Jozsef's Journey to Life

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... -and-more/

Figured, if I want to ‘beat’ my inherent suppression habits, which is nothing more but the definition of that I keep choosing what’s inside of my mind instead of choosing physical expression and living ‘outside of’ the mind, directly within presence.

I’ve been traveling in the last 2 weeks, met a lot of people, including awesome Destonians, visited various countries and I’ve got a lot of support, reflection, plus also suggestions, recommendations to work with and at this point what I see is to admit/realize here that this process is also not about fighting suppression, but accumulating effort to PREVENT suppressing myself into my tiny mind, thus rather focusing on EXPRESSING, MOVING, DIRECTING and CREATING, as if this is what I want to become, then this is what I am going to do.

Starting with 2 VLOGs about Desteni process in general, where am I at and what I see as important to keep doing.

I see that if I do VLOGs too often, the talks, specific phrases can become a bit repetitive, so I figured – I just need to do more of these and keep them shorter and move with the points I discover.

It’s much more than just talking, sharing information; the expression itself is also specific, how and what I see, change and adjust in real time and let go of fear of making mistakes and keep moving forward within self-trust. ...

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... nequality/ ...

Countries, money, significance and standing up as LIFE

I forgive myself that I have not realized why different countries have differently valued currency systems wherein some country’s money worth more than another country’s currency, simply based on the ‘level’ of that country in the world’s country list, wherein there are definitions of ‘first world’, ‘second world’ and ‘third world’ countries, meaning the legal and economical freedom being more as moving from ‘first’, through ‘second’ towards ‘third’ world, wherein those countries are locked into a ‘definition’ of what kind of level they are on, and based on that determining the economic, financial, infrastructural and other levels of quality of life; without questioning why a specific country is on the specific level and what that implies to all its citizens and their life and never considering to look at countries as equal as myself as life and to see it’s traits, weaknesses, strengths; not wanting to acknowledge that to keep a specific country on a certain ‘economic’ level is merely some’s self-interest, not what’s best for all participants, thus to realize – money and financial position can influence and determine lives of many; and thus to realize my focus has been elsewhere but what matters, where the money, the mind consciousness energy contracts flow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically feel good when acknowledging the fact that the currency I get a salary with does worth more in countries what are considered to be ‘3rd world’ and automatically accepting that ‘feel good’, ‘worth more’, ‘lucky’ and similar feeling reactions, not realizing that in a closed system if there are winners, there are also losers as the resources are limited and no matter what money I consider, based on its value, some other money worth more and some another less for the same, based on their ‘economic position’, which ‘level’ of the world they are considered to be part of and all this resulting in exploitation, abuse, slavery and destruction, which with everyone is okay with as no one is standing up.
I forgive myself that I have not realized my direct and obvious responsibility towards currencies of countries what are considered to be ‘3rd world’, meaning first of all to be aware of the reality of those currency-relations, such as history, contracts, slavery, colonization, exploitation and within that to see that there is no benefit without consequence, there is the only way to find actual justice in this world if considering and respecting all as equal as one within its life-essence and living expression as well.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way I feel positive/good/lucky about the currency I get a salary with, all the people who have less valued currency, there are people who also can feel negative/bad/unlucky about it and thus also to realize, to rely on luck is almost like bad luck guaranteed for someone somewhere as the world has been set up to be this ‘casino system’, thus to see, I am not after luck but principled living wherein considering all as equal as one as life to be lived in all moments equally, unwavering, consistently.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the abstraction, the rigidity of my self-forgiveness statements in regarding money, currency, almost being clinical within wording and not realizing that I am yet to be expressed my real self here, without limitation, definition, prediction or boundary but living the words HERE.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what has been encoded into money due to the violent nature of human history, it’s power, energy, and value accumulated into the currencies of today and within that my responsibility to embrace, decrypt and decompose any and all patterns I find – in relation to money – within myself or the world to be able to stop participating of such patterns of corrupt LIFE and thus also stopping manifesting its consequences of abuse and negligence of life.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that money in its current form is the manifestation of enslavement, mind-control, the blood of the world system, a quantified result of human history within which we’ve literally developed a ‘debt’ against life which we need to pay back, otherwise we remain locked, limited, systematically disrupted and eventually destroyed, unless we all, humanity are ready to realize our mistakes and dead-ends as not being sustainable and/or not supporting all life equally.
I commit myself to stand up as equalizer of Life by exposing and transcending all systems within and without in and as this existence as a whole.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... t-to-life/
How I see all the debt in this world’s economy relating to ALL LIFE in existence.

Reports say countries accumulated 253 trillion $ debt – against what or who? Does that even mean something? Let’s see!

I forgive myself that I have not realized what debt represents within my life, my own debt to the system, the system’s debt to Life and not even considering how to balance that debt out what humanity as a whole has been tolling on this living planet and in fact all existence.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself, my existence, my being, my physical body as tiny and thus insignificant in regards to taking responsibility to the entire existence there it is, thus undermining my potential, abilities and actual living expression simply by the physical perception and size point to be compared, judged and self-defined as too small to be able to have an impact; yet not realizing that it’s not about size, it’s about how I live the answer for the ‘who am I?’ question.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of the energy and potential that money can represent in this world and how it can empower and dis-empower lives and within that to see, what’s most practical is to establish a stable, consistent, sort of unconditional flow of money in order to be able to give influence, input, direction within this world, literally on the physical, material level by working with what money can support and direct with, which includes human lives as well.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the utmost specificity within the direction of what my money and finances would give me through the ability to become more flexible and self-directive IF I take the effort and time to understand and work with money directly as an enabler.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as a disabler of life, something what limits and determines people’s lives, not based on what’s best for them but what’s best for something or someone else, who currently can have the direction on this power/money/flow and to realize that my potential and responsibility is to embrace some of those aspects of money flow and be able to work with it in order to support LIFE within my/and people within my/ life equally.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am able to work with money according to + and – ; income and outcome, to be able to measure my expenses and inputs and outputs monthly to have a realistic insight of what I am able to do and what I can’t or should not, based on my current financial situation; the only reason I resist to always being aware of my financial situation, what is quite an important aspect of me, is that I resist seeing what I actually do and/or not do with money which I should not or should, for instance, if there would be a self-definition-based fear/phobia to resist one aspect of this self-money definition-life, through that one ‘dark area’ of self I can compromise and sabotage my self-expansion because that aspect of myself is 1: obviously not optimal, 2:caused to got stuck due to a self-dishonesty decision, reaction, self-definition has formed, 3: that’s why I resist to even look, not even go and understand everything there, which is the common sense, to become aware of each aspect, trigger, the reaction of me to see the bigger picture.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not need to wait to be tempted in order to ‘pass’ the ‘test’ about money in this world, regardless of where I am at or how much money I can direct with; it is a matter of Principle as Life to stand with and within that to see how I can live my utmost potential about money, this particular amount and value of money I encounter, and within that to see – each temptation is specific, and it is not about if I can resist the temptation but to see who I am accumulating myself to manifest to be and become and within that to literally add each and every penny/cent/euros/dollars to be able to understand what I feed/sustain am responsible to in this world – which I pay for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself and my money when recognizing that my money worth more in a ‘3rd world’ country than it is where I have earned it, which is considered as ‘first world’ country and thus accepting, participating within and maintaining, feeding the system of inequality, fed by currencies, banks and businesses in this world system and not considering the exploitation, the abuse, and slavery what this money enables some people to manifest and get away with.
I forgive myself that I have not realized how exploiting it is to devalue a whole country’s money, income, an economy based on the value other countries give to the currency of this country, even if it means bankruptcy, loss and suffering and how each and every single card or cash transaction of mine also accumulating into the bigger flows of economic tides without me being aware of what specific abuse and exploitation this enables to be created and manifested.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not living the potential of I could regard the word COURAGE as starting to see how exactly I am sabotaging my COURAGE to be HERE within and as for me.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the frenzy within my fear to resist taking risks and how it is imperative to walk through all of those fears and frenzy experiences until I am here regardless of experiences.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand what debt to life means in terms of my responsibility and potential as who I am in the flesh in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to experiences and holding onto feelings, energetic movements within my body and mind based on compassing myself towards what automatically makes me feel good, better, the best and not realizing that this can not be trusted for me as I was not fully aware of the programming of myself and it’s consequences, yet here and now realizing that I have the ability to deprogram through self-forgiveness, re-align with self-commitment and re-define with self-directive statements within principled living within consideration to all life equally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I exist in apathy wherein I do not care about the abuse and destruction of my own nature within myself through participating within thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the programmed mind consciousness system, exploiting my living flesh, meanwhile also participating in a world system wherein I am mesmerized by money, getting, buying, hoarding, owning, obtaining products, experiences, and memories while we all are fully aware of the fact that nothing of this matters, not even in our living, yet especially when we die.
I forgive myself that I have been given up on myself, constantly, consistently, day by day, every day since I remember and not realizing that I can and should stand up, breath by breath, word by word, deed by deed as also understanding, there is nothing to lose as in fact, I have nothing but my presence and my body to direct and thus that’s where I should start trusting myself: here, with and as myself in presence.
I forgive myself that I have been accepted to be hypnotized to act in the starting point of greed due to not taking responsibility an inherent fear and self-interest within.
I forgive myself that I have been allowed myself to be shy because of the things I did and judged as bad and spending time in shame, yet not in a real shame as that would make me stop which I did not as then I would not judge myself but rather change.
I commit myself to release and forgive any energetic resonance linked to the word money, the coins of money, the paper of money, the digital account of money, debit/credit card, voucher, cheque, crypto money, etc; anything that has monetary value to buy and sell, which has been literally contaminated my ability to perceive and grasp, understand and realize what is ACTUALLY real about money, the money system, the econome and how to be able to utilize, use, flow, BE money within the support of ALL LIFE equally.

I commit myself to keep exposing the fake love, care and delusional megalomaniac attitude humans have been accepting and allowing in order to support myself as standing up to and as Life, and for others as showing what’s here, what’s my investigation, realization means.

I commit myself to stop separating money from who I am as embracing it as an expression of LIFE and be able to work with it, as an aspect of it directly through being able to direct money as myself to support the unification of man.

I commit myself to dedicate my life to Walk the Journey to Life within word and deed myself, as an individual; and as well existence as a whole.

I commit myself to do not put the troubles of this world onto my shoulder as realizing that’s killing me and rather to stand up within my own process as all as one as equal and to express and live that, even in the current situation of the world.

I commit myself to support to design and implementation of a world system that mathematically can be proven that is best for all.

I commit myself to keep utilizing practical common sense and practical compassion to show that equal life is simply possible by equal money – which has been emerging for a long while, even in popular TV shows, like Star trek or in economic terms of ‘post-scarcity world’, Universal Basic Income, etc.

Desteni has been preparing for a while to be able to support people who are ready to hear the message of LIFE. There is a LOT of online course material already, myself walking them since a decade and did not yet ‘reach’ the last lessons.

There are thousands of articles, videos, e-books, audio-books, forums, social media groups, group chats, mailing lists, etc. Don’t hesitate to reach out, as we have been supported, it’s natural that we enjoy giving back that support unconditionally.

Yet do not fuck with desteni people as we have been working with mindfucks since quite a while, internally and externally – we are glad to support anyone as equals, yet we do not waste time on those who do not want to unlearn, re-align, or even admitting self-dishonesty after obviously being exposed with multiple cross-referenced angles.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... to-change/

This is just to see what I see in this moment within me to put in front of me so I can be aware of yet I do not need to rely on thinking at all, so I can remain present, directive for this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not living the potential that I could regarding the word COURAGE as starting to see how exactly I am sabotaging my COURAGE to be HERE within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the frenzy within my fear to resist taking risks and how it is imperative to walk through all of those fears and frenzy experiences until I am here regardless of experiences.
I forgive myself that I have not studied, investigated and understood through my usual ‘fear and frenzy’ loop of experiences I automatically accept and allow, what entails a series of judgment, conviction, suppression and energetic friction in the mind wanting to release that energy, eventually manifesting into a pattern of obsession/possession until the energy wears off and I am stranded with the realization that I am controlled by patterns I am unaware of and also that my current state of being and in the general perception of ‘stability’ is not sustainable as I have the tendency to suppress reactions/convictions/desires/worries to the point of overflowing and wanting to be exerted automatically without me understanding enough to be able to prevent myself going into the energetic mind possession.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-suppression results of all energies generated in a strong sexual desire which eventually urges to do sex – alone or with a partner and within that utilizing sex not as self-expression, self-support and living the word enjoyment but as part of the self-denial and self-dishonesty wherein participating within images and sounds in order to self-stimulate to the point of controlling to start to exert the suppressed energy with the perception as infinite energy, mesmerized into an infinite-seeming trance/self-hypnosis mind-state, wherein I would let go worries and fears to be able to be one and equal with myself for a moment before falling back into the self-definitions and suppression in my mind; also forgiving myself for allowing myself to accept this system within me to balance and control my life to avoid facing points I unconsciously fear, such as self-intimacy, self-communication, and vulnerability; instead of questioning how and why I have ended up like this today to be auto-stimulated by definitions of what I prefer within my self-created personality, so then to become able to pinpoint out how exactly to stop this madness.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the need to rush, to be urgent when perceiving ‘grabbing the direction of myself’ is coming from the doubt and fear of what I currently do is not the best what I could do with my life but ‘at this moment’ stimulated myself into an energetic high to overcome the suppression and fear and thus to be able to have the perception of ‘I’ve got the moment, NOW I can move, so I should until I can, until it lasts’ – yet it is obvious that I am still existing in the fear of running out of time constantly and not seeing how and why I am manifesting this system as myself by accepting to be preoccupied with stimulating thoughts, negative emotions, and positive feelings.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see all the programming within my mind through thoughts, feelings, emotions I’ve made in RELATION to the word BREATH, the action of BREATHING. I bring all of those relationships and definitions here with me as me and I see them as I see myself here as equal as one and I take full responsibility for all these self-deceptions and committing myself to stand up as life and within that, I STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ‘believe’ in me, meaning literally believing everything else but me to ‘direct’ my life as self-trust; instead of realizing that all that matters, exists and being real with and as self which is in front of me and around me physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that it is worthy to risk to accumulate fear to stimulate myself to keep self-limitations at bay in order to preserve comfort and predictability instead of keep exploring the unknown and unexplored aspects of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not realized and aligned the physical body of mine as the foundation to support my stability and stance, direction and specificity by making sure all of my body I am aware of and I support breath in and out within presence.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what issues I carry on from a day to the next one unfinished, not dealt with, not realized, not re-aligned and not corrected thus accumulating from a ‘debt’ on the next day by default, thus compromising every day a little bit more of my stand up to and as LIFE within self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted from the realization when I am time-looping with a point repeatedly by the energetic reactions within my thoughts, feelings, emotions in my mind and body, which seem faster than physical reality, associating it with the positive reaction as defining it better because of the experience of velocity, energy and boost; not realizing that the fact is, I can not move faster than reality because whatever seems to move faster is simply not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be more than who I am, to appear more than what I am, to seem more strong than I am, more appealing than I am, in the general pattern: anything with what I associate with good/positive/desirable I want to be seen to have more than I actually have or am so then I can deceive myself and others to raise the associated value, whatever it actually would be to be more due to an inherent self-accepted doubt and insecurity, inferiority and fear; yet simply not looking at WHY I want more to be than who and what I am HERE, which is another pattern, construct within me;
which I inherently distract myself from to avoid facing, realizing, understanding and seeing what I participate within, making me unable to connect with myself within oneness and equality, but only with my mind through relationships, associations, and instincts, thus becoming ever-dependent on to keep comparing, judging, relating, polarizing and creating inner friction to not see that it is all who I end up being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lean into my mind, often showing my imbalance physically as well, hunching forward, slouching my shoulders, bobbing my head ahead, pulling my chin back and up into my skull, pulling my chest back as well, thus within this I commit myself to keep training myself to immediately remember to re-align physically and within myself to be present, comfortable, stable and trustworthy for myself in all ways, which practically meaning to straighten my spine, pulling back my shoulders, positioning my head into the center of my body, so it requires almost zero force to keep it there, pushing forward and down my chin and pushing my chest forward to position my whole body into my gravity center, while also using my abs actively to strengthen my posture in front of and behind me.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity and effectiveness of consistently supporting myself with posture re-aligning exercises, such as standing at a wall and straightening my body vertically, while raising my arm while keeping it with the wall.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the physical geometry of myself is revealed on the actual physical balance of my physical body, such as when I am hunchback, slouching forward, I am literally off-balance from my gravity center point, thus my head, shoulders and arms becoming a weight which my body needs to hold, while under-developing my back, shoulder and neck muscles and within all these postures basically fighting gravity instead of re-aligning my body posture to be one and equal with gravity within my physical balance, which is obviously suggested by practical common sense considerations.
I forgive myself that I have not developed a stable, reliable skill within my writing to be able to breathe in and out without interruption, energy mind reaction accumulation and thus amalgamating my action with my breath as one as equal as a consistent presence in the physical without falling into the fear, triggering myself to lean towards the mind’s patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions in order to try to solve a problem in my mind what made me break out from the natural expression of mine of direct living into the mind participation of inner dialogues, automatic categorizations, and judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of mapping out, being able to remember any and all of my inner being’s/mind’s/physical body’s imbalances, resulting in becoming a fighter against natural law, such as gravity and within that fight wasting effort, energy and time to ‘hold myself’ still as a whole during my time spent in imbalance, the fight against myself, the struggle to keep equalizing on ways not fully being aware of, such as suppression, exertion, anger, obsession, possession, and other self-dishonest mind-patterns and not working on exposing and being aware of each and every single self-dishonesty I’ve ever participated within; to realize, it’s not about fighting, but to amalgamate, unify, embrace and standing up as directive principle within each breath, movement, word, and action.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the self-sabotage patterns I’ve attached into my mind in order to keep stimulating myself towards becoming energetic, upbeat, enthusiastic, spirited, etc; instead of realizing that I can’t trust anything within/out of myself while being stimulated by any mind-movement as when my mind moves, I am standing still and only using my mind when I do not trust myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my standing up as life with accepted addiction towards energy manipulations within suppression, exertion, entertainment, self-stimulation and the positive reaction to a comparison of myself to people who have nothing, so then I can feel better, and within that feel-better to get distracted, mesmerized, seduced to justify why not standing up as all as one as equal as life, but to define the positive experiences I deserve.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to doubt myself at various points, which did not want to specify before but now realizing that until I am not specific within my words and actions, I can’t grasp the actual truth here within and in front of me thus concluding the solution of becoming more specific as realizing that the effectiveness lies within the specificity, otherwise everyone would already be world -leaders, co-creators, which is obviously not the case by observing world/people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being able to let go negative reactions about judgments towards me, when someone, who I have given the trust to keep telling, shouting at me in my past that I am (me, Tala/Jose) bad, evil, have foul mouth smell(when I do not brush my teeth), my skin is bad to the sun, my hair is grey, my body is not enough muscular, getting older, my eyes are not sharp to distances, my voice is not as good as other’s, my nose is too big, my back is hunched, I have a pimple, a scar, an injury, broken nose, leg, hand or any imperfection – not realizing that none of these matter within self-honesty, but who I am living with the potentials I have in alignment of and as LIFE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a habit to sabotaging myself by hyper-zooming onto/into anything within me perceived as negative as wanting to eliminate that so then I could return to the all the way positive, and thus not trusting MYSELF HERE, but trusting the patterns within my mind, the comparison, the expectation, etc and resulting in an inherent ‘balancing’ pattern within my mind to constantly seeking stimulation by ‘positive’, keep being disrupted by ‘negative’ and at the end of the day traveling so much in the mind yet in reality not even moving an inch as actual, real self-movement can only occur within absolute-self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that my constant hunt for something to judge as negative or unacceptable within myself in the self-enchantment and self-hypnosis of ‘fixing them’ so then I could turn everything into positive and good within myself and not realizing that this is the result of a fear starting point, and to realize that living is not about positive and negative and raging war against any negative / or war for positive but it is to decompose my mind and MYSELF behind/within/as my mind as the manifested consequence of self-separation, self-disempowerment and self-dishonesty to be able to stop participating of such patterns before automatically ‘falling into’ those patterns what at some time in my past accepted to become me through the perception that this is what I should do.

There are destonian chats each week

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... f-courage/ ... LANJXYirSh

Talking about Courage today. As I see, this is really lacking in this world to be lived by humans.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... al-desire/
This post will start with an apparently superficial point and by continuing to MOVE myself through the patterns within self-direction, I am going to share how I can utilize the word of CONTEXT into a living expression of COURAGE.

I find it very supportive to work and live COURAGE as I always felt lacking it until I have realized, I will always miss, desire and wait and hope for it until I simply decide to live it as seeing it practical in front of me within self-honesty.

So today I am writing about something, what at this moment as of who I am here, today, considering it to be courageous to write down and share with ‘symbolically’ when going to go public with things shared on this blog: all of existence.

This was last week, it was pretty interesting and rewarding to me personally in regards to the word Context.

(Video is about how exactly I have found my lost gloves in the forest.) I was quite surprised that I have walked to the spot where I found my gloves. I have searched it everywhere before, multiple times, but I had to be in the actual physical context to be able to give up my relationship with my gloves and all of a sudden, they were HERE. I know, it seems like I inflate this point, yet it is just what it is. Everything is here, yet until I am not here, I have no idea. Not about what has happened, what is going on, but also how to ‘fix’ and change. Breathe.

So based on this, let’s expand about context here.

Sometimes there is this strange perception shift, that when you are with a specific person, it’s almost like you can notice, realize or even feel things you’d usually would not if you would not be with that person. At least, it can be like that sometimes with me. Like you listen to a song or watching a movie alone and your mind is blown, yet when you listen/watch it with your family and they will be like ‘what? this is not that funny/cool’ and then sometimes you are also able to see that ‘well, indeed, it’s not that cool’. This was typical when I was writing my own music-like tracks and I felt good about how cool it is, yet when I showed it to people, they were like, hm, ok, interesting and I was also able to have more improvement ideas. And I do not refer to peer pressure here. No. With them, I was able to see that ‘this is indeed, truly not that perfect’. So within the context, I was able to have another perspective.

Or another typical scenario is when last year I’ve visited my family in Hungary for a couple of days and on one afternoon I drove to the town where I went to high school – at least 20 years ago. I have stopped at the bus station where I was waiting for the bus, every workday for four years. I saw the place completely differently, of course, it has changed since, yet so many memories, sort of feelings, mind-states came back instantaneously.

I have remembered then the day when I have lost my sight for an hour suddenly(I probably was malnutritioned and overstressed, my blood pressure went down, never ever happened again) and all I could do was to just sit down and contemplate about my sudden handicap, meanwhile no one asked me how am I doing. Everyone stepped onto the bus and left. (it was crowded back then, I was waiting for the 16:30 bus to get to a village, from where I could get another bus to take me to my home village). That was a very specific memory to me, because in those moments I had no choice but to embrace what is here and work with that within stability, regardless of completely losing eyesight for an hour.

So many memories came back, the friends, the lady I was often taking bus rides with, the gipsy guys walking around bullying helpless-looking guys, the hundreds of hours of time wasting and in general miserable experiences as back then I had no direction within my mind so I was often giving permission to it to take me to daydreaming rides, worry, anxiety or another preoccupation patterns.

Since that visit, that I have re-aligned myself with who and how I was before, it’s much easier to recall how and who I was back then, so it’s easier to work with points I have been participating back then, some of those still till this day, thus I am grateful for that.

This is a solid reason why to walk Desteni Process – because most of us have had specific moments, situations wherein we were standing up as life, courage, presence, and self-direction, but we can often forget, suppress or even deny of those moments, so to be able to recall, bring those HERE today, this process can accumulate into further self-growth.

Process of real(=cross-referenced with facts on the physical level within accumulation) change can be challenging. I have been dealing with this specific context-based self-directive movements from time to time, yet I have never worded these down before.

The next relating topic might even seem as extreme, but hell, why not to share.

Sometimes I have had these long-time suppressed desires and I had difficulty to let them go, thus sometimes what I did was that I have prepared, stabilized and committed myself to utilize actual physical context to move myself into the point – yet not become/falling/getting trapped fully into the point what I saw as self-dishonesty within.

This was quite some years ago but it assisted me to break through a particular desire to stop falling into/get dragged by, I mean literally, physically in action within social interaction.

I used to judge myself or the possibility of people would judge me for this, thus rarely shared it with other people, yet nowadays realizing through the desteni group support that there is absolutely no point to indulge into self-judgment, especially when I am clear about that I need to overcome a specific self-dishonesty to stop the cycle of automatic participation/mind-pattern re-creation self-limitation.

I used to smoke weed, right. In a way, I was able to utilize it to suppress emotional reactions, including desire, specifically: sexual desire. However, which can often happens with people often taking drugs, once you do not do it, the suppression can literally take the person over and live out what one has been suppressing.

How it works is the following: each and every single thought and emotional reaction will be stored into and as the human physical body, almost like layering up and forming these geometric structures of compressed patterns of a personality, character self-definition system, which, once reaches a level, it literally becoming able to fully animate the body, almost seem like being possessed by an entity, yet here the possession is the result of the accumulation of self-acceptance and repeated same judgment, reaction to a point of enabling someone to ‘snap into’ an apparently different character, acting it out. That’s how animal-abusers, aggressive people, rapists, etc are in fact, well troubled people, who become dangerous and need to be excluded from society. Unfortunately the ‘mainstream’ system is not yet there to effectively being able to support them, so they are mostly being drugged, locked out (same suppression as within the mind, just externally).

Well, anyway, my possession moments were never this extreme luckily, but yet, if you walk a journey of self-realization, this is obviously a priority point to deal with and take responsibility for.

So sometimes I had these suppressed, denied and accumulated sexual desires breaking through and making me urgently find a sexual partner, through online dating sites. Sometimes. I was in this ‘supercharged mind’ state, wherein I was kind of possessed with what seemed I have been lacking, to automatically sliding into a state of mind that only caring about that desire to ‘fulfill’.

Of course later it became clear that it was not even the sex itself I was craving for, the person, the whole playout, but only for a less self-judging way to be able to release the enormous amount of mind-energy due to not only, but also sexual suppression, transforming all of those into a ‘pure’ sexual desire for the release itself.

This particular occasion was after I have found desteni(about principles of equality and oneness as life, the whole self-forgiveness, self-correction awesome tools, group, courses, which I have been applying since a while).

When I did not have a relationship with a girlfriend, about a couple of times in a year I have found myself to become ‘auto-obsessed’ to find a partner who I could just have sex with. Sometimes resulted into having sex with a lady friend, like NSA fun, sometimes I went out to hook up with strangers. Well these were not that often actually, maybe maximum 10 times in my whole life, yet still, this was always something I did not like about myself thus always made a big thing out of it – within myself, with myself, alone.

So in this time the time-loop was just around to manifest this pattern again and what I did was the following:

Regardless of applying my self-forgiveness written, or said aloud, I was still inclined to desire women to have sex with(which seems fine, yet within self-honesty I did not accept it as it was purely mind-based, woman-objectification, and besides that, it was just to find a way wherein I could have a long experience to reach orgasm, release, ‘reset’ without judging myself for doing it alone, using sexy images, films, etc – ergo with an actual woman.

So I had this desire whispering, humming, throbbing in my ear, to go to a night club. There was something appealing about that back then, which, of course, was mostly movies-based vivid imagination and self-stimulation.

It was also the case that I never really got, like super-horny towards strangers, only a couple of times in my life I have been auto-triggered to get aroused to some specific type and appearing females, almost like ‘biologically inclined’ to fulfill my gene-reproduction right here, right now. Even when clubbing, I never really did just ‘hook up’ with strangers. Dancing, having a lot of fun, joking, enjoying, being goofy, weird, crazy, sure, but to ‘grab them by the pu$$y’ was never part of my character. Even though many times at specific encounters that was expected by some ladies, I just never did it. I have been at rock, world, electronic, trance music parties, probably many hundreds of times, yet never happened (once I’ve kissed a lady at a party, but it was rather because one of my lady friends kept insisting that this lady likes me and should get together with her – which of course did not happen).

And instead of embracing this as this is who I am, I also judged this within myself as ‘weakness’, ‘a resistance’, so for a while, I kept pushing this point, maybe there is something wrong with me, so let’s just ‘force myself’ doing it – well, eventually I’ve realized, I just like sex with ladies who I am actually intimate with already – and intimate I mean not physically, but on beingness connection: meaning we know each other, our bodies and minds have spent time together and there is this mutual, natural curiosity to explore more.

So I believe that I have even deliberately used my suppression to be able to overcome that and just get boosted up to go out and breakthrough this perceived resistance.

It’s pretty wicked of how far a human can become twisted within by following these thoughts, feelings, emotions, instead of establishing self-communication about what I actually desire, want…That is why I share this ‘sensitive’ topic, because I want everyone to realize how the mind works and being able to take our direction and responsibility back. Sigh. So.

When you see a sex film, you do not consider the actual physicality and everything, what comes with that. Or I guess, many do, that’s why they keep preferring the porn/masturbation ‘pure’ mind-self-fuckery.

I went to this city night club, had huge resistances in my body, my legs, my chest, but I have pushed myself, step by step. Paid the entrance fee, there were other men, also sort of brooding in the dark, sitting, drinking, waiting as hourly there was this lapdance show. A lady was slowly undressing to only a small panties and she was then walking around the room, where were these separate armchairs with silent men with weird faces while the lady was sitting on their laps, giving them ‘the show’. I remember she had a candle and she was dripping wax to her big titties and she was kind of fondling to my body. It was instructed before not to touch, grab, interact much, etc with the lady, yet she was allowed to decide if she wanted to take some of the men’s hand and put them onto her body for touches while she was sort of doing these erotic moves.

Well, first of all, I was anxious as this was quite an extreme situation for me(I did not take alcohol or drugs), there was something courageous-kind of feeling within me as well, because I stepped out from my mind, into reality – yet I literally have created my desire to manifest by long-term self-denial and now here I am, I have paid for this, so now facing the real deal, let’s try to enjoy it.

It was rather laughable than erotic to me, the whole act, maybe she was not so professional or not my ‘type’, no idea, but the whole thing was like a scene from a badly directed and acted movie to me. It rather made me smile than get aroused. Which, I did not mind, of course as although I was ‘in the possession’ – I specifically prevailed within my starting point of ‘openly and ‘self-honestly now I want to understand what’s happening within and why’.

The lady walked around, the whole thing was like 15-20 minutes long and she visited various guys around – not all of them, yet whoever she went to, they seemed very pleased, like kids when they get an exciting toy to play with or some candy.

That’s also a specific point to mention – sometimes I felt attraction to women, which was self-accepted, but only until the point when I was able to see other men also being ‘trapped’ into this kind of experience. I was judging them as ‘gullible’ and ‘superficial’ and even often made me smile at them, like ‘well well well, you little fools’. A sort of instant and unconscious projection of self-judgment. My programmed personality was also often like this: if I feel attraction to a woman, but there is another man obviously feeling, acting upon to the same woman, I just can’t participate within this anymore. Maybe to avoid going into competition with other men, maybe to push this ‘choice’ responsibility to the woman, but it’s fascinating, because if there were no other men around doing this, then sometimes I was the one falling into this pattern. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing uncool to like someone and walk to them and wanting to get to know them, just when it’s entirely mind-image-driven, then it’s not really about the person, the being of that woman, but rather again: my suppressed, specific type of desire to be exerted, projected out within accepted self-dishonesty. Now, back to the story.

The loud music has allowed me to apply self-forgiveness aloud in real time to deal with my anxiety and judging and desiring the woman body as sex object, when she was not sitting on my laps.

(bear with me, this might be the most ‘sexual’ thing I have shared here around, I want it to be well detailed to support the self-forgiveness and self-correction).

What has happened then? Once I was able to step out from his energetic mind-cage, having its wires the desires and imagined scenarios consistently preoccupying my conscious mind, something different has happened, which I recognized from my past.

I have felt like unintentionally, yet naturally starting to look at the person, the BEING behind the act, the job, the character she was doing. I was looking for something actual real about her, not really the ‘sexy, seductive, arousing monkey dance’.

I remember I was shifting from LOOKING her body parts and face to SEEING the person behind the pattern, the expression in front of me and at first it was like being able to see more details, like changing from a phone’s digital zoom to a high-end cinema camera, the details, the unique skin, the sweat, the skin pores, even on those the surface and then suddenly I was just HERE, loud music, a bizarre party where only one person is dancing and I am sitting like a bag of potato. She was enjoying the dance, the attention, the desires aimed at her and I have looked into me and I had no judgment, no shame, just nothing. Let me add here, it was not a “spiritual-like” revelation, like when all the veils of the matrix falls away and you see the desert of the real or what you can see on a bunch of psychedelics throbbing through your veins, no, it was just normal, no excitement, no “special” thing – as usually, those are also tricks from the mind consciousness system to overwhelm, hypnotize, still balance and control to remain in the delusion that I still need it in order to function, transcend and expand. No. This was just like breathing: natural, simple. I did not expect to be able to step out from my own dominating character either, it was not like a “stalking act with myself”, all just unfolded.

If I would not dare to drag my body to that club, I would not have realized the following points:

What seems visually sexy in my mind, purely as picture, as it might not be in reality, the actual person in the flesh, because then it’s not just 1920×1080 pixels changing 30 times per second, it’s an actual person with real life action, reaction, body odor, literally infinite details in presence.

When someone acts sexy, if I do not know the person, there is no actual history between us, like real connection, it seems totally fake, not even mentioning that she is doing it for the money – sure she might enjoys it, yet the idea to me that to have sex with someone, who only does it for the money does not really excite me at all, because that would reflect back to me even more about who I accept myself to be, what I clearly do not want to become, not because of morality or self-judgment, but because all I ever wanted is to be as real as possible, and this conflicts that, because if I accept a fake ‘sexy approach’ by participating in a pattern IN MY MIND – I am literally the embodiment of mind fuck.

The place was not dirty, though not as clean as I’d like, so while in the mind everything is clean, ‘pure’, in reality, they often are not. Not that I am germophobic, yet the idea of spending time in a place whats core activity is that many strangers, mostly creepy, brooding in the dark men getting aroused by lap dancing women is also something I would not really want.

Within honesty and self-honesty, I seek real connection, partnership, relationship, so this just seems so superficial and fake so then I do not really get, neither do I want to get aroused.

What has happened then was that I just started to smile at first, then laugh. The whole scenario was so funny when you watch a Chaplin or a Keaton slapstick comedy. I just broke out in a lough and the dancing lady got that. She spent a lot of time with me then and I saw the confusion and at the same time the curiosity on her face. It was almost like when all the actors in the theater are in character performing and one just stops doing it while the whole audience is watching and everyone hesitates for a moment to question ‘What is going on?’. That is how we influence and expand, not by preaching, persuading, manipulating, buying people, but living what we mean within oneness and equality.

‘Trust me’ – lol don’t, it’s just a phrase, to pronounce what I mean – test it out for yourself to face your own inner crap in real-time application – people will recognize your stability and confidence as that’s what they might lack and desire. And once I am not reacting to that, then I am able to reflect their points back to themselves to work with and that’s how we live the principle of two or more in my name, which is not me, Tala here, but the principle of equality and oneness as life, to love thy neighbor as thyself.

I never again had the desire or even the idea to go to this type of establishment again with the starting point of sexual desire as this act assisted me to realize how much my mind I can program and utilize to twist and compress, deceive and suppress of who I really am.

Not that my mind would be evil(although it’s backward of ‘live’, like a mirror), it’s just doing what I always have been accepting – directing my life according to my past preferences. It’s like when you drive a fancy car, it’s automatic transmission is adapting and learning to serve you according to your past inputs in various contexts it can recognize and categorize. Yet if you start to change your expression – let’s say in this example: your driving behavior on various road conditions, how you are accelerating, breaking, cornering etc – and after while, it will adapt to you again. It depends on the car brand and model, of course(with manual, you do that), mine is now a ten years old one yet it can do that – eventually it somehow figured out that I do not like to quickly shift up but to rev until the redline when starting once the engine and oil is warm and voila – now it just does it, like a good boy. Yet, when I want it to be smooth/economic/quiet again, let’s say, having passengers who prefer comfort, then I focus to be a bit more gentle with the controls and it will adapt again. Something similar is in place with our on mind system as well, yet we need to become aware of how it works first, as it’s sort of semi-automatic.

The conclusion of this story: some desires are straight up wackadoodle and one can usually say no easily to them, however at certain circumstances it might not be that obvious to see the difference when the person is building up judgments, reactions, suppression etc to get into a mind state context wherein it can become a self-definition and one starts acting it out.

So I could have done a million pages of self-forgiveness on paper at home, become the master theoretically, yet the real time application and re-alignment within COURAGE is what matters.

Most of the time I am able to take a deep breath and sit down and write about the self-dishonesty I can ‘feel’ or sometimes directly detect -yet another times, some point I still can accept to drag me around, like a ragdoll until the suppressed, now exerting energy runs out and I am able to re-gain presence, direction, the ability to question and cross-reference my perception with facts again.

And sometimes I find myself within my own presence, direction and stability – YET I see that this thing sometimes annoys me, takes my discipline away when I wish it would remain – so I move myself, I bring the point here, or I physically walk to it, instead of waiting it to happen again, as sometimes it’s too late, I am already in stupid mind reaction(not that I am judging myself, it’s just fact that it’s stupid to let my past and consequences keep dragging me around) and the best cure is prevention, thus to not participate in the mind. But for that I need to explore and know who I am in order to be able to let it go, in practical action.

It is also a practical approach: if there is doubt, worry, fear, an itchy desire, resistance about anything, I repeat, ANYTHING, that usually indicates inner friction due to suppression, projection, lack of self-communication thus Self-forgiveness within Self-honesty is highly recommended.

Desteni I Process LITE
is a unique online course what is free and a seasoned buddy is assigned to your participation and interaction, assisting with cross-referencing your written responses day by day while you get to understand the basic components of the human mind, how to start supporting oneself with writing in self-honesty and how to apply self-forgiveness to really take responsibility for practical change.

Many do not even consider a ‘need to change, to be changed’ – yet usually when people realize the extent of self-deception, self-limitation, self-delusion, it’s the natural thing to do to correct oneself.

So that’s it for today about CONTEXT – not really about what we do, but how we relate and as who within that. Obviously this does not mean to go out and kill a bunch of people(before someone would say, ‘thats what my secret desire is’), because that is what I referred above as wackadoodle and it just simply needs to be saying and living the word STOP. And again – if that STOP self-direction does not work, that’s an other common sense reason to start walking the DIP LITE course to take responsibility before things get crazy.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ed-change/

I have started to look at my morning showers as a daily reflection and self-discipline ‘mini-project’. Did two VLOGs about it, these are 10 and 8 minutes – I know that they are quite long and by the Youtube stats of my previous VLOGS, I see that people do not watch them that long; so next time I will focus on being more structured, specific and concise.

This time did it while I was driving as never did a VLOG like this before – I was curious if I can still manage to talk about points effectively.

Part 1:

Part 2:

So I made these VLOGs a couple of days ago; since then I have been applying more presence, slowing down, direction during taking shower and today was the 4th and the first time I was able to do it in a way that I was not distracted by anything in my mind, only one time I had a thought what almost took me away for a second but I was able to bring myself back. It certainly becomes a more direct ‘physical feel and seeing’, but once you stabilize within that, you start expanding and becoming aware more and more.

So this point is just to consider how much we can improve and take ownership for our own lives if we structure and work with the patterns we constitute of, with the proper self-support. The apparently ‘insignificant’ points might seem irrelevant, yet because of the nature and simplicity of those, we can start utilizing them.

I wrote this yesterday:

Scene: morning shower

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep thinking while taking a shower and not realizing that I have programmed myself to automatically do the body cleaning based on a pattern while I go into my mind and think about things, quickly and constantly and within that not realizing how and why it is a distraction and self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically activate a thinking mode while showering to go through a sort of mini-life-review, almost like trying to communicate with myself but not as self here within silence as the totality of myself but through thoughts, feelings, emotions, in my mind and not realizing it’s mechanism, origin, and consequence.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do this thinking while showering as an approach of dealing with forgetfulness, so justifying it to remind myself what I should remember, I should do or how I judge something within the positive/negative polarity system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that taking a shower is a type of activity which is mundane, repetitive, irrelevant, meaning that this is something wherein I always can justify to become completely preoccupied with my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, giving free roam and to take me wherever they lead me through associations and judgments to those associations, and then other associations, followed by other judgments, basically literally operating like a computer system processing information based on what’s already processed and what type of components of my mind can ‘move’ with.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when my mind moves, it is not a real movement, it is not self-movement, it is a not movement at all, rather it is an information processing mechanism triggered by the preprogrammed state of my body, mind- and beingness, which has been accumulated and maintained every day solemnly by myself.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the basic components of my mind with what it can move, ‘take me to’ virtual places, experiences, reactions, memories, pictures, associations, emotions, feelings, words, etc are always here, obviously accessible, readable, yet I have defined them to be hidden, too complicated, too fast, too profound, too deep, too automatic and thus not taking the time and the effort to fully understand them, thus myself of how I am operating every single day.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that forgetfulness is a justification and never questioning why I am experiencing it, how I am creating it, how I specifically manifesting it every single day and within that experience, not only accepting it, but also defining it that this is part of who I am and as with other self-definitions I justify it, if being challenged, protecting it with the reason of this is how I survive and become an effective human being in society and also that this is what everyone seems to do and thus it is fine; instead of standing up to this phenomenon within myself and finding practical ways to prevent it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that continuous thinking is not supporting me, not only during taking shower, but also during activities what are re-occurring, repetitive, I have trained myself and my body to be able to do them, such as dishwashing, walking, eating, driving, working, basically in any situation me being physically here – yet thus, not fully being here.
I commit myself to keep working on my shower routines to continue to slow down my beingness, the rush, the need to go into the mind to bring myself fully here within presence, direction and self-honesty.
I commit myself to utilize and enjoy to reflect and work with all daily routines, such as getting dressed, brushing teeth, making breakfast, dishwashing, cleaning, what I have been ignoring by judging them ‘insignificant’, ‘chore’, ‘irrelevant’, yet allowing my mind to run amok and take direction and not realizing the starting point of fear behind this type of self-negligence.
When and as I see thought appearing within myself while taking shower, I see, realize and understand it is a suppression, initiated by a core fear I take responsibility for here and now, I breathe, slow down, if needed, literally, physically and focus to become my body, expression, presence, direction.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that all thoughts are self-suppression due to accepting to exist within fear.
I commit myself to stand up to all fear within, working with all patterns I constitute of and participate within.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... rt-update/

In my last post, I've talked about working on a specific daily routine, which enables one to real-time test oneself with very similar scenarios repeatedly, which is ideal for self-directed investigation and expansion.

I will explain on that regard down below.

I still have some issues with my right wrist, which does not seem to heal naturally for quite some time.

This has shifted my daily routine quite a bit. Now instead of being able to sit any time or even all my day at computer clicking and typing, what I am facing is that I only have a certain 'quota' before the physical pain becomes overwhelming and I need to rest.

During the COVID lockdown, doctors and physiotherapists are not really available for now, thus I am testing various activities that support me to re-align with my natural recovery.

In the past, before walking Desteni I Process, self-introspective writing, and applying self-forgiveness, I used to wait on uncomfortable or not-supporting conditions and experiences much more, almost like 'hoping for salvation'-type of situation.

When I was at the Desteni Farm in 2010, Bernard Poolman told me(among many other supportive things) that if you are in pain, the best is to


Oftentimes I am still wired in a way that I am resisting this simple practical common sense approach.

Now, facing manifested consequences, in and as my physical body, it really seems that my issue at hand directly relates to this point.

When I go out for a walk, enough for a full-body warmup, when I use my right hand for physical activities, the symptom, the pain, and the inability to use it sort of fades to a certain extent.

I still can't do heavy exercises, as I used to, such as ab-roller or weights, gardening requiring big strength or exercises like pushups and stuff, yet sometimes I do even forget during physical activities that I have this problem.

If I do not MOVE not only my right arm but my whole beingness altogether, only doing static movements, such as sitting at desk, typing, clicking, using phone, then it feels like this solidification, crystalization occurs at my right wrist.

Now I do walks(here is allowed) in nature, also restarted cycling.

It does not even purely relate to this type of physical movement, almost like it is of SELF-MOVEMENT.

Yet it is a process, thus now considering my daily typing/clicking quota, what I am expanding with, yet it really makes me prioritize.

Yes, the new DOOM ETERNAL PC game is out, the revisioned DOOM game is one of the most enjoyed entertainments for me, yet it is quite clear, now I should not indulge in that. Basically, all computer games are out of the question for now. Not that I have been really into gaming as much as I used to, it is something I do less and less, drastically anyway, so this was a no-brainer prioritization. Just as an example on purely entertainment points to consider when prioritizing. 

Obviously, for my self-support, I need to work, as a software engineer, which involves all-day computer usage. In overall, the left-hand mouse-usage is also something that is well challenging. I am much(much-much) slower like that; furthermore, if I get anxious, frustrated, or angry, this issue with my hand becomes more severe, because I stiffen up, ESPECIALLY my right hand, which just worsens and intensifies the problem and pain.

Thus, the solution is the same as what I have been applying with the daily shower routine every day since I've posted my last writing/vlogs about it.

TO SLOW DOWN, not necessarily physically, but consciously.

Thus, the whole application 'routine project' I've started, now naturally expands to many more parts of my daily living.

About the shower routines:

What I've noticed is that the amount of speeding up in my thoughts, reactions while just washing my body almost automatically, like a dish-washing machine, or an automatic car-wash drive-though is reduced in quantity and quality quite extensively.

There are better and worse days, just like with any skills, I often utilize the 4 count breathing(breath in during 1, 2, 3, 4, HOLD, 1, 2, 3, 4, out-breath, 1, 2, 3, 4, HOLD, 1, 2, 3, 4).

I also voice self-forgiveness to re-align myself back HERE to and as self-presence and direction. What is important is the 'no stones unturned' approach, what means to not accept any thought or feeling/emotion to just 'slip away' - as they all will accumulate into a more 'autopilot thinking/reaction' burst outs eventually, thus literally losing presence, awareness, and direction.

With the self-forgiveness, I sometimes say generic, just about the point of
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stray away from myself, presence, direction, awareness, here into the realm of my mind, as a manifested systematic consequence reflection entrapment of suppression, not acting, judging, denying, disregarding, instead of standing up in every moment equally and express myself without fear.


I go into the details in the reflection of the specific reaction/thoughts I become aware of I am accepting, such as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money, the amount of income relating to the expenses I have and the desire-driven impulses to buy specific things, justified by the current world events, yet not with a practical common-sense approach, but in the starting point of worry, which in essence is allowing to participate, accumulate worry, anxiety, and fear and with that to be judged as negative, wanting to balance that manifesting consequence outcome experience with something that I can 'judge myself back' with positive, thus degrading myself to an organic robot, automatically behaving on a preprogrammed fuzzy logic-based self-interested operating system.

What also seems obvious is that once I start to effectively deal with the anxiety, worry, fear-based reactions to not accept but being able to prevent myself going into, or being able to immediately correct myself from that 'fall' in real-time, then the type of my mind reactions seem to lean toward another type, which is rather on the 'positive' side, such as what I am excited about for this day for instance, or having ideas I judge as awesome, creative, supporting.

What I end up with when I step out from the shower(once the body washing is done while slipping into 'positive thinking') is quite similar in terms of the physical body experience, I am like in a sugar-rush, preoccupied, my mind is quick, I am not aware of the gravity, the breeze around me, my body, my skin, my breath, my presence, but I am in a good mood.
I feel positive, excited, stimulated, elevated, boosted, because I just had like six awesome ideas of what to do next, even though probably I will forget four of them in three minutes, it does not matter, because this experience has moved me toward the 'feeling good' side.

Is it not fascinating? How easily one can justify leaving the physical, into the realm of consciousness, where one can fly with the speed of light so to speak, while what is going on with(in) my body is remaining in the darkness. Well, not literally, because my eyesight is still working, I look the light, it's just I do not SEE what is really here.
My mind can automatically categorize every single object in my bathroom, thus no need me to 'descend' to this level to be aware of, I mean here talking about taking a shower, is it not what everyone wants, to automate all mundane jobs, so we can finally transcend this physical crap?

Thus the self-honesty, the compass with one can sail through the greatest storms of our manifested creation/reflection because within self-honesty I see that when I choose the mind for speed and light, I disregard the physical here. Just like all spirituality and religion.

Deeply within this, there is almost like an inherent disgust involved with our own organic material, at least myself can catch this, even though I grew up on a farm, where I have had learned how to take apart a freshly killed pig's head, skin a rabbit or gut a fish, naturally.

Because in the consciousness realm, everything is clean, white, pure, yet the physical, nature is in a way always messy. Dirt, dust, mud and gravel, dead insects, birds, deers, decomposing, stinky bodies, piss, shit, and blood.

Just like Heaven and Hell from the stories we've been told, repeatedly. Heaven is beautiful, pure, clean, the White Light, flawless gardens, where all people and animals are existing in harmony, even the lions are not predators, preying, hunting and viciously tearing apart other animals to consume their life essence in order to survive.

On the other side, HELL is where all got loose, demons are lurking everywhere to find any chance to possess, manipulate, to take over, they are not nice, not pure and definitely not peaceful.

Many refer nature to heaven, though realists do often refer it to hell because it's pure 'Darwinism', the survival of the fittest.

It's all in our head - all potential is here with us and it's quite revealing who tends to participate within what pattern in their own minds to eventually get self-possessed by, in behavior and manifesting consequence for others aligned with HELL, while in their mind creating this pure, clean, perfect HEAVEN experience.

Until we are unable to understand our own mind consciousness system, everyone will remain a slave to their own delusions, yet their actions consequence in the physical is shared with everyone, especially when we are talking about a global capitalist, money, law system wherein the survival of the fittest and predatory approach is being rewarded the most.

So it is quite revealing how inherent and multi-dimensional is our mind consciousness system to keep us preoccupied, distracted, justified to abuse, and get possessed with self-interest.

I have been talking with many-many people throughout my entire life about this point: many love the thinking! It feels creative, stimulating, feels like one is evolving, expanding, adapting, learning, becoming wiser, etc.

Yet in my own self-honesty, it is well proven, countless times that thinking is the most limited, delusional, imprisoning activity one can participate in.

I am not talking about the self-directed walkthrough of my mind, what is within me, what is here, what I can assess by the facts, logic, common sense being presented in front of me, that is fine, even if it requires a pen and paper, a laptop to type into, but I refer to the 'backchat', the 'inner dialogue', the 'conversation in my head', the automatic thought-chains, judgments, reactions, convictions, associations.

My quota for typing is coming to an end for today, thus wrapping it up with these:

do challenge yourself with taking on a routine what you do daily or often and review your thoughts, reactions, body experiences during that
become aware of the thoughts, feelings, emotions, their relationships with relatable real-life situations you react to automatically, this will enable you to uncover deeper relationships, acceptances
breathe, breathe in, slow down, even physically, feel your skin, the gravity, the air, the smells, the whole spectrum of all senses
observe what you are looking at, when going into thinking, stimulative mind-trips, I often look but not see - my eyes are not focusing to actual details, it's almost like just wandering around - discover eye movement patterns in relation to thinking, what type of parts of your mind you are accessing while moving your eyes to the left, or the right
direct your seeing, focus to details, physical surface, check out how your body parts actually look like(it always changes as we age) - look for judgments, ask the WHY --
do not focus too much on controlling your body movements, eye-movements, just this point will not help to quiet the mind, but can become as a control-distraction-suppression point as it will quickly adapt and it has the ability to 'slice' time, it's high frequency has the ability to do crazy shit, like recursive pre-programming, and one believes that now 'reprogramming' with doing the right thing, yet what really happens is just the program code of my thinking patterns become more complex and automatic, -
self-forgiveness applied within specificity at points within self-honesty is the way to decompose, disrupt and deprogram these un-supportive patterns, the re-defining of words and actions have to be WITHOUT any polarity( + / - ) within the starting point of what is best for all participants, including me, otherwise all will end up being just the same self-interest as we start to work with ourself with
do enjoy the physical feeling and being the body, it might not be perfect, pure, but this is what you've got, nothing more, honor and respect that

Dare to choose the free Desteni I Process course to learn the mentioned self-liberation tools and principles

Thank you very much

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... pulations/

Anyone wants to see the code of the real Matrix within and around us, just start walking Self-forgiveness within Self-honesty to the utmost specificity and all shall be revealed.

It is by far the bravest thing one can do as the shit can be revealed is scary and mindblowing, yet anyone wants to heal, first needs exact diagnosis, facing all the facts as they are. Enjoy!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of the friendship value point I’ve been projecting, expecting, manipulating onto people in order to bend my reality and the people within it to my self-interest with the disguise of kindness, helpfulness, availability, instead of focusing on principled living, standing for all life within self-honesty without any manipulation.
I commit myself to stop manipulating with friendliness and helpfulness to not compromise who I believe myself to be yet compromising who I really am within the principle of what is best for all. I forgive myself that I have not realized that the projected out propagation of friendliness from me is due to the starting point of doubt, fear of rejection, fear of success and fear of acceptance and thus being able to create this energy framework within what ensures that I am always right, because I am friendly all the time with everyone, thus if someone ‘does not fall to it’, they do not worth of my time because they do not reciprocate the same ‘friendliness’ and thus automatically avoiding anyone who could trigger me into conflict, challenge or change.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the ‘smiling’ personality I have embodied is not real and within self-honesty, I have always known as when I have been applying it towards specific individuals and after a while, they do not respond with friendliness, the same sort of kindness and smiling, then I’d drop the act and would not act toward them as almost like ‘giving up on them’ to exchange mutual mind-energy-positivity stimulation automatically, thus exposing that it is not unconditional, real, direct, but of self-interest, originating from doubt and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the inherent desire of wanting to be liked, accepted, respected, loved by others is programming I have never questioned, challenged, stopped within thus still being part of my self-defined personality which I keep justifying and protecting in the name of ‘give as you would like to receive’ as if I act this smiling kindness, then I want that given back and within that not seeing the self-dishonesty within that contract as it is, in fact, an expectation, a control, a dominance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people who do not tend to bend to this friendliness attempt from me as they are not ‘on the same level’ like me, as they have not realized that we are all one and equal and within that to abuse, my relationship with my own mind as simply justifying to giving up on anyone who can not be easily triggered into this sort of so defined ‘kindness’ behavior and within that all not admitting that this is just for being able to trigger myself to be liked in the starting point of doubt and fear of unknown when faced with people, especially strangers.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the spiritual pattern within the fake kindness and the whole ‘namaste’, the god in me respecting the god in your mind construct, which is frankly meaning the following – ‘my mind is my god and I want you to know that I like you more if your relationship is also like that, such as your mind is superior than you and let’s trigger each other to be triggered by our similar god mind to feel good mutually for a moment’;
as within that, I forgive myself that I have not realized that this does not do anything of actual, tangible, down to earth physical responsibility for support, care, and real love, but it is to feel good about an idea which we do not (need to) live in and as the physical here unconditionally within and as each breath equally.
I commit myself to keep exposing my participation within my social interaction through my mind to stop being the puppet of energy, becoming a ragdoll through my acceptances in the past being dragged up and down based on the self-judgments of positive and negative in relation to categories, convictions desires, and worries and not admitting that all of these reactions I accept due to fear of facing what is real, how my real relationship with myself and others, facing all consequences of my actions directly without any manipulation or sugarcoating and until that I do not allow myself to live up to, I am living in a bubble, a delusion, completely lost in oblivion, because I deal with this perception, a mirage, yet what is real, I do not perceive, thus whatever I initiate, create or interact with is not the direct, factual reality, but trusting my mind to always pre-process, so to speak ‘warm-up’ all of my experiences, especially the social ones among others.
Well, this does not seem to be a simple sentence, yet this pattern is like that within my mind. That has been automatized to be activated within microseconds, that’s why people do not realize anything substantial if they do not apply self-honesty, breathing within the physical presence and lots of self-investigative writing, digging, cross-referencing, challenging, stopping, adjusting, decomposing, re-defining.
I commit myself to practically learn and remain consistent within standing, speaking, interacting and directing just as with myself alone and as with others, unwavering, naked, vulnerable, transparent, dark, empty, black, silent within in all circumstances and direct, push, challenge and move within honoring, enjoying and birthing myself in each moment, breath by breath.
When and as I smile automatically to someone, I realize, I am throwing out the fishing net of positivity and manipulation unconsciously, thus I take a moment to re-align myself, feel the physical gravity, senses, presence, breath and re-align myself to be in the absolute center of all my beingness and just be without moving, to find my balance, clarity, and stability within and to see if to be seen what is my relationship with this context, with this individual and to see what would support me and the other the best and dare to push that into expression.
When and as I see that I get disappointed when someone is not ‘kind-ing’ back to me after I tried to trigger their kindness with my act of kindness, I realize that I have been out of balance and presence to fall into the need of an energetic boost of being able to judge that ‘this person is friendly with me, so all is good, I can proceed to act as I were’ and within this, I see the doubt, the fear, the need of recognition and respect from outside, thus I stop, I breathe, I let all go and re-assess what I am about to do if I trust myself doing it or not and if not then I stop. Not necessarily physically, but consciously. And if needs, indeed, physically, just being here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to act, act upon urges, ideas, needs all the time to keep moving, expressing, doing things just for the sake and positive self-judgment reaction and not realizing that this is tainted by fear and by simply that relationship I need to stop and re-align, self-heal and self-forgive before should be able to continue.
I commit myself to stop unconsciously throwing out manipulation of kindness, the wolf in sheepskin pattern in order to also unconsciously manipulate those who have accepted and been living this pattern in order to keep manipulating each other to constantly stimulate each other to the positive feelings to avoid facing the facts here in this world and thus our responsibility of creating it every day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed and possessed by the word and my relationship, association, definition and energetic reaction to the word TRUTH, becoming conflicted about it within and without among others to protect and fight for convictions and not realizing that there is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.
I commit myself to keep learning to remain present, here in every moment of each breath to give up all truth I hold onto and to directly see, feel and experience what is here in and as the physical as all life as equal as one.
Start with one word at a time at

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... n-gravity/

Continuing with working with a daily routine to weed out the imperfections within my presence and self-directive application.

Talking about how I see the 'routine' self-support when not being consistent with.

Mentioning how physical posture and feeling various physical senses, sensations can assist to remain here.

Also bringing up how I have been self-defining myself based on perceived advantages and disadvantages, yet, all along it has been just a self-accepted judgment and it's time to embrace and stop this participation in the mind.
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