http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2012 ... false.html
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Day 139, How Can I Be False...??
In a group-chat today i realize what miss Sunette answered me when i asked her that i see falseness in people at work, thus that they are being false and she said, it is because i am seeing what is yet to be dealt within myself that is being shown through another as myself outside myself.
So here i am going to look at this one point.
Let me write down what the word ''false'' means to me in relation to this particular point which is about the communication with other humans, without the definition as it exists in a dictionary.
To me this word means; ' that i or someone else is not being the whom they really are, as they are lets say, when they are all alone '
Now lets have look at what the dictionary says about this word.
[fawls] Show IPA adjective, fals·er, fals·est, adverb
not true or correct; erroneous: a false statement.
uttering or declaring what is untrue: a false witness.
not faithful or loyal; treacherous: a false friend.
tending to deceive or mislead; deceptive: a false impression.
not genuine; counterfeit.
based on mistaken, erroneous, or inconsistent impressions, ideas, or facts: false pride.
used as a substitute or supplement, especially temporarily: false supports for a bridge.
Biology . having a superficial resemblance to something that properly bears the name: the false acacia.
not properly, accurately, or honestly made, done, or adjusted: a false balance.
inaccurate in pitch, as a musical note.
dishonestly; faithlessly; treacherously: Did he speak false against me?
play someone false, to betray someone; be treacherous or faithless.
before 1000; Middle English, Old English fals < Latin falsus feigned, false, orig. past participle of fallere to deceive; reinforced by or reborrowed from Anglo-French, Old French fals, feminine false < Latin
1. mistaken, incorrect, wrong, untrue. 2. untruthful, lying, mendacious. 3. insincere, hypocritical, disingenuous, disloyal, unfaithful, inconstant, perfidious, traitorous. 4. misleading, fallacious. 5. artificial, spurious, bogus, forged. False, sham, counterfeit agree in referring to something that is not genuine. False is used mainly of imitations of concrete objects; it sometimes implies an intent to deceive: false teeth; false hair. Sham is rarely used of concrete objects and usually has the suggestion of intent to deceive: sham title; sham tears. Counterfeit always has the implication of cheating; it is used particularly of spurious imitation of coins, paper money, etc.
So the question to myself is how it is that i am FALSE...??
Let me look at myself and don't take myself as personality personal as this is what i have to do to become the real me, that which have to be deleted in order for LIFE to emerge HERE in the physical as this human physical body that i as of right now not yet is as IT one and equal HERE.
Well i am false when i am seeing falseness in others, because if it was not in me i would not be able to see it in others, and second of all it is just a judgement because in the moment i am lost thinking in my mind that they are false i did not have any conversation with them to know for real if what i am accusing them of in my mind is real or not. Thirdly, and even when i would ask, i should ask not with an expectation to find out if i am right or not, but pure to get to know the person in fact and in this way get to know what he/she will say and if i react, i work on these reactions.
So i have to take my self-responsibility for what i accept and allow to occur/happen in me as thoughts/feelings/emotions/internal conversations/back-chats/judgements/reactions/imaginations.
Points to work with:
* laughing when in reality i don't want to laugh.
* being nice to others, when in reality i just want to be here.
* not liking people in higher positions.
* don't like being bossed around.
* inferiority complex because i cannot say and do what i would like to say and do.
* superiority complex, because i know this system is not working, so i feel as if i am superior to those whom don't know this, or don't care at all to even know, let alone to want to do something about it.
Self-realizations concerning each point:
1) I realize that sometimes i laugh with people just because of politeness so they won't feel bad about themselves, if i stay serious and don't say anything or don't have any reaction at all that will make them feel as if i don't give a damn about what they just shared with me.
2) I realize that i am always or most of the times trying to be nice to others in order for me to prevent all kinds of conflict either for myself or conflict that can arise for others when they are in a conflict situation of not agreeing with each other, and are lashing out at each other wanting to be right.
3) I realize that i don't like people whom are in higher positions in this system, because i judge them being mean people, doing whatever it is necessary to make sure the company survive, even when it means that they have to make you work harder and perform more tasks on your own, and they are also in a position where they decide if you can stay or go,having absolute power over your life, which is something i don't like at all within this system of abuse.
4) I realize that i don't like people bossing me around, because it always seem to interfere with my own ability to do a task as i would feel it works better for me, i don't like to be forced to do it another way that clearly is not working for me.
5) I realize that i have an inferiority complex involving surviving in the system due to me just being a wage-slave and because of this unable to say anything about it, because i know i will be punished within the system as it exist right now, if i were to dare open my mouth about things and tasks that are NOT what is BEST for all workers involved.
6) I realize i have a superiority complex, due to the fact that i am aware that the system is going down little by little and that it will get worst, when for everybody else they are living in a belief that it will get better again as it always does and did in the past, and things will just go back to how they were before the crisis started.
Thoughts related to these points:
1) I see a image/picture in my mind of a woman crying because she felt i did not understood her correctly and i did not give her attention to her deepest pains.
2) I see myself getting into fights, physically or argumentative, so i lay low.
3) I have an image/picture of a man well suit up sitting behind a desk and ordering people around and being very abusive towards people.
4) I see myself not getting the specific task done and sweat running down from my forehead, because i am trying to do it how someone else want, when i know it doesn't work for me, i can't get it done in his/her way.
5) I see myself with the head down, and my mouth shut, but my eyes full of tears and anger.
6) I see myself laughing in myself at others when they are saying: '' i know the system is going to get back how it ones was.''
Emotions related to these points:
1) sadness and sorry for others.
3) uncomfortableness/uneasiness and frustration.
4) anger, frustration.
5) fear mixed with anger and frustration.
6) impatient with people.
Memories related to the specific points:
1) I remember talking to someone in the past and not showing any reaction in my face or nothing, and this person became angry, because from her understanding and point of view i was not paying attention to what she was saying, when in reality i was, and she did not gave me the moment to proof to her either that i was paying attention to what she was saying, because i knew exactly what she was saying.
2) I remember having problems in the past especially when i was more like in the early 10 to 12 years old that if i was just quiet other guys will pick on me, even though they will soon find out that they messed with the wrong one, but either way i didn't like it, because within me i don't like trouble at all or arguments, so i changed my behavior and start acting nice ever since all the time to avoid getting into conflict/friction and arguments with people whom i know are trouble makers, because i found out it is more widely accepted then just being quiet and observing everything. The point that helped me a lot was, that i was a very physical young man, there is almost not one physical sport that i will not get it immediately and be good at it, and thus this made those whom are picking on people, being bullies not messing with me, because they could see i could be good with a lot of physical stuff, so i must be good at physical fights to, which was also true. I had the ability to see someones weakness when i see them play whatever, i can see immediately if they can turn for example on the right faster or slower, and if they can move fast or not, and when they are moving or doing something if they are in good balance, and much more by just observing them doing whatever physical sport and this i used it when we are in competition in my advantage to outrun or get the upper hand.
3) I remember that i always had problems so to speak with people in higher positions, because i have experienced them always wanting to put more pressure on me, especially when they can see i am doing the work faster then others, then they are going to push more, take advantage of me, to suit their position. So i have experienced most people in higher positions to be abusive towards myself and others so that is why i judge all of them being abusive.
4) I remember people in higher position coming and boss me around telling me that the way i am doing it is not good i must do it another way according to them or how it might work for them, but when i try it for myself the way they want it, i can feel the physically it doesn't work for me like that. Let me give an example. I used to play baseball when i was little, not in teams just for fun, i went to play in a team ones but i didn't like the game, because to me there is not much movement in the game, you have to wait your turn to move, so i don't like that. Anyway i hold the bat with my with my left hand grip where i should hold it with my right hand grip, because i am right handed, this is what they teach you, but it doesn't work for me, for me it feels like i am forcing my right shoulder to push, but when i put my left hand grip i can pull on the bat so to speak better and my right hand it helping with the swing, and that goes naturally. But they will insist me doing that the way it should because i can break my arm like that they say. Well i never broke my arm and i even hit better and more home runs/hits then the ones holding it as it should.
5) I remember working for an agency and what i was saying about my work and work of everybody was not getting through, because i saw that on my salary slip that there was something that wasn't making sense, and when i asked about it, and even showed them that they are playing with the hours and the percentages mathematically, they even became angry and told me, that is not the way it works, and other people get the same hours and with the same amount paid per hour more money then others and sometimes less money then other working exactly the same amount of hours, and that couldn't be possible. I even went to an agency that they have in this country where they come up for workers, but with no avail. On that day i saw that laws/rules/regulations mean nothing when the ones that are suppose to apply them don't apply them at all, because of political bribery.
6) Memory of me feeling sad and also having mixed feelings of anger/frustration and self-importance in me, because of me knowing that the system will continue crumbling down little by little till all is suffering all over the place, and just because it is not happening in one event, people are having believes of hope that it will get ''normal'' again as the way it was, without realizing/seeing/understanding that we are consuming much more rapidly the resources that are irreplaceable in a short period of time, so this depression is NOT like the great depression of the 1930's. We have poisoned the air and water and soil in ways that we must STOP now, that is how serious it is, to turn everything that is real and detrimental for all LIFE on earth in more and more money that is NOT real, just a belief system. We are really fucked..!!!
Back-chats related to the points:
1) ooh, let me smile and have a laugh so they think/belief i am being polite and hearing them.
2) i am going to be nice to all of them here so they can learn that making problems is not the way to go.
3) the fucker is going to make me do more physical hard work now for sure, damn you see, i knew it..!!
4) i don't think what he is showing me here that i can do it like that, because i am not left handed.
5) fuck it, i am going to let this one pass me by for now, but i will return one day to STOP this bullshit of abuse.
6) o.k. you belief in this stupid system that it is even working and that it is going to get better..?? Well wait and see, because that is all you are already doing anyways waiting to see what will happen, and when it will happen you will just wish you would have done something.
o.k. peoples i will work on the self-forgiveness statements and self-commitment statements tomorrow.
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