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Day 151 – My reincarnation and who I really am
This blog was writen the moment I listened to the whole serie of reincarnation and the afterlife in Eqafe.com, I had already bought some interviews, the first ones, and these brought a familiar sensation to me, like if I was conecting with a part of me that I already knew. But it wasn’t until I listened to the whole serie that I could understand what I am. Also, I updated my conclution, who I really am, after I had listened to the first interviews of Journeys into the afterlife, where I have been able to understand everything. This is my story:
I am going to explain here a very simple story and what I have learnt from it thanks to Desteni and myself. I have a lot of memories of being a young child in this world, I have always been intense in my expression in this life, since I was young I always knew that my intensity was the most important thing, if that got lost, eaten by mind systems, everything I had of me was lost.
I remember a story I lived before being borned, but it’s not even that story, it was the memory I created from that story in this body and in this life. The story was very simple: I was alive, in “heaven”, I was realized as myself, I was my expression, finally after I had died, and I would then, obviously, start my process of, through myself, discover the rest of the existence, and see what is going on in its entirety, why exactly I had to die to realize this that I am. Then, right after that, there was the reincarnation process properly set up, which would accordingly direct my own self-realization movements and, if I chose Anu and the rest of creators’ path, I would experience more of me in heaven, but if on the contrary I chose to experience heaven as myself, well they knew what to do then. In my beingness, I would always be self-honest, in the sense that I would choose my own path, because for me it did not matter what was going on, I had to see it as myself, whatever that meant. I forgot most of my reincarnation process, because it became harder to remember, but what I had saw, my realization, I sticked to, and I remember as a little child having the ability to lay in my bed close my eyes and I say to myself… I am going to access my story, which is in my body, to remember the story that I don’t know why or how, is so important to me, even though I can not comprehend it, and, surprisingly, it was still there, and I remember once diving in and even experiencing the story completely again, but after that, it slowly started becoming a memory more and more until one day I had forgotten it. Well not really forgotten, just buried, waiting its moment to wake up.
So, this mechanism of reincarnation, or this being, would, in case I chose to follow my own path instead of heaven’s path, talk to me in such a way that my answers would slowly turn my eyes towards myself until I said to myself that I would reincarnate again, I can do it. It was like this thing that would with each second make me closer and closer to look again inside myself instead of looking at the existence that I had first saw the moment I was dead. This all happened with such a preparation that I barely had chances of realizing myself. And this created a reaction in me, I in fact blamed myself for having allowed myself to reincarnate, I saw it as… I had this chance, and now I haven’t act, I didn’t think in the moment, it happened so fast, and now I have to reincarnate again and I have lost it, and it will take me another life to get there. It pissed me of, but there was nothing I could do because during my lifes on earth I would forget who I was, and when I had died I would have 3 seconds, only 3, to realize what was going on, but it wasn’t enough time, and they were so prepared that this is what resulted every time I died.
Even if with each reincarnation this is what happened, I always tried to see one step closer to myself, one step beyond. It was not possible, so all I managed to do in the time I had was remember this story that happened to me, the situation I was involved in, inside myself and therefore inside my body. From heaven I am sure that if this caused them any trouble it would be properly controlled so there was nothing stepping out of my preprograming and I would not be a danger to the existence of heaven.
Anyway all I was left with was this story in me, and as time passed and I was developing my physical body, I remembered it over and over, because I didn’t want to forget, it was like an access to myself. All I knew was that now I was in earth in a physical body, and from that perspective even my failure with my lost chance in heaven seemed to be more than me, but I also did not forget what I saw, how I always die and reincarnate, the truth about me, and how I tried. Because it is not that I didn’t try, I tried, it just didn’t work out the way I expected because they already knew I was going to try. And what I tried, my starting point, was, if you are really heaven, let me experience myself as myself, let me discover my truth, and then, conect it to yours, what are you afraid of? What will I discover if I do that? But they kept me in reincarnation after reincarnation so I would never get to the point of tring to do something about it, it all happened too fast and I was kicked out to the reincarnation process before I could try anything. But still, I remembered it because I knew there was more to me than what I had allowed to happen. And this is something that I blamed myself for, because I never saw as if they had done something to me, or they had tricked me, I saw it as if I had not been enough, it was me who hadn’t take my chance. And the truth is that I did hadn’t take my chance, because I was tring to be honest while at the same time I did not have self-integrity, self-integrity is different and it means that you will stand for what you know in your uncorrupted heart is right for the eternety, and then it will not matter if god is different from you, or fear is different from you, you will not care if you are alone, because you will be living self-honesty, self-integrity, oness and equality.
So, as I was saying I remembered over and over this story within myself, and when I had grown up enough to be a child, I had been so focused on this story, this inner truth, that I was always like, tring to solve a mystery within myself, you could even see it in my eyes, there was something intriguing about me. I didn’t use think in terms of finding logic about this story, because it was who I was! How could I deny myself, the place I came from, the only thing I knew was real, I just carried it with me. And as time passed and children were growing up in their minds and developing as personalities, basically finding tring to find themselves through the information the found inside this world, I was only focused on my physical growth and myself, because even if time was passing and everything was slowly falling apart, I knew I had something in me. And I believe that this was responsable for me having such an intense expression in this life, I always knew that I was right, and not he mind systems. Nothing about this world, my parents, friends, anything, could understand or agree with me, but I knew it because I had lived it, so inside myself, in secret, I didn’t allow the systems to fully integrate in me. This obviously meant nothing, just that I would be forced through pain to accept the systems, and it eventually happened. And I got buried.
I don’t know if this means that I was a good being, I don’t know if it was like I was tring to rebel against the evil of heaven so I could set the world free and be a superhero, I just doubt it, in fact, maybe what I wanted to do was stablish myself in heaven to create my own heaven, who knows, I never really got to discover it, sadly for me, because even if I knew how of a important moment it was I was kicked out from the game.
While looking at all of this, I could blame the creators of heaven for doing what they did to everyone. But there are many more points to consider, first, if I was in their position in heaven, if I was in the highest plane, and I saw the whole existence unfold with me and through me, who would I be? The answer is not pretty, I never was interested enough about who I am or what everything else is to consider my responsability within myself in relation to all of existence, if I had I would have standed alone. I am not sure if I would have been a good or bad being in case of existing in the afterlife, but I know that there would be a chance of me accepting the power and the corruption. In fact, I don’t have to look too way out there to find out, in this life you can buy myself, get enough money or whatever and you will be able to buy myself, since in myself, in secret, I don’t really value life as life, because you know, “I live in the world”, so, imagine now being the god of all of existence; I would not survive it, I would have to make the mistake, fully make that mistake of corrupting myself with all of my being to be able to grow up from it. There is one fact, which is that when you die, you experience more expression within yourself, and therefore more posibilities, and maybe I, because of that more intense expression I would have acted as a good being and set the world free, but there is another fact, my reality, what is real, right now. I am here, and I am waaaay far from being perfect, I commit abuse, so I understand perfectly the creators of heaven and what they did, and I am not here to judge them, or blame them, because in this game I simply was not the one in the higher plane who controlled the outflows of existence.
Second, the question is not if I should blame them for what they did to me or not, the question is, how is it that despite all I know and all I have experienced, I still allow myself to have fear? To do something that I don’t consider right to myself? To do something that I don’t consider right into another? I know why I allowed myself to reincarnate, I had no self-responsability towards myself or the world, because I didn’t believe it was necessary to build it, because I was afraid of standing alone in front of god. Maybe all this just happened because I was to busy having human reincarnations to get to get know myself and the superhero I am, who knows! But I am here right now, and I am not myself, this is the problem. I have never in my whole existence created self-responsability, because I always had fear. Fear that I fear standing for myself alone, in front of all of existence, I prefer to be shown the reality, so I don’t have to admit that I have fear. In fact when I was reincarnating I could have said no, I wanted to say no, but I didn’t, because it was easier to be weak, than standing alone for all of existence eternally. And I want to become that, because if I don’t there is no hope for me.
And it doesn’t matter if what awaits for me after death is hell or heaven, I must be able to stand for all of existence in solitute, because it is the purpose why I am here, and because I am seeing this right now, and I don’t care about anything else.
Now, I am taking this chance to stand for myself infinitely as the truth that I am within all of the existence, and I am currently in the process of creating myself with my own fredom, for me, and for the rest of the existence. I am now not only focused on who I was, but who I am, and who I will be. Now I don’t allow myself to not stand for myself alone infinitely, and with the rest of the existence. It doesn’t matter if in the afterlife there is the most tricky mechanism for me to not allow myself to not take responsability for myself, in this life I learn to stand for myself and for the rest of the existence.