Tyler's Journey to Life

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Andrea Rossouw
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by Andrea Rossouw »

I can see your self-forgiveness statements are taking on an effective direction in learning how to open up points specificically and to the point - keep it up

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 18- Redefining Convention

In moments where I’ve had the opportunity to change my life, I have repeatedly seized upon the definition of convention within the context of the situation in which I’ve found myself as a justification for why I should not act. As in, after suppressing my self-expression, I’ve searched for an excuse based upon the suppressed expression not being culturally appropriate. Let’s open up my relationship to the idea of convention by first taking a look at the dictionary definition from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/convention:

con·ven·tion

noun \kən-ˈven(t)-shən\

: a large meeting of people who come to a place for usually several days to talk about their shared work or other interests or to make decisions as a group

: a custom or a way of acting or doing things that is widely accepted and followed

: a traditional or common style often used in literature, theater, or art to create a particular effect

What is striking about this definition is that it always involves groups of people making similar decisions. Don’t call past 10pm, the man always pays, avoid being direct. We’ve come to accept these customary ways of acting as just good practice- we live in society, we reason, so it makes sense that there be certain operating rules that everyone follows. As I mentioned, I have deferred to convention in situations which tested my comfort. It’s a good way to make sure you don’t get hurt.



However, if we take a look at the abuses of this world in your war, poverty, rape, and murder, can we say with any honesty that the widely accepted ways of acting have produced a world in which we’d all really like to live? In shielding ourselves from pain by acting within widely agreed upon sets of rules for conduct we have come to forget that many millions are not in such a position due to lack of access to basic necessities required for life. And while we may continue to hold onto our desire to live a happy, pain-free life, the reality is that eventually we will be called to confront the lack of access to the same for everyone.

Thus, convention from the perspective of repeating the patterns which perpetuate abuse, albiet in places not so easily visible to you and I in our world of comfort, proves not to be so wise after all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, after resisting change through suppressing myself, to justify my failure to change with the excuse that my action would have been unconventional.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that convention, as widely accepted ways of acting, has produced nothing of value in this world whatsoever but only perpetuated massive, inconceivable, widespread abuse and suffering- instead of allowing myself to redefine convention according to a new paradigm where eventually what will be widely accepted is many individuals acting within what’s best for to create measurable change that benefits everyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that conventional ways of thinking and acting have any value- instead of seeing and realizing I only sought to reference convention for my own self-interest within being accepted by the upper strata of society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek to reproduce conventional ways of thinking and acting within seeking the positive and so

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see and realize that I feared facing the negative within, a much more extensive aspect of my participation in this world which I- and us together- have collectively sought to hide/hide from through conventional agreed upon ways of acting in your entertainment, personality development, relationships, career building, competition and constant and continuous conflicts within and without, never daring to face self here, not to mention the inescapable reality of suffering experienced by millions in other parts of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disrupting another’s conventional ways of acting by asserting myself especially within the context of seeking an agreement partner- instead of seeing and realizing that I can be more effective within my process of change while at the same time giving the gift of change to another within bringing them into this process by entering into an agreement.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 19- Drugs, But No Sex: A Formula for Physical Self-Abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my physical integrity in relation to my mind, because I got high on drugs and avoided sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high on drugs.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself not realize getting high on drugs implies getting high on emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use getting high on drugs to justify compromising my physical integrity in relation to my mind- instead of following common sense here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to avoid sex.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that avoiding sex implies that I fear intimacy, both with myself, self-intimacy, and with another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use avoiding sex to justify compromising my physical integrity in relation to my mind- instead of committing myself to a sexual relationship.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that getting high on drugs and avoiding sex implies that I am addicted to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the mind, because of my belief I could use my mind to affect favorable outcomes for myself in the physical and my fear of facing the practical responsibilities of taking care of my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can use my mind to affect favorable outcomes for myself in the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself not realize that believing I can use my mind to affect favorable outcomes for myself in the physical implies I misinterpreted the ability for my fantasies and imaginings to manifest physically.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use believing my mind can affect favorable outcomes for myself in the physical to justify being addicted to the mind, instead of seeing and realizing that only physical-manifested expressions can affect physical-reality and that it’s extremely unlikely that my fantasies and imaginings will ever be manifested through such actions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the practical responsibilities of taking care of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that fearing facing the practical responsibilities of taking care of my physical body implies that I am overanalyzing self-care.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing facing the practical responsibilities of taking care of my physical body to justify being addicted to the mind- instead of aligning physical self-care with my living reality in a practical, common sense way.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 20- Compensating for Anti-Social Behavior

A prominent experience in my day was questioning within myself: should I get some coffee? I woke up feeling slightly under the weather and so this was a factor: is coffee too intense given my compromised position?



Then, I have been battling with stopping caffeine entirely for a number of reasons. I even have it written on a note taped to my door: STOP CAFFEINE. I remember reading somewhere in the Desteni material that it’s recommended to limit stimulants while in process. Also, I have heard and also read that caffeine accelerates the metabolism and this may be taxing on my system. Finally, in conjunction with Desteni interviews which have suggested to only consume what is required for the body and also to not spend money unnecessarily, I have been considering dropping coffee.

I have also noticed within myself that perhaps my dependency on cigarettes (which I’ve stopped) and coffee is related to avoiding socializing. Like, maybe, instead of seeking socializing as an activity, the avoidance of such I have suppressed, I get my endorphin rush from a cup of coffee. I am able to cope with missing out on socializing through the high I get from coffee (and previously cigarettes). Because socializing certainly creates a high within the body and perhaps I compensate for this by drinking coffee.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think about getting coffee instead of committing myself to a principled decision of no more drinking coffee.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that coffee can make me more productive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to complete my work should I not drink coffee.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for drinking coffee.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I was using coffee to compensate for not socializing, wherein I would suppress expressing myself in socializing and then compensate for the abuse to my body by ingesting coffee.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that wondering “who can I hang out with” and then not hanging out with anyone does not mean I have no one to hang out with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to A within the idea that I must hang out with A because if I don’t I will not have access to A and will not be able to stay up on the latest developments in A’s social circle.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life would be lame if I did not participate in A’s social circle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what would happen if I were not to hang out in A’s social circle and so, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dependent upon A’s social circle.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I placed A’s social circle above all other social situations and my desire to be accepted within A’s social circle implies that I desire to be more than other people and see inclusion in A’s social circle as my ticket to being more-than other people.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is important for me to be better than other people so I can act as an example of how not to be a sheep while at the same time benefiting from my superior social status as someone included in A’s social circle for longer than other people.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate everyone I meet into worshipping me as powerful.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that attempting to manipulate everyone I meet into worshipping me as powerful implies I fear losing my own power and fear myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use manipulating tactics to justify not building genuine relationships- instead of seeing and realizing that when I create relationships based upon the merit of equality, no one can take that away from me as it is the most powerful natural expression a being can have and will stand the test of time as an example for others of what is possible to express.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 21- Giving as I’d Like to Receive

Today I thought a lot about going out and hanging out with someone. I ended up not. But I thought about it a lot. I see this as a pattern in my reality: I think about socializing and then don’t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the feeling of anxiety to the thought of calling A.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the thought “I will fuck up if I hang out with A”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire for A to like and accept me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to anticipate conflict if I hang out with A.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt A’s willingness to hang out with me despite him indicating otherwise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being socially behind A because he hangs out with people a lot and I have tended to be antisocial.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being socially behind others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I wish to be seen in a favorable light by others, instead of allowing the conversation to flow where it will outside of my self-interested desire for acceptance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen unfavorably by others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish others saw me as better than A.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that viewing socializing as a competition indicates I don’t really care about those I would socialize with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being cared about and so I attempt to get people to worship/fear me, instead of treating those with whom I interact with the same care as I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that only in giving can I receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown as the consequences of entering into a situation of giving where I am no longer manipulating/controlling the situation to a desired outcome (however successfully), but instead trust life and trust in myself as life inasmuch as giving as I’d like to receive within what’s best for all is natural and if it ends up working against me, so be it, but at least I will have tried my best.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 22- Sadness in relation to my father

An emotion that I’ve experienced repeatedly in relation to my father is sadness. This sadness that I experience is connected to the thought that he has sacrificed himself for me and that that which he has lost in his sacrifice as the diminishment of his physical substance cannot be regained.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the emotional energy of sadness within my mind in relation to the thought “My father cannot regain that which he has lost in sacrifice to me.”- instead of allowing myself to realize and understand that my father cannot change his past actions and lingering in the experience of sadness for his ‘loss’ will not change the past and in fact hinders my ability to enjoy the present.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create the emotional energy of guilt within my mind connected to the idea that I could have done something to prevent my father from diminishing himself in sacrifice instead of seeing and realizing that it’s too late to change my past behavior towards my father.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 23- Fear of getting fired

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the energy of fear in relation to getting fired.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that the fear in relation to getting fired that I experience is attached to the memory I have of getting fired from one of my first jobs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach the emotional energy of incredulity to the memory of getting fired from one of my first jobs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how it is that I’ve held onto the memory of getting fired from the first job I earned a paycheck from and how that has influenced me within my confidence in getting and keeping jobs even now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the belief that I will get fired because I haven’t communicated well enough with my boss, leaders, or coworkers- instead of seeing and realizing that I can’t change how I’ve communicated with these people in the past nor can I control their actions should they move to fire me, but that I do still have an opportunity to communicate with them and whatever happens in terms of me getting fired is out of my control.

Marlen
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by Marlen »

Hi Tyler.

Cool for identifying that your emotional experience toward getting fired is stemming from previous experiences, which means this is how you taught yourself how to 'deal with' the situation.

However on the last self-forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the belief that I will get fired because I haven’t communicated well enough with my boss, leaders, or coworkers- instead of seeing and realizing that I can’t change how I’ve communicated with these people in the past nor can I control their actions should they move to fire me, but that I do still have an opportunity to communicate with them and whatever happens in terms of me getting fired is out of my control.
You certainly cannot change what has been done, but you certainly can change yourself, your communication toward others from here on. So within this point I rather suggest disclosing/describing/opening up the point further so that you can see for yourself why you got fired and what is it that you did or didn't do to get to your current outcome. We can't control another's actions, but we certainly can change who you are/how you develop yourself at work - any job for that matter - and what is it that led them to fire you based on your actions or inactions, so as to move from the experience attached to 'being fired' and instead focus on identifying what is it that you did/didn't do and so actually start writing practical corrective statements: how are you going to change those aspects of yourself in future jobs? How are you going to ensure that you communicate with your boss/people hiring you? or any other aspects that you can identify as the reasons why you lost your job.

So, this is also a reminder of the importance of self-corrective statements and commitments, because self-forgiveness in itself is a tool to identify your responsibility - but from there once you've identified 'the problem' and forgiven yourself for that, there's a new-direction that you require to give yourself, so that's an important part of this process here, to make it practical and applicable as a solution after you've walked through identifying the problems.


Thanks for sharing

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Hey Marlen,

Thanks for the feedback. I didn't see your post until I'd already written today's blog post.

For now, I'll just post the blog I've already written:

Day 24- Forgetting my boss’ name

Today while speaking with my father he asked me the name of my boss and I couldn’t remember at first. While the name eventually came to me, I went into a reaction of embarrassment that I couldn't remember my boss’ name.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the energy of embarrassment in relation to forgetting my boss’ name.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment panic because I judged myself for not being able to recall my boss’ name- instead of seeing and realizing that I was making more of the situation than necessary as I simply didn’t remember my boss’ name in that moment- not a serious crime but merely a forgetting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect forgetting my boss’ name to a fear of getting fired because of a belief that I have not communicated properly with my boss, even to the point where I couldn’t recall his name in the conversation with my father.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reacting within a moment to not being able to do something appropriate to that moment, to stop and breathe. I see and realize that my inability to perform within a moment is a manifested consequence of my past participation and so: just is what it is. I commit myself to bring myself back to the present moment and participate appropriately.

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 25- Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrections for getting fired

In a previous blog-post (Day 23- Fear of getting fired) I made the realization that my fear of getting fired is connected to my past experiences of getting fired. As suggested on the forum, I am going to open up the past in relation to getting fired to identify the reasons for getting fired. I will apply self-forgiveness on that which led me to get fired. Finally, I will write self-commitment statements within scripting a new me in relation to those points to ensure that I no longer repeat the behavior that led me to getting fired. In so doing, I will remove the root of the paranoid thoughts I have toward getting fired from my present job (and jobs for which I haven’t yet applied).

The first time I was fired was from my first “real” job (real in the sense that I got an actual paycheck). I was a waiter at a restaurant. I was rather young at the time of my firing and, not to use my age as an excuse, but I was not consistently on time for the job. There was also the issue where I would steal a little soup and bread to snack on while I was working. Then, of course, were the procedural mistakes such as not getting the timing right on placing orders to the kitchen so they would be “plated” and ready for delivery to customers in an appropriate time span.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the practical measures necessary to get myself to work on time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to steal snacks while working.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take care to ensure the tasks I was required to perform at work in terms of taking orders, placing them to the kitchen, refilling waters/bread, fetching beverages, preparing soups and salads, etc. were done in such a way as to ensure the customer received good service.


Self-Corrections:

When and as I see myself making excuses as to why I cannot prepare myself to ensure I arrive to work on time, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize that it is possible to take the measures necessary to get myself to work on time and so I commit myself to always get myself to my place of work on time.

When and as I see myself tempted to step outside the bounds of procedure at work, perhaps justifying the devious thoughts with “others do it” or “I don’t care about this job, anyway”, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to apply myself fully during prescribed working times.

I commit myself to be always prepared to perform my job as required.

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