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Day 161 : Revenge – You will see
I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.
The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.
I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.
The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.
The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.
Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.
I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.
Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.
When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.
Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.
I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.
Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.
Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.
When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.
The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.
I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.
By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.
I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.
This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.