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Day 598 - That's Not The Response I Was Expecting
Yesterday I went to talk with my neighbor. I have been more active in my apartment and wanted to make sure I was not bothering her as she lives below me.
So, an interesting thing happened while talking to her. After asking her if she could hear me more and if it was bothering her, I see/realize/understand that I had expected/anticipated her to answer in a certain way. When she answered differently, I found myself 'trying' to manipulate the situation/her response to actualize what I 'thought' she should say.
As, I became aware of what I was doing, where I was actually talking 'at her' instead of 'to her'. I immediately breathed and slowed down within myself. I then stopped talking and really looked at her and listened to what she had to say. So my actions showed me that I had a 'hidden agenda' and that my 'good will' was really just a cover-up for self-interest/self-validation, from a starting point of 'seeing' myself as the 'good neighbor', looking for approval outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'pride' myself on being a good neighbor, coming from a starting point of a positive energy mind experience, instead of seeing/realizing that being a good neighbor is not an experience of the mind, requiring positive feedback, but an actual, physical expression of doing what is best for all in every moment, breathing, being present, so as to take into consideration all aspects of one's physical surroundings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate a conversation to reach an imaginary conclusion that I had created in my mind before I even had the conversation in real time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really listen to another, but, in fact, talk 'at' someone, instead of 'to' someone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself when I did not receive the response I was looking for, not realizing that I actually had a 'hidden agenda' before I ever started this conversation and that I reacted because I was coming from a starting point of self-interest, looking for approval outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to come across as being considerate and a good neighbor, yet I see/realize/understand that living those qualities are such that I can ask myself, that I can check for myself and that I do not need validation/acceptance from another, as that must come from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, while talking with my neighbor, tense up when not given the response I was expecting, actually seeing that I was holding my breath in anticipation of what I 'thought' she would say, thus feeling tense when her words were not the words I had envisioned in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look within myself before starting a conversation, making sure there was no movement within me and that my starting point was clear and I was stable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead anticipate a sort of lift within myself, when being validated for my 'good neighbor' intentions, as sort of a pat on the back from another in separation of myself and another as myself, instead of looking at the situation myself, making sure that I was doing everything physically possible to be considerate of another thereby not seeking a positive energy fix for my mind.
When and as I see myself experiencing myself as the 'good neighbor', thus in separation of myself, seeking approval outside of myself, I stop and I breathe, I bring myself back here, in real time, to myself, attending to the immediate task at hand, in specificity, calm and stable, supporting myself and thus supporting others as myself.
When and as I am seeking to have a conversation with another, I stop and I breathe, I look inside myself and make sure that I am clear and stable, thereby not trying to manipulate the conversation to an imagined outcome, just being present, communicating with another in real time, really listening to another, making eye contact, sharing of myself and accepting and allowing another to share themselves, their words, their point of view.