1 - perfectionism
In the past months I've been into the delusion of perfectionism where if I couldn’t communicate something as comprehensive as possible in one presentation then I would rather not even bother. It’s usually taken a while to write something that would seem relatively clear and comprehensive, and consistent posting is one way to begin to force myself beyond this familiar pattern. There is plenty to be said, obviously, so I can't afford to remain in the familiar pattern based on the belief that I never know what to say or when to say it, as if it were a matter of knowing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the reaction of self-hatred within not being as clear, direct and comprehensive as I want to be in the moment, while projecting this idea of myself with the intention to become actualized within that projection, using this to bind myself to the pattern of avoidance. Instead of indulging in the disappointment of not being able to suit up to the desired projection, I embrace who I am within the current capacity to communicate more directly than I ever could while struggling to project myself in such a way.
2 - liberation
This morning I ran through an area of town that I’ve never been before, and it was a lot of fun to explore a new environment in the dark while getting drenched in the rain. One of the points that came to the surface was that of the mental experience of ‘liberation,’ which was created through a combination of endorphins, physical movement, the cool landscape, the early hour, the insects, the dark and the rain. It has been an experience that I reserve as a moment where I feel ‘relatively free,’ implying that I otherwise experience myself as generally ‘bound’ within myself within the limitations of this system. Yet, having the sufficient capacity and facility to able to run is practically an elitist privilege in the context of how human beings can experience themselves in their own current disposition in this world. Anyone should be able to enjoy this if they wanted to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define liberation in terms of self-interest and relative disposition, instead of understanding the difference between enjoying myself and suppressing myself within a self-created experience. While no one is ‘free’ unless all are, ‘liberation’ as an idea and endorphin-based experience is meaningless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being inside a building all day with being ‘bound,’ while many don’t even have a roof over their head, or are otherwise locked up in ‘maximum security’ for being the apparent ‘rejects’ of an abusive system that I participate in. So I take advantage of my own disposition in terms of what is available in order to move through any self-created experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cloud out subtlety through suppressing myself within the creation of an experience within my mind. I remain aware of the reality of myself here as well as the thoughts that cross my mind in order to be specific within self-direction.
3 - reciprocation and detachment
The tendency to remain silent has been a delayed response when I'm listening or reading, then trying to reciprocate with something clear and coherent usually seems like something I’m pressured into, and the result would often be an inaccurate choice of words or what my mind calls nonsense. The experience is of being constantly fed up with this pattern in writing along with as speaking, as well as the entire feedback cycle in relation to this point, and I would use it as a reinforcement and justification for remaining silent.
Being apparently unable to reciprocate in certain moments when it seems appropriate has been a perceived impediment along with the experience of detachment. In noticing the suppression and detachment within myself I want to be the first to criticize myself as if to deprive anyone else of the ‘right’ to do the same. I notice that I’m basically expecting to be misinterpreted through choice of words and overall expression, including silence, bracing and suppressing myself through the maintenance of the whole cycle, while fixating on the perception of it as a problem that I apparently can’t solve, which is essentially trying to limit communication based on the pattern formed from past memories and experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in not knowing where to begin to respond to what I experience, when I am the conversation that I am reading or hearing, and what comes to mind in the moment is my participation to be directed in common sense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted from reality by the experience of it, rather than seeing things as they are and speaking when there is something I have to say, rather than giving in to an experience of pressure to speak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be misinterpreted for being silent, when this is something I obviously have no control over unless I were to manipulate them into interpreting it as something other than what it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my current level of self-suppression and detachment to reality when it is basically the point of the entire process, so I can only begin with myself here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being too detached to reciprocate or respond in a way that is appropriate for the specific points that are addressed. I see the experience of pressure for what it is, and I use breathing as the focal point rather than forcing nonsense out of myself in order to fill the apparent blank of expectation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that an experience of emotional detachment implies impotence as a participant in this reality, which is based on comparison and self-experience, when we are equal in the same basic disposition.
I continue and follow through with developing within direct communication without fixation on the mind experience of reality or the belief that I need to prove myself to anyone.
4 - discomfort
The state of memory-based discomfort and self-loathing is an unconscious pattern of suppression and distraction that I created to identify myself with as if to immunize or detach myself from what I would perceive as an outside threat, based on memories of abuse as well as the failure to suit up to the idea of myself as having somehow transcended the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am without the false security of discomfort as an idea that I would use to bind myself in a state of distrust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with discomfort in order to avoid the aspects of myself that I might find uncomfortable anyway.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use discomfort as a means of participation in the pointlessness of suffering worldwide, while detaching myself from it through existing within my own mind experience of discomfort.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate comfortability with weakness and inertia, therefore to be compensated for with a regular fix of endorphins and caffeine as if to preserve myself indefinitely as an idea of strength and future-projected potential.
I forgive myself for conditioning myself to indulge in my own discomfort as a comfort zone in itself without considering what discomfort or anxiety I am avoiding from moment to moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on the surface of discomfort without investigating the origin within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I’m unable to focus or direct myself unless there is a point of discomfort that I can use as a reference to remain ‘grounded’ within the mind, yet supposedly here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an experience of discomfort out of fear of being numb and going into a state of inertia and uselessness, without realizing how I will only manifest what I try to avoid and suppress.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that discomfort is a prerequisite for awareness, instead of remaining aware of my own breath as the focal point of this reality that I participate in.
I embrace the focal point of breath as the awareness of the simplicity of all that I am that doesn’t require the energetic fix of discomfort as an experience in order to exist, and I embrace the physicality of myself and others in my environment without distracting myself with the preservation of an idea of who I must be within the impracticality of self-abuse.