Day # 320 — Borderline Personality
https://jessicalifejourney.wordpress.co ... rsonality/
I still feel ashamed of sharing this. I feel people might be scared or not wanting to talk to me anymore. I prefer to design a better personality so can people can be around me without saying “oh yes, she is sick” I am not sick. It´s not who I am, I am not a monster.
How this disorder started?
I don´t know how started. I guess since always due to feeling I didn´t fit in this world. I felt I was different. So, I have shared in my blog why this all started and how I developed myself a unstable self-image caused by the manifested consequences of my lack of responsability in accepting and allowing others to bully me and so I started to be my own bully and my own dictator. Then my unstable relationships cause I am not very social due to the fear of being hurt. I am very very sensitive. How people treats me and how they react to me is a big point. Although now, since I find Desteni I have been developed more self-security in me and I don´t care how others see me or treat me, but inside me I still care why I was not accepted as good as other friends in this “society”. I grew up feeling I was wrong and I was ugly due to being fat and dumb due to worrying about animals, and having sensitivity. Also I am very impulsive,…or I was. Lol. I am correcting myself in that a lot. Controlling my impulses due to my changes of humor and the way I feel around people reactions and “energy” in certain places/people.
Why the doctors saw in me a BPD?
Well, I was depressed all day, had changes in my humor and I started to cut myself. So this are the principle points that get me into that type of disorder. Also my interaction with people is not normal…cause I tend to fear them or I don´t feel excited to know new people cause they can be rude and nasty so Why I should have “friends”? Also I was feeling attracted to do activites that gave me adrenaline rushes, as driving fast or buying compulsively.
Another point is fear of abandonment. I guess the breaking point was when my grandmother died, I felt alone. Although my mother is alive and I have a great relationship with her; I felt I was being abandoned and also when I knew this boy I liked a lot and he didn´t wanted to be my friend anymore I felt very sad and fearful.
Of course these was experiences that made the bomb explode cause I was always supressing all and not wanting to talk and expose what was happening to me I always said I felt okey with several kind of rejections and not living what I wanted to live. I wanted to be as my friends – I wanted to have a cool body and I wanted to be popular, to go out with boys I liked and instead of that they saw me as a friend or as a fat girl they wanted to laugh at. Lol., just as in the movies, i was just another statistic.
My last relationship with a boy that didn´t wanted to have a serious relationship was helpful for me to face myself. I experienced feeling anxious if he didn´t writed/replied soon. I felt I was doing something wrong. I felt panic in thinking that he didn´t wanted to talk to me anymore, such as the panic attacks I had in the other relationship. I also had several impulses and I pushed him away several times. I had a lot of conflict cause he didn´t wanted to be in just one relationship, he was going out with married women and I didn´t liked that but I wanted to keep him. It was very intense, but of course it was a great assistance for me. I learned a lot, as I said I faced myself in many ways and he stood by my side although I was very messed up. My attempts to keeping him as just a friend didn´t helped. Indeed I miss him but was all a consequence of what I did.
But, as I say I see this experience as a great and valuable assitance for me in revealing me and so that´s why I started writing again, I don´t want to repeat all this and hurt people and keep them away and also I don´t want to be another person with a mental issue. I know all this was created by me and this disorder is about behaviours and so I have to change my behaviours and correct them.
I have correcting a lot. The first one was cutting myself. I don´t do this anymore cause I don´t like to see my skin with this marks – although I don´t have many as other people I have seen in the internet I don´t want to continue abusing my body.
So this personality disorder is how I have created myself due to not being there/here for me and letting the external things/people/experiences to control me. I know I am strong. And I will continue this process of developing strenght and love to my self. So, this personality is not who I am.
I have read that researches doesn´t know how this is created, they imagine at the childhood stages and how one self starts developing in relationships – so yes, I can tell this starts with how you enter in your environment. People/experiences in this world can be terryfing to kids. Some are very sensitive as me and I didn´t treat people based on how they look or how they talk etc. People has to be more considerate. I am not saying I was a victim of course, also I didn´t wanted to face people due to the fear of confrontation and then loosing them
Well, I will continue posting more about this experience and how I have been supporting me in correcting my behaviours. I see them as a pre-programmed design that triggers now and then, so, not me – and I can just be here and embrace me while the storm goes by and stop letting that storm destroy everything and everyone near me.