Tyler's Journey to Life

Place your Blogs Here
User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 363
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Day 61- Coming to Terms with Narcissistic Abuse

Coming to terms with the fact that my life is ruined because of my choice to interact with a narcissist and buy into her insinuations that she is there to help me. It is easy to blame this person for wasting my life, but I participated with/as her in the ways I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moments of change during times of conflict because I fear the unknown and because I am not secure in who I am within the world system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing the unknown implies I cling to the known
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing the unknown to justify avoiding change in moments of conflict, instead of seizing moments of conflict as opportunities to change.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that not being secure in who I am within the world system implies that I haven’t created my change into placing myself as who I am within and as the world system, taking into consideration the principle of being in the world, but not of the world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system- instead of creating financial stability for myself step by step

User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 363
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Day 62- Fearing Sleeping

Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.

When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.

When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.

When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.

I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep

I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine

I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.

User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 363
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Day 64- In a Relationship with a Narcissist? Don't Be Like I Was

You know how they say you should go no contact if you realize you have a narcissist in your life? Well, I am a shining example of a reason why. Instead of reaching out to friends or other family members when I was in need, I went crawling back to the narcissist. It was a ‘comfortable’ relationship, which basically meant it was one of those relationships that society ‘tells’ you is sacrosanct. For me, that meant I didn’t have to deal with my issues as long as I could keep going back to this relationship. What I didn’t realize was that merely participating in this relationship WAS one of my issues. 


Self Love, Man, Mirror, Archetypes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship with a narcissist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that participating in a relationship with a narcissist implies I lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that lacking self-respect implies I have never created self-respect within and as who I am as a living word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone else should give me self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that believing someone else should give me self-respect implies that I am not the director of myself

When and as I see myself wanting to participate in a relationship with this narcissist, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there will be no closure when participating in a relationship with a narcissist and therefore there is no way this relationship can be best for all or best for me in any way.

When and as I see myself not direct myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that lacking self-direction implies I am waiting for someone or something to direct me, such as a substance to which I am addicted or an authority figure or fear or needing money and so I deny myself the gift of creating myself whenever I give my authority over to someone or something outside of me to direct me, but that there can be no closure within that relationship because I am not a narcissist and therefore I must take responsibility for who I am in every moment.

I commit myself to take responsibility for who I am in every moment

User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 363
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Day 66- Self-Forgiveness on Placing my Power in Another

Many moons ago, I fell in ‘love’ with a person who I believed granted me access to things I simply would not be able to discover without this person in my presence. It is true that I discovered possibilities I hadn’t thought of before I met this person. However, I came to put A on a pedestal because I had the belief that I wouldn’t be able to continue to access these unknown, apparently ‘extraordinary’ things without being around them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only access ‘extraordinary’ things when in the presence of A

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A is more-than others because I discovered these things about myself in his presence and therefore he must be imbued with ‘special’ powers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A has ‘special’ powers- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these things I accessed within myself are simply ‘Words’- words, which can be accessed and lived by anyone who has the vocabulary to access them

I forgive myself therefore for placing my power to access words outside of myself, in A, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have the power to access and live words within myself, if only I applied the process of redefining words into a form I can stand with/as into infinity and committing myself to live them

When and as I see myself place my power to live words outside of myself in an ‘other’ ‘out-there’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the power to live words lies within me, I am the arbiter of my destiny within redefining the words that constitute my participation in this reality and choosing to bring to life new words.

I commit myself to redefine and live words that are best for all

User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 363
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Day 67- Redefining and Living Apathy (A-Path-I-See)

Self-Allocation

For me, I can remember developing a certain sense of apathy in my childhood in relation to my younger brother. He would go to extreme ends in attempting to gain my attention and eventually I learned to ‘block him out,’ so to speak. This sense of carelessness became a bit of an energetic fix of more-thanness whenever he would be acting sporadically and I would sit there, calm, grounded, having already decided I was going to ignore him. The more he thrashed, the better I felt, as I knew my lack of reaction was only winding him up more. Another memory I have related to the word apathy is when I received a compliment in high school from a popular girl who implied I just didn’t seem to care about things. I agreed with her assessment and felt a positive energy when she said I didn’t care. Thus, I have come over time to charge this word, apathy, with positive energy. 



Dictionary Definition


1. lack of feeling or emotion : IMPASSIVENESS
// drug abuse leading to apathy and depression
2. lack of interest or concern: INDIFFERENCE
// political apathy

Sounding of the Word

A-path-I-see



Investigating the word

I have developed a positive polarity in association with the word apathy as I learned to express indifference to my little brother and my mother’s erratic behavior growing up. This continued into my school days as I often got in trouble for showing indifference to my teacher’s and my mother’s expectations of me. Once I started using drugs, I enjoyed the apathetic feeling I experienced while under their influence, as if the world and it’s problems didn’t matter. Eventually, I came to lack total interest or concern with anything except for drugs, as I saw the world as a hopeless place and had little interest in politics. This apathetic feeling I kept reaching for made me feel separate from the world around me, in a way that made me feel superior. Instead of learning to work with the system, I just rejected it, justifying my apathy with self-righteousness.

It’s interesting that the dictionary definition gave an example of drug abuse leading to apathy and depression, as that’s exactly what happened to me. I chased that feeling of apathy as separation and more-thanness in relation to the world around me, a feeling that drugs helped me to achieve. However, the combination of the drug abuse and re-charging the emotional experience of apathy over and over again led to depression, which to me is basically the experience of inescapable apathy. While getting high and feeling separate from the world and my own problems was originally a choice I made, once I became depressed, I was basically at the throes of my own negative emotions. Apathy came to me without choice, even when I wanted to do things that I enjoyed. Thus, by positively valuing apathy, I eventually created like this giant inescapable experience of apathy towards everyone and everything in this world. And I really got very deep into it! I ended up homeless, completely cut off from everyone in my past life, even my parents, just experiencing pain and indifference over and over again without even understanding how I had created this experience for myself nor how deeply embedded within it I truly was. 

Within the word ‘apathy’, I see the sounds ‘A path i see’. Even still, to this day, I tend to react to my problems or difficult experiences within apathy, where I even have caught myself at times saying ‘I just don’t care’ when faced with an uncomfortable experience. What I have really thought / decided within myself even previous to this statement, however, is “I can’t do this.” Within the sounds I see in the word, what if, instead of thinking ‘I can’t do this’, and then justifying/trying to soothe myself within the maelstrom of negative emotions/the actual, real problem still existing in my world within the statement as energetic experience of “I don’t care”, I stopped, took a breath, slowed my world/reality down for a moment, and said “A path I see”. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I can’t do this” when confronted with a difficult situation/problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then justify my reaction of “I can’t do this” with/within the energetic experience of “I don’t care about this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into the experience of blame for experiencing the difficult situation in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the positive experience of apathy is the other side of the coin of the negative experience of blame/jealousy that other’s are not apparently forced to experience the same plight to which I have been subject, and that these two energetic experiences compliment/balance out each other to create and maintain the entire energetic personality activation when a difficult situation causes me to have the thought “I can’t do this”. Further, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that this personality experience as the oscillation between positive feeling and negative emotional energy is designed to keep me trapped in energy / distract me from the actual issue at hand that I am not moving myself to effectively find solutions for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the entire energetic personality system is already activated as soon as I have the thought “I can’t do this” and by the time I notice that I am in positive feelings of apathy/negative feelings of blame/self-pity/comparison/blame = it is already too late. 

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the positive feeling of apathy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that apathy is the outflow of giving up, where I instead seek positive energetic fixes through distracting myself from the triggering issue/event that “I don’t care about”. I am not apathy, I am not an energy that keeps me distracted and limited in my reaction to a problem in my reality.

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the negative emotion of blame, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that blame is used to justify my apathy so that I can keep going back and forth between positive and negative energetic experiences in my mind, not seeking solutions and acting in reality to create solutions. I am not blame. I created the problems that caused this Particular Mind Construct to activate, I am response-ABLE to fix them.

User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 363
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Day 68- Why is Nobody Helping Me?

A thought came up the other day that ‘I am not getting the feedback I need/deserve from other Destonians’. I have been participating on the forum for 9 years. When I first started, it was a lot more active than it is these days, where it is mostly just a few of us posting our Journey to Life blogs. I’ve thought ‘this is supposed to be a platform of support, why is nobody giving me feedback on my writings?” 

Within this is a stance of passivity, where I expect another to do something for me. Yes, there is a general expectation that the platform is there for people to interact and give feedback/support to others, but nobody is being paid to participate there and in no way is there an obligation for this feedback to occur. Thus, my entitlement to receiving feedback is misplaced. 

And, when I really look at it, I haven’t given much feedback to others on the forum. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not getting the feedback I deserve on the Desteni forum.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I deserve feedback on the Desteni forum when and how I want it- instead of considering that forum members are real people with their own lives who may have any number of reasons for not wanting/being able to provide feedback to me



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am entitled to feedback on the Desteni forum implies that I desire to receive feedback without explicitly asking for feedback, engendering an attitude of passivity where I expect to receive something for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask for feedback on the Desteni forum, instead of wondering and hoping and wishing to receive feedback on my posts, hiding behind the expectation that, because I read somewhere once that it is ‘supposed’ to be a platform of support, I should receive this support automatically without specifically asking for it if I have not received the support I want/need



When and as I see myself think ‘I am not getting the support I require on the Desteni forum’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am not entitled to receive anything in this life. If someone wants to give feedback, cool.



When and as I see myself believe I am entitled to receive feedback on the Desteni forum, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am capABLE of asking for feedback if I need it.

When and as I see myself go into fear in relation to asking for feedback on a certain topic/issue I am struggling with, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that communication is important in getting the specific help I need, otherwise, how can anyone know what I require?



I commit myself to ask for feedback if I need it



User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 363
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Day 69- Do You Have ANXIETY?

Did that title make you anxious?

Today I had a silly experience with anxiety. I was trimming my nails and something I do quite often is trim them too short. Well, I was about to clip a toenail and a thought came up, "You should be careful not to trim that too short." Another: "You should use the smaller fingernail clipper so you don't cut it too short." I stopped the thoughts, and continued to trim the nail, making sure I didn't cut it too short. But, afterwards, I had lingering anxiety about the situation- "what if I had cut the toenail too short?". There was no pain, but even if I had cut it too short, there was nothing I could do about it at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I am anxious

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being anxious.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be not anxious

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that I am anxious about something that ‘could have happened’- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the thing didn’t happen, and even if it did, there is nothing I can do about it at this time

When and as I see myself become anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that being anxious is an emotional reaction about something that either didn’t happen, happened but I cannot do anything about it, or happened and I am suppressing the solution of the problem within me and therefore must take ACTION to fix. I am not anxiety. I can act to create solutions.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger at my being anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that reacting to my anxiousness is an indication I am in my mind.

When and as I see myself fear my anxiousness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that anxiousness is not real; it is of and in my mind, and I can stop it within a breath. 

When and as I see myself desire to not be anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that stopping anxiousness requires breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself within a moment. 

I commit myself to stop anxiety through breathing.

I commit myself to realize that anxiety is not a solution, but to investigate whether the problem actually exists (lol), and if it does, if there is anything I can practically do about it. Otherwise, I commit myself to STOP anxiety in a single moment of breath.

I commit myself to not become angry when I am experiencing anxiousness, but to stop, breathe, and ground myself in my physical reality, to stop the mind and remain here in awareness.

I commit myself to not fear anxiety.

I commit myself to not desire to not be anxious

I commit myself to investigate and stop all forms of anxiety in this world.

Thanks for reading

Post Reply

Return to “7 Years Journey to Life”