Hannah's Journey to Life

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Joined: 07 Dec 2017, 23:26

Hannah's Journey to Life

Postby Hannah » 21 Mar 2018, 01:21

Day 1 - Self direction

First of all, let me make this clear to myself;
I am writing to myself, as myself, for myself and am not writing to appear in anyway or make myself seem a certain way. No role playing, no charatars Let's just get this straight. Honesty and perserverence. I am too aware that people might read this and from that I suspect that i will write in accordance to that and therefore not in self honesty! Not only this, but I have the fear that by writing, I will seem or appear different to what I actually am. And that people might get the wring impression of me, or because of my vocabulary - People will misinterpritate, and I'll seem less intelligent than I am, or I'll seem like I have less self direction that I actually have, and that I'll down-talk myself. So forget about that.

I lack self direction. My reason in saying so is, that the last few times I have been alone, all I've really done is frollick around and remain in that waiting state. It's like I have so many ideas or things I could do, but lack the self direction and trust. For example, when my partner falls asleep and I am waiting for them to get up, and hour will fly by and they will still be asleep and i will still be hovering round waiting. It's like sometimes I dont have a presence. Then I will notice and make it a point to make noise or do something. Then they will wake up, and even then I feel like I'm awiting for something.
I feel like giving up with this writing right now, because I feel like I am not explaining myself well and it's comming across as wrong. I'm feeling a bit stressed in my chest, it's my lack of self direction, I just cant seem to push through.

I need to simplify this for myself right now, so here goes..

There have been many times in the past when I have been around people and I have been waiting for those people to go home or go omewhere so I an be by myself. "If I was by myself I could do this, I could do that". Then when I'm by myself... I don't do those things. In one relationship, I used to get sick of the other person and want them to leave, then when they left I would miss them. I do this with family and other people, except now I dont really miss them when they are not here. It's like I'm glad to just be alone and so dont do anything but bask in the aloneness and can litterally just sit there and think or just sleep. I have always liked to think of myself as being creative. I can draw, paint, write, sing, play instruments. These have always been my srtong points. But now i dont even realy find myself doing this as much as I could. I sing all the time while im walking around because I can, but when the chance comes to actually expand myself, I will just sit here and not do anything. Also, a lot of the time I wont even say or do things from the fear of it being wrong. I am really struggling to write this, it's very rooted within me whatever the point is. It seemed like all my life I have thought that I needed certain circumstances. "If i had this I could do that, if I lived there I can do this". Now I am in the perfect place to move forward and expand myself and to carry out plans/ideas, but then it seems like I am waiting for the next thing to happen so that I can do this. For example "When we move out we can set up our recording stuff and then I can create stuff and practice ect ect" When in reality, I could have wrote a whole album or something from when I left university to now. It's like for a while, I blamed my circumstances, so I changed my circumstances and still I will go the same way about things. It's getting to the point where I have no one to blame. Everything is set up perfectly for me to expand and gro but I am restricting my self through the lack of self direction. I can see within the work place that I am not lazy. I try to keep busy, active and moving. My boss (now one of my closest friend's) praises me, and acts like I am special and litterally thanks their God that I was brought to them... I don't even feel like I try. I mean, I do try, but I don't feel as if I'm doing anything special, its just common sense. Maybe it is just the servent in me? For so long I have at times blamed people for being in the way, or like "If they werent here I could do this", "I cant do this because they are here" to hide the fact that I have no self direction, to hide the fact that I am lazy, to hide the fact that I self sabatage by procastrinating, the fact that so did my parents, to hide the fact that I could end up like my Mother, a faliure and waste of space/potential. Alone. Nothingness. ect ect.

I still dont feel like I have expressed myself as well as I could have, its very stressful in my chest, so I will just write self forgiveness on what I have written above and then maybe expand on this in future writings when I can find the words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people for holding me back, 'supressing" me, stopping me from doing things. And to think "If they where not here I could do this, this and this". To then when I am alone, still not doing those things. Not seeing that I am using people as a way to not see that I am holding myself back, 'Supressing' myself, to not see myself and change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self victomise myself, convicing myself that I do not have the power to change myself, my circumstances, how I express myself. Not seeing that I have full power/control at this point in my life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in the past, this might have been the case, when I was a child I was powerless and how I could express myself depended on my circumstances that depended on my parents/ elders. Not seeing that now this is not the case, I have full control over myself, I am fully responsible for myself, I have no one to blame now.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to when I have seen myself in this state of wating, to just simply stop waiting and go.
I forgive myself for accepting and alloing myself to not trust myself, not seeing that trusting myself is the only way I can direct myself to move. And that this state of waiting is just me waiting for directions, not seeing that I am fully capable of directing myself.
I forgive myself for being too hard on my self in thinking that I am not good enough, not seeing that this has hindered me in ways from even trying in certain aspects.
I forgive myself not accepting and allowing myself to see that not having parents has effected me in a way from not having role models or discipline, but for also not seeing that I am my own parent, I can disipline myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word 'diciplin" as 'bad', 'mean', 'cruel' as I connect it to pysical or emotional abuse. being 'told off'. Not seeing that you could say I abuse myself in these ways all the time anyway by downplaying myself or feeling like I am not good enough, thinking the worst of myself and of others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the statement or belief" I have no self direction", "I have no self trust" "I feeel like I'm not good enough", "I cant do this because of them" are ALL just ways to victimise myself so that I remain in this waiting state, or "programming" of not living up to my potential.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself in a state of wating, to stop, breathe and direct myself
I commit myself to when and as I see myself blaming other people for 'holding me back', to stop and breathe
I commit myself to when and as I see myself self victimising, to stop and breathe

Posts: 12
Joined: 07 Dec 2017, 23:26

Re: Hannah's Journey to Life

Postby Hannah » 10 Jul 2018, 13:30

Day 2 -
Stuck, Aloneness, Waiting?

For the past year or so I have felt/made myself somewhat a recluse in terms of sharing and participating with social media. I feel sometimes like I dont exist, or like I am in hiding. I have had many thoughts/fears in relation to sharing, where I just feel completely seperate from it in many forms. I got like this through wanting to be a sucessful singer/songwriter, which mostly requires sharing and showcasing yourself, but I got so caught up in doing it right that I didnt want to share anything that wasn't 'perfect'. As in, what it looked/sounded like, where and when it was set, if I had the right equiptment ect ect. Being so intricate has got me to a place now where I actually do have all I need, but the habbit of not sharing is still there, I have learnt it and I am stuck within it, but also seperate where it feels I can not control it, even though I can. It's not only me who has gotten me this far, I have been in a relationship for near 7 years now where we have worked together to move out and attain the enviroment we need for us to create. You could say, I have said what I want, he has been the brains in terms of creating a plan to get to this point and I have done everything in my power to follow that plan, which has proven sucessful. However, now I can see that we are in 'pause' mode. And it's because we're at the point where I need to get writing. creating and sharing, using my enviroment. The plan was very simple, just get jobs, attain a certain amount of money, move out to provide space for ourselves and equiptment and then we can start plan 2. Im realising that I'm the one who has to manage plan 2, because I'm the one who creates stuff, but I've gotten so used to holding back and hididng, waiting, I am just stuck in this state. It feels like were lost in plan 1. Where we got jobs to get money to move out and fund our desired careers. But I feel like I put a lot more effort in to this job than into my own creativity, which could potentially create my own idea of a 'job'. I'm putting all my efforts in to this job, working for someone elses dream, and when it comes to my own, it can seem like I have nothing left. I am dying, I am diminishing before myself it seems, and there is no one here to help me. I have realised that I am completely alone, whether I'm in a relationship or not. I cant look to anyone to tell me what to do or direct me, I have to direct myself. This is the only way for plan 2 to actually work, i know this, but because I'm not being reassured or directed outside myself I am hesitant, stuck in the idea of changing but not actually changing. I just came here to write, to lay it all out in some form of words, making it real, rather than just having it in my head. I need to do it, just do it, act, direct, create, plan, succeed. There's no other way. I choose no other way. I cant go to waste in this life, I have to use what I have to its highest potential. self centered or not, why not?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back in terms of doing nothing when I know I should be doing something. Remaining in a state of waiting to be directed when I should be directing myself, not seeing that I am killing myself, dying, withering away within myself, seperate from myself.

I forgive myself also, for wanting to hide from people, where I have felt overwhelemd by people trying to messege me, hang out, wondering what their intentions are and why they are trying to talk to me? 'What do they want from me?' and then feeling bad abiut it and judging myself, when really I am probably right.

I forgive myself for feeling guilty for not wanting to talk or be involved with certain people because I can see that they want what I have, have attained for myself. But also not seeing that it has made me fear sharing myself, because I will ave to tell people 'no'.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be split into several different parts, trying to spread myself out through people, where I waste my time being with people, where we both do nothing together, not seeing that I am wasting myself, and using guilt to keep me in that state where I have to please people, 'share' my self out, let people take me and not take myself.

I forgive myself for fearing doing things wrong, and not having anyone to direct me, because then I am accountable, I am responsible.

I am responsible, sounds like a bessing and a curse. I forgive myself for seeing the word responsible as someone/thing to blame, something heavy, a chore. rather than seeing it as empowerment, a blessing a chance to show myself.

I just came here to write, we'll see where I'm at this time next year

Their are many other aspects I need to look at learn, which might seem contradicitng. Like patience and learning to relax. ANd not as in sitting about doing nothing. Hard for me to explain, funnily enough I dont have the patience to sit here and write about it. Hahaha

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