https://talamon.wordpress.com/2020/03/0 ... verywhere/
Continuing with Suppression rant before walking Self-forgiveness on the topic.
When I was younger, I was so susceptible to emotional manipulation – what I reacted to positively made me feel extremely enthusiastic and what I did not like I completely ignored or got offended by on conscious level – this I have admitted quite late, just about a couple of years ago, when the current girlfriend of mine in that time once seriously asked me: ‘Do you believe anything I say to you?‘
Even after exposing a lie one after another, I really wanted to believe what I heard as sounded so good, thus when she promised something, I just believed it, the hope was real – unfortunately only in my delusions. That is a topic for another day: idealizing promises and verbal agreements to the point of blind trust instead of working with facts and common sense. In a way, this could be considered a very honorable feat, yet it is not if I keep making a fool of myself.
Instead of choosing standing up, out and face the facts, even if those are not so cool, I kept choosing to believe what I wanted to believe, because I could not stop being haunted by my own automatic reactions to reality, I’ve got addicted to the pacifying experiences of not feeling bad. All of a sudden, I start to feel good by suppressing the initial bad!
Of course, the practical common sense would suggest to not disregard signs of facts based on what I automatically feel good about – it’s like with kids – they always want to do the cool fun 24/7 – eating sweets, playing games, yet the reality is that they need to take responsibility and find enjoyment within balance and a sort of sustainability in life, otherwise they will end up just as us, adults, only driven by an inner compass of automatically doing what seems best for us/our cared ones. Yet, even when people seem to ‘only care about caring for others in the name of love’ – don’t they suppress their own self-love? Projecting value and self-definition outside of self due to inferiority. The variations of self-delusion are limitless, yet in a way, they are all the same. Obsession with reactions/experiences, compartmentalization of polarity-based interest.
As I mentioned before, I sort of had the traits of a megalomaniac, enforcing my hopes and beliefs to reality so much that I was able to see only what I wanted to see.
Yet, when I was disappointed, offended with something, it was mostly just a split second, where I felt crap, then I suppressed it and in the next moment, I was ‘clear’ again.
What I also have failed to realize is that any single suppression in any moment will not be ‘cleared away’, but will become part of me, within me, just separated from my awareness, yet still influencing, infesting, limiting me – accumulating…
I even had these glimpses of images in my mind of me ‘sobbing’ sometimes, but only for a quick moment, almost like wanting to, subconsciously, but of course, can’t, yet it made me good for another moment, but even that ‘feeling’ reaction to it was also just for another moment only.
Suppression always has it’s limit, thus the occasional rages I had, when things got too much, I just wanted to get crazy, almost like destroying my life what I have built thus far. Almost like unconsciously wanting to destroy my creation as already sensing it to be a dead-end, a delusion, a trap.
Why I’ve got addicted to suppressing emotions, reactions? Because I could not stop them from being triggered and within those emotional states I always underperformed, made mistakes, did regrettable things, I lost my perception of clinical decisionmaking.
That’s why I still till this day can have difficulty with consistency. Because I accumulate suppression of aspects of myself during long-kept obsession with other things, and eventually all will flip, even if I do not want that, especially ‘not now’ – actually never ever. Yet once I am fully charged with suppressed energy, it just takes over and exerts, dragging me around, like a ragdoll until the energy is out and I feel down. So then I immediately start to pump it up again with focusing on the positive, so the whole cycle restarts…
To introduce a new habit, learning, activity, creation, even if requires a massive effort is not that difficult for me. Yet to remain within that to reach quantifiable accumulation can be extremely challenging.
This is also due to the self-abuse of defining and working with myself based on experiences and not actual real facts. As I just generate this reaction in my mind by a specific trigger point, which I know by experience that will make me feel less crap and more good, so all I end up becoming is this word-programmed fuzzy logic organic robot, auto-balancing out taking punches of ‘bad’ to accumulate ‘good’ experiences. This is literally the definition of artificial intelligence. Is this really intelligent? Hm…
Due to the nature of my personality, I’ve developed a sort of direct relationship with mind-energy addiction and suppression, which took me on a journey to get obsessed with sex, drugs (and rock and roll).
Probably that’s why I like trance – the contemporary power-dance music – in a way it’s similar to sex – repetitive yet it still has it’s arc(or let’s say ark) and flow from here to there yet during its trip, I am in a cool ‘place’ where moments seem infinite, whole yet safe.
TRANCE. Dictionary definition: a sleeplike altered state of consciousness (as of deep hypnosis) usually characterized by partly suspended animation with diminished or absent sensory and motor activity and subsequent lack of recall. 2 : a state of profound abstraction or absorption
In a way, trance is hypnosis, precisely here to my case: self-hypnosis.
I have a ton of experience and insights about sex and trance, yet those topics are what people rarely talk about directly without reaction or conviction or the toxic bullshit current society’s brainwash adds to in the game of money and power. I have even got to the point of doing silly/self-abusive things about those two for a while, just as I got a bit too obsessive with the energy through these activities to maximize my states of expression without suppression. Specific drugs also take you on a trance trip, yet if you are not clear and absolute self-honest(and then you really do not need them), they make you a believer, which is even worse than not doing them at all. I’ve got my own 7 years of Tibet spiritual trip to reach enlightenment, yet, of course, it never really came through, only glimpses of potentials and wicked stories to talk about. I was never ‘found’, ‘present’, ‘here’, yet constantly ‘seeking’, ‘yearning’ and ‘searching’ outside of myself for – ironically: myself.
During those ‘trance’, ‘sex’, ‘meditation’ experiences, it’s almost like a cycle where time disappears, with it the conscious thinking as well.
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with trance music, dancing, sex or actual constructive meditation as self-directive problem-solving(I love these!) – yet if I participate in expressing those words through the mind, they always remain suppression – not living expression. Yet before Desteni, I had no actual, measurable way to accumulate stopping participation within the mind’s reactions, thought-chains, backchats, internal dialogues, blame, anger, etc, from where steering my living towards actual, living and physical expression without constantly getting preoccupied in my head.
Everything is in the words – no wonder I have resisted words to work with throughout my first, almost 3 decades – as I could not change my automatic definition, judgment, polarity ‘scoring’, reaction to specific – many, many – words. Self-definition can so inherently become the ‘code(x) of self’ that there is not even a consideration that I can decompose, release, re-define those words within who I am.
That when I am being exposed to something that makes me reacting ‘negative’ – it does not mean that ‘negative’ is all who I am – it’s just as I’ve defined who I am as consistently taking refugee within experiences instead of physical facts, I keep refining my self-definition based on further experiences, influenced by the past – ending up ever finding ways to distract, unsee, suppress experiences not ‘good’ to me in order to maximize the positive as I have ended up defining this is who I am and all I ever will be: an organic mind-body machine thriving on energy.
That when I make an obvious mistake, I do not need to fear that this mistake now is who I am and I can not change, so I develop a dislike towards that expression/aspect of mine, as I sort of believe: this is who I am, not even considering that I CAN CHANGE.
Because at home, in school, at work, it’s not shared how words, reactions, the mind, energetic emotional possession experiences are created. That is why all self-judgment exists: judging myself, sentencing myself to punishment, disliking something within myself in the belief, I need to lock this aspect/part of myself away as it is bad and I can not change it(myself). Thus suppressing myself, limiting myself, deluding myself.
I suggest everyone to repeat to themselves and others: I can change. Not changed by events, gains, and pains but by self here as behavior in actual, physical real-time.
I have realized in my early twenties that there is something inherently wrong with my approach in life, thus I have made my fundamental aim towards self-betterment. I had plans, desires yet I just could not get them. It was infuriating, almost being able to touch what I want, yet never grabbing as often seeing tremendous potentials waiting for me to harvest in the endless opportunities this world can offer, yet I often screwed up.
This might have not been that obvious, because among my peers, from where I have ’emerged’, I am one of the luckiest, got a job, traveled the world, I have supportive friends basically all over the planet, I have good qualifications, skills, attitude, reasonable health, physical abilities, etc – yet from within I have mostly focused on the negative throughout my entire life. As with the ‘secret’ of positivity delusion – among a million positive reactions there is enough to have one negative to ruin them all. Thus I’ve often seemed to always focus on the negative, because ‘good is good’, so no need attention, but the bad, needs to be good as well!
Everything and everyone I wanted to turn into a mirror to be able to self-reflect objectively to be able to evolve, I merely perfected spiritual meditation and trance dance and sex(not that actually there would be a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ way doing those, only judged in the delusion of the mind) to elude words polluting my peace bubble experiences, yet it was never enough to ‘breakthrough’ so all just became ritualistic goose-chase towards moments of inner silence yet the “despicable” thoughts(all of them I saw like that, they can almost feel like corrosive acid flowing through my body) always came back eventually.
It drove me mad, I went further and further to maximize the ‘profit’ from my energy mind to maintain the clarity of ‘undefined’, yet it really staggered and disrupted my actual self-growth as these type of recreational habits to control my experiences ended up controlling my life, spending too much time with people not being the most supportive, basically fighting experiences with experiences.
It’s kind of ironic that I get obsessed with trying to not get obsessed with myself instead of dropping the mic by acknowledging that this just adds complication instead of directly establishing clarity and transparency with self-communication: through and as living words.
Finding Desteni group, the study material, the principles, the forum, the youtube videos have literally been eye-openers to me in 2007. The forever best thing happened to/with me in this life. Period. I used to search and seek, look and keep finding explanation, help, someone to tell me who I am or what to do and Desteni simply showed: it is myself here I was missing out, searching for. Thus self-forgiveness, to be able to acknowledge what I have been accepting and allowing to experience, express and become.
This is how to understand and take responsibility for my own creation and these are the ways to accumulate awareness and self-direction.
Since then my life has become a billion times more clear, real and grounded and it keeps accumulating. I can take head-on huge problems, issues in my life with self-direction and start walking through them to practical change. I consider this to be the greatest power in existence, to respect that spark of life within self enough to start nurturing it slowly but surely preventing all self-sabotages to start living without compromise. That is also a reason why I do not accept living within self-suppression anymore as it really sucks because I just do not trust and express myself whereas I could and should.
Suppression is a very common thing, essentially if you have thoughts, you are suppressing yourself in those moments, completely. You believe that you are being smart, thinking your way out of that specific situation, yet the fact is, you cling on to the past wherein you have accepted to be imprinted with the pattern of judgment, a polarity, and self-interest. Yet any and all thoughts are just the mutation of the same past we’ve been re-living every day. Imagine living beyond reactions. Understanding and knowing without the need of thinking. ‘Be water, my friend‘.
To realize, thinking is so much inferior versus direct living is not a question of education, intelligence, luck or privilege, it only can be born from the answers within self-honesty and self-integrity.
Look at your reaction, if you can automatically be triggered to feel good or bad about ANYTHING or ANYONE – you are suppressing, because you have programmed yourself to not remain HERE in all moments equally, but you want to process what’s here based on your past through built relationships IN YOUR MIND.
I know, I am still doing it, yet there are moments of clarity, physical presence and self-directing principle coming through my words and actions.
This is because of walking Desteni I Process, the blogs and studying the material at EQAFE to understand how the world has been created, including my own inner one(s) as well. That’s why I keep repeating to share this, it is just that important.
From time to time I also can have a really sad, bad feeling about things in the world, like war, famine, slavery, rape, exploitation, yet most of my days I do not feel ANYTHING in my conscious mind – why? Suppression! And then when things just pour through, take me on a ride and all I’ve locked away wanting to break out and then it’s getting too much – so eventually I re-find my mind-bubble-balance with re-suppressing them again to at least remain somewhat capable of operating in this world system. Tough to admit but this is it.
I’ve convinced myself that if I would constantly ‘feel’ how the world really is, I would not be able to exist effectively in this world, because I would just constantly feel bad and sad or would just get insane. I mean, who does not care about the world, others, animals, plants, water, nature – basically ourselves? Self-conviction can be very strong, for instance, “I cannot do anything about the world, it is not ideal, yet at least I still can squeeze out enough positive experiences to not get smashed by all the negative things existing in this world“. And some can even add their own offspring, parents, friends, neighbors, etc, to their self-definition based on pre-programming and their financial situation.
Or the religious/karma people’s approach – who believe there is some deity/system who/what is benevolent and I should project trust towards and whenever I get the crap vibe, I just pacify myself that this is faith, the more I can accept, the better my life can be. Bollocks.
If I have no direction/influence on my life, what is the point, how much I would be actually ‘real’ then? Even if there would be ‘a god’ – if it’s not me here, what’s the point? And if it is me, then what’s the point separating it mentally? It’s like when people talk in the third person about themselves in their bio/CV – an obvious sign of projected self-separation: not being really real but gives them some mental/emotional boost to balance their specific suppression.
Obviously, there is no point or reason to agitate against ‘religious’ people here, yet if I would find myself to be in this self-definition, I’d rather ask the questions of
What do I participate in my mind during those kinds of religious trance mind-experiences?
Why do I not live within absolute self-honesty and self-trust in all moments equally already?
Why do I accept myself less than who I really am as potential as LIFE without any addition besides the physical here?
Anyone participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions are religious, believing within their own self-religion, which is self-suppression, because they can’t embrace the world and within themselves, as it is, they need superstitions to self-convince themselves that they are right, while everyone else is left out from the definition and interest of ‘self’.
As all of them are just the same self-mind-religions as people recreationally go back to specific experiences triggered by convictions: suppression, big time. So in this sense, it would be not fair to judge anyone religious meanwhile I also still participate in the religion of self-interest through thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It would be quite hypocritical. Thou shall not judge to be not judged. Not by anyone but self here. In this sense, religion or even spirituality are also various forms of suppression.
As Bernard Poolman stated: All religion harms life as disregarding the physical here.
The physical does not think, does not get emotional – it just is. Yet it is growing, expanding, it is LIFE. So that’s it, I do not want to be fake by participating in fake-self, I want to be real, more than anything!
I guess this is a pinnacle point of my self-defined existence – to be real – in this sense – to become the absolute opposite of suppression.
It’s funny how at my current work I am considered to be talkative, open and smooth;
” In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.”
Yet I know, if I look into me that I am still suppressing, accepting reactions due to un-processed self-definitions. Processing here literally referring to Desteni I Process, wherein I walk with self-forgiveness to become aware of each and every single point within me of why, when and how I react/think/feel/judge/project/etc. at certain, specific situations with certain specific persons.
I really enjoy talking nowadays, yet I remember, a dozen years ago I defined being talkative as pointless and annoying. Because talking can make me react, and reactions lead to suppression; suppression leads to mind-possession. So for a long time I believed to be better to just deal with my internal battles quietly.
Because for decades I had trouble shutting the fuck up in my mind, especially in conflicting situations. I really did not know what thoughts are. I have spent years studying scriptures, various ‘spiritual’ explanations of thoughts, where do they come from, where do they go yet only with EQAFE and Desteni I Process I started to understand their design and various aspects to be able to support myself to learn the ability to STOP the MIND-possession and start becoming real here in and as the flesh.
Mind-possession? It’s common sense if I keep thinking the same thing, it accumulates, if I react to thought with anxiety, regularly, that anxiety energy will grow within me; until the point of it becomes so strong that I can not suppress it anymore, I can not separate this experience from myself here. It’s like a drop of ink in the bucket of water. Drop by drop it just taints, paints it black the whole and at that point, I can not ignore, lockdown or hide it.
Remember, we are programmable by words – if we give permission to others, the world to react to, we basically give permission to feel, experience and eventually talk and behave automatically according to forces outside of self’s direction.
Great example is government propaganda – currently, in Hungary, my home country, up to 2020, today, the nationalist, proudly ‘illiberal’, extremely corrupt political party have been brainwashing the population with scare tactics, blaming refugees, brown people, Jews, Arabs, gypsies, democracy, socialism, equality, anything they fear – every day through centralized, censored TV, media, newspaper, billboards since at least a decade now and it is quite shocking to see it results working: xenophobia, hate, fear, extreme limitation, manipulation, abuse. It is purely insane. Of course, these manifested systems in the world also have to be seen as external reflections of accumulation of individual selves here, without any exerted judgment or blame but to see how am I participating in this, what can I do in my own reality practically to stop.
I highly recommend studying this documentary about how our society have been specifically programmed: The century of self.
The reality is really, really bad. – Yet that also shows the good news – accumulation works.
The same way we are programmed, we can be de-programmed and re-aligned with respecting the values of ALL LIFE.
Basically, that’s what people are walking with Desteni tools – accumulate awareness and change within consideration of principles of what is best for all, starting with and including oneself.
The fact that we do not get insane at this very moment due to what is existing on this earth is already proof that we consistently suppress. There is so much abuse happening in this world in every moment, accepted, disregarded, suppressed by most of the humans.
That’s why alcohol, drugs, entertainment, porn are also existing: we’ve separated ourselves from ourselves so much that we need those things to be able to experience certain aspects of ourselves because we have no direct control over our own self-suppression and self-separation within our compartmentalized mind consciousness system we perceive ourselves existing within.
If you go to clubbing and without getting tipsy/drunk or high you can’t relax, enjoy, let go of yourself to have fun – you are suppressed – needing to use toxins to suppress your suppression.
Yes, we convinced ourselves that it’s more ‘fun’ this way – yet the truth remains – we have no direction towards how our mind determines our state of being and living.
Same with the binge-watching TV series consistently, the constant entertainment. I get that it’s interesting to delve into a specific story, experience to have this roller-coaster ‘trip’, to learn about things, myself in the meantime, yet when our ‘fun’ becomes this only, almost like people’s purpose is to improve their ways of entertainment, it’s quite a sign that we are not really living in this world, yet being stimulated specifically to avoid what’s here and real.
Again – same with porn – whoever needs porn, to have that extra ‘stimulation’ – it’s because of lack of self-intimacy due to self-suppression. Porn lubricates the mind, which then we trigger lubricating our genitals with because we can’t just DIRECT and enjoy our sexual expression within presence, breath by breath.
Many people despise people watching the most wacky porn out there, yet those people are troubled to truly communicate with themselves, to really feel and love themselves and others – without the programmed mind-stimulation they do not get aroused that much, hence the dysfunctions, delusions, objectification, abuse as well. Porn-addicts need support, not stigmatization, yet society has been evolved and programmed to accept self-and other’s abuse to boost profit, self-interest and again: self-suppression.
Same with all the crime in this world – simply stigmatizing so many things as punishable, like drug-abuse, stealing, deceiving or even exploiting, harming others – we do not support them, we lock them away into cages – literally suppressing them as well.
I could go on and on – I guess from here the picture should be pretty clear: suppression is everywhere.
As the few who can control the many due to their own self-interest, self-suppression and lack of connection with REAL LIFE IN THE FLESH on Earth, they actively design society to suppress, get deluded and become dis-empowered, so then they can be controlled, contained, manipulated and exploited. Otherwise, there is the (probably reasonable) fear of too much chaos, disruption, and destruction.
So, suppression is a sickness of humans, I mean everyone. Please stand up, reflect back if you are certain that you do not suppress EVER as you might even suppress your suppression act to a sort of automatic level, just like I can have the tendency to do so.
If you are ready to stand up as Life, study the Desteni Material and walk the damn process – otherwise, you will perish as you’ve never existed. And if you do not mind that notion, then that’s also fine, it is not mandatory to all programmed humans to transcend all the systems and birth life from the physical for the first time, you decide.
– the greatest online school ever existed!
. This site contains the most awesome stories and audiobooks, I can’t even fathom to express how much I’ve learned about myself and the world from here. Not just useless knowledge, entertaining stories, but tangible, practical, day to day practical support.
Just to make the point here, I’ve created a page on my blog, where I’ve just collected a bunch of
SUPPRESSION SUPPORT EQAFE
audio-books in a couple of minutes, I am going to listen through them to specify and refine my understanding. This is also a sort of proof about how extraordinary EQAFE is, you just have a point in your life you want to improve about, search there and BAM! – you get proper understanding and if you still need to further specify, you can even ask connecting the staff through the site!
here is my page on this blog: https://talamon.wordpress.com/suppression-support/
So in the next post, I will start walking self-forgiveness to my own suppression points.
See, writing is awesome – I’ve been ranting about my childhood and dad and have opened up a bunch of points regarding one specific word – that’s how we walk through and start seeing the systems within self-direction.
I mean, eventually, everything will be revealed what can be, so why not actively doing it in the flesh? No need to become radical here with the process, balance is key, yet it is the most honorable thing a human can do is to take full responsibility for their own creation.
That is how we all become gods equally(created, creator and creation itself as equal as one), to embrace living without mental patterns, projection or delusion but always dealing with facts through practical common sense. Do not believe the flashes of the mind, those are side-effects of your suppression.