Juraj's Journey to Life

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Juraj Varga
Posts: 231
Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 20:20

Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 13 Jan 2013, 15:48

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/01/ ... f-all.html

Day 154 : Thinking is root cause of all problems

As I started to realize years ago what thoughts really are, as deception of self, as that what has been programmed and created to enslave human being, and therefore myself, I became interested of living without a thoughts within me, and thus I start to apply breathing, self forgiveness and I have to say, at the beginning of my process, the amount of thoughts within me has been so extensive, that it seems to me that to stop all of them is simply impossible.

But it is possible, and even is possible to be, exist, live, move without a thought in the head. Therefore question is, what the thoughts really represent, if one is able to exist without? What is the purpose of thoughts, if those thoughts can be stopped, released and let go, simply, all of them. Who remain if all thoughts are released?

Then who we are as beings, if we are not able to recognize the simplicity of living without a thoughts, therefore being, existing, expressing ourselves as who we really are as beings without being directed with such deception as thoughts represent?

As I became aware of me breathing, and focusing on my breath, interesting points I started to realize in regards of thoughts, that I became aware exactly which thoughts directs me, within situation, what thoughts are part of me, and at the beginning I had tendency to judge some thoughts and thus suppress them and do not want to look on those which showed me what is also part of me.

As I stopped to judge my own thoughts, and became aware that those thoughts are all equal, no matter how those or that thought can look, it is simply a thought, nothing else, nothing more.

After a certain period, I realized that this thoughts which repeats by itself, have specific structure, pattern, and thus the thoughts simply are not random, even if this can look that way. Why, when and which thought pops up in my head, had specific structure, as patterns connecting to each other, therefore like small programs keeping running in my head, and thus I was just follower of this small programs.

But as I started to stop those thoughts, I start to face specific problem, and that was the trust, believe in my own back chat, as this believe has been so strong that to break this looked really being impossible, as this back chat had tendency to came back over and over at the beginning almost in each situations I moved within environment, and thus years ago I faced interesting point, when I realized that I can’t trust this back chat, as simply I faced the point of me, when nothing of my own back chat matched reality, therefore that just showed me how deceptive in nature back chat is.

After some period, the back chat start to emerge again and I started to hear that back chat as I fall in believe that maybe possibly this is who me is, and the nature of back chat became simply different. After specific period, as I started to walk my process more fast in meaning, applying breath more effectively, writing more often, applying sf more, and developed trust in self forgiveness, I start to face the root cause of my biggest believes, strongest perceptions and ideas about myself, in meaning, my own self interest.

And my own self interest I started to see, realize and understood what this really is, was the biggest problem I faced, as the self interest is energy. I started to see and realize how I defined myself through the energy I required for myself, and within this interesting points emerged for myself to see and realize, that the positive energy I had tendency to perceive I look for, was not the cause of my own self interest, even this can look that way, but in fact my own self definitions as negative was the points I wanted and required for myself, and the positive was just balance of negative and deception to not see what are parts of me as negative.

Therefore I started to see and realize, that what I was living as fear, and existing in and as fear as the definition of me towards this energy, thus that I let my mind to direct myself to get this experience as fear. And therefore the fear was that what I required for myself and all derivatives of this fear, in perception and believe that this energy I get is simply me living me, but it was never so.

Other layers of fear had been mostly not understood, recognized and seen by me, as mostly I misplaced the experience I had and thought it is something good, nice, and positive, that what I like, but again it was fear.

As I started to walk the points of fear, to see and realize how I trapped myself in energy experiences of fear, another suppressed points start to emerge day by day, always linked to specific back chats from past or present, and thus always I got to the point of seeing, that root cause was my own thoughts and fear I lived.

Fear by itself, was basic platform of every energy experience I had. Thus fear as energy has been simply the point of self interest as well, as fear as energy experience is in fact only energy experience humans live. Yes there are many believes it is not so, that all other energy experiences are something else, nice, positive, but going deeper to this experiences, one always find the fear as basic platform of this.

Therefore, thoughts by itself are representation of fear, and fear is that what directs humans, because of fear of themselves, ourselves, as who we are, because we separated from ourselves, through fear.

Thanks, Juraj

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Juraj Varga
Posts: 231
Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 20:20

Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 25 Jan 2013, 23:55

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/01/ ... error.html

Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

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Juraj Varga
Posts: 231
Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 20:20

Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 26 Jan 2013, 21:00

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/01/ ... usion.html

Day 156 : Anxiety is self delusion

Anxiety as a fear is specific, as this fear is specific in relation of one mind, projections and connections as relationships within and without, as anxiety, represents fear of one own illusion.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as mind design of fear as anxiety as energetic experience within me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as mind projections of the future, and from this create the fear of this future because of not taken self responsibility for handling of money.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect money to fear and thus create within me the energetic experience as fear as anxiety in relation to money.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that energetic experience as anxiety is real, instead of see and realize that this is illusion as fear of the future as mind projection.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within and as me the projections of possible future and thus fear this future, as connection towards the money and fear that I will have no money to pay for stuff I will have to pay for.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards energetic experience of fear, as projection to the future and thus think and believe that this fear as anxiety is real.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as fear of the future, define myself towards this fear as mind projections and became it, instead of see and realize that I trapped myself into an illusion of fear and thus let fear to direct me, mislead me and enslave me, and that by this I accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit myself into an idea that fear is vital for life, instead of see and realize how deceptive this is, as fear is enslaving life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own mind projections.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that energetic experience within me as fear as fear of the future is real experience of me, instead of see and realize that this is just energy movement created by the mind because of acceptance and allowance of living as the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything as energy experience and energy movement within myself is a lie, not seeing and realizing that mind as a whole is a lie, that anything of the mind is a lie, deception and enslavement.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as energy experience as fear towards myself, in separation from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create positive perception towards fear as energy experience in believe that this experience is my living, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and my own enslavement within me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to enslave myself through fear and separation from myself, instead of see and realize that I deluded myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like my own fears, define myself through my own fears and think and believe that this experiences I need, want and require for myself to exist, instead of stop, breathe and remain here as presence of me as who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to throw away my self responsibility for handling of money because of requirement of wanting, getting and living in and as fear as anxiety, as projections to the future where because of lack of self responsibility I accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as fear of the future.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that future exists, instead of realize that future is just mind projection based on the memories of the pasts moments.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in and as past moments I lived as energy experiences as fear, as projections to the future.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in the past through fear of the future as mind projection created of the past memories.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as a memory of my lack of handling of money and by this create and experience within me the anxiety.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into a past through memory of the moment when I spent money and start to fear the future as a mind projection as how I will pay for stuff I need to pay for.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to become a memory of my past experiences as self definitions of energy experiences as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that what happened in the past have to happen in the future, and thus trap myself into a mind projection of the future because of me existing as a memory of past moments.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself through existing in and as memory of fear of the future as mind projection.

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Juraj Varga
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Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 21 Mar 2013, 18:47

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/03/ ... nd-me.html

Day 157 : Understand me

I wanted, I searched, I desired, someone to have in my presence to understand me, to see, realize and understand how I am seeing this world, why I am seeing this world the way I do, what points have been those which determined this seeing, and existing of me.

But, this is not possible for those which do not walk their process, and for those which do, not a lot of words are necessary, they see. Within this, I realized that it is me who have to understand me, that it is me who have to see within and as me why I created myself the way I did, and what points are of my mind I decided to follow, live and why.

This living of the mind components are not living at all, but for one to move forward within one’s process, it is the crucial point, to see within.

And just one sentence, as being said many times, the EYE is the key to self, is quite difficult to comprehend and realize, what this really means, as this eye is the eye of the mind, it is the eye of the mind I has been taught to see the world as, because this EYE is not real at all. This eye of the mind is eye of the system, and just outcome of numerous components joining together, coming through everything I lived, accepted, and thus derived the “seeing”. Within this looking the mind looks, but me as self is blind, mind wants, but me as self I just follow.

The breathing, the awareness of me within moments I participate, even just to the degree possible for me in stage I am, delivered me quite interesting moments of see, realize and understand without judgment of me, the “horrors” I accepted towards me as the mind.

Maybe not easy but necessary for one to really see what is going on within one’s mind, and how the polarity play out works, do not be scared. Do not try to stand or run away from the shit within the mind, you will never run. It is not possible to run away, everything will remain the same, until one dare to see within the mind, to open the secrets within, to see and confront, to question, to dare to just take out the shit in the mind, deeply suppressed and forgotten, hidden and thrown away, in hope and believe that one will not have to face that what one exist as.

I did, I am, I will face everything of me, yes, it was, it is, it will be not easy stuff sometimes, but it must be done. Sooner or later, in time which will inevitably come, for me, you, everyone, the questions which will be maybe not pleasurable to hear, but those questions must be placed, simply I have to question me. I have to challenge me.

And it is me who have to see, realize understand and comprehend anything and everything I created, how, why, when. It is again only me, who push me, me pushing me through numerous resistances of the mind, and I am aware mind will do everything possible to stop me, mind will use all my weaknesses and I will be lead each way possible through all dimensions of the mind, to see, if I stand, or if I fall.

The falls are specific, and be grateful for them, because you can be certain, if you fall, simply you didn’t stood the point. But do not fall entirely, do not give up on yourself, push and walk.

The time, I had no patience, I had no stability, I do not wanted to walk my life in time. I wanted, to solve stuff immediately and to have my own “ peace “.

To be stable, if all around are not is interesting, as this teaches me to be stable simply each moment I am.

The polarity, and how I moved, move within, teaches me how I split myself and simply, how I do not lived me but this play out. To stop polarity, to stop and unite in me, as I as me. First dare to see.

It is decision. Nothing else. Give up the mind, not self.

Thanks, Juraj

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Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Marlen » 21 Mar 2013, 20:15

Cool for standing up, Juraj

Thanks for sharing

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Juraj Varga
Posts: 231
Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 20:20

Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 29 Apr 2013, 15:39

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/04/ ... as-me.html

Day 158 : Regret as me

There were many situations in my life I regretted, many words spoken, many actions taken, many decisions made. And I became the regret of me, the regret of my life and decisions I made. But what is this regret, what led me to see me, live me as regret of me and my decisions?

Who decide and why I even should regret anything I have done or said, even it can looks really as disaster of my life? What that what can’t be changed in anyway should be regretted, or even is the regret valid? It may looks that way but it isn’t.

The choice is a problem from perspective where the choice lead me, what are the points I see by I am making a choice, and is this choice free? Free choice. How lovely this words can sound, but very rarely the choice is free, is everything is submitted into and as enslavement of the system I live in.

I am even not sure if I made sometimes free choice, without any movement within me, without any desire, fear of worry, without resist or need or want. I would say yes for several situations I changed heading of my life significantly and by this change I changed everything of my life and how, what my life will be. But, I would not put my life on this as certainty that this was free choice.

How much components is taking place when I face the moment to make a decisions, and how much times I saw something within me as my mind and I made the choice as opposite of that mind said, show or what back chat was about.

To make a choice as follower of the mind is never free choice and even it is a not choice as it is already done and placed within mind as result of events of the past. Maybe there was one event I decided within me to stood up and thus I changed everything, and I doubt a bit about several others moment. But whatever, in the world of lies and deception, where I became this lie and the deception of me as living in and as mind, as system which is never real, never will be and never was, I see is quite interesting to start making decisions because of me and not because of others.

I was led all my life to submit to others and thus make this decision because of them, and I never considered myself , and thus I was not making decisions because of me.

Many times I thought that decisions I’ve done was self-honest, but it was not. As one point came up and I let o and released myself from such point, and I made decision, another came up and thus I saw and realized that my decision was not self honest as all.

This is interesting anyway, as I see that all decisions has been set up and placed and based on mind components, except really few, the question is how to make decisions without any mind influences, and maybe the right questions would be, am I even able to be and make decisions without any mind influences within and as me, if I became the mind? It seems not.

I realized that I am not able to make decision without mind influences as I simply became the mind, I am just able to see within me the thoughts, yes if thoughts are present, sometimes I am like not able to think and all my attention goes into and as my breath. But this even can be mind fuck up thus time will show.

I realized that after days of peace of me in silence within me, days of thunder and bullshits are coming and thus I have to deal with it. Precisely said, dealing with me and what is as part of me. And last days, weeks, lots of regret, shame and guilt came up within and as me. Lot of pain and sorrow, seeing my life, seeing me and decisions I made and why.

But the regret and sorrow and quilt and shame will not lead me anywhere, thus everything and all of this is useless as everything mind consists of. All regret is useless and all sorrow is useless and all shame and all guilt and all pain, is for nothing and leading one to nowhere.

And I see, once I breathe thus no regret and no pain and no shame and no guilt is here with me, just me breathing and I experience myself as peace and silence within me, and again I can’t be so sure that this is real simply because I am just moving myself out of the shit mind is as me, and once I go into anything of my mind thus everything is just coming back within moments what I decide within the mind participate on. And always, how stupid it is and this is the decision.

This is interesting decision one can practice day by day, to breathe and stop the mind, moment by moment, and thus see and realize what is going on within one life, as mind, of simply participate moment by moment on really useless bullshit mind simply is.

Nothing of the mind is worthy of attention, as it will be never real, nothing of mind will never became real, as simply it is impossible. The projection within mind, just projection, just illusion. Just deception of self. Desire? The same. Worry? The same. Fear? Exactly the same as previous. And what about the guilt? And who even created guilt? Again just self because of judgments? And those judgment? Just made up illusions again because of others.

Everything and anything of the mind – is simply a lie.

Thanks, Juraj

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Juraj Varga
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Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 06 May 2013, 20:10

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/05/ ... who-i.html

I am not able to express and write or speak who I am as I am not able to describe who I am. I am not able through words describe me, what this me is. I can’t define who I am and I can’t determine this me. As I am here I can walk my inner bullshits and sort out my demons, and maybe finally to get to a point to deal with the demon of me as mind I became.

I have to say, that I was surprised, what I saw within me, as me, what is part of me, and what eventually was as me or me as that all the time but I was just not able to see within me all this shits deep within.

To uncover the thoughts, and what thoughts represent is from certain perspective simple, yet mind as me, me as mind is trying to hide the truth of me each time I see within.

And yet, once one stop to judge that what is real within, I was really surprised about myself. There is nothing like positive energy, positive thoughts, or positive attitude, nor negative or that what should be presented as negative. Nope. As me, in me, there is specific point, and that I my dear ego.

My EGO, me as the one who stand separated from everything and everyone, and anything which exists I simply deny through and as my ego. Me as ego, is that what is true face of me, and yet I never said to anyone, what I see within and as me. Maybe this is not necessary anyway, as each time I let something go thus this no more direct me, determine or define me, or better say, I do not consist and exist as that point I solved, and what I solve and what I walked for real simply never came back.

But what is still coming back, is simply me as the ego as eye, as how I see myself and everything else separated, and that way I experience myself, just here within and as my body, to certain level my body as I am not able to put my head down and say that yes I am equal and one with my body, as this is simply nonsense, as I am not aware of my body so much stuff, that this is now irrelevant to solve. Yes the touch, almost all of those I make I am aware, once breathing and focusing on this, but my body is not just that. Each cell and each atom, molecule my body is made of, I am not aware at all as I am separated from everything my body exist as, because the energy influences I accepted to separate myself from my body. Even so, the level of awareness of my physicality goes into a point of me breathing, and the touches I made, but everything else, is simply hidden because of the ego I became.

The ego of me, and what I walked, and what starts to unfold within and as me, what I started to see, many times I was firstly ashamed, I felt guilt of me, surprise and wonder how come this is me, how come this exist as me, how come that this is in me, as me. How come that I am this and how come that I exist as this. And always I have to search back within my life to see the relevance of past moments I accepted myself to create and based myself on.

The ego I became, the ego I created, the ego I am, is to the most level possible influenced by pictures of my environment, as simply I believed of anything which pictures presented to me and I forgot to ask the truth behind, as each picture carry the truth behind but the picture is not this truth by itself.

The very reason, the very fact I am able to see this world as pictures in front of me, is learned because others told me so, and I accepted those words from others and thus I became this believe, this believe in pictures and that world exist as this pictures. But the eyes, mislead very well, as I used my eyes to see as mind thus as the one point of me, one singular point of the eye of me as EGO I became.

And the eye of the mind, the eye I am as ego as me, is not the space nor physical nor anything, just this one point which exists as pillar of me I became that, as believe I am this one point I see world and others and everything which is here.

This one point, because I became this ego, is simply the bubble of me, where everything serves as protection of this self created bubble, and me as the ego, is hijacking everything around to protect this, this ego as me, is sabotaging every way possible everything to sustain itself, me as ego is so fuckingly scared to give up this ego, this bubble, that even to myself it seems impossible to give this up.

But the perspective of my life, and the ego I created as me, is heading to one certain point, certainty of this point, which will come as inevitability is death.

And the death by itself, is only one point I am absolutely sure that this will happen, and I have no doubts that I will die. What will come in my life, what I will face, what will be the stuff I will have to deal with, everything of this is to certain level placed already, as I created the consequence of my life and thus this is known, but the many possibilities which will come as well are unknown and hidden and to certain level determined by decisions I will make.

But, again, anyway, simply do not matter which decisions I will make, and what will be outcome of this decisions, and what consequences I will create or stop, everything I will do, speak, write, will lead me with absolute certainty to the point of death.

This point of death of me, is the point of my last breath I will breathe out, and in and as this last breath I will die. Within the moment of me dying, the ego I created as me will cease to exist, no matter how much I tried to protect this, as I am aware that I will have no longer have access to memories as past moments I created myself as.

Within this, what I am as ego, is simply, maybe sad fact, but not real. I am not real. I live in self delusion of me, created because of that what I lived, and who I am as life, is forgotten.

And maybe the most sad fact is, that the existence of me as ego, is because of one point and believe, that me as the mind, is more than life.

Me as mind, me as this one point, I fall into and as believe, that I am something more that life, because of believe that I exist, but this existence I call myself, are just activated memories of my so called life I accepted myself believe as, and this fact, is simply not sexy.

I thought to myself to be superior over the life, but in fact, it is way around. I am absolutely dependent on my physical body, and subject to my body, and I exist as this one point within and as the mind, as EGO.

And this one point I became, is demon I am, demon I became, demon locked and imprisoned as the mind. Everything else, are just relationships towards this one point I am.

Within this, I am interested, if I will be able to give up this me as demon as point I defined myself as, because so far, I am not able to see into such depth of me, because, there are lot of things to sort out at first.

Thanks, Juraj

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Juraj Varga
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Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 11 Jun 2013, 20:51

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/06/ ... rigin.html

Day 160 : The origin

Recently I realized on specific fear which I was not able comprehend when I was young, energy movement within me, not understood, not seen, not solved. The fear towards the money, fear as energy within and as me, fear as experience within me as how I got those money, judgment of such act, judgment of me, and hiding me and hiding money, thinking and believing that I can’t reveal that I have those, how I get those, and obviously fear as consequences of me being truthful, and punished.

In this, the energy I experienced has been suppressed, forgotten, and me separating from such energy, in absolute blindness what this few moments in my life, will bring me to the future. I was 8 or 9 years old boy, and the journey of my life, directions, actions, has been written already, by this fear, and it was just one of many.

The moment I realized the origin of this fear, I became sad and the sadness is me. Sadness because of where this fear led me, sadness because I was not able to see that, because I separated myself form such energy, and once I became one with this fear, I saw far back to my past within few moments, I saw me experiencing this fear as young boy , and points written above. What I created, what I accepted that moments, changed my life and lead myself where I do not wanted to be. Sadness as a realization of such events which took place, and the seeing how everything could be different entirely once I would be able to understand such fear that time, to see , realize and comprehend what it is within me, what and why this movement happened, what it means, and what could be possible consequences. Even I had no understanding that time that consequences will be really rough. It was impossible.

Within this, I looked back and how everything could be, if I would get real support of those around me, but each one was blind and deaf the same way I was. It was impossible to be supported, it was impossible to assist me, support me, as everything around me served only one point, to brainwash me, to blind me, to deceive me, and mostly that what I experienced and separated myself from.

The origin of fall is separation, and the separation if fear. I never lived anything else, just this two points, separation from everything in existence in fear of myself. I separated from energy movements I experienced as a young boy, and I suppressed them even I do not notice I am doing so. I had no idea what I am doing, why I am doing and what are mechanics to do so. And those points, became covered with so much bullshits around, that many times I tried to see what it is, I was not able. Interestingly, because I realized, that separation is the problem of solving such energies within me, and each moment I was able to became equal with accumulated energy within me, and it was always fear, I was able to see clearly and directly all relevant points how, when and why I created such energy experiences within me.

Those cleverly suppressed, I was bullying myself around and desperately trying to solve, but with no success and each time with bigger and bigger fall. The mechanics of dimensions interconnected within my mind, and the points and how each one has relevance to each other, and this interconnectedness of this points with such energies, many times makes me believe that it is impossible to solve it and became truly free from such deception of me I became.

Each moment, each reaction, each thought, each energy and my self definition, served me well to be deceived, and I took it all, and I was so young.

How could I see and realize, what the road of my life will be, as I lived in absolute blindness of that what is going within me. I even do not understood that I am able to see into me, as I thought that I have to look outside.

And yet, I became a bit angry and I am angry of all parents within this existence, you have no idea which road you are creation in front of your children, you are absolute blind what you are saying to your children, what you words will create, and how you will kill everything of innocence of your child, just for your fucking ego. I became angry of all being within this existence which dare to bring children here, without real knowledge, without seeing and understanding what it means to support children, and I became angry as you dare to say you love your children, but you are fucking liars as only what you love is your fucking ego and your own fucking bubble made up of believes and ideas but anything real? No.

And you dear parents, you have no idea what your children will have go through and what your children will became slave into, and you dear parents are directly responsible for everything your children is and will became. There is maybe zero probability that any of parent will see and realize that what you are in fact doing, is enslaving your children, killing and destroying everything your children as innocence of life is, because you are already dead and thus you want to kill the life, free life in front of you, because you believe, you are doing that for goodness of your child, but actually, you are just fucking ego maniacs, with no common sense, with no compassion, with no understanding, just thinking the ideas and believing what you are doing is good. And you will defend your right to abuse your children, to lie to your children, to manipulate your children, and you will protect this because you thing that this children belongs to you and thus you must to have right to make slave as you are just a slave lost in dogmas and believes about yourself, and yet, you even maybe to be proud of, that what will you children became, is actually dead zombie seeking and searching just for energy as you are.

Yes, this is the circle of parenting and children’s in this world, and no children gets real support for life, and this is sad as the most way sad could be.

I came through this, and there is no child in this world, which deserve your bullshits to bullied, there is no child which deserve you dogmas and you torture with your judgments, orders and requirements, no, no one.

The separation I became living, is always based on fear, even separation from the fear, me as the mind, me as the breath, me as the body, I will bring back together everything of me I am into quality and oneness of me. I bring myself back to equality and oneness of me, and that is the road of my life I choose for me. No one will stop me, even me not.

I choose for me to live me without fear, without fear of me.

Thanks, Juraj

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Juraj Varga
Posts: 231
Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 20:20

Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 10 Aug 2013, 14:50

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Day 161 : Revenge – You will see

I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.

The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.

I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.

The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.

The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.

Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.

I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.

Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.

When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.

Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.

I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.

Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.

Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.

When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.

The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.

I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.

By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.

I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.

This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.

Thanks, Juraj

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.

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Juraj Varga
Posts: 231
Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 20:20

Re: Juraj's Journey to Life

Postby Juraj Varga » 11 Aug 2013, 21:03

http://juraj-kess.blogspot.com/2013/08/ ... asure.html

Day 162 : Revenge – My purpose my pleasure

I desired revenge and this desire I wanted to fulfill, make true, it was my likeness and my pleasure to see that things can turn round and those who hurt me can suffer more than I suffered, satisfaction coming from this revenge I liked.

Many times I do not needed to act in any way what so ever and just wait, time by itself brought to those I desired revenge for, their misery and agony within them being lost and trapped in the mind. I felt superior and satisfied, I felt being more and stronger.

I see this as a great perversion towards life, to see pleasure and satisfaction in misery and horror of others, searching for answers, lost in their realms of the mind and I smiled.

Many times my intentions turned the worst way possible and thus I have been confronted with this point, how my intentions are in fact fake, because they can morph and from “good” intentions mess and havoc I created, as always.

It was like always around me, despite the fact I wanted others to let me be and let me live, to do not interfere to my life, to do not say to me how I have to live, what I should do just let me be, I always mess and havoc created and place those around me into situations they was not prepared to deal with, nor me.

The revenge, and the punishment, within this superiority and inferiority took place always, and thus what I followed? Ego as energy, yes my lovely purpose to accomplish, my reason for my life, to see oppressors suffer. And they did , as they will always suffer, as each being trapped in the mind suffer, thus me the very same way, as for decades I suffered by revenge I was busy to accomplish.

Smile, words, mannerism, cool persona and fine guy yet plot within my mind already in place, plot and wish to others to die, to suffer, to go through horrible experiences as I did, to show them how it is, to show them what they did, through suffering and pain and agony within them, and seeing this please myself, how pervert this is.

Many thoughts others had about me that I will never do specific things and I did just for the sake to show them they have no power over me, not noticing that by this I gave to power to mind to just follow the very same way as others the designs of energy, everything just balancing out.

Where was in this equality and oneness? Yet I am controversial for myself, the relationship I created within me towards me is controversial, as I see, understand and realize that only equality and oneness is real, as love. Only real love is equality and this is for me bulletproof, yet many times I lived opposite because just this revenge I needed accomplish, this revenge as my ego.

This revenge is the very same way energetic experience as all experiences but my most secret, loving and precious one. To give up?

It was hard even impossible to give up something I was not able to see within me I am doing, making me desperate and insane in many situations, within me in my misery because of this loving energy.

I will show you – secret thought in my mind, you will see. Another one coming after first, and the wolf in the sheep cloak yet still sheep because still following the ego. I fucked me. I was good in this.

But things changes as I change day by day, moment by moment.

Give up on revenge that is my commitment to myself.

Thanks, Juraj

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