raul journey to life

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Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 27 Sep 2018, 15:46

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... -eternity/

Day 129 – Believing myself to be eternal out of my eternity

The mind is made of life, we are life. Life is the fuel for the mind. When I live in this world, I naturally create life within me, it happens because it happens, it’s how we exist.

This life, can be free, expressive, eternal, with me, or, it can downgrade. I can talk about what happens when it is expressive, but that is of no ose right now. I’ll talk about the downs. When it downgrades, it happens through the mind. The mind is like a muscle I have developed within myself, and I live in there, because it’s where consciousness exists, there are different mind paths, patterns, and we walk through them and we live and we move. What this mucle does, is very simple, and very hard to accept completely. What it does is say ‘Yess’. The mind, naturally, loves saying ‘Yess’, why? Because we feel good, and for a moment we don’t have responsabilities, or they seem solved, or we just enjoy and get relaxed. The world we live in, is the result of humanity going individually for their own ‘Yess’ to be relaxed and don’t have to work or be tested. Once they have their own ‘Yess’ for their own self-benefit, they know that work now it’s easier, and they can enjoy their part, it’s their right. And that’s what we call a ‘Happy life’.

The ‘Yess’ mechanism it is found naturally within us, to give us a purpose, without it, why would we move? We move and we do anything to find that ‘Yess’ that makes us who we are. Without that ‘Yess’, we simply can not exist, the world ends, and if the world ends, everything becomes nothing and now we simply don’t exist. So in this world when we walk, we walk to find that ‘Yess’ within us. Nature is made of Yesses, the animales are a huge YES, the animals are a huge YES, the sky is a huge YES, in an ideal world, we say ‘Yess’ and that’s fine, the whole world walks as a ‘Yess’ and we go, I don’t know, somewhere, as a especie and as a planet, as a whole.

What happens with my power to say ‘Yess’? In my past, all I did was porn and drugs, and some music, so there there are all my Yesses compounded. Because, if you can say a ‘Yess’, and then turn it into a ‘YESSS’, and then more and more, then you just don’t care about reality, about something external from you, about what you are creating, you are just focused on the YES and that becomes your life, and then you feed a thing called ego, that means believing that you exist, when in fact you are nothing.

In my present, for example sometimes I play videogames, since most games are focused on the rewards, I simply say ‘Yess’ and ‘Yess’, and it comes one and another and another, and if I an aware it becomes unconfortable, to have this game saying to me “say yess now come on! I’ll put this epic music this treasure chest and then you say yess okay? We will see what happens.” And then you say yes but, there is something subliminal that feels wrong about it, and that is is that you know within yourself that you are getting nothing, there is not any real experience going on that you can learn from, all that there is is the yes, a meaningless yes, but a yess, that was what I was playing the game in first place. Why go to another yes if I can have one right now?

‘Yesses’ don’t happen just with vieogames, they happen with life, they happen with my thoughts. I create every though, and every thought says ‘Yess’ in nature, because it exists to manifest itself and say ‘Yess’, I created the thought so the thought could say ‘Yess’.

Sometimes I agree with ‘Yesses’, sometimes I say to myself, wow, this is real, I did this, this exists within me, yes! And it’s not like I create a whole story about the yes, or any theory, I am just having a thought and that thought teaches me that I am a yes. That’s why I am happy sometimes. Sometimes I live and, I don’t know, the way I live creates yesses here and there and I feel very clean, I feel like I am finally fine.

What happens most of the times? I use my potential to create ‘Yesses’, I use it to feed the desires of my mind, because I have learnt throught my life to enjoy those desires. In essense, they are only energies, positive energies, magnetic energies. They say: “Yes, you can keep walking your own path, but you can also turn this way, just make this small change of direction, and I’ll give you a Yess, nothing else will matter I will just give it to you”. And then you do that once, or twice, and then you are changing your direction to be able to achieve the ‘Yess’, any yes, and then I become a greedy being, I demand things to have my yesses, and I get anxious/fearfull/frustated if I don’t have it, and then at some point, the preassure is so much, I have distance so much from myself, I am so out in this alternative reality, that now I don’t rule my world, now, I don’t see it, but I am no longer there, and that’s when the fall of myself happens, it happens eventually, wether I live my whole life evading myself or just a moment, it is meant to happen because I am not ruling over my own ‘Yesses’, I am choosing between all the different yesses which of them satisfies my ego more. And I forget, the most important thing, purpose, which is that if I live choosing over myself, if I live consciously choosing which of those ‘Yesses’ I deserve and really eternally want with me, if I live as that directive principle, I always get a reward, it’s not a reward in the quantity of ‘Yesses’, I never enjoy havng a Yes and then another and another and another, it does not feel real, it only feels enslaving, attaching. It’s the kind of yes that feels like the breath, you feel clean alive and you deserve it, but my nature is such that, I betray myself, I believe myself to be eternal out of my eternity, I forget why am I here and I simply choose to have other preferences. And then, I will come back life after life to the same place, the same point. And I know that there is a higher direction, a higher purpose, but I will remain in that plane of wasting my life, for a mental experience of energy. And then I’ll eventually go back the the same point. That point is my whole life, but if this was clear, I would always go higher, and higher, and higher, but instead I find myself eventually getting lost in fear, frustration, and more.

So I have now explained everything about the mind ‘Yesses’ and I have also explained the solution of remaining as myself to go higher and higher. Now it’s up to me to apply that in real time and real life, to learn what it means to really live.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 02 Oct 2018, 00:44

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... i-give-up/

Day 130 – Why don’t I give up?

Well that’s a good question. Because I beat myself down so much that I don’t honestly know why I don’t give up. By now, I should have already given up. I have seriously done everything I could to stop me, I have made me live and relive my biggest fear in nightmares, I live in a constant state of tention, anxiety, I fear the own fear I can cause to myself. I don’t value myself, I don’t take care of myself, I don’t say anything good to myself about the things I do, I judge myself, I fear my future, I fear not being able to afford my rent.

I just end so worthless at the end of the day. I am not ALWAYS this, but lately yes. I end sad because my life has no purpose, I don’t allow myself to live my purpose. At the end of the day I come back and I am literally suffering, I am in pain, I want to cry, I want to be good to myself but I can’t, and I ask myself who am I? And I don’t honestly know, I don’t know what I am, and I don’t know if I will ever realize, but there is something that I do know, I don’t give up.

And that’s hard to accept, because I should have given up, but I simply don’t. And I ask myself, why do I do it? I know I don’t love myself, I despise myself for my failures and I don’t value myself for my achievements, they are nothing when I hate myself for being who I am. And my point is, why don’t I give up? I mean, it would make things easier for me, because I could be the shit that I am, and allow it, and at least enjoy a life of abuse and waste my entire life. But I know that I am not going to give up. And I don’t know what part of me does not want to give up.

This is the most intriguing part about myself, I have lived moments in my life, that I just don’t care, it’s like if I was already forgiven for everything that I have done and become, but no words can describe that sensation. It’s not even a sensation, it’s, my whole life, everything that I am. When I see that inside of me, I just follow it, and I never know where I am going to end at, all I know is that I am alive and everything about the moment is so important, and I create something within myself which is the purpose of my life, because it solves everything, and it helps everything about this world too.

And I might share now somethng that just happened, my cat came purring as he sometimes do next to me, and when he does that, at the begginign it’s fine but sometimes after some minutes I can’t avoid it and I start cring, my cat purring just has this effect on me. My cat and I in our life sharing the same house we sometimes have moments of expression wether we are playing or looking at each other or anything, and in those moments I know that my cat and I are looking at each other, knowing each other, experiencing each other, and that may seem the most obvious thing to notice about a relationship when you are alive, but believe me, it’s not. So, right now I cried so my cat had to feel it somehow. Then I started to caress my cat and give him some love with the tears I had in my eyes. And this may just be my imagination, but I don’t even care if it’s real or not, it’s just a perception I have had. He started licking all my body and caressing me with his nails, in some kind of massage. Of course it was a beautiful massage because that’s how cats are. And what I perceived, was that the heart of my cat was touched by me having had some tears but giving him some love, and the cat reacted to that about me and started giving me tons of love. It’s just the perception I had. The point is that I always feel intensely loved by this cat, like if he adored me.

So, I don’t know why I don’t give up. But I know, it is because sometimes I do know why I haven’t given up on my life, I see it and I feel it. When you are that, everything is worth it, absolutely everything. The pains and the disconforts and the messy mind fuck ups, they were there for a reason, but when we are separate from ourselves, we can’t see a bigger picture, one where everything about ourselves fits, one where we look directly at the eyes of fear and we say, I am you, and I am finishing you.

The best thing a man like me can do, is to not get distanced from physical reality. This means, not getting distracted with drugs, masturbation, videogames, sugar, girlfriends, or fear.

Just not getting distracted by it, they are all distractions from what really matters, which is me. I am doing everything because of something, I am building it, I see what I am doing and I am walking it, looking directly at the eyes of fear.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 09 Oct 2018, 14:59

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... om-change/

Day 131 – What is holding me from change?

As always, I am going to talk about me and my experience only. About the point that I am at right now. You may be at a different point in your life, or you may find that you are at the exact same spot that I am at. I for sure feel like that when I read my own words.

What holds me, in my life, is an addiction. This addiction involves a lot of different things, small thoughts, small actions, or big life events, that happen to me as a result of myself… I am not alone within this, because I have 2 forces. My addiction force is equal to me, because it exists within me, and it says: You can say whatever words you want to say, in the end, you are addicted to me and you will commit suicide to be able to feel my energy. My other part, my life part, the one I never regret in any way whatsoever, says: You are alive, that’s all that takes to wake up, you have already woken up, you know this.

I’d like to say beautiful words of fredom, I’d like to talk about how eternally stronge and self-supportive I am, how I have managed to remain as myself, one and equal, and live changing this world in real time, surprising others, surprising myself, showing you how gratefull I am to be here, how much I love myself for being who I am, and how I want you to be the same so we can be bigger. But, my journey it’s not a beautiful one. It’s not confortable, I have not been confortable. There is fear, there is doubt, there is anxiety, there is addiction, there is uncertainty, there is sadness, there is loss, there is regret, there is lack of life. And this is what I need to talk about, this is all I need to talk about. This is it, this is where my last part of me is at. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say this is the LAST part, but I do feel something when I look at it, I feel I am in love with myself. I feel if I grow up from this, I am going to be free, expressive, lovely, and I won’t have fear anymore.

I’ll continue talking about me. Through all my life, I have kept alive within me this small light, that meant that even if I was who I was, unworthy of myself, there was a possibility of self-forgiveness. I just knew this, because rather that giving up and surrendering myself to the abuse, I lived in conflict. I lived in conflict because I knew I was not myself. I did certain things, but they did not represent me. So I prefered to live as a conflict rather than as a person with no soul. And everybody has a soul, everybody can forgive-himself, the same way I can forgive me.

So I had this small light, but then, in my life I always did things I regreted, had thoughts I shouldn’t have had, I desired addictions, I violated my own life and the life of others, I lived to satisfy my mind and the addiction it meant to me. Because I had something missing in me, I felt I had, I didn’t decide to start forgiving myself. And it would have been the best decition of my life. So, I lived with that small light but, in real life, in physical reality, I was all the time selling myself for energy, betraying myself for a determined experience to fulfill my lack of my own life within me. So it did not matter how hard I cried, how hard I suffered or blame myself, it did not matter because I was not alligned with my own light, instead I believed in something, but lived doing another. And this integrated more and more within my physical, to the point where I was possesed, obsessed, and I needed to destroy myself in pain, I just needed to get to that point where I just crash. My life got to a point, when I was using more drugs than ever, I got fired from my job in the band, and my girlfriend and I broke up, that as a result I was a whole week in my bed, I was cring. I cried so hard, so so intensely, something in me just broke. But in that moment, what I was really feeling if I look at it now, was my heart opening up. It was the beggining of my balance between joy and pain, it was me accepting that I have to do something, no matter where I start, no matter how small the step is, I have to start walking for myself.

And I am thankfull I went through that experience, I am thankfull I have made all the mistakes I have made, and walked all the steps I have walked. Because, I started creating something from its roots, from the ground, from the point of, I am not here yet, I am just something I saw in a distant dream in another life. But I know I have to walk there, even if it hurts, even if I hurt, I have to start doing it, because maybe some day, I will see that what there is around me it’s alligned with myself, and I can rest and breath, instead of living between chaos and pain and not finding myself. Just to maybe someday be able to rest within myself, I will walk everything I have done, till this day, it’s the only path possible for me, now that I have seen what I am made of in my core.

Life is not good or bad, life gives you each possibility for you to choose. You can, if you decide to, in your solitute, in the story of your life that only you know, walk alligned with something that is good for you, and for everybody. Because essentially, what is good for you, what you know deep in your heart is right no matter what, is always good for the person next to you. They will see it and admire you, and encourage you to keep living creating it, because you are giving life to everyone around you and they appreciate you are teaching them to create it for themselves too, and this is the purpose we are here for, we are here so we can set the world free, and we can all live as one.

So I walked, I started walking, and today with each day I see more and more the result of what I created the day I commited myself to walk my own path towards the unknown. Today I am learning, today I am becoming, that if I walk in my life and in my mind, commited to who I am, I stop all thoughts and I focus on physical reality here and now, and I stop feeding any kind of desire/addiction, I will always live going up and up. I won’t have to go again to the point of physical consecuence where I just crash, and it does not matter if the crash is bigger or small, it’s a crush, it’s a moment that you wether you want it or not will regret, it is an accident, and it always feels in the same way, it always feel disempowering, and I am done with that path. I am done with, within my secret mind, desiring mind energy and feeling it, and abusing myself, and then supressing it and pretending that I haven’t seen it. I am done with it and I am applying myself 100% efectively in this moment. Why? Because I never regret it, and I get to a point where I have so much life within myself that I am free, I am joyfull and it is who I am, I am expressive, but these are just words, I become a direction able to go straight to its objetive, there are no barriers, nothing holds me back, I can create who I am in this reality, I can feel the opportunity, the adrenaline, and it just gets to a point where it blows up, and it changes me forever, I realize it is the only way for me worth living it, and then I have no choice, I am forever commited to walk with myself.

I want to leave you with one question: If you know how to learn from fear, how to look at it directly at the eyes, if you know how to live for real, taking risks, and you are there to support yourself when you fail, so you can take care of yourself and recover so the next time you try it harder, then, what is fear? And who are you?

Thank you.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 19 Oct 2018, 23:07

Day 132 - Forgiving my fother

I need to talk about you. I judge you very much, as a person, as a fother, everything. I do it because, if you were any other person it would be fine, but I came from you, my life in some way came from you, and I also have spent a lot of time with you, all this happened while I was a growing up. And what happens while I was growing up? I didn't know how to take responsability for myself, so I created a big huge fuck up. I think you were not a good fother but, is anything in this world good? Have anything ever been with me unconditionally?

The question is, why do I not release you? The answer is, because some parts of my past self, of who I was, of who we were, still exists within me, it does. If I really think about it, I dissapoint myself, but I started this blog to take responsability for myself, and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I guess it is hard to let you go, to let us go, but it was never, in any way meant to be, it existed in separation, do you understand? Of course you do, everybody does.

I was actually thinking about us before we got the fight, I was actually thinking how to release you and release me. I even had a dream were there was a destonian's meeting, and you were outside the room, sleeping. They told me that you used to go there and just sit, during your walks in the evenings, while sleeping.

Listen, I have made the mistake that I was so atracted to make, everything has been so personal, you have been so close to me, I have seen you so much, you have actually actively modified my mind, a lot of things have happened between us, it was just too much, for me to be able to forgive you without telling with absolute respect, and self-honesty, what I think about you since you are asked me. I could have just lied, but I took the easy way, I said the truth, but I also have to say, I had hopes, I really thought that you wanted me to say the truth, I just couldn't know! I thought you could actually learn from me, I thought it was what you need and what you wanted, I didn't know that you are not ready yet to wake up, I just didn't know okay?

I am not saying that you should not take responsability for yourself, you should! As soon as possible, this is what I was tring to show you, your life is not worth it! You deserve more! You will regret everything! You are gaining nothing! You have already lost too much! You-are-going-to-regret-it!! I swear these were my intentions, but, no, it's not everything. I also wanted to destroy your lie, I wanted you to stop pretending, I wanted to show you that you are wrong, I wanted you to understand that there is no gain for you possible if you do not take responsability for yourself, it will be a lie if you don't take it, and the point is, why did I do all these things? I did them, because I hate you, blame you, judge you, and don't appreciate you. The question is, should I not hate you? Should I not blame you? Should I not judge you? Should I not appreciate you? I don't know about you, I swear I don't know, but about me, I don't hate, I don't blame, I don't judge, and I appreciate people simply for their lifes. Then why did I do it to you? Because I blame you for a part of myself, I feel you have done something to me, and therefore I have to show you and teach you, I have to react create energy and make you submit. If I forgive myself, for hating, for blaming, for judging, I won't blame you, because I am not blame, I am self-forgiveness, for myself, for my life, for my part. I made the mistake of entering in your part, and I shouldn't have done that, specially not from blame and hate, because what I will create is blame and hate.

Now, the letter I wrote to you which it was honest and good intentioned, was actually made of blame and hate, because I was not taking responsability for myself. I can't do anything about who you have been, but I can forgive myself for every reaction, for every separation.

I am sorry that I used the truth to justify my own separation within myself. I am sorry I took the truth and twisted it so it could serve my self-benefit. I am sorry that I blinded myself, and justified it with the word 'justice'.

It's not that I am going to help you now, I don't have to help you, specially not from the starting point of judgement, but I do have forgiven you, and forgiven myself, that's how it is, and that's the only thing asked from me.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 22 Oct 2018, 20:16

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... art-in-me/

Day 134 – The missing part in me

Today, well, 2 days ago, I went to the hospital to get an appointment with my doctor, and I talked with a woman, such a woman. She was old, not too much, grey hair, beautiful eyes. I explained to her that I wanted an appointment but I didn’t have this paper and that one and I was having a lot of troubles. Of course, the moment I started the explanaiton, it went badly, I wasn’t having a good day, I felt anxiety, and I just couldn’t follow the rythm itself of my own words, and I hurt myself while I was communicating to this woman explaining her that I wanted an appointment but I had missing papers and I was having troubles. I just created a big fuck up, like I sometimes do, sometimes I share love with my voice, sometimes I hurt myself, it’s who I am, who I have always been. So I was very anxious and this woman noticed it. The first thing this woman did, was look at me, and what I saw in her eyes was understanding, deep understanding of a situation, and then love and compassion, but not just love and compassion, love and compassion for me so I can take care of myself. This woman started speaking and suddenly my beingness started to relax and relax. Her words were music to my hears, the sound of her words lead me to my heart. So, today, I went with the right papers, and I wasn’t so anxious, but I do was agitated inside. I talked to the same woman and she obviously remembered me. So I gave her the papers and she explained some thing to me, and she gave me the appointment with my doctor.

Now, this time I literally entered in exctacy, but not in any particular way, it was just me relaxing, calming, me knowing who I am, remembering. I was the whole evening saying to my anxiety “OH I am having anxiety so I can remember what I wrote in my blog and help me with this support me with that blablabla”. But this woman, with the sound of her words, by the way she decided to communicate to me, I just loved her, I loved myself, I in one single moment dropped all anxiety and discovered that behind my anxiety, I was actually calmed and lovely. But this, oh, it’s very hard for me to find in my life alone.

I realized then, the process of how I created my anxiety. I projected something in this woman, in the sound of this woman, I projected a scenario, one that meant something to me. I felt, like if this woman was talking to me like if I was a child who needs love. And I realized that as a child, I always envied the rest of the mothers, specially those that were calmed, those that were really lovely, those that I knew would support me. Instead, I was stucked with this mother, who created tention in me, who did not help me, I did not feel loved, at all, for one single second, I could not rest with my mother, I ALWAYS felt dirty, she was a very dirty person, I didn’t want to be loved like that, I wasn’t even important, she didn’t care, a part of me got lost, a part of me grown missing, I started having fear, in myself, and I cried and cried alone and found no solution and no way out, and I victimized myself, and then the worst started to happen, I had grown enough to be beaten down, so she started to scream, and scream, and scream, and scream to me, and cry to me, and behave like a retarded monkey in fron of me and attacks of histeria anger frustration and violence, and it was all my fault, and I had done nothing, but if I said a word, suddenly, I was all to blame because I had hurt my perfect mother. And I didn’t feel loved or relaxed, and this marked me for life, and I became so, so fake.

So, well, this woman at the hospital talked to me, and I fell in love with her sound, because her sound was teaching me how to take care of myself, her sound was teaching me who I am, I was learning what it is to be a little child and be loved by your mother by the sound of her voice, it’s like being relaxed, being in peace, and knowing that you can take care of your peace, it’s what you want, you are not going to create innecessary fuck ups, or reject or blame yourself, everything is fine.

So I liked the sound of her voice, the way she talked to me, it was so pure, this woman had a so big woman heart, why all humans in this world don’t have the same voice? We would support each other. I don’t know, I am in this process to find my sound and be that for the rest of humanity.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 24 Oct 2018, 16:04

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... st-of-you/

Day 135 – When the worst of you brings the best of you

I am a being that no matter the abuse it has done to him, he decides to not abuse others. I abuse others when I abuse me, and I neither deserve to be abused, I just don’t, and the way to prove that is by proving to myself that I won’t abuse others because they do not deserve it. This is my decition. But yet, I am not able to live this straight lane of honest self-honesty, because I have abused myself and my body and mind very much, and that’s why, I decided to create a solution for it. I wanted to give up. I just wanted to give up because I don’t deserve self-forgiveness and I am tired of tring and tring and failing to myself, I just realized that I do am lost, it’s who I am, and I am not forgiving myself, because I have fear, and somehow this fears controlls me so I don’t change into a better vertion of myself. And I was there, and I realized, who would I be and become, if even in the darkest place of me, in a place where I don’t see myself after everything I have gone through, who would I be, if I decided to forgive myself in that place instead of giving up? I then realized, that me being beaten down, tired, exhausted, fearfull, blinded, was the best moment for me to apply self-forgiveness. The darkest, uncoolest, scariest corner of me, exists to go there, and forgive myself, not to go there and give up. Because it is the best opportunity for self-forgiveness, it’s a good chance for all of us. Who would I be if I allowed the darkest part of me to be myself and have power over me? I decided to apply self-forgivenes. It’s just my decton, it’s where I am right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, and abuse others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the reason of my existence.

I commit myself to take care of myself, so I can grow within this realization.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 25 Oct 2018, 16:13

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... ng-myself/

Day 136 - Loving myself uncondionally vs loving my fear

Since I was a boy, I was never loved for who I was, and I was a smart kid, so I knew it was wrong even if I could not express it. The message of appreciating myself for who I am was never present, instead there was a whole world of conditions, and not only that, there was blame and hate, so it was a message that was integrated within myself, I don't deserve to love myself.

And today, today I am alone, and I am releasing all this world through self-forgiveness, I attach myself to these memories through victimization, and this does not support me and it's not honest.

I said to myself once, that I live doing my best, and I should appreciate myself for that. And I am really not sure if I live doing my best. I do should appreciate myself, unconditionally, you hear me? Unconditionally. But I don't think I am doing my best. From a lot of perspectives, I am not doing the best effort and management of my energies, I am not using the chances I have in my live to express who I am, I just could do better, I could release myself from the fear, I could live myself free.

Right now, I'll explain what I felt with these words. I thought "Releasing myself from absolutely all fear?", and a experience of cowardness and dissempowerment came to my mind like a drug, literally as a drug, having controll over me, making me blind with all the fear being injected in my mind. And what-would-happen??? I just ask this, I ask this honestly, without fear, what would happen??! And, nothing would happen, I would be the same, just more expressive and happy and self-appreciative. It's just this mind drug made of fear controlling me.

Saying to me, it's easier to allow fear, you know how it works, it feels in place and it's already here, you just let it be. And okay, if I don't judge you, if I listen to you, then I will find myself again in the same point, NOT APRECIATING MYSELF BEAUSE I DON'T APPRECIATE MYSELF. You are not my friend, you just want to take over me, I am not allowing this anymore, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear what may or not may happen if I stop having fear and living in imagination, and I instead live myself fully expressive. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that sacrificing a part of me is worth anything, when the truth is that I won't gain anything, because I am sacrificing myself itself, and I don't gain anything from there, I won't ever gain anything, I won't gain what is missing, I am already here, but here as this moment without fear, this moment saying to myself, calm your brain, don't hurt yourself, everything is going to be okay, you are going to be okay, you have yourself, this is who you are, this is who you become, for yourself and for others, this is what you add to this world, this is why you came to this life for, and you don't deserve less than this, you do not, and you are commiting yourself to live here, with who you are.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 27 Oct 2018, 11:09

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... ng-energy/

Day 137 – Teaching energy

This is too much to put into words, I’ll do my best. Also, there is a lot I don’t know, things I just don’t know the answer for.

I have a teacher, and he is an admirable man. It’s just the feeling I get, I know he is just someone else, one more human, but at the same time, he has something I seek, he plays the guitar so well, oh-my-god, what could posibly drive a man to improve himself so much? Not just improving physically, but mentally. I just have never met a musician like him, I want to be as talented as him, this is why I work in my life, I have always had the selfish desire of being special and deserving more than the rest, and even if some say this is inhenerent to human nature, I don’t think so, I think creating something which is best for all it’s the purpose of our lives, it must be, and this is why I have changed since I was an ego driven person, now I not only think about myself but about how everyone and everything is involved in that. And I am accepting that it is a process, and I am proving each day, in a balanced way.

So this teacher, within what he have done, with his talent, his skill, who he is, he reveals a great love for himself, a great energy, or fuel. When you walk so much, so hard, so intensely, so brilliantly, something must be driving you, some force. And this is what he reveals to me, he reveals a force. Some call it ego, some call it life which is best for all. There is not way for me to know other people. I only know who I am. And in my past, I was absolutely hoplessly ego driven, now I am slowly but surely taking everyone into consideration, because we are all the same, and if I deserve, you deserve.

So this teacher, and not only him, me, I have a great love for what I do, I am in love with what I do, because I love it, I love the music, I love my expression, it’s so brilliant, I love the mind games of instruments of music, I love the rythm, I love the human conection. And I love a lot the inmense world, it’s a world full of mysteries, it’s a journey, and in that journey you are walking and you want to arrive somewhere, because either way, why walk? If you are not arriving anywhere, why? If you are not even walking, why bother to walk? I walk to arrive to something, which is my sacrifice, my sacrifice for the love I have for the walk I am walking. In my case, I am walking the guitar, music, the rythm, the sound, the human conection, the secrets, there is a lot to it, it’s a whole world of complex art: music. And I walk, with commitment, because there is a place to arrive, at the end of my journey, that place don’t need to be a gift or a punishment, it will be simply myself, my journey, my expression, I will have been me expressing my uniqueness in my expression, and this is what I am here for, and I have decided music to be the vehicle for my expression.

So this is all I see within myself, within my teacher, he knows everything, and I mean it, he is a honest man, he didn’t trick himself into believing he was good, he became the honest god of music, he traveled every fucking where, and I can learn from him, he has walked a lot for himself, and he is there to support me, so I don’t make the same mistakes he has done, so I can be a better vertion of myself. And that makes me happy because I am here to express myself, to sacrifice my whole life for the path I walk, and I want to be as specific as possible and accept and embrace everything that I can, the more I walk the better and more far I’ll go, so I appreciate being able to learn from this man, I appreciate who this person decided to be in his life, because he is sharing it with me, so I can share it with others, and in some ways he is myself. But this is who I am, I am open to see the dishonesty in someone I admire.

Today, I connected with this man. And I felt all of this and more. I felt the purpose of my life, my own path. I felt my living force being open to sacrifice itself for itself. And this is what I was waiting for, to express myself and live a fullfilling life.

This that I am expressing, it’s more than me, in every way, sex specially, because I have always felt sex, or atraction, to be something beautiful, like when I saw a girl who I thought was cute, but the truth is that this beauty exists within me, because it’s a part of the whole that I am. And the whole that I am it’s not confined in sex, of course not. I am my living force of sacrifice and commitment, and achievement. And I am doing this because it fullfills me entirely, and I can share that with everyone else, I can show them how I have been fullfilled, and I can support them if necessary. I say it is MY fullfillment because it exists within me, not because others have to exist in relation to it, I am just myself, I am doing this for myself.

So, today this energy between me and my teacher was borned, and it was an experience. Like falling in love, two opposites, a person open to learn, and a person who teaches. I say falling in love because it’s the most similar to what I feel, this living force, to walk my life/process.

This is cool, I think, I am going to work and learn a lot. This is the cure to the way I have lived my live: to walk a fulffiling live.

Now, there is something else. And that is the responsability. Because unless responsability is taken, nothing else matters. Only life matters. My responsability, as I understand now, it’s knowing that who I am is best for all. We, musicians, to do what we do and feel what we feel, we take our energy and we direct it waaaaay up, to the point where our energy rises and express itself. And, I like that, because it seems like you create something in your life, you don’t just waste yourself, when the experience ends you are more than you were. So, if this energy is directed, for something which is best for all, I believe we find balance, and peace. I see what me, and other people, become by having this energy explotions but not having responsability or guidance. They, we, become ego, like, the believe that I am something when I am actually nothing. How to know if you are something? You are best for all.

The experience of energy wants to say, I am best for all! But what is the experience? Just an experience of energy, no matter how lovely, delicious, sweet, brilliant, the energy may feel. It’s just that, energy, there is nothing more to it. What happens is that human beings, in our minds, we are normally energy driven, and atracted by it, so do you imagine? Manipulating energy itself? We would go like… yess! For me!

So, I have always believed how cool it is, to feel basically ecstasy, and how missleading it can also be. Believing that only the energy is enough, for anything? For me, energy is just energy, I repeat, no matter how sweet, lovely, delicious, brilliant, it may be. And the important question is, who are we, at the door of something bigger than ourselves? Do we get corrupted by it? Do we get possesed? Do we surrender ourselves to it? Who are we? What are we made of? What were we made of? If there is something I can say right now, with everything that I am is, the most subjetive moments, the moments where you know things are powerfull an intense, are the easiest moments to get missleaded, and also the biggest chances of discovering and realizing ourselves as something which is best for all. The fear is that we will dissapear, but I don’t believe we deserve to exist as self-interest, no matter how good, lovely, delicious, brilliant it may feel. Specially if you feel brilliant, specially if you feel lovely, there it is the only moment to prove yourself, the rest it’s all a lie, because you changed, you were changed by the experience, who are you then? Now you’ll go down again, and you’ll have to rediscover everything again, and see if you realize yourself as life best for all.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 29 Oct 2018, 23:16

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... -about-me/

Day 138 - The truth about me

I am in a bus, and I normally get dizzy but I am fine right now surprisingly. I am here with you to share an experience. I was thinking about myself, just, about myself, everything. And I thought, why? Just, why? That’s my question. Why do reality work like this? Why does ‘best for all’ exist? I seem to not understand a certain meaning, when it doesn’t exist according to myself. And this created the question of, why do I exist like that? And why do ones and equality exist like that? I just don’t know and, why or how am I going to trust something which I do not understand?

I can not explain you with words, since I do not understand, but I did live something while I was looking at the point I explained. I can not try it with my whole life, so I tried it with the thing I have next to me, which just happened. I coming back to my town from a casting where I did an audition, and well, it went badly, and I am worried, and even my mind still feeds of my anxiety in relation to it when I think about it, but it only does it because it knows that I created some space within myself, like, the sand which have nutrients and so plants can grow in it, and this is what I am about to explain, with no positive energy.

While I was having this realization I don’t understand, I just applied it to this casting thing I had that was causing me stress even if I was thinking, well there is nothing anymore I can do about it, the moment already happened. And what happen, well, I am trying to explain without positive energy, please be patient, what happened was that I simply saw a path for me to take responsibility for what I was feeling, for me to say... I know I allowed this experience to be more than me, and this is why I now feel miserable, I degradated my own self the moment I let this experience be more than me and define me, and so I lost my true self, POSITIVE ENERGY RELAX! I am talking. And I lost my true self and I knew that it did not matter who I could perceive myself as, I would not be myself. And when I saw this, I did something which was so painfull that it didn’t even make me feel like cring, because cring is pleasant. It made feel very bad, let just let it there, like when you are highly drunk and dizzy and you about to puke and you feel poison in your heart? That’s how painfull I felt it. And after that, I tried to give it some meaning, but there was not more that I could do at that moment, so I shifted my focus to another thing, and when I came back, even if I know how painfull It was, I knew it, it didn’t feel as painfull as before.

This is an experience I have had. This experience for me proves something, proves the truth of my existence. It proves that I don’t exist limited to the question ‘Why?’, I exist as, I don’t know, as taking responsibility for myself the same way I have explained in the experience I had. That’s one of the most consciously painfull and honest moments I have had in a long time, and I know there a lot more of moments like that to come. One of my barriers is positive energy, because it’s rather limiting, and just feels fake. The truth is the truth, and positive energy is positive energy.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 31 Oct 2018, 13:54

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... this-blog/

Day 139 – My last post on this blog

This is my last post in this blog. I am not the same person that started it, and even if I have changed each time I have expressed myself, I think it’s time to move on. It’s not the end of everything, but it is the end of this part of my life. It doesn’t matter if you read one part of a blog, or you have read every and each single blog I have writen, you have been part of my journey here, I have shared here everything, everything that I don’t feel identified with. I have talked literally about everything, because this blog for me meant taking everything out, I had so much I had to take out, and in this blog I have done that for me, in each possible way I could imagine. I needed this because I have lived quite a life, it has gone so fast, I have felt so many things, and they are there, at the same time that they are here. With each part of me I have lived, I have left a missing little part of who I was, in my life I have divided myself in different ways, and this blog meant me expressing that, in the only way I could or knew how.

So if you see the totallity of what has been writen in this blogs, it is everything I don’t feel identified with. I deserve more than this blog, I deserve to end this. And it’s not the end of everything, in the end there is a new beggining, and in the beggning there will always be and end, this is the nature that we exist in, and who understand this understands life, life works like that, and I am not here to judge it anymore, I am here to walk with life and become life. I have to start something new.

Thank you for reading the realization of this man. One that he did really judged, he just took it out of him by expressing it. Don’t compare me, you can not compare me. Don’t judge me, there is nothing here to be judged.

Cya another time, in another place!!




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