Tyler's Journey to Life

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 8- Reacting to Girls

Today I found myself after class talking with the teaching assistant and three of my classmates were also there. My classmates are female and I found myself going into reaction about being there with just my TA and three females.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the females in my classroom within nervousness as thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about sex in relation to my classmates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not having sex.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement as not having sex.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not having sex.



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tylersr
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Day 9- A Scary Memory

I have a memory of being in my friend’s apartment and receiving a call from my brother. He told me that, because my mother had herpes when we were born, it is possible that we might have contracted it from her. Upon hearing this news, I fainted. To this day, I have thoughts about having/contracting herpes when I think about sex and this point of worry/fear in relation to herpes doesn’t feel cleared within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when in the Past, hearing that I might have herpes, go into a fear reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when in the Past, learning that my test for herpes was negative- meaning that I probably didn’t have herpes, go into a positive joy reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when thinking about having herpes, react with dread where it’s like this sinking feeling in my solar plexus area.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when thinking about getting herpes, react with anxiety where I go into a justification for not having sex or talking to a girl because I might get herpes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexual expression because of/due to the suppressed negative energy associated with the word ‘herpes’ instead of allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that there are common sense measures such as additional testing and having my partner tested which can minimize my risk for exposure/exposing another and ensuring my sexual partner and I are on the same page.

When and as I see myself go into a reaction of fear/worry/apprehension about herpes, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that reacting to the thought of herpes within my mind is not what’s best for all and so I commit myself to direct myself to effective sexual expression as what is, in fact, best for all.

I commit myself to not allowing fear of herpes prevent me from getting to know someone.

I commit myself to, before entering into sexual contact with my partner, ensure that we have communicated effectively so as to ensure all possible measures have been taken to minimize the risk of harm within sexual contact.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 10- Relationship Material

A point which I’ve seen come up again and again is where I try to decide whether a woman is “relationship material” based upon her looks. It’s like, she gets past the “I won’t talk to her” and then, in considering whether to pursue a relationship with this woman, I attempt to see “but, is she pretty?”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when seeing a woman, to go into and as the thought “is she attractive?” because of my desire to be seen with someone who is considered attractive and because of my fear of being seen with someone who isn’t attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that, within attempting to fit a woman within the category of attractive within my mind, I am missing the relationship this desire to categorize based on looks has to the conditioning and resultant externalities pervasive in society wherein women’s quality of life is based upon their ability (or lack thereof) to be categorized as attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that, within attempting to categorize a woman based upon her looks within considering a relationship with this woman, I am not considering Woman as an Equal and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in not securing my own financial security and ability to apply myself effectively, regardless of the capacity to categorize women based upon their looks, I am not in a position to engage a woman in an agreement-relationship as an equal but instead projecting my fear of not surviving on women I encounter in my world.



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tylersr
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Day 11- Beholden to the Internet

Wherein I see that my relationship to/as technology is that of imprisonment. Instead of seeing technology as a tool to use, optionally, and with and as the self-directive principle, I am beholden to technology in various ways where I have really given control of myself over to technology as computers and the internet instead of remaining responsible and accountable for my expression here regardless of whether or not technology happens to be involved as a helpful tool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in spending time surfing the internet or looking at Facebook I was abdicating my responsibility for expressing myself unconditionally here inasmuch as I was conveniently “trapped” by technology that I didn’t direct myself to first understand. Here I would simply busy myself with “being on the internet” as if this common activity was justification enough in itself without realizing that, in giving myself over to “being on the internet” as an activity, I had denied myself the opportunity to direct my self-expression here. This is an example of simply absorbing something from my environment in “being on the internet” and then abusing imagination to make up a story about how it’s a harmless activity, others do it, it’s my right, etc.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that, in giving myself over to “being on the internet” as an excusable activity I made up in my mind, I separate myself from the actual, physical processes involved with being on the internet and miss the cool practical applications of the internet available to me if I were to slow down and apply myself with a clear starting point in using the internet instead of repeating the learned behavior of “being on the internet” as a cultural activity of abdicative behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I find myself in a moment where I seemingly “have nothing to do,” to then give myself over to “being on the internet” as an activity.

When and as I see myself think about using the internet to pass the time, I stop and I breathe. I am self-responsible and as such, it is not possible to avoid myself through passing the time and in fact such a temptation represents a diminishment of self when I could be applying myself effectively.

I commit myself to direct myself effectively in every moment.



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tylersr
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Day 12- Against My Will or the Consequences of Abdication?

I remember lying on C’s bed. He was massaging my legs. At some point his hand moved up and touched my genitals. I wasn’t OK with that but it didn’t happen again and I didn’t say anything about it. I lived in his house for a little while longer and eventually it became apparent that it wasn’t going to work out. I moved out on ‘not the best terms’ and to this day (this was years ago) he still hasn’t paid my parents back the security deposit they placed with him on the room.

Whenever I see C around town, I go into reaction towards him. There is the emotion of hatred, a feeling like he treated me unfairly, and a belief that he is still, to this day, taking advantage of me. I will now walk self-forgiveness for the feeling and emotion reactions I get when I see C.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to C with the emotion of hatred.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that C is taking advantage of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the emotional reaction of being treated unfairly by C when, in reality, I don’t know if him touching my genitals was a mistake, a coy way of testing my interest in engaging in sexual activity, etc. and therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the belief that C deliberately touched me inappropriately.

With that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harbor anger towards C because of my belief he touched me inappropriately.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at C because of my belief that he wasted my time while living with him.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that believing C wasted my time indicates I abdicate responsibility for how I spend my time within placing a false trust in another without having first established effective communication with another within an agreement of interaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at C for not returning my phone calls to get my parents’ deposit back because I feel obligated to my parents to get their money back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that even before I moved in with C I believed myself to be better than him and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the desire to change C into a ‘better’ person.



I participate in a FREE online self-help course where I apply certain tools to uncover the contents of my mind which are holding me back from being my best self. Check out http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

I advocate economic changes to make this world worth living in for EVERYONE. Investigate The Living Income Guaranteed Proposal to learn about a new set of proposals to upgrade capitalism into a system where poverty, war, etc. are things of the past.

Join us in the process of writing ourselves to freedom. Read the 7 Years Journey to Life blogs to see examples of people who are walking as living examples of our capacity for self-change to BE the CHANGE we all wish to see in the world.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 13- Self-Commitment

Here I walk self-commitments on the self-forgiveness I wrote in the previous blog: Tyler’s Journey to Life: Day 12- Against My Will or the Consequences of Abdication?



I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into a reaction of hatred towards C, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself fearing that C is taking advantage of me, I stop and breathe. I see and realize that no one can take advantage of me beyond what I accept and allow and I direct me here.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself react with the belief I am being treated unfairly by C linked to my belief he touched me inappropriately, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that I put myself into a sketchy situation and therefore I do not allow myself to be directed by blame towards another but remain here, steady and self-directive.

I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am harboring anger towards C for my belief that he touched me inappropriately, I stop and I breathe. I release myself from this limiting belief and emotional reaction and I remain here with and as breath.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reacting in anger towards C due to my belief that he wasted my time while living with him, I stop and breathe. I see and realize that no one can actually waste my time but that I am responsible for directing myself here to use my time effectively.

I commit myself to, when and as I see that I’ve missed a crucial point of communication with another, to stop and breathe. I bring myself back here in awareness and direct myself to take the necessary steps to establish effective communication where it counts.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself react in anger towards C for not returning my parents’ deposit, I stop and I breathe. I understand that this is actually not my deal as I’ve repeatedly told me parents that I would collect their money if they find the contract that was signed between them and C and they have failed to do so- it is their money = not my responsibility and no reason to react in anger towards C for this.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself believing I am better than C, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize I am not in fact better than C, we are in fact equals and so I allow myself to release myself from this belief, based on my fear of being less than C (also a fallacy), to remain here, directing myself in common sense.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself desire to change C into a better person, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to first and foremost work on myself, no longer playing into the belief I am not powerful enough to change the world on my own and so need to change others within an imagined battle with the bad-guy elite, but seeing and realizing that, by changing myself to eventually stand as an example for others, I can in fact take on the world system.



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tylersr
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Day 14- Self-Forgiveness on the Desire to Hide From People

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hide from people because I am afraid of being judged for being abstinent and I am afraid to expose myself in people’s presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being abstinent.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that fearing being judged for being abstinent implies a disconnect from reality in creating a belief as a fear of being judged within my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing being judged for my abstinence to justify my desire to hide from people, instead of seeing and realizing that I have nothing to fear in being among people.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to expose myself in people’s presence.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself realize that fearing exposing myself in people’s presence implies that I do not know everything about myself: so how can I fear what I don’t know?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself in people’s presence instead of directing myself within the moment in people’s presence in common sense.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 15- Self-Commitments on the Desire to Hide from People

This is a continuation from Tyler’s Journey to Life: Day 14- Self-Forgiveness on the Desire to Hide From People. Suggest to read that blog first for context.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the desire to hide from people, stop and breathe. I am not the desire to hide and so I remain here, constant with the breath as who I am.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reacting with fear to the belief I will be judged for being abstinent, stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself reacting with fear and anxiety to being among people, I commit myself to stop and I breathe. I see and realize I direct myself in the present moment doing what is required in common sense and within this, I do not let myself be directed by fear of what people might think of me.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reacting to the inevitability of exposing myself in people’s presence, I stop and breathe. I see and realize that exposure in people’s presence is an opportunity for self-expansion and so I commit myself to allow myself to unfold and expand when amongst people.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 16- Am I Really Ready for a Relationship?

Something which has been occupying my mind lately is finding an agreement partner. I am quite grateful to have learned of agreements through Desteni. If you don’t know, an agreement is like a relationship but instead of allowing ourselves to exist in constant conflict and friction as many of us are used to in relationships, walking an agreement entails a principled commitment to, first, self-support, and then, mutual support in and as a relationship where what’s walked is framed in such a way as to result in an outcome that is best for all life.

Clearly, occupying myself with thoughts about an agreement without actually taking the practical steps to prepare myself for such a commitment is not optimal. Thus, I must clear the emotions and feelings attached to my idea of relationship based upon memories to then be able to apply myself within walking an agreement for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must hurry to enter into an agreement, because of my fear that I have not been in a relationship for too long and my desire to enter into an agreement soon so I can move on with my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have not been in a relationship for too long.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself not realize that fearing that I have not been in a relationship for too long implies I fear the judgement of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing that I have not been in a relationship for too long to justify my belief that I must hurry to enter into one- instead of seeing and realizing that rushing into a relationship is a form of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to enter into an agreement so I can move on with my process.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that desiring to enter into an agreement so I can move on with my process implies that I have limited my definition of progress to getting a relationship/sex, wherein I set myself up for sabotage if I don’t have sex/a relationship in my life within defining this as failure/lack of progress and a justification for falling within my process.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use desiring to enter into an agreement so I can move on with my process to justify my belief that I must hurry to enter into an agreement – instead of seeing and realizing that no part of an equality-based agreement should be rushed into but must be lived in actuality when and as the parties involved are ready-and no sooner.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 17- Fear of Talking to Women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself to/through communication with Woman, because of fear of judgement and fear of failure as not living my best life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgement.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself not realize that fear of judgement implies fear of self-exposure as ego as the parts of myself from which I’ve separated myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fear of judgement to justify fearing exposing myself through/as communication with Woman, instead of seeing and realizing communication with Woman is an opportunity to expand myself within and as what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failure at living my best life.

I forgive myeslf that I haven’t allowed myself realize that fearing failure in living my best life implies that I am hiding behind this fear to not in fact LIVE my best life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failing at living my best life- instead of directing myself SLOWLY to expand myself within/as/from the starting point of/as what’s best for ALL.



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