Day 1 - Self direction
First of all, let me make this clear to myself;
I am writing to myself, as myself, for myself and am not writing to appear in anyway or make myself seem a certain way. No role playing, no charatars Let's just get this straight. Honesty and perserverence. I am too aware that people might read this and from that I suspect that i will write in accordance to that and therefore not in self honesty! Not only this, but I have the fear that by writing, I will seem or appear different to what I actually am. And that people might get the wring impression of me, or because of my vocabulary - People will misinterpritate, and I'll seem less intelligent than I am, or I'll seem like I have less self direction that I actually have, and that I'll down-talk myself. So forget about that.
I lack self direction. My reason in saying so is, that the last few times I have been alone, all I've really done is frollick around and remain in that waiting state. It's like I have so many ideas or things I could do, but lack the self direction and trust. For example, when my partner falls asleep and I am waiting for them to get up, and hour will fly by and they will still be asleep and i will still be hovering round waiting. It's like sometimes I dont have a presence. Then I will notice and make it a point to make noise or do something. Then they will wake up, and even then I feel like I'm awiting for something.
I feel like giving up with this writing right now, because I feel like I am not explaining myself well and it's comming across as wrong. I'm feeling a bit stressed in my chest, it's my lack of self direction, I just cant seem to push through.
I need to simplify this for myself right now, so here goes..
There have been many times in the past when I have been around people and I have been waiting for those people to go home or go omewhere so I an be by myself. "If I was by myself I could do this, I could do that". Then when I'm by myself... I don't do those things. In one relationship, I used to get sick of the other person and want them to leave, then when they left I would miss them. I do this with family and other people, except now I dont really miss them when they are not here. It's like I'm glad to just be alone and so dont do anything but bask in the aloneness and can litterally just sit there and think or just sleep. I have always liked to think of myself as being creative. I can draw, paint, write, sing, play instruments. These have always been my srtong points. But now i dont even realy find myself doing this as much as I could. I sing all the time while im walking around because I can, but when the chance comes to actually expand myself, I will just sit here and not do anything. Also, a lot of the time I wont even say or do things from the fear of it being wrong. I am really struggling to write this, it's very rooted within me whatever the point is. It seemed like all my life I have thought that I needed certain circumstances. "If i had this I could do that, if I lived there I can do this". Now I am in the perfect place to move forward and expand myself and to carry out plans/ideas, but then it seems like I am waiting for the next thing to happen so that I can do this. For example "When we move out we can set up our recording stuff and then I can create stuff and practice ect ect" When in reality, I could have wrote a whole album or something from when I left university to now. It's like for a while, I blamed my circumstances, so I changed my circumstances and still I will go the same way about things. It's getting to the point where I have no one to blame. Everything is set up perfectly for me to expand and gro but I am restricting my self through the lack of self direction. I can see within the work place that I am not lazy. I try to keep busy, active and moving. My boss (now one of my closest friend's) praises me, and acts like I am special and litterally thanks their God that I was brought to them... I don't even feel like I try. I mean, I do try, but I don't feel as if I'm doing anything special, its just common sense. Maybe it is just the servent in me? For so long I have at times blamed people for being in the way, or like "If they werent here I could do this", "I cant do this because they are here" to hide the fact that I have no self direction, to hide the fact that I am lazy, to hide the fact that I self sabatage by procastrinating, the fact that so did my parents, to hide the fact that I could end up like my Mother, a faliure and waste of space/potential. Alone. Nothingness. ect ect.
I still dont feel like I have expressed myself as well as I could have, its very stressful in my chest, so I will just write self forgiveness on what I have written above and then maybe expand on this in future writings when I can find the words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people for holding me back, 'supressing" me, stopping me from doing things. And to think "If they where not here I could do this, this and this". To then when I am alone, still not doing those things. Not seeing that I am using people as a way to not see that I am holding myself back, 'Supressing' myself, to not see myself and change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self victomise myself, convicing myself that I do not have the power to change myself, my circumstances, how I express myself. Not seeing that I have full power/control at this point in my life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in the past, this might have been the case, when I was a child I was powerless and how I could express myself depended on my circumstances that depended on my parents/ elders. Not seeing that now this is not the case, I have full control over myself, I am fully responsible for myself, I have no one to blame now.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to when I have seen myself in this state of wating, to just simply stop waiting and go.
I forgive myself for accepting and alloing myself to not trust myself, not seeing that trusting myself is the only way I can direct myself to move. And that this state of waiting is just me waiting for directions, not seeing that I am fully capable of directing myself.
I forgive myself for being too hard on my self in thinking that I am not good enough, not seeing that this has hindered me in ways from even trying in certain aspects.
I forgive myself not accepting and allowing myself to see that not having parents has effected me in a way from not having role models or discipline, but for also not seeing that I am my own parent, I can disipline myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word 'diciplin" as 'bad', 'mean', 'cruel' as I connect it to pysical or emotional abuse. being 'told off'. Not seeing that you could say I abuse myself in these ways all the time anyway by downplaying myself or feeling like I am not good enough, thinking the worst of myself and of others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the statement or belief" I have no self direction", "I have no self trust" "I feeel like I'm not good enough", "I cant do this because of them" are ALL just ways to victimise myself so that I remain in this waiting state, or "programming" of not living up to my potential.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself in a state of wating, to stop, breathe and direct myself
I commit myself to when and as I see myself blaming other people for 'holding me back', to stop and breathe
I commit myself to when and as I see myself self victimising, to stop and breathe