raul journey to life

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Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 05 Sep 2018, 14:30

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... rstanding/

Day 119 – Reacting vs understanding

We love when we understand things. We see the situation with a clear vision, from a detached perspective, where we are able to look at things from a bigger picture. And we love looking at things from a bigger picture, it makes us feel real, with power of creation, we don’t feel defined by anything, we feel our own choice and its effect in this world.

What happens is that we are not made only of understanding, we are made also of reactions. And reactions get in the way of creation. Creation, by its own definition, it’s an unselfish action, that makes this world a better place for everyone. Reactions on the other hand, are made of an empty substance. They are made of justifications, excuses. They believe themselves to be god, simply because they are made of ‘control’, or fear. Reactions, by themselves, give and add nothing to anything, they simply say in a disrespectfull manner “HEY! I EXIST, therefore I AM RIGHT!” And this is what the mind is made of, just, ego. Since I exist, I am right, I don’t need to justify how I am adding anything to the bigger picture, I am an opinion based on only myself which I perceive to be the most important thing in all of the existence, and I should rule over the entire existence, because I am absolute truth, and I need to justify all of this.

Reactions are merely a moment of numbness, like a drug, a mind drug, they posses the person and they take their place instead, and now the person is no longer a person, only an ego based being who believe his opinion to be god. There are a lot of kind of excitements and different drugs in this world, but the bigger one, the most impactfull one, and the one who rules over the rest of drugs, is our mind. And our mind is made of ramifications of thoughts and polarities, and core points of those ramifications, that look like wounds in the physical body, where those ramifications are originated from.

Through self-forgiveness, we clear ourselves from those ramifications, it’s a process that takes physical time which is slow and requires patience. Self-forgiveness is when you say to your own mind, enough, reactions are not supporting me, I justify my reactions because I perceive them to be more than me and be my master, but in fact I am more than my reactions, and I am willing to create something meaningfull in this world, I don’t want to be eternally a being based on opinions and reactions. Through self-forgiveness you say to your own self: I am already free, I am already able to take responsability for myself and my situation, I won’t blame anything or anyone, now I choose who I am, and if I am really who I am, that means that I won’t need to blame or justify or to diminish myself. I need to forgive everyone and everything because the responsability of being who I am was always mine, it was always there, and if I don’t make that choice it will never be done. I must walk that path and be trully free, so I can create and support myself and everyone else. Self-forgiveness implies self-responsability.

A being who is self-responsable, doesn’t need to react. It is just not needed, reacting instead of understanding it’s something meaningless, pointless, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s simply a reaction that you have because you want because you desire it. And what I want to say is that we can all be different individuals from unity, without unity between everyone nothing is going to be possible. Unity is achieved through self-forgiveness, when you realize that you are whole, you are creator and creation. And so is everyone else.

So, reactions dissempower yourself, and mean nothing. They mean you diminishing yourself and then justifing it. Instead of reacting and creating energy that creates mind possesions and conflicts, we could try understanding, and through understanding between one another, we would realize that everything is possible. We must stop living focused on self-interest, it’s something which is better for everyone.

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Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 11 Sep 2018, 17:55

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... g-in-love/

Day 120 – The experience of falling in love

I am going to explain things simply as they are.

We men, when we see a woman, we can see beauty or not see it. Most men get confused by it, because since it's a force, we get missleaded, and basically end up believing that this woman is beautiful because she is blonde, or because she has atractive curves. These are things that seem something, but the more you look at what it 'seems', the less important it becomes. And you end accepting that, the beauty of a woman it's not found in the way 97% of men judge that by.

What I first do, is stop all the things that a woman 'seems', and then look at who she is. For that I look at two places, her mind and her face. It really is all that takes to know a person. If the woman has a certain mind, inmature, which still needs development, I will try to help the person. Not like I will 'try', my door is simply open for her, in case she is interested on having an interesting conversation which brings growth for both of us. When I look at the mind I don't want to get benefit of that mind, I don't to think to myself 'I could receive a lot from this mind in a relationship', no. I don't look for something that fits in me, that supports my own mind, and in the hards times, the times of growuth, it tells me "it's fine" when I know deep within myself that it's not. I want a challence, for both of us, something that I can work with, something that is real, and will always be with me no matter what, because it was never about us being together and satisfied within our minds, it was about who we are as a person, and who we are becoming.

Then I look at the face, and the way we men see woman, within the context of relationships, it's simply like if you saw something beautiful. Like when you have fun with a friend, or sing a song, or write a blog, or love your pet, or enjoy your food, or see the rain or whatever. It's just something beautiful, and you don't know what it is but it is alive within you. It's like if something was awaken now within you, and with it you are able to express your own life.

Because of the nature of this essential part of life, I decided that I would always remain as myself. Always. And I'd be prepared for anything. If I don't do that, if I sell myself to the relationship, if I allow it to change who I am, then I know things will have and end. I know I lied to myself, I knew it and I allowed it to be more than me, and then I created my own fear, my own enslavement. This is something important for me, for my life, that's why the woman must be able to support the true expression of each individual.

That's why I decided to do this blog in first place, because within my own process of life I have changed who I am towards relationships. Relationships are there for me to express who I am within myself, not to go there blindly and enjoy and abuse and believe that this energy is me and it's going to be forever with me and blablabla. These are words that we humans say, even if they don't exist, when we make the act of selling our mind to a relationship.

Now the purpose of this blog is to express who would I be if I felt that my life is connected to another life through a relationship, one that I have decided for myself. The words I'd live would be something like: ecstatic, lovely, happy, relaxed, secure, certain, powerfull, free, expressive.

Now what I am going to do, is reduce this experience to just one word, "Expressive".

And now I am going to learn how to live this word within my life, because I am already here within me, I have all that I need to delevop myself, I live freely, I am a joyfull person, I am honest and I stand in my own ground.

I can fall in love with myself, a little bit, I can appreciate myself for who I am, and recognize who I am, and allow myself to express myself without fear, with inner-trust, with my heart.

I just can, so I will.

Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 12 Sep 2018, 13:52

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... self-love/

Day 121 – The responsability of self-love

For me, loving myself it’s a very big, complex experience. It’s not something that happens in a moment, or something suddenly gifted to you by the grace of god, it’s something that you create, manifest, and take care of each day of your life, and it involves a lot of different factors, and if any of them starts failing, I may start failing to myself, and then one day I’ll wake up and I won’t know who I am, or what I am living towards.

And I don’t mean to be in the extreme of living only towards something all the time, but we are certainly living to create something for us which is forever, that we then can share with the rest of the people. That experience for me, involves a lot of focus and commitment.

Eating healthy, doing physical exercice, learning how to be better in my job, meditating and letting everything that my mind consists of in a moment go, cleaning my house and having everything in place, taking care of my pet, having meaningfull interactions with my friends, revisiting my past memories to see if they still influence myself, managing my money, expanding in my job and my proffesional opportunities, studing, learning from my dreams, checking the quality of my sleep, playing the guitar and singing for fun, organizing my mind.

So these are some of the things my life consits of, these are things that I devote my life to, because I want my life to mean something for me, and I’d like one day to give to this world my own part, that I have created from zero, which adds something to the final outcome of all humanity. For me life is not about being the best I can to beat others to be better than them and gain more money and be in a better position and then have the hottest girlfriend who adds 0 value for me as a person but I still love her because she is hot and she is only with me because of my money or power and she will never in fact, know who I really am. So no. Yes I am in this world, but no I don’t live to be better than others. I don’t care if someone believes that I won’t achieve as many things as you because you have ego and hurt people and that makes you able to take their part, we have different paths, sharing is something that exists in human life, and you can be sure of something, my starting point takes everything and everyone into consideration, my starting point is the starting point of life, something which I can not deny, because then it wouldn’t matter how much I achieve, I would not gain anything.

So, going back to the topic, my life consists of a lot of things. What happens is that if I start failing to 1 of my obligations, then I could fail to the second, and third. And then I end being beaten up by own mind, and I am isolated within my own mind, and now I don’t exist towards my purpose in my life. Now I no longer decide for myself, I simply try to exist in a mind lazy addiction which does not care about potential, only about what is good in the moment and makes me relax.

And I don’t like to give up on my own life, because it does not make me happy. What it makes me happy and able to express myself and my life is to know that I have integrity and I am doing everything I can for myself and my own development. And then if I do that, I can express a part of myself and know that it’s real, and it’s justified. If not, I am lying to you, I am creating cool words, or cool experiences, or lessons, that in my life I am not living and they mean nothing to anyone.

So this is the commitment that self-love consists of. To achieve it, simply don’t give up on yourself, and you’ll see that you get unexpected rewards from it.

And that’s everything, keep it up and it will be up!

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Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 14 Sep 2018, 15:19

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... he-mirror/

Day 122 – Who are you when you look at yourself in the mirror

I was just thinking about this question and looking at myself in the mirror, and asking myself who really am I.

I started writing in this blog the first time because I thought it was cool, and it was a way to express myself. In my life back then I barely had ways to express myself, I only had music and 90% of the songs I play are depressive, I have noticed that recently. My point is, in this blog I don’t show to myself who I am, in this blog I share the cool part, the part that supported me make the decition of expressing myself through writing. That part is very interesting, because it fundamently is more than me, it even forgives me things that I am not ready yet to forgive myself because I still blaming myself. So I have come to accept that yes, my cool part is one part of myself, it’s not the totallity of who I am, but it is a part of me, because I can talk from there, and I am different.

In this blog I share the moments and realizations that mean something to me. However, I was looking at the mirror, at my reflection and asking myself, who am I? Who do I really see in me? And I could easily say it, because it is always there. I saw an ugly, unworthy, fearfull, anxious person. I saw something which is not cool, but yet it is who I am. It is because it is who I allow myself to perceive myself as. I also saw how in my life, the people around doesn’t know how to support/love me. And the people that do, are only a few in comparation to the big ammount of people who does not support me. And I realized, that nobody of the people around, not even the people with good intentions, is able to love me or understand me. Why? Because any of them has forgiven him/her self. That means that they will never be able to forgive me, if they don’t know how to forgive themselves they don’t know how to forgive another, and I will never hear a sincere ‘hey, you are doing it fine, I see it, keep it up’ it will never happen because even in the best moments we have together, they are only able to say to me, hey you do suck, but I suppose it is not that bad. And this happens simply because one can not do for another, what he has not done to himself yet. This realization about self-forgiveness made me feel like if I was alone, very alone, and actually that was cool. Because I am tired of listening to people, it’s not a good decition. Self-forgiveness it’s not about self-forgiveness itself, it is about our life, about what we give to others. So everybody knows perfectly what self-forgiveness is. And nobody cares.

Then people use my weak spots, the same spots I have revealed to them because I don’t hide them, I am a natural person, to make me react, to try to enslave me, to judge me and to make feel bad, like if they themselves were perfect you know? When actually they know nothing about perfection, only about supporting the mind that enslaves humans beings, and they develop that skill to see where in themselves and in the rest of the people they can release more energy. They answer questions simply to not be wrong, to not lose, and they will protect that lie with their lifes.

I revealed myself to you not because I wanted to be judged and insulted, but because I wanted to show it to this world, and say hey! Look I have no fear! Perhaps we can then both grow from it forgive it and let it go! But, instead? I was insulted, betrayed, I lost social status because I didn’t pretend to be perfect like everybody pretends. So I have learnt that it is not good to say to any of these kind of people who I really am. To be absolutely closed is the best for me, since I will only get hurt if I try to do anything. And anyway, why do I ask for people to support my own self-forgiveness if i am not yet the perspn who has forgiven himself?

So, I am taking out everything that has happen in relation to these people, and from now on I live myself alone, as I was already doing in fact, just that now I won’t have to deal also with the processes of the rest of the people.

Back to the topic, in the mirror I saw those two me’s, one that only exists within myself, and another that, basically has been supported by almost all the people I have known.

And so, what I wanted to share is that I know who I really am, I am not dening that for a single second, not anymore, I am living with who I am, next to myself, if I think all those bad things about myself, that’s fine, it’s what I think of me, I am glad I am not dening it, I am glad I am not pretending to be somebody I am not, I want to be conected to who I am. Why? Because I can then simply live, and see who am I going to be in this life, I can develop my potential of being, I can show to myself that there is a purpose why I am alive, and it’s not anything separated, from me, it is my own purpose. And fear is scary, but it starts with self-acceptance.

Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 18 Sep 2018, 01:43

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... n-3-weeks/

Day 123 – What a cat has taught me in 3 weeks

I’ll try to explain the whole story as briefly as possible.

The first time I saw the kitty, I felt a subconciouss rejectment towards him. I don’t know if it was because he was a baby, or because he was a baby cat. But his movements, they were so slow and dumb, so cute, that something in me felt like, okay I am not interested in you, I want nothing to do with you. It wasn’t like I literally said those words in my mind, but it was the ‘vibe’ of it.

But, I had made the decition of adopting a cat, and after making sure that I would be able to provide everything for him to have a happy life, I was determined, and it would be a new experience for me.

I had too many concerts back then, so I told the woman who was taking care of him to plays take care of him until I end the season in half a month. She gladly did. This made me feel a bit dissapointed, because I was interested on having the kitty from a very young age, as young as possible, and I even thought about looking for other kitties. Even saw the picture of one.

But it just, didn’t feel right, I knew that something was waiting for me in the cat I had already seen, it just didn’t fit in my mind to now change to another cat, even if he was younger and cutter. So I decided I would still commit to my cat and not change the destiny of life.

When I went to pick him up he was already 2 months and a half old or so. He was still a kitty, but he was on his way to become a young cat.

I had made up my mind to serve this cat with my maximun level of care, and that’s quite a lot for the mind body and soul of a cat. So from the first moment the kitty left his home, I tried to be his support, I showed to him how my voice sounds like, I wanted him to feel he had nothing to worry about.

The first days I introduced the kitty to its new home, I played with him a lot, and I started treating him like my new pet, like if he was a dog. After having a friendly dog for more than 8 years, and not knowing how cats exist, my first form of interaction with him was just like with a dog, because I wanted to create some kind of relationship between pet-owner, and I believed that this was the way it was done with cats.

The second day the cat was at home, he purred his first time towards me. I remember not knowing what it was, and I remember the look in his eyes. He didn’t know me, we didn’t have any trust, and when he purred at me and I looked at his eyes, he was like, sharing something with me but, in such a way! The best way to describe is like when you have fear of saying to someone that you love him, but you still want to do it and you do it, and not only that, you stop having fear, you unify with your truth and you say what you feel in the most sincere way. That same look a human has when he does that and he is pure and vulnerable, it’s what I saw in the eyes of my cat. I obviously accepted and I tried to show him my support, even if I didn’t really know what a cat desires back then.

Since the first night, the cat always sleeps with me, and the change I felt at my home before the cat and after the cat, was quite meaningfull. I felt like, if something was alive within me, an experience I can not define with words, I felt healthy, pure, new, empowered.

We started building the relationship we have today, and I didn’t know I would have to learn a lot. This cat showed everything to me. He educated me. I would always go to him wanting something, desiring, I could not stop it. I wanted something from the cat, and if he was a dog, we would have have it, this exange of energy, real energy that happens. But everytime I would go to the cat, I would not receive what I was expecting for.

And then one day, I learnt how to treat a cat, by looking at the way he purrs. It’s like, he is alive, a living cat, and he has a lot of life inside of him, so his life sometimes reaches a point where he is shining, literally, inside of him. Everything under controll! All okay! But, I am a cat and I am perceiving everything at once inside of me and my life wants me to express it right now. But I don’t even express it, it is expressed through me, beyond me, I remain as myself. And then, the cat comes to you, but don’t get confused, he is not coming to you, you will not receive and he will not give, he is what he is.

But he still comes, because even if he won’t actively give and share something with me, he wants to be close to me, he doesn’t want to be alone, he prefers if I am around, if I pay attention to him and I look at what is happening inside of him. We don’t know what that is, it’s the flow of a cat’s live being experienced by him in a moment. And then he comes because he doesn’t want to be alone, and he shares it, but he shares it in such a way. You can not, and should not do anything, you will just ruin the experience for a cat by diminishing yourself, we must learn from the cat. For a cat, you are not allowing life to exist if you start having desires and acting towards something.

For me, the moment the cat purrs and comes to be next to me, I just stop. Everything is going to stop now, and now it’s a moment where I am simply here, looking at what is happening. If you do that, you will receive more. But it will come from yourself, it’s the lesson the cat is sharing with you. It does not come from him. You are responsable for your mind, and only then you both can meet. And you can really, really meet him, you can talk with one another, but aaalways you must remain as yourself, if not you will go backwards.

Then, when you have learnt it, the cat will come, and you will remain as yourself. And you will realize that he is not coming to you, he is not doing it because he is free, he was just passing by, in his own life, and he saw you, and he said hey, I see you, but I am myself, you should too, but I can’t do anything for you, don’t dare even asking me, just learn how to be yourself. And then something very very beautiful can happen, you can both remain free, as yourself, and you can have your moments where you (always remaning as yourself) say hello to each other and see how far you can go within that experience. And this is the lesson cats live and cats show the rest of us. When I look at my cat, I see myself, I see life in a very simple and unique way.

Cats are interesting beings. He always sleeps with me, so one day he did the unexpected, he started smelling my armpit. I thought it was normal and natural, he was just interested on getting to know who he is with. But he, seriously, loves the smell of my armpit, and it got to a point where I thought okay cat, you should now relax maybe you are smelling too hard. So now I try to bring a balance. I have nothing against him smelling me, but he must also remain as himself and not get all filthy with it. He just takes it too far. But, one night something very interesting happened. He started smelling my armpit and then he felt asleep there. And I realized something, my cat had never been with me in such a way. He sometimes would lay down next to me, but it wasn’t like with my dog, where we would just rest together and get energized, my cat would always be laying next to me, but alone, there was nothing going on between us.

So when he fell sleep in my armpit, I noticed something. And maybe it’s just my imagination, but I noticed something. I noticed that I still had a barrier against my cat, the same I had since the day I saw him for the first time, a resistance. I thought about the cat I had next to me, and I saw him in a different way, suddenly he was not my pet, he was an stranger, a random cat, an unknown being who happened to be so, so close to my skin, resting with me like if we were family. And I thought to myself, I can not love you.

But then something happened. It was the first time I felt a real conection with my cat. I realized that cats, like humans, also have a choice in loving you or not. They also choose, they also decide, it’s up to them, and I had not thought about that, never. I hadn’t seen my cat for what he is, a being with his own intelligence, who is alive and feels. And I realized, that the same way I had this resistance, my cat had it too. And I decided that I could love him, and I realized that I do love him more than I think, and I ever thought possible.

And then I felt what I used to feel with my dog, this exange of energy between a human and an animal. It’s like, you are both 1 body because you are conected, and you can talk to the cat and the cat can talk to you, he is alive, you can feel him and he can feel you. I was playing there with him for a while, I showed him something, he showed me something, it was just like that. And he also supported me in my process of life.

And this is all I have to say about my cat, you may not understand my words, but they are real and they mean a lot to me.

Now what awaits for me and my cat it’s a relationship where I will create “The supercat”. It will be basically a cat with superpowers that will rule over the rest of cats lol.


PS: They say that humans adore cats and they are their servants, but I from the first moment felt being adored myself.

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Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 19 Sep 2018, 22:47

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... side-love/

Day 124 – My femenine side, love

I am goint to talk openly and honestly about this. I was not loved during my life, so I didn’t understand what it meant, and it’s a vital part of a duality between masculine/femenine, that I define as responsability/love. I have always thought of love as something achieved, complex, difficult, something which is not universal, something that I don’t even know if I will ever deserve. Growing in this world without love was like doing everything, but doing it for nothing. There was just no Me during all my life, I was getting nothing, I did nothing, and I believed myself to be out there, in some place, far far away. I always chased love, in some way or another, because I had denied it. I would create a lot of experiences within myself, all of them complex creative and cool, but in the end, I never arrived anywhere, there was nothing. But I always chased it, in some way or another, it was something I loved, my own love, I just loved it, I liked it, I knew it was right, but I distanced myself from it at a certain moment of my life, and I was alone. And then one day I was a grown up, and I had all this mind created, just to someday, maybe, at the end, find some love. I projected my own lack of love into my outter world, and I adored my desires, beause they meant something for me, they made me feel loved, complete, my desires were the way for me to get to love. And I idealized the projection of my desires, I could love them so much, because I did not love myself. I could really love them so much, I would give my life for them, the same way I would give my life for the love I had lost. Sometimes I would listen to a song, and this song in one moment was alive within me, and I arrived to love for one moment, for one moment I did not deny it, I simply went there and I felt confortable and secure and something happened within me, but it always happened irrationally, a sudden jump in a moment that happens, because I knew I was love myself, but I didn’t love myself. I did a lot of things because I did not love myself, I didn’t take me into consideration, I did a lot, a lot, probably more than you, and I didn’t know back then that if someday I loved myself I would have to face everything I had done. And so here I am.

What is love? Love is myself, and I am an expressive, direct, perfect, beautiful, alive, bright, realible, true, eternal, compassive, sharing, good, healing, heroic, legendaric, vulnerable, protector, one and equal, person. This is what I am. I don’t care what you think, I don’t care who you are, I don’t care, this is who I am, you can accept it or go away. You will never stop this, never again. I am this. I am this, do you understand?

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Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 22 Sep 2018, 15:59

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... something/

Day 125 – When does love mean something?

First I’d like to say, this text was initially created using the words ‘We’ ‘People’ ‘Ourselves’ ‘you’, but I decide to stick to my own truth, and share my experience as I am individually experiencing it, since I can not talk about the experience of the rest of people, since this blog is about myself.

So I am going to talk about something that exists in me, but yet I don’t really see myself talking about it. And I don’t mean talking about love/sex/relationships/etc, I mean talking about the specific relationship that I have with all of this. I, literally, have never seen myself in my life describe how my entire sex/relationship system works, why? Because I find easy to talk about all the byproducts created from that starting point, but, talking about the starting point itself? Why? For what? It’s my starting point and it’s who I am, so why am I going to talk about it? What’s the point of it?

Well the point of talking about how things really exist in themselves, is to give me a choice. Because, there is something I fundamentally dislike about the nature of me as as a human being that exist through my mind, and it’s that I choose to remain as I am, instead of walking the 2 opposite paths that an experience consists of, and then once I have experienced the 2 of them, decide what of them is real and is aligned with the nature of my life and heart. This hides something which is darker that I may initially think, this hides the fact that I choose to walk a certain path, because I am not free and I do not have a choice to walk the other path, it’s not because I decide it, but because I am possesed by one path that consists of, limitations and controll.

Now this depends on who I am, and what is my purpose. This depends on what I expect from me, what I want to give to myself, this depends on my commitment, this depends on what is really important to me. There are a lot of things important in my life, the biggest of them, is making sure that when I am at the end of my life, I don’t regret my experiences. What is regret made of? Regret is, when I have 2 paths, one that would lead me to the unknown, and one that would lead me to my current experience of being that I live and define myself by, and I then choose to remain as my current experience of being. Simply because it’s my current experience. There is never justification for that, because if I exist, if I am a free human being, if I really exist, I can just walk the 2 paths, experience them for myself, and then come back to say, to the very same self I left behind that still here, what of both paths I prefer and would like to experience myself as. But I choose to remain as I am, because I don’t really have a choice. If I did, I would just walk the 2 opposite paths and find out what is going on. But I don’t do it, because I can’t, because I know deep within myself, that I am not free. I know I don’t have a choice, I just know it when I see and realize that I can’t walk the opposite path of my experience, the path of the unkown, of fredom, of possibly, creation.

And I wanted to talk about sex/relationships. Everybody thinks they understand them, me included, and people are on TV talking about love and everything. Let’s talk about things the way they exist. When I used to say “Love” in the same way I hear it on TV, I meant dopamine rush. Why? Because, it’s the very fundament love is based on: self-interest. If self-interest did not exist, do you think I would still create the relationship with another woman and have sex and feel “in love”? No! I wouldn’t, if I could decide, I would be complete as myself, why would I surrender myself to something and lose a part of me and be slave to it and then chase myself somewhere believing that I am living when I don’t even know who I am? “Love” has been defined throughtout as “lovely”, “sacred”, but is it? It is only based on self-interest. Without self-interest, love does not exist. You can only then say that you are complete and you exist. But, the important point is, why I don’t talk about this in this way? I have had so many chances, why haven’t I? Because there are fundamentally 2 ways to exist in life, that I already defined. I haven’t talked about this specific perspective because I know that I am slave to love, I know that I love it, I love the rush. There is nothing else I love about it, I can say a lot of beautiful words, but if my starting point is this, they mean nothing. Because I came to this experience because I am not free. If I had free choice, I would be different. What do you think? Do you think we are life and we exist? Or we are defined by life, because life is based on mind slavery and there is nothing we can do about it because it is the way life is?

If I had free choice, oh man I could love so much. But it’s not the word I described, it feels the same, but one is based on self-interest and the other one it’s not. And man when it’s not, I feel everything in one moment, and I see everything. I have felt for so long that love was more than me, and I was stucked there. But the truth of myself is that I love myself much more, much much super much more if I am free, if I have a choice. And I know that if I have a choice I choose to remain free, and if I choose to remain free, I can love so much. I would not allow myself to fail to myself, I don’t even know why I still allowing myself to fail to myself and judge myself, that has to stop. Starting right now. But my point is, I want to be smart in this life, because if I allow ANY experience to be more than me, it doesn’t matter what experience is, if I allow it to be more than me to the point where I no longer have a choice, then I know I am going to regret it. Life should not be lived in that way, life can be so much more, if I accept that my starting point is myself and my fredom, and that is the most lovely thing ever. I just feel it, so intensely.

So, love it’s a word that may mean a lot of different things to me, but there is only one thing that word should mean: am I talking care of myself and standing up for myself, so I make sure that I have a choice to decide and act based on my free will to choose what is best for me and for all?

And now once I have finally said those words, I realize that I have been yearning to say them, to describe them. I can be the living example of myself, I can create myself, and I will be making it possible for other people aswell. Redefining love.

Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 23 Sep 2018, 17:55

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... -feminine/

Day 126 – Redefining love as feminine

My first reaction to this words, “bringing feminine qualities to me”, it’s like, hell no, I am masculine, I am not weak, or, emotional (it’s neither of those words, it’s just a feeling). And what this hides, it’s a part of me that has been forgotten. When I was very young, I used to be very feminine, much more than I am now, I would be like, just very lovely. I always liked thinking about the bigger picture, about the meaning of everything, about something bigger than me. And the answer I found was love, heart. But back then those words just came to me, I didn’t pick those words, probably I didn’t even know what they meant, I just picked those words, because I was those words, somehow I found myself in this world through those words. For example, one day I decided to write a poem, and since I was doing that, I decided to make the best poem I could make, so I decided to do it about the most big thing I knew, and I wrote a poem about the human heart, that basically meant something like: What could be the most important thing that a human being has? The heart.

So it’s not something I learnt or defined with words, I just was that. Then I judged that part very much, I created a prision for it, I and only I made the decition, I knew it and I decided. I guess I also wanted to fit in this world, I also wanted to play the game of the mind, and I did. And this brings me to today, and today it’s a day where I am discovering that everything is the same, the sun is the same, the trees are the same, the wind is the same, the clouds are the same, maybe I am in a different city, but it exists the same way it used to exist when I was 3 years old playing in the playground of my school surrounded by pines. It’s just something I feel, I walk, I feel the sun, I breath, and I see in a moment that me back then and me right now it’s the same, nothing has changed, all that has changed is my mind, I changed, I got lost, busy, other things became more important for me. And I was always here, even if I could not see myself, I was here. And it’s not anything in particular, it’s just who I am, it’s what I was given the day I was given the ability to define myself in this world of words.

So, I was here because I wanted to share some words that I am learning to live for myself. These words I chase for them, in my external reality, but they are a part of me I have distanced myself from, and the day I did that I lost something, really, really, important. I lost, just everything. I lost a shining I had inside myself, I lost who I am. I lost ME taking care over ME. And these are not random words, all these are the most real representation in words of the human being I am at this moment of my life. I lived all these words, I am not making them up, all these happened to me, all these I felt it, I knew it, I saw it, all this happened.

So these words are Tranquility, perfection, delicacy, sweetness, brightness. My question, to myself and all men that exist in this world is, is anything worth it if we don’t have these words? I seem to resist these words, they would make me happy but yet I resist them. It’s like if I was afraid of taking care of myself, because I, at some point of my life learnt, that men exist to be stronge and to lead and I had to develop myself and stop feeling, instead I had to accept what this world is and fight for myself. And I disliked this very much, I disliked the fight. Now people, or men particularly, were not normal, now we were about achieving and winning and having. I never liked it, it didn’t have to be that way. But anyway I was alone, or at least I felt alone, and I didn’t speak or stand up for anything, I shout my mouth and just walked.

If I lived these words, how would I do it? I would calm myself, completely, I would cease to have fear, anxiety, I would walk in my mind in a different way, I would love myself and everything else very much, I would never be against myself no matter what, I would stop rejecting other human beings, I would express beauty within the movement of my life, I could lose a lot but I would always had me, I would be happy because I’d share with absolutely everyone the joy that I have within myself because I am alive. I would know that I am what a lovely human being looks like, unconditional. I would know that I am what I chased within myself, I am that. And I would realize that I am alive, I mean something, I am here with everything, I exist and it’s something to be shared and experienced.

And then I could unify myself with my masculine side and say, I stand for this, I am making sure I am these right now. I won’t fool and lose myself.

When we want to be this ‘Winner’, what we are giving up is love, towards ourselves and others. We stop being able to love and accept others, and we forget how to love oneself. And we will chase a lot of things, when in fact all that we want is to feel loved, to be loved. You don’t need to enslave the rest of the existence for that, you don’t have to be a ‘Winner’, you can be at peace with yourself, you can be just yourself, nothing. It’s not what you were expecting for? I know but, what are we here for? What is our direction? And what will we find in there? If you want more, you will take it from somebody else. And he will feel it, which means that you will feel it. He is live, you both are life, you both are the same, but one of you wants more, where do you think that life will be extracted from? And then, you, in other form, as him, will suffer the consecuences you created, because you could not simply be life, because you were more than that, you wanted more, you wanted your own world, you thought you were life. But you are not life, life is life, not you. Life are words that you find if you absolutely stop having ego, and it’s hard to accept, after everything, but it could possibly be the best thing that ever happened to us, it could be what we were waiting for. It could be the end. It could be us in a new form, a new world, and everybody will be together for it, everybody would stand up for themselves.

Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 25 Sep 2018, 21:23

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... xpression/

Day 127 – When living your potential gets in the way of living your self-expression

Today I was emotionally down. Nothing particular happened, well I had a very big nightmare early in the morning, but other times I have recovered from that, today I was simply down emotionally. Normally when I get like that, I get stressed, because I don’t understand why is happening, I want to feel good I want to feel inspired, I end blaming myself and having fear or anxiety, and then I have to interact with other humans in my world and I have interactions which are not fullfilling and then I think to myself damn it there is something wrong with me, and then I try to forgive myself but even if I do it I don’t see the living efects of it and then I get anxiety and so on and so on.

And I am honestly tired, of everything, but particularly of not taking care over myself. I have thought about the other people of my world, about their personalities, their journeys, I wondered how to respect their self-expression and how to prove that to myself, but when I am the one having hard times, when I need to understand myself in real time, I forget about me, I forget about being there for me.

Being there for me it’s not something I achieve, or deserve, it’s not something that can happen or not happen, it’s not something given to me by my own effect and achievements in this world. It’s not something depending on other people, nobody can be there for me if I am not, nobody. Being there for me means seeing that I am not happy, I am not doing things fine, I don’t feel okay, I am not an eternal being who creates perfect results, and accepting it and being there for me even if my whole existence is not. It feels exactly as being alone and being fine with it, I am getting in touch with that.

Right now something interesting happened, I was writing this blog and my cat just came purring at me as he sometimes do, and I felt the love that exists between us that I specially feel when he purrs with me, and I just reacted and started cring, this cat triggered this within me, and it was a very healthy cry I must say, it was like cring for nothing in particular, just for life.

Going back to the topic, being there for me means being for myself what I feel is missing. I always live tring something, doing, discovering, and there is a part I have not payed the attention it deserves to, that’s the part of, it doesn’t matter if I am not my potential and I am living it at its perfect expression, I still can be there for me.

I then went to buy some fruit, and I was not thinking about expressing myself perfecly and creating any experience in particular, I was fine with just not doing anything at all, giving nothing to anything, I didn’t care about anything, I was not happy and I was fine with it. And unexpectly I had a great interacton, not because we both seller and costumer laught and talk or something like that, it was simply because my way of talking was absolutely alligned with myself, and expressing myself like that was fullfilling in itself.

Then I learnt that I don’t need to achieve anything, or get too focused with living my potential, just being there for me can be enough for me to feel that I am there for me, and within that doing things for the simple act of doing things in themselves, not beause I want to prove something, or achieve something, doing things in life honestly from the heart, which means not asking anything from anything, nor from myself or the other people or the world, just doing the things honestly, which means wthout any starting point.

I am a musician and I love sounds and music, while I was talking to the woman who sold me the fruit, the sound of my voice had a peculiar colour. Maybe it was not perfect, maybe it wasn’t the manifestation of everything about my life in one perfect moment of expression PUM there, but it had a certain taste of honesty, the honesty that is honest enough to not fool itself with energies, and it desires nothing and wants to achieve nothing, it is enough in itself, it’s not arrogant because it wants nothing, it asks nothing from anything or anybody. I think I like being emotionally down, because I become a more honest person. In those moments I tend to think too much and feel too much, it’s very hard to stop, and I try to stop it, but I think the important thing about it is trusting, or having some faith, but it’s not a blind act, even it seems so, and definetly feels like it, it’s knowing that you will come back, stronger, and if you remain as yourself while in the down, then the up will make more sense, and you will be able to express it more vividly, like if both parts of you were in synchrony.

I have noticed that when I express in my life this thing that feels more than me, for example when I sing or when I have good honest fun with friends, or write a blog or just create something with my life, when I do that it always has the colour of both sides of the polarity, it’s like if my human heart was made of both at the same time, they are just its way to be alive, the heart needs it to keep pumping blood and live. Sometimes I get so focused with the bright side that I am hopelessly ending at the oposite polarity, it doesn’t matter what I desire, it won’t happen. This experience makes me feel young again, I don’t like it but I guess I need it, and if I have this present in my mind when I am there, if I know I need it and I don’t panic, maybe I can learn to live fully.

Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 26 Sep 2018, 10:06

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... addiction/

Day 128 – Brutal honesty with my addiction

I'll start from the beggining. Since I was very very young, I started using masturbation
not for anything in particular, just to feed the mind. As a young child I started getting
depressed, but it wasn't a normal kind of depression, it was one specially destructive.
One where you have nothing to rely on, you are just empty sad knowing that you have a big
consecuence right now, but in the moment you are alive you will create again the consecuence
so basically life becomes this cycle where you are constanntly all the time giving up
there is no purpose to anything, and when there is, you betray yourself, you sell yourself,
and you end up at the same place, a place with no hope.

I fed this mind relationship with porn, and porn was speecifically placed in this earth
to destroy humanity, it's a reflection of who we are, porn is always an act of the mind.
In porn I found the way to really make to make of my own addition, something deeply
rooted, impossible to escape, a black whole that would take my whole life out, probably
forever. In porn, through every masturbation, I started feeling this intense guilt and
shame, I fed this black hole of depression where I was so depressed that I could not even
cry, and the messages of porn started getting into me. I started searching for weird stuff,
and who I was as a person, simply changed, I stopped being who I was. I created the most
dissempowering experience for me I have ever created, it shaped my whole life, it ruined
so many opportunities, and all for nothing, all in the name of abuse, all for me to be
able to keep going down, and keep feeling this pointless lack of life within myself, this
depressive cycle, the way I split myself in two parts, and one of them betrays the other,
and then I suffer so much the consecuences of myself, because it really fucking hurts,
what you feel when you feed the mind really fucking hurts. I don't talk just about thoughts
I talk about addiction like this one that have a consecuential outflow, that get integrated
within your physical substance, and then it gets more difficult to escape. I ended so
extremelly fucked up, it was a living nightmare, because I didn't want the addiction, I
really disliked the sensation of being dead, of not being anybody, of being alone, of
tring to express yourself and seeing that you are not there, instead you suck so hard,
that you reject yourself and create anxiety and fear.

I write all this, because I still feeling this addiction. The whole way I developted this
relation through so many years had a physical consecuence within myself. My body itself was
not the same. I lost a lot of focus, attention, all I dreamt at night was about my fantazies,
which all of them hidded the shadow of deeply rooted depression, one very dangerous because
you are so empty and hopeless that you could end you life. The words part of it is one day
waking up, and realizing everything that you have lost, seeing how fucked up everything
has been. And not only that, then one day, betraying yourself again. That's it. That's
when you say ENOUGH!!! You want to scream so hard, you want to destroy everything so hard
that it simply becomes a way for you to say ENOUGH!! I WON'T ALLOW THIS TO EXIST WITHIN ME,

The consecuences of this addiction didn't exist only when I was using the addition. The
way I saw women changed, the way I saw life and sexual expression change, all my energies

Nowadays, I have healed much, I have become a person I cosider honest. And that's releaving,
that's helpfull. But sometimes I see women, and I can feel that part of my mind being feed.
Sometimes I think about porn and I can see that part of my mind being feed. Sometimes I dream
erotic dreams, and I feel that part of my mind beng feed. Sometimes I wish to enter a relatonship
and I know it is that part of my mind. And there are no EXCUSES, there should be any of them!!!
I have been praticing self-honesty and self-forgiveness but I have fully in all dymentions applied
that in real team real physical reality and I have seen myself grow to something absolutely new.

This becomes extremely obvious when I am sleeping and dreaming. Because if I am awake,
I can fool myself into believing that I have forgiven myself and I don't have any debt
and oh I am forgiven, but when I sleep s when who I really am shows up. And then a lot
of fucked up things happen. Sometimes I have mind orgasm, orgasm feedng the mind, simply
because of the addiction I have already developed to a fantasy, or simply toward atractive
women. Sometimes it really gets to the point of me actually having an orgasm and then I
wake up and I may be a 'different person', but what happened happened, I and only I allowed

Today, something extremely hurtfull and sad happened, for you it may not mean anything,
but for me it was really, really important. Today it was a special day, I was having
a job interview to renevue concerts for the next season, and I was having the second
class of singing with a lot of people in the conservatory of classical music. The first
class of singing I had with this people, was amazing, I just shined so much, I say it without
ego, I was the best, everybody was impressed of the huge heart I have to sing or to be alive,
and I was happy I brought my own vibe into the group with the people and the professeur. It
motivated me, it motivated an intimate and sensitive part of me, like, something that you
want to care of so it can grow, something you love. I knew one of the things that allowed
me to be that person I always dreamt of, was that I hadn't used porn for more than a year,
and I wasn't masturbating my mind for energy.

And today at night what happened? It happened what always happens, because I always at night
have some kind of movement, energetic movement, sometimes is less sometimes is more, but tonight
it got to the point of consecuence, real physical consecuence. I had an orgasm with a random women
I imagined in my mind, and what happened then? I was alive, aware, to see everything
happening in real time. And I felt, I just died there. I could see my energy going so fast
my heart beating so fast I was seeing everything inside of me so fast that I ended being nothing,
and I knew it all along, and then I knew what was to come, and in that moment I said no more.

No more of allowing any part of abuse of me to exist, no more of not appling myself completely and
fully in the moment, no more of dreaming of abuse, no more of blaming myself for my past, no more!

What is my consecuence now? I will simply miss the singing lesson, I was the whole week
waiting to go again, but now I won't go, I don't want to be a fraud, I don't want to be there
and not be inspired, as I really am. Also, I will go to the job interview and I am not having
the life inside of me, I don't have confidence or joy, today is a day for me to rest and recover
from this.

In the past I would waste much more life than the one I wasted now, but I am extremely
sensitive now, maybe because I am old, maybe because abuse is never justified. We don't
have to live getting sad becuase of who we have allowed ourselves to be, we always
can take more responsability, and the more it hurts, the more you have abused yourself,
the more responsability you can accept! And I accept it right now! That is my commitment!

I commit myself to stop all cooperation with magnetic mind-energies.
I commit myself to stop all cooperation in my dreams with mind-energies.
I commit myself to forgive myself every single time I activate these mind-energies.
I commit myself to not blame myself for my past.
I commit myself to look at my mind for what it is, and not allow any movement of mind-energies.
I commit myself to express in my life in my work, to be productive, to use time, so I am not
drown to release it through masturbation.
I commit myself to be productive each day.
I commit myself to forgive myself for the experience of betraying myself, and the hurt
I have done to myself, and the sadness I feel, and the emptiness I have created.
I commit myself to be with myself, no matter who I am, so I can work with it, so I can
change once and for all and move myself. I commit myself to not reject myself.
I commit myself to, instead of feeling negative and blaming me, being productive and
planning my life so I am creating the experience I in fact want to create.
I commit myself to live with responsability.

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