https://talamon.wordpress.com/2020/04/1 ... al-desire/
This post will start with an apparently superficial point and by continuing to MOVE myself through the patterns within self-direction, I am going to share how I can utilize the word of CONTEXT into a living expression of COURAGE.
I find it very supportive to work and live COURAGE as I always felt lacking it until I have realized, I will always miss, desire and wait and hope for it until I simply decide to live it as seeing it practical in front of me within self-honesty.
So today I am writing about something, what at this moment as of who I am here, today, considering it to be courageous to write down and share with ‘symbolically’ when going to go public with things shared on this blog: all of existence.
This was last week, it was pretty interesting and rewarding to me personally in regards to the word Context.
(Video is about how exactly I have found my lost gloves in the forest.) I was quite surprised that I have walked to the spot where I found my gloves. I have searched it everywhere before, multiple times, but I had to be in the actual physical context to be able to give up my relationship with my gloves and all of a sudden, they were HERE. I know, it seems like I inflate this point, yet it is just what it is. Everything is here, yet until I am not here, I have no idea. Not about what has happened, what is going on, but also how to ‘fix’ and change. Breathe.
So based on this, let’s expand about context here.
Sometimes there is this strange perception shift, that when you are with a specific person, it’s almost like you can notice, realize or even feel things you’d usually would not if you would not be with that person. At least, it can be like that sometimes with me. Like you listen to a song or watching a movie alone and your mind is blown, yet when you listen/watch it with your family and they will be like ‘what? this is not that funny/cool’ and then sometimes you are also able to see that ‘well, indeed, it’s not that cool’. This was typical when I was writing my own music-like tracks and I felt good about how cool it is, yet when I showed it to people, they were like, hm, ok, interesting and I was also able to have more improvement ideas. And I do not refer to peer pressure here. No. With them, I was able to see that ‘this is indeed, truly not that perfect’. So within the context, I was able to have another perspective.
Or another typical scenario is when last year I’ve visited my family in Hungary for a couple of days and on one afternoon I drove to the town where I went to high school – at least 20 years ago. I have stopped at the bus station where I was waiting for the bus, every workday for four years. I saw the place completely differently, of course, it has changed since, yet so many memories, sort of feelings, mind-states came back instantaneously.
I have remembered then the day when I have lost my sight for an hour suddenly(I probably was malnutritioned and overstressed, my blood pressure went down, never ever happened again) and all I could do was to just sit down and contemplate about my sudden handicap, meanwhile no one asked me how am I doing. Everyone stepped onto the bus and left. (it was crowded back then, I was waiting for the 16:30 bus to get to a village, from where I could get another bus to take me to my home village). That was a very specific memory to me, because in those moments I had no choice but to embrace what is here and work with that within stability, regardless of completely losing eyesight for an hour.
So many memories came back, the friends, the lady I was often taking bus rides with, the gipsy guys walking around bullying helpless-looking guys, the hundreds of hours of time wasting and in general miserable experiences as back then I had no direction within my mind so I was often giving permission to it to take me to daydreaming rides, worry, anxiety or another preoccupation patterns.
Since that visit, that I have re-aligned myself with who and how I was before, it’s much easier to recall how and who I was back then, so it’s easier to work with points I have been participating back then, some of those still till this day, thus I am grateful for that.
This is a solid reason why to walk Desteni Process – because most of us have had specific moments, situations wherein we were standing up as life, courage, presence, and self-direction, but we can often forget, suppress or even deny of those moments, so to be able to recall, bring those HERE today, this process can accumulate into further self-growth.
Process of real(=cross-referenced with facts on the physical level within accumulation) change can be challenging. I have been dealing with this specific context-based self-directive movements from time to time, yet I have never worded these down before.
The next relating topic might even seem as extreme, but hell, why not to share.
Sometimes I have had these long-time suppressed desires and I had difficulty to let them go, thus sometimes what I did was that I have prepared, stabilized and committed myself to utilize actual physical context to move myself into the point – yet not become/falling/getting trapped fully into the point what I saw as self-dishonesty within.
This was quite some years ago but it assisted me to break through a particular desire to stop falling into/get dragged by, I mean literally, physically in action within social interaction.
I used to judge myself or the possibility of people would judge me for this, thus rarely shared it with other people, yet nowadays realizing through the desteni group support that there is absolutely no point to indulge into self-judgment, especially when I am clear about that I need to overcome a specific self-dishonesty to stop the cycle of automatic participation/mind-pattern re-creation self-limitation.
I used to smoke weed, right. In a way, I was able to utilize it to suppress emotional reactions, including desire, specifically: sexual desire. However, which can often happens with people often taking drugs, once you do not do it, the suppression can literally take the person over and live out what one has been suppressing.
How it works is the following: each and every single thought and emotional reaction will be stored into and as the human physical body, almost like layering up and forming these geometric structures of compressed patterns of a personality, character self-definition system, which, once reaches a level, it literally becoming able to fully animate the body, almost seem like being possessed by an entity, yet here the possession is the result of the accumulation of self-acceptance and repeated same judgment, reaction to a point of enabling someone to ‘snap into’ an apparently different character, acting it out. That’s how animal-abusers, aggressive people, rapists, etc are in fact, well troubled people, who become dangerous and need to be excluded from society. Unfortunately the ‘mainstream’ system is not yet there to effectively being able to support them, so they are mostly being drugged, locked out (same suppression as within the mind, just externally).
Well, anyway, my possession moments were never this extreme luckily, but yet, if you walk a journey of self-realization, this is obviously a priority point to deal with and take responsibility for.
So sometimes I had these suppressed, denied and accumulated sexual desires breaking through and making me urgently find a sexual partner, through online dating sites. Sometimes. I was in this ‘supercharged mind’ state, wherein I was kind of possessed with what seemed I have been lacking, to automatically sliding into a state of mind that only caring about that desire to ‘fulfill’.
Of course later it became clear that it was not even the sex itself I was craving for, the person, the whole playout, but only for a less self-judging way to be able to release the enormous amount of mind-energy due to not only, but also sexual suppression, transforming all of those into a ‘pure’ sexual desire for the release itself.
This particular occasion was after I have found desteni(about principles of equality and oneness as life, the whole self-forgiveness, self-correction awesome tools, group, courses, which I have been applying since a while).
When I did not have a relationship with a girlfriend, about a couple of times in a year I have found myself to become ‘auto-obsessed’ to find a partner who I could just have sex with. Sometimes resulted into having sex with a lady friend, like NSA fun, sometimes I went out to hook up with strangers. Well these were not that often actually, maybe maximum 10 times in my whole life, yet still, this was always something I did not like about myself thus always made a big thing out of it – within myself, with myself, alone.
So in this time the time-loop was just around to manifest this pattern again and what I did was the following:
Regardless of applying my self-forgiveness written, or said aloud, I was still inclined to desire women to have sex with(which seems fine, yet within self-honesty I did not accept it as it was purely mind-based, woman-objectification, and besides that, it was just to find a way wherein I could have a long experience to reach orgasm, release, ‘reset’ without judging myself for doing it alone, using sexy images, films, etc – ergo with an actual woman.
So I had this desire whispering, humming, throbbing in my ear, to go to a night club. There was something appealing about that back then, which, of course, was mostly movies-based vivid imagination and self-stimulation.
It was also the case that I never really got, like super-horny towards strangers, only a couple of times in my life I have been auto-triggered to get aroused to some specific type and appearing females, almost like ‘biologically inclined’ to fulfill my gene-reproduction right here, right now. Even when clubbing, I never really did just ‘hook up’ with strangers. Dancing, having a lot of fun, joking, enjoying, being goofy, weird, crazy, sure, but to ‘grab them by the pu$$y’ was never part of my character. Even though many times at specific encounters that was expected by some ladies, I just never did it. I have been at rock, world, electronic, trance music parties, probably many hundreds of times, yet never happened (once I’ve kissed a lady at a party, but it was rather because one of my lady friends kept insisting that this lady likes me and should get together with her – which of course did not happen).
And instead of embracing this as this is who I am, I also judged this within myself as ‘weakness’, ‘a resistance’, so for a while, I kept pushing this point, maybe there is something wrong with me, so let’s just ‘force myself’ doing it – well, eventually I’ve realized, I just like sex with ladies who I am actually intimate with already – and intimate I mean not physically, but on beingness connection: meaning we know each other, our bodies and minds have spent time together and there is this mutual, natural curiosity to explore more.
So I believe that I have even deliberately used my suppression to be able to overcome that and just get boosted up to go out and breakthrough this perceived resistance.
It’s pretty wicked of how far a human can become twisted within by following these thoughts, feelings, emotions, instead of establishing self-communication about what I actually desire, want…That is why I share this ‘sensitive’ topic, because I want everyone to realize how the mind works and being able to take our direction and responsibility back. Sigh. So.
When you see a sex film, you do not consider the actual physicality and everything, what comes with that. Or I guess, many do, that’s why they keep preferring the porn/masturbation ‘pure’ mind-self-fuckery.
I went to this city night club, had huge resistances in my body, my legs, my chest, but I have pushed myself, step by step. Paid the entrance fee, there were other men, also sort of brooding in the dark, sitting, drinking, waiting as hourly there was this lapdance show. A lady was slowly undressing to only a small panties and she was then walking around the room, where were these separate armchairs with silent men with weird faces while the lady was sitting on their laps, giving them ‘the show’. I remember she had a candle and she was dripping wax to her big titties and she was kind of fondling to my body. It was instructed before not to touch, grab, interact much, etc with the lady, yet she was allowed to decide if she wanted to take some of the men’s hand and put them onto her body for touches while she was sort of doing these erotic moves.
Well, first of all, I was anxious as this was quite an extreme situation for me(I did not take alcohol or drugs), there was something courageous-kind of feeling within me as well, because I stepped out from my mind, into reality – yet I literally have created my desire to manifest by long-term self-denial and now here I am, I have paid for this, so now facing the real deal, let’s try to enjoy it.
It was rather laughable than erotic to me, the whole act, maybe she was not so professional or not my ‘type’, no idea, but the whole thing was like a scene from a badly directed and acted movie to me. It rather made me smile than get aroused. Which, I did not mind, of course as although I was ‘in the possession’ – I specifically prevailed within my starting point of ‘openly and ‘self-honestly now I want to understand what’s happening within and why’.
The lady walked around, the whole thing was like 15-20 minutes long and she visited various guys around – not all of them, yet whoever she went to, they seemed very pleased, like kids when they get an exciting toy to play with or some candy.
That’s also a specific point to mention – sometimes I felt attraction to women, which was self-accepted, but only until the point when I was able to see other men also being ‘trapped’ into this kind of experience. I was judging them as ‘gullible’ and ‘superficial’ and even often made me smile at them, like ‘well well well, you little fools’. A sort of instant and unconscious projection of self-judgment. My programmed personality was also often like this: if I feel attraction to a woman, but there is another man obviously feeling, acting upon to the same woman, I just can’t participate within this anymore. Maybe to avoid going into competition with other men, maybe to push this ‘choice’ responsibility to the woman, but it’s fascinating, because if there were no other men around doing this, then sometimes I was the one falling into this pattern. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing uncool to like someone and walk to them and wanting to get to know them, just when it’s entirely mind-image-driven, then it’s not really about the person, the being of that woman, but rather again: my suppressed, specific type of desire to be exerted, projected out within accepted self-dishonesty. Now, back to the story.
The loud music has allowed me to apply self-forgiveness aloud in real time to deal with my anxiety and judging and desiring the woman body as sex object, when she was not sitting on my laps.
(bear with me, this might be the most ‘sexual’ thing I have shared here around, I want it to be well detailed to support the self-forgiveness and self-correction).
What has happened then? Once I was able to step out from his energetic mind-cage, having its wires the desires and imagined scenarios consistently preoccupying my conscious mind, something different has happened, which I recognized from my past.
I have felt like unintentionally, yet naturally starting to look at the person, the BEING behind the act, the job, the character she was doing. I was looking for something actual real about her, not really the ‘sexy, seductive, arousing monkey dance’.
I remember I was shifting from LOOKING her body parts and face to SEEING the person behind the pattern, the expression in front of me and at first it was like being able to see more details, like changing from a phone’s digital zoom to a high-end cinema camera, the details, the unique skin, the sweat, the skin pores, even on those the surface and then suddenly I was just HERE, loud music, a bizarre party where only one person is dancing and I am sitting like a bag of potato. She was enjoying the dance, the attention, the desires aimed at her and I have looked into me and I had no judgment, no shame, just nothing. Let me add here, it was not a “spiritual-like” revelation, like when all the veils of the matrix falls away and you see the desert of the real or what you can see on a bunch of psychedelics throbbing through your veins, no, it was just normal, no excitement, no “special” thing – as usually, those are also tricks from the mind consciousness system to overwhelm, hypnotize, still balance and control to remain in the delusion that I still need it in order to function, transcend and expand. No. This was just like breathing: natural, simple. I did not expect to be able to step out from my own dominating character either, it was not like a “stalking act with myself”, all just unfolded.
If I would not dare to drag my body to that club, I would not have realized the following points:
What seems visually sexy in my mind, purely as picture, as it might not be in reality, the actual person in the flesh, because then it’s not just 1920×1080 pixels changing 30 times per second, it’s an actual person with real life action, reaction, body odor, literally infinite details in presence.
When someone acts sexy, if I do not know the person, there is no actual history between us, like real connection, it seems totally fake, not even mentioning that she is doing it for the money – sure she might enjoys it, yet the idea to me that to have sex with someone, who only does it for the money does not really excite me at all, because that would reflect back to me even more about who I accept myself to be, what I clearly do not want to become, not because of morality or self-judgment, but because all I ever wanted is to be as real as possible, and this conflicts that, because if I accept a fake ‘sexy approach’ by participating in a pattern IN MY MIND – I am literally the embodiment of mind fuck.
The place was not dirty, though not as clean as I’d like, so while in the mind everything is clean, ‘pure’, in reality, they often are not. Not that I am germophobic, yet the idea of spending time in a place whats core activity is that many strangers, mostly creepy, brooding in the dark men getting aroused by lap dancing women is also something I would not really want.
Within honesty and self-honesty, I seek real connection, partnership, relationship, so this just seems so superficial and fake so then I do not really get, neither do I want to get aroused.
What has happened then was that I just started to smile at first, then laugh. The whole scenario was so funny when you watch a Chaplin or a Keaton slapstick comedy. I just broke out in a lough and the dancing lady got that. She spent a lot of time with me then and I saw the confusion and at the same time the curiosity on her face. It was almost like when all the actors in the theater are in character performing and one just stops doing it while the whole audience is watching and everyone hesitates for a moment to question ‘What is going on?’. That is how we influence and expand, not by preaching, persuading, manipulating, buying people, but living what we mean within oneness and equality.
‘Trust me’ – lol don’t, it’s just a phrase, to pronounce what I mean – test it out for yourself to face your own inner crap in real-time application – people will recognize your stability and confidence as that’s what they might lack and desire. And once I am not reacting to that, then I am able to reflect their points back to themselves to work with and that’s how we live the principle of two or more in my name, which is not me, Tala here, but the principle of equality and oneness as life, to love thy neighbor as thyself.
I never again had the desire or even the idea to go to this type of establishment again with the starting point of sexual desire as this act assisted me to realize how much my mind I can program and utilize to twist and compress, deceive and suppress of who I really am.
Not that my mind would be evil(although it’s backward of ‘live’, like a mirror), it’s just doing what I always have been accepting – directing my life according to my past preferences. It’s like when you drive a fancy car, it’s automatic transmission is adapting and learning to serve you according to your past inputs in various contexts it can recognize and categorize. Yet if you start to change your expression – let’s say in this example: your driving behavior on various road conditions, how you are accelerating, breaking, cornering etc – and after while, it will adapt to you again. It depends on the car brand and model, of course(with manual, you do that), mine is now a ten years old one yet it can do that – eventually it somehow figured out that I do not like to quickly shift up but to rev until the redline when starting once the engine and oil is warm and voila – now it just does it, like a good boy. Yet, when I want it to be smooth/economic/quiet again, let’s say, having passengers who prefer comfort, then I focus to be a bit more gentle with the controls and it will adapt again. Something similar is in place with our on mind system as well, yet we need to become aware of how it works first, as it’s sort of semi-automatic.
The conclusion of this story: some desires are straight up wackadoodle and one can usually say no easily to them, however at certain circumstances it might not be that obvious to see the difference when the person is building up judgments, reactions, suppression etc to get into a mind state context wherein it can become a self-definition and one starts acting it out.
So I could have done a million pages of self-forgiveness on paper at home, become the master theoretically, yet the real time application and re-alignment within COURAGE is what matters.
Most of the time I am able to take a deep breath and sit down and write about the self-dishonesty I can ‘feel’ or sometimes directly detect -yet another times, some point I still can accept to drag me around, like a ragdoll until the suppressed, now exerting energy runs out and I am able to re-gain presence, direction, the ability to question and cross-reference my perception with facts again.
And sometimes I find myself within my own presence, direction and stability – YET I see that this thing sometimes annoys me, takes my discipline away when I wish it would remain – so I move myself, I bring the point here, or I physically walk to it, instead of waiting it to happen again, as sometimes it’s too late, I am already in stupid mind reaction(not that I am judging myself, it’s just fact that it’s stupid to let my past and consequences keep dragging me around) and the best cure is prevention, thus to not participate in the mind. But for that I need to explore and know who I am in order to be able to let it go, in practical action.
It is also a practical approach: if there is doubt, worry, fear, an itchy desire, resistance about anything, I repeat, ANYTHING, that usually indicates inner friction due to suppression, projection, lack of self-communication thus Self-forgiveness within Self-honesty is highly recommended.
Desteni I Process LITE
is a unique online course what is free and a seasoned buddy is assigned to your participation and interaction, assisting with cross-referencing your written responses day by day while you get to understand the basic components of the human mind, how to start supporting oneself with writing in self-honesty and how to apply self-forgiveness to really take responsibility for practical change.
Many do not even consider a ‘need to change, to be changed’ – yet usually when people realize the extent of self-deception, self-limitation, self-delusion, it’s the natural thing to do to correct oneself.
So that’s it for today about CONTEXT – not really about what we do, but how we relate and as who within that. Obviously this does not mean to go out and kill a bunch of people(before someone would say, ‘thats what my secret desire is’), because that is what I referred above as wackadoodle and it just simply needs to be saying and living the word STOP. And again – if that STOP self-direction does not work, that’s an other common sense reason to start walking the DIP LITE course to take responsibility before things get crazy.
Thanks, enjoy, bye