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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 12 Sep 2019, 21:04
by Carlton ... me-and-so/

Day 847: Taking Responsibility for the Experience of Me (And So)

Adding fuel to the fire is a worthless desire for every mind constantly doing so, where some of the decisions we make we think will replace the ‘experience of me’ in a moment of uncertainty, that’s where a high is created around an expectation that I need to do this for my survival, no matter what it is we believe this is it, that’ll put us right where we need to be, but when it’s all said and done and the energy is released, we’re left with a feeling of defeat, where was it worth it not to see an alternative way that could have changed this experience of me.

At times we beg and plea for the pain to cease in a moment of discomfort without feeling a thing, but a feeling that comes up that nobody love me when things are not how we expected them to be, what’s not seen is how we’ve excommunicated ourselves from people in our world we thought would reach back out to us, but when they don’t we say what’s wrong and blame them for the experience of me, so we hibernate in wait for the next energy fix to pull us out of our self-created funk, and when it comes we’re quick to run back into the same mind junk again.

One hell of an experience this life we’ve chose, an instrumental experiment to subside our human nature, unbeknownst to us an action well needed that’s no accident when looking at how life was created, as something you can’t destroy, no matter how much you try, but lie to ourselves that this is so, a premeditated disposition to place ourselves in a position of correcting and changing our spiteful intention, it should be forbidden to sow discord amongst the brothering of self, that’s bothersome to every human being alive, I mean we’re choosing not to see the finer things of life, like how we’re all connected and how this world was designed, that’ll take oneself out of a selfish mindset and place us here out of the stench of fear, so that every last one of us can see things clear that will come when we all correct our desires, to realize these desires are just work for hire constructs of the mind that corrupts our experiences, that causes consequences for us to have to walk through and creates this experience of me.

You see, things like this we’re unable to conceive, but perceive there’s someone else pulling our strings, that we accept as a protagonist, more than a possibility, because obviously we’re looking the wrong way, never once taking heed that this experience of me is a problem I didn’t foresee, but undoubtedly have control over every time I roll over and wake up to a new day, in every moment is a chance for me to take a stand, that doesn’t erase what we’ve done in the past, where all we can do is to pull ourselves through and learn from the mistakes we’ve made.

Interesting point when learning from our mistakes, it's taking a lead role that breaks the cycle of emotion and belief, that I’ve become Emo to the notion that others are the problem that has nothing at all to do with me, so along we walk in perception and belief that the world really owes me something, bumping heads with those who really care and suppose our relationships will stay the same, while at the same time knowing that it won’t but don’t stop, being that we’re so used to conflict, where I’ll con you with flicks of my own self-interest until you get the picture of my Ego, and where energy go we’re certain to go that’s concerning for all parties involved, but to solve this problem and get to a resolve, takes more than just a fall, therefore;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call on energy with the idea that it would get me out of the moods I’m in and so change the experience of me to happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe the experience of me should be define by how I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a feeling of loneliness within the experience of me, by letting my ego step in and take it’s revenge, in moments of interacting with others in an unorderly fashion, that sabotages the relationships I’ve had with other, that so changed the experience of me from being happy to gloomy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived within the idea of gloom and doom and pending destruction, that I let distract me from seeing that finer things of life, like how we are/I am connected with all that is here on this planet and in existence as life, and how it all works, that’s a work of art for me to step into the becoming of who I am as life, to so live the experience of me to the utmost and not almost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world/others in my world for the experience of me every time I choose not to take responsibility for the reactions I have from feeling others can make me feel a certain way, as a collective, without considering how powerlessness is a point of giving ones power away to ideas/perceptions and beliefs, that ushers one into waking up on the wrong side of the bed every morning, and so mourn about the experiences we have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/to think being positive/thinking positively, is the key to having a positive experience/outcome in my life, without realizing how through my positive thinking, creates an eventual negative experience for others in the world and shortly thereafter myself, that’s an actual sabotage towards a substantial way of living, to living within a fixed point of energy, that once I move away from this energy fix I place myself in the experience of being here and living life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy, that’s then replaced by sadness, when the happiness runs out, or better yet money runs out or gets low, in the moment of self-interested fulfillment, but not always that it comes and goes, this happiness feeling with its pros and cons, as defined as a manufactured energy response to getting my way/will fulfilled, therefore if I create the experience of me as a every Here moment, happiness would be an expression I live, and so when living in every moment in awareness of my experiences, I can grow to reach my utmost potential.

We make everything clean from the outside looking in, the perception of no flaws to generate acceptance, but when this acceptance is rejected, we crawl back into the shell from whence we came, and so the experience of us stay the same, but slowly and surely we’re moving away from always being in a rut, and that’s why I chose to take this time to perpetuate standing up. Taking Responsibility for the Experience of Me. (And So) You’re it!

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 19 Sep 2019, 23:52
by Carlton ... is-needed/

Day 848: When Correction is Needed

At times I find myself getting ahead of myself, moving too fast that seems ok, but really isn’t, being that afterward when going back over whatever I’ve done, a subtle disappointment sets in, and so for a moment beat myself up over what it is that I did, like “come on man, this is not your best”, where what tends to happen is doing thing within a point of reaction, that’s easy to justify as ‘this making sense’, but after looking at it again, I come to my senses and slow myself down to see the correction that’s needed, that’s not an easy feat by any means to have to do things over again and/or to correct myself until I’m over it, meaning have completely walked the point out with all its attachments, no matter how many times it take, is a constant things I do to correct my mistakes, being that the presentation of what I’m living should be consistent in fact, and although fact begets fact, it can sometimes become easy to get distracted, not always by others but within disseminating a line, then find myself going in too deep and overlook things, and that’s when I realize when correction is needed, therefore;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize until after the fact, that a correction is needed for some of the things I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get ahead of myself (at times), when doing things too fast, moving too fast and overlook a mistakes being made, that even if no one notice, I have to live with me and can only correct myself, where through using vulnerability I’m able to face myself that shows the point of self-honesty when sharing myself, where if I’m able to point things out that I see, then should be able to point out my own flaws and points of correction needed, and so share them unconditionally, and that’s fine with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted when doing things, like writing, or other things that seems to come easily, where at times I tend to go in too deep and lose sight on the point I’m trying to make, and that’s where mistakes are made, so need to slow myself down and take a step back to make sure I’m still on track, with the actual point at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hand myself a headache, after seeing what I’ve done is not my best, or at my best, that should best help me, before I’m able to assist others when walking that same point and that’s for me.

So when and as I see myself, moving too fast and doing things within a point of reaction, and so distract myself from being here, by going too deep in my mind trying to disseminate a line I wrote, and/or adding too much into a simple task, to the point of overcomplicating it, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand how easy it is for me to complicate things for myself, and to distract myself with the idea that I got this, that needs my constant attending to, to not fall into the point of missing mistakes, but to stand back up and correct them effectively after realizing that which is amiss, and so,

I commit myself to correcting myself when needed, but more so to be aware of these little moments of self-distractions and reactions when doing thing, to make sure that I’m clear and here, with a cleared starting point to walk through the details of whatever it is that I’m doing, emotion free, in specificity.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 23 Sep 2019, 21:01
by Carlton ... rspective/

Day 849: Special Attention (A Different Perspective)

Ambiguity is the most loosely used word around when it comes to feeling, where sexuality is a classic that’s passively discussed, with its multiple interpretations and different purposes for most, and some love to boast about fulfilled intentions, while others think that it’s the most disgusting thing around, as if what you experience should be suppressed within you, that may cause stroke or constipation from the buildup inside, but not to be taking lightly and used frivolously, as when abused can bring forth discomfort in your body, to probably thinking why did I ever do that with this person, but being immersed within addiction brings forth a world of uncertainty, that definitely flirts with the idea ‘should I be concerned about something’, or is this concern a certain pattern that I follow.

Every excuse in the world is thought up when wanting something, like “I’m frustrated and crying and only a touch can bring it out”, and “I need special attention in the form of a feeling”, but still feel the same way after it’s all said and done, with a bit more emptiness, I can finally breathe, but still don’t realize our breath in every moment, a component that’s missed when one is claiming frustration is ‘why would you want to take it out on me’, but still again we’re quick to say I aim to please, then plead, ‘don’t take this away from me’, that’s unsatisfying when justifying I’m unsatisfied, a lie that excuses ones addiction to special attention, now wanting to go deeper into it with somebody else, when you really should just turn around and go back home, because it won’t get serious until after the escapade is over, and sober up from having ones head in the cloud, to wondering why is life so hard right now, but that’s what you get when seeking special attention.

In days of the past these things wasn’t talked about, but shunned upon extensively as a point needing change, but secretly when no one was looking those who shunned it did the same, that came about when all the children was put off to bed, in every house hold that hold secret away from one another, to being never told the true meaning behind the birds and the bees, then in came the advent of this is grown folks business and no child should know the secrets that lie underneath, but an interesting thing that happened to not only me, was the sneak to find out what it was all about, and after realizing what it was I had my doubts, but felt the need to seek this attention as well.

You never realize the pain you cause one another, when the starting point behind it is disguised as pleasure, which is why we’ve connected the words pleasure and pain, and derive pleasure from the pain we impress upon others, to feel that’s real as the frown formulating right now, when its things we don’t want to hear we block them out, in fear that what’s being talked about may be true, that convolutes the idea behind "What is Sex"?

I mean we f*** each other when charging interest and paying taxes, that’s mainly placed upon the backs of those with little to nothing, then seek special attention from the frustration we experience, for us to continue to get thrown back into the deep end of things, meanwhile following this repetitive cycle, and call this cycling the circle of life, when life is a constant and don’t repeat in cycles, but programmed into human consciousness as the infinity loop.

I must pay special attention to the experience of me, because the experience of me is what I accept and allow, and to think I can circumvent this experience to feel better, is a plethora of emotion I let accumulate inside, so but to swallow my pride and eradicate this belief, took introspecting, looking into these “special needs”, or the belief that I need special attention for these needs, which was only me failing to attend to myself, so what I realized is that when you attend to the dark parts of you, all these needs start slowly fading away, and what you’re left with is a blank slate to create space, to be able to do what you need to do throughout your day but with a corrected starting point. And so, I now pay special attention to the experience of me. instead of needing special attention to try and feel something. And that’s all I got to say about that for now, as I am a constant work in progress, living in the Here and Now.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 01 Oct 2019, 21:02
by Carlton ... in-i-gain/

Day 850: Worry and Fear (Again/I-Gain)

A master of disguise, these two are when working together, that creates a cocktail for disaster upon squeezed pressure (As I experienced), that needed to be corrected immediately, where feet don’t fail me now when walking through accumulated consequences that’s promising every time we go into worry (In relation to the things we do), where, is it deserving the flirt with uncertainty to be a fail-safe mechanism, that locks us into a point of self-doubt, with no way out but to correct the point, not to mention the bad decisions behind good intentions we’ve made and now have to walk through and live with, because of thinking someone or something must have it in for me and so stay within the energy of anxiety, that would manifest our worlds as s*** to come.

Separately and individually the only entity that chooses not to see is, the Human-being, where for me the worry is prominent, that at times I let dominate the experience of me by injecting in fear, where if the fear is not injected then the worry remains a concern, but if the concern is projected it becomes worry and fear, that if internalized creates a lack of self-trust and dishonesty, that’s commonly the most perpetuated state around.

It’s hard for one to accept ‘not believing in yourself’, as one of the causes and effects to having worry and fear, on every level fearing the next step we take, as if we didn’t learn to walk a long time ago, then add in the point of needing things to survive, and there you have it, the way we sabotage our lives, in spite of knowing as a child I played with no worry in the world, but my play back then was getting to know the world of me, so what stops one for looking into me I see, is the idea that everything is separate from me, and so worry about the separation I’ve caused myself, with the idea of being powerless to do something about it.

Where, in those moment, what I didn’t see was how I was believing that I needed fear and worry as the mind to guide me, into hopefully/just maybe figuring things out, that’s never the way of effectively figuring things out, and so ended up in pain looking for a helping hand, and being that I’m stubborn I did little to no looking - that stubbornness idolize “I can do it myself”, but fall deeper in to worry about not knowing what to do, until I reach out for a well needed assist and was assisted to see the state that I was in.

In the midst, it’s interesting how we take things to the extreme, and deem the point must be more than it is, like saying, “Only god can cure me from this ailment”, then pray until we feel something move inside, then comes excuse after excuse and justification as validation, if nothing happens that changes the way we feel, I mean that’s why it’s important to learn what’s really real - to realize there is assistance out there more than just a thought, but first one has to come to grips with it being our faults, before wanting to give up or give in to the idea that there’s nothing else I can do, and so want to end it all before following through, standing right there at the cusp of change waiting to take the next step, that when taken makes the transition a point of creation, moving oneself into a place of stability, to eradicating the pressure that worry and fear brings, so that I can get one step closer to reaching my utmost potential, and change into the person I would like to be.

A little R&R from the mind is a well warranted desire when we desire to feel something from the mind, where in time the energy accumulates and become overwhelming to the point of yelling, ”Why is this really happening to me”, where at which time one needs to stop what we’re doing and pay close attention to what the body is telling us, that’s pressing literally to say the least, saying if we continue this, things could become more drastic than they already are, where a breakdown is imminent, to losing self-will and if self-will is lost so is our will to live, because we’ve become so depressed about the way we feel, and feel defeated after going to the doctor, and the doctor says there’s nothing I can do about it and give you two aspirin to take in the morning, and when morning comes we’re mourning about No solution being reached, I mean I wish this on nobody, but there is a way to correct this state and that’s through Self-Forgiveness that’s never too late to do, so;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let worry dominate my state of being into being in fear about what I’ve created in my mind, as possibilities of worst case scenarios that pictures my vision, although not prominent, I create my world around it, to ending up in pain I’ve inflicted onto myself, that my physical body signals me to take heed to my experience, and proceed with caution into the next step I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that worry is only a point of concern, without realizing the fear that’s injected into it at the moment I react, reacting to what I’ve created in my mind as a pitiful possibility of worst case scenarios, picturing an outcome of negative proportion, that would justify the state I would go into next, into feeling helpless/hopeless and powerless to do something about it, and doubt that I would ever get over this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then in a moment, doubt that there is something that can be done about it, and so fall into blaming some person/place/thing/entity or being for leading me into being so worrisome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the ideas/perceptions and beliefs that comes up in my mind – that if I don’t follow them I wouldn’t be human or normal, that I let sabotage the point of being who I am as life, causing me to default my life in a sense of falling into a detri-Mental mind state, that places me into the space of wanting to give up or give in and so stay within a moment of uncertainty for way too long, until it overwhelms me to reach out for help, to stop myself from tumbling back down the rabbit hole, and hold myself accountable for the experience of me, and stop these point of fear and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how worry and fear leads to self-distrust, that the lack of self-trust causes self-destruction, by way of frustration when rushing into a decision, and the decision don’t work out how I expected it to, that shows how my expectations is a point to be looked at and corrected, before I let my Ego take it’s Revenge, that it’s always possible to see this coming, just as long as I catch myself before the first reaction.

And with that we stop the pressing infliction of pain, in signals of constant reminder to always be Here, to not miss what pressing that’s always Here, as Life waiting for us to grab onto it a Live.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 05 Oct 2019, 20:09
by Carlton ... ting-game/

Day 851: The Waiting Game

The act of not moving a muscle, that make space for the muscles we move in our minds, being muscled around by the thoughts we think, that blinks us into a corner to be distracted, until we’re extracted and the coroner picks us up, to be placed in a box and then picked up, and taken to the garbage pail we call a cemetery, that cements the ideas we had to never be discovered, a place for idealist and realist alike, whose only crime was playing the waiting game in spite of knowing they might have been on to something, but choose to wait when opportunities passed them by, which makes it estranged how we love to wait, ‘For nothing’, and ‘Wait for nothing’ when we’re acting like we’re impatient, and hate waiting when it don’t interest me, and when it do, we can’t wait for this stimulating treatment.

The secret to the waiting game is a pass time of thinking, where all these possibilities come up in your mind, like if you’re driving to a place for the very first time, the worst of the worst comes along to accompany you, like “What will it be like”, or “Will I get hurt”, or “What will I have to do to stop this from happening” (I’m laughing because the same thing just happened to me), then get there and realize I was a basket case – that’s basking in the mind along the wait, that takes place every time going from point A to B, as short as walking from the Oven to the Kitchen Sink, “What’ll happen if I spilled this Hot grease on me”, then sigh in relief that these thoughts didn’t take place, when being quick to sabotage our point of ‘Wait’, in which case should be used as a time to create, and correct all the mistakes we’ve made thus far.

An allotment of time before your next move, that’s filled with possibilities to create the mode, then swing on a vine of thought to prove, I think/I know what I’m about to do, then use what we were shown during the waiting game, that pains our ability to get through it effectively, that changes the outcome to then start questioning, what the hell was I thinking about before I started, it’s in the wait where all these thoughts take place, that debates our resolve before we get going, accompanied with resistance that’s constantly showing, how I simply allowed my mind to corrupt my wait.

But “Wait” when seen as a point having patience, is abrasively needed as a point of being safe, because most of the time we’re in our minds and need to be reminded to pay attention to the present, before we step off the curb and will regret it, it’s a blessing to hear a voice say “Wait”, in moment of walking toward an intersection distracted, stimulated and impulse with certain attachments, that’s when accidents are certainly bound to happen, a collision of decisions that alters our state of living, when all we had to do was to tune in and listen, to the voice on the corner telling you to, “Wait”.

I was once told (In so many words) some would spend a lifetime waiting on you to get it and when you don’t, they’ll just as soon leave, as we sit there wondering what didn’t I see, that happened to me before I saw, that oddly enough helped me to see, how I was waiting one something outside of me to motivate me to be here with them – that all it took was to be in the present, that would lessen the possibility for sabotaging my relationships, because I would be complacent with relating with them, and really get to know them for who they really are, and thus far I’ve learned from that lesson fairly well.

What I realized within the waiting game is the pattern in which I hold my mind, in what comes up while I wait, that creates the experience of me to come, before going into doing something that should be attended to before enactment, to correct the starting point in which I stand, so that my focus is for a cause, that causes for no distractions or even pause, that way I’m prepared for whatever happens, which makes the experience of me worth the wait, and this is how I correct what I face, in the space I call “The Waiting Game”.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 13 Oct 2019, 18:43
by Carlton ... lost-time/

Day 852: Making Up for Lost Time

A back track in fact to the past, to the things we didn’t do or missed that passed, but feel the need to make up for, like putting our life on pause to see and absorb, what all the fuss was assumed about, about a belief of the miss we can’t live without, and so wake up to make up for the time we’ve lost, that cost us a waste of time right now, it’s about how time waits for none of us, who choose to wait on time to pass, then end up doing things in the nick of time, that brings forth the experience of a rush affect, begets a Lost = Low-Starting point and fear to lose the things unseen, like feelings and ideas that happiness brings, that’s impossible to make up for in times of loss.

In times of loss we grieve the impossible, the “I should’ve and could’ve” that couldn’t have possibly happens, subtract the facts when looking back, to see we had no control over that, but in a weeks-time we’re soon to forget, to again play making up for the lost time spent, in sadness and depression that lessons our ability, to see the stripping of essence from our beingness, I mean it, it’s an abscess on our demeanor, the more we look forward to back in the day, = the more we repeat the same mistakes, is it really impossible to make up for making mistake, to then wake up with a headache and a little more meaner, I mean we simply can’t make this s*** up, with a mind made up to refurbish the past, then pass alone the past as the history of us, from generation to generation with a lack of self-trust, then bust into the future looking to make up for lost time, just to find that we’re back set in our old ways.

I wish, is a condensed version of wanting to make up, in a sense of knowing what I didn’t know back then, but when wish is Will-I-Stand-Here in common sense, becomes a point of correcting, that mistakes was made, it’s infectious the idea of an opinionated-self, as an option, I can do whatever I want, except do nothing about the wants I desire, that’s inspired by wanting to make up for lost time, hypersensitive to being told, “let it go that’s the past”, a bold thing to ask when one is possessed by it, asking what do you know about what I’ve been through, then walk away and possibly lose connection with you.

In relationships ‘making up’ is the same as ‘making out’, because in both we’re trying to change the way we feel, where after a while only time is able to reveal, just how lost we were for having to make up for lost time, in spite of one another, soon to change our mind, after realizing the way that things turned out, trying to make up for failed relationships of the past, that’s brought forth into the relationships of now, where there’s no way it’ll have any room to expand, unless we ever plan on really letting things go, unconditionally after accepting the past as the past, before moving on and into creating something new.

When having a conversation with someone you haven’t spoken to for quite some time, what comes to mind, is the catching up aspect, where it’s perceived to be making up for lost time, which is really a re-mind of the happy times that was spent together, where there’s rarely a question of any self/life changing factors, unless it’s conflictual or a point of longsuffering, to be followed by a moment sympathy and that’s it, then quick to say ‘cool to catch up with you man’, as a point of escaping any further news, and if you speak common sense, the other person will stop talking to you, and you’ll probably won’t see them again in life, which could be for trying to make up for lost time.

That being said, outside of superficiality, walking one point at a time is a making up in fact, to catch up and walk with to be right and exactly where time is of good use, that seduces ‘making up for lost time’, and proves that all is not lost which starts the point of change, and rearrange the missing to a mission of possibilities, that’s probably the best idea for making up to Self, considering the rivals of survival that we’re behind in the first place, that makes lost time a thing to replace with forward movement, and in conclusion one can start from now, to say I’ve made up my mind to make now the point of change.

Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play this game with myself, wanting to make up for lost time, thinking and believing time can be made up from the past, that places my Self right back into the past from whence I came, and become ashamed that I didn’t excel at what I was attempting, that still houses traces of mistakes that was made, being that I missed the obvious that the past should be corrected and not made up for, ignoring the purpose for being here right now. And I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, the point of making up to self, that substantiates the creation point, by starting with walking one point at a time, as the point of self-change to catch up and walk with, in making up one’s own mind to no longer accept and allow myself to live this lapse of time and judgement, to accept and direct the jurisdiction of me, so that I may use this time now efficiently. As I am/we are a work in progress.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 20 Oct 2019, 18:48
by Carlton ... reactions/

Day 853: Attracting Reactions

Situations are like constipation when not handled correctly, they escalate and accumulate to the behest of our understanding, not knowing what it is that causes our reactions, and so aggressively attach ourselves to this point of distraction, where at times a mean look can set a person off, or a few words that strike nerves when spoken profoundly, an unintended point of spite when bumping into someone, or saying things at times when they shouldn’t be said, around other while claiming “But I’m telling the truth”, that abuses a person’s Ego who confided in you, it’s like we love to think that we can help someone out, then open our mouths and shout about what was on a need to know bases.

Questioning a person’s vulnerability level is like pushing them to the forefront to purposefully experience embarrassment, or as a child getting a whooping and told “this hurt me more than it hurts you”, I mean what’s the real reason behind these infractions, unaware of the things we do that attracts reactions, is it a passion to react to the passing of energy, and pass it on for others to induct our feelings, then react to them not feeling the same way we do, as they react to the way we just made them feel, self-honesty is knowing what and what not to say or think, at which time is appropriate or inappropriate for the cause, like is it appropriate to talk about death in a nursing home, and some might be saying “Depending on what context it’s in”, where rebuttals are an attempt to justify our reactions, just to say “well you just made me react to this”, it’s a design I know well and have participated in, and wonder why it’s reacted to, the way we are.

Persona’s that dis-honestly lies to our stance, attracts a reaction from onlookers afar, where what then comes up is “who do they think they are”, that sees directly through the vail we’re presenting, but if we’re being personable it’s hard to react to, being that we’re allowing the next person their space and time, when amiable it’s taking into consideration the other persons mind, because this is what we would like for ourselves, a situation of sitting and conversing effectively, respecting the sharing one another’s vulnerability, harmlessly adding on to what the other is saying, that makes for an efficient way to communicate.

Subjecting ourselves to the gospel of gossip, insures that we react to listening to it every time, where what I find interesting is the attentiveness we have when hearing things about other, that gropes our attention span to perking our ears, so when there’s nothing to say, tag it’s about you, or me to see where you fit in to my reactionary self, that’s attractive on the surface but underneath it’s a warning, that our time is coming soon, because we’ve accepted this behavior.

Playing savior is a savvy way to abdicate responsibility, where some can tell you what to do, but don’t follow our own advice, and when seen that one do not practice what we preach, attracts a reaction from the one that was advised, and although everything that was said was absolutely right, the disguise is the lie we tell ourselves, that “If I can explain it well, it must mean that I’m living it to, that no correction is needed and this is all I have to do”, but what’s interesting is, this attracts a reaction towards self, when things fall apart that we did nothing about, where frustration is most patiently waiting to arise, and irritation is what happens after drying our eyes, from crying too much about not following our own words, but think the words we say can save others from themselves, without testing out the program we’ve written to be lived, and gift to our Self a freedom from reaction.

In fact when adapting to the conflict of things, we spring into character for everyone to see, then said,
“You bet not mess with them, because they’re crazy”, that’s amazing to see how we replace equality with inequality, towards others in our worlds because they’re non-compliant to what we see, about the world and in their worlds with how they choose to walk their process, that messes with the very fabric of their location point, and interrupts the time it takes for them to figure things out. As a reaction that’s justifiable when it’s ‘Just-If-I’m-Able’ to explain myself that somewhat makes sense, but cover up the acceptance of energy that’s present, a power trip in fact if for a moment I get pissed, then say “All I have to do is Self-Forgiveness”, where in common sense things like this is overlooked, and yes although we correct it the point still stands, that we never really gave the other person a chance, to stand in correction and expand themselves, from another life’s lesson that we’re rushing them to see, that attracts a reaction from you and me.

Thing is, our acceptances and allowances are our own to bear, and when pushed upon others in the form of dare, creates a fear that a reaction could be imminent, if you keep trying to scare me into doing what you’re doing, that exacerbated in religion I participated in for so long, to where now the rest of my life I would like to change on my own, and in my own time, granted I now take responsibility and apt to accepting assistance when given considerably, that’s spoken for all of us who walks this process alike, when speaking to ourselves I’ve learned not to be spiteful. Therefore;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how easy it is to attract a reaction from others through the things I say, the way I present myself and my behavior, when unbecoming to who I am as life, with little sprinkles of spite in thought, “Well it’s on them if they react” and/or “They shouldn’t react to things”, which of course is true, but in a way lose touch with what I’ve been through and had to go through to get to where I am now, and all who came before me who had patience with me, allowing me the time to step into the realizations of me, without forcing their own understanding upon me, but graced me with the space and time to catch up and walk with, and if I slip while walking with, there is no punishment, because We are all a work/walk in progress, and will progress even more when considering others. And that’s all I have to say about that, for now.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 27 Oct 2019, 22:37
by Carlton ... rspective/

Day 854: Direction Vs. Deflection (Perspective)

Sitting on the throne of my own self-will, I will myself to direct my interactions, especially in situations full of distractions, infiltrate the impermeable with the call for action, but what tends to happen is I start to deflect points, instead of directing them effectively through introspection, where things would come up for me to see, then turn my head before they peak, in a motion of saying “No” to not see, as if to swat away flies that bothering me, but if you notice one thing, the “Flies” still remain, until we change the way we’re directing ourselves, without protecting the states in which we love to be in, that’s ‘ignorance is bliss’, and ‘I don’t give a f***’, that’s Flushing away the Creation of Kindness, unaware that this deflection is by direction of the mind. And when asked how are you we’re quick to say fine, just to appease to one another’s sense ability, which is clearly a defect that deflects our direction, to longing for recreation instead of correction.

Where the sense of happy times, keeps us on the edge of our seats, to where then everything we look at brings up old memories, to going into it as if it’s the present, that’s a point of deflection instead of direction, that messes with our focusing on what’s at hand, and can’t stand the mess we’ve made of what we’re doing, abusing the moment we had to be here, in fear of missing out on something we thought about, I mean it’s not really that hard for us to cut this out, where all we have to do is simply slow ourselves down, when thought after thought begins to compound, just take a step back and continue to breathe, to see how can I direct myself effectively.

Where breath is like a cured potion when done correctly, aware of the 4 count in and hold for 4 counts, then breathe out in one moment all that was thought about, and with what remains correction is needed, where I forgive myself for feeling defeated after deflecting these thought that came up in my mind, that overloads the senses in an emotional fashion, and become emotional when allowing my direction to be contaminated, by my mind stepping in to assist me to see, just how worse things have gotten for not directing me, shown to me in worst case scenarios we’re bound to react to, because of blowing an opportunity to follow through, as director in every moment never relinquishing our chair, to the executive producer of thoughts that only generates fear, and action movies that veers my attention towards conflict, promising “Don’t worry, you’ll get out through this”, then become content with what I’m seeing coming up on the screen, but scream soon as the pain affects my sense-ability.

The more we let things slip by the more they accumulate, and so sit within the ache that pains our day, it pains me to say, at times I still allow this, but what’s different now is the steps I choose to solve it, starting with ‘Never Giving Up’, that’s a must that I’ve learned, and turn back around when I’ve made the wrong turn, and stop thinking my way is the best thing going, and slowing myself down is a point courtesy, that Curtsy and Bows to the Self of me, the flesh of me that needs to be regarded, in every way I’m learning to regard myself, starting with investigating what spawned my imperfection, as the thoughts that came up I choose to deflect, just to protect what I call my self-interested Ego, and we all know where the Energy Goes we’re soon to follow, that’s hollow when Self-Intimacy should be at play, this is how I’m learning to charge my day, and stay vigilant to the experiences of me, that way I’m aware to direct what I see, that’s easily overlooked and pushed aside, until realized we can’t hide behind what we deflect.

Deflection is the protection and defense mechanism, that guards our “face” from facing what we see, where the projected saying ‘You can learn a lot from a dummy”, is especially true when looking at me/yourself in the mirror, that’s My-Mundane-Demon, choosing to not see/hear/respond to what I’m shown, listen to or feel, all because we’re feeling endowed, in the end as if we’re owed a pardon or something, to partly stay within this point of deflection, that lessens or ability to become directive principle and principal the school of self in which we learn, and yearn to understand this physical reality.

Just as casually as I defected from directing myself, I now choose to casually correct myself from this mess I’ve made of my point of direction, that starts with one’s sharing my own introspection, and walk into directing every part of me, that’s not easy but needed to change my reality, that only I can facilitate for the betterment of me, that would strengthen the relationships I have with all in my world, and correct the relationship I have with myself, that way I maximize on my utmost potential, and simply enjoy the life I would like to live, as life, doing that which is best for all life in fact. That’s a learn to direct myself/ourselves in the right direction that best suits our individual well-being, with self-acceptance.

More to come…

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 04 Nov 2019, 21:56
by Carlton ... rspective/

Day 855: Deflecting my Direction (Flipped Perspective)

I’ve spit myself into so many ways, spread thin into intersections of dismay, and so deflected the idea of bringing myself back together, because I detected the comfort-ability that lies within resistance, and so enjoyed the rest of being a bum to responsibility, which is obvious, I clearly didn’t know which direction to take or what direction was for that matter, that defeated my purpose and posed a threat, to my sense of forgetfulness I never forget, or forgave myself for in retrospect, I’ve only perpetuated direction as an external thing, when giving it to others without first giving it to me, but I was good at it, I knew exactly how to lead, with what I did know I thought complemented me, I could follow orders on how to give orders to others, but never ordered a change to the imbecilic me, back then I was betting on concealing my flaws as much as I saw that was externalized to, like the way I dressed if something was out of place, I would cover it up to look a different way, or change the direction in which I stood, as if to point out the flaws of somebody else, which eventually made me the point being talked about, because of the way I sought out deflecting my direction.

It’s hard to mustard up the courage to do something else, especially when what we’re doing seems to be working so well, so we block it, trying to blot it out of our minds, just to find it was really something we needed to see, like a second chance at directing me, that we long for but think it’s too hard to achieve, so instead of rolling up our sleeves and getting down to business, we complain, I need to know a little more about it and let doubt set in as the consequences accumulate, and hopefully it’s not too late to start right now, in telling oneself, I am the point of direction, and dictator of defining my life accordingly, according to living in an orderly fashion, and fashioning my mind to doing what’s best for all, so when all else fails I’m standing tall, in the sense of having molded my foundation out of bedrock.

I’ve placed myself in such a tight spot plenty of times, squeezing through my imperfections, because I’m perfect at disconnecting myself from taking the point of direction in action, that’s a massive disconnection from me, to supplementing it for the desire to feel free of responsibility, that’s the acceptance in design of doing nothing, but noting down how we don’t really feel like it, in spite of knowing it’s something we need to do, that clues the direction in which we should take, for each one in our very own way – to pay attention to the details that swells our understanding on how to stand as director in moments of panting and pacing around with our hearts racing, that mostly take place when anxiety strikes and anxiety strikes when the tight spot becomes a restriction, we simply make it hard for us to listen and breathe, when allowing our mind to dis-ease our direction, that actually starts with a more simpler point of deflection.

Where with word, we’re so apt to question a question in conversation with others in our worlds, where if it’s something we’re not ready to answer, our answer would be the same question back to them, the spotting of spite despite the importance of knowing, that what they’re asking need to be talked about, especially in relationships with careful consideration, do consider our best interest might be at play, and although for most part it’s out of concern, a wall of worry sometimes dampens our starting point, which allows deflection to come up rampantly, uncontrollably because we’re not directing ourselves, on both ends our direction should be the clearing of points, and walk away leaving no stone unturned, that way when the mind sits in a director’s chair we make sure “Assistant” is in front of it.

Standing equal to and one with the point of deflection in self-honesty, is a point of directing the context of what’s being presented, like getting to a point without being interrupted, because we all know how we like to take thing out of context, before they’re finished being talked about, before the point is made, and so need to be reminded to stay away from our beliefs, that thieves our understanding of what’s said thus far, so the deflection is “Hold on one moment” and to “Here a person out”, that way we can then direct the information we received, in it’s entirety to choose the best value for me, in which case deflection can be used constructively, as a point of directing what we’re trying to get across in all honesty.

What I realize is (At times) both directing and deflecting goes hand and hand, in certain situations where both are required, and if we’re directing each situation to the best of our ability, we’re accepting all that we’ve deflected, to see within others, who shows us a replicated mirrored image of ourselves, and to deflect this is like turning a blind eye to our self-growth potential, that’s instrumental to the process in which I’m walking, learning how to be the sole Director of me. And that’s all I have to say about that for now, as I am a work in progress. Direct Yourself!!

Thanks for reading.

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Posted: 15 Nov 2019, 21:28
by Carlton ... erability/

Day 856: Fear of Vulnerability

There’s an old tale that the boogeyman hides in the closet and at any moment, in the middle of the night, could jump out and get you, so you better go to sleep, and as the child goes to bed in thin cloth pajamas, feels vulnerable and use the blanket and covers as a shield, form of protection to not get caught by the boogeyman, thing is, the damage is already done that creates a lifetime of fear of being vulnerable and so close oneself off to the rest of the world in introversion, but interestingly enough within this, we create this idea that wearing a lot of clothes will protect us, thinking that the body is now protected and hopefully so is my mind, which is an illusion and makes being humble and meek a point of self-deceit, because (internally speaking) we’re just plain ole scared and to beware of the decisions that a scared person makes.

It’s a share that most don’t really want to talk about, out of fear of being told, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, and scolded for talking out loud about the fears we have in the first place = Fear of Vulnerability, that’s clearly a tear drop away from crying a river for being Booed, but the truth is, we’re so used to being closed off and secluded, the mere thought of being open with someone is a red flag to our personable Ego, that’s comfortable with being a loner, just as long as we’re not second guessed for our beliefs, to then run away and even if we stay, it’s more the reason to not say a word about what I know and /or experience, that stems from a decision I made (with myself) way back when, that no one will understand me anyway, so why say anything.

An embarrassing laugh is the pathway to suppression that lessens the possibility of reaching my utmost potential, so keep to myself on the shallow end of things, when wallowing neck deep in deed/thought and belief, that all I am is a sheep, grazing with possibilities that’s promised to change me, but this weakness was hard to see, because I always kept my head down, never Shepherding responsibility to only focus on me, and so my distrust of others became the distrust of Self, I couldn’t stand with others nor the Self I wanted to be, because of the memories I had, I still let haunt me, the idea of get hurt and being brokenhearted, not making it in this world, which was so f***ing retarded, but the smartest thing I’ve ever done was to ‘Not Give Up’, because I knew/know there was/is something there (inside myself) that defines my purpose, my purpose for being Here, that untapped potential I deserve to know about that’s clearing instrumental, but if I’m always letting this embarrassing fear hold me back, I wouldn’t be aware of what comes after that, so;

To pay attention to the tendencies I have in my mind, that tentacles my expression to the self-sabotage design, with this crazy Idea that I’m not Valuable, which is being able to create value in my life, and then share my life’s worth value with all in my world, that’s really limitless for all of us in this world as a whole, but for me, it start’s with walking the corrections to the point of fear of vulnerability, of getting hurt and letting go of memories of the past, unconditionally in my past that passed along the gift of me being aware of it, and having the tools and sense to do something about it, it’s now beyond the point of figuring it out, but more so walking into the define Life Path that was laid out, in pin point for me to embrace and strap myself into, so that I can get to the point of experiencing that, that which has always been there waiting for me to embrace it, as all that is me, that it = ‘My Utmost Potential’, as life itself.

Thanks for reading.