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So continuing from my last blog looking at the various dimensions of loneliness, I have to do this and money as me - walking out of the mind and into the physical here-
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that "it makes sense I am alone" and to then charge the thought with emotions of loneliness as the ego and to then become lethargic in my living what is best for all life - where I cannot even see that we are all in fact alone, all - one in this, meaning we are equally together as this loneliness, we are all alone and must be stable and clear being al-one because if I cannot be intimate with and enjoy myself when I am on my own, then my interaction in living what is best for all with another will only be compromised and limited.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to deceive myself that I have "already dealt" with this loneliness, when in reality whenever my mother gets more ill, I react and all these suppressed emotions of loneliness come up stronger then ever, only showing that my application was not effective enough the first time round - I realise that anything I deceive myself that I have "gotten through" yet in self honesty know I have only suppressed, will only accumulate until I take self-responsibility to investigate and release any suppressions of loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mother's health level to dictate the activation of this loneliness emotion because of fearing that when she is gone I will be the last Dawkins family member, like this last of the mohicans idea of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the last of my family, when due to the likeliness of that, it makes no sense to fear it, or allow in anyway that possibility to cause a reaction in my mind as thoughts and emotions of loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as the mind I am alone as this loneliness emotion when in reality it is an emotion that we have all experienced we are all one in this and it is common for one to experience this more continually based on family, work and friend factors - where when we lose a close friend, family member or job you enjoyed it is experienced as a "losing pieces of self" in the mind to the point where the mind as the ego starts to define itself more and more as alone.
I forgive myself to as this loneliness spend lots of wasted moments in silence if someone else looks at me- yet inside my mind it is the internal conversation that comes up every time something close to me is in danger, where this idea of myself as the ego as being alone and therefore "able and expected" to do everything myself is constantly reaffirmed and becomes my starting point in everything in complete separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and charge memories with the emotions of loneliness of when I was a child seeing most of my friends having bigger families than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare family members of being determining factors in a person's "loneliness levels" when In reality loneliness has nothing to do with how many family members or friends one has - a person can have a huge family and experience loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the loneliness I experience through having a smaller family then many of my friends growing up, when In reality here there is no justification that is valid, because any and all justifications of this extensive loneliness are not based in and therefore do not lead to that which is best for all life and thus not acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my family as strange, in terms of family history/events etc,which again I have used to justify my loneliness - when In reality there is no "strange family stuff" that one can use to blame and justify the continuation of the enslavement of myself as the idea of myself as lonely.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as alone within my own family growing up due to having the most mixed up genetics of any family member - so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mixed genetics as something negative and my grandfathers pure genetics as positive in complete polarity friction, maintaining the allowance in this world of people to judge themselves and others based on race which is unacceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the experience of being left alone by my father and grandmother growing up, which only added more layers to my overall loneliness experience growing up .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and define myself according to memories of being my mother's carer growing up, when no other man would assist her consistently and none of my friends had to look after their mother, which again would feed more into this experience of loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if these points were not so, if I did not have to be my mothers carer growing up or my friends had disabled family members to look after, then my loneliness would not be as extensive or it would be some kind of magic cure - when in reality it is me as this idea of myself as the ego as this loneliness that keeps me separated and isolated from another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mothers and grandfathers relationship experience of not having a partner, being lone wolfs as just being the "Dawkins way" that imprinted on me growing , where I defined myself within and as, as this loneliness as being an actual identifying family trait - instead of seeing, realising and understanding that this loneliness self-definition is not actually real and is nothing but a justification to remain separated from others to match to the idea of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself, where I deceive myself into believing that I do not need anybody, nobody loves me, I am so alone etc. When in reality I do want a relationship, but have not effectively walked the necessary adjustments to my character in order to develop effective communication with another and develop a relationship from the starting point of what's best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and desire a relationship within and as the mind, where I am playing a movie in my mind, which could "never be possible for one such as me" but it is nice to dream type of a point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both fear and love loneliness and to then believe that If i am in a relationship then this fear and love of loneliness will disappear as a magical cure, or it will at least be understood. When in reality it is me that is creating this aloneness through my participation and self-manipulation in thoughts and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame someone and push someone away who has any uncertainty about being in a relationship with me, where as this idea of myself as alone I will look for any excuse that a person will not assist me with me loneliness as an indicator that I must leave them before they leave me, when It is unacceptable to look for a relationship as a means to try to end my love and fear of loneliness, when there would only be suppression from this starting point using someone to hide my fears and self-definitions that I am not taking self-responsibility for.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I am creating my own problem as the emotional experience of loneliness as a negative polarity, then creating the "solution" as the positive polarity of being in a relationship - fascinating that I do not consider how it is that I come to be this, as this pre-programmed mind creating and promulgating this problem/solution polarity with negative and positive emotions and feelings in complete separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to investigate and introspect what I am creating as this negative polarity of the emotional experience of loneliness - then considering how this would change if I would let these thoughts and emotions go, forgive them - where my starting point for a relationship will transform from a suppression tool to hide the fear and love of loneliness, into a decision/commitment to create something more with someone, something of real worth that is best for all life here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define loneliness as the partner that never leaves when this is all just my participation in the internal conversations around aloneness as the idea of myself as being alone yet never being alone within loneliness.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever question - how can a relationship be something of worth if the starting point is fear and love of loneliness? Because as long as this is the starting point, then everything about the relationship will be dishonest and will likely end with me erratically clinging onto yet at the same time pushing this partner away in a spiral of dramatic emotional erratic behaviour which will of course make a person want to not be with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and alcohol for years as a means to suppress the feelings of loneliness I have had in the past, without ever taking self-responsibility to face the pain, to be clear headed to investigate and correct the route of this loneliness within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use honesty about my own and my families history as tools to create fear in another, in order to push that person away to match the idea of myself as being alone - I see how I will then use the point of well im "just being honest" as if I have done nothing wrong as the ego, when I reality when I know that things in mine and my family's past may cause reactions in others, why is it important to go into overdepth about these? Why would it make sense to use that as a way to push people away? It is unacceptable - yes it's been a crazy life that I have lived, but I know who I am now as life here, I have changed my destiny and that is what matters when in discussion with others around my own and my families past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed opportunities to make money as tools that I can use to promulgate my existence of this lonely being with money as the ego in self-interest as this world money system - instead of using business as a means to create what is best for all life - I see how I have accepted myself to be defined/enslaved as the creation as the mind as energy and the world system of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined/enslaved as the creation as the mind as energy and the world system of money.
I forgive myself that I have not realised, seen and understood in every breath that when I am trapped as the ego as this loneliness in self-interest, then one can only do so much beneficial movements, because I am limited in living what is best for all life in every moment and thus I must take self-responsibility cofr the consequence and root of this loneliness - I stand up, let this loneliness go, not allow my ego to control my decisions, recreate myself as what's best for all first, where real communication and unconditional support of a being will emerge.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to see that this Loneliness experience is like the Venom alien parasite that constantly talks to you and tries to keep you trapped within your own internal conversations so that you always remain isolated and ineffective at interacting with others because of being fucked within and as the parasite of loneliness which if I allow it takes controls of my actions to become destructive.
I forgive myself that when things like my mother getting ill happens, then I react and allow it to make me lethargic about my process and my journey to life, where backchat will come up extensively and my application will very much become from the starting point of "I have to do this" where I trap myself in the idea that if I have to do something that is not aligned to what I want to do, I resist it and justify this resistance because " have to do it" without seeing the relevance and importance of the point in living what is best for all life, therefore it is something that's best, it is not a "having to do".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place "I have to do this" within the context of my survival in the world system, in justifying ways that must be adhered to in order to obtain money for survival, yet I apparently will not use the same point to bring to fruition a world that is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that living what is bets for all life is not a "having to do" like some fucked up 9-5 job in the world system - living what is best for all life is a common sense living , which requires no loneliness to cause stagnation and "having to do it" back chat shit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this loneliness to accept and energy system as me, as the preprogrammed conscious, subconscious and unconscious thoughts, feelings and emotions where I keep myself preoccupied within the conscious to not see what I am allowing, teh sub-cnsocins where I create personalities to maintain my conscious preoccupations, and the unconscious where I store real experiences in order to not have to deal with the consequences of what I have become - this is in the exact same way in which the money system is structured as the conscious/rich, subconscious/middle class and unconscious/poor people, which is completely unacceptable to allow any further, because I build myself here to be the world that I want to see.
I commit myself to not allowing these experiences of loneliness to control me, so when and as I see my mind having thoughts and emotions come up in relation to loneliness, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to feed into this loneliness as I know that would only result in the continued enslavement of myself, so i breathe and continue to do so until these loneliness thoughts and emotions do not come up.
I commit myself to living the realisation that we are all one and all alone equally, thus only I myself can remove these loneliness thoughts and emotions, there is no relationship or tool I can use to get this sorted, I can only responsibility for myself whether I have a partner or not.
I commit myself to investigate and see how I feed self-interest as this loneliness, with clear directive - in order for me to bring this to an end and realign myself to that which is best for all life here.
I commit myself to living the realisation that not isolating oneself, yet being comfortable being alone is an actual need the same as drinking or eating, because two sets of hands are always more effective than one, thus I must not allow and egotistical loneliness to control my actions, I must breathe and interact here from a clear starting point of building something of value with any person I meet in any capacity.