Carlton's Journey To Life

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rspective/

Day 903: I Got Your Back (Perspective)

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but a soft spot for those that self-placed in a soft spot, and when it came to fighting, I was taught I alt not, so stepped into situations to be the equalizer of things. It’s the savior complex that complexes a situation, when taking on things that’s not my own, the wanting to be seen in the good grace of others, that may end in a precarious placement of self, when placing oneself in the line of fire, because of letting the minds heart direct me to do so, not realizing I may have misjudged the person in situation, incorrectly before correcting my own vision to see clearly.

Where “Oh dear” is the regret we say internally, like once again I’ve allowed myself to be duped, dubiously confused how this could have happened, while knowing good and well how I’ve been there before, like what is the starting point of “I got your back”, is it the one hand washes the other out of self-interest, that shows how we pay more attention to a single human being, instead of life as a whole as one living being, and organization of organisms all from the same origin, that found ourselves with different forms of expressions, that makes connections and then break the connections that we make, instead of correcting the acceptance we’ve allowed to go on.

I mean I can’t run away from the self I’ve created, or erase a situation and start over again, no matter how much you curse back to the back of a person, won’t change the situation I’ve placed myself in, that for the most part if impartial is easily correctable, when one stop trying to be so emboldened towards another, I mean to have someone’s back = questioning before accepting, not by way of testing to see if the one in question reacts.

In fact it’s often missed the redefining of a friendship, away from I got your back, do you got mine, to bringing things back to self and so will I, the addition of 1+1 = 2 = addition insight, instead of infighting in principle of what’s best for me and you, we all can actually do in the physical what’s best for all, it’s a miracle that every human on earth is still here, that’s been given a chance to correct ourselves here on earth, and because of blame being the illusion of elevating to Nowhere, we fail to realize that we’re always Now-Here, where only after we were born did we take on the learning of fear, that shows in a way how we can unlearn what we’ve learned, so when unlearning to learn how I really got your back, one would fine that back having is more than just sharing possessions, more than just giving and accepting things as a form of physical blessing, but a duel directing that takes patience to walk through such points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask the right questions before telling others I got your back, but assumed in responsibility, if I stand up for you, you’ll do the same for me, that was wrapped in self-interest with a soft spot for those that self-placed in precarious positions, not realizing the precarious position I was placing myself in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show friendship and accept it, but with underlying expectations, not knowing when exactly would I be able to reciprocate the point of saving, as every time you expect things to turn out they tend not to do so, so in turn make it seem as if I put my foot in my mouth, I mean it’s self-honesty as intentions to make sure I got my back first, before taking on such a back have of giving back in due time, meaning I will not forget and stand to correct me in timely fashion, as a pattern can only last so long when moving through the corrections.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how taking things back to self is the ultimate in having one’s back, where because I’m not prone to react, I’m able to see clear a mirrored image, then take that image and correct my past in shadow that’s within it, and in doing so what I sow stands to benefit my self-reaping, through considering all things as a gift showing my own self-acceptances, so the lesson within it all is to have my own back first, before back grabbing - that’s back stabbing my own self-in the back, meaning to make sure what I take on is not overwhelming to my well-being, but equally fulfilling to each as what we both stand for, because Life is a work in progress.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

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https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rspective/

Day 904: Question Everything (Perspective)

In consideration of the state we find ourselves in, we rarely ask questions let alone question ourselves, before acting on, moving onto/towards doing things, or saying things that may have an avid effect on our reality, individually where comfortability soothes our self-interest, until hindsight lights up the regret we feel, before pulling up blame to dish out to the world, that it’s your fault for the way thing are in my life, never investigating or introspecting our fault in the matter, simply because we haven’t questioned ourselves first, but in doing so could change the way we view ourselves, from being lackadaisical to fostering a responsiveness within and towards self.

It starts with the little things, like being aware of how we walk, then how we respond to what someone is saying, the tonality we use when getting excited about something, or expecting someone to feel sorry for us, now the questions would be, why do I walk this way when walking this way may hurt my feet, then why am I reacting to what this person is saying, when what that person is saying doesn’t really relates to me, and why do I always raise my voice when I’m excited, being that afterwards I feel exhausted from the energy I’ve exerted, and why do I expect and take comfort in someone feeling sorry for me, I mean am I really such a sorrowful human being, or am I missing the obvious that I create my own reality, to so realizing I’m projecting my own creation upon humanity, that feeds back to me my own disillusion of self, that’s confusing when attempting to get to the bottom of things.

As a whole we blindly walk down the hill of compliance, just to hang on to the illusion of freedom we think we have, but when we were asleep ingrained in Movies, Sports, and Sexuality, our freedoms were slipped away from us, from right beneath our feet, and before we knew it, we found ourselves trapped in a box, muzzled within our homes we call our Sanctuaries, or Mantuaries distracted by the Next Flix show, hoping that when we come up for air things would have changed.

For me it’s like, how many times have I really questioned my own reality, meaning the real things I experience during my day to day, from my internal reactions to the rush of things and in between my lack of focus on the simple things I do, I mean, could be that I’ve placed something over here to be picked up later, then find it over there after 15 minutes of looking for it, where after it’s found we tend to just leave it at that, instead of questioning “Where was I” during this entire time, that could have saved me 15 minutes of being comfortable when I move, but now I have to hurry up and get to where I’m going, then get there and find myself playing catchup to walk with, when if I would have questioned my walk would have stayed right alongside.

Question everything should be an inquisitive way of looking, meaning I really want to understand the nature of my ways, by way of paying attention to my habits/ways and behaviors, where if I behave habitually in ways that’s detrimental, I consider I am responsible for the experience of me, then do something about it instead of just letting it be, because it’s easy to just wait and wait and wait and wait, and wait, and then when something comes up it’s a bit too late, being that all the waiting I did only serve to set me back further, so why haven’t I asked myself why do I customize setbacks, and how do I step back up to moving forward in my process, to be on track with reaching my utmost potential in due time.

It’s a fact that in today’s society you need to do more than just one thing, as the dollar is constantly depreciating and so is our well-being, even the fit nowadays are having a hard time surviving, but physical fitness alone doesn’t determine how long we stay alive, I mean what may seem complicated is only complicated for not trying, so “From Here No Further” will I continue to live a lie, that’s depicted as vulnerability when making a commitment to stand by, as I can only see within MYSELF my own demise.

So, to look at what questions, haven’t you asked yourself to question everything, that would jog one’s awareness about how we experience ourselves, before perpetuating the lessor versions of me onto others in my world, because as for in this moment is a realization for me to step into and live by. See you on the other side of the ever so changing me.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

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https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... movements/

Day 905: Moods Defining Movements

A well sought out routine, if supportive to one’s well-being (meaning it keeps you in the present), works perfectly as long as one is present, but when our mood swings, births a peculiar thing, that our presence has changed to thinking I need energy to be here, while knowing it’s a game we play with ourselves, we let these moods define our movement, where if I’m sad or unhappy the world has to stop and wait for me to become happy go lucky again. It’s a muck we run under the guise of belief, that I need to be in a better mood to move myself, so search for energy fixes like reefer/ chicken and beer, (hypothetically speaking) to fill in the holes that’s left from being in a bad mood.

As an excuse we use, I’m tired or frustrated to get others to give us some of the energy they have, and if they refuse we change their mood, by creating conflict to feed off of the negative energy from within it, it’s the transfer of power that sabotages our relationships, the exchange of places from sad to aggressive, like in stealing their joy makes us feel better, until the energy runs out and so the other person, what’s missed is the unseen abuse being done, through losing touch with the reality of 1+1, where in exchange for our “1” we place in a thought, and talk ourselves into doing something regretful.

Even alone we’re disrespectful to the body we have, so when somebody else comes along we’re disrespectful towards them, that all consist of the mood we doom ourselves with, constantly allowing our move to be so moody, and then comes the frown which shows that I’m down, or a word of absurdity that shows how we’re perturbed, mostly at the idea of “How did I let this happen”, when just a moment ago we we’re in a good mood.

We commonly confuse our mood with strength, then move in an uncomfortably confusing way, directed by characters perpetuating an Ego, for others to look at to be on our good side, then statements arises like “You don’t want to mess with them”, when we’re just confused about the state we’re in, but soft hearted by nature it’s just a virus in the program, that just as easily can be erased or removed without going into a mood, depending on our natural form of expression if reached could look like one is in a mood, but more so a mode of cope with reality, as depicting from being of the world, to just being in it.

Turning on and off an engine time after time eventually make the engine depreciate, the same as going in and out of moods time after time, changes the way the body functions from flexible to disease, I mean it’s not easy to believe how we bring things upon ourselves, thinking it must be something underlying in the water, or “the gloom” outside that puts me in a bad mood, that should shine light on my own self-position placement, it feels like when you wake up and your arm is still asleep, and have to flop it all around to get the circulation flowing, in turn we flop ourselves around from point A to point B letting the mood we’re in dictate our move.

In the mean time while drowning in a pit depression, we put pressure up on our willingness to stand, and each time we do so we become feeble in the knees, to wheel chairing our life to taking a back seat, never considering the solution to action is self-movement, not a mood changing me to move myself, I mean it’s actually rude to the body to let a mood rule me, so how do I stand up from within this catastrophe, simply put -


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my moods define my movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in letting my moods define my movement, move in a lethargic way when feeling down and out, and when happy and excited and want to play, exert too much energy that eventually drains me out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I need energy to move me, so only move in the direction where I think the most energy is, to getting there and realizing it’s just an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how energy only dooms me to staying within this illusion, the doom of a gloomy mood that causes confusion, and feeds off of the physical substance that makes up my body, to sloppily acting dysfunctional from interrupting the functions of my body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize how being moody, disrupts relationship and make others in our worlds not want to be around us, where as a collective we look for the power trip of things, telling others if you love me, you shouldn’t mind my mood swings, but oh what a dangerous thing it is, to think we can control others through our moods, and when it doesn’t work, we go into conflict, vamping off the energy we get from within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how being in a good or bad mood deters my focus from being in the moment, to sitting and moving around in the confines of the mind, that takes me away from living a stable moment here, to using a mood to escape back into a there moment of comfortability.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to prove to myself emphatically in every moment, how I can remain stable in any situation without going into any moods - that moods are that which contorts my well-being, into making it hard for me to breathe and be here. And I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how being here, stable, take less energy than being in a mood, being that moods extorts the body into giving up its natural energy, that may force one into looking for some kind of energy fix.


I mean it’s interesting how somehow, we’ll do just about anything to escape our reality, in the moment when things are not working out, but when moving ourselves into doing something that doesn’t work out, doesn’t mean a mood reaction is the best solution, where breath is proven to stop moods in its tracks, to see where I lack taking responsibility for something, and most of the time it’s something little that I missed, that doesn’t take a mood change for me to get back on track, so the process for me is to stay focus on the moves I make, understanding that when I moving slow will reduce the number of the mistakes I face, that way I don’t forsake Self and go into a mood, but remain in a creative mode of true self-expression.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

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https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... nge-in-me/

Day 906: The Ever so Changing Me/Change in Me

Change is not achieved though prayer, i.e. asking God/Jesus for forgiveness and expecting to be changed, it’s a walking breathing actionable day to day living process, one which takes consistency and patience, it’s not defined by time, although it takes time, it’s not a belief/feeling or faith, it’s a constant participation between Self and the experiences we go through, rooted in self-intimacy, self-honesty and integrity, shown to one through awareness, meaning if you notice more of yourself (reactions/thoughts/patterns) and it doesn’t sit well with you, most likely you are changing, Now with that said,

Interesting how the reality of change has changed from being about Self to counting pennies (So to speak), where what you hear most in an impoverished society is “Do you have change”, canceled by a societal system who would slowly cancel everyone if given the opportunity which is indicative of how we’re living, changeless, comfortably senseless, clueless to what self has to offer, or better yet what self-change really is, that houses the past and what we will or will not accept and allow any longer in our lives, (opposite of money), and sticking with it – that has sabotaged our relationships with each other, unable to relate to the simple commonalities we have as human-being and so life as a whole.

We follow the illusion of change that’s depicted by the new clothes we buy, the money we get/have/earn and/or the people we meet, attract to/towards us for our own individual self-comfort, or the intake of knowledge and information we receive from what we see/hear or read, through Tabloids, the News cycles, Social Media and/or the Gospel, informing ourselves through a Mind Signal (Thought), that something must be different about me, because I now have new things, or I now have more money, or I know more than I used to, so I must be changed, leaving no room for seeing our own innate abilities, our natural capabilities in which each one has different, but nothing has changed except the amount of time we choose to put into the things we do, that suits our self-interest and causes a good feeling, that we show in character to those in our individual worlds/reality and beyond.

I used to think that change came by thinking/telling myself I’m changed, or asking another the question “what do you see different about me”, but if visible it will be seen by those who knows you well, well enough to say “you’re different, I don’t like the new you,” in so many words what happened to the person I used to know, and that’s when you know ok I must be really changing me, but careful not to get the big head or end up falling back, into a character of change, a presentation of myself towards others that I know deep down, I’m not living.

I mean don’t get me wrong everyone (no matter who it is) wants to experience change in one way or another, where the inevitability thereof states, that our physical appearance/features and perspectives on things shift as we get older and experience things, but for most of us, the innocence that once was has turned into ignorance is bliss and complacency, as we would patiently await a life time for the world to change, instead of changing how we participate in the world we live in, to only accepting and allowing what’s best for all, for We the People and for all Life as a whole, Equally, without secretly wishing Apocalypse on the masses.

Another aspect; Interesting how when you grow up and leave home and stay gone for a while, when you come back you want the whole family to see how you’ve changed, so act a different way, walk and talk a different way, and if you have money you might just pull it off, but the only thing you’re really pulling off is the mastery of character change, then after over extending yourself, and go back to where you came, you feel somewhat ashamed that wasn’t the real you, because the real you would have shown the responsible you, the responsible me, boy if I would have known, but if I would have known, would I have went through anything, that’s why it takes a lesson to become who you need to be, and that who you need to be is who you really are, that can go unseen for a lifetime for most, thinking I’m chosen for a reason without knowing what for, where in religion they say you’re now in the Army of the lord, but if killing is one of the seven things that God really hates, why separate ourselves from humbly considering another Being = Still, No self-change.

Point of realization is that change is not based off of Knowledge and information or how well one can talk/write/walk or act, because it’s all an act from Actors who only act to get ahead, with no patience to deconstruct who I was beforehand, lodged in belief/habits/bad ways and behaviors, that makes up the preprogramming we choose to exist as, meaning the more we accept these acts as who we are, the harder it is for us to really start changing, that happened to me until I ended up losing everything, codifying the statement “things must happen for one to wake up”, then woke up and had enough of suppressing the pain, so became inspired to find the answer to, “What am I really doing Here?.

Simply put if you want things to happen (change), you have to get out of your mind and move you, and me, me, that requires the moves of me to be starkly different from showcasing “Change” in character I’ve perpetuated plenty time in my past, because I didn’t want to move myself inward to investigate my reactions/thoughts and patterns, that only left my relationships with other in my world in shambles, the same, no change, complacent and bound to eventually fail, because I wasn’t living what I presented myself as (changed), but an informed ideologue on things that didn’t matter, and used these things that didn’t matter to up my status, where at the end of the day the life I lived was evidently meaningless, at which point I knew I needed to change who I had become, and that’s when I found Desteni and the tools of self-correction, and now walking the process of ever so changing me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate change through a presentation, instead of living change as an expression of the work I’ve put in on correcting my patterns/habits and behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look, long for change, without actionably walking into it.

I forgive myself that haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, that the knowing I’m changed doesn’t happen when I think or say so, but will come in time from those who know us the best, from whence we’ve came to who we are now, that may say, “You’ve changed”, that has happened to me before, but got the big head and fail back into the character of change, instead of using this as a cross-reference to keep standing and walking process, reactionless as if I’m alone and self-honestly walking my process, that way what they see in me will last a lifetime and not fade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my change fade away from self-change as an expression of who I am, back into character change, instead of being consistent with maintaining my commitments of changing from character change to self-change, that’s all in the commitments.


So what it all boils down to for me is sticking to my commitments, to stop going from one character change to the next character change, but be persistent in learning /practicing living self-change as who I really am, meaning if I’m aware of what comes up within and as me/move forward and into the correction thereof, then the idea of thinking I’m changing won’t slip me back into character change, because the expression of self-change will be magnified in my day to day living, once again, shown through my interactions and participation with those in my world.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

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https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... th-denial/

Day 907: My Relationship with Denial

I’ve become a dignified suppressor, as all in a way, never wanting to admit what others may see in me, point out/ask “Is this so”, let alone to ourselves, our own flaws and mistakes, because that would show a sign of weakness, and so we think that weakness is a plague sent by the devil, never realizing the devil inside is in the thoughts we think, and act out in ways that others may see, so when pointed out we deny the complicity we are, which is really denying the other person their point of realization, and because of being too proud of our own damned Ego, we let go of the opportunity to stand up and support self, that in turn would support the relationships we have with others in our worlds.

It’s a mechanism that protects our presentation of self, that stops us from evolving out of this primitive mindset, and into expanding our understanding of relationships, because relationships are relative to everything that exist, and to deny what exist is to deny ourselves, self-diminishment through abdicating the responsibility of self, which states I have to face me when no one else is around, so why add onto points I already have to face.

And this is where Self-Honesty comes into play, where obviously if what you say could cause harm to another, (That “DIDNT” harm another in the mistake they’ve made), it may not be one’s place to let Honesty supersede (Say anything), because it can be taken and used against them for devious deeds, in which case shared consequences could soon follow, that’s why one should be careful of the things we say, that’s not to be used as an excuse to deny everything, because most of the things we deny, (If faced), could change our life from being a disgrace.

In many ways living in denial is a catastrophe waiting to happen, like denying not seeing a screen door when running into it or through it, then looking for sympathy that you might just get, but not for the unawareness in moments of letting the energy of excitement overtake us, or in some cases conflict that drives us into the dirt, and although it may hurt next time we know better, that’s the same as denying responsibility for what we think, because believe it or not what we think have manifested into what we experience today, but how would one know that if we’re in denial of everything, blaming our participation in the world on those we put in power, and now that a lot have awaken to the design of being asleep, we deny that it’s our fault for letting things happen the way they have.

If you can admit to yourself your own faults and correct them, one shouldn’t have to deny talking about a point one have walked through and corrected, but if one is still in denial it becomes a touchy subject, because of seeking the ideal of only “Showcasing” a better self, that’s not healthy because a lie always begets another lie, and in do time the truth will come out, that makes the correction thereof harder to overcome, because of speaking on things I haven’t walked through and corrected That’s why I don’t say s*** if I’m not clear on what’s being said, I’d rather read it ten times before injecting in my perception, that way if I’m questioned, only give perspective on what I’m living, and if it’s not what I’m living, submit to asking Self the question what I’m missing.

[Realization]: If you try and try again and you don’t succeed, why hang onto the idea that maybe it’s just not my day, especially when the next day comes and the same thing happens, at which point do you say; “Hey maybe I need to try something else”, it’s the denial that denies us from making advancements in our lives, I mean just because there is a potential for the results we seek, doesn’t mean it’s for me to keep on failing by chasing after a maybe, but to solidify my moves with something more practical.

Interesting how we only pay attention to the externalization of denial, in the sense of not wanting to get in trouble/denied a loan or a decent job, then get bent all out of shape because the system has no compassion, claiming to be treated unfairly because of skin color or prejudice, or a certain gender that one identifies themself as irrelevant, but we’re all human-beings and shouldn’t separate ourselves from another, accepting control by those in power who denies that they’re addicted, addicts to paper money, the paper dummies we all are, dumbfounded every time paper is waved in front of our face, we’ll even break a relationship over the money that we take, and forsake our right to life over the deals that we make, then deny our own participation in the destruction of the human race, until it’s too late and there’s Nothing we can do about it.

In which case nothing has changed but the size of our Ego, not wanting to see that real change is possible without money, where if you lose all fear denial can’t stand alone, and with denial gone opens the door for changing me, for all my flaws, thought, patterns, ways and weaknesses, that way when my Ego surface I won’t deny seeing it, but move forward into correcting all the things I’ve denied, starting with myself with Self-Forgiveness to change my life.


Therefore; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the right to live life in abundance of/with what’s best for all, that’s all life in fact, by way of denying that I’m in denial that anything is/was wrong with me, wrong in a sense of not wanting to see how I’ve been suppressing the point of taking responsibility for what comes up within and as me, what I do in my reactions to my thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings, denying that I have the capability and capacity to change the experience of me at any given moment, that each of us do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in choosing not to take responsibility, have made living life complicated for myself, complicated in a sense of complying unwarranted stress, pressure and pain onto my physical body, with the idea that I’m unable to release myself from these constant thoughts of deniability and procrastination/ from the resistance to forward progress because I’m fine as is, but what “Is” is, is a mind f*** in denial of standing up, not realizing that I need to first equalize myself to my own experiences, then move into correcting the things I didn’t want to see, because to stop the procrastination is to stop the complication in me.


So, denial (For me) as it stands, is the easy route to dis-ease, so why would I want to feel uneasy about standing (so to speak), when all I have to do is to accept me as who I have become, in order to change me within and without to who I really am as life, without Denial unless the Denial is towards the resistance to change, in which case I can move forward into my own point of creation, and create my life as a living example of the corrections that I made, and live my days free from being plagued by self-induced doubt.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... e-past-go/

Day 908: Are you strong enough to let the Past Go

Context: (No Sympathy needed) A few months ago my computer bag, with computer in it, a few years of work on it, with a few accessories plus more was stolen from me out of my car, Ok, but the downtime allowed me to look at a few points and move onto/towards and through the correction thereof and this is what I realized. Enjoy!

[Idea] “I’m so comfortable looking back at myself and seeing how much I’ve changed”, then arranged a reaction to the next point that surface, where on purpose we’ll coerce ourselves into believing “I got this”, while missing the obvious of holding onto something is counter intuitive to our self-expansion, and as the re-occurring of points began to happen, we overlook just how much we’re still holding on to the past, creating our present as the presentation of change, which makes our presence an intolerable thing, which means, I’ve literally learned nothing of what the past may bring, when excusing suppressing past occurrences as testing out things, I mean, let the shit go before it calcifies within you or find oneself living a hard ridged life.

So, upon correction before the slingshot effect pulls us back in attachment to what has been, (excusing the reminder thereof), lose the thought of: I need these memories to remind me from whence I came, because every look back (that comes with an emotion or feeling), may or in some cases, will stop one from getting to where we’re going, into and through new relationships, with new things or beings, without creating shifts in the mind that ripples within/as and throughout our interactions with others, where spite becomes our knight and shining armor, as an excuse to abuse ourselves through abusing others, unable to break loose from circumstances of our past, to be free at last from what we can’t seem to let go of, or let alone want to in some cases.

It could be a bit disparaging when realizing the past can’t be changed, in the sense of things being lost or stolen as it seems, (let me explain), that’s impossible to let go of, as the reaction to loss could go on for days, while waiting for the next energy spurt to take me away, where recognizing my fault and mistakes are overshadowed by conspiracy, that I need to get even with whomever did this to me, but blame is but a By-Lateral Anger Management Issue, meaning it’s me projecting my anger onto those around me, making it hard for those around me to be around me in any way, because in the moment of realizing what happened, earthquakes my mind state, into a possession of vindication for everything that I lost, and every minute that goes by I realize the more that I lost, I mean at what cost that what I was doing was more valuable than what I had = the consequences of being unaware to take care of what you have, like my computer that was being used to document my Journey to Life, that I had a chance to save but let the opportunity slip by, “Oh how did I let myself become bind by the mind, in a moment I should’ve realized, wrong place, wrong time”, but didn’t put it away in a safe enough place, but in the open in the back seat of my car, boy what a disgrace.

The saying “You shouldn’t cry over spilled milk” is a perpetuated action of milking the energy out of a moment, instead of stabilizing oneself the moment after the milk is spilt, we beat ourselves up over it for as long as we can, before standing up and realizing I could have stopped this, then using it as a sign to wake the fuck up, to things not having to go the way we make them, out to be when being out to lunch in the mind, you’ll see just how pitiful we’ll pity our own mistakes, where it’s disparaging the ultimate letdown I pressed down upon self, by letting the very thing my life was being scripted on get stolen, but for what it’s worth all the words that I wrote is ingrained within me, so clearly it’s a sign to let go of the past and move on, because without this lesson I would be still holding on to the past, instead of passing on the correction as a living example of what I’ve corrected, that would show how every Self is able to correct oneself.

[Realization] There is No thing I can do about the things that I lost, but build a better relationship with the things that I have, especially the people in our lives that will always be there, so the obvious is to correct the relationship I have/had with them, and upon correction, no need to revisit what has been, being that we left nothing lingering that hasn’t been corrected, that way I’m making space within me to advance my potential, simply put, because there’s too much present to be lived to still be flirting with the past.


So with all that said; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flirt with my past, coercing myself into believing I need to hold on to it, so hold on to the scripting of the points that I’ve walked, that in a way kept me connected and attached to my past, in a sense of thinking I need to constantly look at them as a reminder from whence I came, not realizing that every look back that’s attached to an emotion or feeling, limits me from clearing a straight path into and substantial future, which lasses the future I created with remnants of my past, making the present I lived a constant walk down memory lane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let these memory lane walks accumulate to the point of life having to throwing me a bone, in assist to let things go but didn’t do so, so when I didn’t do it, in having a look back, I sidelined my awareness and let my guard down, allowing my present focus to be distracted by self-interest – that instead of putting my computer in the trunk, I left it in plain sight, and that’s all it took for me to experience another lesson by Life, and now for me it’s back to writing again, to script the next phase of my life, so let's begin. More to come!

Thanks for Reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rspective/

Day 909: A Repentance Perspective

Private correction means to correct yourself in private, then share the lesson you learned from the corrections you’ve made = why self-shame yourself when the masses don’t forgive, but gossip in blame for not taking self-responsibility, where somehow we think we’ll be vindicated if we just share all, that comes from the religious programming of repenting all your sins, which doesn’t make sense if Jesus died for your sins, which make repenting a point of giving away all your power, in fear hoping to clear up the mess that we’ve made, thinking it will be ok if I share what I did first, as if to cut out the phase of processing what we actually did, before seeing the best correction for the mishaps we had.

I mean the mind have ways of eluding with short cuts, but the only one that ends up with the “short end of the stick” is us, out there in the open restless with our hands up, waiting for another human to pick us back up, while the rest will only have something to say when you fall, that gives them energy to want to tell all, all that you’ve told them but in their point of view, as if they have a solution for you, but won’t tell you, it’s trivial the complexities we add on to our process, the carelessness we have when someone else fails, I’ve seen the same play out and it never really change, one man repents while another seeks fame.

It’s the strangest thing, crying in repent of the same old pattern - that’s the repeat of the same pattern then crying for not correcting it, where some thinks the correction “Is” just crying up to the Heavens, as a repentance but only when embarrassment takes a hold of you, or taking it one step further thinking others should repent to me, and so bash them into submission until someone takes the bait, not realizing we’re only bashing in our own sense of stability, slipping back into the knowledge is king point, taking the knowledge we’ve learned from the process we’re walking, and use it as a weapon to validate what we’re experiencing, the state of mind we’re in thinking the world must owe me, when all we’re really looking for is someone to hold me.

It’s a bold misconception assuming to know the minds of others, it smothers the consideration we once had towards them, where just because our process shape, shift and transforms, doesn’t means we’re totally disconnected from Life’s process at hand, is it really that hard to give a helping hand “by saying nothing”, even when the projections towards you seems too hard to bear, rule #1, try not to share you’re discontent of another in public, or find oneself repenting in public to save face, where in the moment it seem great, but that greatness is short lived, when realizing I have to live in this same world with the disgraced, I mean what’s written in ink, there’s no way to erase, that’s why it’s better to take the space and time we need to recreate ourselves.


There is No one person really alone in this world, it’s the illusion of being alone for not wanting to reach out to others, where most of the time we think “People don’t understand me, or beneath my understanding” while standing under the weight of our minds, divine in our perception, while knowing the way to correct it, but waiting for the next person to verbal joust with my Ego, it’s the illusion of Freedom energy that feels too good to let go, that for most goes too far into a holier than thou Gu-rudeness.

Being that the solution to action is Self-movement, who are we to try moving another or think what we say will move another to action, or is it the comfort-ability of what we had with them in the past, that makes us want to bring them back to where we are, that’s long been a limitation for man not evolving, stuck only surrounded by nice and loving people, shielded from the conflict that lurks around the corner, so when conflict do arise we don’t know how to handle it, because we’ve spent our whole life running away from it, then make irrational decisions and feel the need to repent, although it may be rational (at times) to start a little conflict, but only if what one stirs is directed in common sense, meaning self-honesty being the key of surviving through consequence, is it nonsense to leave alone what doesn’t need to be fixed, especially when we haven’t fixed our own self first. Therefore the correction would be:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/perceive repenting in public is the key to correction, when it’s just self-shaming being that the masses don’t forgive, and won’t skip you a step from having to do correction alone, because alone is where our personal process comes to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that with what others face, is not my right to expose what’s been shared to me in private, where as a collective, we would rather give our point of view, instead of looking to see if the same point is in me, that way I attach myself to the gift of correcting my reactions, then pass on the silence of not saying a thing unless I’m asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the ether in the air I call God, the Universe, or some entity of Life, repenting for the fearful filling I feel in my stomach, thinking if I just cry and say please all will be well, I’ll be vindicated for what’s coming up in my solar plexus, but what’s coming up I’m bringing up within me, making it hard for me to rest unless I correct it, so it behooves me to take back my power through my corrections.


Therefore if you’re going to “repent” do it towards Self, to you, as the Life you are, in private away from prying eye that could care less about the restlessness one would go through, I mean for me, I’ve experienced from childhood the saying you better repent, and then once exposed I wished I didn’t, so Walk your Process for You Alone, then share if you will, the realizations of what you’ve learned so people like Me can learn from You.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ing-apart/

Day 910: The Illusion of Falling Apart

Pinch yourself, how does it feel? Weak skin but still put together and here, connected to a mind that has the capability to destroy the fabric of your existence, or so we think without critical thinking, that states, “If I can go into and out of these energy experiences (Emotion/Feeling) in a split second, I must be deluding myself into believing I have no control over the way I feel and/or experience myself”, that opens the door for eluding away from the fact that I’m not falling apart, but only thinking it.

That being said; they say you are what you eat, that can easily translate into experiencing (feeling) what we think, where in time hypotheticals become reality, because we’ve hyper-looped ourselves back in time to bring our past to the present, consisting of the ideas/perceptions/beliefs that nothing will ever work out for me, so when we reach a rough patch in our lives, we activate these old memories that collapse us back into that old depressive state we know oh so well.

Hence; “I’m falling apart”, but are we really? Where physically speaking, I may be still here with no scratches or marks (unless self-inflicted), but elsewhere in the mind connected to the worst memory of my past that I let come up seemingly out of nowhere and haunt me, you see (and I had to realize this for myself), I’ve always been physically here, but disconnected from my physical body (My “Self”), through the desensitization I’ve aloud to take place in my life, attached to any distraction that graced my presence, that would eventually cause me to brace for impact when there was a lesson to be learned, shoved down as a suppression, that casually began to overwhelm me in my daily life and living.

Never once realizing I was becoming unforgiving to Myself, in a sense giving up on oneself, unknowingly through the fear of what I was seeing in the News/Social Media and out in the streets, wondering without really questioning, “Why is all the News that I see so Bad and Negative”, hoping that someday there would be an all good News channel, that may not ever happen because Real Good News doesn’t stimulate our minds, until we change this, just like sex/conflict and gossip sales, mostly as a form of abuse, that uses the human-being as a test case subject to see how far one can be pushed to advance the narratives of the few. And so you have infighting, that spikes the incomprehension levels of the mind, in the attempt to get back to Normal, meaning complacency, the place where I can comfortably erase the troubles in my life and the world away, but only for a moment as it seems, because as soon as we return to our point of stimulation it starts all over again.

But in the meantime and in between time, we remove ourselves from people in our lives, groups we’ve associate with, thinking “I can do better on my own”, which turns out being = “I can do bad on my own”, with the idea that I have too many problems by myself to walk with others and their problems, (Mind you) that “I” also face, so in bringing it back to self, I for one have let things accumulate in my life to the point of thinking “I’m falling apart, which is “The” trap we often find ourselves in, resting in hopelessness and powerlessness until our next point of stimulation takes us away, out of it and into realizing “what have I done’, then “Prodigal Son” ourselves back into remembering from whence we’ve came to how far I’ve come, from who we were, to who I am now.

Clouded Judgment, is only a cloud over the word Judgment, one in the same as being judgmental without a cloud, judging others for their location in their process now, instead of firmly planting my feet in stability in my own process, where we shoulder others processes as our own, talking about them in our homes and on our phones, that we record in our minds and extract into the problems we face, then wonder why things are not going my way, it’s because our way is the highway to nowhere, that’s been proven when we’ve dropped “Our way” and started moving ourselves, meaning we can only plant a seed in ways that has worked for us, but without become emotionally attach and wanting to give up.

So in essence, the part we fall into is the divide between what we think and the reality of self, the reality that as long as I’m breathing is a breath towards changing my reality, through changing myself and so my reality, meaning just as somehow I know what I want to eat and when, shows my communication with self/with my physical body as the substance of self, so if I can think, then talk myself into believing I’m falling apart, I can also walk myself out of this experience of me = we have the ability to learn who we really are and our own capabilities, to pull ourselves back together again.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

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https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... nt-fix-em/

Day 911: You can’t Fix ‘em’

Artist and creators alike often times make things that can be restored, refurbished, parts replaced (if broken), or fixed if a repair is in order, that goes for most things manifested through materials, i.e. paper/wood/metals etc. but what’s interesting is how within the tiny space between our ears, we conjure up the idea that we will always be able to bend others to our will, to own and/or control them in the slightest of ways, then place them as partitions in division between us and the masses, those that goes against our narrative, that only seem to work out for the iconic self-interest of the narrators, and it’s rare if those of us that let this happen will ever wake up, because the distractions are too massive to ignore and stand up, so to keep our normal, normal, we formally date nonsense instead of common sense, that causes consequence from thinking we need to be fixed, and so invite suggestions from those placed in care positions when really there’s nothing going on but fear.

And because we accept this illusion of perceived fixedness, we also perpetuate it onto others in our worlds, thinking they’re just like us, but what’s really happening is, not wanting to be the only one deluded, in the belief that I am too powerless/helpless/hopeless to the words that someone else uses to control me, and in turn use this same methodology in projection onto/towards those we feel closest to in our lives, that could be the reason for most sibling rivalry and conflict within relationships in our individual worlds, and within this world as a whole.

But If we could only spare each other the details of what we think and contextualize incorrectly, about what others have said/done or face, that has nothing to do with us (per se), makes it easier to assimilate the truth about what’s really going on, in the world of things, but more importantly within us – that the truth of what others face, may not be for us to find out, unless told by them specifically, that may Not need our opinion, but a listening ear as a sounding board in figuring oneself out themselves. In simple words “You can’t fix em” (others), but only ourselves period, that goes hand in hand with the decisions we make from what we hear/see/say and assume, because, as-you-me only works when sharing realizations of what we’ve walked through specifically in relation to what others may be going through, and that’s it.

In-Vest-In-Me = Investigation is key. If we we’re to put all fears aside the divide would be minuscule, that’s minus the cruel intent of the humans mind, that separates each one in compartments of self-interest, categorized in friendships and associates, all for the cause of excitement, therefore if I’ve known you for a while and something happens, I’m going to be on your side until the energy dies out, then try and fix you according to my will, but when all else fails, I’ll delete you and ask others in my world to do the same, then face the same as those we’ve deleted in the past.

Not realizing how the slightest perpetuation of this, creates the Wars we see on a global level, i.e. bending others to our will and when they don’t conform = (Just delete them), but our fault for not equalizing ourselves to life or them, or better yet standing up for/equal to and one with All life, that doesn’t need fixing, We Do, I mean trying to play God and/or Savior without being in Service of Self (Our Own Self) first, only furthers the divide, just as sleeping incorrectly on a bed hurt ones neck/back/legs and spine, I mean we place ourselves in uncomfortable positions.

But getting back to self as process, caresses the selflessness we support others with, but only if tested on self-first, which makes selfishness a self-concern all about me, meaning I can only “Fix” myself and not others, where time and time again, we jump to the opportunity of perceived support when asked by someone; “What do you think about this/that or the other”?, then force feed our knowledge and information down their throats (what we think they should do), and because they’re in a vulnerable state, they’ll soak it up, believing you have their best interest in mind, guised beneath the words “I won’t steer you wrong, you know me”, and so continue living in blindness in separation of investigation to remain comfortably asleep.

Even at our peak/height of understanding, what we say to others may not be in the interest of their experience at the time, being that at the moment they may have a merry go round of ideas/ thoughts/ pictures/ images and old memories, clogging up the receptors in the brain that allows one to comprehend what’s being shared, therefore the “Get through” and “To”, is null in void - that each person in their own time will see what they’re meant to see/do or not, and not a moment sooner, so how is it if the equality equation is based off of treating others as you would like to be treated, we’re quick to throw others away and delete them?

And being that we haven’t experienced what they are experiencing at the moment (in detail), anything that we say to them will go in one ear and out the other, but this too shall pass. So the question is, how can one become fixed/fix oneself?

To be continued…

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

Day 912: How I Fixed Myself Pt. 2

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... self-pt-2/

In continuation of the previous Post:

And being that we haven’t experienced what they are experiencing at the moment (in detail), anything that we say to them will go in one ear and out the other, but this too shall pass. So the question is; how can one become fixed/fix oneself?

Stubborn and hardheadedness only reside in the eyes of the beholder, the assumers consumed with the idea that all is lost – that one cannot come back from where they’re at, (which for quite a few may be), but for me I stepped into a testament, that it is possible to move beyond one of the most extreme situations I’ve found myself in, that ended up being the better for it, and no I didn’t find God, Jesus or Buddha or even ascended anywhere, oddly enough I only focused on the experience of me inside myself, while in my mind exploring my external reality internally, meaning I didn’t stop what I was doing to myself until I had had enough.

In spite of what was going on around me, I became inquisitive to elevating my perception of things, and so felt the need to open my “Third Eye” (As I called it), so dove into the deep end with energy fixes without resistance, where my idea was to fix all my worries/anxieties/fears and insecurities, you know the “Normal” things human beings deal with on a daily basis, and at the moment of indulgence it worked, I mean for the first time in my life, I felt so alive and could handle it, or so I thought, that is until thinking too much became the fault line that shook me to the core of my being, with no consideration of what this energy was doing to me.

And because I had a massive amount of energy built up within me, at one point I became like static electricity, in the sense of almost everything I touched I would shock, seriously, where there was this one day I was in the grocery store food shopping and walked past a man and his son, and as I slightly brushed up against him in passing, there was this loud POP/ shock that startle him, me and his son, where his son turned around and said “Whoa did you see that”, but still then it didn’t sink in how much energy I was addicted to and emitting from my body through my mind, that was inevitably harmful to myself and others that I would come in contact with.

Where on the surface it seemed exciting, but hurt the purpose of me existing in this state of being, and in my mind I thought I woke up to reality, and that everyone else was missing out, so surrounded myself with those that journeyed with me down this long dark road, I mean I was “Fixed” and no one could tell me nothing, which is what happened, no one did, because I wouldn’t listen but heard them, hmm – which is what we’re good at in this reality, Not listening, but hearing with no comprehension in context of what’s being said.

And being that I was keen on the presentation of myself, in public I didn’t want to be seen at a low, so stayed away from public places, but felt the need to document this experiment (unknowingly though) where in the end I had made around 400+ little snippet videos on a little flip camera I had, for no other reason but to get out what was coming up within me (In hindsight), I mean about time I entered process, I had 400+ points to walk through and correct lol, which I wouldn’t suggest others doing and was a hassle for me to get through, but needed.

Interesting how throughout this whole time, I chose to keep my focus on one thing at a time, like my music making/Photoshop and graphic design, computer stuff etc… but within that negated my responsibilities for a ‘pleasurable’ focus so to speak, and Yes I had people in my world continuously asking what are you doing, so I came up with the premonition that – once I’m able to induce this feeling onto myself without anything I’ll stop, and because I excused myself with this statement so much, I tricked myself into believing it, then did it, (But can’t forget what finding DESTENI did for me) where one day I woke up and had had enough and not a moment sooner.

Thing is I never really liked the lie of a feeling that would come and go, extreme ups and bottom dropping downs, which makes the chase thereof a can’t wait thing, I mean that’s how energy is, like with money when you have it you’re happy, and when you don’t you’re sad, and although I knew the road I was taking, it took me walking it to get through it, and ultimately seeing/realizing/understanding that this worst of me, is not who I really am, but fascinating to say the least.

This also create a big divide between me, the people around me, my family and friends and those who took this deep dive with me, into being totally alone – that for some, like me, it took the aloneness to realize “what am I doing here”, that can only come from within, and those who’ve always had my back was still there when I came back, without judgment or suffocating statements of finger pointing proportion; that’s needed if it’s really about support, so in hindsight I had to redefine what “Fix/Fixed/Fixedness” meant to me, therefore;

From Fixed as a put together reality (in definition) through energy fixes that placed me into an alternate reality in my mind, to pulling myself out of it and into a baseline fixed position of stability (as a redefinition), allowed me to be Fixed in/on Process, and although there is plenty other points I’m still walking, I gifted myself the fix needed to get through this one, remembering that Process is a lifetime not a quick fix.

Thanks for reading.
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