Day 6: Leave Me Be – I Am Depressed!
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/04/day-6- ... depressed/
A character that I took note of yesterday was the depression-character – and this is a character that I’ve noticed I am holding unto even though I can clearly seen when it is that I go into this character, or way of being.
depression2I have seen that when I go into the depression character – I become less communicative, I become passive, held back, and I generally feel like everything is a drag – something that I am forced to participate within even though I don’t really want to. What I’ve seen is that I will have within me an awareness that “oh – how quiet I suddenly became, and how strict, and tense I became in my participation – there must be something going on here!” – yet my self-honesty stops there – because there problem is that I am not in that moment saying to myself – “ok – shit – now I’ve gone into the depression character – let’s move myself out of this crap!” – and the physically moving myself out of the state of being through deliberately pushing myself to be physical in the moment – which might include communicating with people, or if I am by myself in my apartment – leaving my apartment to take a walk – or apply self-forgiveness on the point.
The consequences of me existing in this character is something is that not only me – but my entire environment become affected – if I am around people I am able to see this the most clearly. People around me become more silent, introverted, and seemingly fearful of communicating and interacting with me – which is probably because I look pretty down so to speak – and as if I am at the verge of a breakdown, ready to attack any poor soul that dare to disturb me in my moment of grief.
I can also see how this character affects me personally – the consequence of me participating in this character is that I miss out on a lot of opportunities to have fun – to interact and express myself – and I instead up feeling that “everyone else but me is having fun!” – “what about me!” – when it’s really myself that have placed me into the experience of the depression – and it’s me that have decided that apparently I am not capable of moving myself out of the character as I see that I become possessed within it.
The point to apply self-forgiveness upon is thus justifying holding unto the depression character, and also justifying not taking action when it is that I see I enter a specific character – and also clearly see the solution in the moment.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the depression character – and within me seeing that I am going into the depression character – justify why I should remain in the depression character – through thinking that I am not able to change the depression I experience into and as self-expression here – and that this depression character is apparently something that is superior to me that I am not able to do anything about – or change – or direct in anyway what-so-ever – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am able to change my experience of myself as the depression character – and I in-fact see the solution – which is physical self-movement in the moment
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of justifications when I enter the depression character – instead of going into immediate self-application – in changing the character immediately as I see I become this character in my physical living – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how simple it is to change a character in the moment – and that all it takes is a clear decision – and then living that decision into and as the physical – and as such pushing change – bringing forth change through a directive statement of who I am in the moment – and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that – sure – this takes somewhat more effort than remaining in the character – yet within me pushing myself out from the state of depression – I am in-fact opening up the possibility for myself to enjoy myself and have – which is much better than being stuck in a character – and in always worth the effort
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to endorse the characters coming up within me – and hold unto the characters – thinking that the characters are a part of me – and if I was to let them go – and change them – then this would mean that I also disappear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that this is merely a justification that I use in order to not have to go through the effort of actually changing myself in a moment – when it is that I see a transcendence point is emerging and coming into my awareness here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through the resistance – and see that there is absolutely nothing to fear in letting go of characters – and that what I experience is merely some birth pains that will subside when I am done with the birthing process
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice, and perfect the skill of immediate self-change – wherein I accept and allow myself to in the moment that I notice I go into a particular character – to immediately formulate a directive statement within me as to who I am – and how I am going to live in that moment – and what will be my expression in that moment – and as such immediately change myself from existing as a limited energy junky – as a character – into living within oneness and equality with my human physical body here
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, think and believe that characters are superior to me – and utilize this feeling, these thoughts, and these beliefs – in order to create an experience within me that I am really inferior to the characters coming up within me as conglomerations of thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures, memories, and other mind components – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am really in-fact – deliberately – inducing this state of feeling and experiencing myself as less than within myself – so that I can have something to blame – so that I do not have to change myself in-fact
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize energy, and experiences to make myself inferior to the thoughts coming up within me mind – and to the physical characters that activate as I move through my day – and believe that this experience of inferiority is real – is relevant – and that is a point that I should honor within and as my participation and movement of myself within and as this world – not seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience of inferiority is in-fact a lie – a lie that I use in order to keep myself stuck in my mind – in fear of coming out into the physical and really living – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get out in the physical to really live – to see that there is nothing to fear about letting go of the mind – I mean – sure it’s a new experience to live here with the physical – but it is in itself absolutely nothing to fear – it’s merely a new experience – and a new way of living – as such something that could be fun – and enjoyable to investigate if I simply accepted and allow myself to live that enjoyment
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be strict, and disciplined with myself – in terms of pushing myself to participate here within and as breath – and to utilize each moment as a opportunity for change – and not use a moment as a opportunity to remain stuck in cycles of past moments – as points that I’ve made to be memories within me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that – it’s simply a point to practice – to change myself here immediately – and to see each moment as a opportunity for change – and that it’s not something to fear – not something to live up to – and to something to resist – it’s merely a point of change that is lived here – one decision – and then it’s done
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the resistance I experience towards changing myself – is in-fact fear – fear of becoming real – fear of being real in this world – and reality – and fear of getting out of my mind to face in real time the shit that I’ve accepted and allowed to exist here – and to really see – understand – the mess that I’ve placed myself into – and the severity of the situation – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that really – it’s nothing to fear – because whether I avoid seeing what is here or not – the shit is still here – thus – it’s for more effective to simply decide to get out of my mind – to then apply that point – get out of my mind – and get back here – and start walking through the shit that I’ve manifested and created in this world – and then be done with it – instead of hiding in resistance – and fear – which really does nothing at all but postpone the inevitable of facing the consequences that I’ve accumulated here
1. When and as I see that I am justifying why I should remain in the depression character – through thinking that I am not able to change the depression I experience into and as self-expression – here – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – this is me lying to myself so I won’t have to change – which is really stupid – because changing myself is far more better than remaining as a mind – secluded and limited to only exist within and as energy constructs of the mind; as such I commit myself to stop justifying not changing myself – and immediately commence to take action – through physical self-movement here – doing what is I see is required to get me back here
2. When and as I see that I do not go into immediate self-application as I notice that I go into the depression character – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – hey – this depression character really isn’t fun to exist, and live as – really – it sucks, it’s boring, it’s uncomfortable – and I already know exactly where the road ends – as such I commit myself to act – and push myself to live immediate self-correction as I see that I go into a point that is compromising for myself or another
3. When and as I see that I am using fear – as the fear of loosing myself – to hold unto characters of the mind and justify why I do not change myself; I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – sure it will take effort to change myself – but it’s gotdamn worth it! I mean – I’ve already proven this to myself countless of times in regards to the points of my living that I’ve already changed; as such I commit myself to stop postponing change through going into fear – and then only when I’ve seen that the fear is not real – to then change – but to immediately go to change without first going through the entire and unnecessary experience of justifying myself existing as the character
4. I commit myself to practice, and perfect the skill of immediate self-change – as the point of when I see that I go into a character – to immediately in that moment make a directive statement of who I will accept and allow myself to be – and then live that physically – practically – here – as such short-circuiting my process – not having to go through an entire process of going into the character – seeing that I have subdued to the character – and then justifying me remaining in the character – and first then – considering changing and moving myself out of the character
5. When and as I see that I am thinking, and feeling that the mind-characters that comes up within me – are superior and better than me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the characters coming up within me are not superior or better than me – in-fact this experience that I am having is merely an attempt from me to not have to change myself – because apparently it is to much work – and it takes to much effort – not realizing that this takes the same amount of effort for me to justify me remaining limited – and fighting me changing myself; as such I commit myself to simply change when I see that the moment of change has opened up and is here – and let myself walk the change without sabotaging for myself through creating all of these insane and unnecessary experiences
6. When and as I see, and notice that I am believing that the experience of inferiority coming up within me towards the thoughts coming up within me, and the characters that activate through-out my day – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – I am not inferior to the mind and the points coming up within me – this is only a convenient truth that I’ve created for myself – convenient because it implies that I am not able to change myself – and that I have not responsibility in terms of what is going on within my mind; as such I commit myself to see the real truth – which is that I accept and allow what goes on within me – and that at the end of the day – I stand responsible for each point that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as through-out my day – I can’t blame the mind – and I can’t blame anyone else – because it’s only me that is existing within me
7. I commit myself to be strict and disciplined with myself in terms of utilizing each moment of breath as a opportunity to change – as opportunity to stabilize myself and to take a breath and be here with and my human physical body – and equalize, and amalgamate myself with the physical – and not go into the mind
8. When and as I see, and notice that I experience fear/resistance towards changing myself – and directing myself – stopping my habitual participation in the mind and getting back into the physical reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – really – there is nothing to fear about becoming real – and seeing for real what is going on here – and taking responsibility for what is existent in myself and in this reality as a whole – in-fact it’s much worse to wait – and pretend to be a slave to my mind – and exist in a state of postponement – because that implies suffering – while changing implies – suffering yet going towards a brighter tomorrow; as such I commit myself to dare myself to change myself – and to dare to be self-honest – and face the music that is here – and go into the darkest and deepest pits of the mind – and unravel the shit – and re-create myself into a living being of integrity that stands for a world that is best for all