Scott's Journey to Life

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scott
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 30 Dec 2012, 04:35

84 - power trip music 2
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2012/ ... sic-2.html

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have remained addicted to a delusion of empowerment within familiarity through the adoption of music that I ‘like,’ while defining, cultivating and diminishing myself in relationship to this list of preferences that mean nothing other than that I have been existing as a mind that responds to certain stimuli in the form of recorded music, through which I have tried to adapt myself to my environment mentally and delusionally instead of physically and self-honestly, attempting to substitute direct reality with the mental filters under the influence of a recorded product.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself within the fixation on patterns of image and sound, while diminishing myself as a listener/consumer of the recorded production of human beings who thrive in this world by projecting something larger than life to which I would respond by indulging in the fantasy of somehow being in the process of designing myself as larger than life, yet never able to achieve this carrot on a stick that doesn’t exist in physical reality in any other form beyond the acquisition of money and the acceptance of self as a character in a hierarchy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate recorded music with anything other than what it is, mythologizing it into something with which I can use to systematically/mechanically shape and sculpt the multi-dimensions of characters I believe and perceive myself to be, while trying to passively outrun the reality of who I am as one human being among many, as a participant in the world system, creating and perpetuating war within myself, addicted to insecurity and fighting for limitations – without seeing how this contributes to the current manifestation on the ‘macrocosmic’ level of earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the distraction of trivial associations of recorded music such as the character/charisma of the human beings who made/recorded it, while secretly analyzing myself in the back of my mind according to their beliefs, perceptions, experiences, opinions, projections, personas - within this, diminishing myself as an inferior persona based on the perception that the limitation of who a human being is the character cultivated from birth under the influence of the respective environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge whether something is ‘worth listening to’ from the perspective of how well it conforms within the boundaries of self-religious diminishment into a multi-dimensional set of images and ideas, within which I struggle to maintain a limited expression of life in order to create an experience of security and strength within a self-detonating hierarchy of worthless values that could never stand the test of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willfully ignore the reality that the motivation of profit, status and security is basically just as present within the music/product that I would define as worth listening to and identifying with as it is within something that that I would judge as cheap.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of disappointment, depression and self-loathing in association with such relationships of attachment toward particular bands/products, as these memories related to bands, songs, the year the album was released, who I believed myself to be at the time, who I wanted to become in the future, relationships with people and places at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within resentment toward cultural conditioning when my own reaction to it is the self-created enduring effect, within fear of being inextricably interwoven with the social model promoted through public indoctrination and mainstream culture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mythologize recorded music into an idea that is greater than life while diminishing myself accordingly, thus developing a habit of seeking an external form of energy and experience that is entirely self-created within the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in judgment of a culture as if to outrun my self-created insecurity in my relationship to it, thus inadvertently supporting this polarity within myself as a means to keep myself suppressed and distracted from reality with the energy required to maintain the image of who I am in my mind as burdened by an atmosphere of what I arbitrarily perceive as cheap music, while maintaining such a generalized blanket judgment of the human beings in this area based on this perception derived from what I believe myself to know about how the world works, how we are conditioned, and how we proceed to program ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on the point of reaction toward a mind-made atmosphere of brainwashing and propaganda with cookie-cutter models of perception, which I’ve participated in through the reaction of self-created anxiety within an experience of being interwoven with and bound to stereotypes in a tacit collective agreement of self-distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the definition/limitation of who I am within the self-created experience of intolerance and physical constriction for what I have defined myself within a love-to-hate relationship toward human beings as ‘the masses’ instead of seeing others as they are without the character-preserving filters, as well as out of fear of this aspect of myself that I’ve devoted so much energy into separating myself from within fear of loss of who I have believed myself to be as a character in this world.



scott
Posts: 260
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 01 Jan 2013, 07:56

85 - power trip music 3
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2012/ ... sic-3.html

When and as I see myself in the moment wanting a fix of some recorded product that I’ve heard many times over that I’ve allowed to ‘grow on me,’ I stop myself in the awareness of how I have defined myself in relationship to a product in order to create a product of myself within the belief that I need to cultivate something within myself based what I’ve judged to be cool in relationship to what others in their minds have defined as cool, to feel secure in the mind as an image from one transitory self-created experience to the next without questioning who I am in relationship to this world in its entirety beyond the ‘security’ of tunnel vision fixation.

When and as I see myself actively seeking a familiar mindset through the aid of some prerecorded product from the starting point of wanting to further cultivate a self-image within an experience of empowerment, I stop myself within the awareness of the design of self in response to the perception of how others have designed themselves and how the reaction and experience of myself in relationship to them is self-created and has no meaning or function other than according to tacit social mind-fucks that consume time and life.

When and as I see myself in the moment of self-diminishment as a listener/consumer of a prerecorded product of which I create the perception of a soundscape that is larger than life itself, which would serve within the idea of it being a battery to psyche myself or reload a state of mind that would be required in order to face other people, or to escape the moment within which I would perceive myself as inert, lacking inspiration or in some way less than life, I stop within awareness that life isn’t something to be surpassed by projected interpretations of power that cease to exist with the body’s death, having served no purpose in this existence other than to consume, distract and suppress.

When and as I see myself wanting to outrun my own interpretation and self-created experience of physical reality through seeking a fix of some particular prerecorded product to manipulate myself into a physiological high, easily accessible on my phone that was made by someone I’ve never met on the other side of the planet whose life experience has been restricted to slavery, I stop within the awareness that the limitations that I have fought for within myself as a sense of security have contributed to nothing but the limitations of someone, somewhere else - within this, the only practical source of inspiration is breathing itself, the experience of music isn’t something to be carried so far away with so as to allow further suppression, separation, polarity that manifests as the inability to be able to afford or enjoy anything within the experience of life.

When and as I see myself contemplating the people who made the music, the charisma/persona they’ve projected in the form of images and performance, the beliefs/opinions they’ve expressed, I stop within the awareness of the diversion from reality that I would be imposing, how I would be limiting my own expression to the pretense of being under the influence of the beliefs, opinions, charisma, images, expression of another on a stage of mass-projection within which I would diminish myself from the interpretation of this as larger than life in the petty terms of human hierarchy and superior to who I am as life, instead of looking at these projections without judgment within the context of exposing dishonesty, projection and power games for what they are through my own experience.

When and as I see myself contemplating the boundaries of acceptability in the design of my self-religion, in terms of what is or isn’t compatible with who I imagine myself to be, I stop within the understanding that limiting the expression of who I am as someone who listens to music is something that makes no practical sense, as there is no real strength that exists within the context of such a worthless value system that I would otherwise eventually define myself within till death without ever having challenged within myself.

When and as I see myself contemplating or defining myself within the context of some prerecorded music that I’ve associated with specific memories according to the band, the time period, related circumstances, who I believed myself to be or wanted to become, relationships and so on, I stop myself within the process of analysis of false memories that I have warped through selective perception, and ground myself back to the current physical reality and who I am in relationship to recorded music within the context of self-honest introspection in terms of how solving the mess of this world begins with myself.

When and as I see myself within my defiant and silent accusatory relationship to the omnipresence of popular music and culture, I stop within awareness of how I have perpetuated this polarity through the design and limitation of myself as the character that acquires a sense of superiority of seeing through the stereotypes and cultural clichés for the collective diversion and suppressive function that they may serve, meanwhile remaining fixated on the definition of myself as in opposition to such conditioning to stop within this self-created irritation toward recorded music that is supposed to energetically inspire and animate the mind like a battery while enabling each one to define and limit self through ‘freedom’ to interpret who they are in relationship to patterns of image and sound that are used as suppressants from experiencing the physical reality of what is actually here.



scott
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 03 Jan 2013, 10:20

86 - power trip music 4
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2013/ ... sic-4.html

I commit to awareness of physical sound within the process of a group of instruments played by human beings, recorded and mixed in a room somewhere, packaged as a product to be bought or downloaded to be received through the eardrum through some modern device made on the other side of the earth through economic slavery and non-renewable resources, then interpreted through the filters of the mind of the listener as the deliberate manipulation of sound to create an experience which would have become used as a psychological means of self-dishonesty when perceived as a means of psyching oneself up or anything other than what it is in physical reality.

I commit to the understanding that recorded music doesn’t require to be interpreted as anything other than what it physically is, in whatever form it’s presented and projected through, and that any reaction or experience that I could create within myself has no practical function regardless of the human belief and reason that the experience/possession of the listener ‘completes the circuit’ of the artform, which tends to lead one away from what the physical response to music is in the moment by turning it into a mysterious larger-than-life idea of worshiping energetic reactions that self-created, whether it’s the person who is recorded while playing the instrument in a room or the person listening to the completed production through a modern digital audio player.

I commit to the awareness of contemporary slavery as how human beings are born into the bondage of having to earn a living by remaining hunched over at a table in a sweatshop assembling digital audio players for human beings who are born into a more comfortable situation of being able to enjoy the finished products of extreme economic slave labor, traditionally using them as a means of mental escapism, inspiration, or imaginary self-empowerment, none of which is real or serves a purpose beyond distraction and suppression through the universal interpretation of music as something greater than what it physically is.

I commit to the reinterpretation of music as what it physically is, particularly in the form it is recorded, packaged and presented in, rather than indulging in the secretive mythologizing of music along with any associated imagery and charismatic context as something larger than life, as the physical reaction to music is an expression in a moment and not an external source that could ever enable me begin to solve anything as could be approached through unconditionally honest writing.

I commit to following through with the developing my awareness of what is taking place in the world in moments where I would rather satisfy the yearning to bury my head in the sand of self-image within music as a means of escapism and deliberate spite as a self-created power trip as catharsis, suppression, layering of self-deceit as if to cultivate and maintain an idea of myself in relationship to music instead of grounding myself in the same physical reality with the device on which the music is played.

I commit to deconstruct and dissect who I have designed myself to be in relationship to music, as the layers of larger-than-life self-image based on digital audio compression and the flavors of music that are created through the minds of human beings within the limitations of the mind itself in the current system within which I have defined myself to seek asylum from self-definition, without seeing the irony in this deliberate layering of suppression/character before stopping myself within the time-loop of worthless imaginary power.



scott
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 06 Jan 2013, 13:42

87 - seeking empowerment through desensitization
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2013/ ... rough.html

Hor’ror (hor’ər) n. 1, a painful emotion of fear or abhorrence; an intense aversion. 2, that which excites such a feeling. [Derived from Latin horrere, to stand on end (as hair), presumably from fear.] (The New American Webster Handy College Dictionary, Fourth Edition)

The graphic depiction of horrific things happening to characters on a motion picture screen would be the catalyst for me to react by hiding around the corner as a child, but eventually I developed the perception of it as an obstacle of superficial fear that had to be somehow overcome or ‘conquered’ within my mind. From there, I began to immerse myself in it to some extent, not to the point of any extreme fanaticism, but enough so that I could create an entire archive of disturbing scenes of all kinds to play and replay in my mind, so as to trump the familiar patterns of reality with my imagination while ‘inspired’ by this particular branch of media.

This process was about deliberate self-suppression and desensitization of my own experience that I had begun creating as depressive self-loathing and resentment that coincided with puberty, of course, and within this I had become more reticent through seeing myself and my disposition in comparison and contrast to the dispositions of other children in my neighborhood, at school, on the television screen, and believing that I had been cheated out of what I perceived as a more ‘genuine’ family system within which I saw myself as having been under the virtual influence of this kind of apparent disingenuous and insincere heredity. The impression I associated with this was that of having been drafted into a shitty existence, and that the adults should all be held responsible somehow.

Within seeing my own sensitivity as a weakness that had to be overcome in order to adapt and overcome the defense mechanisms that grew out of abuse, I decided that my favorite kind of media was anything that represented identification with death or the unknown, because I wanted to erase my child identity completely. And that process seemed to justify my own brief life experience that I recognized in some way, that I couldn’t really articulate at the time, as having been unprepared for whatever unknown fate was waiting for me in the world of ‘responsible adulthood.’ At times I wanted to attribute some of this to rejecting my father through the association of him with the smell of alcohol, along with useless sarcasm and insults as well as occasional physical abuse. I would continue to entertain thoughts of vindication for this, of course, just as I did for specific other people as I learned how to tap into this part of my imagination where I could entertain boundless fantasies of what I would do to so-and-so if I could get away with it.

There were several approaches to this self-manipulation, none of which really had any practical significance other than to continue to reinforce and cultivate the layers of characters of who I would see myself as in relationship to everyone else. Among other things, this included the specific fascination with the ‘horror’ culture that has been defined as playing on - or catering to - the primal fears of human beings, especially that of the unknown, and some common motifs include blood and viscera, dark rooms, superstition/curses, isolation, graphic depiction of torture, running naked through the woods, hiding in a closet, charismatic/supernatural killers, sharp objects, framing the context of things that people can intimately relate from a perspective that’s meant to disturb, and so on. It’s argued that there are aspects of the horror genre that can serve some alleged purpose as far as provoking people to look at participation in life from a more humbled perspective. This has sometimes been my justification as well, for the sake of feeling intelligent about it instead of being honest in admitting that I am in reality taking the whole point of primal fear and trivializing it to no end for the sake of satisfying that part of the mind that wants to identify with the oppressor or the source of the fear as if to overcome it within my mind when, realistically, no such introspection would ever really occur.

The horror fix can be achieved through watching the depiction of something to the effect of characters in the process of having their worlds turned upside-down and inside-out by some elusive, dominating antagonist. What is the fascination with watching horrific things happen to other human beings? Maybe it’s the sense of empowerment within identifying with the oppressor/abuser, or something erotic about fear, bondage, and the image of blood. Maybe there is a desire to identify with the stimulus of motion-picture ‘horror’ in itself, to become a connoisseur of whatever is intended to disturb, to be the god of one’s own imagination while cultivating a self-image through deliberate desensitization and detachment from reality or the horror inflicted in this world by human beings, i.e., willful ignorance.

My own experience of it has been that of following the curiosity to see how I react within myself toward each presentation wherein the death scenes themselves tend to be the ‘mindgasms’ while everything else would essentially be foreplay for this, beyond any trivial justification. The self-inflicted experience of confronting something like this would be the heroin injection into the mind that would seem to place the familiarity of how I generally experience myself in my world into an imaginary context, where the usual arbitrary definition of bullshit is less of a bother when there is a new scene that I have now imprinted into my mind as a convenient distraction from physical reality to chew on.

What I am looking at while watching the depiction of mutilation and death amongst characters on a glowing screen in a dark room is myself, while the reality is that of a human being suppressing their own mind in the attempt to avoid directly facing the self within the characters and the consequences of willful ignorance. Sometimes the philosophical pretense of ‘expanding human consciousness’ is used as the justification for the existence of things like this, but the obvious point in that is that consciousness doesn’t need to be expanded as much as directed so that we no longer require the mental masturbatory fix of seeing characters depicted as mutilated and killed in an eternal variety of graphic scenarios for a passive audience of secret minds.



scott
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 09 Jan 2013, 03:16

88 - seeking empowerment through desensitization 2
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2013/ ... rough.html

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the presentation of horror as a cultural construct to distract myself from the physical reality of who I have allowed myself to become within a self-created state of insecurity wherein I would believe that I have nothing to do with the way things are if they are the consequences of those who came before - within this, maintaining a spiteful and willfully ignorant grudge with no solution to anything, while seeing how I have become like the irresponsible characters that I have judged and diminished within the imagined security of my mind, instead of stopping the cycle within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the deliberate self-spite of indulging in images of suffering played-out and enacted by characters within a screenplay and allowing this to filter into my own identity/idea of myself as a character in relationship to the physicality of other human beings as something vulnerable that can be easily broken and diminished as images of what they physically are, thus distracting myself within this projection of my own fear and the desire to cultivate a sense of security in the midst of the circumstances of this reality that I live and breathe in, ignoring the consequences of deliberate participation in a secret sado-masochistic mindset to the point where I would allow myself to become as culpable as the object of my own initial reaction of disgust toward abuse in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell on the surface of my reactions toward/within my own projected concepts and imagery of living beings as characters that are fragile and easily broken, and within this, dwelling on these reactions toward intense suffering through deliberate abuse, dwelling on the the surface of reaction toward the idea of the loss of life as a character, detaching myself from the physical reality of both physical life and death and who I am within this process of existence for the sake of whatever sense of ‘security’ or ‘catharsis’ could be found within the mental masturbation of creating and dwelling on the surface of energetic reactions in my mind toward projected ideas/images of suffering and diminishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the idea of myself as a fucked-up character of a human being as if to justify my own self-judgment and insecurity as well as secret and unarticulated contempt within the elusive orientation of my relationship to others that I would preserve and cultivate within my mind in order to find security within my own interpretation of the diagnosis of schizophrenia, as permission to abdicate responsibility within existing as an unconventional, childlike and defensive character who believes himself to be too warped and inviolate to be fucked with by any external influence, thus ‘secure’ within the experience of a mutilated self-image as a defense mechanism toward self-created anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an inviolate self-image within my relationship to other human beings while avoiding the physical reality of who I am in this relationship through deliberate self-spite of seeking nonexistent strength within the wasted attempt to root out my own reaction toward flesh, blood and bone as an idea in separation of who I physically am in relationship with my body as breathing air and circulating blood on its own without trivializing it into something absurd for the sake of adapting to an elusive self-image, longing to feel secure within relationship to a perceived cultural/collective mindset according to fear of how I would experience myself toward potentially abusive characters that could ever possibly be confronted in the course of a day, thus cultivating within myself an internal conversation of secret perversity and sarcasm to brace myself for such a future-projected moment that never comes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek inspiration through the deliberate spite of reality, of wanting to figuratively hollow myself out in order to supposedly establish a new platform within myself on which I could place myself as above my own fears instead of facing them directly, while the strength that I would perceive within such an idea of emptiness is no more sustainable than any other kind of energy that self as a character can conceive of in terms of comparison and judgment, but dependent on and in support of this cut-throat system just the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that inventing a process of suppressing my own identity is possible without continuing to create layers based on the same resonance of and relationship to childhood, and creating characters of myself that would be devoted to the futility of trying to escape who I have perceived and judged myself to have been as vulnerable and pretentious, thus equating an idea of being hollow and empty with that of strength and 'self-mastery,' when the idea comes from the point of wanting to insulate myself within the cultivation of the elusive character that I would want to exist as in relationship to the characters that I have judged as other people, instead of facing myself within this relationship directly.



scott
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 12 Jan 2013, 06:38

89 - seeking empowerment through desensitization 3
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2013/ ... rough.html

When and as I see myself indulging in images of contempt and vindication, I see how I have tried to deliberately desensitize myself within this projection/experience through the use of media references such as what is presented as horror in culture, or anything meant to entertain and profit from the mental fix of vicarious vindication and escape into warped fantasy, and I stop within seeing that the projected self-image of contempt is both inner-directed and self-consuming, as the indulgence of ‘loving to hate’ implies self-dishonesty within lack of a solution to anything beyond the diminishment of self as the image of this useless idea of empowerment.

When and as I see myself dwelling on reactions toward and within my own perceived ideas and images of human beings as suffering characters that are easily broken physically and mentally, I see how I have used this to deliberately suppress and desensitize myself in relationship to the physicality of human beings and the consequences that we share responsibility for, so I stop myself within this detachment and escapism toward some elusive sense of security and catharsis that amounts to basically suppression, willful ignorance, and separation from other human beings as myself through diminishing us into characters less than life for the sake of creating some experience of empowerment.

When and as I see myself indulging in the idea of myself within the socially convenient diagnosis of schizophrenia in order to justify my own self-judgment and reactions toward memories in relation to my environment as the world that I’ve tried to separate from myself, I see how so much of the process of self-suppression has been focused on cultivated an idea of myself as inviolate in relation to the reflection of myself in other human beings, so I stop within the defense mechanism of desensitization and avoidance of myself through the effort to replace my initial reactions with something ‘out of the box’ from the mind’s systematic perspective through the reflexive self-conditioned distraction of visceral thought patterns to avoid the reality of who I am in relationship to the physicality of other human beings.

When and as I see myself seeking inspiration through deliberate willful ignorance, spite and diminishment cloaked in a projection of inviolate self-mastery in relation to the physicality of others and myself as human beings in the attempt to feel secure within a process of identifying myself within ideas of human suffering and experience of vindication associated with the characters I’ve bound others as myself to in my mind, I see how this insecurity and cultivated image of myself as inviolate and empty has been the self-conditioned defense mechanism against self-created anxiety toward the unknown, of not knowing what to expect from one moment to the next with human beings, so I stop within the mental act of layering and suppressing myself as this inviolate character that is supposedly the empty mirror in relationship to future-projected conflict, and remain grounded in order to be the point of direct communication amidst the trivia that has been an aspect of myself that I have been so devoted to wasting energy within moments in order to avoid my own reflection instead of facing and exposing it for what it is.

When and as I see myself indulging in imagery that is inspired through media references that are intended to disturb, I see how I have created this sado-masochistic distraction from physical reality within myself in terms of the diminishment of life as something that is easily wasted through acts of deliberate abuse and cruelty within the idea of vindication, as if to justify who I am in relation to memories in order to overcome/suppress the fears within a platform self-definition as abused, oppressed, and stifled, so I stop within recognizing the consequences of deliberate participation and self-indulgence in relation to images of humans portraying characters that confront mortality in virtually endless scenarios with the extent of their function to serve as pointless visceral memes to entertain the mind.



scott
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 16 Jan 2013, 06:50

90 - seeking empowerment through desensitization 4
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2013/ ... rough.html

I commit to exposing the kinds of cryptic projections and existential trivia that I would keep to myself in the intention of deliberately desensitizing myself thus gaining some virtual psychological leverage against the very ideas and concepts I had formulated and limited myself to in my mind in relationship to ‘other people’ that I have defined myself within as prone to judgment and diminishment of the character(s) I have sought to defend while nurturing and cultivating them in the secrecy of my mind to disqualify myself as being too dysfunctional to participate in what I have perceived as the games people play in the collective mind, instead redefining strength as standing up to the roots of all bullshit that I have avoided within reflections of myself.

I commit to the study and exposure of who I have believed myself to be within physicality and the physical state of this world as well as the understanding of trivial interpretation and perceptual filters under the influence and self-possession of what passes for entertainment in this system - from which I believed on some level that the selection of influences of character/expression is among the closest things to free choice that exists – thus preserving myself in a state of diminishment and distraction from reality for the sake of maintaining an illusion of security and power that is physically self-consuming, without considering that I could still exist without such systematic ‘inspiration.’

I commit to the study and exposure of what I’ve invested in as the images and concepts of mental disorder within myself, as the self-inflicted abdication of responsibility and justification for the secrecy of sado-masochistic self-images and harboring of self-possession/consumption while seeking for power and security through self-deceit within the struggle for the limited shelf-life of ‘mind over matter’ as a common thread among all self-religions, collective delusions and existential abstractions/distractions from physicality.

I commit to the study and exposure of who I am within the process of identification with images and the self-created reactions I have linked with them in order to clarify the distinction between who I physically become and who I have sought to become in relationship to the images and characters I have made of others for the sake of maintaining an idea of security and empowerment that is the deaf, dumb and blind self-consumption that I have defined myself according to as the accuser in separation of, without seeing or recognizing myself within it.

I commit to the study and exposure of the perceptual filters that I have cultivated as an intended virtual ‘dominion’ of tunnel vision in order to avoid seeing myself and reality directly, maintaining a self-image that specifically seeks desensitization in order to create the experience of security and power that only ‘ebbs and flows’ within a context of self-parasitical energy wasted on this confused sense of priority of exaggerating pet issues out of proportion to physicality, feeding with contempt and placing them above life itself, as self-images above self-honesty, instead of forgiving and aligning with the physical nature of the perceived ‘objects of contempt,’ evoking this self-image as unforgiving, indisputable, and inviolate while there is obviously nowhere to hide from myself in this moment of existence.



scott
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby scott » 19 Jan 2013, 23:18

91 - the mask of silent observation
http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/2013/ ... ation.html

Yesterday I dreamt of a young woman who is supposedly about to die even though she seems perfectly healthy, but I am part of this group of about four people, including the woman and myself, going around the town in separate vehicles, acting out a charade of collecting and transporting things that are somehow in relation to the logistics of her funeral. One of the vehicles is a truck, driven by my brother, with a trailer attached to it upon which we place the things we’re collecting.

The main interactive moment of this dream is in a parking lot, and I find a magazine that features some random celebrity on it and, as a joke, ask the woman if we should put this image on her tombstone, and it gets a good laugh. But the mood within all this is very suppressed and nonverbal, like everyone is following through with this mechanically, while the woman’s projection of bland aloofness and passivity is like a different dimension of how I experience myself as following along with the charade of whatever elusive concepts have become culturally rigid or sacred to the adult mind as unwritten rules that are not to be questioned. After this moment in the parking lot, we each get into our vehicles and follow my brother down the road, at which point I am in the familiar experience of driving, which is neurologically hardwired into my mind by now, which can also mean that my mind has formed a set of rigid patterns in such a state.

I wanted to interact with the woman about this, because if I don’t then we will remain in this kind of phantom limbo where we are too numb and suppressed to articulate anything, and the pattern will continue indefinitely unless I decide to be the asshole who breaks the spell, which in this dream I don’t, so we follow through with the motions of preparing a funeral for a young and healthy human being who also doesn’t appear to have anything to say about it either. It seemed that my joke about placing the image of the celebrity on the tombstone is the same basic joking character I have used often in 'waking life' to break the ice with people about the things that nobody ever talks about, since humor seems to be the most effective portal for interjecting common sense into virtually any form of relationship of interaction including silence. It’s also interesting how I’ve judged my projection of that humor as fake, pretentious, and out-of-character.

The town in this dream is inactive, like a ghost town, which is what I have preferred as the only way I can delude myself into enjoying life within what seem to be the reasonable boundaries of this character of passive contempt. It’s essentially the same as everyone else that has been in the tacit process of deliberate and discreet collective self-desensitization that shouldn’t be that difficult to put into words, but it might seem unlikely to get much feedback in verbal form other than through the deindividuation of faceless insults and profanity, which would be the justification for the right to remain as useless as a dead skin mask and just allow things to happen.

Within and as an environment that reinforces such rigid thought patterns, it’s as though I’ve allowed myself to become more anxious from one year to the next with the awareness of the mechanics of what this system is that I’m a part of. A lot of this suppressed anxiety has been channeled into obsessive physical maintenance, while other wasted moments have been related to not knowing exactly what I’m supposed do, as if I require instructions, just like the indoctrinated tendency for human beings to go through life following orders. That would summarize the justification for a state of silent observation, of apparently not knowing how to even begin to articulate the obvious points that everyone apparently must see but hesitates or refuses to put to words because that would break the tradition of indisputable, unwritten rules by writing down and exposing it for the brainwash that it is, not as judgment and not without referencing myself, but to make it as clear as possible so that there can be no mistake.



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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby Anna » 21 Jan 2013, 07:36

the woman’s projection of bland aloofness and passivity is like a different dimension of how I experience myself as following along with the charade of whatever elusive concepts have become culturally rigid or sacred to the adult mind as unwritten rules that are not to be questioned.
Yes. I can for sure relate to this one.

Very cool realizations Scott.

Thanks for sharing.



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Cathy
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Re: Scott's Journey to Life

Postby Cathy » 21 Jan 2013, 17:05

When and as I see myself in the moment of self-diminishment as a listener/consumer of a prerecorded product of which I create the perception of a soundscape that is larger than life itself, which would serve within the idea of it being a battery to psyche myself or reload a state of mind that would be required in order to face other people, or to escape the moment within which I would perceive myself as inert, lacking inspiration or in some way less than life, I stop within awareness that life isn’t something to be surpassed by projected interpretations of power that cease to exist with the body’s death, having served no purpose in this existence other than to consume, distract and suppress.
Cool support Scott - Thanks




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