Josh's Journey to Life

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josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 25 Mar 2019, 04:27

Marlen, FYI - sometimes, I prefer not to post on this forum due to the content of the blog for privacy reasons. So, when privacy is not an issue, I will post the content. Otherwise, I will just post the link. Thanks! I appreciate your support, as always.

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/03/ ... burst.html



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 27 Mar 2019, 13:01

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/03/ ... lsive.html

Day 422 - Impulsive
The other day, I saw some candy that a friend of mine bought and gave to me. I did not want it at the time. In fact, I resented the gift. I kind of looked at her like she did not know me if she is giving me this gift and all because I don't like receiving candy as gifts, and I am NOT in to candy!
Anyway, when she gave me the candy, she said "this is your own personal bag, so Amy can't stop you from eating as much as you want, Josh. I know how you are!" With that, I thought to myself "I don't like just eating tons of Candy!" That's not me! She doesn't know me" and then reacted with a little resentment towards her, even judging her negatively for being presumptive and assuming. So, I accepted the candy to be nice, and then put it away somewhere in a cabinet.
Then, a few days later, I saw that candy just sitting there in the cabinet I placed it in, and I grabbed it and started eating the candy. I had a few pieces and thought that it tasted very good. So, I had another figuring that I should just have one more. Then, impulsively, I had yet another, then another, and another, and even more after that until I had so many that my body started feeling weird and not so good. It is hard to explain exactly how my body felt other than just really bad all over, and also warm and tingly but not in a good way. Like, probably something to do with my Kidneys producing too much insulin too fast to deal with the blood sugar going to high too fast, I was thinking, which then I started get scared a bit.
Then if that weren't enough, my brother-in-law just popped over at that time and asked if we had any birthday cake left from the Isaac's b-day party. He said it was really good. Then I remembered "oh yeah birthday cake!" I reacted in fear that it may be almost gone or someone else might eat it", so I opened the frig and there it was. Sitting right in front of me. I already felt bad in my body from the candy and thought that it was not really a good idea to eat cake too at this time, but reached in and grabbed a piece of cake and ate it anyway. If that weren't enough, I added a couple of scoops of ice-cream to the cake too, and ate it all up.
Needless to say, I felt like complete shit after eating all of that and started to worry that maybe I would blow my kidneys out and become diabetic as a consequence. I went to bed early that night and had trouble falling to sleep and worried quite a bit
I have a pattern of being impulsive sometimes, where I over-ride common sense completely to do what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impulsively eat candy, cake, and ice-cream in quantities that is way past what my body can handle over-riding all common sense that I had in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that "someone else might eat the cake before me, if I do not eat it right now in this moment." Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by fear / fear of missing out on cake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is real and thus be trapped in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, and define myself as, "impulsive", and therefore there is nothing that I can do to stop myself. Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that "I am impulsive" as a justification to indulge where common sense, and my body, says that I should not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Jeanne negatively and as presumptuous and assuming when she said "I know you Josh..." and gave me candy. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Jeanne probably observed some things about me in the past, that I do not want to face as myself. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the point that I am impulsive at times and probably like eating candy much more than I would like to admit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to candy and sweets, and at times eat them far beyond what my physical body can handle. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide the truth of myself and my relationship with candy and treats so that I can not face this because I want to see myself as someone who eats right and is healthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts like "this is not enough. I need more. This experience of eating sweets was too fast, too little" and then use thoughts like this to manipulate myself to eat more and more candy and sweets way beyond the common sense telling me to stop, and also way beyond the feed-back from my physical body telling me to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry / go into worry about my physical condition as a consequence to my over-indulging - as if worrying is going to help at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat cake and ice cream after eating other sweets, just because I fear not having any in the future.
When and as I see myself in a situation like this in the future, I commit myself to slow down and listen to the common sense that is here already, as me, and eat just a portion that my body can reasonably handle. I commit myself to remind myself that the equation is simple and my body is the guide in this. And that is, that very small portions of candy and sweets is always the limit, and that if I get negative feed back from my body, then that is definitely where I cut if off.
When and as I see myself going into impulsiveness, where I am compelled to do something beyond the limits in common sense. I STOP. I do not accept and allow myself to be and go into the energetic pattern of being impulsive. I remind myself that I am NOT impulsive. That I am the breath. I am here. I am common sense. I am the physical. I am my physical body. I am the directive principle of me, not impulsiveness. From here, I commit myself to walk in common sense.



Marlen
Posts: 4354
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby Marlen » 28 Mar 2019, 20:32

Marlen, FYI - sometimes, I prefer not to post on this forum due to the content of the blog for privacy reasons. So, when privacy is not an issue, I will post the content. Otherwise, I will just post the link. Thanks! I appreciate your support, as always.

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/03/ ... burst.html
Got it ok, well the blog is open - isn't it? So perhaps also consider how to walk a point or pattern without disclosing all the details of it and simply sharing what you've realized in a generalized situation as well, so that there is no fear in the background about what you are actually dealing with and the people involved. Also because it involves others so yes it's necessary to be aware and generally cautious of that.

So here also as a reminder of self-honesty, how that has to do with yourself - and it doesn't mean exposing all of you either, there are and will be points that you will have to walk privately. Nonetheless, we can share the general realizations in a blog for example so that we don't expose unnecessarily others.

So, can take that into consideration.



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 29 Mar 2019, 13:02

Ok Marlen. You have a deal.

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/03/ ... nsive.html

Day 423 - Defensive
Moment start: The other day, I was sitting at my desk, at work, and my boss walked in and over to me with authoritative body language and with a stern voice said something to the nature of "Josh, the delivery address is not 1609 Wildair St., it 1909! That's the 3rd address this week that YOU have missed. Our delivery guys cannot go on runs with bad addresses! You need to check you addresses. We cannot afford, nor due we have time, to be making mistakes like this!"
Not even half way through his words, thoughts started rushing in to my head like "this is not the case! I had that address right" and emotions of resistance, agitation, and defensiveness rushed in as well. Also, memories rushed in of previous times I had been careless with details, but since then I had made an "effort" to change this about myself.
While my head was flooding with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories, I had a moment of self-awareness available to me to breathe, and I chose not too.
Then reacted to him with defensiveness in regards to my backchat and emotions, then raised my voice a little back and taking an authoritative stance in both tone and body language, said to him "No, that isn't so! I got that address from the customers plans. He (the customer) must have had the incorrect address on the plans! It wasn't me." My boss wasn't ready for that one, seemed a bit confused. Then acquiesced and walked away. I honestly believed that in the moment, but there was a part of me that wasn't sure. So, after he left the room, I checked the address on the plans and to my embarrassment, it was 1909! Moment ended.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read my bosses body-language and vocal tone as authoritative and then react immediately with becoming slightly on-guard and defensive, instead of remaining "here" as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts that emerged as reactions, from my structural resonance, to my bosses words and body language, are of me as the "I Am", thus becoming them through my belief, instead of remaining "here" as breath, standing in and as my self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and shame, when and as I heard the words spoken to me that "this is the 3rd time this week you have given a bad address!" especially because of memories in the past when I have been "careless and negligent" with details, and that I did not want to see this about myself here in this moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to change myself in this regard and to react in fear that I might not be able to change myself in this regard, and thus react with feeling embarrassed and dis-empowered. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react with agitation and slight anger as a way to take my power back and deflect blame away from me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an excuse and justification and say to my boss that "the address was incorrect on the plans" implying that it is NOT my fault, it is the plans fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and to believe that the energy of resistance is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with shame and to believe that the energy of shame is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with embarrassment and to believe that the energy of embarrassment is me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the sacred geometry of embarrassment is based upon fear-of-change and fear-of-loss - and therefore in my case, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I cannot change this "negligent and careless" quality about myself - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of loss - in that I may not be the projected image of self-greatness, that exists in and as pictures and ideas in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling dis-empowered and to believe that this energy is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as a way to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this pattern of defensiveness as a way to not face myself for what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defensiveness, instead of slowing down and facing the situation for what it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my bosses body language, words, and vocal tonality as being "harsh" and too "authoritative", and "inappropriate", and then react in fear and agitation to this.
When and as I see myself reacting to someones body language and vocal tones with a flood of thoughts and judgments coming up, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I am not these thoughts, judgments, feelings, emotions, and pictures that are coming up in my mind. I am the "I am" that is "here" always the same, constant, of no mind.
When and as I see myself reacting with the pattern of defensiveness, which includes the emotions of shame, embarrassment, blame, agitation, and anger - I STOP. I commit myself to breathe and remain here as the breath of Life. I see, realize, and understand that the pattern of defensiveness is of energy, of the mind, and only serves to protect the mind as systems. I commit myself to remain here as the breath, and breathe until this pattern and the emotional energies that come with it, disperse and grounded back into and as my physical body.
I commit myself to remain "here" stable, constant, and the same - and take self-responsibility to "hear" the "bad" report and face it as one with it as me, because I see, realize, and understand that no matter the report that someone has of me, "that I may have not been acting within what is best for all and the best possible version of myself" - that this does not change the fact of who I am as the "I Am", as the breath of Life. Instead, I commit myself to take this opportunity to remain "here" unchanged and "hear" the "bad" report, so that I can sort myself out and take self-responsibility for who I am and what I accept and allow.
In this case, I commit myself to address in future writings the points of "carelessness and negligence"



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 31 Mar 2019, 18:10

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/03/ ... ry_27.html

Day 424 - I'm Sorry

I notice myself apologizing a lot; and when I look at this, I see that it is more in a way to "grease-the-social-skids", than to make a real change. In fact, I guess that this is what this word is for when you look at the definition:
Apology: "A regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure"
And then there is the word:
Sorry: "Feeling regret or penitence."
And then there is the word:
Penitence: "The action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance."
which, as per the definition, an apology involves having done "wrong", which is "reptilian logic" of which is based upon “right and wrong”, “good and bad”, “positive and negative”.
So, basically, when someone does something "bad / wrong / negative" and is caught for it, that creates an "offense" and then there are like "charges" against that person and then an apology is required / owed, in order to balance the equation once again. Thus, there is no actual self-honesty required in an apology, just "words" to balance polarity charges and "ease the polls", like a form of policing action.
More-over, I even find myself apologizing, at times, as a way to take the "higher road", kind of like being "sinless", yet going to the cross for the "sins of the world." Like, hey man, I apologize because I am that cool. I can take a hit.
But, in the end, because there is no self-honesty required in an apology, then there is no change, and the same shit is going to come up again in the future, which makes an apology meaningless. Funny thing an apology is.
So, perhaps I should redefine the words "apology" and "sorry":
"Apology / Apologize" sounds like:
- appalled guy / appall(ed) guise -- which sounds like it means: giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of ones actions (very interesting)
- ape eulogy -- very interesting too, I see, because often times we say "monkey head" things in apologies like "you did not deserve this or that because of your "saintliness" in this situation, etc., etc.
- a polo guy -- I am making a bit of a stretch here, but the name "polo" is a Tibetan boys name, meaning "brave wanderer". And a wanderer is someone who travels "aimlessly".
And the word "Sorry" sounds like:
- soar eye -- Like I rose "too high" on myself and could not see what I was doing
- sour eye -- My actions were based on a sour eye - tainting my interpretation of things to that of negative and that disposition being the starting point for my words and behavior.
- sore eye -- Seeing things from a point of personal pain and then acting accordingly.
- sure eye -- like I was too self-assured in my eye and could not see
- sure why -- same as sure eye.
- sewer eye -- needs no explanation here
Ok, so from the sounding of the words, I can see some redeeming qualities in the word "sorry" but not too much in the word "apology".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I am sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of a feeling of regret and penitence, instead of from a starting point of self honesty and self awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of "greasing the social skids" without also looking at myself in self-honesty to see if there was a point or pattern that I missed or am covering up, where I am not acting in equality and oneness and need to direct as breath, here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and apologize just so that I can look like "I am an-appalled-guy" for my actions, as a form of a show to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give an appall(ed) guise, falsely giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of my words and/or actions so that I can "grease the social skids", get what I want, give a false impression of who I am in another's eyes, and/or not have to really in-fact face the truth of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize like "a polo guy" - an aimless wanderer -- who throws words out aimlessly following them where-ever they may lead / speaking in the moment without self-honest consideration as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I "owe" an apology in order to balance the equation based upon reptilian logic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am "owed" an apology because of a "wrong" that someone has done unto me of which is reptilian logic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an apology is due / owed because of things that I have judged as "wrong/negative/bad" of which is polarity and enslavement to the mind as systems, devoid of Life. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disdain as a reaction to my belief that an apology is due/owed, but not given. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling penitent, regretful, and remorseful when I have judged my actions as "wrong/bad/negative" in the eyes of another; instead of remaining grounded as the in-breath in and as self-awareness, testing my self awareness into infinity against the standard of all-as-one-as-equal in the infinite moment between the in-breath and the out-breath, and then expressing as one with my self awareness in the out-breath - as my solution and my eternal stance, of no mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions of penitence, regret, and remorse be the starting point of an apology instead of self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an apology to avoid conflict.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I say "I'm sorry" I am really saying that I have a sore/sour/sure/soar/sewer "I" that needs to be made into a healed/made-palatable/humbled/brought-back-to-earth/cleaned-up "I" - and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the self-commitment to radical self-honest change involved in an apology because only I can do this for myself and I must do this for myself in order to be one with my words when I speak an apology.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize with no commitment to actual change.
When and as I see myself going into an apology I commit myself to bring my self-honesty in this matter into and as my immediate awareness and thus use an apology only when the circumstance merits from an absolute self-honest all-as-one-as-equal position where self-change in the matter is equally part of the equation OR because of the social condition of this world as it exists now, I have no other option but to apologize in order to keep the mind consciousness systems from freaking out.
I commit myself to use the words "I'm sorry" sparingly.
I commit myself to live the words "I'm sorry and I apologize" by speaking these words, sparingly, but when spoken, they are spoken with an equal-and-one self-commitment to apply myself to the change required, so that an apology will never again come up, for the matter-at-hand, from a starting point of my self-dishonesty.



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 02 Apr 2019, 13:09

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/03/ ... -than.html

Day 425 - Less Than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and come up "less than".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in the prison of my own mind through my fear of being "less than".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may be "less than" worthy of other's company, in their eyes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others deserve less than me in the basic requirements for life and living on this planet such as food, shelter, money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in-spite of everyone else by missing even one breath, and within this I forgive myself that I have thus manifested a world were billions are viewed and thus treated as "less than" life, including possibly even me, as a consequential outflow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is justifiable that others have access to "less than" enough food / money / shelter to have a healthy body, and live a dignified life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live in a world where most beings are considered "less than"worthy of living in dignified living conditions, and then I do nothing about it, through my continuing to live out the characters of my mind, thus taking no self-responsibility to stop creating a world of inequality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest my own fear of being "less than" by creating myself as systems, that are "less than" Life, through my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be "more than" others: more worthy, more funny, more rich, more successful, for likable, more intelligent, more talented -- all so that I can feel worthy of Life and because of my starting point of fearing that I may be "less than".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear, in that I fear that I am indeed "less than" and thus as a consequence now exist as "systems" of which these systems that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become are none other than my fear of being "less than" manifested, because systems are indeed "less than" Life because they are a derivative of Life, but not Life itself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Life is equal in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as "less then" and then react in fear to other's seeing me as "less than" when and as I am in their presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to present myself in a certain manner in order to be acceptable in another's presence, otherwise I will be judged as "less than"
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand if I fear being judged by others as "less than" - that I have already judged myself as such.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self as "less than" and then become nervous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self as "less than" and then try to be and appear to be "more than" in order to feel worthy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this pattern of fearing that I am "less than" and then competing to be "more than" has a consequential outflow of this manifested world of billions who are now living with "less than" enough food to eat.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my only option is to be be "less than" Life, OR equal to Life as Life, and that anything short of equality to Life results in a world of abuse where abuse is justified because some are "more than" while others are "less than" in the eyes of the systems which are de-mans running the world today.
I commit myself to equalize myself with Life through my dedication to stopping my mind as systems that I have allowed myself to be and become.
I commit myself to stop all comparison and judgment of others, and self, by forgiving it in the moment as it comes up, in real-time so long as it takes, until these patterns stop and my structural resonance has changed.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all matters of comparison, competing, and judgment by reminding myself that these are patterns of the mind and systems that are less than Life, and that I am "here" as breath, where no judgment, comparison, and competition exists - and then apply self-forgiveness in the moment, to assist and support myself to remain here as breath in every moment, of Life, thus taking my stand as equal with Life.
I commit myself to show that if one stand equal with Life, as the breath of Life, that one can then help create a world of equality, where abuse does not exist - even if it takes decades.



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 04 Apr 2019, 13:08

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/04/ ... ition.html

I have come to see science as an utter fraud. The major "theories" are crap. You know, these theories: The Big Bang, Evolution, Heliocentrism, String theory Quantum theory, Relativity, Black holes, Germ germ theory -- all of them I reject them all as Catholic emanated poppy-cock. And I reject others too, I just can't think of them right now. Science is bullshit. There I said it.
Image result for inquisitionI know a lot of people, in fact most people, place their trust in science, so this is hard to hear. Allow me to expand as to why I think its all bullshit:
1. I cannot personally verify any of it.
2. Most scientific theories have emanated from the bowls of Catholic or Jesuit clergy (just google this to see for yourself).
3. We live in a prison planet where nothing can be trusted, especially what is taught in public schools from a young age (ironically, this I have personally verified - yet it takes quite a bit of self-honest consideration to do so. So, if you have not verified this yet. I suggest you get started).
4 We are brainwashed with scientific theory from a very young age, starting with globe theory.
5. When you cannot personally verify something, then those who hold the "knowledge", like scientists, become you access to the "unknown" - making these people another form of clergy and thus another religion where one can be controlled and told what to do.
6. Theory, by definition, is "make-believe", other-wise, it is called "law", scientific law. Theories can suck my ass. They can fuck off.

So, fuck that. Scientists and science can FUCK OFF.

Now, with all that said, I have developed an anti-science character of sorts where like if I sniff out that someone is too trusting of science, then I become a form of an inquisition and begin persecuting that person for their beliefs. LOL. That makes me laugh because that makes me like religious in a sense. LOL. The irony in it all!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persecute those who I see as trapped in the fraud of science.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior in intellect to those that I see as trapped in the fraud of science and the make-believe of scientific theory.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form myself into an inquisition persecuting those who believe in science and scientific theories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat about others whom I perceive to blinded and brainwashed by science.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop and create in and as my mind an "anti-science" personality that activates when and as I see someone espousing the virtues of scientific theory - and then start persecuting that person for his / her beliefs just like the Spanish Inquisitors.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-righteous-ness to those who espouse to scientific reason thus believing that I have a right to persecute and challenge in an offensive way these people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disdain towards those that espouse the virtues of science and scientific theory coming from a starting point that I am better or superior to them, which is of polarity and simply not true in fact.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am standing up for a truth and justice by persecuting those who embrace science, when in fact I am just causing more friction and polarity enslavement to the mind of which is ironically producing more bad science and exacerbating the problem of scientific fraud because the only way to get "good" science is to stand equal with all as one, and to apply self to support a system of equality that will eventually lead to good science that can be trusted.
I commit myself to, when and as I start reacting to written words on-line, or verbal words - that start espousing the virtues of science - to start breathing thus stopping these reactions in their tracks, grounding them back into and as my physical so as to remain clear and here. I commit myself to hear the words of others without reacting to them while listening. I commit myself to remind myself that we are all in different stages of process and have different "view" points to work through as a consequence. Self included. I commit myself to place others inside of self so that I can walk with them from where they are as me, one and equal. I commit myself to thus stopping the scientific inquisition character that I have created in separation within and as my mind, and to bring myself back to earth here, as all as one as equal as physical.



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 07 Apr 2019, 19:31

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/04/ ... ction.html

Moment start: The other day at work, when I looked at the delivery board, I saw what appeared to me to be my co-worker taking liberties to change our delivery schedule to accommodate his customers schedule in-spite of mine that was already scheduled in that same time slot. As soon as I perceived this, memories came forth of "how he has done this in the past" and with that an onslaught of thoughts forth like:

"My customer may loose his schedule that I promised him because of this!"
"How can he do this!"
"He has no regard!"
"He just does whatever he wants!"
"He has no right to make changes to the schedule without consulting me!"
"I cannot let this continue without speaking up!"
"He is breaking our code of conduct."
"I cannot allow his insolence and disdain to continue!"
then as a consequence to my participating in these thoughts, emotions came up of:
irritation,
exasperation,
worry (worried that my customer may not get the schedule I promised him),
indignation,
resentment,
rancor,
and vexation.
Becoming emotional, I then marched in to my supervisors office in an effrontery making a complaint against my co-worker. My supervisor, later that morning, addressed the situation with both of us in front of the schedule, and to my chagrin, it was pointed out that it was actually me who had placed my customers schedule in the wrong part of the calendar and that my co-worker had done nothing wrong. My supervisor also pointed out that he noticed my emotional state of which I thought I had concealed. I was further embarrassed and ashamed, even fearful for the sake of my job to a limited extent, as a reaction to that. Moment end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with memories coming up and then react with thoughts about another person in reaction to the memories, all triggered by my seeing what I believed to be a change in schedule done by someone other than me, despite of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these thoughts coming up in my mind to be me. Thoughts such as "How can he do this! (as listed above)", as reactions to memories of this happening before, of which came up in reaction to seeing what appeared to be a schedule change on our scheduling board, and then go into them and be possessed by them, instead of breathing and remaining grounded here as the breath and as the physical, and stepping back as the observer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the past, backchat about this particular point and person in relation to this particular point; and then create, as a consequence, the emotional bodies of irritation, indignation, resentment, disdain, and rancor towards this person and point, all attached to memories of these events that happened in the past. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be possessed by these emotions attached as emotional bodies to these memories, triggered by a symbolically similar or actually similar event. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I have not released myself from my participation in back-chat and emotions from the past, to similar events, with self forgiveness in the moment, or simply applying myself to stop and breathe in the moment, that these past experiences then became encoded and embedded within and as my flesh as "bombs" (memories attached to emotional bodies) waiting for "a trigger" / something similar symbolically or actually, to set them off / set me off. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn myself into an emotional bomb / emotional terrorist because of not taking self-responsibility in past moments to correct myself in self-honesty and stand in my self awareness, as all-as-one-as-equal, when and as I go into the mind, by stopping my mind and my participation therein with self forgiveness and applying myself as the breath, of Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment and rancor towards this person. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges towards this person based on my own backchat in regards to previous events. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these grudges from myself because I want to appear to myself that "I am a good person". Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself with reptilian logic instead of taking self-responsibility to release myself from these opinions and judgments and backchats in the moment when and as they come up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and exasperation to this person and situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react worry and vexation towards this situation. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of survival in regards to this situation. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is fueling and charging worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disapprobation and then self-righteousness towards this person and situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dis-empowered towards this situation because someone appeared to take something from me that I may not be able to control. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go justify myself going into all of these emotions, as listed above, as a way to take my power and control back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with indignation towards this person and event due to my perceiving my treatment to be unfair.
Within all of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become haughty and insolent in my conduct, body language, and words and tone when taking to my superior in regards to this matter. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot control myself because of too much emotional energy and also because it was my "right" to act in this manner because of this "unfair and disrespectful" treatment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then finally react with chagrin when it was finally pointed out to me that it was me who incorrectly scheduled my customer after all. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be careless, negligent, and hasty in my duties and my reviews of things that I have done.
When and as I see myself reacting with memories and / or backchat towards an event or person where I perceive injustice, unfair treatment, disrespect, spite, and contempt towards me (or even another), and / or emotions come up of disdain, annoyance, irritation, anger, rancor, indignation, exasperation, and disapprobation, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that this is all in my mind and that even if it is real-in-fact - that the solution is not to react with back-chat and emotions, but to breathe and remain grounded here in and as the breath and as the physical. Thus, I commit myself to stand in the midst of the storm and remain here grounded as the Rock of Life, breathing.
When and as I see myself becoming emotionally possessed, believing that I have "no choice" but to act out. I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to be possessed emotionally. I commit myself remind myself, in that moment, that I am not required nor is it necessary for me to react emotionally and that this is of the mind and not who I really am of Life. I commit myself to take advantage of the self awareness that I have in the moment, to step in and stand as the breath of Life, instead of reacting when and as I have the chance to do so, in the infinite moment before I act / express. I commit myself to remind myself in the moment that I have to do so that I, as the breath of Life, am always able to be the directive power of me, no matter how strong the emotions may seem. I commit myself to remind myself that emotions only seem to have power in and as the illusion created by the mind.
When and as I see myself going into the experience and feeling of feeling dis-empowered and then wanting to take revenge, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself in that moment that revenge is only the illusion of power and that real power rests in my ability to stand and express one and equal with my self honesty and self awareness - which is to stand as the breath of Life, and express as the "I am" in every moment of breath.
I commit myself to apply self honesty and self forgiveness in the moments throughout my day so that I do not create emotional bodies attached to memories to act as triggers and thus can support myself to remain here in and as the breath in every moment of breath de-bugging the viruses of the mind one by one, breath by breath, until I have re-created my mind as a physical mind that works with equality with what is actually here.



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 09 Apr 2019, 13:09

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2019/04/ ... acter.html

Day 428 - The Persecution Character

Per-se-cu-tion
1. Hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of race or political or religious beliefs.
2. Persistent annoyance or harassment
Relevant synonyms: harassment, hounding, badgering, teasing, bullying

I could have named this article the scientific persecution character or the vaccine persecution character or the political beliefs persecution character because in all of these three areas, I have developed quite a vocabulary and thus seem to cant help but persecute those who do not espouse to my views in these matters, especially on-line.
I could of also named this writing, the Verbal Diarrhea Character, because in essence, all these other characters that I listed above could be included in the acts of verbal diarrhea, although verbal diarrhea covers a broader construct.
I could have called these characters the Bullying Character as well.
Nonetheless, I have realized long ago that none of these characters are supportive and that I must stop. However, I have not yet fully stopped my participation in these characters, although I have improved over time, if that counts for anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the persecution character, especially on-line where I am “safely” behind a computer screen and do not have to face, in the flesh, my “opponent”, and persecute others for their beliefs, especially when it comes to science in general, vaccines, and political beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have been indeed infected with a mind virus of verbal diarrhea that must be purged and corrected and is not supportive in my process or in others. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I speak shit, I manifest shit, and then I experience that shit and that this virus is also contagious and others that I infect experience the same shit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully, harass, badger, hound, tease, and persecute people on-line in regards to their political, religious, eating, or scientific beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a specific vocabulary in regards to defending specific topics, such as vaccines, and then wait for the opportune time to wield this vocabulary on an unwitting opponent with the intention of giving this opponent “a taste of their own medicine” and also with the intention of “standing up for what’s right” which is thus self-righteousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-righteously attack, harass, bully, and persecute another for their political, scientific, religious, or dietary opinion – all areas that I am fairly well versed and rehearsed at.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive a pleasure and thus positive energy experience when going into the persecution character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself that I am standing up for “what is right” or that I am “making an effective change for the better in this world”, through my going into the Persecution Character, when in fact all that I am really doing is charging up my mind consciousness system and my opponents and all those who are reading my bullshit online- of which is just creating a bigger problem and sinking us all deeper into the pit of despair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak or type words with no awareness to what affect my words have on myself or others in regards to the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carelessly and negligently use my words wherein as a consequence I build up my mind consciousness system and others as well, of which supports all the abuse in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support all abuse in this world with the words that I foolishly speak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak as a fool – with no regard for the consequential outflow that my words may produce.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak any words that are of absolute blabbering nonsense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see or hear someone type or speak words defending, especially arrogantly, subjects that I have done a shitload of research in, such as vaccines, various scientific topics, dietary issues, religion, and politics – act as a “trigger” for me to go into the Persecution Character – where the desire exists, within and as me to self-righteously persecute and bully another being – all justified within the point that I am giving them a “taste of their own medicine” - comes up, and then I allow and accept it to consumes me and become me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed and possessed by the Persecution Character, instead of stopping my participation in it by bringing myself back to the breath.
When and as I see myself going into the Persecution Character or see potential triggers, as mentioned above, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to remind myself that this is bullshit and that I am not doing anything whatsoever to aid and support Life, or create a world that is best for all by going into this character. I commit myself to, instead, stand in and as the breath, in oneness and equality, here as the physical and slow down and not communicate at all if I do not have something supportive to say or add.
I commit myself to test my communication by asking the question – does it stand in oneness and equality? Does what I am about to communicate support me and support others equal and one? Or does it influence me as the mind and others in and as the mind, supporting abuse and creating more problems in this world?
I commit myself to only speak words that are straight, direct, statements of who I am and what I stand for, as the living word, of Life, in oneness and equality – so that I can have an effectual outflow, in and as my words, of creating a world that is best for all, where I can support with my words, the manifestation of real equal and one solutions – instead of perpetuating problems with speaking blabbering nonsense.



josh
Posts: 571
Joined: 15 Aug 2011, 02:39

Re: Josh's Journey to Life

Postby josh » 11 May 2020, 02:53

Day 431 – Conspiracy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conspiracies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear restrictions to my freedoms
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being heard. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself the desire to be heard based on this fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being silenced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear digital currency and the potential for enslavement that it can bring with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the social credit score.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the new world order. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a world order that is different than what I have been living in since I was born. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached / self-identified with this current world order. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place positive value in this current world order above life itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear control / to fear being controlled and thereby, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest within and as myself the desire to control others and what they think and perceive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in freedom and then react in fear to the idea of loosing it. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have never really in-fact lived and experienced freedom because all this time I have been enslaved to my mind as energy and never really lived here, free, as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear martial law.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vaccines and fear being vaccinated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authority. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist authority and within that create the illusion of me pictured in my mind as defying authority / as empowered when in fact my resistance is futile as I remained enslaved continuously to the voice in my head and also this world system as a reflection of my inner enslavement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a sheep. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others being sheep and the consequences that being a sheep can bring on us collectively. However, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that this is a self-righteous idea / self-image that is a manifested illusion of me being somehow not as complicit in this manifested reality as it is now because I believe myself to not be a sheep – when in fact, sheep or not, so long as I am a slave to that little voice in my head, I am equally manifesting this current world order equal and one with everyone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brainwashed. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to expose others and being brainwashed within and as a form of spite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the day of the lord AKA that point in time of irreversible consequence when it is too late.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lied to about the shape of the earth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn the shape of the earth from a simple point of self-honest investigation to a point of polarity where I judge others who do not come to the same conclusion as me, and within in this polarity I create and generate energy as characters and personalities which leads to more enslavement, regardless of the shape of the earth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the end of days.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the United Nations and Agenda 2030.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the clever implementation of a global “governance” system under the guise of “saving the planet” orchestrated by the UN of which usurps our ability to govern ourselves as we give up our freedoms to an all powerful sovereign for a feeling of security.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ruled over in secret by a group of satanic pedophiles.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea and belief that “it’s too late” and “there’s not enough time”. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste in inordinate amount of time making excuses and justifications for why I cannot stand up and stop all this insanity within and as myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this onto others and our current time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced to do something and to be restricted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear behavior modification and its potential through technology / technological enslavement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fake science and thus react in anger and disdain towards others who believe to be real the same science that I see as fake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being manipulated by hidden powers by and through fake science and fake statistics, when in fact this is reflection of my enslavement to my own mind as I am currently ruled over by my mind because I have not slowed down enough to see the difference between my illusory digital self as my mind and my real self as a physical being, due to my own apathy and spite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fake religion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear propaganda.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the Nazis
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a false paradigm of reality being presented as real by so-called authorities. Within this, and within the point of “as within / so without” – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a false paradigm within and as myself as my mind as the illusion of my manifested digital personalities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the point of divide and conquer through others creating and presenting false dichotomies and manipulation to me as if it is real, not realizing that I also stand divided and conquered within ans as myself when I live as the mind.
I see, realize, and understand that the world I live in today is a manifested consequence of how I, as all-one, have been living for billions of years, within and as myself, life after life, evolving this reality over time without even realizing it, due to my apathy, spite, and self-interest, to what it is now in its manifested form of and as severe restrictions and severe suffering for most of the world where we are ruled in secret by psychopaths – and that within this I have no one to point a finger at but myself. Thus, I commit myself to perfect and purify my vocabulary and my relationship to words, where I step by step, breath by breath, day by day consistently diffuse, dismantle, and release myself from my digital personalities and thereby recreate myself and birth myself as life as a living physical being as the living example of the solution to what is here. I see, realize, and understand that where we are right now in our current process, with the world the way it is now, that we really may be out of time and that consequence may over take us, but I commit myself to not let that stop me from standing as an example of the real solution to what is here now, and thus pressing through fearlessly, consistently in the remaining time I / we have to change this world for what is best for all - - changing my inner reality into what I desire to see in this outer world, and then eventually also doing my best to be changing this outer world to reflect my inner world as a living being with no mind - where we can all hopefully have real fun equal and one, one day.

https://jprocessr.blogspot.com/2020/05/ ... iracy.html




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