Jozsef's Journey to Life

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ishonesty/

A point to expand with – already did once before – again now…looking at the point of not living up to my commitments to accumulate manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow within self-dishonesty when realizing the fact that I have ‘fallen’ into it, meaning justification and excuse to follow the past, the patterns what momentarily comfort me to avoid facing manifested consequences in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘falling’ as justification to define ‘I am now fallen, so I can do shit what I should not but at this point it does not matter as I am already in this fallen mode’ – and not realizing that it’s not binary, but this is how the self-deception through the mind can be self-abused – through the polarity, meanwhile reality is not black or white, there is accumulation of everything, thus the belief that ‘I have already fallen, thus I can do shit now’ is also self-deception, reality is not simply ‘remaining fallen’ – but falling further so to speak with manifesting consequences – and within all not realizing that the whole concept of fallen into self-dishonesty is just another trap of self-dishonesty and it’s not about how deep I am willing to fall, but how I accumulate not falling within consistency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this self-dishonest self-definition pattern I apply every day within writing application, as ‘I did not write yesterday, so I should, but as I did not write yesterday either, and I could justify it, today it’s a bit easier to justify it again’ – and within that defining and feeling like I am a victim, meanwhile it’s myself – I am doing this to me directly, through my mind from which perceived as being done indirectly.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to stand up in any given moment, as literally stopping the past is the only way, thus if I wait for more, for something, to ‘get fed up’ or ‘gather will, energy’ to stand up again – I am not moving directly, but through the mind, and thus it’s not self-movement, self-direction, self-trust, self-will I create, but conditioning, dis empowerment, hope and justifications – thus the only way is to decide, move and act – regardless of WHEN I have ‘committed’ self-dishonesty, last year, yesterday or just a moment before – I stand up here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that principle is not something I make it dependent to conditions – or if so, it is not principle, but it is compromise, which by I accept and allow to delude myself that I am actually living, meanwhile I am simply bouncing from one reaction to another within the consistent momentary belief of control and direction being played out automatically – yet in those moments honestly seeing that even from the deepest pit of self-compromise, it is always one step to LIVE absolute self-honesty, as it’s not about the amount of self-honesty, but the truly honest, right and practical step in any given moment to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to radicalize the concept, principle and action of self-honesty by defining that there is such absolute, brutal, radical self-honesty ‘out there’ which is tough, difficult and heroic so thus I have to gain energy to reach by participating in the idea and self-definition of such devotion towards it, meanwhile existing in a bubble in my mind for just the next seep of energetic mind addiction experience, instead of letting it all go, breathe and move myself directly, decompose all patters within me to the point of simplicity, consistency and common sense.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the reason I play with the idea of a special kind of self-honesty versus self-honesty is to be able to differentiate some moments, situations and conditions from some other moments, thus not realizing that this is the same as the self-dishonest pattern of spirituality, wherein declaring some moments to be more special than others based on my interest, idea of superiority based on conditions I am still holding onto in my mind as self-definition.
I see, realize and understand that the leap of faith here means to let go of definitions of measurement and judgement of self-honesty and trust myself – and within that to become transparent with myself of wherein I still rely to judgement, condition, comparison in relation to self-honesty, meaning in some kind of moments allowing ‘smaller’ self-dishonesty in order to spare energy, attention and willpower to focus to ‘bigger’ self-dishonesty points to prevent and in the meantime not realizing that my idea of ‘small’ and ‘big’ are biased based on self-dishonesty I am not aware of or not wanting to admit yet. Thus the solution is to specifically note the ones I obviously time-loop with and support regular writing and honestly answering to myself why.
Within this I see and realize that I have abused my self-trust in regarding to writing my blog, which is just a practical example of this pattern to work with here, because I said to myself: I write as much as I can in practical application without over-committing or forcing myself, but to write on any day whenever I obviously can by prioritizing my day – so I relied to this conditional pattern to trust, not myself. Because if I would trust myself, I would be able to assess reality in every single occasion/day: can I write today, shall I write today?
But what I did was ‘ah, there is no pressure today, lest postpone it’ – and then defined myself by that action I chose, and on the next day relying to that, not re-aligning myself back to the point of presence, practical common sense and self-honesty in the moment here.

Might be too complicated how I described it, but getting more clear as writing it here.

Key here is not to judge myself for what I already did, missed to do or manifested, yet honestly looking at it and learning from it.

I use my blog writing as it’s simple and something I committed to do and still committing to do, there is no forcing about it. It is something what ALWAYS makes sense within practical common sense to keep writing and sharing, whenever I can, regardless of my situation.

And what I also did not consider is that things happen in reality, I got extremely lot of overtime, work, company meets, travels and indeed those added the list of challenges to keep writing, yet none of those separated or altogether should prevent me to write at least 5-10 minutes a day.

So all in all, seeing this point required to continue to be checked and re-aligned and learn from any upcoming points from it.

Commitment: it is very supportive, because if I word my decision of what I want to do, live and act, then it will be obvious when I will do it – or not do it – thus I can directly see what I need to keep being aware of to live how I decide to live.

This is a self-creation point, kind of from nothingness, there is no one or nothing in this world really pushing me to do this, yet it is something I see as supportive thus deciding to do, thus whatever resistances, inner or outer I face when expressing it, it is my responsibility to solve.

I commit myself to not use already done, manifested, accepted and allowed self-dishonesty to justify another self-dishonesty again. Each moment is equally new opportunity to stand up and re-align within self-honesty. When and as I hear to, listen to any justification in my mind or outside of me, I see, realize and understand – it is self-dishonest and it is my direct responsibility to stand up in this moment, just as will be in the next one until the end of times.
When and as I try to justify not being honest to myself, I remind myself that I only manifest consequences, not good or bad, thus creating the reality I am going to exist within in either way, thus the common sense is to practically walk self-correction and let go of the self-definitions and justifications and focus to what’s real, here and physical.
When and as I see the justification of ‘being tired’ or ‘not having enough time’, I see that when focusing to ‘entertainment’ – I am less tired, thus indicating resistance by self-defining my commitment to be a ‘chore’, instead of owning commitments to be who I really am as equal as anything else of me in and as the physical.
What really can support is to walk the mind within structure with assistance. Desteni I Process LITE online course supports with that – it is free and there is a buddy(guide/support), who is experienced with the mind and it’s pitfalls. I really recommend it:

Mistakes: Windows of Opportunity – Back to Basics

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ustration/


Some resistances I am not aware of within. It’s not that tricky to see what’s inside myself as who I am in situations, but sometimes I am preoccupied.
Within those moments almost feels like everything is automatic, the current moments have been decided somewhere in the past and now I have to roll through and keep looking forward to spot opportunities when I have to move.

Moving meaning beyond this automatic framework of what I am doing in my current life.
It’s multi-faceded, because there are desires, plans, goals within and most of them are currently blocked by various reasons.
Not enough time, money, specific skills, opportunities or simply luck, thus I have to just keep looping with my currently created days. That’s the feel.

But it’s a trap of 22, because if I do not change, expand, transcend, my limitations will not fade, my resistances will not weaken, or maybe, out of ten one or two would, but still I would end up being extremely limited – in comparison to my potentials, plans and goals.

It is important not to get mesmerised by potentials of who I want to become and keep faking it in my mind while disregarding why here I am neglecting to acknowledge the reality and specificity of my limitations and resistances.

Naming the game really assists to get back to the ground, meaning what I want to achieve exactly, because then I will be able to assess or plan what has to be done.

Resisting to stick to a daily plan – often happens – but that’s the point – happens. For instance started learning piano with teacher. First weeks, almost every day it was natural to sit down and practise – now I have to decide – which evening I have to do – and sometimes, just as with most of commitments, there is resistance. With this, it’s rare but it is there.

Another example: I have decided to take ownership of an administrative role for a community’s website, because of my interest in community and land management. The point is – it’s really not that extremely difficult to do, but have to change configuration, installment and deployment scripts – this is what I do as daily job, so should not be difficult, but to take the decision of my free time is something I resist. It only needs to be done once, and from there this would be grand. But it’s still new and facing some frustration sometimes with it.

When I have difficulty with things what are not extremely important or considered as ‘default’ – I think I give into the temptation of inherent avoidance of frustration.

Thus today, let’s focus on this frustration trigger and being carried away from the original point.

This is why writing is relevant, practical and supportive – just look at the facts, reality, problem, let’s understand the dynamics.

Let’s build a simple timeline before applying self-forgiveness as practical awareness tool for self-correction preparation.

I do something new, difficult, complicated.
How I perceive progress is slow.
I want to be way beyond this problem as the excitement and rewards will come from steps beyond this point.
I want to be ahead, yet I am still here, trying to get passed by this problem here.
I make mistake, try something, doesn’t work.
I retry something else.
Still doesn’t work
I feel frustration.
I focus to frustration.
I become frustrated, physically and emotionally.
I am feeling resistance against do the thing.
I define the thing to be difficult.
I feel tired, no excitement, no energy high
I find applicable justifications to avoid commitment towards continuing this.
I really have no enjoyment doing it anymore.

At this point it depends on the importance of the thing.

If it is unavoidable, I just try to suppress reactions, frustrations until the last point when I find myself just exerting something, such as walking away, feeling needing time away.

If it is avoidable, mostly as it is a self-defined task, then I just postpone it for better times.

This is a really simplified example of what is called Mind Construct within the Desteni I Process online courses.

So we really go into the details and at each step honestly looking at what happened within me, while in reality, what was my reaction, where it came from and how I could do better.

Within this example I wrote, the website installment(moving from another provider to the one I rent), the practical steps are really easy, but will take time and effort. I do not want to do that, I just want to do it, get it done. That mentality might work when the tasks is to diswash or dig a hole in the garden, but when it’s complicated, needs deep and specific understanding, then I have to stop that ‘get it done’ mentality from reaction.

A key point – from reaction – because with that frustration energy, I am being stimulated to do it – with the definition and judgement of a state where this frustration is not existing – almost like a vacuum pulling me towards it to reach.

Although I create my experiences, reactions and directions, decisions and eventually all my actions – with this pattern what I manifest is that I am not directing, literally not being direct, the director, but I react in my mind, judge situations as positive and negative, compare with ideal or desired situations and based on that I create emotions, such as excitement, frustration.

There are areas in my life wherein I am really efficient preventing of such mentality, for instance driving – it’s a really strong decision – how I drive, almost like going into a different personality, where I simply never do that reactional pattern. I love to drive, something that simple.
There are difficult situations still, not technically about driving, but when slow and monotonic traffic, dangerous other people, etc – but still – I should learn how I am doing that discipline so then I can apply it in other aspects of my life.

I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the frustration and not realizing I am focusing to the reaction to a problem instead of the problem itself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and be honest with myself that I use frustration as energy source in my mind to feel the reaction, the inner movement, because in reality I am not moving, but standing at the same point and I am addicted to the reaction to movement, if it’s not real, then has to be self-created and within those moments not admitting, that I am not aligned with reality anymore, but still carrying on.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that frustration is a false ally and it’s energy is temporally and distractive, and extremely unfun, thus instead of falling into it, to see it as an indication point within my application that I need to slow down within and to see what practical plan I need to re-consider and apply here in this situation I am within – regardless of commitment, importance or interest – as it’s in front of me, if makes sense to do it or being supportive, I take responsibility and challenge.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of physical body awareness to notice the signs of frustration and reaction, such as tension in my chest, shallow breathing, not allowing my body to be relaxed, disregarding body needs such as hydratation, fresh air, short breaks, a sigh.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if something is not going well, I do not need to force myself with the ‘just frikin do it’, but I can break it down, I can ask for assistance, I can postpone it with self-trust, yet not to use frustration to avoid as an excuse to abandon something, because whatever I do not finish, it’s in a way staying with me, as memory, as potential, as fact.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of prioritization, wherein I focus to most important things to schedule for the day, and then doing them, yet still allowing to not to be exhausted with the honest asking – how much I can or want to do today and then doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I can feel automatic and monotonic for some hours, days, yet not considering to slow down within to see that there are thought-streams within me continuing to flow and as I am busy reacting, moving, I do not notice them, but once I slow down, stop, look inside – I can discover that oh crap, I used to have less backchat but now it’s on – and I should work with those patterns to disassemble and decompose, prevent and solve their origin issues.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not trust myself in the situations of frustration, maybe not even realizing, that I kind of trust myself by default, but at the same time I am returning to an automatic pattern for some reason of being uncertain, frustrated, unstable – and then I have to slow down and ask myself what is the real issue here.

For instance, with the website installment – now since 3 weeks it’s on me – there is no pressure, noone misses it, I hoped it would be easier to do, yet with one hour I could not solve it, so I decided to continue later, without specifying when, or giving myself a deadline, or a commitment.

So this is one point – I did not commit myself to do it – rather just ‘kind of would be nice’ – but with things more complicated than one or two actions, one has to plan, structure, organize and really take responsibility on.

So that’s what I am going to do.
Thanks for reading today, take care, enjoy breath.

As always, I can’t recommend enough Desteni I Process Online courses, (LITE is free), but there are a million other self-supporting blogs, sites online, such as, Journey to life blogs of a lot of people sharing their realizations, struggles, honesty and dishonesty.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... y-memores/

Looking at loss in itself by my memories.

Definitely interesting aspect of self. Recently I started to work with the definition of this word and it is extremely rewarding to comb out the delusions and fears from our code of living.

It is quite easy to trip down to the reactionary emotional roller coaster when got attached to something or someone and ‘losing them’ for any reason. I am left with a relationship in my head without backup from reality. Literally my mind goes off-sync with facts and I am still responding through memory.

Not saying the best to become steel-hearted computing machines when someone passes away or leaves us, but to be adult and mature means to be able to mourn or even celebrate all we got from what we no longer experience, yet to remain in practical reality without pretending or faking stability.

I’ve had a quite emotional breakup a year ago what seemed very dramatic in that time and what made me stabilize is that there is only way to remain here and keep moving forward by respecting what I have learned, gained and grew with. What I gave and received, what was here as a visible potential and who I can become or even more.

What was also assisting that I was very transparent so to speak of what I experience, realize and struggle with during the whole partnership and although the other person did seem to appreciate it, was not given back to me on the same level and I reacted to that, so there was this hidden expectation that if I open up, the other will as well, which then is the door to any kind of solution. Seems natural from a perspective. It seemed practical too, difficulties presented themselves, if the commitment is valid to stay together, there is nothing what really is a problem, only solutions to find and apply to.

Based on that loss experience, I felt as I am losing the opportunity of this transparent open communication and I got attached to that, because my definition of it was not of and for self primarily, or even if it was, also was conditioned to a partner. That was a mistake.

One should not rely to another within stability and honesty, it’s self work. One can give or receive support with it, and any dependency should be agreed and committed to, otherwise it’s not support but a time bomb.

I also had several occasions when I concluded that the only ‘defense’ against the overwhelming loss and disappointment was that I am ‘impeccable’, I did all I could – and although it’s not entirely true as were mistakes by me, were weaker moments when I reacted with blame and worry, but in the bigger picture, I felt like this is me in this moment and situation and one can like it or not, I KNOW that I will improve and grow, especially by making those mistakes and learning from them. I used to be almost literally petrified by the overwhelming thought-streams of possible mistakes to make in reality, thus had to re-align with this and simply go out, be vulnerable and do my best while accepting that I will make mistakes not to judge but learn from.

So at a point also had to realize, the other has her process, her reasons, experiences and challenges and it is certainly not my style to convince anyone to stay with me so the loss I experienced was obviously personal and in a way to my own desires and expectations about the person.

Usually all of my angers are obviously against myself – when someone does something what feels really not cool to me usually I blame myself for trusting the person, often for not seeing, interpreting signs and for hoping to be able to trust and I am angry because I feel stupid as was a mistake to trust the another. But not really for trusting the other I am angry – I am angry, because I let go of self-trust unconditionally here. Big difference.

Well, within that self-inflicting anger it is to realize that anger is powerlessness, because I let myself to believe that I have no power of directing my trust, hope and openness, but in fact I do.

When people ‘fall in love’ – it is obviously automatic, they do not have power over that, it happens by their standards, desires, hopes and judgments. So whenever I automatically trust and hope and it turns out to be not rewarding or trustworthy, I automatically feel disappointment and anger.

So as it comes, goes – that’s why destonians suggest not to trust love in the mind, as energy, as it is a false prophet – will appear, stimulate and go – equally so within the another person – this is called the ultimate unpredictability, it is quite a toll to rely on this for self-stability for starters.

The whole arrow of cupid hits me thing is showing how gullible we can be to our desires, hopes and delusions. I do not say from this ‘sudden’ love people can’t build and grow true and real love(what is action, in reality, care, commitment and stability), just it can’t be automatic.

I was with a girlfriend in a previous relationship at least 12 years ago, who with I did not have this automatic emotional train ride and I defined it to be ‘not love’, ‘boring’ and now I see it was kind of cool because it was an opportunity to define and live love, whatever I would like it to be, but as I was raised in an abusive environment, where argument and conflict established the emotional baseline, I was always attracted to that kind of relationships. Also, the lady seemed to ‘fall’ in love with me, even on her strange way she demonstrated that and it was difficult for me, because it seemed as fun at first but the more time passed, it was obvious that in a way I can have temptations to use her and not really being the best of myself with her. I judged myself, her and I did not want to commit, so ended it. Interestingly from time to time this comes back at me and makes me wonder if it was a good decision or not, because I got the opportunity to create something and I was just not ready for that. I was so busy with the whole mind-stimulation with drugs and basically I was mind-possessed with self-interest. Years had to pass while I was able to walk through those patterns, but I see it now, I was able to see what I am doing, yet did not come up to fully conscious level, but enough to become uncomfortable of my own patterns.

What I see with not automatic ‘fall in love’ relationships is that it is also a work, a creation process – similar to go to a party without being drunk in a way – one has to be a bit more honest and a bit move oneself to really enjoy and get loose, it does not happen automatically.
Some are inhibited on the dancefloor, alcohol or drugs can help, but then it is kind of automatic, it is NOT SELF-DIRECTION. So it is disempowerment.
Not saying not doing it ever, away with the radical crap, just speaking of self-honesty, mano to mano with myself. It might be called a bridge once or twice, but beyond that it is called a crutch and kind of addictive.

In a way, within that recent relationship last year, it started with clear head but then I got attached to the idea of this being as a ‘clear head’ relationship, and then slowly but surely became a not so clear head one, when I started to see that it’s slipping away and I did not want it to let it go, I tried to work harder on keeping it, solving things, while was obvious that the other has no interest or capacity to work on this and I thus created the disappointment and loss experience. So loss experience is self-created!

It was very cool to realize later that it was probably gone way before I admitted yet I fought against facts and that made me feel and look even more desperate and powerless. That is an interesting point as well.
That is a sort of weakness because when my confidence breaks or shatters, I can have tendency to drop all around me and focus to myself to try to solve all the problems of the world – within myself, even though some the real problems are not within me.
The starting point is the opposite yet the visible result seems like total selfishness because all I seem to care about is how I feel, what I do or do wrong because I believe that it’s all on me, I made mistake, thus I have to fix it and then everything will be fine. Kind of like a martyr character.

It’s actually a good flag point when my confidence drops, what is the reason and is it valid? and the point is not to look at ‘how to restore confidence’ but rather to see what is the reason to doubt myself in the first place.

I have identified myself with the relationship itself and defined my stability according to it and when it was shaking, I felt my stability shaking too.

I still have dreams with that partner sometimes about letting her go or correct myself and it’s interesting to realize that what I think of the whole thing is that it was close to become a working relationship, although what I have to realize is that my hope made it seem to be close to that and when reality was not ‘there’, I glued it to be with my hopes and desires. Certainly the fake it until you make it here does not really work.

to be continued

Writing is really the best to work through literally anything. Get yourself a treat and walk the free online course on how to do it with Desteni I Process LITE.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... delusions/

Continuing from my last post. Based on that loss experience, I felt as I am losing the opportunity of this transparent open communication and I got attached to that, because my definition of it was not of and for self primarily, or even if it was, also was conditioned to a partner. That was a mistake. Well, lesson learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to the judgement and idea of possibility within a relationship and focusing to potentials, desires and hopes instead of seeing and feeling, experiencing and living here what is real – and within that creating inner friction, comparison, conflict and emotional energetic reactions, which then distracts me even further from my responsibility, which is stability, consistency, application of self-honest change, re-alignment and expansion.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be blunt, direct and honest with myself within situations wherein there is a possibility that I make mistake, I bet on something what might not end up perfectly as it could and within those situations judge myself, become angry with myself for the decisions and actions I took – or the actions I did not take but I feel like I should have – and thus creating distrust, doubt and instability within myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the actual and exact judgement wherein I was not making decision with practical common sense, consideration of what’s practical and for that judging myself, and also for not being directive enough for falling into automatic reactions in regarding to that experience I define as ‘fall’ or ‘mistake’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with the word ‘mistake’ and by that experiencing energetic reaction, like a shock in my mind as I did something bad, what then accumulates and defining my confidence, stance and integrity as less firm and reliable – instead of letting go the self-judgement and defining mistake as bad, rather to see how can I support myself to see mistake as opportunity to improve without reaction, without fear, without judgement.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined myself to be the same every day, automatically, without realizing, and more importantly, not being specifically sure why – and not question myself of what I do and why on regular basis, within that to not realize that I can re-align every day, every moment with what I see practical, self-honest without any external condition or inner experience by simply directing myself one breath at a time with clarity and self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in general, to not trust my own relationship with myself and wanting to boost it with relationship with other, others and within that defining and developing a need, a yearn, a desire as a hole within me setting up for a journey to fulfill and accomplish and within that general starting point becoming dependent and less directive within myself because of the conditioning I believe I have to remain faithful with in my mind as ideas of what I must do or act in order to have partner, get what I want and not realizing that this is because I do not admit who I am, do not want to be honest with myself of what I really want and how and why and within that fearing from judging myself and thus keep chasing ideas and experiences instead of arriving here on earth with practical common sense.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept myself to slip back to define who I am and live according to memories, my experiences to memories and contributing my life to become a tribute to the re-creations of several experiences wherein I feel good, stable and warm within and not realizing that it is an experience what I create based on the avoidance of my responsibilities within self-honesty – and thus the warmth I create is the relief from the defined difficulty from facing reality and not realizing the opportunity to solve my problems even if feeling more tough or uncomfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define uncomfortability to be desired to be avoidable and within that resisting things, experiences, people, conversations, actions what are resulting in this experience without questioning why and what is the reason for that uncomfortable experience.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within to see that the physical uncomfortability I experience at challenging moments is coming from the mind-based experience of uncomfortability and I have to decompose that, prevent it to be triggered MEANWHILE the already programmed physical is going to remain uncomfortable for a while until total and consistent change in relation to resisting uncomfortable situations, meaning to understand what is the difficult here: to admit what I fear within when approaching relationship, what I do not admit to fear to lose and what I fear from to be exposed to as several experiences from my past I still hold onto to define who I am based on what I want to avoid at all costs, such as trusting someone and the person decides to leave, thus not to give that trust and when doing so, still worrying to be left without realizing it.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that although in my conscious and logical mind I know that I should establish trust with myself and expand that with other and not to define my self-trust and stability according to other, however trough accumulation of emotional bond defining it as valuable, developing hope for it to be permanent and within that also developing the attachment and fear of loss without admitting it.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the common sense is to communicate with myself every day to see what I am accepting and allowing, accumulating, was any experience resembling to worry, attachment and then to deal with it, forgiving myself for doing so, with the understanding it’s trigger points, so then next time when would occur, recognizing it and assisting myself to slow down and breathe through and focus to practical change.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential to walk through my past, so then I can start living without fear and not realizing that it means not only to say letting go the past, not just trying not to think of it but to directly ask and answer to myself how I am still holding onto it and to plan, structure and achieve the letting go of it in a practical, measurable way.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that to fall in love although seemed to be beyond me, and when occurred to me did not realize that it was due to the fact that I was hoping for things and when those things happened, looked like my hope was fulfilled, so it was automatic in a way, and as it was not self-directed, but was built by emotional accumulation, that energetic charge had to be burned down when the relationship was no more and within that I was able to see the mirage I’ve built within my mind and the difficulty to let it go, because I got attached to it, exactly not to the person triggering it, but the very relationship within my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only real and true love I can create is with context- and reality-aware accumulation of actions as responsible – towards myself and others and if any energy is being created in my mind, what can lift me up or down in mood, is a sign that I am not experiencing reality, but through the polarity-based judgement in my mind, created by myself, through re-creating my memories.
When and as I am frustrated, experiencing any mood, I recognize that I have defined ways to deal with it, such as entertainment, desire for sex, wanting to leave being sober, get into a trance state – it is the moment I can take ownership of my life by declaring this to be the moment of responsibility and stand up and ask and answer to myself what is the actual problem I am facing but not directly, I am trying to distract myself from and to give the recognition of the realization that uncomfortability and resistance is a great support here to show where I am needed to focus to to solve my problems, self-dishonesty in reality.
So this is relevant, for instance after a busy week, when I did not deal with the judgments, experiences during the week, I can accumulate some tendency to ‘step out’, for instance just indulge to self-pleasing and entertainment during the weekend to ‘let go the tension’ and ‘charge up myself’ – and within that not recognizing that I accept reactions, not admitting what is the source of my uncomfortability, not focusing to physical body awareness for the signs of anxiety, but to fall into experience-dependency to define who I am and how I want to be stimulated.

That’s why it’s relevant to write at the end of the day – regardless of tiredness, even one or two sentences can save from the oblivion and re-align myself with the practical support.

All the loss I experienced in regarding to relationships is also just an experience – and how I defined myself according to these experiences – and how I used, in a way still might – try to use relationships to hide from myself. That is a cool approach to continue towards – in the next post, thanks for reading!

All the uncomfortable things you can list up – worth it, because often becomes resistance and then becomes behavior and you just accept automatic reactions towards uncomfortable things and you just end up deluding yourself and the world – using the mind not as an awesome tool to solve problems but to shield oneself from them.

It might be that generations after generations people tried to resist and escape the uncomfortable facts of the consequences of our actions but reality is always here to show what it is we are accepting to accumulate – it can become overwhelming to ‘wake up’ from the shield of our mind-delusions – even frightening but that’s why the Desteni I Process online course is setup with experienced buddy, great lessons and exercises to slowly but surely becoming able to be the responsible with common sense without losing our mind.

So many examples when it’s obvious about people who blame others for their own issues, such as racists, fascists, rapists – many get so obsessed that they actually hurt and kill within this mind-possession – and they all got there one thought and emotion at a time.

Not saying if you do not deal with your emotions and judgments, you definitely end up being a nazi – lolol – but if we care to investigate their mindset – the resemblance is obvious – they just could not accept and deal with something uncomfortable within thus programmed their mind to change their perception, becoming deluded and abusive.

In this term – who am I to judge others for what I might contribute to as well – of course there are ‘levels’, one might say – when it’s only self-harm, it’s fine – but what society is where we accept others to delude and harm themselves, maybe because we are so busy with deluding ourselves in the first place.

Thus to support the world – always has to start with supporting myself – take your time, effort – it’s not selfish to deal with your mind, it’s common sense.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... iscipline/

With the DIP PRO online course I am walking re-defining of specific words what are relevant to live the change I structure myself to manifest in regarding to several scenarios and situations in my life. Through walking the actual physical timelines of those selected past events I acclaim further understanding of what was happening under my conscious mind, the pre-programming, the beliefs, hopes and delusions as well.

This is the habit of a modern man in my eyes, saying ‘modern’ not as technologically advanced or actually related to the ages we live in, but rather the utilization of writing, self-honesty and the actual awareness accumulation with applying self-forgiveness. It is essentially crucial to self-investigate, self-introspect, because if we do not slow down, mirror ourselves back through investigating the words and their relationships we participate within, when not cross-referencing with reality and facts – we are basically too vulnerable for mind-control from all angles within society, including our ourselves. Everyone has weaknesses and strengths, but to know thyself is not happening automatically, only with disciplined and consistent application of tools, such as the mentioned DIP PRO course, or it’s predecessor, the DIP LITE.

Often finding interesting polarities, such as one recent, discipline versus relaxation. The belief and definition I found within myself is that discipline is like a laser focus, it is high-intensity and an all or nothing-type of switch, one what would imagine a samurai warrior to be within a sword fight when life is at stake.
I am always fascinated by discipline, finding it to be very important ‘to be good at’ – as it is what can elevate me from ordinary to extraordinary, because most of the humans can be easily distracted or tempted to fade away from intensity. That’s why about a decade ago most of my dedication within self-development was about ‘practicing’ discipline.

What I have attained was not really useful in actual real life, I’d rather say it’s a stubbornness, but oh jesus it’s exhausting to do.
Because it’s not really ‘professional’, it’s rather a mind-state of this is a battle, I have to fight with all my energy for this extreme state to upkeep. Well, obviously, resulting in exhaustion, tiredness and fatigue after a while. Sometimes earlier than I’d want it to be. Then I arrive to the problem of my definition and thus exposing it’s limitation within my own mind-dictionary.

As it’s polarity-based – I am not directly accessing and expressing the word to LIVE it in the flesh, but only through polarity – what costs, I have to play by it’s rules, it’s limited and definitely not unconditionally available at my will.

There were moments when I was questioning it, even before walking DIP course – like if I really consider, even my analogy of a samurai warrior at battle – he – or she – is not always on full power mode, to be able to act and react with the sword, must be relaxed as well, because if I strain too hard my muscles – they become slower, and obviously tired more earlier.

So this was often at the back of my mind but in order to admit, acknowledge, see and really understand, had to write the timelines at the points, where it originates from and what are the patterns through I am manifesting the consequences. For instance when playing music with others, who are really good, let’s say ‘professionals’. Or when talking at a corporate meeting to be able to intervene, speak up and express what I want in a way what is not reactive, but directive, has clarity yet not too firm with the consideration of others and myself equally.
Or when balancing my responsibilities during the days, to prioritize yet not compromise, to challenge my limits yet not exhaust myself either.

So – working on that with the course, takes some weeks. It seems like extreme amount of work invested in only ONE WORD – but I’d rather walk it now than looking back after some more decades and to realize I had so many years and did not walk this when had the opportunity. It’s a must to walk, decompose, understand and forgive all polarities from my mind, there is no excuse and this is who I am, so doing it one breath at a time.

Thus – today at one company meeting I was looking at the application of this – it was not totally planned, like woke up to do this today at this or any upcoming meetings. This is rather like ‘the week is about this, let’s see when I can work with it’. And today was this opening up, when I was looking at my physical body, posture and experience – while talking with my colleagues. I found myself to be quite relaxed, so realized this point and checked further in my body parts – where is tension, and in seconds I was confirming: I am totally relaxed physically, the body is at rest, yet I am still here, not in the mind faded away, and it seemed so casual, ALMOST judged myself that it was like when I was stoned in the past – except today I was not, rather just had the opportunity to be relaxed and at the same time discipline myself to communicate and share.

It’s something to write and talk about balance but when in real time seeing the opportunity to DIRECT MYSELF into that expression, it’s quite fascinating.
What I have developed to be able access discipline was okay, not perfect, but let’s say it was a good start. Now, with the re-definition of the word, I am able to expand so much, to further re-design my whole beingness, from physical stance level to the actual movement, it’s literally like re-birthing myself in and as this flesh. This is beyond anything, the most powerful thing in existence. Power referring here as life-force.

It’s still sometimes distracting the previously accepted self-programming of judging the level of relaxation in the body to react to, such as ‘wohoho how relaxed I am, cool, dude’ – but this will fade away as designing myself to not give attention to these kind of reactions, but honor myself with acknowledging it yet disciplining to remain in and as expression. But this time not with control and force, energy and rigidity, but opening it with self-trust and curiosity.

So discipline does not need to be intense or this self-soldiering to be, it can be casual – and I do not need to rely on certain types of body postures or expressions – in itself it is a decision, an understanding.

And it totally makes sense, for instance when I used to do juggling, it also has to be firm yet casual, because in the air, with the gravity – I can’t be too rigid and trying to control with brute force – has to be agile and spontaneous as well – but still directing the tool with clarity. For that one has to practice to have a feel, an understanding, skill and confidence as well, but if not being open to new and better ways, will not grow or expand anymore.

Same with playing music – now I am playing simple songs on piano with two hands and although it’s a closed, very specific and and exactly defined system I have to practice and be able to express(to read the notes and play in tempo) – there is freedom opening up within those moments to be able to give character and unique expression. Playing Beethoven with classic style, or jazzy or gipsy folk style for instance. And within those moments I have to find balance within discipline and relaxation – and thus maybe focus and awareness, application and expression is better word. But what’s behind is the living of the word discipline.

Of course, this is not rocket-science, many can agree with this and say – of course! But the thing is that due to everyone’s semi-unique past – all of us is programmed a bit differently, and it’s self-honesty to acknowledge for each of us to see – This is my own responsibility to correct.

For me it did not seem to have problem with discipline in general, I had the conviction that I am just superior in this than most of others, but when I decide to descend back to earth, into reality, the facts, the actual timeline of real experiences can reveal that I only believed that, and there is place for improvement. There are several situations, types of scenarios where I actually lack of discipline, no matter what, and in order to be able to live this word without bias(self-created) – I have to work with the surrounding words, the associations, the reactions, emotions, thought-patterns for a while to reveal the source, the core of belief, self-dishonesty and delusion. Then to plan an actual, walkable solution to express it.

Such as being relaxed, thus not getting tired at a corporate meeting while being able to focus to and effectively express myself with my words. It’s a skill, just like everything else, thus worth working with.

For this and in general I am immensely grateful for Desteni I Process course and the buddies within it(the experienced persons who we chat with regularly, who read and comment on our assignments and support us for more awareness and change).

Check it out – and the PRO course costs, yes, but the value it gives in time is extraordinary. And actually – if someone can’t afford it, there are ways to be able to walk the course without paying, so money can’t be a real excuse here. Rather than if I can afford it, I give value to the course and people and if I can pay it, I am also supporting someone else to be able to walk it without paying. As internet costs, servers cost, the people who spend many hours reading our assignments also have commitments and need to eat, etc – in this world this is how it is, at least there is no corporation or some greedy board of directors behind of this, but dedicated individuals who are literally walking and suppoting actual change.

DIP LITE is and always will be free – with also a buddy person supporting by reading your assignments, etc – it’s really extraordinary course and I just say again, no matter what is your life status, I am sure you can gain from registering and start walking it.

What I resisted these with was like ‘I am too creative and free soul, can’t be structured or limited into regular exercises’ – as these courses often require you to consistently write, for instance daily, or weekly – but the thing is if one does not do this – will not see the resistances, excuses coming up – as we all can have moods of ups and downs, wherein it’s so easy to justify to skip discipline or commitment – but actually facing it, I am learning about myself, my limits, my thinking, my weaknesses and strengths – just as when someone works out regularly – will be days when just want to skip it – and it’s up to self to decide.

So – the best is to work out on self-honesty regularly and then share it on blog – to be transparent, thus others can also understand where I am in my process, they can assist me if seems odd or not the best approach – or one might can understand the patterns you walk and share through.

This is where blogs and vlogs are shared for instance:

Ideal is to write every day – one might not be able to do so – I have been writing blogs since a decade now, and the current structure is called 7 years of Journey to Life – thus counting the days – this is the 400th since that commitment – several years ago it was – not that it’s a competition, but also shows the accumulative effect so I can reflect back who I am within this discipline, where is the direction and how to improve if needed.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ot-to-fix/
There is no particular topic I sit down to write with. Oftentimes this observation can result to not to write at all.

Let’s say generic observations in regarding to change.

Immediately I got a yawn – not that I am tired or sleepy. It’s the mind’s vocabulary to tell – let’s just shut down, this is not priority.

Self-introspection and questioning usually results with resistance and excuses.

Today I was at my piano class. I was playing a song at some point which I work with and the teacher was busy photocopying more scores some meters away.
I was playing the song and in fact almost was perfect, skipped one D note to play with my right hand.
Then she asked to re-play that line and I kept making more mistakes, including that one.
I was overwhelmed – not really – but in a sneaky way – I felt so close, was also excited that almost played it well, yet did not.
The more I restarted, the more I made mistakes, and eventually had to slow down and decompose to play it bar by bar with the specific hand skipping the note.
I got uncertain that this was ‘programmed’ in a wrong way to play as really had to take it apart for me to ‘find’ the missing point.

It was an interesting realization – I obviously understood that I skipped that note to play, also was able to hear it’s absence, but when I was playing, felt like I am on a train ride and I had to look to a lot of things, the note, look ahead, left hand, right hand, tempo, so my ‘correction awareness’ for that particular mistake was simply not enough to overwrite the point at I was making the mistake.

It was just fascinating to realize that this is a simple point – everyone faces of such all the time – and yet how much it relates to the overall aspect of the human mind in general.

Eventually I had to play the notes with 1/4 tempo a couple of times while ‘rewriting’ that part in my mind and hand memory where I forgot to hit the D key with the right when playing G with the left.

Then I was able to play it correctly, yet in a way I got into this uncertain vibe so then I got stumbled after that part. I had to do the whole flow again a couple of times until I was able to play it and eventually the session ended without playing it perfectly – so it became homework.

I also noticed, with the parts I play good, I have the tendency to want to play it faster – and the parts I struggle with, I still have this slight belief that I should keep it trying to play faster to ‘break through’ – as if I can play it fast, it means I know it. Probably that’s how I learned it with that mentioned mistake in the first place.

The experience and judgement of velocity has this stimulating reaction, feels like more than it is and can cloud awareness of facts and practical common sense. In a way it’s energetic addiction and it can be very subconscious or pretty dominant.

Also learned the lesson that if I make a mistake here – does not mean I should judge myself that I will not do good then – it’s like this polarity-based confidence, if I lose point, I have to gain it to recover it, like in a computer game. And of course it’s not that I want to be this way, it’s just at the moment who I am existing as.
Sometimes it’s enough to see a pattern to not fall under it’s spell again, sometimes I have to slow down and re-write, re-define in real time action the movement to re-train myself. And also can happen that I have to actively investigate, question and answer myself, write, break it down to multiple sessions, dig further, walk through points and understanding, structuring, planning and re-defining words, relationships and starting points.

I learn music because it’s very cool, but also it’s a form of applied self-expansion.

So much we can learn about ourselves, the mind, the human nature within literally anything – learning music, driving car, doing sports, cooking – if we put the awareness and self-honesty into practical application with the discipline for self-correction.

For instance, there is a lot of automatic behavior within me what work similarly – I apply the pattern automatically and sometimes immediately seeing that this was not the best approach.

For instance I saw a lady who I liked – when she was approaching, I wanted to express that I am kind of perceiving her as cool, yet when I was talking, sounded like I am applying stupid pickup lines. Not that I wanted that – but in a way I got into this strange vibe and felt a bit uncertain, maybe awkward, and from that this just came and I was mildly annoyed by my automatic behavior. In a way usually I trust my automatic self – not that I trust myself being robot – automatic: let’s say trusting myself in the moment, spontaneity.

But when there are patterns, issues from past, old scars, not self-forgiven aspects of judgements, worries – it can be automatically triggered and can slightly alter the mood of my mind, the attitude, this ‘self-trusting automatic presence-spontaenity’ – and all of a sudden – I do stuff I do not like.

Then it’s important not to judge myself, that ‘bad dog, stupid feckin pendejo’ – but to see what was going on within in the moment – because it’s not magic – there is always a story behind these mind-slips – what has to be brought in front of me, with empty mind – to see facts, cause and effect and make a responsible decision on how to proceed from now on.

I used to develop convictions and belief systems to overcome my impusive self-doubt – and it is unpredictable and does not support consistent stability, neither actual confidence without compromising effectiveness or real integrity.

So I had to break down what was going on within me when I was saying things I did not want – and turned out to be a gift to realize that I was experiencing desire, inferiority and hope, giving up and self-sabotage at the same time and that was exactly what I sounded like.

So next time this happens – I will be more aware of this tendency from the past and I can slow down, recognize the pattern and make a difference.

But for that I really needed to stop for a moment to really investigate, not punish myself.

These are little moments in life wherein one can live self-honesty and accumulate towards what is best for all – which includes self in a practical approach.

For that writing is essential – so everyone, anyone reading this – if there is resistance to write – it’s a clear sign that the excuse and justification, resistance and in a way giving up is on the dominant side at the moment and just for the sake of self-challenge – it is worth to write to see what’s going on.

Of course – it’s also supportive to dance, to carve an ice statue or lift heavy metal in the gym for hours to have a moment with self – but the most practical and direct way is through words – so if there is no effective and direct change – one has to question – am I really willing to and investing into betterment or not and if not – why am I accepting myself like this?

Many simply are confident that their thinking is so crystal clear, they do not need to write, they just can think themselves out from any uncertain or doubtful, troubled or problematic state – but the fact is that thinking outside of the box is still thinking – just in a bigger box.

Real change is not thinking, one can be the biggest thin king in the mind, it is still just in the head and if there is ANYTHING biased by ANY belief, fear or conviction – that thinking will be waaaaaay far from reality, facts and ‘actual truth’, thus it will not really help, even when it feels like.

We all can find or observe people who are totally crazy in the news, in public, family etc – and its so obvious for us that they got it all wrong – yet they can’t see, because they did not yet give the time and effort to slow down and investigate themselves, cross-reference their perception with facts and make the self-honest responsible action to re-align and change attitude, behavior and starting point. So that also can happen with anyone – and arises the question – am I not realizing something obvious? Do I want to? Why don’t I?

Many seem like their life is of an organic robot – day by day going on the same train ride what seems like normal and as who we are – but there are moments for slowing down and question – to letting go the indulgence to consistent self-stimulation and hunt for positive can result to breaking through into a wider perspective of creativity, freedom and responsibility what then obviously will be worthy.

I do work for big corporation (again) and often people seem so ingrained and accepting there that they do not realize their criticism is not real anymore but it’s a normally accepted moody dissatisfaction and giving up in the fear from imagined worse – and it’s always great to do the leap of faith if it’s common sense – to ask for or just do and be the change – starting with self-introspection and questioning, challenging, decomposing, forgiving and re-defining ourselves, word by word. Especially rewarding when we do not realize what’s common sense to go to a journey and find out. Just like this blog and it’s writer aims towards – write yourself to freedom!

There is always support, with the internet, it’s just one chat away, it’s okay to ask.

So that’s it about this spontaneous writing for today, enjoy breath and take care.

(featured picture is from an amazing forest in Kismaros, Hungary, 2014)

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... -is-grand/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my physical body as a vessel, a tool, a device for placement of my mind consciousness system and not considering IT to be ME as equal as one – in any and all moments consistently.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the tension I make my human physical body carry through my mind’s activities such as worry, anxiety, judgments, desires and procrastination and not seeing the doable solution to understand the source points of those reactions, thought patterns, their trigger points and within each to become aware of the give up, defeat, powerlessness and justification pattern and write what to DO to prevent to fall into those patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only relevant pattern, equation, science what I really need for change, improvement, expansion and power is to truly grasp what it means the 1+1=2 – as within it to see/realize/understand the real power in creation and existence is within accumulation – and thus to realize – what I sow is what I reap – thus to make sure that what I participate within – I am aware of it’s consequence – speaking of my own mind and through that all my interaction in this world.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am resisting to develop consistency toward accumulation through considered actions, I am accepting my self-limitation and thus I have to investigate why I do that and what is the thought-pattern, self-definition, the emotional reaction I maintain and re-create in that specific situation – thus being able to see the pattern before I am going to be participating within.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that to be able to see a pattern before participating within it requires further understanding which I have to embark onto a journey to discover, which means series of directed actions, such as self-investigative writing, decomposing thought-patterns, opening up old memories so then in the moment I do not have to think of why and what I feel or should do – thus I do not ‘Think who I am, but Knowing who I am’ – and within this practical knowledge is when I do not think in real time, but acting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down to the degree of being able to see my mind, my thoughts, and justifying it by ‘I need to work’, ‘There is no time for this’ or ‘this is stupid, I just can think myself outside of the BOX and not realizing, THINKING IS THE BOX’ – thus to become honest with myself that whenever I think, involuntarily – it is not me thinking, but my pre-programmed mind puts me into a situation it sees to fit, regardless of is it the best possible way or not, is it the possibly best for me and others, all life or not – and I am the only one who can deprogram it and give it a change.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I need to re-start process, BACK TO BASICS, and it is not to be judged, but to be honest with myself and no matter why, or how many times, but if I am slipping from the principled living, to get back to the beginning and start over with the most obvious points, things to write, forgive myself and start self-correcting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start becoming aware of a pattern and let it go and give it away within thinking or judging that it is now better, fine and get distracted by other points, other reactions, and not realizing that I did not walk this point to the utmost specificity and manifested yet into real, consistent and measurable change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself, my behavior, my thinking, my desires, my suppression, my reactions, my body, my visual representation, my habits, my taste for things and get distracted and mesmerized by the polarity system with self-definition of positive and negative reactions and not seeing the actual addiction to this energetic reactions, positive feelings or negative emotions, and within that to see that my mind is a self-balancing energetic parasite living off my human life force as the physical body, as the equal and one aspect with all of existence and within that to realize the ridiculousness, limiting and degenerative nature of the mind consciousness system each human accepts themselves to exist through and within.
I forgive myself that I have lost the consistent awareness of ‘each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth’ and fall into the games of my mind instead of keeping real, present and directive each day, accumulating expansion, awareness and practical change through applying radical self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself into actual and real physical change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
This is crucial for me, I repeat to write it down.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way what is not the utmost potential of who I am as life and within that not being absolutely detail-oriented and specific and thus allowing the tendency to generalize, judge and react, instead of keeping it practical, real and doable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself to be equal and one with my human physical body and judging it, reacting to it, and handling it’s weaknesses as something to hate, get pissed off about and not realizing the mirror what it holds to who I accept myself to be as beingness, as the representative and the earth ambassador of Life who I am, just as everyone and everybody else equally as one.
Enjoy EQAFE:

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... mpromises/

I’ve been looking my breathing application recently and what I have found is that there are still a lot of thinking and processing going through in my mind while evaluating how to breathe properly.

Oftentimes I have a quick realization of ‘I am in the mind totally, what’s up with reality?’ – and then I try to utilize breathing to ‘come back here’.
Almost like trying to use breathing as a valve to push myself out from the mind-activities, but from where it starts, it is kind of the mind, thus being influenced by it’s limited awareness. Well, my limited awareness as the mind is kind of a systematic manifestation of myself – locks in as a mirror of self-limitation. It can be a great tool, but the popular application of the human mind is to hide and separate, justify and blame mostly.

It’s kind of natural that I have to wake up in the mind first then to start accumulating consequences to spend less and less time in the mind as walking through the mind-constructs, self-dishonesties one by one, so then becoming aware of the physical body, presence and thus facts.

However what can compromise this process if there is anything programmed, sort of infested with the basic application of how to bring myself back here from constant chase of thoughts, feelings, emotions, comparisons, judgments, categories, memories, desires and worries. They can be really overwhelming, especially when not just about to act against one of those, to re-balance – for instance when I am really annoyed about something, so then deciding to just ignore, avoid, suppress, justify it and voila: seems solved for the moment. But eventually will return – in different scenario, because I never solved it in the first place, just postponed facing it.
Which might be okay if I am working with a specific point or dimension and not want to get sidelined, distracted.

What can happen with me – well what I can allow to manifest is that I have about 5 points I am ‘working on’ – and for the sake of progress – movement – I taste each of those problems a bit and do something about it – and when it starts to become this big serious point ahead of me, I feel overwhelmed and need to let it go, so then it is very specific to get tempted to get distracted by an another serious point what I also need to solve/stop/transcend/change.

In a way, all of my self-dishonesty points are intertwined, so might make sense to just explore and follow the white rabbit wherever it leads me to, but the fact is that there is a LOT of points what definitely could and should need a self-honest review and rel-alignment. However what’s practical is to grab a point and not to release until it’s clear, until I am honestly satisfied with the change I am applying consistently.

It is describing me a bit too in terms of hobbies and general activities – to have a great idea seems easy to me however to finish things, because it’s so easy to find something new and fascinating, it also becomes this overwhelming experience at the points of facing challenges and resistances.

Through objective eyes it seems like I have not yet decided what direction I commit myself to walk towards – so I had to make some self-agreements about how I approach specific things and points.

For instance making/playing music was always present since about 2004 – even when I was only focusing to filming and cameras for some years – and now finally learning it properly with well educated teacher and this seriousness almost feels like I should prioritize this hobby more than a hobby – so what I see is that the decision and investment of time and effort also can influence me on how much time I should spend with this.

There was a kind of uncertainty popping up the last week – I spent it alone and was fascinating to recognize the attention diversion from Process – meaning not just listening one or two EQAFE interviews – and it is one of the best thing on this planet I truly am certain about – to listen EQAFE support about a zillion topics – but to actually substantiate that insight, realization I see with the support of a specific EQAFE interview – that takes more than just an AHA! but needs to sit down, write out points, relate, cross-reference, walk the self-forgiveness to fully understand the thought-emotional-action-body-mind dynamics and then to be able to find practical ways to start accumulate into real change.

In the last month I’ve pushed myself a bit too much on physical and mental level and the exhaustion suggested more chill for sure, but in the meantime what kept going on within me is this restlessness as in a way still struggling in the middle of two worlds colliding – the actual reality and how I want to feel – and what I can experience is that if any of these I take into full view, I get reactive.

Far fetched but a memory – my father when I was a child got mental problems, he was alcoholic(whatever it means, fact was he was drinking a lot alone and seemed like this he liked to do quite often) and my parents got divorced and he moved to live alone at the edge of our small village. That made him more alone with his issues I think and one of the main points he was missing to see was that he did not admit that he is now in this category of being alcoholic, what needs support and some sort of change for solution. He did not admit that, he said he has no problems, all is great, while he was losing kind of everything.

To really accept what is going on in my life, not just the world, wars, famine and annihilation – that is really tough, I mean not just read articles and see some brutal videos – but to really grasp the level of suffering being brought here every day – that is literally heartbreaking and there are many people who get hooked on that and constantly explores the new ways of fuckedup-ness and they get angry, sad — or the other type of people who just ignore shit in the world until it’s at their doorstep because they admit that it’s too much and if they would see more, they would get influenced, and becoming unstable, literally would not being able to enjoy their life.

So delusion is here, ignorance(interestingly this word in my language literally called: not knowing) – ignoring to know what is really going on.

What I mean here is about myself, my life, here, every day – it’s fine if someone is educated about the world, but might be a distraction from self here.

After some years walking this process – basically consistently falling into self-dishonest action, trying to understand it, stopping, forgiving, figuring out how to change and prevent happening again and then seeing another point, issue, overreaction, resistance, superiority, inferiority, etc – I see that the major points within me are still here – it’s almost like bipolar now – I am cool, clear, directive, present – or I am just fallen into some pattern and acting it out until there is energy for it – what I have accumulated through my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

It’s like an engine, a drive, a power plant – a little system within me and every time I have doubt, not being sure, not trusting myself 100% – how I am doing in the world as the world as equal as one with me – I break the harmony with my mind – if you are able to see this, you are doing awesome – that the moment here is just very continuous and when you experience thinking – it happens – in that thinking moment you are dropping the continuity of that moment. It’s like asking for intervention, wanting to hear some help to make me understand, make me feel smarter, safer, cooler, better.

And each time I think, energy moves across the body and the mind and this is where breath can assist as it is purely physical, I do not give attention to thoughts, emotions – I simply breathe, being physical, embrace what is here, total acceptance of facts.

This is often being perceived to giving up, like accepting this crappy world, myself and then the fear can arise that if I will truly accept myself as I am, what if I will be okay with it, but in general, I already see that there are not cool things within me.

And this fear of defeat can sabotage to see things as they are.
Especially when someone can get overwhelmed by tough things, for instance in my past one time I did hit my dog with a stick because I lost it, I was frustrated and angry and I had the power to do it – and it was so wrong, immediately after the deed, I was tainted with this for many years.

So many bad(let’s say: not optimal) things we have done and the only way forward is self-forgiveness – we can’t wait for some shady divine indoctrination to give us the forgiveness for what we accepted and allowed to do and become, we must take full responsibility to stand up.

I’ve noticed that when I reach the critical pressure point, I start ‘breathing’ – meaning literally taking over from my body and start blowing air out and then breathe in, almost like a machine and just slowing down within, calming too and how I utilize this technique when facing the world, myself and starting to get overwhelmed. There is still thinking behind it and that’s why it’s not fully effective. So this time looking at why I accept being a bio robot.

Walking self-forgiveness and further investigation in the next post .

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... nderstand/

My last post was not well structured, so it’s time to continue with self-forgiveness to see things more clearly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control breathing of my physical body in order to balance the overall experience of myself here and within that not realizing that while I believe that I am now stopping the mind, what actually happens is that my starting point is still in and as the mind, meanwhile sometimes when being overwhelmed and losing control, stability and ability to enjoy things, others, myself – then I utilize the breathing to pacify the waves what I’ve created with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and only doing it until I am experiencing this control-stability again, but eventually again returning to the reactive mind activities, thus not really changing, not really realizing, forgiving myself or stopping the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being honest with myself how I utilize breathing as a separate tool only for stabilizing myself yet not cross-referencing, clearly seeing the extent of self-dishonesty within this application as only applying breathing momentarily to stabilize myself, instead of developing a discipline of being able to be vigilant and disciplined to completely re-align with the starting point and not the mind be the starting point but the physical direct living here.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that me breathing as controlling the lungs, muscles, blow in and out air is not natural breathing, it’s rather a thought-process directed to mechanically controlling the breathing process and in those ‘returning to breathing’ I need to be able to see what caused me to call this breath-thought and why, what was going on in my mind before calling that, and that whole situation, context, experience I have to be able to understand to find the self-dishonesty, not just breathe whenever it feels difficulty what I can escape from with buying time from my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of accepting myself here without fearing of judgement of myself or others and within doing so I am not seeing that I refuse to see reality, because I am busy perceiving and interacting with reality through my judgments and trying to avoid to trigger my negative emotions and trying to trigger my positive feelings and thus having difficulty to fully understand what is the situation here, clearly, exactly, thus causing any proposed solution to be matching reality, therefore having difficulty with real change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to be harsh and judgmental about myself for the sake of energetic experience what might seem to boost my passion for change, yet as it’s energy-based – with that energy boost I might be able to change a point within myself, what causes that type of energy to accumulate in the first place, but then once the energy is gone, there is nothing to prevent myself to go into that same pattern again – thus creating this cycle of walking a lot meanwhile not really moving ahead at all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see that what I suppress is because I judge as bad, nasty, selfish, and thus not wanting to see these within me, and as not seeing them, not really investing to solve or prevent those, but in the background of my mind, they accumulate and when reaching a certain energy level, they just resonate within me so much that creating a point wherein I do those things what I suppress, and because of judging them as bad, I will suppress them and within that believing that I am transcending – until the next time they come out – and not realizing that what I also can do is to sit down with myself and ask – what’s this desire, want about this point I judge as bad – what do I really and truly desire here and what I actually do, and what is the reason that I judge as bad. Within that to realize – because I do not do those things as I really would, but kind of substituting with something I am aware of being self-dishonesty – the whole dynamics of this I judge as bad, and in the end I judge my actions, and becoming overwhelmed and distracted with the experience of judging myself, instead of the possible solution.
And those self-misunderstandings are not rocket-science – let’s say to be able to see energetic dynamic from suppression to obsession and potential energetic possession can manifest as suppressed sexual desire by self-judgement can accumulate to a mind state of becoming obsessed to get sex(ual experience) once or twice a month and then judging myself for that, instead of looking at it holistically so to speak and acknowledge self-communication with clarity to recognize: it’s ok to have sex, so why not to do it? And from that moment anytime judging myself – to see if this is honest feedback and then I might am going too wild with this point and it’s time to evaluate if still am I honest with myself here and re-align accordingly.
Another example can be like when I wish for a cake and say to myself – no, I can’t have this now, too much sugar recently – or I am exercising or I am sick now, whatever reason today no to simply fall into such impulsive desire – and I if I love cakes and that seems relevant to who I perceive myself to be, then I can say NO for only so long, and eventually I might end up just eating five cakes at once, which might be more worse than just having a bite here and there from time to time and just enjoy it fully.

So to judge stuff as bad can result in this police mind, saying – NO, back to your jail! And then the prisoner might escapes from time to time wherein I am just driven by it for a while, I am not in direction, but my suppressed aspect catching up – so then next time not to be the policeman and the judge but to support myself with self-forgiveness and actionable plan to change.

That’s why it is crucial to open up points within self, from past, wording out and bringing those here – might not feel wonderful, but it’s just there is no other way to face and truly change.

Another example suppressing financial struggles manifesting me to become less responsible with spending because if I am constantly reactive and worried about my lack of financial stability – making me emotionally and mentally less stable and more vulnerable to impulsive or irresponsible spending.

Or without the ‘financial struggle not cool’ feel, I am spending and eventually that not cool feel will return and that is how my life’s financial aspect is being in equilibrium – fear for survival will make me spending less.

Not being clear on why and what I want money for specifically also fogs out the direct goal to reach thus when temptation comes, there is no specific point to bring up as common sense, therefore the whole ‘lack of money’ thing is just an other con within me, being part of the big dynamic of how my mind finds its balance across all of my every day living. And the mind in balance is not a bad thing, when people force themselves to shatter that balance with alcohol or drugs for instance – it can become madness and insanity for sure if the person can’t find their balance back soon, they can render incapable of staying effective in the system.

That’s why it is crucial to work progressively with the mind and oneself, not with rocket launcher, but with writing one word at a time. Knowing is useless until it’s being used, so even the greatest revelation will not mean anything if I do not apply it to my own life.
Ok, so in this moment I had a breath out sigh, type of bringing myself back here.
What also can happen is that before applying breathing, I am finding out where is the body at – in terms of do it needs to breathe in or out, is there air in my lungs, or is it empty – and that kind of ‘processing’ – makes the whole ‘stepping out of the mind’ kind of strange, because I am not even aware of where is my breath literally and when I reach for the breath from the mind – I NEED EXIT A.S.A.P. and those extra moments to figure out how to CONTROL my breath are very revealing to how wrongly I approach this breathe thing since long decades.

It’s a kind of pattern what I’ve developed during my spiritual practices, when I was doing zen meditation and all I wanted was to quiet my mind, to smoothen the surface of my mind-lake and whenever something came up – I just pushed it back underwater and said – QUIET!

After a while it was really difficult to keep all in one place because what happens is that I am with myself, opening up myself and I want QUIET – meanwhile this is a moment with myself, so things will pop up in my mind, what I forgot before, what I haven’t dealt with, what I am worried about, what I desire, all the things I’ve put into my mind, meaning what I think or feel about. Everything is here with me and they usually pop up automatically, but when I am in this DISCIPLINE MODE – I want nothing, but discipline.
What I do is basically perfecting suppression with the meditation. Note: it can be perfected in terms of becoming this mind-samurai, and anytime one can just switch out from the patterns into this clear space of mind – seems very cool. HOWEVER this will not solve anything.

I see I am still doing this, instead of wording down issues within me – it’s tough – because once I honestly admit and write down everything as they are – then there is no more distraction, escape, procrastination or diversion – in front of me written how much I compromise myself with suppression. So then the quest I should be on to find the answer to the WHY.
Why I suppress, do I not believe in myself that I can do this? Why I can’t trust myself on this matter, what is the justification for not wanting to do what I need to do in order to get something?

It all leads back to the delusion definition of freedom – to believe that I am more free if I can use my mind to experience things differently than they are – it’s not freedom – it’s a misunderstanding. Because I am not free by doing this, it’s quite the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe freedom to be to be able to avoid, experience, understand, suppress, procrastinate and deny facts here, meanwhile the true freedom is when I am being able to be aware of all what is here, because whenever I am not aware of something, it indirectly or directly makes me enslaved to it by my starting point of believing not needing to take responsibility for that point I want to elude from, meanwhile the solution is in the WHY I want to elude it.
These points are outflows of working on my assignment to Desteni I Process – wherein investigating the words I live and to see how can I re-define them in order to prevent fear, polarity, self-interest. It is simply put literally a life-saving course. Noone really knows how lost they are until they start walking this course and how structured one can become with consistent application of writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements, so then in real time to be able to make a difference. Even if it’s about forgetting watering my plant or how to approach society, the world system.
That’s why does not make any sense to jump into world-changing meanwhile I have not yet walked myself to change before – because that means I have no idea how to deal with my weaknesses, I might not even know what those are and like that engaging with great world systems, corporations, law, money, politics – it’s really easy to make mistakes there with a delusional mind.
I had this strong impulse to add to the world change somehow in my life, need to save everyone and had to slow down and to understand that I have to save myself first. And although I would LOVE to work with world system, finance, education – there is still so much things to correct within myself.

This was difficult to admit, after walking process(of desteni-supported self-change), although it’s not like a workplace where after years one is being promoted to be more senior position, like as from internal now should be time to work the external. Rather to realize – the two are the same, but the only thing what balances it out is practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be difficult to truly, directly admit and embrace, discover and research facts about how I behave, who I am, and what I am doing in my life every day, in cycles of days, weeks, months and years and to be able to NOT judge myself, just observing objectively, and not considering what it takes to be able to do that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression is a good tool within my disposal to be able to feel and do better, because of it’s addictive experience of clearness, clarity and unshaken stability, as whenever I would go into an emotional reaction, I just suppress, and after a moment, I am here, clear again – almost like as I say my mind is a lake, and even if I throw in a car – it will just sink in a moment and the surface will be clear – however that sunken car is in the water, all the things in it will leak, like the oil, petrol will just spread in the whole lake and becoming contaminated, until I will not take the effort to lift out that car and deal with it on the surface, such as taking it to junkyard, disassemble and recycle, so then the lake can start healing – meaning instead of suppressing things, actions, reactions within me it with judgement – to be able to notify, understand, yet not judge, not react, not categorizing – yet still trusting myself that I can see that this is not acceptable in the long term to sort it out, solve it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and worry about if I fully embrace myself who I am, I would accept myself with my flaws, self-dishonesty, weaknesses and then I would be alright to live like that, and that would make me feel as given up and lost and within that fear, actually not realizing that with the cycle of suppression, as I am not truly changing or solving – it is literally what I am manifesting currently – not changing, but only making myself not to experience what I want to change or perfect until it just grows on me and will take over me to show me that it’s still there – and then if I suppress it again – I will not see it, thus I will not see the need to solving it, therefore to be able to see how the suppression happens, when, how is crucial, even if it means less balance or stability for a moment, as I trust myself that I am going to deal with this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to look at stability and balance as something I have to create, maintain and control, instead of looking at things what challenge and I accept to sabotage my natural balance and stability by seeing the points of reactions, judgments, doubts, desires and fears, such as sexual and monetary insecurities.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression is something I have to work every day with, actively, with structured application of writing, opening up, planning on solutions and cross-reference it’s progress, otherwise I will not directly see how or when I suppress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for desires because defining them not too high level or inferior, selfish or addictive, and not realizing that the things I can do are not the problem, but how I approach them and how I accept to relate within me is the source of not being the best possible way on living – and not realizing that having sex or money is not wrong at all, although as I have defined myself that I am more than desiring those, I want to be not dependent to those, I want to be free of those made me believe that I can pretend not needing them, and whenever I have experience of desire for or fear of not having – I simply suppress that experience and keep maintaining the ‘not caring about this’ experience.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual enjoyment to challenge myself to see all my desires as they are and within that to see that the problem is only because of how I compress self-dishonesty into solidity by accumulation thus becoming part of my self-definition, instead of being honest with myself that – Okay, I need more money, I want a house, what I have to do that for, okay, not to but expensive cameras for 3 years.
(not that by the price of 3 cameras I could buy a house, but in a way, for the price of ten maybe).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate my desires to the perfect imaginable situation and whenever there is opportunity to reach the initial desire of mine, to compare it with the desired imagination and not being that perfect, resulting in comparison, judgement and refusal, however it might be just I am deluded to see what potential is actually here by the absolutism possession in my mind.
(such as I want a house in nature, near river, forest and animals, with fast internet, etc – it is expensive – and I might have to start somewhere more realistic, to get one what is affordable, thus creating further financial stability first, then move forward from there)
So what seems like I have big plans, desires, but the actual get to there is not tangible, rather being a source of frustration.
That also causes tendency to suppression.

And whenever these patterns step forward or I am a bit more aware of them, there is also shame of self-judgement, which is really not supporting.

But in a way it is mirroring what’s happening – I judge myself, I feel bad, because I do not really change, and although I do select what facts I want to see when about who I am – about not changing I see the fact as it is and that gives weight to this feeling bad about myself in comparison to potentials.

This shame is quite rare within me, but when it’s here, it’s kind of revealing the whole general mindset.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not doing more than now as I see potential to do more but not being very specific in terms of what I am ashamed of and what I actually can do more or differently, and within that to realize this is just an other trap in my mind to run it’s cycles of energy reaction/accumulation/discharge and within that flow, experience movement with energy, and to define that as real movement.
I had eczema on my chest some weeks ago and Mike mentioned points I wrote here now that these can support eczema. And I decided not to worry about money anymore and got some good creme to care for the skin spot. It kind of disappeared, but as I am now writing, bringing up these points, my chest is itchy, as indicating(I think) that I am touching the same point and as things come to surface, still not yet solved, but first have to bring everything here so then no need thinking, feeling, reacting to be able to experience these – then I am able to see what’s necessary to be done.

For instance about money point – to agree with myself on what I can buy and when – for someone this is easy, for me as I always had easy salary since finishing university – my pattern is that no need to put aside money, each month I get a lot until I am working – but that is kind of limiting – because I can’t buy more than my salary and I am destined to always work in this way. Which, of course I have judgement of not being good about and by time it also accumulates into being discontent, what I also can just suppress for a while.

So this post is quite eclectic, opening up points and applying self-forgiveness at the same time but in general this is way far from being fully revealed or being done.

What also matters is to rather focus to consistent walk, multiple times a week to write and share about this, instead of now trying to break the iceberg with one go. As it’s not really doable anyway, especially as these points within me are present in every day living, thus needs to be worked with in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the opportunity to write every day and within that not just writing, but utilizing to a specific point within my life, such as suppressing financial-related reactions and disciplining myself to spend more responsibly. Or working with sexual energy in current situation not having a partner and prevent falling into temptation for objectifying, suppressing or exerting something what can be completely normally expressed and enjoyed without a judgement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppressing breathing here is a sign of suppressing energetic experiences of judgments within myself and accumulating into instability and emotional compromise, lack of vision, direction and general awareness of what’s happening here in reality, thus I commit myself to work with suppression, reveal my suppression trigger points, reasons and justifications in order to prevent myself falling into denial of what’s here within me in relation to the points I want to be better with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that mind-energy experience is like sugar, it’s whoosh creating a big wave within me, but it tolls my phywsical body, it’s stability, it’s capability to deal with reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing control, to fear from being exposed who I am without suppression and fear of being judged by myself and others and wanting to be accepted and loved by others because I do not accept and love myself unconditionally at all times, and not realizing that it’s tangible and doable to love and accept myself with walking the points of self-dishonesty specifically to change with application and living of self-forgiveness.
to be continued with further investigation of suppression.

I suggest to listen EQAFE – it’s exceptional support. For instance I’ve listened this: ... ife-review

Quantum systemization of the mind and physical

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