Tyler's Journey to Life

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 54- Part 2- I abused myself

I abused my human physical body. I had absolutely no respect for who I really was. Just the manifestation of self-abuse, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-disrespect. Why?

I sought validation. Validation for who I was a human being.

And, when I received none, I started to doubt my value within existence. I didn’t think I had any value within who I was within existence. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that needing validation implies that I do not value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not need myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not needing myself implies that I don’t take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 55- Internal Strength

I remember when I was younger overhearing the mother of a friend talk about how enrolling her son in wrestling was one of the best decisions she made for him because it taught him about inner strength and I had an extensive reaction. This happened in my parents’ home during a party they threw for friends and family every year and I was sure that she was conveying this story specifically because I was within earshot and would thus hear what she was saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe C was comparing her son to me and implying that her son had inner strength while I lack inner strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience internal words about how I was smarter than her son

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what C thinks about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lacking internal strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for my belief that I lack internal strength

When and as I see myself go into the belief that I lack internal strength, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this belief is actually making me less strong internally.

I commit myself to make practical steps to strengthen myself internally, both on a physical and a beingness level, for me, and not so that I can go and prove to C or anyone else that: see, I am, in fact, internally strong, because developing and nurturing and strengthening my internal strength is best for me

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 56- Self-sabotage

Why do I sabotage myself. How do I sabotage myself. When I don’t slow down, and I rush to do things, I am sabotaging myself. Why and how do I rush to do things? Caffeine. Improper nutrition. Stress caused by caffeine and improper nutrition. I need to focus on taking care of the little things in my life. This will help me establish discipline. This will strengthen my self-responsibility. I was not taught self-responsibility. I was taught obedience. I was taught to follow directions.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 57- Growing Out of Competitive Video Games

I experience myself as quite sensitive to my external environment. I pick up on the energy of whoever is around me, and sometimes the person can be miles away and I still 'pick up' on their energy. For example, when I play a game on my phone, I 'pick up' on the energy of the other person playing, and it is no longer about me the game, but about who the other person is within their playing.

Obviously, bringing this back to self, it is an indication I am not grounded in my physical body. I should not be able to be influenced by another person in such a way as to become emotionally upset or feel like I am not in control of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when playing a mobile game and I perceive myself as 'unable to just play', but am instead apparently forced to reckon with who this person is within their life, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that such a reaction indicates that I was not grounded before playing the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ground myself within my physical body before engaging with another on mobile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when I perceive myself as no longer able to just play my precious game

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that becoming upset while playing the game indicates that I was already lost within the mind before I even started playing the game, creating an unstable situation, where the equality equation might require that I a) stop playing the game or b) deprioritize 'just playing the game' for a moment to deal with this person within who they are in their environment on a beingness level, but I am within that moment only considering/thinking/emoting in relation to myself and thus become upset when my little bubble of self is broken and *gasp* someone else's life might interrelate with mine.

I have noticed that I only become upset in this way when playing competitive multiplayer games. When I am playing a single-player puzzle game, for example, I do not experience the same "I am being intruded upon" emotional reaction. Something about the competitive nature of the multiplayer games I've played just doesn't jive with walking my process, even in those instances where I've grounded myself before playing. Because it's always about the beings playing and where they are within who they are that is the most important thing to consider in trying to build a world that is best for all. And so I'm drawn to put aside utilizing whichever method or psychological trick I have at my disposal to win the game at any cost, and then the game is no longer really relaxing or fun for me.

Investigate Desteni and especially the DIP Lite FREE online course w/Buddy where you learn to walk the mind in detail in the first step in taking responsibility for who and what you are in this world. From there, we can expand to implementing an Equal Money System that considers the inherent value in all life.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 57- Part 2- Two Dimensions of Spite

Self-Allocation Point
Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.

Dictionary Definition
noun
1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart

2. : an instance of spite

in spite of

: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by succeeded in spite of their opposition


verb
1. a: annoy, offend

b: to fill with spite

2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)




Sounding of the Word
spit- To spew toxins outwardly


Creative Writing
I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.

So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.

The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.

However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 57- Part 3- Self-Interest/Self-Abuse

Today there were two moments where I saw something which I could have acted upon which was best for all. Unfortunately, I didn’t ‘trust’ the self-trust within me (remember, everything is in reverse), and continued doing the thing I knew wasn’t best for all. The thing about these moments is that it wasn’t pure self-interest which I was following, but actually a self-interested self-abusive point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by drinking the frappucino.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which inside me told me to not drink the frappucino, even though I knew it was best for all within the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I received a second chance in the form of leaving the frappucino in my truck, to instead grab the frappucino out of my truck and proceed to drink it, embodying Spite in all it’s eviL glory in that moment

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 57- Part 4- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as separate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as more than


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must take full responsibility for who I am in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand in equality with my world and my environment in every moment of breath, but to instead go into the mind in separation where I can define myself as special, different, more than, or less than another, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that the very person I am defining myself in relation to is: a part of me in oneness and equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the equality part of the oneness and equality reality, where I accept the oneness of existence and reality without considering the equality that must be cherished within each being existent in our shared reality, where it is the absolute manifestation of spite and hatred to consider myself as more valuable than another being, simply because I have defined myself as such within my mind, being, and body, not considering that: we have all been gifted life equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than within a self-definition of mental illness, where I secretly, within myself wanted to be more than others, but when I couldn't get my way, I descended into the depths of the darkness available within me, programming myself in despair, self-pity, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-abuse, manifesting myself as the very realization of less-than so I could hold another in spite

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 58- Hurry Up!

So a trigger point is when someone isn’t moving quickly enough for me. This stresses me out.

Waiting, Appointment, Schedule, Time




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, because of believing I am better than that person and because I am afraid of becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by the person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am better than the other person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that believing I am better than the other person implies I am in the mind, not here in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use believing I am better than the other person in my mind to justify becoming stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, instead of slowing down to be here, in physical reality, by breathing and coming back into my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person implies that I have been living out this fear reaction for a long time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished by another person if I allow them to affect me -instead of directing myself within common sense in every moment of breath

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 59- What Scrolling Social Media Says About the Nature of the Mind

You're sitting there on Instagram, scrolling through your feed. You know you shouldn't be doing it, but at this point you've been in lockdown for what seems like years and, really, what else is there to do?!?

You know what I'm talking about when you experience what seems like a continuous stream of highs and lows, seemingly unrelated to the content you're viewing. Why does it seem like sometimes when you are viewing things you actually like, you still go into a "down?" Why do you sometimes get a rush when you are looking at disturbing content, and then feel guilty about it later? Why can't you seem to just look at your content without the endless rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows?

The thing about the mind is that it is actually preprogrammed. When you are sitting looking at your feed, you are suppressing whatever normal emotions and feelings you'd experience throughout your day, searching for just a moment of calm in this crazy world. But have you noticed you can't just turn your mind off?

The programs of the mind continue operating in the background as you lounge on the couch with your phone. You open your feed and the image of a kitten resonates with a positive memory of kittens, and your mind's program is activated.

You keep scrolling.

While you have meticulously curated your feed at this point to present an unbroken stream of almost entirely positive, apparently uplifting images, including glamour shots of your friends doing cool stuff, you know it's coming: the inevitable valley after the peak of euphoria.

Why is it so hard to predict what will trigger this sudden relapse into negative feelings? Clearly, a well-taken picture of your stoked friend doing something envious should elicit positive feelings. Although, sometimes it's just the odd dark or realistic image that has snuck into your scrolling which triggers it, and that make's more sense. But it doesn't seem to really matter which image it is, the oscillation between high and low seems inevitable.

So, what's going on here?

As mentioned earlier, the nature and structure of your mind is preprogrammed and those programs are based in polarity. In order to continuously generate energy (the mind, like a computer, requires energy to keep operating it's programs), the mind needs to swing back and forth between positive and negative. This program operates regardless of what is going on in your environment

What's more, it can utilize positive or negative images/experiences to trigger the next stage of the program- it doesn't matter if you are already in a positive or negative experience.

For more information on how the mind operates and how to break out of the cycle of constantly cycling between positive and negative, positive and negative, investigate Desteni.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 60- The Perfect Job- Does it Exist?

I don’t know what type of job I want. I can see that it is perhaps more important so simply place myself in the system, because the likelihood of landing a job that fits into my fantasy of being perfectly melded with my process and goals seems unlikely. Even landing the type of job I want seems unlikely— what’s more important is to place myself in the system in a financially stable position, knowing I will be able to apply myself within my process in whichever position I find myself actually being hired for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate thoughts and feelings about landing the perfect job, only to become upset when the littlest thing derails my path

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can navigate the entire system perfectly, without making one single tiny misstep, in such a way as perfectly matches the vision I created within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s more a matter of practically placing myself in the system with the goal of achieving financial independence, a process which guarantees nothing and is rather dependent upon the actions of external characters who determine whether I am hired or fired, regardless of the energy I have applied towards my idea of the position, and the polarities I have assigned the words that describe the position

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not humble myself before the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that thinking I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth implies that I believe the system values me as an individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my belief that the system values me as an individual, think and believe that it then thus owes me a position to my liking such as I am capable of envisioning ahead of time, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must physically walk myself into places of employment and ask for a job without the security and stability that I imagine within my mind of it matching my wants, needs, and desires perfectly to a t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus want to control the employment situation ahead of time by generating a certain energy frequency based on my imaginings of ‘the perfect job’ and allowing and accepting myself to become upset when the world out-there doesn’t match up with that generated energy frequency I have created, leading me to think thoughts about wanting to give up even looking for a job and spending days and days cycling in this cycle of generating imaginings and fantasies related to a ‘job’, going about my errands and experiencing a lack of support for that particular energetic frequency, and then giving up searching for a job entirely

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am generating positive energy in my mind around an image of a perfect job I would like to have, concurrently there exists negative energy related to ‘what I don’t want from a job’ that I am trying to avoid and so,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to avoid certain scenarios as jobs/hiring processes/situations instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that, similar to the positive energy-experiences I ‘crave’, such scenarios/instances/hypothetical situations = don’t exist

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the giving up/not wanting to look for a job component is based on imagery/energies and so similarly not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such negative energetic experiences as imagined scenarios cannot and will not exist and therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the generated negative emotional charges related to those thoughts/ideas/fantasies as justification to not look for a job/just give up looking while the clock keeps on ticking for me to establish financial stability within/as the system

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