Jessica´s Journey to Life

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Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaA » 27 Jul 2016, 02:03

Day # 320 — Borderline Personality ... rsonality/

I still feel ashamed of sharing this. I feel people might be scared or not wanting to talk to me anymore. I prefer to design a better personality so can people can be around me without saying “oh yes, she is sick” I am not sick. It´s not who I am, I am not a monster.

How this disorder started?

I don´t know how started. I guess since always due to feeling I didn´t fit in this world. I felt I was different. So, I have shared in my blog why this all started and how I developed myself a unstable self-image caused by the manifested consequences of my lack of responsability in accepting and allowing others to bully me and so I started to be my own bully and my own dictator. Then my unstable relationships cause I am not very social due to the fear of being hurt. I am very very sensitive. How people treats me and how they react to me is a big point. Although now, since I find Desteni I have been developed more self-security in me and I don´t care how others see me or treat me, but inside me I still care why I was not accepted as good as other friends in this “society”. I grew up feeling I was wrong and I was ugly due to being fat and dumb due to worrying about animals, and having sensitivity. Also I am very impulsive,…or I was. Lol. I am correcting myself in that a lot. Controlling my impulses due to my changes of humor and the way I feel around people reactions and “energy” in certain places/people.

Why the doctors saw in me a BPD?

Well, I was depressed all day, had changes in my humor and I started to cut myself. So this are the principle points that get me into that type of disorder. Also my interaction with people is not normal…cause I tend to fear them or I don´t feel excited to know new people cause they can be rude and nasty so Why I should have “friends”? Also I was feeling attracted to do activites that gave me adrenaline rushes, as driving fast or buying compulsively.

Another point is fear of abandonment. I guess the breaking point was when my grandmother died, I felt alone. Although my mother is alive and I have a great relationship with her; I felt I was being abandoned and also when I knew this boy I liked a lot and he didn´t wanted to be my friend anymore I felt very sad and fearful.

Of course these was experiences that made the bomb explode cause I was always supressing all and not wanting to talk and expose what was happening to me I always said I felt okey with several kind of rejections and not living what I wanted to live. I wanted to be as my friends – I wanted to have a cool body and I wanted to be popular, to go out with boys I liked and instead of that they saw me as a friend or as a fat girl they wanted to laugh at. Lol., just as in the movies, i was just another statistic.

My last relationship with a boy that didn´t wanted to have a serious relationship was helpful for me to face myself. I experienced feeling anxious if he didn´t writed/replied soon. I felt I was doing something wrong. I felt panic in thinking that he didn´t wanted to talk to me anymore, such as the panic attacks I had in the other relationship. I also had several impulses and I pushed him away several times. I had a lot of conflict cause he didn´t wanted to be in just one relationship, he was going out with married women and I didn´t liked that but I wanted to keep him. It was very intense, but of course it was a great assistance for me. I learned a lot, as I said I faced myself in many ways and he stood by my side although I was very messed up. My attempts to keeping him as just a friend didn´t helped. Indeed I miss him but was all a consequence of what I did.

But, as I say I see this experience as a great and valuable assitance for me in revealing me and so that´s why I started writing again, I don´t want to repeat all this and hurt people and keep them away and also I don´t want to be another person with a mental issue. I know all this was created by me and this disorder is about behaviours and so I have to change my behaviours and correct them.

I have correcting a lot. The first one was cutting myself. I don´t do this anymore cause I don´t like to see my skin with this marks – although I don´t have many as other people I have seen in the internet I don´t want to continue abusing my body.

So this personality disorder is how I have created myself due to not being there/here for me and letting the external things/people/experiences to control me. I know I am strong. And I will continue this process of developing strenght and love to my self. So, this personality is not who I am.

I have read that researches doesn´t know how this is created, they imagine at the childhood stages and how one self starts developing in relationships – so yes, I can tell this starts with how you enter in your environment. People/experiences in this world can be terryfing to kids. Some are very sensitive as me and I didn´t treat people based on how they look or how they talk etc. People has to be more considerate. I am not saying I was a victim of course, also I didn´t wanted to face people due to the fear of confrontation and then loosing them

Well, I will continue posting more about this experience and how I have been supporting me in correcting my behaviours. I see them as a pre-programmed design that triggers now and then, so, not me – and I can just be here and embrace me while the storm goes by and stop letting that storm destroy everything and everyone near me.

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaA » 28 Jul 2016, 05:11 ... xpression/

Day # — Self-Forgiveness/ Keeping me in the “borderline” of my expression
At night I was reading more information about this “disorder” and I was reading the feelings and emotions and struggles people that has the same diagnostic are suffering and I can relate with some and with others not, but I don´t want to remain as those people that are just limited to take their medication and they are not trying to make a change.

They feel the symptoms and they participate in them and they really believe they are that. I know I am not a sympton.

I have assisted me in correcting in many things such as my perceptions on people´s behaviours. Specially in thinking they do things because they want to get rid of me or they are angry with me. I have to build my common sense and place myself in the shoes of other people and stop being hard on myself and pointing at me when something goes wrong. I tend to blame myself for all the things that others do. Within this I remember the last blog of Tormod that use the word blame and changed it to B-lame….

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the symptoms as feelings and emotions I have is what I am and I cannot change and to think that I need something outside of me to correct me instead of realising that medicine is a support but I am doing the rest of the work in moving myself to correct in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and insecure about sharing openly about this diagnostic I have due to fearing the rejection on people that are reading my blog, thinking that they are not going to believe me or they are will know change their behaviour and treat me different due to me being fragile within this illness. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am fragile and people has to treat me different and considerate me because I am more vulnerable than them

Of course I don´t want to be treated differently and I don´t want people think that my expression – the one that I am discovering from withing all this – is caused by this disorder/personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel people may think that the way I am is the result of this disorder.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel/think that it was not useful to write about my disorder cause I wanted to keep it secret and not touch this topic cause it´s something I don´t care about cause I am not this disorder/personality is just a diagnose done by doctors and is not who I am.

Doctors wants to separe people in categories so they can group them and study them more easily – and beyond that well, make money with medicines because they are being payed by giving several medicines. I am not telling the meds are not useful but certain doctors just fills the recipe so the pharmaceuticals can profit with illnessess.

Reading all the symptoms in different media I realise these are not just particular of BPD people, all people has it…..let´s talk about promiscuity. All people – with or with not a mental diagnose are obsessed with sex and they search and search for people to consume their sexual desires, many people are driven by sex and feeding this energy with porn, masturbation, sex etc. It´s not an expression but a way to feed the mind with energy. So, not only BPD are promiscuous. For instance, I am not. I am not searching for different partners or searching for sex-partners only. I am not driven by this and I am not going to follow this sympton although I may feel atracted to experience it.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel separated from the normal kind of people just for being diagnosed with a mental-issue and to feel I am different from normal people – instead of realising that normality is not real and I am one and equal with all the people in the world.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel that people may treat me different because I have BPD – I realise I am the one that is perceiving this of me. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to treat me different due to having a disorder and so manipulating/sabotaging myself in thinking/feeling I am different and so limiting myself to express who I really am.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to use people as a distraction of what I am in fact doing with myself…I say that people do me this and that and In fact I am the one being hard on myself and being my own bully – I am treating myself different .

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to treat me different and compare myself to others and so depending on that keeping me in the “borderline” of my expression using this diagnose as an excuse for not being me and doing what I want and have to do.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to use this personality to sabotage myself from being who I am with the excuse that ” I am sick” so I cannot do and be the same way as other people so keeping me apart/hidden and not wanting to express myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider me as a sick person.

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaA » 01 Aug 2016, 01:46

Day # 322 – Alone as the mind ... -the-mind/

What if others are indeed a “bad-influence” for me in respect to discovering that I have to be alone. Mind wants to be sorrounded by people. Mind wants company. Minds wants to posses and to call another/others “mine” . Mind wants to be attached to others.

What I liked about U. ( the boy with which I had an open relationship ) was that he was free, he knew how to be alone; he didn´t worried about if he was alone or with company, …or at least that was the points I saw as me in him – because well, perhaps he didn´t wanted to get to close to someone to avoid being hurt and he shared me this philosophy just to create an interesting image about himself. But, I really enjoyed the “teachings” I received from him. Not getting attached to anything or anyone, enjoying silence and loneliness, not possesing anyone. I wanted to be like him. Letting my mind as ego behind and not wanting to belong to anyone/anything.

I had a lot of conflict about all these cause I really wanted to have a serious relationship with him but just having him and him having me as a unique partner. But, I knew this was not going to happen in any way whatsoever. Is it “bad” I want to have a person just for me? For me it´s a conflict cause I know this is ego: Wanting to posses and wanting just one person by your side…it´s not about having multiple partners no! – I am talking about the point of possession…the point of ego as wanting and being attached and so working in this point of not worrying and not being moved by the companion or the absence of a person in your life.

Then I knew some friends of him in the internet with the same ideas. They had/have people that are not exclusive for them, they have multiple partners and they have/get sex when they require so. I felt attracted to this way of living when I was in a break within desteni process, and it was cool to have this kind of life. Mastering myself to not needing anyone and just obtaining what my body requires and that´s all. But, yes, I had a lot of conflict there – my morals – and also the fear of getting an infection or having a baby. And I realise this was another trick of the mind. I was following the mind desires. This way of living seems and make you beLIEve that you are free, but you aren´t, you are a puppet of your mind, you are still in a mind-trick and that´s what I decided not to investigate more about this and I had many opportunities….virtual and physical….this way of living it´s another illusion….

And, I mean, that´s not the freedom I want. Being free of the feeling/emotion of attaching to someone, of wanting someone as possessing them…cutting his wings because I want to retain them in my life, and also the other way around. Mind feels alone. Mind wants to have that person near you all the time and its cool, it´s nice and it´s how relationships are nowadays and I don´t want that. I like the idea, and I have always put that idea in my head that, I as an individual person don´t “need” anyone by her side because I am complete – I am not looking for my other half, I know we came alone in this world and we are dying alone, but in fact human beings has the need of comunicating, of sharing and complementing with someone and so, deciding to have a partner cause I want to create a team with that person, both agreeing that we will say everything no matter what and in a way being exclusive cause I won´t be searching for anyone else….

So, well, yeah, that´s what Agreements are for. Desteni has explained this point a lot. And I like it. It´s an agreement and both people as partners establish the rules and what they are expecting from each other–yes, as a team.

I just have that idea – the one I wrote in the beginning of the blog – cause I was feeling alone right now. Alone as the mind. Here in my room with any ideas or motivations for going outside alone to enjoy me as other days.

I never had a close person in my life such as a boyfriend. I had to develop the strenght or the ability I guess of not requiring anyone to do the things I want to do – as going out to the movies or to eat or to have fun. I always wanted to have a person – just one – to be my partner in all the things I do and discover day by day. Its tough because I just have to imagine how it would be to have a person like this. So , today was that kind of days where I wanted someone physically here. I just want to know the experience because I have never had it. LOL… so many years and I haven´t had a single stable relationship…well…I feel weird yes, but how the things are in the world I didn´t wanted to relate with a person just for having an empty relation as my friend´s/family relationships where all the starting points in having those are because they feel empty/alone, or because the movies are a great influence on desiring to have those programmed experiences…or they have to have a relationship because they are getting old….nah! I hate that…! I want a real relationship. And has been a journey to stablish an agreement with myself and I know what I want and what I don´t want.

:) cool I feel less inmersed in my mind and standing in common sense

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaArias » 19 Aug 2016, 00:32

Day # 323 — Tarzan Movie Review
Yesterday I saw the movie Tarzán – the new one . When I saw the poster on the malls and on the movie theater I really didn´t felt attracted to watch it.

Usually this happens when I react upon movies I finally love when I watch them.

So, before you continue reading – I have to say this contains spoilers – LOL !

The poster says shows the name of the movie and also the legend “Human Nature” and this is what the movie showed. The deception of the Human nature in many ways; violence, wanting to have power and profit using people as slaves to obtain it. The “bad guy” was using citizens of Congo to built a train to traffic ivory and gold.

It was funny when this guy tells Tarzan´s wife that he was afraid of him cause he was very savage – lol! Savage nowadays is to describe someone that is connected with all of life, that are not participants of the current system. Cause this guy indeed was a savage using people to obtain their personal benefits, a total nasty men wanting to control and abuse! So sad humans are like that, dissapointing indeed.

Tarzan , his wife and a guy who wanted to expose this abuse went to Congo and they started being persecuted by the bad guy cause also a boss of another colony of “savages” in congo wanted Tarzan and in return he was going to be payed with gold.

I enjoyed the movie a lot cause Tarzan was connected with the animals and he was one with them in understanding the way they communicate – there´s a scene when Tarzan see a group of lions and they recognized them and he got close to them to touch them and it was very cute! Also another scene when he and his friend see a group of elephants and Tarzan tell him that they, with their look showed you a lot of tender and wisdom, it elevated my soul a lot, cause people has forgetten to connect that way with life and animals and they just want to fight and control people and to kill everything and anyone human see as a threat.

The scene I liked a lot is when Tarzan called all the animals in the jungle to fight against the humans and so free all the slaves – wow! was great. Humans and animals standing together as one to stop human nature!

I want to also connect with life and with it finding solutions and so stand and stop human nature in some many ways. I want to continue having – because I consider I am still innocent and I want people to stop following their nasty nature and so we can respect each others and do things that can lift ourselves as life and to take care of others!


I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feed human nature in following my mind as desires and as emotions and feelings that feed ego instead of standing in each moment of every breath to assist me as life and to assist others and search for solutions.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to use comunication as a way to gain profit and to obtain a benefit for me based in ego and not considerating others in this.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to allow separation with me when I say I don´t like to live in this planet cause there are a lot of violence and also using my words to say that humans are horrible without realising that withing this statements I am separating myself from the human I am and I am not looking for solutions and I am feeding this human nature I react upon.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within humans and to think I am different and special cause I am not like them, instead of realising that indeed I am a human being and I am still programmed with human nature and I still feed that – I am not special – but, I can in every moment make the decision of not following this nature and raise upon my systems and stand as an example for this world as giving solutions to assist myself as others in equality and oneness for the best of everyone and everything.

I commit myself to make a better world starting with myself and exposing my mind always assisting myself with SF, and correcting myself in every moment

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaArias » 19 Aug 2016, 00:34

Day – 324 — Self-Forgiveness / Calming my self
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel fed up about all the things I am doing right now and deciding to stop writting and assisting myself with this process cause I perceived in my mind it was not helping me at all and feeling that anything helps me to do a reasonable change for my life and mostly that I am wasting time in trying to change and convincing myself I was not changing but only making me a fool again.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to think I am fooling myself within Desteni process and to think and believe that this won´t help me at all cause I am not the kind of person that will change as others cause at this stage of my life I haven´t done anything important and relevant as other people.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel fed up within process and wanting to drop it again and to start doing what I want far away from trying to change me and others and moving myself to change the world.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel and to think about in dropping the process and not doing it anymore cause I feel that this is not going to change anything in my life and in the world and it´s just only another trick of the system as the spirituality and methaphysics and all the groups I attended before this one.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need and desire to stop worrying about channging and walking another path – such as making money to party and to know boys and maybe girls and to live what I have never lived and to feed my ego and my human nature.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am wasting my time and there´s not solution for me cause I am a bad person – within this, I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am a bad person and that´s why I am living what I am living in my present life. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to consider my life as a punishment for maybe doing bad things in my other life and so, I am living the consequences here.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to put people into their limits, bothering them and fighting with them and wanting to bother them to feel I am better than them.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe I am not useful at all and I never will be a person that can do greater things; no matter how people tell me I am a great person – I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am not good enough.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to compare to others and to feel less than others.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel ugly, fat, different than the rest and that people that will get to know me better will abandon me at some point cause they will realise I am not what they thought about me.

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaArias » 19 Aug 2016, 00:34

Day # 325 — More Self-Forgiveness
834e6961bff7a0957ac985022f98a2ccI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have doubts of me and my process within my life and within Desteni: I realise, see and understand I am where I have to be due to the decisions I have made and I don´t regret anything.

I commit myself to stop doubting and to keep walking and pushing myself to make this life time an assistance for me and others and to keep making me stronger and reaching my utmost potencial

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fedupness, to think and believe this feeling is real and so feeding it and giving my power away to this system inside me. When and as I see myself participating in feeling fedup and tired of my actual experience here in earth – I breath and I bring myself back to the physical where I can go to walk and realise this is not real and I am here as one as equal to everyone with the same opportunities so I have to decide to make them real and to work for having a better experience far away from mind-sets and programs in my head. I have to move myself in the physical cause that´s the only thing is real and the only solution is to walk through everything – through all my resistances and fears and in doing so I can see, realise and understand all what I feel, think and believe is not real – those are ilussions and chemical reactions in my head.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my emotions and feelings are real, but also to not realise that the solution is not running away from them, or to deny them – cause well, indeed I am those systems – but are not real in the way that are just mind sets inside me and the way I can stop them is knowing that I am them and instead of running away the best thing is to walk through them to have a better understanding of it.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire of seeing a big change in me so I can really say to myself I am changing. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself not to realise that changes doesn´t occur in a night: it´s a process, is a slow process and the results are not big aslike happen to be in the movies, changes are little but strong and I can see them if I am not in my mind worried and focused all the time in desiring to see a big change – I have to relax. So, when and as I see myself worrying I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here to enjoy the ride

I forgive for accepting and allowimng myself to feel worried, anxious in seeing quick results than in enjoying the process and the ride and to blame external situations for the slow progress I am having – instead of realising that the progress only concerns to me and in the decisions I have made in my life where I have been distracting in wanting to be another person while I know who I am and what I have to do.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel attracted to false images, personalities and ways of living that are not what I really am because I don´t want to realise I still compare to others but most of all I still don´t want to take responsability and to take control of me due to fears.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking alone.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to have fear inside me because I still want to experience things I haven´t experienced and I think that being in this process I won´t feel like other people when they fall in love or when they are living their lifes – I realise, see and understand that I will in fact LIVE more within every experience I will have cause I will be present in every way and I won´t be programmed by others, I will be self-directed and no one will deceive me and I won´t be creating consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in regrets. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have wasted my life cause I haven´t lived the same experiences as others. I see, realise and understand that yes, I am one and equal with others but my decisions make me different and I am an individual and I have decided a lot of time ago not to feed the same patterns and to know how this world works so now I have the knowledge and the opportunity to keep assisting myself and others in not feeding the same lies.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am not living what I deserve to live.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that If I am thinking I deserve more I have to move myself to create more and to do more for me and for other people

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/feel that I cannot do more cause everything I start doing doesn´t results in what I want – in this, I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to keep wanting to have quick results with less effort and this is the answer I have to work hard, be consistent, and have goals.

I commit myself to work hard and to stop thinking and believing I will get things with low effort.

I commit myself to work hard to develop consistency in me and in my life. be continued…

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaArias » 19 Aug 2016, 00:35

I wrote in my past blog about this point and certain things had been happening in my life within these days in relation to realise I have to take risks and I have to effort myself harder and get the things I want.

I feel stronger and clear within what I have to do. I want to make cool things with my life. I am going to make it simple as possible. In fact I don´t need a lot of things. The other day I realised that indeed I don´t need a big house or a fancy car – I could forget about the car because I can move on buses and by myself walking to get to the places I want, but it´s okey I will see another car in my life – I don´t need to buy a lot of stuff; just the tools I need to have a decent life. But what I like the most is traveling, going outside, seeing new things, meeting new people and culture – just that. Going out !!

And for this I have to make a great effort in my life, I have to take risks, move myself and create all from nothing. I need money of course but I am decided to not get that money from a normal job! I want to be my own boss and I want to have a “job” I enjoy having that allows me to be free and to do the things I want when I want it. And I know it can be possible. There´s a lot of things I want to achieve and reach. I know it will take time and slowly but surely I will make it happen.

So I suggest taking a fetus position about yourself and start being born to this world again with all its mistakes and fuck ups – ACCEPT it, become RESPONSIBLE for EVERYTHING that is here, and then you can change it, that’s the KEY to CHANGE: RESPONSIBILITY – Bernard Poolman

I start this decision with changing/assisting my body in making excercise and in taking care of it deciding what to eat and what not. It has been tough cause I am programmed to eat what I want based on desires and needs of my mind and energy and not in what my body requires. And since 2 or 3 years ago I decided to change this patterns and I have been making changes. But today I decided to make that decision harder and I will pay attention to the meals I do in the day.

This is the base of everything I want to do with my life, cause it´s like a practice. Making things happen in my physical and making me stronger and consistent.

I don´t want to be thin only because I want to look good and enjoy my body but also because I want to be healthy and to have a healthy way of life. I realise that many of my food patterns and behaviours are done to fulfill desires and needs I don´t have in the physical like for example love and affection. I search for that affection in food and I realise I have to be that love, care and affection in the physical, so that I can look for things in the external realm that fills that lack I have inside me.

So, there are words that I have to live as myself – ( I will discover more I know ) but these are the first ones I have to work on myself

I am developing consistency:) and I feel proud of myself. The reward of that is seeing changes in my life. Although I am not doing this for a reward in terms of feedin my human nature but I will have a reward yes cause I will enjoy what I am sowing

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel discouraged when things are not resulting the way I want in the moment or in a very small amount of time instead of realising that everything take time and is not very common to see results in the firsts hours or days or starting a decision – everything takes time like when a seed is planted in the soil, the flower/plant/fruit etc is not going to flourish in a night, it takes time and dedication, among other things – so, I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel impatient and wanting that everything I do have an inmediate result.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anxiety and in impatience while working on something and wanting to see results in the next day. I see, realise and understand that everything takes time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate time with nervousness/anxiety and impatience and to feel/think/believe that time is my enemy and I am wasting me.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel, think and think that time is my enemy and that I have to win time.

When and as I see myself participating in anxiety and wanting to have inmediate results and struggling within seeing a quick result in my reality not letting things to grow and develop – I breathe, I stop, I bring myself back here and I calm myself down,realising that I am indeed making a big change in starting to walk something I am committed to and of course it will make results.

I see, realise and understand that time is just in my mind

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaArias » 14 Dec 2016, 21:25

Since I walk away from process and I began to walk alone based on ego and several back-chats like ” I can do this on my own” / “I just want to relax and have fun/not belong to anyone and be free” and just do my shit and in doing that I was abdicating my responsability in so many things. I just needed a job and I have it and I let all the other responsabilities away although I saw the consequences I was going to make. As I said within these days that I have been writting many many points arises within and as me and I began to face a lot of things I didn´t liked about myself and what I was accepting and allowing. Many many self-abuse in following new patterns and behaviours based on not wanting to face again the things I was facing and also being harder on others and in myself due to not wanting anyone to abuse me. In that I was abusing myself. And I have seen nasty things in me and also in others and I wasn´t like this before.

I have read my previous blogs also and they are full of stupidity and any kind of common sense….I am hard on myself maybe but I want to apply myself – in this I know I will have more responsabilities and I will face more and more things but I want it, because I don´t want to be a fake person anymore, I want to be real, I want to achieve real things, keep knowing real people and to be practical and to do live my life to the fullest.

I will start again with questions….the first one is

Who am I ?
Who am I? , that´s a question that can be read easily but at the moment of responding it…I cannot say anything. Who am I. I experience an inside movement of me like being like suprised to don´t know what to answer. I am a human indeed, I am here, I breathe, I am healthy and I am what the outer world has made of me and also what I have accepted within that program inside me. I have build myself upon to what my mother had tought me, what my friends has perceived about me. Interesting I feel the urge to consult google for this answer lol! In the past I knew who I was. So, placing me as the one I was I am a person that is in constant change, investigating within every instant how can I make my world better and I have had the opportunities – I have taken that opportunities and also – I have gave up to keep searching to that opportunities. I can say that the more I know the more I realise I don´t know anything about me. LOL. but like I have always known inside me – since I was born in this planet – and that´s why I am here in this moment is that I want to make this world a better place. I am doing the world a better place? No, I haven´t done it because I have abdicated my responsability so many times. I am ashamed but I will stop being hard on my self. I always do that. And now , I am where I want to be, and I want to be the real me mixed with the things I have enjoyed while I was lost in being a rebel. I won´t follow the ideas I had about being hedonist ( LOL) or being pollyamorous ( or whatever ) I know I had this interests in experiencing that but no, it´s boring….I know what I have to do and this it´s not the way I will assist me. I have to be decided to one path and so my self won´t be splitted in 2 parts

I am a human walking within this life, dedicated to make a change within and as myself as a mind conciousness system to re-birth myself and to live among people that wants to create a change. To make my world a better world I have to live the principles I have learned since I was born and since I discover Desteni and continue walking it and sharing and being congruent within and as me and I haven´t been one and equal. I have served 2 masters…my mind…as my 2 facebook accounts has shown – where I had the process part but I used my free time to create more consequence and of course I was being fake with me and not changing anything in an honest way.

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Re: Jessica´s Journey to Life

Postby JessicaArias » 14 Dec 2016, 21:26

I had a dream where I was helping an old woman / that in my dream was an aunt but it seemed like my grandmother/ to get off the stairs and I grabbed her by the arm and I was assisting her and then I saw her falling, slipping of my hands and he fells into the ground and she hit in her hips and I saw myself lifting her and I say the hips were out of her place while I was asking her ” are you okey” and she replied that “yes, I am but she has a face of being not quite right”, I saw this and I felt so bad and guilty and I started screaming, almost going crazy about that and I wake up inmediately. This was very interesting and helpful because these point of feeling “guilty” and “responsible” were moving inside me within these days and they are prominent points within my life. I have worked with them but I participate in them instead of directing them and of course they will come again to me within and as any experience or situations that comes up.

I forgive for accepting and allowing mysef to participate in emotions of guilt when something goes wrong for example in helping or assisting someone I participate in the thoughts and feelings of feeling responsable for the outcome of that help/assistance and I then go to the polarity of doing the right/or the wrong thing; all this caused by the desire/want to be accepted and to be perfect and so people can feel proud of me if everything goes well and if not I go into feeling guilty and so feeling awful due to not being capable of doing what I was supposed to do in the correct way. WIthin this I forgive for accepting and allowing myself not to direct myself outside of my mind in not going into fear and perceptions and in self-abuse not trusting myself in assisting others and giving my best to support/assist. I see, realise and understand that guilt it´s not real is part of my mind. When and as I see myself participating in guilty emotions I breathe and I bring myself here back to myself where I direct myself in the moment so I cannot create consequence withing an activity in for example not distracting myself and giving all my attention and presence to what is here as me, so I can prevent mistakes, but If I do them I can inmediately correct them instead of assesing the mind mechanisms of running away or feeling diminished and participating in emotions and feelings that will cause self-abuse and so consequence.

I forgive for accepting and allowimg myself to feel guilty if something goes wrong and not in the way I have planed, even If I am within a group of people helping or assisting I feel that I can make a mistake in any moment and all responsabiliy it´s going to be mine so I will dissapoint everyone and myself for not being able as others to for example pay attention to the task/activity /information I have or I am working in, and so I participate in a lot of turmoil inside me cause my intention was to help not to abuse and cause consequence, so, I decide before doing things to help/assist not get involved because I don´t want to feel guilty and responsable if I don´t do something right. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to think/feel/believe I will do mistakes within a task/activity etc and so whenever an opportunity comes to do an activity or a task or a job I participate in fears and in insecurity inside myself that limits me from moving myself and get involved in what I want to do and so expand myself to learn more things and to assist.

I forgive for not accepting and allowing myself to realise see and understand that I am accepting self-abuse in giving power to my mind in emotions and feelings instead of acting and moving myself to change patterns and behaviours once and for all instead of letting things to compound and follow growing instead of making a decision to say I stop” and I will change now and not go into suppression and fear and judgements within and as me and so isolating myself from what I have to do within and as me and my life and assist me and others and take action.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and responsable when I see this lady in my dream falling down even if I was there to help her going down the stairs and participating in a lot of emotions as feeling lost and going crazy to see her hurt by my fault and these was what made me open my eyes and wake up . I realise see and understand I keep blaming myself from things I cannot handle and I cannot understand and I know I won´t understand it fully cause there´s not just one answer to my questions there are a lot of variables and I am just participating in obssession/back chats wanting to know exactly why they are happening. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to participate in turmoil inside me because I want to reach perfection within and as myself and not making any mistake and walk within my life doing the correct things and not be taken as a bad person.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to go into obssesion when a situation does not go into the way I have planned and so I review every word, every step I took in my mind repeteadly in wanting to find an answer and in feeling so calm and in peace.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself for wanting/desire others to tell me if I took the correct decision and wanting them or any other external source to tell me a definitive answer so I can remain calm within myself and so stop all the turmoil and backchats instead of me doing that – directing myself to stop and to have common sense in that nowone can have a direct answer because there are not a correct/incorrect way to do things, we are all learning/investigating ourselves in our processes. When and as I see myself participating in this emotions and feelings I bring myself back here to my physical and all I can do is having self-trust and breathing not participating in any kind of energy and let things to settle and work with all the emotions/feelings that are arising within and as me and so direct them and stop them. In developing self-trust as emotional intelligence I can be here stable working with real things/points and not with perceptions and going into my mind.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to be perfect – I see, realise and understand that perfection doesn´t exists, it´s only the desire of the mind based in ego.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to be in control always so my emotions and feelings cannot screw everhything I do – I see, realise and understand this is not possible, it´s process; where I have to work with my emotions and feelings walk through them to be one and equal to them so I can stabilize my self in relation to them. It´s a behavioural process.

When and as I see myself participating in turmoils inside me due to the things I can´t control – I breathe, I say to myself STOP! and I bring myself back here- I stop being hard on myself. I commit myself to work in these to channel all this into a life expression where I can enjoy every part of myself and stop self-abuse

I will continue …

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