Axel's Journey to Life

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Axel
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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 27 Jun 2014, 12:46

Tag 14: Selbst-Vertrauen als Handlungsmotiv

Beim anschauen meiner diversen Handlungsmotive über die ich die letzten Tage schrieb kam immer wieder der Punkt auf, dass die meisten Handlungsmotive entweder auf Gedanken basieren (wie zum Beispiel den Gedanken an Existenzängste, den Gedanken an Schuld gegenüber sich selbst oder der Welt, den Gedanken an eine früher gemachte Erfahrung die man wiederholen oder vermeiden möchte) oder den sich aus Gedanken ergebenden Fragen (wie z.B. die Frage nach Wahrheit und Selbst-Erkenntnis). Jedoch liegt fast immer ein Gedanke zugrunde, der aufgrund der ihm beigemessenen Bedeutung dann zum Handlungsmotiv erhoben wird. Darüber habe ich gestern geschrieben.

Was ich allerdings bei der gestrigen Betrachtung außer Acht gelassen habe war die Frage, woher denn diese Gedanken überhaupt kommen. Kann ich die Gedanken, die ich habe überhaupt frei wählen? Ich glaube nicht. Die Gedanken erscheinen sozusagen aus dem nichts und ich habe keinerlei Einfluss darauf welche Gedanken erscheinen oder wann sie das tun. Ich kann nicht frei wählen was ich denke, sondern nur ob ich den Gedanken irgendeinen Wert beimesse. Ich hier in Bezug auf meine Gedanken völlig dem Spiel von Kräften unterworfen deren Natur und Ziele ich nicht verstehe und die ich auch nicht als die wahre Ursache meiner Entscheidungsfindungsprozesse und letztlich als meine Handlungsmotive erkenne.

Doch wenn ich mich meine Gedanken gar nicht frei wählen kann, nicht weiß woher sie wirklich kommen, sollte ich ihnen dann überhaupt trauen? Sollte ich sie überhaupt als legitime Grundlage meiner Handlungen, also als gültiges Handlungsmotiv annehmen obwohl ich nicht mal die leiseste Ahnung habe, woher diese Gedanken stemmen, die ich als "meine" Gedanken ansehe weil sie in meinem Kopf sind? Um diese Frage zu beantworten müssen nun aber wieder neue Gedanken gewälzt werden, denen man aber wiederum nicht trauen kann. Eine mentale Analyse der frage nach gültigen Handlungsmotiven führt also zu keiner akzeptablen Lösung, denn wir können unseren Gedanken einfach nicht trauen. Wir befinden uns hier in einem endlosen Kreislauf, in einer Art Paradoxon, dem wir mit den Mitteln unseres Geistes nicht entkommen können. Wir drehen uns nur im Kreis, und können unsere Probleme so keiner Lösung näher bringen. Die Katze beißt sich selber in den Schwanz.

Welche nicht-mentalen Mittel stehen uns als Ausweg aus diesem mentalen Dilemma und zur Erzeugung authentischer, also aus uns Selbst und nicht auf "unseren" Gedanken basierender Handlungsmotive zur Verfügung? Ich spreche hier also von Mitteln und Wegen die zu einer Handlung führen ohne dass der Geist und die gedankliche Behandlung mit der Situation mit nachfolgender Bewertung durch den Geist stattgefunden hat. Das einzige was in den Sinn kommt ist: spontane Einsicht oder Intuition. Also das Vertrauen auf die in uns selber wirkenden Kräfte. Denn dem Geist kann nicht getraut werden. Er ist durch Konditionierung korrumpiert und daher manipuliert und nicht verlässlich. Genauso wenig wie unserem Geist kann auch den aufsteigenden Gefühlen nicht getraut werden. Den warum diese aufsteigen können wir auch nicht erkennen. Nur die spontane Einsicht, das intuitive Erkennen des zu gehenden Weges, jenseits von Gründen und Emotionen, also allein durch das absolute Vertrauen in unser Selbst sollten wir uns bei unseren Entscheidungen leiten. Und das ist es was Selbst-Vertrauen bedeutet.

Dieses Selbst-Vertrauen müssen wir entwickeln um neue Lösung für alte Probleme zu finden. Denn die bisherigen Lösungen haben offenbar kläglich versagt. Sowohl auf der politischen wie auf der sozialen Ebene. So wohl zur Lösung der inneren wie auch der äußeren Probleme. Wir müssen also zunächst die innere Bindung an das von Gedanken gesteuerte Geist-Bewusstsein-System überwinden und unsere Intuition und Selbst-Erkenntnis stärken, bevor wir auf Lösung unseres Dilemmas hoffen können.
  • Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und es akzeptiert habe das Geist-Bewusstsein-System als Kontroll- und Leitungsinstanz einzusetzen und meinen Gedanken die absolute Macht über mich zu geben.
  • Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und es akzeptiert habe nicht zu erkennen, dass meine Gedanken mich kontrollieren und meine Handlungen bestimmen.
  • Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und es akzeptiert habe meine Gedanken als meine Gedanken zu akzeptieren, obwohl ich erkannt habe, dass ich keinen Einfluss darauf habe welche Gedanken in meinem Kopf auftauchen und welche nicht.
  • Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und es akzeptiert habe wie ein ferngesteuerter Roboter von Gedanken leiten zu lassen, die mit großer Sicherheit gar nicht meine Gedanken sind, sondern die mir durch das Geist-Bewusstsein-System nur als "meine" Gedanken suggeriert werden.
  • Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und es akzeptiert habe meine Intuition zu vernachlässigen, sie zu unterdrücken und beiseite zu schieben, und sie nicht als gültige Handlungsgrundlage anzuerkennen.
  • Ich verpflichte mich dazu, "meine" Gedanken nicht mehr als die Meinen anzusehen, sondern als extern angeregte Vorschläge, die angesehen werden können, aber nicht müssen.
  • Ich verpflichte mich meine Gedanken darauf hin zu prüfen, ob sie mit meiner Intuition übereinstimmen und sie in Frage zu stellen, wenn sie das nicht tun.
  • Ich verpflichte mich dazu, meine Intuition als das wesentliche Handlungsmotiv für meine Aktionen zu benutzen und alle "wenn und aber"-Gedanken nicht mehr zu berücksichtigen.
http://axelsreiseinsleben.blogspot.de/2 ... n-als.html

http://axelsjourneytolife.wordpress.com ... ungsmotiv/



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Axel
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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 28 Jun 2014, 20:04

Day 15: What does Self-responsibility really mean and why is it required?

During the past few days I realized that a number of feelings repeatedly arose. For example I had been feeling upset a couple of times by the reactions and demands that others expressed towards me. I accused them for being dishonest, self-centered, egoistic, and for betrying and exploiting me in dishonesty and realized that such feelings had affected major life changing decisions in my recent past. In this I was accepting myself as the victim, which allowed to me accuse others and blame them for my need to change my life once and again.

A deeper investigation of the victim role and why I have accepted and allowed it to rule many if not most of my decisions lead to some points which need further investigation. One important point was my strong desire for freedom and thus for my wish to be independent from others and the incapbility to commit to any path, lifestyle, partnership, work or living location. This went as far as hating my body for the demands it puts on me in order to feed it on a daily basis. I cannot recall wantig this body and having to take care of it and thus I feel victimized and search for a scapegoat that I can blame for it and who then has to take care of my body because I did not want it and thus refuse the responsibilty for it. In much the same way I am hating my thoughts and desires that I have about freedom and which force me to seek for that freedom anywhere and everywhere. I don't want to accept the responsibility to become free since I believe freedom is a birthright nobody has to fight for just in the same way as nobody should be forced to fight for survival in this world.

It seems that I am simply not willing to take responsibility for my life (because I feel I did not ask for it) and certainly not for that of others. I refuse such responsibilities and search for someone to do it for me. But I also realize and understand that in the same way in which I dont wish to take responsibility for another persons life or well-being, they should not and cannot be forced to take over responsibility for mine. And even if they would agree to do it, I would object and refuse to live under their governance because that would totally go against my idea of freedom.

So I have a conflict here. I have a life and a body that I did not want and that I have to deal with. This makes me unfree. In order to be free I would like to not have that responsibility and rather give it away. But I cannot give it away either because that too would make me unfree.

I tried to resolve this issue and while in the process a lot of fears, projections, and escpae behaviours came up I am still lost in confusion concerning my ideas of freedom, bondage, responsibility and committment. Even after hours of dealing with these questions I am not clear about my ideas in this matter, why I have them, how it all relates to my victim role and my repeated behaviours of trying to escape and avoid responsibility instead of simply facing life in the physical, how to make sense of it, resolve it, and change it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become confused over the ideas of freedom, bondange, victimhood, responsibility, and committment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for excuses that allow me to escape unpleasant situations rather than standing up to them in truth, facing the my confusing and my questions in honesty, and trying to find a solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and accuse others in an attempt to avoid self-responsibility for my life and my well-being.
  • I commit myself to investigate these points further, dissect them one by one and their relationship to each other and not stop until a honest and complete resolution and sufficient clarity has been reached.


http://axelsreiseinsleben.blogspot.de/2 ... ility.html

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Axel
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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 30 Jun 2014, 14:56

Day 16: Taking my life back

On day 15 I wrote about the point of self-responsibility and why I did not want it. My argument was that I did not opt for coming here into this life or this body (at least I cannot remember it) and since it was not my choice I didn't want to take responsibility for it. I did not want to be forced into any kind of responsibility that was forced on me without my free acceptance of it. So I wanted to give up my responsibility for my life and my body. But this also caused a conflict becaue in giving up the responsibility for my body and my life, i would have to submit to others which also would restrict my freedom. So in the end there was no out. I could either take up the responsibility for a body and a life that I never choce through my free will or I could give it up and let othters rule over me. In both cases I would not have a choice. So it really did not matter if I took up responsibility for my life and body or gave it up. I would not be free either way.

I know that my cicrulating thoughts kept me in this confusing thining-loop and in the downward spiral of repetitive thinking. Fortunately, the day after I wrote my day 15 blog I had to travel and take a day off from writing. And today the situation just does not look as dire and confusing as before. As I wrote earlier, there is always a possibility to decide (by something I would call free will) whether or not we want to give any value and weight to our thoughts. In my example that would simply mean that I would not have to let my thoughts rule over me and let them rule my behaviours and actions. Neither my thought of being trapped in a life and body that I did not want did I need to choose as being true or valuable, nor did I have to believe in the idea that if I gave responsibility for my life and body away I would be unfree. Maybe even the opposite was true and if I simply would not hang on to my personal definition of freedom (as for expample needing to be free of my life and body to be free), I would indeed be free. So what if I just did not cling to any thought, any idea, any belief or definition? What if I would simply freely choose what freedom means to me, what life means to me and what my body means to me? Would this mean negating reality and escaping into illusion? Can I really decide how I want to see life and how to operate in it? Can I live life on my own terms and take full responsibility for it? And is this not exactly what I am already doing the whole time?

I have to admit this is indeed so. I am taking responsibility for my life all the time. Everyone does. Regardless of whether we decide to give responsibility away or whether we decide to keep it, it is our decision and our choice to do so. Even accepting the thought that it is much harder, perhaps too difficult, to take full responsibility for our lifes is just a choice we make. We might choose the opposite and say it is much easier to take responsibility for our lives and our bodies than give it away to others, submit to their ideas and being ruled by them. And this actually has been my problem for quite some time. I am just feeling uneasy when I have to submit to others. I cannot, I do not want to let them rule over me. I want to be my own boss. In all parts of my life. There is nobody I am allowing to rule over my life. No people, no thoughts, no ideas, no definitions, no belief system, not even God. I want to be in charge. And I am taking my life back now.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for others (people, thoughts, ideas, belief systems, definitions) to rule over me, my body, my thoughts, ideas, definitions and belief systems.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to be ruled by the values of others instead of developing my own by looking around in this world and see and realize what needs to be done.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mself to escape into confusion once and again and use this as an excuse for not facing life and accept my role in and as life.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as not being strong enought to take up lifes challenges and stand firm as life and in life and do the work that I see as my work here in life and as life, regardless of what others think.
  • I commit myself to not let confusion run my life.
  • I commit myself to work through tough situations, ideas, and confrontations in order to develop a path of honesty and self-trust that guides me through life.
  • I commit myself to develop my own values based on what I see and experience in the physical and not let my life be ruled by egoistic desires, survival instincts, delusional thinking, escapism, or visions of grandeur.
  • I commit myself to e-valuate all thoughts, ideas, definitions and belief systems that I have in relation to their value for me and others, for life as a whole, and how they can serve the greater good and then acting on them accordingly to express them here in the physical.
http://axelsreiseinsleben.blogspot.de/2 ... -back.html

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Axel
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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 01 Jul 2014, 15:06

Day 17: Releasing the Victim

On day 15 I wrote about self-responsibility and why I felt as a victim and yesterday on day 16 I wrote about my decision to take my life back. I want to continue this train of thought since I feel there is a strong relationship between being confused and the refusal reaction and its release through acceptance and forgiveness as described on day 15, and the following corrective application (deciding to take control) described on day 16.

The confusion and rejection experienced on day 15 were coming exclusively from the mind. It was my entire upbrining and the values that I had acquired during the first 45 years of my life that rebelled against the change in direction that I wanted to implement now in my life. In a clear way this confusion was showing me that I was still holding on to the people, the thoughts, the ideas, the definitions, values and belief systems that had been formed during my life but to which I could not hold on to any longer since they absolutely dont work for me anymore. The new people, thoughts, ideas, definitions, values and belief system fully contradict the old. And I need to make a decision. I cannot follow two contradictory and opposing paths at the same time. This is impossible. But I was refusing to accept the new, even though it makes far more sense. I refused and rebelled against it because I feared it could be too difficult to embark on that new road and into the unknown even though I saw clearly that the old ways did not work at all. So the confusion was about the fact that I knew the old was not working for me and only a change would be able to work, but at the same time was unwilling to let the old go and accept the new even though I knew it was the only path that could work. I was refusing and rejecting new which I knew was true because my mind labelled it as difficult and unbearable even though the way that actually was difficult and unbearable was the old way and not the new. And this caused the confusion. The confusion tried to hold me inside the well-known victim role and my mind rejected its release into self-directed living in honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the victim role even to this very day.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in uncertainty, confusion, self-pity, refusal and rejection as the mind without realizing that it would keep me prisoner to the old and outdated victim role.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the old victim role and all my previous attachments even though they clearly do not work for me anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embark on the new path of self-honesty and authenticity because of fear of the new and the challenges that might come.
  • I commit myself to now embark on the path I see in front of me and follow it through without ever letting my ingrained mind-programs of fear and self-doubt interfere with it again.
  • I commit myself to let go of self-doubt, confusion, and fear.
  • I commit myself to release the victim role in all areas of my life once and for all.
  • I commit myself to let go of the past and all my mental and emotional attachments to it and follow the path that leads to life as life in authenticity and self-honesty.
http://axelsreiseinsleben.blogspot.de/2 ... ictim.html

http://axelsjourneytolife.wordpress.com ... he-victim/



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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 03 Jul 2014, 14:27

Day 18: Taking my time to write

Sometimes, like today, I don't feel I can write something useful. The Journey-to-Life blog is not supposed to be a diary or a regurgitation of mindless thoughts. It is supposed to have direction and make a point clear. But this takes time. The points that need clarity don't just pop up. At least not in my head. Prior to developing a point and bring it into clarity, contemplation is needed. I often begin my writing in quite random fashion, just collecting some thoughts on paper or in my computer, and then looking where it leads me and which points show up that grab my attention. I then pick one of these points and try to develop it into a statement and a formulate a directive application.

The point here today is, that I find it important that I simply take my time each day to sit and write. I won't let myself disctract myself by the thought that I don't have any point to write about today or that other things need my attention more. Such thoughts come up quite often. Also, my entire enviroment (family, friends, people in general) try to pull me back into their stories. They let me know that they don't understand what I am doing and why I am sitting hours in front of the screen typing while there is so much to do out there. And when I ask them what it is that should be done out there they come up with questions marks in their eyes as if they can't believe that I am not seeing it myself. They tell me we could talk, I could enjoy the warm weather and the sunshine, we could ride the bike, go to town to stroll around, take a walk, whatever. They cannot believe that I am satisfied with what I am doing and that I neither need them nor their conversations nor any other kind of distraction. It is just the opposite. I want to calm my mind, let my thoughts subside, gain clarity not of thought and in thought but from though, and see and realize what is 'out there' apart from thought.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my thoughts.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my time could be better invested in enjoying physical life rather than sitting in silence to develop a point for my writing my blog.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life could pass me by while I am indulging in my thoughts and my writing instead of participating in what people call "normal life" and its activites.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I am doing the right thing when I continue sitting in front of my computer and writing my blog and when I refuse to participate in the "normal activities" that others consider to be normal and thus risk being regarded as antisocial or unbearable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am responsible to establish and maintain a nice and supportive personal atmosphere when I am together with people instead of letting them know that I need time for contemplation and writing.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my writing based on the idea that I need to be a good companion for others even though I find their activities quite meaningless, egoistic, and merely distractive.
  • I commit myself to make time for my writing each and every day and even when I feel that I don't have much or in fact anything to write about.
  • I commit myself to let other people in my environment know about my writing and that I need to do it even if they don't understand it.
  • I commit myself to commit to myself and my process first instead of committing to others.
  • I commit myself to not enter into any activies that simply support someones egoistic pursuits (like for example they needing my company to distract themselves through talking) rather than entering into a conversation concerning my reasons for doing so.
http://axelsreiseinsleben.blogspot.de/2 ... write.html

http://axelsjourneytolife.wordpress.com ... -to-write/



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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 16 Nov 2014, 21:57

Day 19: How to get trapped in the Matrix …. and eventually become free

There is this mind-control system in place that is called "The Matrix" in the movie series with the same title. We are all subject to its influences, and mostly unaware of its existence we are unconsciously driven by it. Our thoughts, our emotions, our desires for a fulfilling partnership or job, for recognition of our work and acceptance of who we are, or simply for more happiness in our lives are triggered by this matrix. Everytime we follow one of these impulses we tie ourselves more strongly to this matrix and increase its stonghold in our lives.

I became aware of this matrix for the first time about 5 years ago, when over a time period of a couple of weeks I somehow obtained more clarity and could suddently "see" this matrix and its operations. But this clarity did not last. Altough at that time I also began to become aware of my own ego as well of the colletice human ego and how they produced all the manifestations I could see in this world, I was not able to hold and maintain this awareness. The awarness gradually, perhaps even quickly, and very quietly declined without me even noticing it. At the same time it rapidly gave birth to an inflated, spiritual ego, which replaced my former ego in an instant without me realizing it for years. Until yesterday.

I cannot even explain at this moment how it came about that was unable to see this spiritual ego for such a long time even though it was reflected to me by my environment and the people in it every single day (I had my blinders on big time). I cannot explain either why I was able to see through all this yesterday in a fleeting moment of clarity. But what I can say is that over the past 5 years I implemented a lot (a lot!) of outer changes in my life becaue I thought I had understood what the matrix was and that after this understanding I was now operating outside of it so that it rules would not apply to me anymore. Big mistake. Very big mistake. It was nothing like that at all. All it was was a largely inflated ego that drove me deeper into frustration, anxiety, worry, even fear. And I, through my now inflated spiritual ego, pushed it all aside because I was so convinced that I had dropped my ego long ago. Therefore I was now unable to see it in operation.

So what happened yesterday? For about the past 10 days I had been living alone, which was the first time in about 18 months of travel and being together with people. Those 10 days were filled with distractions of all kinds. With browsing through the internet more or less randomly, with reading blogs, with lying in the sun, with listening to music, etc., etc. etc. During those days I had felt some pressure rising inside of me that I wanted to release by following these distractions. But it did not work well. The pressure was building up more and more. So yesterday I was asking me what I was actually doing here. I asked myself why I was alone, why I was on a boat, why I had so many failing relationships over tha past months, why my economic situation has not gone better, why I kept worrying about all of this, why I was struggling internally with my lifes situation, why I did not like my life, why I did not like my situation, why I did not like what I did, and why I did not even liked me and who I was anymore. I wrote these questions down on paper and suddenly I SAW on paper in black and white before my eyes this word "I" appearing all over the place. There was no conern for others. There was only this word "I" that stuck out.

And this schocked me to the bone. Was I really that egoistic that there was no concern for others anymore in my life? Was there really no room for anything except me? Obviously this was the case. And I could see this fact even reflected back to me through almost all of the realtionships that I was having over that past year or so. I was egoistic and so I was thus surrounded by egoistic people as well. It was as simple as that.

I had given my energy to activities and behaviors that would fulfill my desire for a new and fulfilling raltionship, for a new and fulfilling way to earn money, for a new and fulfilling way to become happy with my life. But these ideas to which I had became so attached over time, and I realize this now, were Matrix programs to simply keep me inside the matrix and in economic slavery, out of which I sought to escape through applying the very same behavior that kept me in it, which are the search for a fulfilling partnership, job, and lifestyle.

But all these wishes are born inside the Matrix and only reflected programs of the matrix. And this is exactly the reason why the matrix is so seductive. Because it promises you that you can have it all. You can have a fulfilling relationship, you can have a rewarding job, you can have a happy life. All you have to do is to follow some rules, become a good member of society, get a job, and think about yoursel first and only. And this is now the state of the world we find ourselves in. An egoistic world in which everybody fights for themselves.
But the world outside the matrix is different. It is shaped by standing up for what is right in this world instead of standing up for what the "I" wants. It is shaped by taking responsibility not only for ones own life, but also for the lives of others who cannot (for whatever reason) care for themselves. It is shaped by the concern for others and their struggles and not by supporting their egos and their egotistical desires. It is shaped by considering what is good and best for all and by forgetting about ones own pure self-interest.

It is now clear to me that my thoughts, emotions, and desires drove me deeper into the matrix than ever before. It is now clear to me that I cannot trust my thoughts or my emotions becaue they are programs of the matrix that make me feel right, happy, fulfilled, and on track with "my" life - all in the interest of "my" ego and that of the matrix of separation. It is now clear to me that I must stop following those thoughts and emotions and become very wary and aware of the choices I make and why I make them.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in pure self-interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my blinders on in order to not have to see and face what the world is trying to show me through my realtionships.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to trust this "I", which simply is the ego and which through thoughts and emotions triggered my desires for a new and better relationship, new and better work, and new and better lifestyle.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as being too weak to face lifes challenges here and now and instead escape into a world of fantasy.
  • I commit myself to stop following my thoughts and desires without examining where they come from and where they will lead.
  • I commit myself to allowing only those thoughts and emotions to trigger my actions and behaviors that are not based in pure self-interest.
  • I commit myself to detach from the matrix, stop all behaviors which are based in pure-self interest or in support of the matrix and the people in it.
  • I commit myself to finding ways to live my life in such a way that it supports others so that can also begin to see their bondage to the matrix and then, together, find ways to release us all from the stronghold of the matrix.
  • I commit myself to become free of the matrix and help free others too.
  • I commit myself to wath my ego and find others who help me see when I am operating from it.
http://axelsreiseinsleben.blogspot.com. ... x-and.html

http://axelsjourneytolife.wordpress.com ... come-free/



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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 29 Mar 2015, 16:50

Day 20: What does it mean to lead a meanigless life?

I am tired of reading. The internet seems to be full of sites with well-meaning advice, like "10 ways to lead a happier life" or "the 15 most important reasons you should leave your job" etc. In addition, there are thousands who post pictures of beautiful locations on earth. These raise an expectation that if you go to any of these place you will just feel great, be in awe, and fall in love with those places and the people there and thus forget all your problems, struggles, and issues. But I found this is not so. I have spend last year on a boat in the Mediterranean not doing very much and this year even sailed from Malaysia to the Maldives. But I certainly carried all my problems with me, as well as my worries, my anxieties, my fears, etc. They subsided for a while in the beginning, when I was occupied by new impressions and the challenges I faced in an unknown and unfamiliar environment. But as soon as I came to a rest, my issues re-appeared. There was no stopping them.

There is also a lot of sites where people are claiming "I love my life". Do they really? I love my life too (at least I thought so). Sometimes at least. And other times I really don't. Why would someone post "I love my life"? And more importantly, why would I read it? The only reason for me to read it would be because I actually do not love my own life and therefore seek a lifestyle that I could enjoy more. Certainly those people who claim they love their lives can be, and have been, an inspiration for me to change something in my life. They became a "permission slip" that allowed me to change my life. But what for? Did it really change something inside of me too? Did I become happier or a better person? Or was the change merely on the outside?

So far I have to admit that despite all the changes I applied to my life during the past five years on the outside (engaging in spirtuality and new age thinking, quitting my job, travelling to beautiful destinations, buying a sailboat), not much has changed inside of me. I am still troubled by my mind and the thoughts I am having about the future.

And there is one particlar idea that I just cannot get rid of. And this is the idea that I have to find meaning.

Years ago, my job did not seem meaningful. So I quit and started to travel. But that also did not seem meaningful. So I stopped that too and purchased a sailboat to live freely on the worlds oceans under my own terms. But not long ago this idea also turned out not be that meaningful to me.

Actually, the search for meaning is repeating itself over and over in my life. I engage in something and soon after I do not find it meaningful. So I stop it and search for something else that could give meaning to my life. But I never find it. And now I am not even able to find anything that even temorarily seems meaningful enough to engage in. Why is this so? Why is the search for meaning so present in my thoughts and why can't I find it?

When I look at this issue from a different angle I realize that the idea that nothing in this world is meaningful allows me to disengage from reality. This includes people, situations, and places. Since none of that is meaningful, why bother about it?

The belief also protects my ego. Since nothing is meaningful, I might just focus only on myself and my own well-being and indulge completely in self-pleasuring activities.

Last but not least this idea allows me stop searching for meaning. Since there is no meaning in life (as per my belief and definition) it can never be found. So why try to find it?

I realize that this belief in meaninglessness puts me in a state of inactivity. If I am not forced to do anything, I wont do it (because it is meaningless). Even so-called pleasurable activities (like having sex or a good conversation, enjoying nature, eating tasty foods or getting drunk) are not meaningful and therefor I consider them useless for engagement.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the meaninglessness of life on earth.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the belief of a meaningless existence, which in turn provided a reason for me to disengage from this reality.
  • I commit myself to further investigate the belief of my life's meaninglessness and the idea of meaning of life on earth in general.
  • I commit myself to investigate the consequences of this belief for my own life and that of others.
  • I commit myself to examine the blocks I carry against changing the belief in a meaningless existence as I already see how it is not beneficial for myself or the rest of the world.
https://axelsjourneytolife.wordpress.co ... sess-life/



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barbara
Posts: 622
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:52

Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby barbara » 29 Mar 2015, 20:34

Some questions as prompts for self-investigation and sf:

How did you buy into the belief? Were you expecting to feel better? Were you looking for happiness? Who are you as/within happiness? Where are you, mind or reality?

What power have you given the word ‘meaning’?
What does the word ‘meaning’ mean to you?
Is it reasonable to search meaning?
What are you allowing within and as you when you search meaning?

playing with the word ‘meaningful’ --- it is made up of ‘me’ plus something added – (the letters a/n/i/n/g ) – to make ‘me’ more(an add-on to me) and this makes me full, meaningful ;)

Can you find purpose? Who are you as purpose?

Have you forgiven your expectations as projections into the future? What was your starting point for leaving your job and travelling?
I commit myself to examine the blocks I carry against changing the belief in a meaningless existence as I already see how it is not beneficial for myself or the rest of the world.
Is it effective to change a belief, or better to investigate to see who you are within and as it, sf, and not participate? And commit to sourcing yourself in and as the physical...

Thanks for sharing yourself here!



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Garbrielle
Posts: 1401
Joined: 15 Jun 2011, 03:29

Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Garbrielle » 30 Mar 2015, 04:20

Hi Axel, I actually tonight watched a documentary about a girl who sailed around the world by herself at the age of 14. It took her 2 years, what i found cool about this girl, Laura Dekker, is that she walked her own path, she created her life through her passion to sail, she met all sorts of people on her trip and she faced many boundaries that she had to persevere through as can be imagined on a quest such as this. Her words were pretty clear and she showed no fear throughout the whole movie. So this was an interesting example of this point of finding 'meaning' in one's life you write about, and I am finding more and more that it's about how one creates one self in the moments that are here rather then looking for it somewhere or from someone else, such as seeking this meaning in travel, but actually standing and living the change one want to see, this by fact is the only real way to see if it in deed will be done. So what I am finding helpful and supportive is more to create the meaning in my own life such as a project that i'm involved in is to walk my best in it, supporting the best i am able to, and always walking correction processes to make sure i change to be better/best for all. This starts to ensure you are the directive in your own life, and not the external which is separate from self here. This is creating one's life rather then being a bystander while other's live/walk.

And as you have walked your self forgiveness this shows the correction that is taking place, so to create the space of having the 'happy' life, one has to create this as life, a 'happy' environment that works for all and all is equal. This to be optimum is walked within self honesty and self forgiveness/self correction to ensure one is aligned to life to be life and so create life. This is the process we are walking here so thanks for sharing yourself.



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Axel
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Joined: 20 Jan 2013, 02:12
Location: Europe (no permanent address)
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Re: Axel's Journey to Life

Postby Axel » 30 Mar 2015, 11:43

Hey Gabrielle,

thanks for your comment. I hear about Laura Dekker too. An amazing girl for sure.

In your comment you brought up the points of "passion" and a "happy life", which we have to create for ourselves. The struggle I find myself in is that presently I simply do not recoginze any true "passion" or what I would regard as a "happy life". This is my predicament.

Barbara pointed out a few questions to further investigate this issue. Perhaps that will help to find out why I am allowing myself to participate in such destructive ideas.

Thanks to both of you for your comments.




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