mind as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate in the need / desire to do activities that create more energetic experiences of excitement, gratification, pleasure while in the middle of doing the task / chore / responsibility at hand. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this desire is of the mind seeking to create more energy to sustain its existence on directive power over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge taking care of my responsibilities as negative and thus believe that taking care of responsibilities is boring, unfulfilling, and unexciting when in fact this is all just energy games of the mind where I separate myself from here living as the physical and as the breath when and as I participate in this energy and believe that it is me.
I forgive myself that I have neglected to live the realization that I am here as the physical already complete, already fulfilled, already entertained, already living my life’s purpose when and as I am here living as the breath as the physical moving with my body and paying attention to absolute detail of what I do in every moment of breath. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through my believing and participating in the mind and its desire for stimulating experiences thus judging and believing all of my ordinary chores and responsibilities to be unfulfilling, that I am creating stress and tension, within and as my mind and body, that accumulates to a point of needed to release and let it all out – in that special moment wherein I become mind possessed to just only do whatever it is that will make me feel that most release and bring the most energy – when all along, I have been neglecting that every moment of breath here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not accept and allowed myself to question my desires, my need for excitement, my need for something more than just simply doing what is practical for my survival and what is best for all within the point of “why? Why do I need something more? What will it bring me that I am not already living here as the physical?”
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the extreme foolishness of living for a future moment in time of imagined great excitement, fulfillment, pleasure, and gratification because even when those moments come in to being, they only last for a very short time only to have me wanting more, thus trapping me in endless cycles of self abuse where I separate myself from living here as the physical and into and as cycles of positive and negative energy, this keeping me trapped in time, in the same place never moving, never expanding, never really living – where I am trapped eternally living only for that positive energetic experience that lasts only for so long and thus does not really even exist. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as I live for positive energetic experiences where I neglect myself here as the physical and my potential for the ultimate satisfactions, pleasure, gratification, excitement, purpose, and true living as the physical where I live these points eternally as who I am in every moment as the physical – that so long as I am living for positive energy – I DO NOT REALLY EXIST – and am frozen in place, trapped, controlled, and directed by energy.
When and as I see myself going into the desire, belief, and judgment that simply doing what is required for my survival and what is best for all in every moment, is somehow not good enough for me and that I need something more than simply being right here within and as my physical body, breathing – I stop and I breathe. I ask myself why? What’s the point? I see, realize, and understand that this desire only comes from the starting point of my mind finding ways to generate energy to perpetuate its existence and thus, I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this any longer. I direct myself to stop these thoughts, opinions, judgments, beliefs, and desire for something more than what is right here through deleting these constructs when and as they come up and breathing. I direct myself to ask myself questions as to why these constructs are coming up so that I can slow myself down and look at them for what they are and thus assist myself in directing myself to stop my participation in them. I direct myself to speak self-forgiveness in the moment in order to dissipate the energy. I direct myself to start moving myself physical in and towards what is most relevant for my survival and what is best for all. I direct myself to stop my mind and breath and get into all the movements of my physical body so that I can assist myself to ground myself here as the physical – where I really live as myself here in every breath the words that I am (no longer) seeking to live as energetic experiences of the mind.

josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

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Day 339 – What it means to be “here” and what it means to be in the “now”

So, what does it mean to be here? I haven’t actually defined this for myself specifically, so in this blog I will.
Being “here” is not like being in the “now”. Being in the “now” is like being in a neutral energy wherein one must hold oneself in that neutral energy stance through meditation, or focus and then when that ends, nothing has really changed for the individual in relation to who they are as their mind, which generates positive, negative, and neutral energy; and thus, one isn’t really changed, but just holding or keeping oneself in a neutral energy that requires effort and focus for the rest of their lives as one battles the positive and negative energy by staying in the now / neutral energy. So, when one is in the now, one is not really facing self or looking at self within the starting point of self honesty and the realization that one is not the mind, which is composed of positive, neutral, and negative energy systems, constructs, and designs. Instead, one, is simply suppressing the positive and negative energy equations that exist within self by staying in the “now” / “neutral energy”, and thus one never really changes while in the now and thus one will always have to make an effort or a push to be in the now. Also, the “now” offers no realization that one is actually one and equal with all that is here, in the totality of all existence, as self / as who self really is. Thus through practicing the now, one is only accepting what is here as it is / as if one cannot change it / as if one is separate from it / as if what is here is not reflecting back to self who self really is. Thus, through practicing the now, one is supporting and perpetuating all the abuse that is here through the justification that one cannot do anything about it through the belief and perception that one is separate from it. Thus, the “now” separates self into neutral energy, which still creates both positive and negative energy equations as a consequence. Thus, the now, is no solution to the abuse that is here, and only offers to separate the individual into an illusion of peace, wisdom, and self power that is created through the experience of neutral energy which is the now.
What it means to be “here” is that one does not live in / exist in and as any form of energy equation whatsoever, through the practice of aligning self within and as one’s breath and physical body through the realization that one is actually one and equal with all that is here as self. Being here, means that one realizes that one is not the mind and that the mind is where positive, negative, and neutral energy comes from. Being here means that self is not directed by any form of energy whatsoever, positive, negative, or neutral. Being here, means that one recognizes that everything that is here, in existence is a refection of self and what self is living; and thus one that is “here” does not accept and allow anything to exist as it is, especially abuse; but rather, looks at self to see what self is living within self that is reflected in the external reality of what is here – and thus faces self in order to bring about the changes within self that will eventually reflect in the ending of abuse of all kinds. Thus, being here, means that self will eventually find a solution for all abuse and adjust one’s living in a way that will eventually lead to the ending of all abuse and a world that is best for all – and being in the now, means that one simply accepts all that is here, as if one is separate from it, and thus will only perpetuate all the abuse and suffering that is here into eternity.
Being here, means that one is facing self in every moment of breath and thus stopping any participation in positive, negative, or neutral energy – because that is what is required to be here. Being here means that one is not directed by energy and when one is, one recognizes that one was not here, in that moment, and thus self-reflects by looking into one’s mind / self to find out, face, and change the reason why one went into energy / the mind, instead of remaining here – so that one can make the change to live here. Being here means that one is not pretending to be some form of a greater being which is what one does when one is in the now / neutral energy. Being here means that one has aligned oneself with one’s physical body as who one really is. Being here means that one has slowed down and is no longer caught-up by the energy of personalities, backchats, and other constructs of the mind that are always emerging from the mind. There is no energy equation to be “here”. Being here also brings about the realization that one is in-fact one and equal with all that is here as self, and thus one seeks to change self and align self into what is best for all because one realizes that one is all that is here and thus does not just accept what is here as if one cannot change it because one is it.
So, being in the now separates one into one’s mind in a holding pattern of neutral energy and thus accepts and perpetuates and supports all the abuse in this existence as it is now with no change. Being in the now, one just simply creates a bubble fantasy world within one’s mind. Being here, means that one sea’s and seeks to see everything that is here for what it is as self, accepts nothing as it is, and thus seeks to change self / align self into a living that is best for all in order to bring about an eventual change that is best for all in this physical existence. Being here means to breathe and be aware of one’s breath and align self within and as the breath in every moment of breath wherein one is not moved by positive, negative, or neutral energies at all.
When one is “here”, one is looking to self with radical self honesty seeing self for what self is and has accepted and allowed self to be and become; and from there makes the changes necessary to align self with the physical and the breath where one is no longer directed by energy. Being in the “now” means that self is hiding from who self is and has accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind / as positive, negative, and neutral energy equations in separation from what is here and thus there is no self-honesty, no self-change, and only the perpetuation of all the abuse that is here while one hides from it within a self created illusion of a god-consciousness which is the neutral energy of the now.






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