Ambrož's journey to life

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Ambroz »

When I look back at this point of self trust, I remember those initial days when I started to write. I experienced great resistance towards starting my process, even though I was greatly intrigued (still am), I had this judgement within me of not being good enough and worthy to even participate in such a group with people that behave so right, it was like I was myself as unworthy. I didn't trust myself, and the energy behind it was the same. It felt like not wanting to even be existent. So I then decided to go on and through and see what is all about.

Right now i can't say that I regret, I mean, through process, I came so far I can easily stop the reactions on certain occasions, and if they are still there, then I try and find why they are there to make myself stable again. It is interesting to know that reactions as themselves are, kind of hard to be non existent because that would...., hm maybe I'm wrong, possibly they are able to be completely eradicated. I mean what the thing is, is that i still don't quite know what the difference between suppression and stopping is. If i suppress do I feel suppressed, while if I stop, I then should not feel anything, but at the same time each time I stop I think of the day, that I'll decide not to, because every time I stop, I see it equal to suppression, but I still know that if I don't stop then the ego will just go on and on, like it is ok to be that in absolute, when in fact life, i mean physical practical existence has taught me the opposite, which is good to have clear and focused head with awareness on the outside and using awareness within for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as who i am in a moment and what i do.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that trusting is only an issue in the mind and in practical reality is basically non existent unless I create it so, because practical existence of physical substance doesn't need my trust, in fact it has its own rules that always stand and are always the same, thus "trustworthy". That is because we don't know them all, we only know that basic principle of 1+1=2 and if this than that.

When and as I see myself not having trust in myself, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I am still physically capable to move and thus move to focus on practical things and how I interact with them instead of interacting with myself on a mind level where I can simply stop, or start out of nothing.

I commit myself to cross reference my trust with how environment I am in is responding to my participation within it.
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sylvia
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by sylvia »

Cool Ambroz!

You could look into the words 'stop' and 'suppress' to determine whether their definitions that are currently within your mind are correct and redefine them when you see you are not living these words as the general dictionary definition. Change these words as your expression and see if you could make them into what is best for all and no longer as a limitation of a concept you try to grasp.
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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Ambroz »

Making the invisible - the illusion within a mind, as created concept, ideas, not tangible content of reality that has a potential to becoming tangible, visible - practical reality that we force it into consequence of our own desire with ability to do so. Making love visible takes a lot of constant work.

If there was one word I didn't like speaking, it was love. As if the word itself was a lie, or didn't deserve to exist. I mean for my case, if I go the opposite way, all I'd had to imagine if I really wanted to be spiteful was to wish that another would live my life, because then I'd really know that they would have nochoice but to go through miserable conditions.

In fact I was so obsessed about this point of seeing it through that another would have to experience same bad things that I did, I had no other choice but to not do something about about this particular mindset. Suppression was the only option to not think about it, like wishing another my situations and condition, my knowledge, my experience. I mean it is all included pain, misery, obsession, laughter, sadness, laziness, hard work you name if it exists you'll have to experience it, at least that is my point of view. I mean i decided long ago to try and really go through all of these situations existence has to offer, in the name of experiencing unavoidable and avoidable consequence. I mean for me it was a decision to take on paths that would be to a "normal and stable" mind inappropriate, simply because it meant loosing allot. Even though I had limits to never try to harm another in a practical way, meaning damaging their physical being deliberately, I failed at that because the intent that I created to try and make another physically suffer, was so great at this particular time that I actually took time and plan my devious plan of trying to make another physically suffer.

This was in my youth, but I luckily failed at it because i didn't now the physical laws yet, even though I admit that my mind was not benevolent about it because I believed that the person deserved to be punished, like I really had a negative reaction towards that individual, because he stole from me, and abused my situation where he was suppose to help me with bringing me notes of lessons that I missed because I was sick, but what he did in between, when he was waiting for me to copy all the notes, was steal Lego's from me. This point is so pathetic to think what kind of states of mind I went through because I believed that something that belonged to me was taken away from me. I learned allot from the experience and even though my peers told me that I'll be left with nothing if I allow that to happen, I then decided to not hold on thing because when i did, crazy shit went on my mind to try and get them. Like the obsession about it was not genuine and I saw more harm done than getting the thing that I'd initially want to get.

This point of Things, really went in hand in hand with relationship, simply because here I wouldn't want only a person because of a body due to looking good, but would also have to consider their character, like what they are on the inside. I really screwed with my mind on this point. I saw myself really afraid of this point because it was closely related to a word love, and I didn't like that word. I mean I didn't saw it anywhere, but some obsession and desire that if I don't get that I'll feel pointless and empty, and if I do, well of life will stream inside of me forever, no when i got to the point of it in the past it just dissipated and there was no love or feeling of it anywhere.

So it is interesting I mean, to be obsessed over some thing so much, and then when getting it, it becomes uninteresting. Like another pointless achievement, that leaves you with nothing but a creation of another goal that you'd hope that it will give you the satisfaction of bliss and being fulfilled.

I was spinning in this cycle all my life. And i think there is nothing else to do but this repeating of the right things, because the wrong ones usually hurt well enough on mental and material level. So that friend of mine was really loving me, I mean to come and bring me stuff from school, even if I try to think that he did it because of wanting to use the situation for his benefit of "robbing" me. I mean when I saw what kind of situation he lived in where they had little, I understood why he did. I literally saw myself as being to blame for it because I had and he didn't. Like it was the most obvious thing to consider, no matter how much other people told me that, if I'll play the generous guy I'll be left with nothing, when I look at this point if I had something, I automatically prevent another from having that same exact thing. And of course I'd give some things, while holding on to other things never letting them go, or allow to be taken away from me.

That is how I love for instance. I love to have my computer and I'm not giving it away, even thou I know if I loose it, I'd not feel anything toward the experience, well maybe a bit of miserable experience. but I wouldn't make a fuss about it too much I believe.

And if I consider other beings, well I have to have them first to be able to loose them, so there is nothing lost, but my illusion of having them in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love as this state of mind where I constantly think over and over again about the same thing only consider that one thing that I want to have, possess, and obsess my mind as myself about it, because if I don't do that I'll not have it because I'll not even try to get it if there is no idea, and love, and obsession about getting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem love an actual obsession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to see love as obsession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that love and obsession are practically the same things, and that they are only different words for the same explanation of the situation where love would be used in a pleasant way where we would see as some benefit to us because we would gain from the condition, and use obsession to describe this same concept but only within another, because we would see ourselves as loosing something out of it, because another would love to have it to their eyes, but we would see it another being obsessed about it because we obsess about losing that very thing that another would love to have, because we love to have it too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel love as a reaction towards the idea that I'd be happy if I'd get it "fulfilled" and then see myself as not wanting to feel love because I'd only take myself as being obsessed about the point and obviously, because of that I'd not get it, because obsession is not good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see love as a negative thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see love as a positive thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use word love for two opposite situations where I'd try to describe some gain and then having love to gain it as an excuse to go that way, and describe some loss to then obsess about getting it because of having love for it, but not being able to have it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is an abusive thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a good thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live love practically but within my mind, thinking about what it is and how would I describe it to me in my mind, because I don't even know what it looks like mentally other than another mind construct about it, lol like I have to create the right mind construct about it, of what I think of it in order to be aligned to other beings that are out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live love practically, but only have it as this word within my mind for as long as I see myself a potential or make myself believe that potential exists, and if that has no more ground to stand on I'd either become a obsession about it or, I'd let go and try to find another goal that would bring me to that same consequence, while the only thing that would change is the person towards which I'd make myself experience this condition of feeling energy of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe love is only a feeling when it can describe practical reality where being care for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live word love practically and with integrity, because what I'd do is that I'd look for a woman and if I'd fall in love with her and she would not fulfill it I'd only go look for another and keep myself in this constant entertainment with trying to get love real in terms of a relationship creation with another, and because I'd do this constantly, I'd loose touch with myself and not really know how to be with myself, even though paradoxically I am alone all my life and really had no experience of love and what it practically looks like within the context of having a relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself through this situation yet where I'd stop looking for love and not just jump from one hope of getting someone and than if that hope is not getting fulfilled I go and create hope for another and thus hopping from person to person and basically checking out how I fall for girls just to keep the illusion of love alive, so that I'd feel good, and never really stop it when it comes to a situation where I see I'm not interested by another and therefore I go create an interest in a different person and try to get along with them, just being desperate and obsessed about finding another to be and live with, because I wanted to experience what the fuss is all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider this possibility of an experience to stop doing this and see who I am without it.

I commit myself that whenever and idea about having a relationship comes up in order to fill my bottomless barrel of energy addiction, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I'm doing it for the feeling instead of considering the practical consequence because of my looking for love.

I commit myself to stop conditioning myself with consequence of having to have it in a particular way so that I'd have a condition to feel love about the situation, in my head, and realty.

I commit myself to realize with each breath that I have that a feeling of love is something that I create and condition as a reaction over consequence that I'd create for myself. Like I create the consequence and the reaction towards it at the same time, and reacting is something only I can control, while consequence is something that is constantly being collectively influenced meaning, I am the only one that can take care of my inner reality, while, the outer one, the reality without, is being collectively manipulated into consequence of our desire that we'd like to be in.
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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Ambroz »

Another point that I'm facing allot is being alone. Not that I don't like company it is just a decision to like want to stick to myself. I have a lot of backchat about the point how other people are constantly in company of others and never alone, when one of the fact is that one is always alone no matter how many people one is surrounded by. What I found out is that most of us are aware of this point of being all alone in the universe, not that you can't trust another, but really knowing that one self is alone, even if you have like a partner or someone to stick to. What I also found out was that I personally tend to group up others as if they are all one and I am like separated from them. Like they enjoy themselves, but I have it a miserable time. Like my imagination forgets that it is not special in this point and thus instead of being like stable usually deviates in any of possibility that the train of thought can take you to.

Self definitions are usually compromising because they only last for so long, and they only apply to certain situations. What I tend to did to myself is just undefined me, so that I'd have nothing to hold on to, but the bad thing about it was that I was mainly passive and without a goal, so to speak. Being pointless was always broken by some nudge of reality that took even that iota of free will I had left to define myself as depressed.

What is interesting in this point was that my friend that I also share my thinking with, told me that I changed that I was more depressed in the past, like this process that I do really influenced me. I don't see it or I don't want to see it. Another point that I also have trouble sharing is admitting of others being right, like after a long time of believing myself to be, but then finding that I am wrong. Giving others right. So I then automatically assumed that I since I wasn't depressed I looked like impressed, but because I didn't find myself being like that I went into my memory database to find some experience from the past that would give a relevant enough reason to be so. So in the moment immediately I realized that I am doing it again whatever I was not suppose to do. But the energy search is far faster than the ability to stop it and just question why the hell is it so addictive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself into energetic state of positivity because of some outer experience and then after energy runs out still resist giving it up and persist in search for reasons within my head to stay in that energetically possessed condition to get a little bit more out of situation when that little bit than turns into constant craving for positive experience.

When and as I see myself to go into reaction of generating a positive feeling towards experience I stop, I breathe.

I realize that if I don't stop I only can go on like this.

I commit myself to enjoy a moment of experience because I still don't know how not to, but then not take it into an addiction to have more of it as if it is a constant that should be craved for, when in fact the instability is constant in compromising myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in desperation because of feeling like being alone and thus I need someone to be with me so that I'd supposedly not then because of it feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment of feeling negative and alone that I am always alone and that there is no other way to go about, especially in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep forgetting that I am alone in conceiving reality no matter how others tell and suggest to me how it should be conceived or really looks like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think for myself in terms of seeing it the way I want to, meaning the way I correlate the influences from outside towards me and in this become abusive because of thinking it a different way than it is presented in fact, meaning creating my own stories instead of just seeing the reality for what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what information exists within my mind as if someone else put it there as a form of thought out of nothing because of not believing that I, myself could be creative enough to come up with concepts that would work in secret in other minds, and instead of believing that I am special because of it simply realize that all the minds work in exact same frame of ability, and the only difference is the individual being that creates self as the mind into their special individual expression because it is impossible to have two exact same conglomeration of experienced condition that is primarily used to decide what kind of path and past one walked through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to deal with myself because of wanting others to be responsible for me as I would then have a reason to blame them for the way I am, instead of just realizing that I am also responsible for me the same way I am responsible for another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go in conflict with myself because I see myself at a loss when some goal that is sought is not achieved instead of seeing that I separated myself from that which i am trying to achieve the moment that I made myself believe that I am without that which I strive towards and crave for simply because I allow condition to exist and then "touch" me on a being-ness level when in fact if I'd be "master" of it I'd simply decide to not feel the need for something and not make myself miserable about it in the first place.

When and as I see myself reacting towards myself and my mind as my imagination, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I'm only abusing myself and my body to create a feeling and then call that living because I have to exist through it.

I commit myself to be in control of my own though and not allow imagination compromise fact for the sake of wanting to feel something towards the creation of it, as is it a creation on to itself alone, thus reasoning with myself that I don't need to exist the way that I condition myself into especially when it is intense in compromise to myself and others, meaning not letting my imagination ruin myself especially because of wanting to feel good about it when in fact is abusive, because if I put myself into shoes of the one that I spite, I know I would not like to be in such a situation. I'm doing it only to myself, even though I'm doing it to what I believe is another.

I commit myself to be responsible for my mind and the way let myself influence the world that I live in with others, because if I become abuse I will then know only this way of how to deal with things and thus eventually have a constant door open from which there will always be a reflection of my action and there would be no other way but to be abused, less or more, but abuse would be there, as to the being it does not matter the intensity when knowing that existence alone of it is enough to suffer it.

I commit myself to not perpetuate conflicting conditioning with myself and others no matter how much it is desired to be equalized so that the win, because of which one can then feel good and superior towards the looses about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with myself in my mind with which of the possibility is the best and deserves the last word, when i then in fact allow myself to have constant backchat about the never ending theme because being a never ending being, there is always a consequence that I won't be able to run away from no matter how fast I go, or if I stop completely.
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Rozelle de Lange
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Rozelle de Lange »

Cool Ambroz,

What I have realized about being alone, is that if you look in the word alone there is also the words all one. So I investigated and realized that within aloneness there is also all-oneness, from the perspective that we all share a oneness together. Obviously the relationship within oneself towards the point of being alone in comparison towards others when one sees that others are not alone within their exterior world, is a point I would suggest investigating deeper within/through self-forgiveness, as this will assist oneself with not having reactions to the point of alone/aloneness. You also touched on another point within your writings - specifically the point of wanting to be right, and within this not accepting when others share information which may be true in its nature, all due to this self-righteousness wanting to be experienced by self. Would suggest also investigating this point a bit further, as I have also lived this within my life and have seen that if left undirected one actually squanders any potential moments of self-discovery and support through/from others.

Thanks for sharing.
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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Ambroz »

Thanks Rozelle for feedback.
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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Ambroz »

To me for instance it was common to know that everything and anything that is created, being it is a lie or truth, cloud be exploited in many ways. For instance a "white" lie is justify to do good because it intently avoids conflict, but is it bad because it still leaves potential for it, so it doesn't really settle anything. Another thing is that when i look at the word patience the first other word that would describe the situation even more truthfully and absolute is waiting. Because i somehow created this connotation within me that to be patience is to wait, I then had another profound realization, and that was what to do in the meantime, while I'm waiting for that which requires to have patience in the first place. It is a directly connected to time, and if there is an significant amount of it, lets say an infinity of it, what is then there to do with it if we wait for something to pass that can't pass because if it would it would be in conflict with itself and would have no opportunity to exist.

So even though patience is a virtue that is hard to find especially in this current situation where the current is constantly on the move, I found it abusive within myself when I'd wait to things to happen while I know that there is so much time at disposal. I mean I have this tendency that I want to let go of, to twist everything upside down in my head and complicate it to see it in a 3D perspective, like one would look at the ball from every possible angle, which is again an infinity of them no matter how exact, precise and absolute one is. From this view a lot of time is therefore needed to inspect the thing and that which requires time also requires patience. To make things more complicated while they are simple, because all that I'd actually sought is trust, I'd had to set myself a frame from which I'd not look out of except if things got too complicated, which would practically mean that I'd just choose the obvious one, you know, ask myself what I'd feel like if I did that to myself instead of another. Not that I'd actually did that to myself intently, I still found myself having "bad luck" and lack of integrity or stability or whatever you want to call it, and I'd actually end up in shit I wanted to avoid. I mean it is ironic, but this realization that nothing is fair really made me doubt in myself that I'll do the right move at the right moment and the right time. I'd find myself going into petrification mode without any kind of expressing but to be still, and I if I looked myself in the mirror I'd look like pointless, like if I relax all my muscles on my face and not express any reaction, I'd be looking like noting. I found this state really natural, because no energy is used, it almost looks like being in a negative content state, I mean it doesn't look positive.

So because of this I'd make people react in all sorts of way of why am I sad or angry, as if it was natural to be in this constant excitement mode, to then reason with myself to generate constant reason to be so - exciting. So I looked boring. Like to spend time responsibly was the hardest nut to crack because I know that I can do whatever I "want" to, or comes up within my mind, because I didn't want to just because I searched for happiness create misery due to the consequence of not being aware enough of how everything would be influenced by my actions. So I decided to not take it personally, but more like it was suppose to happen because there is no other way. I mean it didn't matter who is responsible, all I knew was that time and place required me to experienced it in the first place, so all I'd have to do is to look where did I make a choice that then led to such a situation that I didn't like. So being in a humiliating stand still in conflicting situations made me have no excuse to justify my irresponsibility because of not reacting nor responding. I mean to my mind it was just too complicated to say out anything and thus I'd rather be quiet and just be patient and wait for time to pass, but what I also realized that it doesn't help because I didn't have any solutions myself that would make things fair and square. In fact the only solution that I'd see was that the one that claims leadership has complete power do decide over others of what it is going to be like, because others like myself have a hard time to decide what it is going to be like. I mean if there is one thing that is hard to do, it is knowing that each one has ability to feel and choose, and make it equally fair while knowing the profound ability of mind is to interpret how it like it to be, and eventually find a way to abuse.

Building trust takes allot of work. While it is only a momentary choice that is conditioned by all the experience the responsibility is solely on the one who makes it. It is impossible to be precise in every minute detail. It is too complicated and impractical. Such things settle themselves down because of limited awareness of whoever wants to settle them down. So it was in a way always hoping that the "neighbour" won't become "bad" and compromise me. It is just a choice to trust, no matter how untrustworthy situation is, simply because there is never enough fact that would support a decision made for a then unavoidably felt consequence.

I mean it all came down to a decision and being responsible for it. Because of it I had no room to then blame another for a choice that I made even though I knew I lacked fact, yet it seemed like a logical one, especially when knowing that no guts, or logic is used. Accidental I even counted on a possibility that others would interpret me as if some conclusion was made that based on "facts". The only real reason was because I believed it I was true, no matter how much I got told that everything is a lie. I mean it is simple to say "it is a lie" just to avoid being responsible in saying what the truth is. So what is left is a complicated situation with a decision that doesn't base on complication but on the obvious. This is especially conflicting because it stands as what it in that moment of time is, while we can easily point responsibility to any of that point that is being inspected on that round ball that we try to see from all angles of what it looks like.

The responsibility of what to do when I see another righteously claim something it is desired and in that creating an unfair situation, was taking time to be responsible for making it even with a creation of consequence that would make one taking from another regret doing that, and thus teaching to share things equally. But what I also considered was knowing that it may go on and on forever like that until I take some of it that I require back. But that also then triggered another fear, that is, if one taking doesn't come to the point by self /itself /herself / himself, and consequence brings it to it, is there anything to be learned from that situation, or is it that it will the inequality perpetuated to infinity. I mean there has to be a point where one must stop another if another can just go on and on to extreme in whatever it is wanted to go. I mean it is interesting. Personally I thought that this is the actual point why internal instability as energetic discharges happened uncontrollably, or reactions, as one might call it. but another thing is that if that can be tamed, how can then the situation be, if the feeling is triggered by it in the first place. So when looking at patience and being responsible within that point, meaning not abusing it and waiting for the things to "settle themselves" I really wanted to put my time to good use and expand myself, a sort of doing more things that I could handle at the same time, and by that not create things worse that they already are.

I'll do self forgiveness on self responsibility next blog post
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Anna
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Anna »

Cool self-exploration Ambroz.
"I mean I have this tendency that I want to let go of, to twist everything upside down in my head and complicate it to see it in a 3D perspective, like one would look at the ball from every possible angle, which is again an infinity of them no matter how exact, precise and absolute one is. From this view a lot of time is therefore needed to inspect the thing and that which requires time also requires patience. To make things more complicated while they are simple, because all that I'd actually sought is trust, I'd had to set myself a frame from which I'd not look out of except if things got too complicated, which would practically mean that I'd just choose the obvious one, you know, ask myself what I'd feel like if I did that to myself instead of another. Not that I'd actually did that to myself intently, I still found myself having "bad luck" and lack of integrity or stability or whatever you want to call it, and I'd actually end up in shit I wanted to avoid."
This is a cool realization and self-assessment. So what I would suggest to have a look at here is to not now remain in this state of 'self-analyzing' but to go to look at the practical solutions. For example: perhaps you realize that you've over-analyzed yourself/the world/others to the extent where you actually confused yourself and made things far more complicated than what they needed to be. A solution can then be to stop analyzing so much, where you for example when you write see that you go into this '3-D reflection' mode, to stop and bring the point back to practicality - and for example only look at one dimension at a time.
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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Ambroz »

Thanks Anna, glad you like it.
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Post by Ambroz »

Fundamentals of decision making and how to act. Ability to impose one will and that being measured with comparison and then using the proportions of it to claim how much power one being has over another being. If one will is not then respected other more practical actions are then done to gain whatever is there believed in that could be gained. They are not necessarily good, in fact most of them are direct harm and then believing that the harm done will force another into doing what one will desires, demands, wants, needs,....to be done.

I mean this is a fundamental problem in itself. If I look at any kind of conflict it is usually because of this, who will have it right, who's will will prevail and who's will subdued. Interestingly enough, this kind of behaviour is abused as well. Such decision and continuous behaviour makes one spin in circles never getting out and it eventually solidifies to such an extent that it can be used to actually make a construct out of it that is looking like a brick wall if one sees it that way. But it doesn't stop there. The harm done by such behaviour can be constant.

For instance if two persons are in conflict and person A believes that it is its right and is constantly fighting over it, person B will have to suffer person's A free will. Even though person B exist because it has no free choice to not exist, I mean if that was free choice I'd choose to make myself nonexistent, so because I can't do that, as in I'm not able to, person B has to than endure constant harm done by person A. What is also interesting it that person A will justify person's B existence as being the cause for being harmful towards it, meaning if person B doesn't get eradicated (there is no way to do that) B has to be in constant punishment by person A because A believes that if B gets too strong, B will then make person A suffer back and basically pay back the harm done. So if you get slapped and then turn the other cheek, it up to the one giving harm to stop slapping even though it has fear that it will be slapped back, I mean if you do harm and then get three portions of it back to settle the accounts then.....

What i decided was to stop, even when i was harmed and felt it physically or psychically. I just didn't want to react with same way. What I rather did was wait for the behaviour of another change towards me. Like I'd not try to harm or give a consequence that would reason another to harm me back. Well there was one time but that was a joke, and it didn't went so well making it funny. So obviously if harmful abuse happens over and over again while everyone else waits for the one causing it to stop, it will go on and on until one that is causing it decides to stop. So the consequence of doing nothing about it, is this world, i think in fact. The behaviour solidifies to such an extent that the harm done is only transforming levels of intensity. So because it then becomes dense that density is then used to form something constructive like solidity?

Spinning in circle behaviour makes it predictable enough to see how things will turn out and therefore it is easy to predict that it will go on to eternity because it fuels itself out of nothing to construct consequence. Too bad it doesn't stop itself out of nothing, and then never again repeats the abuse.

So the point that I faced allot was when another would for instance say that they are taking care of my shit. Now what I did in that moment was again react with solidity. I mean i asked myself what that shit looks like, and even though I try to behave non abusive way, I still found myself being abused or at least that picture in my mind found itself being abused. I mean of course I am right, I try to be. That doesn't necessarily mean that I am, but what is interesting is that another has that exact picture in its / his /hers mind and then the question is why it is conflicting what it the fundamental point that makes it a conflict even though the thinking processes are exactly the same. Cause I mean there is only one right, and everything else is wrong.

So the question I'd then ask myself is what gives you the proof of you being right other then the power and ability to be so. Let it be a trick, joke or a test to see another how it sees oneself in that statement. Now what is interesting is that there is a better feedback than just one person, meaning a whole bunch of people have it better, making a single one choice as all would stand as than just one. What is even more interesting is that if one stands unbound to the majority, or comply with the "right" rules to the majority, one can easily be eradicated by it, or if we look at the person A as majority and person B as one individual, or the other way around, the only way out of this is to make it right which is to stop conflict and live together in peace.

Of course that is far from happening because that is too easy and it would mean that the fun with abusing another one's lack to have an abundance for self. I mean that is just it. We take a piece of paper and then write on it what belongs to us. To get it that far we firstly have to play a thief to take it from others, or we fight for it, or kill.....Then after the we conquered the whole world we can say we own it. but it is not really so. I mean the behaviour used to get that far is within us and so we go into conflict with ourselves, so we then again separate and create fractions of self to only then fight again over what part of self is right and what wrong.

It is a repeating cycle that can be stopped. To not take it personally is the only cure. And to forgive oneself is actually the key. I for instance, it is kind of hard to explain, was too proud to let go of this idea what gives you the right to be right, even thou you gave it to yourself, same as I, but what morphed out of this was being to proud to admit to myself that I am wrong. As if even when I know that I'm feeling as being right something smelled bad about it, like I would give myself a chance to change myself according to the will of another, not to even question what that looks like, even though it can be easily stated as what is best for all. I mean do I even know what that looks like?

I learned this from many people because of the way they interacted towards me. I asked myself if I am being abused and / or harmed by another, what can I do to stop that, or how can I influence the situation, because I obviously don't like to be on the negative side of experience. There were many options, either suggest to another to stop it because it pains me, or run away, or fight it in way where I'd cause so much harm there would be no possible way I could be harmed again for a lifetime or even better - an eternity, I mean in my imagination I was fucking brutal in this point to really make it extreme especially concerning payback for the harm done to me and then having an obvious reason to make it happen, especially if i can blame someone else to make it triple some because I read it in some book. I mean i only imagined it all. But the most hideous of them all was to do nothing. Basically to be nothing, to just wait and look out for that day when it will all miraculously stop. I mean there was a belief within me that they will see what they got coming because of the way they behave, and just hope that they'll be taught a lesson. But that doesn't happen because there is nothing that is learned from letting things go and let the harm continue

So nothing was another "bad" move because it didn't moved anything but just a stop and wait while hoping for things to get better. So i decided out of the two to be the one that gives another cheek because of wanting to gain something out of it. What that is I don't know, because finding what to do about it is still a mystery to me, to finally get myself in such a consequence where other will decide to not harm me again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm myself with creation of idea to get more of myself and then because of pursuing this fiction I then harmed myself as a hope and as if that was the way to achieve that which I initially pursued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do anything about another harming me because of not wanting to perpetuate and give more reason to again harm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really want to harm another because of being harmed by them, but then not because of deeming myself as less powerful and making things even worse if i do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am just as right as another even though the statements of me and another are in conflicting situation because they are based of how right we feel about them to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be right while making another proven wrong because of finding some reasons why they are not right if the statement is followed to extreme as absolute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow another to be right as a reaction because I'd loose something that I'd desire to gain and in that then become self righteous as I am right because I make myself feel good about me, and they I wrong because I make myself feel bad about me through them being the trigger for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be self righteous because if I don't I'd then not feel good about myself because of realizing I was wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility towards myself in a way where another would give me a kick start to be something and then I'd just continue on that same route of wanting to be kick stareted continuously because I run out of fuel fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another to be responsible for me and then not willing to let them go as in would grab on what they have to say so that I condition myself through them to make it ok for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for some back up within others to be responsible for me because of not knowing what that looks like, when in fact if I am still existing and am alive then I guess there is a little bit of responsibility that keeps me alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed, metaphorically speaking have little bits and pieces of programming within me that if they were big they would be abusive, but I can't entirely get rid of them, for instance, I know I have decided to not harm, but there still is a potential to, like 99% not harmful and 1% harmful, and I just don't know how to get rid of awareness of that memorized thought and thus have fear within me that it might develop into something more, even though I'd by will try to keep it not harmful way because I don't want to see myself how good I'd be in that perspective, not that equally failing at that is an unavoidable option.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse self righteousness in such a way where I would like to be responsible about things that I and others would feel good about and not responsible about things that would make me and others feel bad, as it is not my fault that bad things happen in the world while I know that I just stand by and watch how I write and observe them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that others would see me as responsible because of fear that if I don't look like that I wont get them to like me and allow me to be in a positive relationship with them, especially when I'd like to be so, I mean I don't want to be in a negative one, or make them feel bad, just because of being there, like my appearance alone makes them go haywire and reactive and unstable and because of that I then feel bad about myself because my presence alone makes them not be attracted to me and thus repulsive and repel them away from me, ironic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be self righteous but I then become this because of the point alone, meaning being self righteous about wanting to present myself as not being that, and on my way to proving that I cause harm because I believe that I am right, ironic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give another feed back that they are right but instead go and look for something wrong to make them wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse imperfections of another to make them feel wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse imperfections about myself to make myself be wrong and thus giving myself an excuse to not be responsible for myself and in that then blaming others because of claiming to be right themselves, to having it bad myself, because of the way they participate in creation of a consequence where they enjoy themselves and I don't, because I don't have what they have, to reason themselves to be in an enjoyable situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to others that they contributed to a better me with the way they acted towards me even thou I didn't like it, because I was so used to my own programming and was not aware how harmful it was, even though I felt good about being that way, and fell bad letting go of that way of living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save myself, but becuase I don't see what is there of myself to be saved, becuase of looking at the thing from self interest, I go and do stuff that I like to then create a conseqeunce that I save myself from becuase of initially doing that what i like made a long term events that I have to suffer until I save myself from them, instead of just looking around me what is there practically needed to be done to make it best for all and thus save myself with that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another to be self-responsible for me because of me not knowing entirely what that looks like and then come into conflict with myself because of searching for another to learn from when then another stated that she learns from me, and I then took it as another lie because everything is a lie, that we made up and believe ourselves to be the truth, while that which is true this physically real is being ignored while we pariticipate in thoughts of thinking about what is real and true and what not when the facts that we see with our own eyes are just too obvious to be seen while constant thinking is making us not being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I learn from another just as another learns from me, and that we are all a feed back and support to eachother if we only will ourselves to be so, just as we can harm each other, because we only have to will ourselves to be so.

When and as I see myself coming to a conflicting situation because of wanting to say something right and then looking at possibilities why it can be taken as wrong, I then due to over analyzing just stay still and not move, give an impression of being ignorant because of not knowing how to say it right,, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I only need to look practicality of it and then move in a way to make it practically right, and to see if my next move that I want, need or desire to do is not creating a long term consequence that would be harmful in a long run for an extensive period of time, most likely eternity,

I commit myself to be self responsible instead of becoming a burden that another would have to carry for a long time

I commit myself to look at other people as constant feedback for the way I participate and not take it personally just because I'll have to let go of some thought of some idea in my head that I believed I was right about but then caused a not enjoyable situation because I was wrong.

I commit myself to behave self responsibly towards results I get from testing thing out for myself and not take it personally because the results that i got in my mind using my imagination are not aligned with the results I encountered for real.
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