raul journey to life

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Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 01 Nov 2018, 20:48

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... of-change/

Day 140 – Fear of change

I decided to make things easy for myself, and keep sharing my journey in this same blog. For my next post I will change this big front image because it makes me dizzy.

I have fear, I am fear. I don’t know if it is fear from my past, back in the days when my mother used to scream at me until I broke, or it’s fear of not having enough money to pay rent keep studing and take care of my cat, maybe it’s fear that I know things won’t ever be the same for me, or that I know that I am going to die. But I think it is fear of being alone, fear of being here right now, alone, as I am.

I could just play a videogame, watch a serie, go do physical excerice, I could buy stuff, look for a job, think about my past, think about my future, about my friends, I could play with my cat. But I decided to not do anything, because this fear was too important, and I could escape it easily, as I have always done.

I still being afraid, because I can’t just go back to the confort of being who I was now that I know the truth.

I wasn’t what I thought I was, I wanted to be the first one and I ended being the last one. I thought I was special, in a honest justifiable way, and I was not. I was not honest because I was separated from who I am. And I won’t ever be anything if I am not unified with that. What I will be eternally doing is diminishing myself, and once I am divided and smaller, search for my missing part in some place out there, and then creating positive energy and also negative, a complete fuck up. After fear came sadness, depression, I wanted to hide but I couldn’t. Then I had a horrible night where I couldn’t breath, woke up and everything about me was gone.

But this is not everything, I have realized one thing, I have fear of change, which makes me feel incomplete, insecure, uncertain, fearfull, alone, lost, because, who I was before was not who I though I was. I was actually incomplete and insecure before the fear was manifested within me, and I have always feared being alone. Because there is a hole in me, but this is tricky, I only feel that because I have diminished myself during this life, not because I am really incomplete. So now I see something, anything, and I don’t judge it, I see my judgements without judging them, and then I accept them, and I go to who I am, right here, right now, who I have always been, who I can not stop being, who I would be even if I didn’t want to.

I have understood that everything I have ever been, it’s gone, it is nothing, and it was nothing. It has always been nothing, but I had diminished myself, and I needed to be something so hard… I needed to be something to complete me and feel like I haven’t lost myself. But no, no more, if I ever have had a quality, ever in my life, it has been humbleness, and I haven’t expressed that, in a very long long time, I lost it at a very young age. And I fooled myself into believing that I was being humble when I was not, this is who I am, a lier.

I have decided to not resist what it is to come to me, I could not resist it even if I wanted. Everything has crushed down, but if I do it again, no matter if it is big or small, if I divide myself again consciouslly because I perceive myself to be in some place out there, where I perceive I will ‘gain myself’, if I do this again, I suffer the consecuences x10. So I have 2 paths, going back to who I was which is impossible, or suffering x10 because I perceive I am ‘gaining myself’ within a certain decition. Or, I could aswell reman with myself, alone, and then do you want to know what happens? Regret does not exist. Tricky isn’t it?



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 04 Nov 2018, 11:36

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... -strenght/

Day 141 – Sleep apnea and strenght

I have sleep apnea, it has gone worse in the last weeks, I am seeing my doctor tomorrow. It causes me to wake up several times in the night, with dry mouth, throat and nose, after a nightmare where I die, and if I have a bad night it will be a nightmare of my mind creating creative fears against me. Other times, the lack of healthy deep breathing causes me to feed the opposide side of my mind (postive) to stop looking at the disconfort of my body, and for example I dream about playing a videogame where I get rewards, when in fact what is happening is that I have a lack of oxygen in my body. My voice sounds crappy after being so dry during the night, sometimes I have blood in mouth and nose, and the worst are the moments before waking up in the middle of the night after not being able to breath, it used to be worse though, I have had nightmares where I was escaping from a mind monster, and it was really scary. In my last nightmare I was in the street and suddenly big pieces of ice started falling from the sky followed by rocks of the size of a car and people started screaming in pain, I thought, okay right now I have to look for a spot with roof where I can hide and I must go there, while I was running I thought, I am not going to make it I am going to die, I have to be here consciouss at the moment the rock kills me so I go to the dymentions while I am aware to see everything that happens lol.

So, this is what I am going through. This is what I am living right now, I will see my doctor tomorrow, but the point is, this situation has actually supported me, and I have learnt something from it. I have learn what the word strenght means.

Strenght does not mean living strenght in the easier moments, the moments where you feel most stronge. Strenght is there to be lived when you are weak, the hardest moments to be stronge. Within that, the most supportive thing, the thing that will make you most stronge, is stopping to fight it. Because fighting against it is part of the past, when I used to fight a certain situation and keep myself between “Living strenght” and “Giving up”, and not actually doing anything about anything, instead creating friction and mind energy from this two opposites, but without arriving anywhere. I decided to arrive to the truth, to manifest the word Strenght, and there I found that I don’t need to be stronge, not really, I just need to stop the fight and be myself, I need to not lose myself, no matter how difficult the situation may be. Because it is what is best for me and for everyone. As Lao Tse used to say, what heaven and earth can’t keep, do you think the human is going to keep? I don’t know the particular meaning Lao Tse gave to it, with his particular exact words, but for me this means, not even god here or in the afterlife can save me, how would I even save myself? This means, everything is meant to die, even god, then, if strenght means stopping to fight, I don’t need to live in this conflict I am living in my life, because nothing about god or this earth is going to give me strenght, in fact, strenght was never needed, what I need is myself, to realize who I have always been, who I can not stop to be even if I wanted, I am stronge, I am just stronge, and I know this because it does not depend on my life being easier or harder, I am strenght, I am self-support, it is who I am.

Strenght how I used to define it does not even exist, there is nothing to fight against, that is true strenght. Things in life doesn’t exist. They exist because we create them because we are livng in a conflict, but if you know who you are, you also know who you have always been, and then there is no conflict, and therefore there is no strenght. This is strenght.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 10 Nov 2018, 13:23

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... i-am-here/

Day 142 – I am here

I could say a lot, about who I have been. About what I remember of how intense I used to feel when I was a child, about all that ever happened to me, and how I reacted to it. I could talk about the path I have walked in my life, one of separation, I could talk about the moment I decided to start believing the lies even though I knew they were lies. I could talk about other people. I just could say a lot. But there is only one thing worth sharing, there is only one thing that I don’t regret when I say it, there is only one thing that makes me remember why I am here right now. And that thing is, nothing is real. I could say a lot, but it is not real, it only exists in my mind, in the ‘world’. Meanwhile, I am here, my chance is here, but the more I talk about it the more I miss who I am. I have a lot of knowledge, I have even ‘the true knoweledge’, and it is all a lie, that is the truth. There is nothing worth sharing in there. There is not direction, there is not growth, there is nothing, only acceptation of abuse, who I have become in my mind. That’s why I am done with defining myself, I know who I am, I am here. Everything that ever happened to me, exists here, everything. My mind enjoys victimizing myself, so it can feel energy, but it is not who I am. I am here. Here means everything. Everything is nothing. Nothing is my eternal real self. My eternal self doesn’t exist anywhere, but it exists everywhere. I am here. Self-acceptance, self-responsability, no separation.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 10 Nov 2018, 13:25

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... e-of-life/

Day 143 – The message of life

I am here right now, so I am going to talk for me, and maybe there is something that you can learn from my words that is good for you and for everybody.

If you are here, don’t let people tell you that you are wrong, push people beyond their limits. Don’t accept their reactions in you, don’t let them change you, don’t let them convince you to deny yourself, instead be the living directive principle of yourself, and maybe you change this world or maybe not, maybe they use you, maybe they laugh at you, but you might be doing so much more than you think, you might actually be supporting yourself.

It’s sometimes hard to accept, that our life is our responsibility, sometimes we want to hide, or be lazy, or waste our time, or judge people, judge ourselves, buy unneeded stuff, sometimes we just separate ourselves from who we really are, and it’s never justified, because you are you, and if you don’t create and manifest yourself in this world in all ways and forms, how are you even going to do it??? We must stand equal in all possible scenarios, not because somebody says so, because you heard the words of somebody else and they in some way resonated with you… they in some way remembered you of something you don’t remember… we must stand equal because of ourselves! Because we are ourselves! Because we remember ourselves! Because we can not forget it, we are life. Nothing should get in your way of realizing life, not even yourself, our life depends on this, because we are here for a limited time, and yes, this limited time means something, means you, and in this life we have all separated ourselves from who we are, from our life. So be yourself if you read this now, don’t let anybody fool you, don’t fool yourself, everything exists in you, and you know everything you need to know to know yourself and realize yourself, this is about you, this is about taking self-responsability, this is about being who we are, we are all one and the same, we are not the degradation we have become because of our mind, our mind degradates us, and do you want to know why? To feel right, to have ego, to justify something without taking life in consideration, do you imagine this mind? It’s just a mind saying that it exists and it is right, because it exists, how untrustworthy and deceptive can that be?! It’s the tool for mind control, exactly, from the mind. We need to have a free choice, clear, so we can decide for ourselves, humanity is possessed, and it’s for nothing, it’s in the name of lies, abuse.

If you read this, if you can learn something from me: trust yourself. Don’t be afraid to fail, failing is not bad, not taking responsibility is bad. Just trust yourself, is the best you can do, to follow your path and find your own truth, don’t be afraid of being bad. Accept who you are, and do something about it. Because you exist in this moment to create the way you live. Don’t live the same day, after day, after day, don’t give up, don’t surrender to the illusion, it’s an illusion, it is what it seems, and what it seems it’s not real. Our whole life is based on a perception of what ‘things seem’. Nothing is real! No-thing. Your whole mind is a lie. Create something best for all, and you will live forever. It’s a moment of self-acceptance.

All humanity could stand as one right now, but it is our choice. We could someday in the whole world, in the random cities, start realizing ourselves and realizing others, at a speed we have never seen before. But for this we need you. We need all humanity standing as one and saying no-more-abuse! But I guarantee you something, we could end all abuse, live forever, and we would mean something. We would join something bigger than ourselves, and that’s the purpose of absolutely everything that exists…

You can join my community, it’s called Desteni, we have free courses, and if you want to go deeper there is even a web called eqafe with absolutely everything that the human mind consists of. Dare to be more than yourself! This is the free course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

Thanks!



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 10 Nov 2018, 13:26

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... y-to-life/

Day 144 – Self-forgiveness for the lies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another person, and desire what she has because I could grow as self-interest within myself if I had it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the center of atention, because I can then express myself as an energy which is right and that feels good because it is funny and cool, it is positive, and nothing is taken in consideration but its positivity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy the gift of another person, because I admire her, and because I perceive myself to have something missing, that I then project into her and envy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be centered on self-interest instead of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of who I am, and allow my desires to take over me, which are based on other people believing that I am the solution to their life’s, or there is something for them to admire in me, or I am simply more and I deserve more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live to satisfy a mental energy, that doesn’t exist, makes me hate myself, live in conflict, lie to myself, lie to everyone, endlessly walk in circles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to distance myself from myself in thoughts, and then look for myself in places that I am not, and then compare, envy, lie, desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be more than who I am, with desires, and acceptances, and mental irresponsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my process something secondary, because it does not feed my ego, and therefore I don’t feel supported by it, and I am not interested, because it is not giving me energy to be more than myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself, when in fact, is very easy.

I forgive myself. I forgive myself I have felt shame, and suppression, and I forgive myself I denied myself, and stopped being who I am, because I had other priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divide myself in pieces, because I then create energy, and with the allowance of energy I can create even more energy, and then I allow this world and all the abuse that exists in it to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself because seems easier, or seems pleasant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that lies outside of myself are pleasant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk to myself with thoughts, like if I was the center of attention and I was all the time enjoying being the center of atention of my mind, like if this story I live inside myself meant something for me or anyone else when in reality I am the one bringing it to life because I am separated from myself in pieces and I live in mind energy that consumes me and this world

I am sorry I have allowed the mind, I have no excuse, I really do not, it has been a fuck up, for me and for everyone. I started slowly, with small steps, and before I knew I was absolutely surrendered to mind energy. I and only I allowed it, and it was not honest, and that is what I am forgiving.

I commit myself to not lie to myself, to understand who I am, to live it, to not desire to be something I am not.

I commit myself to stop the excuses, and to not lose myself consciously in desires.

A desire happens with every separation, where I feel something towards something, because I desire to feel a certain experience. Just like a drug. I commit myself to stop all mind drugs, I commit myself to accept sanity within myself right now.

I commit myself to create energy, only one and equal with myself. The energy of god, if I may define it like that, it’s an expression one and equal with life and with everybody, exists in all scenarios, it brings no regret, no matter how hard I try to see the dishonesty in me, there is no regret because there was no mind.

I commit myself to continue applying myself in my process, in relation to my energies, my mind, my journey to life.

You can always forgive yourself, it’s your choice, the same that being honest in the totallity of who I am it’s my choice. The door of forgiveness is always open, but only for myself, not for nothing or anyone else, I have to leave all behind, self-forgiveness requires so. All dishonesties, all separations, all allowances accumulated, they can not exist with me, because I am not dishonest, I am not separated, I am life in ones and equality. This is my journey to life.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 15 Nov 2018, 20:17

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... turbation/

Day 145 – Alligment of masturbation

I am not ashamed of talking about anything that exists, and it’s not like I murdered someone, I just wanna talk about masturbation and what I discovered.

I am a man, and during all my life, after each masturbation, I always felt I had lost something, and it wasn’t just a thought, my physical body was drained from its life source. I saw masturbation as something that I sometimes did, but something that was always negative. And this nature, well was hard to accept, because, is masturbation something that I sometimes do and it’s negative and that’s all? Am I just forced to be negative because masturbation is without any discussion a consumtion of my life force? I say negative because I always felt discharged.

I have walked a long process, but I had yet one more thing to discover. This thing it is very, very important for me, and it’s a very important topic for me to talk about. I could have missed this point my whole life, and within that another part of myself.

When I was very young, the first time I masturbated, there was no mind, I was simply drown to it, and suddenly it had happened and I was like, what did just happen? This is what I was searching for with this process of making of masturbation just one more expression of myself, I wanted to make of my sexual expression something that is me. And for a man, or for me, an orgasm has been during my life a door to my heart, in the sense that, the very same energy that I moved and act upon, was depleted after I had masturbated. For example I can be a motivated, lovely, hard-working person, but the moment I masturbated I lost this force within me because I got depressed and pointless and unhappy. And this is what masturbation has always been for me, even if I knew that as a child it was a much more pure physical act. Even if now there were no fantazies, even if now I was tring to make of masturbation something alive, still, I was not the same naive child. And it’s not that I want to be naive, I won’t ever be young again, I just want to be real, and within this context I want to make of the act itself something alligned with my physical body. I do all this because one day I got tired of regreting things in my life, and I started to learn and have the courage to face fear and face myself and that which doesn’t cause me regret, that which is eternal, because it exists before me, it simply exists, it doesn’t need more, it does not need it. And yet it is the most real manifestation of myself within my body.

So, today I made decition to masturbate, and what happened within me was very surprising. I decided to not let my mind ‘Dive within me’, I didn’t let it enter in me, I didn’t allow myself to feel this intense pleassure, I didn’t open the door of the resources of my physical body. There were no fantazies, but also, I made of the physical act something pure. I was there. I was not possesed by any perception, not just mental ideas or thoughts, but perceptions, the substance of myself. There was nothing I conceived masturbation as, and what happened because of that was that I lived the word discipline in that moment, I became myself. And my body discharged some energy, but it wasn’t a consumption of the resources of my body, it was myself, as myself, as my physical body, making a decition to stand one and equal with myself.

And people, reader, I know this is a curious topic to talk about… but after the experience, I went to look at myself at the mirror. And there was something surprising happening. There was no lose, I had not lost myself, I was the same lovely person I was before, I had my heart intact. I had never experienced a masturbation without any lose of energy through the mind, since I first discovered it. And then I felt so alligned with myself, I felt so whole, I felt so real, I felt so surprised, that I started cring. Not like, criiiing, just some tears that came out, because I had allowed myself to discharge myself, with discipline, with the responsability that is me, as my physical body one and equal, and I just cried because I had been searching for this for so long, I felt like when you get home.

And I won’t ever need to feel a “mind” orgasm, simply because an orgasm it’s not an orgasm. It seems so, but… what we define as orgasm, is the abuse we have become, it’s the need of having ‘more’, and that is what makes us feel alive, but it is not true, we are not that, and it’s not what we are here for, any of us. My advice is, don’t let your mind abuse you, ever. Stand within your physical and get to know life.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 08 Dec 2018, 01:34

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... en-people/

Day 147 – The distance between people

We, all humans, know something fundamental. It’s a point we are borned and created from, it’s who we are. This point is: I am life, one with all that exists. But, at a certain point we are faced with a decition, should I continue living in equality with life? Or should I allow myself to explore this other different world of lies? It’s just a click, if I make the decition, if I allow myself to become this, I’ll be… “more”, in some way, and I will live that as myself and explore it.

It’s hard, almost impossible, to remain true to yourself in this world. It’s not something impossible, but yes not likely to happen. Because to remain as yourself, means being alone in a whole world, lost in the woods, with each shadow you see wishpering you to allow yourself to abuse. And you are new in life, you feel “The first human who ever lived”, The one, you are alone inside your reality, so there is nothing to guide you, only you exist there. And you are drown, like everyone else, to simply exist, the way things are, and allow everything to remain as it is. You become this world. Because at a certain point, you are tired of pulling, of creating resistance, you are being pushed all the time, and it gets stronger and stronger, so, there is a moment that you accept it inside yourself, and then a moment of, absence happens, because you have given up your fundamental truth, your starting point, the one you were borned from. And it seems like nothing will change, but nothing will be the same, and then you’ll feel finally, “in place”, or at least, you will fit, and you will be able to stop that honest way that would have led you to the ultimate chaos.

And it’s in a moment which you are alone thinking with yourself that that happens. Some people accept it before, at birth, others later. And the decition in itself is very simple; from that fundamental lie you accept, something else is borned, a language. That language is created from a fundamental law, which is: I am not the solution, that thought is the solution. There is a separation that happens, and the whole human life is lived from there. There is a mark left deep inside, at the very core, a memory, a distant dream, because we never forget that once we were The one, for real, once we were not divided, once everything was working according to everything, and it was YOU moving, creating, manifesting, EVERYTHING. That by itself it’s not good or evil, it’s just one way to express. But one thing is certain, it is not limited to small ideas, fractions of yourself. When you express yourself as, everything, you are not working towards anything. You are real, honest or dishonest, it’s that simple, and from there you act and move and be. And we never forget that, we are not able to, because in the same way we have walked our life, we can walk it backwards, untill we find ourselves, and then we see it. We see the moment we accepted it, the first lie. And we will live our lifes looking for something, like if we knew even what directions we are going.

And the answer, the solution, it’s not pretty. It could not be, you have cooked it, you have eaten it, and you have created it. And it’s going to be on you. And now, today, it’s not as simple as “Oh well, I died, I now understand, cool!”. Now, you have to take responsability for yourself, and that means taking responsability for everything, so now the game is over, now we are standing up for real, for everthing, for ourselves, wether we die or not.

And it depends on how you see and apply yourself, but most of the times it’s normal to feel regret, because you have done it to yourself, and that’s hard to accept, that you would ever do that. But you did it and you became addicted to the energy between those parts of yourself. The energy that you create from that which is missing. We wait secretly for death to set us free, we know it deep inside, that we are meant to die no matter what, and we are in fact craving for it because it would mean the death of me as divided parts, and it would be the beggining of that which I was waiting… and I will be able to say, finally…

And so, we as humans, have hard times communicating, really communicating to each other. Because each one is focused on his individual thought, which even if it seems just a normal acceptable thought, it was originated from that first lie all the way till that thought. So it’s hard too comunicate for real. But sometimes, if both individuals have in mind the same thing, themselves as life with everything, communication can happen, because it’s not about their individual thoughts, it’s about that which is meant to be communicated. And that thing is magnetic, in the sense that, it is everything, and everything belongs to it.

So, if we are communicating for real, and we understand each other, cool! If we don’t how could this be? How can be even possible, that communicating about the same thing, which is that which is best for all, we have different opinions and views about it? How could that happen? And it’s from that calmed sharing of perspectives, that both individuals will say to each other, I want to know deeply why you think this way, because I can not understand it, and there is something missing here, and we should fill the gap, we just have to. And then, the dishonesty will be revealed, or both will learn something, which makes both of us, cooler!

So, how to communicate? Don’t believe your own words, they may be chosen by you, they may be who you are, but they mean nothing to you, because there is only one things that matters, there is only one god: life with yourself and absolutely all the rest that exists. If that is clear, and you don’t believe yourself, you can communicate as yourself, with total confidence in your words, with the goal of uncovering the dishonesty in the conversation; the point we missed that does not take the truth of each life in consideration. The truth of each life, can not be defined by you, or by me, we should not believe it, because the less atracted we are to believes, the less we are as them, the more we exist as one, as that fundamental truth which we once denied, which is essential for both to exist. So this communication, wether it creates a lot of energy and reactions or a few, can not be denied, avoided, supressed, because it is the only way for life to be borned, for unity to be manifested from the dishonesties, this won’t happen if we oppress communication, if we create any absolute law, if we avoid conflict, because we perceive something else to be more important than deffending my own truth, there is absolutely nothing more important than that, it doesn’t matter who says the opposite, wether it’s desteni, or god, or the pope, there is nothing or anyone you can trust, you are alone, don’t rely on anything to define you or you will never grow up and reach your true potential. Stand up for that which you can not be silent about, no matter the cost, even if it is conflictive with the truth of another, even if you fear conflict, don’t deny the thing that you see when you have reactions of thoughts and you create your own path, don’t deny that which is the direction that you are walking, your absolute wish; no, there is nothing more important than uncovering the lies, and that can only be done through your own truth, we should not be afraid of that, since it’s the only way. If there is something that you consider not to be alligned with life, believe in yourself, completely, don’t be weak when we are talking about life, be stronge enough to show the truth and explain yourself, but at the exact same time, listen, please, listen, don’t let yourself sacrifice life, for that which you call life. It does not matter, sometimes it just don’t, sometimes we create innecesary problems, we do, and it’s up to each one to decide when it’s necessary and when it’s not, but sometimes it’s not, and it’s not worth it, because you will distance yourself from the people that you are so close to, and you will in fact lose, and regret, everybody will lose, for something which does not matter. So don’t fall into that, let this choice absolutely clear, and be clear about the first thing I said: don’t believe your own words, because they exist in separation, and accepting this it’s not a weakness, because there is no need to be stronge, because there is no need to win, because sometimes we sacrifice life for that which we call life, because we perceive ourselves to exist outside of ourselves. We get lost in the most uncontradictory, obvious, way, and you forget one essential truth of who you are.

These are the two sides of the coin when you communicate, you can’t lack strenght to express yourself since you are sacrificing yourself for your own truth, you just will not, you prefer to die rather than attacking your own heart with dishonesties. And other times, the exact opposite, there is no need, it does not matter, don’t believe your words, because they don’t exist with life, you are within separation, and you have overcompesated the first side of the coin. And it’s not that it should not exist, it’s that both sides of the coin are equally important for life to be manifested.

So! Absolute balance! That said, it’s you who are living, don’t regret yourself.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 20 Dec 2018, 18:21

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... never-had/

Day 148 – Being the parent I never had

I don’t like victimizing myself, and this I have been taught to. When I was a child, which for me is basically, most of my life because as a child I created the fundations of myself, and then I just grew, until I decided to wake up around 19 years old, which makes for me like… 2 years of actualy conciously living. So well, when I was a child, I had a separated world inside my mind, there there were a lot of things, one of them was that I was absolutely not allowed to victimize myself, ever, it was like… something I unconciously wanted, I wanted to be the victim of my life, at least once, but I was completely separated and denied from that possibility, and it became supressed. And I always grew up believing that it was all my fault. And later with time it was a big surprise, what a joke, to know that not only my life it has not been my fault, but me, who I allowed myself to be as a person, wasn’t my fault neither, because if I take responsability and stand up for what is right no matter the cost, I then and only then allow myself to be forgiven. And well what brings me here to this blog right now is that I feel I want to talk about something to clarify my thoughts, sometimes I create new cool things about me in here, other times I talk about my past and all the long years I have lived.

I don’t blame my fother anymore, because I realize that he did what he knew how to do, he provided money for his son, and he made sure he respected the law, the rest he knew nothing about. And everything about him was honestly not that bad, but still, everything was a huge black mess back then, that’s what it became for me, because my fother was not there to support me. My mother, well, she is just crazy, and I think she had more influence in me than my fother, well it’s not an opinion, she did. She wanted a girl and she had two boys with tons of testosterone, I get that, but when you have children you stop having preferences, when you have a child you are giving everything, but if the word everything means nothing to you, you will commit abuse. I was always in another world, I tried to help my parents, I was a smart kid, I helped my brother until he grew up.

Honestly, the more I talk about my past the less reactions I have to it and the more I create as life now in my present. And I am going to do what I always do, I am going to allow myself to victimize myself for once, and then I am going to let it go and be free of absolutely everything.

I remember than because of how smart I was as a kid, I knew that my parents were wrong, but my fother had to leave the home when I was 5 because of a traumatic divorce and I barely saw him, my mother became my parents. I remember knowing that I am right, I know my life should not be denied, no matter what, I am just a child, I can’t really understand… but I know what is right, and I knew she was wrong. I remember once, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I got pissed off, I am talking about being 4-5 years old, and I said like I always did: okay you treat me like this and you make me this? I am going to leave the home. I said that so often that my mother one day went next lvl, and she brought her neurosis also to that vulnerable part of me, and she said, you want to leave home? Just fucking leave home c’mon, pick the toys you want, and leave, you are leaving.

I went to my room, I picked my favorite toys, and I went outside alone for first time in my life. She didn’t believe I would leave, like if she could break my truth so easily uh? I left, she initially didn’t go after me. But I went down all the steps of the community, and reached the street, not knowing where I was going, in an absolute unknown world, and I then suddenly saw myself there, alone, I started cring. I remember very clearly how and why I cried, it wasn’t for being alone in the street, even if it was scary, it was because I as a child never expected the situation of my life to get to that point, I don’t know why but I felt save, I thought I was save, but then I hit a wall, a mental block, and I knew I was right but I just cried because I did not understand… then she appeared, picked me up and got me home. I had a lot of experiences like this. When my mother used to get pissed of, which was always, she treated me like if I was, and old person, like if I could actually understand her crazy mind stories, and I could not, specially when you say all of those things like a crazy screaming neurotic resentfull empty of love monkey, then you are not really asking me for help, you are just suffering, and you want to hurt me too, it doesn’t matter if you deny it later, in your mind you can make up any story you desire, you’ll believe it was not you, it has not happened, but for me, it became my reality. But I had to learnt at a very young age, that I had to support my mother. But this time I was not supporting, this time supporting meant being a slave. I had to be her slave, because otherwise she would use me against myself, and this killed my own will, this killed what I knew was right within me, and it had a lot of consecuences. And please don’t missunderstand me, I and only I did it, I did it, but still I don’t know, I feel like things could have gone differently, but it’s fine I don’t blame anybody anymore.

This may seem contradictory to you, but I have learnt something very important from all of this, like gold. When I see a kid I don’t just see an avarage human being, I know how he feels because I remember and I’ll never forget and I am able to support that kid. I appreciate how important is for them to be taken care of, until they are old enough to take responsability for themselves, that will in fact become their own decition. Sometimes it’s hard to accept that everything that happened to me when I was a kid was my responsability, but it is now, because I know who I am, and I will never again forget that, it is my way out, because as a child I wanted to do it, but I couldn’t I was trapped, and now I am older and I see who I am, and I feel what I feel since I started living on my own in another city, I feel how since I was a kid I have been craving for this fredom, from everybody, an empty espace only for myself, to decide who I want to be in this life.

I have unfullfilled desires of growing up as a child in this world, and this is how it was meant to be. This is how it happened, and SEE! I AM HERE NOW! So, I decide to use absolutely all of this to help myself realize who I am, and help everyone as myself. I don’t blame anybody, it has been a sad joke, but it is over now, I made it to myself inside myself, and I accept it, because it is how things are, and I learn from the past and let it go.

And do you know how much I am going to really support my child some day? Very much, because all of this have enriched me, I have a bigger view, about a lot of things, and the day I have a child I am going to be ready for it, it won’t take me distracted like it has happened to my parents.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 27 Dec 2018, 23:08

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... th-people/

Day 149 – Positive energy and relating with people

For me it was a total shift. I had always being afraid of something, I always had a doubt in my core. This doubt was that I knew that what is best for all is the only thing that should exist, but even if I seemed to have that clear in my mind, at my core there was a point I did not give up, because at a certain point of my life I accepted that I had to do something in my life tu fullfill myself, to obtain something, a reward, someday. Wether it was justified with the hidded and supressed goal of money, sex, or god, the point was very simple: I don’t want to and will not forgive myself completely, for absolutely everything. And, forgiving oneself completely it’s a very interesting experience, you then decide to really live what is best for all, this time without any justification for lies, and now there will be no more door for lies and excuses to be borned.

And I realized this the moment I stopped positive energy inside of me completely. It does not mean that I have found the absolute balance, probably never will, but it certainly is a step in the direction I really want to go, something has changed in me and gets clearer every day. It’s like if every thought I was so used to have, was borned from the starting point of desire, and separation, and positive energy, and I mean this, EVERY thought, I tried but I could not find a single honest thought within myself, and this is simply because I haven’t created myself yet. And the moment I saw this, I realized it and I stopped it, and then all my energies remained inside of me, there was no energy being used to generate thoughts, negative or positive, and I felt really amazing, but understand this word “amazing”. I felt clear, honest, alive, but at the same time these words were not positive, they were honest, which is a complete different thing, these words were created by themselves, I did not create them, see them, or think about them, I was simply in such as state that I was free to choose my fate. This time I was not addicted to my mind, this time I realized that I won’t find life within my mind, and it’s time for me to get damn especific with my self-forgiveness, so I can follow my rythm like when a tree is growing, and now I am growing to this.

I went to visit family and friends to my hometown, and I was really excited to go back there and talk to the people I know, and share everything I have to share which is a lot with them. But what I found instead of this mind picture, was people gossiping, negativity, frustration, drug abuse. It wasn’t all bad, but it certainly was a pretty unbalanced situation, to the point where I did not feel in place. I was not used to this, I did not expected it, and I felt totally drained. And the rest of the people did nothing wrong, they are just doing what is natural for them, they had smiles in their faces, but for me was very different. I then decided to go back to my own house, get in touch with myself, and think about all of this. I had been excited at first but it felt like I was going there to die and mentally charge the rest of people. And I don’t like that, because I can do so much more than just feeding the energy of polarity of the mind of the people.

But being honest it is me who allowed myself to use my own mind to be polarized like them, and create energy, and charge everyone. I made this mistake, and so I am learning how to really relate with people.

What does currently “relating” means? Creating energy through polarity, to charge the mind conciousness system, and feel like “something is happening”. Within this, allowing myself to “support” the other person, even though I know what the mind is. And I do this because it is easier, and I decide to not stand for myself and what I know in my heart is right.

How would I redefine the word Relating? Simple. Means being the absolute directive principel of myself within my physical, and from there, deciding what will happen at each moment. Wether I engage in mind games or not, it will be my choice, I won’t take the easy way as I have always done, charging the polarized minds of people, I have something to give, I will give it, I won’t allow myself anymore to pretend that I am something I am not. Next time I will live self-honesty and self-responsability, I won’t blame others, and I will be with them while I am not giving up on myself.



Raúl
Posts: 341
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: raul journey to life

Postby Raúl » 11 Jan 2019, 12:31

https://rauljourney2life.wordpress.com/ ... -the-mind/

Day 150 – Back to my basics: The mind

Hi, about 1 or 2 weeks ago I had an insane reaction where I even deleted all of my desteni friends from Facebook, and it’s like, wtf? Did this people even do something to me? No, they were normal, even friendly people. But the reaction was about what desteni looked like inside my mind.

Right now I am in hell, because I have breathing issues which cause me to barely rest while sleeping, and because this brings unexpected reactions within me, reactions that show me how little I know about myself. And that’s surprising, the fact that when I am awake I am one person, and when I am sleeping, the moment I lack some oxygen, suddenly everything about me is back. So, I am starting a process of going to my basics in absolute self-honesty, maybe once I have the operation for my nose suddenly I have no problems, but this process will be good because then I will be prepared and I will know how to take more care of myself.

So, when I sleep, I have an experience which is not supportive. And I’ll explain what supportive means. Throughout my life I have created something in me, it is just like another muscle, or a button that you press inside yourself, it’s just something you have within you that you can see and understand. I don’t know about the rest of the people, but this thing within me has never being what I consider a good thing. A good thing is something which is not corrupted, it needs nothing from anything, it has no desires, and it will give you back what you give to it. And that’s a good thing, it’s the best thing, because the only thing which can support an individual is self-honesty, as honest as possible. So, this thing within me, was never good. I mean sometimes it was, but only sometimes. Most of me, was never self-honest enough, with myself, the rest of people, or this world. And this happened because of all that ever happened to me and how I reacted to it, from emotional reactions to this world, to ideas I accepted, drug abuse, excesive masturbation, etc. With the time I accepted more and more of this “muscle”, this “button”, and it got to a point where it had grown a lot. It became who I was when I was in the present moment, the moment where I exist, I now was channeled through this thing within myself, and that wasn’t and it’s currently not cool as I have explained.

So, I am most of my day… being cool, I am fine, I don’t think about crazy stuff, or things that I don’t feel identified with, I don’t betray myself, I am one person. But what happens is that I am allowing this thing within myself to exist, so it doesn’t matter if I am not having those thoughs or reactions right now, the door is opened, because I am it, I am just not feeding it, but the moment I go to sleep, it is finally released, it was waiting for the opportunity because when I am asleep it’s there but I don’t let it expand. And what happens is even worse, because due to my lack of oxygen because I can’t properly breath, I will use this thing within me to generate stuff, thoughts, ideas, anything that has a particular reaction of energy, so I then feel it and I focus on it, instead of on the real thing happening to my body. I enter a state where the little oxygen which is getting it, I don’t even allow it to be of use because I stop breathing properly, I stop breathing with my belly, and then I have a lack of oxygen and I am also not breathing properly. Then I wake up, and it’s not only that I have woken up 5 times during my sleep and I haven’t rested, the little chances I had to rest, I used them because I was bored to generate energy and energy and now I am exhausted, and it’s like I wake up to finally after all be able to rest. Because, I just don’t have the energy, and the time, to really take the time to rest, I am so busy with the energies that I can’t and I won’t stop.

This night I had a dream which gave me some clarity, and I think that probably it is what led me to this blog. Tonight I had the avarage ammount of nightmares, anxieties and emotional reactions which let me exhausted and with no life, but there was also another dream which made me feel alive. I was in a car, looking at a very beautiful big forest, and there a lake with a giant dead tree in the middle of it, it was a very beautiful landscape, I love landscapes, and I was like… oh man, I am finally here, surrounded by nature! I love it, there is nothing more to do than being in the moment. Then with the car I arrived to a place that I felt I already knew, even if it was the first time I was there. It was a community where people lived according to nature, the children had no phones and wore leather cloth, all wore the same cloth, and the people were just… it wasn’t that they were super happy and energetic, or maybe they were, they could be. But it was rather their general state of being, you heard them and looked at them and you knew that they were more than you, in the sense that they had no abuse, they had more life, they were not corrupted, they didn’t abuse their own fun, as we do nowadays with tecnology and all these stuffs which there is… they lived with nature, next to nature, and you could feel it, I wanted to live there, I had been waiting to find a place like that to just say I want to be here and rest. I was leaving, I was at the door, so I said to these 2 women that apparently run the place: I have waiting a long time to tell you this, now it’s my opportunity, I love this place! I love nature! They answered me with some jokes and we had a cool conversation, we understood each other like if we already knew each other. I also remember a momenet where they were showing me the place and I was saying like oh my good… I have to hug the trees! Or just climb to one of them lay down and rest.

So as always, while looking at this I don’t focus on the particular things I saw in my dream, even if they could be of use, I look at the experience of the dream. The most similar experience I have had, of being young again, was the times of my life I have meditated, and stopped my mind, all of it, and desteni has been of the most support with this. When I have been fully commited appling myself each day at each breath, this is the feeling I got, the same of the dream, like if you were young again and surrounded by nature.

Right now, there are many things I am doing, many plans I have for my future, I can’t allow myself to waste my life, I want to express myself while I am here. To do that, it is necessary that I stop this muscle within myself that I call my mind, because otherwise, even if when I am aware I am not directly seeing it, it will be activated and expanding itself, and the moment I go to sleep, specially if I have breathing problems, it will literally kill me, this morning I woke up, and I was in hell. I was saying to myself, my state right now is hell, I have tried everything but my only way out is stopping my mind. And the only thing I had was this dream, and I had only experienced a similar feeling while I was meditating and focusing my days on stopping my mind so I don’t consume myself.

I commit myself to stop my mind, no excuses.

I commit myself to write myself whenever I notice something has changed.

I commit myself to learn how to unconditionally breath during my day, so when I sleep, I do as less harm as possible to myself.

I commit myself to not victimize myself when I feel things are changing, and to commit myself to why I am doing this, who I really am, what is life for me.

I commit myself to not allow my starting point to be of my mind.




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