Desteni Forum

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Day 376 – Self Forgiveness regarding person X, Part III, the folly of back-chatting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in negative backchat about person X. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I accept and allow myself to backchat about person X, or anyone or anything, that these backchats layer and are stored as memories within and as my mind attached to emotional bodies that I have programmed and attached to them – and that within this, these emotional bodies activate when triggered by person X doing something similar in the present. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am back-chatting about person x, or anyone, and becoming emotional about it, that I am attaching emotional bodies to these memories wherein I am basically preprogramming myself to have an emotional reaction in the future when and as a point in time comes up that relates to these memories of which triggers the emotional bodies to come up and possess me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that had I not participated in any backchat regarding person X, in the past, and did so by deleting the backchats that came, breathing instead, and releasing these energies through self forgiveness and self commitments, in the moment, that I would have been way more stable and able to breathe through person X’s behavior in this current situation.

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Day 378 – Self Value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my value and worth in what I can accomplish and achieve in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe / participate in the belief that I am not worthy to stand by my partner if I am not able to provide the monetary means for us to survive in this world / economic system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my net worth is my actual worth. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and feelings of wanting to give up when and as I hear of others who have extremely high net worth, in the millions and billions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my worth and value is attached to my net worth in dollars and cents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a secret / surreptitious competition between me and all humanity to have the highest net worth possible in order for me to just have feelings of being worth and valued to live on this planet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to consider that in this system of survival and / or realizing one’s dreams and fantasies that, due to the limited resources on this planet, only a select few are able to achieve and live their dreams and fantasies while the majority are just able to survive or not even able to survive. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior unless I am able to be on the “winning” side of this system of which motivates me to be in competition to win just so that I can feel and see myself as equal / worthy / valued.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the difference between those who “win” in this economic system and those who “loose” in this economic system is in their pre-programmed design of the mind / personalities that one comes with into this world – wherein the programmers of this existence chose in advance who would be the winners and who would be the losers. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in jealousy and feelings of worthlessness to others pre-programmed mind designs. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my value and self-worth to within and as my own mind design instead of where my actual real physical value is within and as: the physical / my physical body / the breath, of which is equal and one with all that is here and all beings in existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other’s pre-programmed mind designs who are able to win and make lots of money in this economic system and then want to give-up and go into feelings of unworthiness, depression, and inferiority – when in fact, I am have neglected to consider that I am equal to all beings here in that we are all made of the same substance and thus have the same actual potential, yet we have apparent differences due to out pre-programmed mind consciousness system designs of which are merely energy constructions that will eventually end while our physicality, which are equal, will remain forever.
I forgive myself that I have also accepted and allowed myself to ignore that fact that I, as a self-aware physical being / as the breath / as substance have the power within and as myself to over-come my pre-programmed mind consciousness design, of which is merely energy of which is a derivative of substance of which is who I really am, wherein I can take my power back and stand as the physical and then within that re-design myself into and as who I want to be / need to be / what is best for all.

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Day 379 – Self-Value, II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my own negative self-judgments. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow these fear reactions to trigger worry, imaginations, and paranoia about how others see me and value me through as my own self judgments, as if these judgments are coming from others instead of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior to those who make more money than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value is only equal to and only represented as the amount of money that I can make in the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not the very best at something, then I am inferior and unworthy and have no real value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in competition with others in all ways just so that I can prove to myself my own self worth. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self judgments, wherein I am only worthy if I am winning and at the top, onto others as if others are judging me this way, when in fact it is me judging me and placing my value within and as what I can win and accomplish in this one life.
I forgive myself that I have neglected to consider and see, realize, and understand that one’s value as a physical being / as physicality / as substance / as the breath / as what is physically here is one and equal with all that is here / all beings here because we are all made of the exact same substance, just in different forms – like clay – all clay is equal, just shaped differently. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I place my value in what I can accomplish and win or who I am as far as my personalities are concerned, for example am I the wittiest, the smartest, etc., - that within this I am separating myself from who I am as the physical into and as energy constructs of the mind that are not actually real and thus through this, whether I win or loose, I am in effect devaluing myself to within and as energy, ideas, beliefs, and constructs, instead of taking my stand in equality as who I am as the physical, of which is already here waiting for me to realize this and live it as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to attain or achieve something in order to be equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and thus measure myself against and to others who have lots of money, success, popularity, intelligence, and a seeming perfect life, and then come up lacking as if I am unworthy and have no self value unless I have the same outward appearance of success and fulfillment as they do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and react in fear to the idea that these negative self judgments, comparisons, and the point that I have not self value or worth unless I am the best, or on the winning side are coming from others as if this is what others are thinking of me – when in fact this is what I am thinking of myself.
When and as I see myself comparing myself to others, judging myself as inferior, and then reacting in fear, worry, imaginations, and projections as reactions to my negative self-judgments that I am “unworthy” and “inferior”, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow this to exist within and as me because I see, realize, and understand that this is complete egoic bullshit that serves only my mind in its eternal fight for survival and positive energy experiences of winning, etc. I remind myself in these moments that I am right here within and as the physical where I am already equal and one to all beings here / all that is here because we are all of the same source / substance just in different forms and expressions. I thus commit myself to stop and delete these back-chats, negative self judgments, fear reactions, worries, imaginations, and projections that occupy my mind through directing my attention and aligning myself to within and as the breath / my breathing where through the alignment of within and as my breathing I am enabling myself to be right here within and as my physical body where I am able to stand within and as equality and oneness right here as the breath / as the physical without having to attain anything, prove anything, by anything, or achieve anything in order to just feel and experience myself as equal and one, but rather I am merely stepping into the equality and oneness within and as myself that is already here naturally as who I am as the physical and as the breath.

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Day 380 – Stopping Negative Self-Judgments

Throughout my life, and especially in my teenage years and through most of my 20s, I have had a backchat dialogue of negative self-judgments that are constantly going on, especially when in conversation or interactions with others. These negative self-judgments are, I am: boring, un-intelligent even “stupid”, “not fun to talk to”, “saying the wrong thing”. These negative self-judgments consume my mind / me, distract me, evoke fear within and as me and have adversely affected my ability to make friends. These negative self-judgments are self-fulfilling prophesies because, up until now, I have reacted in fear to these thoughts, as if they are real, and as a reaction to these fears and to help protect me, I have “frozen-up” in social interactions where I just would not talk and when I did say something, it would be off beat because I was not completely here communicating with others, but lost in my mind sorting through all the potential things that I could say looking for that that “perfect statement”, of which would ironically lead me to say something that actually was / is “stupid”, if you will, because I was not completely here in the first place.
Now, up until now, I projected these negative self-judgments onto others wherein I was worried that others were judging me these ways, when in fact it was me judging me and even tormenting me with these negative self judgments. I never considered that point that these negative self-judgments were actually my own creations and participations and were not actually coming from others, but me. So, I would fear that others would judge me as stupid or boring, for instance, and then react to that fear as if these judgments were actually really coming from them and then change my behavior accordingly.
So, as a consequence of not realizing that I was just fucking with myself by believing that my own negative self-judgments were actually coming from others, instead them coming from me as the actual source, I then became withdrawn, quiet, shy, taciturn, reticent, and socially quiescent; and then also I tried to prove to others (and really to myself) that I was all those things that I feared that I wasn’t. So, I took extra difficult college courses and started writing my own music so that I could be that “genius” character that no one “really understood” just so that I can justify to myself and prove to myself that I was not these negative self-judgments, or that these negative self judgments had a valid reason for existing within and as me because they were just the counterweight to my positive self identity as the “genius” type. Of course, this idea of the genius who cannot relate socially was also a just an idea that I was using for my own self-interest of providing some form of reason why I was “seemingly stupid, boring, etc” and not necessarily actual reality. Then from here I started projecting that one day I would be like a business super star or a rock star of sorts of which would be like my ultimate vindication point of “Yes! See all you assholes! I really am cool! I really am awesome!” – when in fact it was me that I was trying to prove myself to the whole time and it was me that was judging me so negatively in the first place.
Geese, were would I be today had I not had any negative self-judgments to begin with? Where would I be today if these negative self-judgment internal dialogue / backchat just did not exist at all? I went through the negative experience produced by these negative self judgments that I imagined / projected were coming from others when in fact it was me, then the fear and torment as reactions to this dialogue, then the social withdrawal, then the positive identity bullshit, like I am really a genius musician or an esoteric billionaire to be, all just so that I can feel better about the negative dialogue that I was constantly tormenting myself with – all of which altered the course of my life by severely limiting my within my own self expression.
So, today, these negative self-judgments are far less of a problem, but they still exist nonetheless, I just don’t react to them like used to.