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Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 08 Sep 2015, 16:03
by josh
http://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2015/09/d ... cious.html

Day 365 – Self-Conscious

· Self-Conscious: self-con·scious
· Synonyms: Embarrased, uncomfortable, uneasy, nervous, awkward, modest, shy, diffident, bashful, inhibited, unnatural
1. Feeling undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions.
2. Having knowledge of one's own existence, especially the knowledge of oneself as a conscious being and/or of an action or intention that is deliberate and with full awareness, especially affectedly so.

I have always been self-conscious of what I say as if always worried that what I say will not be accepted or approved of by others and then as a consequence others will not like me or even reject me. I would filter through all the possible things to say, then judge most of it as bad or unacceptable and often times just say nothing at all. I was too afraid to take a risk of saying the “wrong” thing and then been ridiculed or rejected. I would always look for the re-actions from others, after speaking something, to see if I gained approval or not. If the other does or did not respond in a way that told me that what I said was approved, then I would get all worried about what I said to a point where I would tune out of the conversation. I believed that I just did not have anything to say or that I was not funny or entertaining to talk to. I compared myself to others, especially those who had a lot of words and a lot of positive attention, and then believed that I would never be able to come up with cool things to say like them; and that I was even less intelligent or worthy that they to have any kind of good company, girl friends, etc. This pattern of self-consciousness and insecurity, has subsided for the must part in my adult life, but it is still there in the background, although I do not listen to that voice in my head so much as I used to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-conscious of what I say as if I can say the ‘wrong’ thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can say something ‘right’ or something ‘wrong’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I say or what I am thinking of saying as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others think of what I say or am thinking about saying as if they will think that it is ‘wrong’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘inappropriate’ and then they will not like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of saying the wrong thing because I might not get what I want from the other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others through carefully choosing the ‘right’ words so that I get the ‘right’ reactions from others so that I can get what I want from them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my self-consciousness was a form of manipulation of others where instead of just simply expressing myself with others wherein they are free to like me or not, I would carefully choose my words so that I only use the words that will make them like me so that I can get what I want and believe that I need from them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-judgments of what I have to say onto others as if they are the source of these judgments, when it is really me judging myself as stupid, dumb, boring, and unworthy to talk to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that accepting and allowing this pattern of self-judgment and self-consciousness to exist within and as me, compromises my ability to express myself as who I really am as the breath and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I remain here in breath, and breathe, with no self interest and ulterior motive to have them like me or give me something, and really listen to others as if I am in their shoes and also within the point of being here with as them in every breath, where I am not in my mind at all / in any way, that within this I am enabling myself to respond to them in the most effective and supportive way possible. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so concerned with myself and if others like me or not, that I have missed the whole point of communication which is to support others as myself as I would like to be supported and listened to of which has nothing to do with me except that I remain here in breath and breathe while I listed and place myself in their shoes as them while I engage in conversation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if and when others reject me because of my words, that this has nothing to do with who I am as the physical and as the breath, and has everything to do with them and where they are in their process. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to check myself when and as I have ‘negative’, ‘neutral’, or ‘positive’ reactions from others to the words that I speak, to see if I have any self interest as my starting point of my words of which is the only thing that one has to look out for when speaking and communicating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in excitement and feeling good about myself when and as others react to my words the way that I wanted them to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disappointment and insecurity when and as others don’t react to my words the way that I wanted them to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what I have said in the past, as if I said something ‘wrong’ that will cause others to not give me what I want and need which is approval, self-security, and acceptance which leads to money, sex, and power.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that although on the surface my needs from others are as innocuous as just needing approval, self-security, and acceptance, that really the root of these is to have money, sex, and power so that I can experience myself in the most ultimate way possible. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my self-consciousness was actually a way for me to attempt to get what I want from others within and as self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and unnatural around others because of my self-consciousness, especially those whom I have more self-consciousness around.
To be continued….

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 11 Sep 2015, 14:46
by josh
http://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2015/09/d ... us-ii.html

Day 366 – Self-Conscious, II

When and as I see myself accessing the self-conscious character, wherein I negatively judge and analyze what I have said or what I am saying, and then go into fear reactions and then worry and even nervousness to what I perceive and project others to be seeing / judging me as – and within this I go into inferiority towards others as if I am not worthy of talking or expressing because I have judged what I say and am saying as bad / wrong / stupid / inappropriate / boring --- I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow this character to exist within and as me because I see, realize, and understand that this character is a figment of my imagination / is of my mind / is of energy / is a mind possession and thus limits my self-expression as who I am as the physical of which is unlimited and equal and one with all that is here as me including the very people that I am talking to when accessing self-consciousness. I see, realize, and understand that this character does not actually exist in fact and is completely imaginary and of my mind in separation from what is actually real. I see, realize, and understand that this character does not actually assist me to protect from the negative judgments of others. I see, realize, and understand that this character is really about me and how I see myself and then I am projecting this onto others as if the source of these negative self judgments is coming from outside of me / is not of me. Thus, I commit myself to stop and delete this self-conscious backchat when and as I see it come up. I commit myself to direct my awareness to my breathing and to being completely here within and as my physical body. I direct myself to breathe in the fear, anxiety, nervousness energies that are created as a consequence of accessing the self-conscious character into my chest area where I can disconnect these energies from my solar plexus, where they originate, and then move them around in my chest area and then ground them back into my physical body through the out-breath. I direct myself to remind myself that I am of the physical and that everything that is here is physical and thus I am actually equal and one with all as me and thus there is nothing to fear or be self-conscious about, in reality. I direct myself to remind myself that I am merely projecting my own self judgments onto others as if these are coming from them, when they are coming from me. I direct myself to remind myself that the best thing that I can do for all as me as one and equal with me is to express myself as freely as possible of no energy – just pure self expression here in every moment of breath. Thus, I direct myself to breathe, ground the energies, and within stabilize myself while in conversation with others so that I can align myself within and as the physical where I can direct myself to express myself in the moment as who I am of the physical, of which is best for all and is a true self expression of who I really am in each and every breath.

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 14 Sep 2015, 14:34
by josh

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 18 Sep 2015, 14:27
by josh
http://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2015/09/d ... ak-ii.html

Day 368 – Control Freak, II

When and as I see myself accessing the control “freak” character – wherein I subtly try to manipulate and control others behaviors and decisions just so that I can keep what I have or get what I want from the starting point of fear of loss / fear for my survival / fear of not being able to experience myself within and as the fulfillment of my self-definition, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow this character to exist within and as me. I see, realize, and understand that it is literally impossible to control or manipulate others beyond what they already want to do beyond a limited duration in time; and that this controlling and manipulative character is an energy creation that is abusive to all life and serves no purpose but to create the illusion that I am doing something to protect me from that what I fear loosing or not having; and thus this character just keeps me trapped within and as my mind in separation from here. I see, realize, and understand that it is fear of loss that is driving this character to exist within and as me and until that fear of loss is faced by me, wherein I stop participating in this fear once and for all and thus choose to breathe and remain here as the physical instead, that I will perpetually have to resort to covering up this fear and managing this fear for the rest of time, of which will bring me to my end and keep me trapped in the mind in the mean time. Thus, I see, realize, and understand that facing my fears, wherein I transcend them so they no longer exist within and as me, that through this facing of my fear I can release myself from my fears once and for all and thus will no longer require to manage my fears through personality characters. Thus, I commit myself to stopping the control freak character by reminding myself to breathe throughout the day and throughout my interactions with others wherein I enable myself to pay close attention myself so that I can see any energies, of the various characters that are coming up so that I can apply myself to stop them in real time. I commit myself to remind myself to breathe and slow down while interacting with others so that I can align myself within and as the physical wherein I enable myself to communicate with others from a clear equal and one starting point, in real time. I commit myself to remind myself that I cannot control or manipulate others in-fact, and that I am just creating an illusion of self-empowerment and self-protection from what I fear loosing when and as I access these characters. I commit myself to breathe and stabilize myself and say nothing at all if that is what I require to stop participating in this character while interacting with others. I commit myself to release myself from the control freak character by speaking self-forgiveness in real-time / right in the moment when the characters rise up within and as me, if at all possible or socially acceptable. I commit myself to further examine my fear of loss and to work diligently to fully release myself from this fear and all fear so that I can no longer be driven by fear, but rather be driven by who I am as the physical as equal and one with all as me here – wherein from that starting point I am driven to do what is best for all, always – where no characters are directing me, but I am directing me here in every breath as life as the physical.

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 21 Sep 2015, 15:52
by josh
http://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2015/09/d ... e-for.html

Day 369 –

From Heaven’s Journey to Life,

Day 74:

“With Human Beings as the Mind’s relationship to the Physical – still exist today within and as this relationship of Fear/Fear of Loss of their own survival/existence as Consciousness-itself, and Desire – for and of that optimum evolutionary pinnacle ‘positive-energy experience’ as reaching/attaining the ultimate ‘Purpose/Life-Experience’ within themselves and their lives. And so, in the beginning – with the manifested-singularities moving into and as their oneness and equality merging/manifestation each and every time, merging/manifesting with a different manifested-singularity as, the moment two manifested-singularities reached the negative-energy experience friction/conflict it was interpreted as an ‘End’ as though the two that initially merged/manifested would not again be able to reach/attain that equilibrium of the positive-energy experience accumulation within and between each other. And so, Desire manifested within and as the manifested-singularities, and literally all that they were doing – is merging and manifesting with each other into and as the equality and oneness of and as the externalized positive-energy experience directed by/through ENERGY-EXPERIENCE within and as Desire through Attraction for the ‘Love/Positive-Energy experience’ within and between each other.”

…when it comes to relationships; within and as the interrelationships between Desire, Attraction into and as Love as Sex, where Human Beings as Minds exist for one thing and one thing only: Sex/the Ultimate Energy/Life Experience; as seen within and as the extent to which the Mind of the Human Being become obsessed and possessed with and as Sex/Sexuality as it was/is from the Beginning: The Mind/Energy’s primary purpose/reason for existing – Sex/the ‘Ultimate Positive-energy experience accumulation’ / ‘Love / ‘Sex’ as ‘Love’ as ‘Ultimate Positive-Energy Experience’ “

This point of living for the ultimate positive energy experience as realized / quantified in and through the act of sex / sex as love as the ultimate positive energy experience, wherein sex had become the quantification of the desire for the ultimate positive energy experience / the merging of the two singularities: male and female – wherein through the process of desire / desire for the ultimate positive energy experience, then attraction / attraction to a mate who emobodies and possesses what one believes will enable one to upgrade one’s mind consciousness system within and as the ultimate positive energy experience, of which this attraction is based upon one’s self definition / backchats / internal dialogues / fantasies that then leads to love / love as sex / or just sex – and then, once this ultimate positive energy experience is attained and then turns from positive to neutral and then to negative energy experience; then as a consequence, fear / fear of loss / fear for one’s survival as energy / consciousness and thus fear of death manifests within and as self which then creates / manifests desires within and as self for and to experience the ultimate positive energy experience once again – only to be keep one trapped into an infinite / never ending cycle of fear / fear of loss and desire / desire for the ultimate positive energy experience, attraction, then love / love as sex, as quantified as and through the act of sex and also can be realized through the attainment of money, spirituality, etc., --- this point, as I just delineated has been coming to my awareness for quite some time now and now it is just way more clear. Self forgiveness to follow on the next post.

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 23 Sep 2015, 14:39
by josh

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 28 Sep 2015, 15:36
by josh

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 30 Sep 2015, 15:31
by josh
http://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2015/09/d ... e-for.html

Day 372 - Fear of loss and Desire for the Ultimate Positive Energy Experience, IV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for the ultimate energy experience with complete disregard its consequences to the physical / my physical body / all the beings suffering on this planet right now as an outflow of consequences.

I commit myself to no longer be directed by desire and / or fear / fear of loss because I see, realize, and understand that I am not energy and that energy is what has a beginning and an end, where the end is feared. But rather, I see, realize, and understand that I am here as the physical of which is simply here, whole, complete, all at once right here in its natural state / my natural state – wherein I am in need of nothing in which there is nothing to fear because it is impossible to loose myself when I am already here as everything. I see, realize, and understand that desire is manifest within the context of fear of loss, and thus desire, then attraction, the love / sex, is all a game that I have been playing since the beginning of time in order to secure my existence within and as energy / positive energy. I see, realize, and understand that energy, unlike substance / the physical, is always moving from positive to neutral to negative and that this movement to the negative generates / creates my fear of loss wherein as the negative I fear loosing the positive – and that within this, I see, realize, and understand that I have manifested desire as tool used to keep my in the positive energy experience forever and always. Within this, I see, realize, and understand that by the nature of energy in that it is always moving from positive to neutral to negative that within this very point, I will always be trapped in endless cycles of desire and fear of loss and that I will never manifest an eternal positive energy experience because that defies the very nature of energy itself and thus is an illusion that I have created of eternal blissness that I chase after like a carrot on a stick. I see, realize, and understand that even when I manifest / experience my desires, that they will always fade into the negative and thus I cannot really live as the eternal positive experience and thus will always have fear of loss as me so long as I exist within and as desire. I see, realize, and understand that through the chasing of positive energy, that I am actually creating energy of which is derived from the physical / substance of which has adverse consequences to the physical of which is demonstrated / being lived in this very world right now where most suffer / the planet is dying and only a small minority are actually able to experience themselves in the positive of which is the manifested consequence of living for and as energy. I thus commit myself to take my stand as the physical, wherein I am already whole and complete within the point of HERE, wherein I am already HERE, as the physical as all as one as who I really am, HERE, where there is no time, and no energy requirement. I commit myself to show how time is a function of energy, where there is a beginning and an end and where time is the function of the movement from positive energy to negative and then back to positive through relationships that are formed to move as energy. I commit myself to no longer exist within and as desire because I see, realize, and understand that all my very desires are all for one thing – to live within and as an eternal point of the ultimate positive energy experience. Thus, I commit myself to end my existence within and as desire and fear of loss through a total self commitment to change my very nature from within and as energy to the source of energy that is always equal and one and constant, HERE – and that is substance / the physical. I commit myself to breathe, slow down, and examine all my personalities, desires, fears, and characters to see where fear of loss and desire is generating / creating them so that I can stop participant within and as energy, and realign myself to live here, as the physical of which is eternal, never ending, equal and one, and best for all, and will eventually lead to a world that is best for all as the manifested reward / result of living here as the physical and ending the hamster wheel of desire and fear of loss.

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 04 Oct 2015, 15:33
by josh

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Posted: 07 Oct 2015, 14:33
by josh